back to article Reg readers scrap over ultimate bacon sarnie

Our post-pub nosh deathmatches are proving highly popular with Reg reader gourmets, but we should have known better than to stray into that most hazardous of culinary minefields: just how to make the ultimate bacon sarnie. Last week's clash of titans featured our version of said butty, featuring hand-sliced white bread, bacon …

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  1. Steve I
    Go

    Make do with what one has...

    Used to make bacon sandwiches for my whole team. You needed a pack of smoke bacon and 1/2 baguette per person. Lacking proper cooking facilities at work, I had to microwave the bacon on a special 'microwave bacon tray' which worked surprisingly well. A bit of butter and bacon juice on the bread, add bacon and ketchup et voila - awesome.

    Healthy too, as we were never able to eat lunch afterwards...

    1. Annihilator
      Thumb Up

      Re: Make do with what one has...

      Baguette changes everything. As soon as you move into baguette territory you have truly strayed from the bacon sarnie herd and have wandered into brie territory.

      In this instance, you much immediately layer the bottom of the baguette with bacon, add slices of brie and a healthy dose of relish. Warming the baguette first allows for gooey brie goodness.

    2. Psyx
      Facepalm

      Re: Make do with what one has...

      "I had to microwave the bacon"

      The words of the Prosecutor repeating this phrase will haunt you in your cold cell at night.

      *ponders*

      Anyone know what prison bacon sarnies are like?

      Hopefully they involve undercooked fatty bits, unsalted streaky bacon and lashings of mayonnaise.

  2. micheal
    Coat

    Your mistake is not accounting for

    Taste in the food of Britain is a regional thing.

    In Anglia you cant get a wally in a chip shop.

    In Barnsley you have jam on yorkshire pudding

    Irish is the only true whisky unless in scotland, japan or tenessee...

    And to test it in Spain .....???

    1. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

      Re: Your mistake is not accounting for

      Well let's face it, Barnsley doesn't sound like much of a viable alternative.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      @Micheal

      "Whisky" is not Irish - that would probably get your face punched in both countries. Irish Whiskey, Scotch Whisky. Canadian or Japanese "Whisky" would probably only earn a punch in Scotland.

      Some interesting background detail here: http://www.tullamoredew-usa.com/irish-whiskey/irish-scotch.asp

      Also, you spelled "Michael" wrong.

      Anon 'cos I'm at work just now.

      1. micheal

        Re: @Micheal

        No, it's on my birth certificate spelt that way :)

        1. Mycho Silver badge

          Re: @Micheal

          I'm used to people getting it wrong but my hat would be off to you if I wore one.

        2. TeeCee Gold badge
          Headmaster

          Re: @Micheal

          You should change your handle to "micheal (sic)" then.

      2. Frumious Bandersnatch Silver badge

        Re: @Micheal

        This mention of Scotch whisky reminds me of a radio show I heard many years ago talking about the history of the liquor. The gist of it is that although part of the credit for the modern distilling process that enabled large-scale production goes to a Scotsman, Robert Stein, it was actually an Irishman, Aeneas Coffey, who improved on Stein's design to make the process cheaper and more efficient and thus economically viable. Coffey had been for many years the head of Customs and Excise in Dublin and, as the Crown's representative in Ireland and the person who was responsible for destroying illegal stills and collecting taxes, was a hated figure at the time. He also had a keen interest in whiskey, though, and had the technical skills to come up with his own his improved still design. When he left his position as the number one excise man, he patented his invention and tried to get backing to apply the invention in his native Ireland. Due to his past, however, nobody would support his endeavour (apart from one brief, failed venture, it seems) and he was forced to travel abroad in order to further his venture. So it was that he came to have his invention put to practical use in Scotland where, through a combination of his inventiveness, happenstance (a disease affecting grapes used in the premier spirit of the time--Cognac--left an opening in the market, while the whisky produced appealed to the English taste) and venture capital, Scotch whisky effectively exploded onto the scene and changed the industry completely.

        So in short, the single malt whiskies that are today synonymous with Scotch, actually owes a huge debt to the Irish--on the one hand thanks to Coffey's design, but also, on the other, thanks to the spite of his fellow Irishmen in turning their back on his invention due to his past job and associations.

        As the OP said, I might get punched in the face for recounting this story were I in Scotland. As we're online, though, I think that downvotes are a more likely outcome, so I've had to do a bit of searching to corroborate this account. I wasn't able to verify everything, but these two links seem to cover the basic outline:

        http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aeneas_Coffey

        http://www.kennetpans.info/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=198&Itemid=336

        Downvote away!

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: @Micheal

          Not at all. Very interesting post.

          Oh, and Micheal, the comment about spelling was meant to be flip but I forgot my smiley - soz! :) Actually, I assumed it was just because someone already had "Michael".

          And I don't think anyone really gets punched for any of those ... the most you'll get is some bore droning on and on about how to ... er ... spell it correctly ... um ..... sorry again.

        2. Fred Flintstone Gold badge

          Re: @Micheal

          That is a gloriously good summary - thanks for that (especially with the collaborating data). I never knew this.

          I would upvote you 10 time if I could :)

          1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge
            Big Brother

            Re: @Micheal

            > Coffey

            > head of Customs and Excise

            > patents the shit he probably got from some poor soul whose livelihood he destroyed

            Taxfeeder, in the protection money racket and an IP vulture? Probably a true story.

        3. Psyx
          Pint

          Re: @Micheal

          So... drinking Scotch whisky is basically paying homage to a taxman who took away people's booze?

          I knew I didn't like it for a reason

  3. ukgnome Silver badge
    Happy

    Head above parapet

    As a veggie I can only presume that you dead animal eaters have buggered your taste buds that much that you need all that spice \ no spice fat to make up for your lack.

    However, I am not adverse to a bit of snackery myself and propose this as the "healthy alternative"

    You will need

    2 slices of slightly toasted white bread

    2 Vege Sausages (meat sausages if you swing that way)

    loads of mushrooms fried in butter*

    1 Large egg **

    Some chipotle sauce

    Fry eggs and sausages - assemble sandwich, add chipotle sauce

    *mushrooms are mainly for dropping down your top

    ** yes yes, an egg isn't a vegetable, but in fact a chickens period

    1. Lord Voldemortgage

      " dead animal eaters"

      Many of us will, when the occasion demands, eat live animals too.

      -

      There's nothing wrong with your sarnie suggestion apart from the fact that, not being a bacon sarnie, it is inferior to bacon sarnies.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Head above parapet

      "you dead animal eaters"

      "Fry eggs"

      "** yes yes, an egg isn't a vegetable, but in fact a chickens period"

      Perhaps, but I'm still unsure how you can be against eating meat but still support an industry that kills all the male chicks soon after birth. Eating eggs isn't 'bloodless'.

      FYI I eat meat, I just don't like veggie hypocrisy.

      1. Richard 81

        Re: Head above parapet

        "I'm still unsure how you can be against eating meat but still support an industry that kills all the male chicks soon after birth. Eating eggs isn't 'bloodless'."

        Quite so. Doesn't matter if they're 'free range' or 'organic' or have any other friendly marketing label; they all come from the same machine.

      2. perlcat
        Facepalm

        Re: Head above parapet

        From the behavior of the vegetarians/vegans I know, the hardest part about it is telling other people what to eat and why.

    3. Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
      Stop

      Re: Head above parapet

      Dead Animal Eaters How dare you use such a term sir!!!!! If $DEITY didn't intend for us to eat dead animals why did he/she make them out of such tasty (cured and smoked) meat??? Well......

      And as for you Haines, there I was enjoying my low-GI high fibre brown bread with low-fat spread when I saw your heinous article, I immediately had to break out the emergency bacon and white bread supplies, Suitably satisfied by two smoked rashers of bacon seasoned with a small amount of Hellmann's barbecue (brown) sauce I had to do 30 minutes penance on the exercise bike to atone for my indulgence.

      1. Psyx
        IT Angle

        Re: Head above parapet

        "If $DEITY didn't intend for us to eat dead animals why did he/she make them out of such tasty (cured and smoked) meat???"

        I think you'll find that in this particular instance $DEITY very deliberately made it very tasty and then told us all not to eat it, just to annoy us. It's just that Christians conveniently ignore that part of the bible, on the grounds that "bacon tastes good. Pork chops taste good."

        I once knew a Saudi visitor to the UK who ordered a breakfast sandwich unknowingly, ate it and declared it to be "the best sandwich I have ever eaten in my life". He was a little gutted and crestfallen to discover that it involved pork as he'd never order it knowingly, but still stuck to his guns on the taste experience.

    4. Marty
      Headmaster

      Re: Head above parapet

      I have a few problems with your post.....

      "As a veggie I can only presume that you dead animal eaters have buggered your taste buds that much that you need all that spice"

      it has been my experience that vegetarian food is so bland that it takes a variety of spices and seasoning to actually make the food interesting to the pallet...

      "2 Vege Sausages"

      now here's the thing, Most low end supermarket sausages only have a 5% meat content and only just qualify as a meat product.. that aside, If your going to eat meat, eat meat, "fake meat" is a crime against the culinary world. its wrong, it has no place in society. never refer to something that has NO meat as a sausage !!

      "** yes yes, an egg isn't a vegetable, but in fact a chickens period"

      now this is where I have to put on my pedantic hat.... a chickens egg is not a chickens period, it is in fact a chickens ovulation....

      Vegetarians should be the first against the wall when the revolution comes....

    5. Annihilator
      Paris Hilton

      Re: Head above parapet

      "2 Vege Sausages (meat sausages if you swing that way)"

      See, I've never got that. If you're vegetarian, why eat something masquerading as meat? If you want sausages, eat sausages.

      1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge
        Trollface

        Re: Head above parapet

        Meat is murder. Eggs is rape!

        1. ukgnome Silver badge

          Re: Head above parapet

          Yes, you are indeed dead animal eaters, I don't see what you pricks have against that, I myself eat dead vegetables. Maybe you don't like that fact. Truthfully don't try to second guess why I am a vegetarian, it's not about the fluffy animals. Who wants the towns overrun by feral cows? The meat industry actually goes a long way to protect species that would of died off. I'm happy you find them tasty, I actually find most of them a bit smelly. But each to their own I guess. In no particular order.....

          @richard81 - Lulz - my eggs come from my chickens, all rescued from harsh factory life.

          @marty - Yes, I also find it strange that vegetarians eat fake meat. Maybe They should call call vege sausages "tube shaped micro proteins"

          @marty - Vege food is bland - PMSl obviously you are correct and I bow down to your superior gastro-knowledge. Maybe you haven't eaten at the right hay troughs. Oh, and pedantry accepted.

          @Lord Voldemortgage - most bacon eaters would agree - a vege saus and egg buttie is not bacon.

          @percat - Totally agree - I just don't eat meat, nothing to do with some form of fluffy animal agenda - if the activist vege\vegan types actually debated the issue properly they would be walking around naked, only drinking rainwater.

    6. Dom 3
      FAIL

      Re: Head above parapet

      Butter, eh?

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dairy_farming#Calf_Management_for_the_Dairy_Herd

  4. Brian Morrison
    FAIL

    And just what.....

    ...is wrong with the use of Crosse & Blackwell Branston Fruity and/or Spicy sauce in bacon sarnies?

    1. Lord Voldemortgage

      Re: And just what.....

      They'd come under the umbrella term "brown sauce" wouldn't they?

      In which case they are one of the sane options.

      1. Brian Morrison
        Flame

        Re: And just what.....

        Brown sauce? Brown sauce!

        No no no no no. It's Crosse & Blackwell, you can't refer to it in such a generic manner.

        Nectar, pure nectar

        <wibble>

    2. Joefish
      Pint

      Re: And just what.....

      Fruity sauce? That is a good one. Another is a 50:50 mix of red and brown.

      Now I'm not going to suggest it for bacon - only sausages - but HP also do a Guinness-based brown sauce...

  5. Captain Scarlet Silver badge
    Unhappy

    Damn this article

    I badly need a bacon sarnie now, come on work day end now please >_<

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "pink but just getting crispy at the edges"

    I knew a girl like that

  7. Amazon Wageslave
    Mushroom

    not a huge bacon sannie fan...

    My preference is for a roll and slice (square sausage) and tattie scone, with onions and tomato sauce. Bonus points for a well-fired or Morton's roll that's pleasingly jaggy to the mouth.

  8. IanPotter
    Thumb Up

    Roll with it...

    Surprised nobody from Scotland has brought up the Caledonian bread of choice: the morning roll

    Even the local Greggs have given up punting the oblong "breakfast" rolls they used to punt bacon in and have started using the proper Scottish ones. They still don't do a haggis roll though...

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Toast the bread.

    Add mushrooms cooked in lightly salted butter.

    Add UNSMOKED Bacon (smoking is for kippers!)

    Add a fried egg.

    Sauce? Hmm, sometimes.

    ENJOY!

  10. Richard 120

    Fuck sauce

    Put a soft fried egg on the sucker.

    1. Elmer Phud Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      Re: Fuck sauce

      Used to go to a cafe that did egg and bacon sarnies with doorsteps of fresh crusty white bread.

      Bacon and eggs cooked in a swimming pool of a frying pan that left you holding the thing at arms length to avoid the drips. Then you had to do the 'snake jaws' thing to eat it.

      Food of the Gods (and guaranteed to send you to see them quickly)

    2. Peter Johnstone
      Facepalm

      Re: Fuck sauce

      Nothing wrong with slapping an egg on it, but it's then no longer a bacon sarnie, it's a bacon and egg sarnie a completely different kettle of fish.

    3. jon 72
      Devil

      Re: Fuck sauce

      Fried egg without chutney... just seems weird..

  11. Richard Wharram

    Daddies Sauce

    Is the best.

    No, not that.

    No.

    1. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

      Re: Daddies Sauce

      Oh, go on - give it a blast...

      http://www.theregister.co.uk/2008/12/12/natural_harvest/

      1. Richard Wharram
        Meh

        Re: Daddies Sauce

        Bacon is salty enough without that thanks :/

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Daddies Sauce

        Broken link :(

    2. Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
      Paris Hilton

      Re: Daddies Sauce

      is that not the same as "fuck sauce"????

      Paris, 2 rashers, a big meaty sausage covered in what ever brand of sauce she likes.

  12. Dredge Judd
    WTF?

    Toasted/fried bread?! Noooo! That's just sick...

    As demonstrated to Mrs.Judd and the Juddlet this morning, a proper bacon sarnie has to be made with fresh, crusty white bread from a split-tin loaf, thick-cut oak-smoked, Wiltshire-cure back bacon, a smearing of English butter and a splodge of HP sauce. Anything else is just wrong.

    In these times of austerity, some compromises may be allowed, however, the gold standard is definitely the above.

    All this talk of catsup and other abominations is fightin' talk!

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Doing well until the brown sauce.

      Tomato ketchup is what a perfect bacon sarnie demands. And that's not subject, it's just plain fact.

      1. Peter Johnstone
        Stop

        Ketchup

        Nah, Ketchup is for children. Brown sauce for grown ups.

    2. Sooty

      Not toasted solidly, but lightly toasted is definitely the way to go. Thick unsmoked back bacon, and since I was introduced to the concept of half hp sauce and half ketchup (daddies obviously), I've never gone back

      If an egg is required, it should be a duck egg, and the yolk should be kept runny.

    3. Frank Bough

      Bread doesn't come from a tin

      It makes the crust go horrible and robs you of any real flavour. Floured or poppy seeded bloomer baked on rice cones. No tin.

  13. John A Blackley

    Where I grew up

    ketchup was for people with ideas above their station. Brown sauce was for the masses and who cared where it was made.

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