back to article W**k-O-Meter

If you're going to do something, do it properly. A fine creed, and just as applicable to playing the pink oboe as any other worthwhile hobby. Designed not only to tell you how well you are doing it and what effect it’s having, but also to encourage the development of your technique and make it a more pleasurable experience, …

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  1. BorkedAgain
    Happy

    Safe to assume...

    ...this is for iPhonanists only?

    Happy you-know-what, guys. Top banana.

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    Happy April Fool's (Fri)day.

    Great work guys.

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Go

    Rofl

    This is the April Fools one, right?

    1. Code Monkey

      No

      Article says it's an Onandroid (f)app

    2. Code Monkey

      I thought they did that weeks ago

      You know, the one with the Duke Nukem release.

    3. NightFox
      Coat

      Developers Seed

      I beta tested the iPhone version, but I couldn't 'complete the game' with it. Apparently I was holding it wrong.

  4. The BigYin

    A bit obvious?

    Maybe?

  5. lansalot
    Thumb Up

    hmmm

    This is exactly the sort of hands-on approach needed to finally settle that age-old question; just which nation is full of wankers ? Is there an iPhone version coming (as I would expect that the number of wankers would soar if so...) ?

    Like the idea of the "encouraging" sounds.. but surely a picture would be more appropriate? You could have two, even - one of Halle Berry playing tennis perhaps for those racing towards the quick shufty, and another of Anne Widdecombe's ankle for those looking to extend their stamina... ?

    Good to see it's free though, I wouldn't pay for such an app what with being so tight-fisted...

  6. Big_Ted
    IT Angle

    hmmmmmm

    The cynic in me says its April Fools Day

    The realist says this is all too possible when you concider people bought fart aps.....

    Anyway why not just use a pedometer like the rest of the world.......

  7. Anonymous Coward
    WTF?

    seriously???

    Please tell me this is an April Fool...

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Uhmm

    I'm not sure whether I should envy or pity the beta testers. :)

  9. bugalugs

    Best velcroed waterproof pouch on market

    = Profit !

    1. lansalot
      Joke

      :O

      "Anyway why not just use a pedometer like the rest of the world......."

      Paedo??? Paedo?????? Where's my Daily Mail?!?!? There's laws against that sort of thing young man. People like you make me sick so I'm told....

  10. iAndy

    1st April comes so soon

    This is the 1st April so I'll let you off. After all "It's all in the WORST possible taste."

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Alert

    As Peter Griffin once said

    Freakin Awesome!

    lol happy friday

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Coffee/keyboard

    Best subheading this week

    Onan the Barbarian :)

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    For a minute there...

    I was going to congratulate you on the work that went into your April fool joke, but unless you've gone to the trouble of registering an app on the market *and* somehow getting backdated comments on it, the app is real! lmao!

    I'm still not brave enough to download it though!

  14. alyn
    Thumb Up

    iWank

    It should be an iPhone app. I always thought iFans were a load of w@nkers

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Dead Vulture

    Fail

    Wot no FaceTime integration?

    1. Goat Jam
      Thumb Up

      Reverse April Fool

      I bet el reg has been <aholding on to this" story so that they can let it go on April 1st to provoke a flood of "Nice April Fools joke guys!" comments from the commentard brigade.

      Worked a treat too going by my brief scan of the comments section.

      Nicely played El Reg!

  16. Z 1
    Coffee/keyboard

    April fool or not

    This made me chuckle!

  17. Nigel Brown

    Talka bout missing a trick

    This should have been out on iOS first....

    Sent from my iPhone

    Damn, thought I'd got rid of that autosig.........

  18. Gaz Jay
    Joke

    Single?.....

    ....there's a FAP for that.

  19. Uncle Slacky Silver badge

    Excellent April Fool, BTW

    The best kind - quite believable, given the kinds of apps that really do exist...

  20. Ben Best
    Coffee/keyboard

    Very good

    Much better than some of the others I've seen this morning.

  21. amanfromearth
    Unhappy

    No, Wait

    It's 1 April

  22. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    2011-04-01

    Well-crafted poisson article.

    At first I misread "Need an ambiance to help you?" as "Need an ambulance to help you?". Unfortunately that may be true for some users.

  23. Tony S
    Coffee/keyboard

    iFans

    Don't worry; this app will come pre-installed on the iPhone 5. Get your orders placed now!

  24. Uncle Slacky Silver badge
    FAIL

    Onan's crime...

    ...was premature withdrawal, not masturbation...

  25. AGirlFromVenus

    great for politicians

    Network wank: recommended by Cameron, Sarkozy, Belosconi and Obama. Target you jiz over Libyia.

  26. John Smith 19 Gold badge
    Happy

    Joking apart

    And there will be lots.

    Inside this is a pretty clever bit of signal processing reading the accelerometers.

    Got to know that with DSP you can make love (at least to yourself) and not war.

  27. Richard Jukes

    Heh

    It should have been released on the iPhone, the potential market there is massive.

  28. Loosewheel
    Thumb Up

    At last

    A really useful app......

    "Pass the mansize dearest"

    1. LaeMing Silver badge

      Yes.

      Though maybe they were talking about his great uncle, Onan the Barbarian.

    2. Steve Evans

      re: iFans

      Indeed... I heard the iPhone5 will even have a 2cm diameter hole in the middle for improved hands free operation!

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Thumb Up

      so he didn't use his hand

      but the end result was the same now, wasn't it!

      Thumbs up because that's the closest to a hand i could find.

  29. Tavis
    Linux

    Penguin?

    Surely that's a duck, not a penguin?

  30. LinkOfHyrule
    Coat

    I've already got a w***ometre...

    ...it's called a lazy boyfriend!

    Mines the one with the encrusted stains.

  31. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I'm quite happy to live in a world

    where there's an application sporting a "Start Wank" button.

  32. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The Title is Required...

    Cos' we all know Android users are a load of Wan...

    oh wait.

  33. amanfromearth

    Note to self:

    Don't buy a used Android phone.

  34. amanfromearth
    Coat

    This must prove what many iFans think

    - Android phones buyers are Wankers

  35. John Tserkezis

    Obvious.

    When the market tires of apps that make farting noises, this is the next thing to try.

    It also perfectly suits the average iPhone fanboy too!

  36. Rob Haswell

    April fool?

    If so it's quite elaborate as there are comments on https://market.android.com/details?id=me.mga.parquimetro from a few days ago

  37. TeeCee Gold badge
    Happy

    "playing the pink oboe"

    Wrong euphemism I believe.

    When playing the oboe you don't just have to put your hands on it, you also have to put one end in your mouth.

    Which is sort of the point.

    +1 for the fact that it's aimed at wankers and yet not being for the iPhone being a bit of a giveaway here....

    1. LaeMing Silver badge
      Go

      Wouldn't pass the iCops anyway

      App-store rules are that such programs must only use sound-bites from Steve's product launch speaches.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Paris Hilton

      paris plays teh oboe

      And the flute, too. Gets good results out of them both from what i read.

  38. John Square

    Ni9ce reference in the subhead...

    The Beat, indeed.

  39. Arctic fox
    IT Angle

    I have to assume that this is either the......

    ...........release candidate or the relief candidate?

  40. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Missing sales opportunity

    Believability reduced by absence of accessory business model. Where is the special glove to hold your phone to maximize the sensitivity of the accelerometer?

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