back to article Fatties are 'destroying the world'

A famous mad professor who has previously called for Britons to starve their children into dwarfism so as to ease strains on the planetary ecosystem has reiterated his arguments, this time insisting that the amount of surplus flab carried by the human race will soon be equivalent to having another half-a-billion people on Earth …

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  1. xyz
    Mushroom

    so we're all agreed on this one then....

    KILL AMERICANS and save the world.

    1. Eddy Ito Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: so we're all agreed on this one then....

      I humbly disagree. If you want to be on Obama's short list, that's fine but don't think you're taking me down with you. Mark my words agent xyz, Prez. O's reaper drones will mean the end of your whole alphabet organization.

    2. Homer 1 Silver badge
      Mushroom

      Re: so we're all agreed on this one then....

      I'd suggest feeding Americans to the Third World, but I don't want to further poison the food chain.

    3. ZenCoder

      Re: KILL AMERICANS and save the world.

      Good luck with that, if American's are 6% but account for 34% of the biomass then the rest of the world has an average weight of an obese large breed house cat.

      6% account for 34% means 94% account for 66%. (34/6)/(66/94) ~= 8. The average adult in the USA weight about 200 lbs. An chubby main coon (large house cat) weighs 25 pounds.

      1. JetSetJim Silver badge

        Re: KILL AMERICANS and save the world.

        It's "biomass of obesity in the world", not just biomass in general.

    4. Euripides Pants Silver badge

      Re: KILL AMERICANS

      If you kill us all, who will buy the stuff made in China?

  2. Pete 2 Silver badge

    Time for

    bonsai children?

  3. Kevin Johnston

    Statistics

    Never forget 50% are below average

    1. Vladimir Plouzhnikov

      Re: Statistics

      Median?

    2. Tom 38 Silver badge

      Re: Statistics

      This is like 'Poverty in the UK', which is defined as a certain percentage of the median income. One result of this is that there will always be some people in the UK defined as being 'in poverty', presumably because they don't have a flat screen TV.

      It also means that if the high end income distribution changes, the median income drops, the 'poverty line' is hence lower, and a certain number of people are 'lifted out of poverty', without increasing how much money they receive or what that money buys them.

      1. P. Lee Silver badge

        Re: Statistics

        So massive taxation of the rich really does help the poor, even if it just means the rich leave town?

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Does it help?

    If pervasive dieting "eases strains on the planetary ecosystem" then it's because of our finite resources. Finite resources mean our population can't grow indefinitely, and pervasive dieting would still not allow us to do so: it would only increase the number of people we can cram in here, and this guy seems to think we should try to cram in as many as we can.

    1. Thomas 4

      Re: Does it help?

      Well, if we're trying to get rid of useless weight, we could probably start with the guys that wrote the paper.

      1. PatientOne

        Re: Does it help?

        @Thomas

        There's a competition for participation in a rocket launch to Mars. Perhaps we could sign them up? Then they can work on their ideas up there and prove if they're feasible or not.

        Plus, it's a one way ticket...

  5. Colin Millar
    Pirate

    Now now dear do calm down

    I think they were just doing an office bet to see who could get the best headline out of the reg i.e.

    Merkin monster munchers ate my planet

  6. Vladimir Plouzhnikov

    Lunatics

    Somebody should buy an island in some not very hospitable waters and deport all these nutcases and their families there, so that they could demonstrate on their own example how healthy and wonderful will the lifestyle they advocate be.

    Added benefit - one can make a new reality TV show. Instead of eviction there will be extinction, though.

    1. Miek
      Coat

      Re: Lunatics

      "Somebody should buy an island in some not very hospitable waters and deport all these nutcases ... "

      We could call the island ... Australia!

      1. John Bailey

        Re: Lunatics

        Nah.. America didn't work, why would Australia?

    2. Nick Kew Silver badge

      Re: Lunatics

      I guess you missed that part of the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, where they discover the truth about our ancestors ...

  7. Mike 140
    FAIL

    How much?

    ".. 34% of the world's biomass " A widely acccepted figure is that +70% of the biomass on earth is bacterial. (citations if I can find time) Add the claimed USA blubbermass to that and it doesn't leave much for any other fauna, flora, fishes, fungi, .....

    1. Dave 126 Silver badge

      Re: How much?

      Yeah, I double read that part... I think we're all assuming they meant '+70% of the [human] biomass on earth'

      1. JetSetJim Silver badge

        Re: How much?

        It's actually "34% of the world's biomass mass due to obesity". Which means, for N America, with it's population of ~529 million accounting for 34% of the worlds obesity biomass of 3.5M tons, that they're all 2.25kg "overweight". Hardly something to write such drivel of a publication about...

        1. Charles Manning

          Just trying to sound scientific

          Instead of saying x% of the fatness he instead used the buzwordy biomass.

          That promotes the article from a scandle magazine article to a "paper".

  8. Pete the not so great
    Happy

    What is it they say ?

    Inside every fat person there is 2 normal sized people trying to get out.

  9. Vladimir Plouzhnikov

    They couldn't keep their mouth shut

    Here is how it was supposed to be announced:

    QUOTE:

    18/9/2012 T.V. Flash on all Dial-A-Program Services

    This is an announcement from Genetic Control:

    "It is my sad duty to inform you of a four foot restriction on

    Humanoid height."

    Extract from conversation of Joe Ordinary in Local Puborama

    "I hear the directors of Genetic Control have been buying all the

    Properties that have recently been sold, taking risks oh so bold.

    It's said now that people will be shorter in height,

    They can fit twice as many in the same building site.

    (they say it's alright),

    Beginning with the tenants of the town of Harlow,

    In the interest of humanity, they've been told they must go,

    Told they must go-go-go-go."

    UNQUOTE:

    1. Captain Hogwash Silver badge
      Pint

      Get 'em in by Friday

      See icon :-)

      1. Vladimir Plouzhnikov
        Pint

        Re: Get 'em in by Friday

        Cheers! Have a pint before the supper's ready...

      2. IvyKing
        Black Helicopters

        Re: Get 'em in by Friday

        Song title was Get 'em OUT by Friday - though I can se wanting to get the brew in by Friday...

        Reminds me of when the Reg covered the giant hogweed invasion in New York state...

    2. Intractable Potsherd
      Happy

      Re: They couldn't keep their mouth shut

      I wonder how many people are completely baffled by this strand!* (I was immediately reminded of "Get Them Out by Friday" as soon as I read the headline!)

      * It's a song on one of Genesis' early albums, "Foxtrot". Lyrics by Peter Gabriel, music by the whole team.

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    If you are so fat you have to drive everywhere, that's bad. If you are so fat that you can't leave your house without taking the door-frames out, then you will not be using fuel for transport, and that's good.

    But seriously- I think much could be done to save on food wastage, rather than the food that is actually consumed. I remember an interview with the tennis player Martina Navratilova in which she said she has only eaten half of every meal served to her in a restaurant since she moved to the States- the rest she would take home and eat later. That struck me, because as a professional athlete, one would expect her to be expending more energy than most of her adopted compatriots.

    1. Andrew Moore Silver badge

      I'm 6'2" and just under 14 stone but when I was last stateside I choose starters to have as my main course simply because of the sheer amount of food. If you really want a good example of horrendous gluttony, just watch Man V Food- it's on one of the deadbeat channels.

  11. Z80

    If it's all the same to you, I'm going to stay here in crazy BMI cuckoo world rather than joining the real world where I'd need to gain 2 stone to start being labelled as healthy.

  12. Captain Hogwash Silver badge

    primitive savages

    Just wondering which people would own up to being such.

    1. Huntsman
      Boffin

      Re: primitive savages

      Mackems.

  13. wowfood

    Darwin awards

    They blame you for being killed on the roads, they blame you for getting fat, and they will blame you when the planet fries.

    Well, considering the fact I'm a pedestrian, I've seen how stupid some people are, they'll walk out on a busy road without even looking, assuming that the car will stop.

    It generally is your fault if you get fat, anyone who goes "oh its too hard to diet" is just lazy. I'm fat, I got that way by eating KFC every other day while at uni, and now i'm working on losing it. I don't blame KFC, its not their fault I love their chicken. It's mine.

    And yes it will be my fault the planet fries... once my moon laser is complete.

    The only thing I remotely agree on is the thing about cars. I don't think we shoudl get rid of them, but I do wish the government would put in more incentives for using biofuels or electric cars for use around town. The amount of parents driving SUVs to school is annoying as hell.

    They could probably do with lowering the price of train fair too.

    And one great idea I had long ago. Rent-a-car. Not the classic type but in big cities etc. You sign up to some rent-a-car service somewhere in the nation where you get an electric car for home. You want to go to london? Call the rent-a-car and book it through them, get the train to london, hop off, and in the car park would be a rent-a-car waiting for you, electric of course.

    It'd be like that bike thing they're doing in london, only with electric cars.

    1. FrankAlphaXII Silver badge
      Trollface

      Re: And yes it will be my fault the planet fries...

      You mean your moon laser's still not finished? Mine's been sitting in the garage gathering dust since 2004. I blame the evil Optical-Petro-Nutritional complex for the high cost of firing the damned thing.

      1. Dave 126 Silver badge

        You mean your moon laser's still not finished?

        "But to do that would require some sort of doomsday device... Oh well, I suppose I can spare one"

    2. NomNomNom

      Re: Darwin awards

      "It generally is your fault if you get fat, anyone who goes "oh its too hard to diet" is just lazy. I'm fat, I got that way by eating KFC every other day while at uni, and now i'm working on losing it. I don't blame KFC, its not their fault I love their chicken. It's mine."

      As a former fat man I find your self-hating attitude both depressing and offensive. Why can't you be jolly and full of life like the vast majority of fat people out there? Don't you see that by NOT blaming KFC you are saying all other fat people are to blame for being fat in general? You shouldn't stereotype like that, even indirectly. Oh and for what it's worth I only became bitter and resentful *after* I lost weight.

      1. FartingHippo

        @NomNomNom

        "Why can't you be jolly and full of life like the vast majority of fat people out there?"

        Bless their sweaty-faced, wobbly-bellied little souls.

  14. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

    A long term breeding program ?

    Instead of starving children into being short we could just breed for thinner

    If perhaps the typical slightly rotund programmer could be paired with an over skinny super-model the average size of the offspring could be reduced gradually.

    I commend this idea to the house.

    1. Aaron Em

      ...I see we haven't killed all the Lamarckians yet. More energy is required, comrades!

  15. Mage Silver badge

    Hobbit meals

    You know how much a hobbit eats?

    One is like a family of Americans.

    How did the Shire feed them?

    1. Ken 16 Silver badge

      Re: Hobbit meals

      I don't think he knows about second breakfast, Pip.

    2. Mycho Silver badge

      Re: Hobbit meals

      It was a big shire and they weren't too numerous. But yes, hobbits were generally obese. It is noted in Fellowship that Frodo is losing weight on his long journey.

      1. P. Lee Silver badge

        Re: Hobbit meals

        Yeah, because he's walking, not taking his car.

  16. Neil Barnes Silver badge
    WTF?

    I'm just considering the implications to the economy

    when I, in my undernourished state due to radical cutbacks in available calories, take longer to cycle the sixty miles each way to work than I spend *at* work... it'll all end in tears!

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Articles like this don't help, just reading about fatties makes me want chips

  18. The last doughnut
    Stop

    No heating, home-grown food, miserable anti-car existence? Sounds like a weekend at my Ma's house. Shudder.

  19. 1Rafayal

    I am one of these fatties, and, I can confirm that I destroyed part of the world this afternoon

    1. Yag
      Coat

      I AM BECOME FATTY! DESTROYER OF WOOOOOORLDS!

      Sorry... I'm already out...

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