back to article APPLE reveals complete updated blueprints of SPACESHIP JOBS

Hours after it was revealed that the completion of Apple's planned office doughnut would be delayed until at least 2016, the Cupertino city council posted revised plans for the eco-Stalinist structure, first sketched by Steve Jobs and now widely known as the "Spaceship". As The Reg had reported earlier, the city council had …

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  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Never a good sign

    Fancy new, no-expense-spared, HQ buildings always seem to precede a major meltdown of the company concerned. Sell AAPL now...

    1. cheveron

      Re: Never a good sign

      There's certainly an adage in the valley that you should always move into someone else's vacant building rather than building your own. Maybe Apple is hoping to avoid that fate by building on an old HP site. Only time will tell.

    2. Eponymous Bastard
      Devil

      Re: Never a good sign

      Here's hoping!

    3. Mage Silver badge

      Re: Never a good sign

      Reminds me of Nokia and British Satellite Broadcasting.

      Who in Finland will want the Nokia HQ?

      Pride cometh before a Fall.

      There is another word too... They think they are gods but are only a consumer marketing company with 1 successful service and 2 successful products.

      They could always re-jig iTunes for Linux desktop and Android?

      1. Muscleguy Silver badge

        Re: Never a good sign

        You could add RBS's headquarters just outside Edinburgh to the list of hubris edifices.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Never a good sign

          RE:"The newly revealed plans make few changes to the main edifice that, at 2.8 million square feet, will be one of the world's most capcious office buildings, although the US Department of Defense's mega-headquarters, the Pentagon, handily bests it at 6.6 million square feet."

          There is no such word as "capcious." There is a word "capacious," which is just a fancy way of saying "roomy." Then there is "captious" which means "unecessarily critical." Perhaps even proudful and vain, but there is no "capcious" or at least there has not been since we all spoke Middle English. So which did the author intend to write?

          Read one way it would seem that "capacious" is what the author likely intended, but then again, Rik might have meant to write "captious" which, even Steven Jobs's friends would admit, is a descriptor that suited the man right down to the ground.

          1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
            Thumb Up

            @Billy Catringer

            I thought you were being capricious, then I realised you were serious ;-)

          2. graeme leggett Silver badge

            Re: Never a good sign

            perhaps they meant "capricious" - on a whim, changeable

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Never a good sign

      Recreate the Nat West tower right in the middle, only spelling SJ?

    5. a_been
      Thumb Down

      Re: Never a good sign

      So Apple build a new building and bother to not make it crap, wankers moan about it. I thought "lets see what the wankers moan about" and first comment was by a wanker. If Apple cured AIDS wankers would mouan about the loss of money to doctors.

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Who'd have thought it?

    Apple building a giant walled garden....

    1. dssf

      Re: Who'd have thought it? Or, a park...

      Just add prehistoric creatures and sound effects.

      Or, force fields, deflector shields, navigation arrays, and a Midas Array.

      Reality distortion, not Buddhist attachment, explains the missing clock divisions. A different sort of "Clockwork Orange" orchard, sans cherries.

      Maybe it will be renamed as MCFC: Magnetic Concentric Fruity Collider? They may be building one helluva "Smoothie King" there.

      Maybe AARPA Apple Advance Research ProTECTion Agency? Could be hiding a cosmic biofilter, cryostasis plant, and quantum slipularity or quantum singstream filter matrix, replete with biomolecular reconstitution and regeneration alcoves.

      The circle is symbolic for "Unimatrix/Sector 001".... The subdivisions are distraction from the intention...

      On opening day, there will be a sigh stating, "You will be assimilated... YOU Will "Service" USSSSS!" in ALL senses of the word...

    2. rvt

      Re: Who'd have thought it?

      Better to live in Apple's walled garden then in Android slum towns, right?

      1. Euripides Pants Silver badge

        Re: slum towns

        Better to live in the magic forest (with talking beavers) than a walled garden.

        1. a_been
          Happy

          Re: Euripides Pants

          So your saying that Android is based on the belife in magic where as walled gardens were built becauce they worked.

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    R&D off on the side?

    Interesting to note that R&D isn't shoved off on the side like it was something they don't really care about. No fancy trees for them. I bet marketing gets all the nice window offices.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: R&D off on the side?

      I'll bet Legal gets better offices than Marketing

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: R&D off on the side?

        You are assuming that there is any difference between legal and marketing.

        And where is the garage to have the next bright idea in?

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Nicked the design wholesale from GCHQ, they've even nicked the same security reasoning for the shape!

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Why is it more secure

      to build your building in the shape of a target?

      1. trashbat

        Re: Why is it more secure

        More secure than the Pentagon. Planes just bounce right off.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Nicked the design wholesale from GCHQ

      Bet the next law suit will be against GCHQ for copying them.

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    It's not on an empty lot either!

    And they are leveling an entire neighborhood to do this! This won't be cheap. From the picture you figure that there are tons of mature old trees there already, not so. It's full of buildings and parking lots, all of which must go. See what google map shows is there now: http://maps.google.com/maps?q=Homestead+Rd+%26+N+Wolfe+Rd,+Birdland+Neighbors,+Santa+Clara,+California+95014&hl=en&ll=37.332136,-122.011306&spn=0.012489,0.022295&sll=37.6,-95.665&sspn=50.224048,91.318359&t=h&geocode=FXW6OQId_DW6-A&hnear=Homestead+Rd+%26+N+Wolfe+Rd,+Birdland+Neighbors,+Santa+Clara,+California&z=16

    1. Luke McCarthy

      Re: It's not on an empty lot either!

      Goodbye Pruneridge Avenue

      1. dssf

        Re: It's not on an empty lot either! Prunridge...

        Maybe the trees will produce prunes with ridges?

        Oh, wait... I should say "California RAISINS", lol....

        It would be unfortunate if from aerial views the finished building looke like an organic discharge port, considering trees and fruits. I imagine marcom and legal have these covered...

    2. paullaz

      Re: It's not on an empty lot either!

      Most of is is a fairly derelict looking HP facility with plenty of not so nice cyclone fence around it. I'll be driving by it on the way to mom's house for Thanksgiving today.

    3. Alan Firminger

      Re: It's not on an empty lot either!

      It looks like about 600 housing units are on the site.

      1. dssf

        Re: It's not on an empty lot either!

        Makes me think of the massive Shanghai constrction sites i saw...

        Just house the construction workers there... Less time and fewer wages and faster construction timetables due to onsite labor. But, will Foxconn provide? 'merkun and even Mexican labor might be too expensive, despite "no expense spared" being claimed...

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    From the Artisit's impression...

    ... looks like it will have it's own micro-climate compared to the surrounding area!

    Wonder how much that's going to cost them?

  7. Chris Miller

    Where's jake?

    "I remember when it were all fruit trees round here."

  8. Colin Millar
    Headmaster

    Not stalinist

    The first name I thought of on seeing the plans was Albert Speer. Stalinist architecture for all its size was mean and brutal. It seemed to me always to reflect the insecurity and paranoia of that particular nutjob.

    Speer's work, on the other hand, was confident and full of the grandeur of those who know they are the chosen people.

    I'll have to make do with the only nazi icon available.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Not stalinist

      And that is different to most architecture how?

  9. Bluenose
    Happy

    Ahemm - Don't want to spoil the party

    I just want to point out that this design is a direct rip off of my US Patent for a square building with rounded sides such that it forms a circle. Where do I lodge my claim? It may also breach my US Patent for a circular structure for the housing of fanbois and their keepers/feeders.

  10. Haku
    Gimp

    "protecting the perimeters against trespassers."

    That part of the statement along with the enclosed design doesn't say "office" to me, but

    "cult compound"...

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Out Of The Blue

    I'm thinking that the design is reminiscent of a certain 1970's album by ELO....

    Could old Steve have been getting on the bong when he designed this? Distant memories of slacker heaven storm his brain.... BANG! ELO cover made REAL!

    Groovy!

    Anonymous, because I don't want to admit that I'm THAT old....

  12. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge
    Gimp

    Yes, Mr. Bond... our new headquarters. Soon the preparations will be complete.

    I'm sure the cellars will hold torture devices, shark tanks, fanbois converted to supersoldiers kept under control by permanent morphine injection (until the time is right), finger-of-god orbiting laser platforms in their launch tubes, large meditation spaces with transdimensional prayer mills and saunas full of eager females.

    jobs_gendo_pose.jpg

  13. Anonymous Custard Silver badge
    Boffin

    I was wondering more if the next iPad will be powered by Higgs bosons or something equally exotic.

    That damn place would make a fine American cousin to the LHC (in lieu of the Tevatron anyway).

  14. Greg J Preece

    Buddhist?

    Every time I look at a top-down view of that thing, all I hear is a posh English voice saying "you may fire when ready."

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    Oh to have the money to buy a tiny building in the middle of the compound and then say nope - not selling :)

    1. Steve I
      Devil

      You'd never survive...

      A tragic accident would befall you. You'd be in the bath one day, when your Samsung phone, carelessly left on the side of the bath, will fall into the water and due to a tragic battery malfunction, electrocutes you.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Bath

        I have a bath here. It's a rectangle, with rounded corners.

        Oh, crap.

    2. Benchops

      You could easily make enough money to buy a small building by settling with Apple to sell it

  16. TRT Silver badge

    I wonder...

    If there's a cycle track round the middle?

    And those renderings... what are the small white gravestone shaped things in the central garden?

    1. TheOtherHobbes

      Re: I wonder...

      Those are grave markers for all the good ideas that went to Apple to die a horrible, lingering death by minimalist brushed aluminium and skeuomorphic UI design.

      Apart from that, it looks quite nice. If you look closely you can see the iJobs glass booth where a projection appears ever year to steer the company ever onwards, like a turtlenecked Hari Seldon.

      Would be even cooler if it was an actual spaceship though.

      1. Esskay
        Big Brother

        Re: I wonder...

        Also features a room with a big poster of Forstall, where staff can line up and yell and scream at the man for 2 minutes each day for deviating from the True Path (tm) and causing all of Apple's woes.

  17. Grikath Silver badge
    Mushroom

    Just a thought on ....security..

    Given that all the nice top-outer/inner offices most likely will be given out to Legal and Sales the design offers a great opportunity for World Improvement.

    One Daisy Cutter should do the trick.....

    1. FrankAlphaXII Silver badge
      Mushroom

      Re: Just a thought on ....security..

      Just 3 GBU-31 2000 Lb. JDAM bombs nosefused for Airbursts would do the job. One on both the north/south, and a third in their pond. The middle of the building might not collapse. It also might. Only so much you can do from the Air.

      4800 PSI tends to do the trick when it comes to shattering stuff, use of the GBU-82 or GBU-43 is just overkill. Tactical nuke might actually be cheaper, monetarily anyway, and hell, it might be plausibly denied. I can see the headlines already ("iNuke project spirals out of control, vaporizes Cupertino")

      1. graeme leggett Silver badge

        Re: Just a thought on ....security..

        Tallboy and the building falls neatly into the hole leaving the skyline clear.

        the SABS could deliver an accuracy of about 85 metres which should be accurate enough

        or "Bomb, Medium Capacity, 22,000 lb" (you may know it better as Grandslam) to be sure of the job

  18. Bob Vistakin
    Facepalm

    And will it still appear on Apple maps as a car park in Grimsby?

    There's something decidedly odd about their priorities when it comes to R&D spending.

    1. Steve I
      Facepalm

      Re: And will it still appear on Apple maps as a car park in Grimsby?

      Indeed - they should pull all the architects and interior designers and get them to work as iOS devs worksing on Maps.

      "Can you teach me to program? I don't care if it takes all afternoon".

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