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back to article Verity Stob and the super subjunction

Just downloaded the beta version of English V3.31, and I have to say I am very excited about it. This is definitely going to be a feather in the cap of Anglophones everywhere, and way better than the notorious V2.99 release of French (or the 'deux point neufty-neuf' as it has become known). There's a ton of new features to talk …

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  1. Richard Jukes

    Not funny.

    Take this old nag out back and show her the kindness we all deserve in our final dying days.

    1 98
    1. Mystic Megabyte
      Reply Icon
      Happy

      @Richard Jukes

      I thought it was very funny but maybe the whisky I drank last night is still in my brain.

      What annoys me is that last year everybody was saying "At the end of the day" instead of "ultimately". This year, even on radio 4, everyone says "gonna" instead of "going to". What's going on?

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    2. grumpyguts
      Reply Icon

      And you could do better?

      Those that can do, those that can't moan about it on the interweb.

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    3. Jon Double Nice
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      The bit about

      English becoming dynamically typed is awesome!

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    4. Anonymous Coward
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      Happy

      @ Richard Dukes

      Wow...that's some impressive down-voting you've accumulated there...you going for a record?

      3 0
      1. Francis Boyle Silver badge
        Reply Icon

        More downvotes

        than there are comments in the thread is certainly an impressive achievement.

        2 0
    5. Hungry Sean
      Reply Icon
      Mushroom

      oh, do fuck off.

      Stob articles are a rare and wonderous treat. Go crawl back under your bridge.

      4 0
    6. Trixr
      Reply Icon
      FAIL

      What is the remedy

      ...for humourless sexist w*nkers? ???? ?????

      2 0
  2. Pete Wood
    Thumb Up

    Very funny

    Spot on. Or as Verity would probably want me to say it, having not fully upgraded myself: Like !!!!!!!!!!!!!

    8 0
    1. Thomas 4
      Reply Icon

      Very funny but sadly all too true

      And once again, the English, kneels to the service of l33t-speeking teens as would a $10 hooker.

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    2. Squarebob Spongepants
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      Happy

      Shurley...

      Shouldn't that be Like !!!!! !!!!! !!!

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      1. Martin
        Reply Icon

        ...or even....

        Spot. On.

        Isn't there a Parameterised Emphatic Period?

        Best. ${item}. Evvah.

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        1. Anonymous Coward
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          Coffee/keyboard

          Best. Punctuation. Upgrade. Evar.

          Truly epic when combined with the parameterised cliché.

          Well. done. Martin.

          1 0
      2. Diane Miller
        Reply Icon

        @Squarebob

        Would it properly be !!!!! !!!!! !!! or !!! !!!!! !!!!! ????? ????? ?????

        0 0
  3. frank ly
    Headmaster

    Ponderingly ...

    " ... which aimed to differentiate better between .."

    I have a feeling that this should be ' ... which aimed to better differentiate between ... '

    (It's arguable, I know.)

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    1. GrahamT
      Reply Icon
      Headmaster

      Churlish, I know,

      but "to better differentiate" is a split infinitive. The original reads better. (Or should that be ... "better reads"?/2)

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  4. lawndart

    Hang on

    Is gerund a verb, now?

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    1. John Gamble
      Reply Icon

      Re: Hang on

      Depends upon whether it's obscene or not.

      <http://itre.cis.upenn.edu/~myl/languagelog/archives/004884.html>

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  5. Anonymous Coward
    Pint

    Fine words indeed

    And needed to be said.

    However, you left out the dreaded "defensive reply scenario" which may have come in at version 2.98. The expected reply to the trivia introductory question on health, "How are you" is, if in the affirmative, "I am well." However, the defensive approach currently in vogue is to justify one's prior behaviour with a pre-emptive "I am good," which removes the onus on the first party to continue on to qualitative questioning, while leaving the health issue in abeyance.

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    1. breakfast Silver badge
      Reply Icon
      Thumb Up

      Health issue?

      I had always assumed this was raising the tone from a question about mere physical bodies to a discussion of the moral character of the questionee.

      1 0
    2. Tim99 Silver badge
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      Pint

      Colonial English

      Probably as a result of climate and distance, we in Oz have found it necessary to subjugate existential angst by defining a universal function that always returns the string constant:

      "It's all good mate!"

      Beer, obviously.

      3 0
  6. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    Missing feature?

    Im obviously not keeping up to date because I seem to have missed the upgrade which includes or rather excludes any sort of punctuation whatsoever I mean stuff like that right there where I missed out a full stop and a comma and that's not all did you see where i just missed out the capital and the dash? i could keep going like this purely to demonstrate the non-use of paragraphs as well but I think my point is made oh and I won't be using full stops either naturally but I think ill skip the part where I use of the above as well as CAPITALS and completely stop using apostrophes correct too naturally i got an a in GCSE english can you tell?

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    1. Anonymous Coward
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      Happy

      ˙˙˙ʇı ǝpɐɯ ʇsoɯןɐ

      ...but failed on '?'

      1 0
      1. Anonymous Coward
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        Happy

        Dammit

        You're right. My daughter will be so ashamed.

        1 0
    2. Mike VandeVelde
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      Thumb Up

      commas and periods only

      anything else and, well, youre just being frilly.

      0 0
  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Asymptotically approaching perfection

    Well, that made my week a good one! I have no idea what can be going through the minds of those who say they didn't like this article - my only guess would be "not enough". It's unusual to find anyone who is equally at home in the disparate worlds of computing and literature, but to come across someone who can blend the two to create side-splittingly funny wit... well, we don't deserve Verity, but I am grateful for her. Thank you, God.

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    1. henchan
      Reply Icon

      Here here

      'tis good to see Verity back and in superb form.

      The top of the linked Wiki on Currying, being close to her style of wit, leads me to suspect she must be always chuckling as she goes about her daily business.

      "It was invented by Moses Schönfinkel and later re-invented by Haskell Curry; because of this, some say it would be more accurate to name it schönfinkeling."

      1 0
  8. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    Really good

    Double-heart plus one!

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  9. Simon Rockman

    The missing glyph

    What the English language is missing is a semi-query. A question mark which instead of having a full stop underneath has a comma.

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    1. David Pollard
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      ?/2

      Would this, then, be for questions the answer to which might appropriately be only half-right?

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      1. Thecowking
        Reply Icon

        I can see a use for it

        You'd use it when putting forth statements you weren't sure were true or not and seeking verification.

        "Today is the deadline for that report?,"

        I mean yes you could just use the normal question mark and everyone would know what you meant, but where's the fun in that?

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      2. Munchausen's proxy
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        Pint

        Ever heard an athlete interviewed?

        It would be perfect for the interjected 'you know'.

        1 0
    2. Anonymous Coward
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      IT Angle

      Useful for semi-questions?

      We could use for those sentences that aren't questions? The ones that are spoken with a rising inflection at the end? Those which more self-confident folk would teminate with a brusque full-stop?

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  10. Stern Fenster
    Boffin

    @Richard Jukes

    Personally, I found it funny without benefit of whisky. It's as if you have a down on linguistic practicality.

    Ah no, sorry: It's *like* you have a down on linguistic etc. "As if" is now a standalone with a quite different usage.

    And hey, can we bring back public floggings for people misusing "parameter"? (it does NOT mean "perimeter", you scumbrils. "Within the parameters" is COMPLETELY EFFING MEANINGLESS).

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    1. adrianww
      Reply Icon

      Actually...

      "within the parameters" is perfectly fine and has a very sound and proper meaning when used correctly. It's just incorrect usage of the phrase that presents a problem - particularly if that involves someone confusing parameter with perimeter (Egad!)

      2 0
    2. Chris Miller
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      Epicentre

      And there is a special circle of hell (at least, there is in the one I'm planning to build) reserved for all those (including most of the reporting staff of the BBC) who don't understand the word 'epicentre'. I don't expect everyone to know the correct meaning, but using a word you clearly don't understand instead of the more mundane 'centre' merely because you think it makes you sound more intelligent ...

      (Although I see Webster's now includes this usage as a secondary definition. Ah well, there goes the neighborhood.)

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  11. Richard Jukes

    Indeed

    Indeed those that cant moan on the interweb. Obviously this article only appeals to spelling and grammar nazi pedants. Im sorry, but I think I have only EVER found ONE article by this author funny, and even then it was only mildly funny.

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    1. Martin
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      FAIL

      A useful piece of advice....

      The front page contains the title of the article, the summary and the name of the author. This is useful information, and should be noted carefully before clicking.

      In future, refrain from clicking on the articles labelled "Stob". Then you won't feel it necessary to tell us you don't like them.

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    2. Kubla Cant
      Reply Icon
      Trollface

      @Richard Jukes

      A troll, and not a very subtle one.

      First you gratuitously slag off a witty article. Then you add a post that bundles together illiteracy, shift-key abuse, and Godwin's law.

      The mystery is why you bother.

      10 1
  12. Captain Hogwash
    Flame

    I am good

    When some peasant gives that reply I inform them that it is likely to stand them in good stead if there is an afterlife. Then I ask if they are well.

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    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
      Reply Icon

      Do they respond with this?

      I am well good. Innit?*

      *I assume that the question mark is correct here, although the half-question mentioned above with comma might well be designed for this role.

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  13. hugo tyson
    Coat

    Hot news indeed!

    I thought Julie was down at the chip shop.... with Gordon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  14. Esteis
    Happy

    We all eagerly await the next installment

    I, for one, am raring to learn how ~~;^ is rearranged to summarize that Punch cartoon.

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  15. Spoobistle
    Headmaster

    -ue eeuwwe

    Sorry, -ue is reserved for Frenchisement, as in Dogue de Bordeaux, a slobbery great canine from the land of cheese eating surrender monkeys. Apparently they are really very gentle. You hardly feel a whole leg slipping into their jaws. E.g. Ma dogue is as thicque as twue short planques.

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  16. Alan Ferris
    Coat

    I am good

    The correct response, which I have used for a number of years, is

    "I am breathtaking, thank you"

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  17. ardubbleyu
    Childcatcher

    I am...

    a cunning linguist...

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  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Best one for ages!

    Brilliant!<sub>69</sub>

    Yes, that was deliberate.

    British English: the potency of this perversion of logic and English is such that I've rejected software purely because of its use.

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    1. Intractable Potsherd
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      Yep ...

      ... the only modifier I allow regarding the language spoken in Britain is "proper".

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  19. David Dawson
    Mushroom

    Split infinitive

    Here we go.

    Split infinitives really are fine. English it not latin, which is where this crazy idea came from (latin educated peeps, that is. Or so the story goes)

    To boldy go is, in fact, grammatically correct.

    Put that in your pipe and smoke it you crazy grammarians.

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    1. Field Marshal Von Krakenfart
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      !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~~^:-P

      Or as Winston Churchill said "A load of rubbish up which I will not put"

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