back to article Olympic Wenlock plod cops condemnation from Amazon wags

The Amazon armchair critics are out in force to administer a righteous shoeing to the policeman figurine of Olympic mascot Wenlock, which is tasked with "the important job of protecting you on your journey to the London 2012 Games". The blurb for this rather sinister-looking piece of merchandising suggests: "Take this figurine …


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  1. Purlieu

    Pepper Spray Wenlock

    Pepper Spray Wenlock

    Following in the time honoured US tradition of crowd control, Pepper Spray Wenlock can ensure your safety and protection during your journey through the thronging London Olympic crowds. At any sign of trouble or even somebody looking in your direction, he will automatically engage with protesters and even innocent passers-by and royally give them a dose of what's inside him. They should be grateful for it.

    Be Sure. Be Safe.

    Pepper Spray Wenlock.

    You know it makes sense.

    1. kain preacher Silver badge

      Re: Pepper Spray Wenlock

      Hey ,hey, just to let you know not all of our cops are lazy. There are a few police dept left that still use the old school method of just beating every thing that moves as a form of crowd control.

  2. David Hicks


    People already call the UK a nascent police state. Having one of the mascots as basically a big eye in a police uniform... yeah, that's not going to help.

    I shall be staying firmly out of the country until this olympic nonsense is over and done with.

  3. dotdavid


    I'm hoping that the awfulness of the Olympic logo, font and mascots will be reflected in reduced sales of the branded tat on offer. Unfortunately I doubt this will be the case.

    What with this and the dedicated 'VIP' lanes while the rest of us struggle to get to work, the booking system presumably inspired by the world's greatest scams and the overzealous lawyers preventing anyone from using the word "olympics" in public for copyright reasons I struggle to see what the attraction of the Games is for anyone who isn't part of LOCOG.

    1. Kubla Cant Silver badge
      Big Brother

      Re: Taste


      Excuse me, you just used the word "oly*p**s" in public. You're nicked, sunshine.

      1. Simon Harris Silver badge

        Re: Taste

        Now look, no one is to nick anyone until I blow this whistle.

        Even...and I want to make this absolutely clear...

        even if they *do* say "Olympics."

    2. Richard 81

      Re: Taste

      Well I don't know about you, but I want one.

      It's like having a political cartoon on your desk.

      1. dotdavid

        Re: Taste

        I can see its' attraction as a political cartoon but I wouldn't want to encourage them by giving them my money.

        They've had enough of it already methinks.

        1. h4rm0ny

          Re: Taste

          We need some sort of special satirical bank notes, so we can buy one of these as a joke without the idiots thinking we actually like what they made.

  4. Jim Carter

    It ain't no "Penetrating Wagner's Ring"

    But it's a pumping good start.

  5. TeeCee Gold badge

    Wenlock figurine.

    PC Wenlock must have a very small truncheon. I've studied the pic and I can't see any evidence of it at all.

    I think we now have enough evidence (Logo, Mascots, ZIL lanes, pile-of-scrap-tower, 24 channels of tripe, etc) to support the idea that LOCOG are deliberately trolling us........

    1. Blofeld's Cat

      Re: Wenlock figurine.

      "...LOCOG are deliberately trolling us..."

      I agree, this is the only rational explanation. I keep expecting Lord Coe to tear off his mask and reveal that he is a hideous space-lizard Noel Edmonds.

      Have you seen the Tottenham Hale - Five Ring Circus - Limehouse waterbus fares? £90 adult, £75 kids.

      Oh and the missiles - don't forget the missiles.

  6. Graham Bartlett

    Oh, the possibilities

    A one-eyed monster with a big black policeman's helmet. What could possibly be wrong with this image...?

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

    2. Field Marshal Von Krakenfart

      Re: Oh, the possibilities

      well, it is taking place in the bell west end of london

  7. Irongut

    Ah good old Three Wolf Moon. Something similar seems to have infected Google's app store recently, check out the reviews for Adobe Air. My favourite is probably:

    "I had suffered from AIDS, syphilis, herpes, low gas mileage, lonely sex life, necrophilia, and hypochondria. So needless to say, I was a lonely, decrepit person on the verge of a nuclear catastrophes natural disaster breakdown... did I mention I was broke too? As I'm browsing thru the market, I download a somber, grey app. It says I require adobe AIR. I downloaded it, and I was sucked into a vortex of money, sex, spiritual and physical healing, and next thing I knew, LIFE IS PERFECT. THANKS ADOBE!!!!"

    Who knew what a cure-all Adoe Air could be!

  8. Swoop

    Don't turn your back, don't look away, and DON'T BLINK!

    </dr who>

    1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

      Yep, that thing sure is something for the SCP foundation.

  9. Purlieu


    Read this, it's illegal (yes illegal due to act of parliament) to say "Summer 2012" FFS

    1. John Riddoch

      Re: Prohibited

      Not entirely - the use of the term "Summer 2012" may be taken to indicate an association with the olympics, but not necessarily - "the 2006 Act specifies certain 'Listed Expressions' and states

      that a court may take these into particular account".

      So, if you have a "Summer 2012 sale" in your shop, that's probably OK provided you don't make it look as if it's related to the olympics.

      1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

        Re: Prohibited

        Although to be safe - you should call it "Summer 0x7DC"

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Prohibited

          Personally, I'd go with 'Summer 3734'. Binary is obvious and a massive cliche, and even people who might be expecting hex will get thrown by octal.

          (Trunknote: When I was in high school, seven hundred years ago, I was pretty much the only one with a scientific calculator (an HP 12C at that!). When people asked to use it, surreptitiously putting it in hex was good ("What? Six times seven is 2A? Your calculator is broken, man.") but octal was better, because they often wouldn't notice the difference.

          The only problem was when they tried to do math using the numbers 8 or 9. Your calculator is broken, man.)

          1. LaeMing Silver badge

            Re: Prohibited

            Still got my Casio 115m. Good times with the numeric base trick. I could also spell rude words no-one else could.

            1. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: Prohibited

              " I could also spell rude words no-one else could."

              I used to put it in hex and do 'DIE BAD FEDS'. Good thing I wasn't born any later; I'd be in a supermax cell next to the Unabomber.

              I didn't particularly wish mortal harm upon government employees, either; it just happened to fit the maximum capability of the system. A common trap for programmers to fall into, I think.

          2. Reginald Marshall
            Thumb Down

            Re: Prohibited

            When I was in high school, seven hundred years ago, I was pretty much the only one with a scientific calculator (an HP 12C at that!). When people asked to use it, surreptitiously putting it in hex was good ("What? Six times seven is 2A? Your calculator is broken, man.") but octal was better, because they often wouldn't notice the difference.

            Cool story, but HP-12C is a financial calculator -- no alternate base modes. Moreover, even if it were an HP-16C, which did have base-N calculations and then some, a typical high schooler would be stumped with RPN logic before arriving at 6 x 7 = 2A*. So there's something fishy about that recollection, innit?

            *I mean 6 ENTER 7 x, of course.

            1. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              @Reginald Marshall

              I could be wrong about the exact model number; this was 17+ years ago, and my dad was (still is) an engineer, so I ended up with a lot of various HP calculators.

              All I know is that I love them and mourn the day they were eviscerated - kind of like Formula One, and for the same reason...

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Prohibited

        There's an "Olympic Week" with a "(name of school) Olympics" being held at the local primary school.

        I think the greatest response the British public could provide would be a healthy dose of petty infringements of the law. I just hope that the general ignorance of the law stops anyone bothering to report anyone else.

  10. Oliver 7

    An unwitting physical manifestation...

    of our surveillance culture! Iconic!

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Saw some Olympic tat.. that paragon of cultural preservation, the British Museum.

    My son pointed to a Wenlock type figure it and asked me what it was.

    To which I quipped "I don't know, but come back in a couple of months and it'll be very much cheaper."

    1. Anonymous Coward

      Re: Saw some Olympic tat..

      Are you allowed to describe yourself as having quipped? I think only someone else can say that - it implies you said something biting and funny. But you can't claim that on your own; that's just not right, right?

      ...I quipped.

  12. Cosmo

    Is it just me....

    ....or do the Olympic mascots just look like giant luminous penises?

    1. Crisp Silver badge

      Re: Is it just me....

      Funny, I was just thinking the same about the members of the London Organising Committee for the Olympic Games...

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Is it just me....

      You may wish to consult your physician...

    3. hplasm Silver badge

      Re: Is it just me....

      Perhaps- but it does make the Police look like dicks...

  13. ukgnome Silver badge
    Paris Hilton

    I has to read this article...

    ...only to be sure that Wenlock wasn't a sex toy.

    trouble is, I am still not sure.

  14. david wilson

    Does 'failed attempts to be funny on Amazon'...

    ...really justify an article?

    If the comments quoted in the article regarding Olympic merchandise are actually some of the best ones, they seem well below the standard of the ones about the wolf T shirt.

  15. Midnight

    Looking for...

    The song “Hot Shot City” is particularly good.

  16. Mr Young

    It MUST all be a spoof?

    Life that is...

  17. LinkOfHyrule

    Boris Johnson mascot

    I actually happen to have a little insider information about the official Olympic merchandising. They were actually going to bring out a little model of a Boris Johnson mascot until it was pointed out to them it would be significantly more electable than the real thing so had to abandoned it for fear the greatest city on earth would be ruled by inanimate lump of plastic with a silly hairstyle!

  18. LaeMing Silver badge
    Black Helicopters

    I assume...

    ...if you split open the helmet you will find a functional mini-CCTV concealed behind the one all-seeing eye.

  19. IdristheSweep

    2012 UK Wenlock Tour...

    ...Coming to a car-boot near you from August.

  20. MJI Silver badge

    Petty infringements

    Same reason I have kept away from it.

    Not allowed to bring in food or drink, local event for the torches - no food, no drink, no umbrellas, no pushchairs, no bags, get there 3 hours before ect ect..

    And they kept putting it on the coach rather than running with it.

    What is interesting is that adverts not by a sponsor are completely banned near a venue. Includes small businesses.

    Most ridiculous is that machinery used during the construction - pictures have the company names removed as well as brand names. Yet I found some pictures of various contruction companies and CAT excavators.

  21. TheOtherHobbes

    When did we all

    start living in a script by Terry Nation?

  22. Scott 19


    Can't be authentic, where’s the over time forms?

  23. RecQuery
    Thumb Up

    They removed or deleted my favourite review.

    "I bought this toy for my son, and he initially seemed quite pleased with it. However, one day he asked me how much the Olympics cost, and I told him that it'd be upwards of £10bn. He commented, 'that's really expensive!' I was about to agree when the figurine produced a water cannon and blasted my son into a wall. He then proceeded to pelt my son with baton rounds while screaming 'HOW DARE YOU INSULT THE SANCTITY OF OUR GLORIOUS OLYMPICS?'

    At this point my son was quite dead, and I was understandably upset. Adrian Chiles then came into my living room and started berating my dead son for daring to question the Olympics. It's my understanding that the figurine also filmed all this with his camera eye.

    Despite all this the protective case adds a touch of class and the mascot had provided for hours of fun before.

    In conclusion I cannot recommend this product as it kills children and summons Adrian Chiles."

  24. Svantevid


    Somebody was having a piss... the Olympic logo is Lisa Simpson giving a blowjob, and the mascots are one-eyed monsters.

    I've seen less penile symbology in Ron Jeremy films.

  25. Field Marshal Von Krakenfart

    I woke up the next morning to find myself kettled in my bed."

    You were lucky then that they didn't mistake you for a Brazilian electrician and blow your brains out.

  26. Concrete Cowboy
    Big Brother

    Big Brother/Little Brother

    So, Orwell introduced us to Big Brother. Now we're introduced to Little Brother (Wenlock), via the Olympics. The brilliant move is in having people willingly paying for it!

  27. Intractable Potsherd

    It's sad ...

    How have the police and politicians managed to mess up so much that a figurine in a police uniform produces a feeling of fear and distrust, instead of one of respect and security? Well into my twenties (let's say twenty tears ago), I was, in general supportive of the police. I'd grown up with "Dixon of Dock Green", and, coming from a public service family, knew several police officers (indeed, the next-door neighbours were police officers). The police were not something to be afraid of. OK, my confidence in them had been dented a little by their activities in the miners' strike (I lived in South Yorkshire, and knew people on both sides of the Battle of Orgreave), but accepted that they were acting under orders.* Now, despite never having been in trouble with the police, having only had to deal with them when they have attended incidents that required medical assistance (I called the ambulance, not the police), and knowing a few police, I do not trust individual police, their organisation, or the political machinery behind them. If I saw one being beaten up by someone, I would have to think very hard whether I would trouble myself to give even the slightest assistance for fear of being included in a heavy-handed "arrest everyone in the area" operation.

    Really, the story of how the police lost public sympathy in less than twenty years is utterly remarkable. How and, more importantly, why did so much public sympathy get pissed down the drain? At one time this figurine would have been cute, if still creepy - now it is just full of menace. Like I said, so, so sad ...

    *OK - I know more about the Nuremburg Defence now than I did then.

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