back to article Boffins hope for dimensional portal event at LHC by 2013!

Top boffins at international science alliance CERN have decided to postpone a planned upgrade and keep the Large Hadron Collider - arse-kickingest particle-punisher and largest machine of any kind built by the human race - running at current power levels to the end of 2012. This decision has been made because scientists believe …

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  1. John G Imrie Silver badge
    Joke

    Re: Boot Note

    "Readers should note, disappointingly perhaps, that dimensional portals which could be opened by the LHC would be so tiny ... "

    So I need a really *small* crowbar then?

    1. Marcus Aurelius
      Coat

      No small crowbar

      But it seems that it will be a really small Cthulhu which emerges ....

  2. Scott 53
    Coat

    Sparticle

    Will a particle come out announcing "I am Sparticle?" Or will it only spin to the far left?

  3. Geezer
    Coat

    I'm Sparticles!

    That is all.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Remember the film

      No - I'm Sparticles !

      1. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

        Re: Remember the film

        I see what you did there.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        No, I'm Sparticles

        and so is my wife

        1. Spartacus
          Alert

          No your not I am..

          Oh... Errr... no... apparently I'm not..

  4. Graham Lockley

    But....

    Will there be cake ?

    1. stucs201
      Coat

      No...

      ...the cake is a lie.

      (Mines the one with the weighted companion cube in the pocket)

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Coat

        But...

        I guess we better be prepared to welcome our Combine overlords then.

        Mine's the one with the icing stains, thanks.

      2. thecakeis(not)alie

        stucs201

        But there really was cake!

        It's well documented. Search http://www.thecakeisnotalie.com/ for "Cake Sphere". The recipe for the cake is there...

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    10E-26 seconds

    10-E26 seconds might be plenty of time in a different time frame

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Should have been clearer...

      Is that 10^-26 from the CERN boffin point of view or from our new extra-dimensional overlords'* point of view?

      * Whom I welcome

  6. Ian Michael Gumby Silver badge
    Joke

    Oh yeah...

    There was this guy Maxwell who lived in a cave...

    He was a wizard who kept a pet daemon who blocked all of the fast moving particles from entering the cave in the summer and then kept the fast moving particles in during the winter so to keep the cave warm.

    So you've got to wonder.... where did Maxwell get such a small daemon?

    If he could open a portal way back when... what makes you think one of his little daemons wouldn't pop through now?

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    resonance cascade?

    Remember, headcrabs are vulnerable to shotgun blasts and well timed crowbar swings.

    1. tumbleworld
      Pint

      Delicate times

      I believe CERN's finances exist in vast numbers. _Vast_.

      They can afford to employ one measley portal scientist skilled in xenomartial guerilla warfare. I'd go so far as to say it's a duty. If he just so happens to be a slim, dark-haired chap with close-cropped hair, glasses and a goatee, so much the better. I think we'd all sleep better at night.

    2. MinionZero
      Linux

      @"So you've got to wonder.... where did Maxwell get such a small daemon"

      The daemon grew up and now works for the Bureau of Paranormal Research and Defence.

      Penguin icon, as its the nearest to a cat like icon I could find. :)

      1. Ian Michael Gumby Silver badge
        Boffin

        @MinionZero

        You're mixing stories... Maxwell and Harry Potter don't mix.

        Here's a hint... "And the lord said let there be light..."

        Now do you know who Maxwell was?

        1. MinionZero
          Happy

          @Maxwell and Harry Potter

          @Ian Michael Gumby: "You're mixing stories... Maxwell and Harry Potter don't mix."

          Just as well I wasn't referring to Harry Potter then. :)

          FYI, the demon working at the Bureau of Paranormal Research and Defence, is Hellboy.

          By the way, Hellboy likes cats (not to eat, but as pets). (I have no idea what he thinks about Penguins, but we don't have a cat icon).

          Meanwhile, the pet daemon you refer to is Maxwell's demon, a thought experiment to discuss from a statistical point of view, the nature of the Second Law of Thermodynamics. Incidentally, Hellboy is fireproof, which is an ideal quality to have if he wanted to work for Maxwell as his demon.

          So there you go, there is some logic lurking behind my insanity. :)

          1. Ian Michael Gumby Silver badge
            Alien

            @MinionZero

            You are correct, I stand corrected.

            You truly are a twisted nerd who needs to get a life.

            But who am I to talk?

            I'm the guy wearing the MIT Hillel's T-Shirt w Maxwell's Equation printed on the front with the added line '... and there was light'.

            (Ok I haven't worn it for years and I wonder if they still print it.)

      2. Michael Dunn

        Cat?

        We've only got your word for it that the cat is alive - open the box!

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    But...

    "exist for such ultra-brief instants of time"

    But that's longer than a clamper waits before clamping your car. So can we expect inter-dimensional traffic wardens, to be waving their fine pads around?

  9. Big_Boomer
    Terminator

    We are all DOOOMED!!

    When the LHC finally exposes the Higgs Boson Sparticle for all to see the universe will cease to exist. Since we live in a universe that is based on observer interactions, finding the final particle will complete the human experiment which will subsequently be turned off.

    That isn't to say that it won't be run again to see if the results are the same, after all repeatability is a requirement of any good experiment.

    Next time around I plan to be Giant Tortoise.

    Sod the coat,.... where are my pills?

    1. Bill B

      in your coat

      The dried frog pills are in your left hand pocket.

    2. Mark123
      Go

      No we are not!

      You should know by now what will really happen....

      As soon as the Sparticle is discovered, the entire world as we know it will dissolve away into white and a big sign will appear saying "LEVEL 2!"

      I can't wait for the new maps and powerups!!

      See you in the next level

      1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

        Title?

        One theory states that as soon as we discover what the universe is for, and why it is here - it will instantly vanish, and be replaced by something even more bizarrely inexplicable.

        A second theory states that this has already happened...

        1. Michael Dunn

          Aye

          The Higgs boson is a boojum, and we'll slowly and silently vanish away.

        2. Nigel 11
          IT Angle

          already happened ....

          ... several times ....

  10. Oliver Mayes

    "Out of this door might come something, or we might send something through it,"

    If we're going to send something through might I suggest Jedward? Or would that be considered un-neighbourly to our interdimensional bretheren?

    1. Loyal Commenter Silver badge
      Happy

      Nah, that's fine

      Cthulhu is hungry

    2. BorkedAgain

      Oh great plan.

      You're just itching to start an interdimensional war aren't you? No sooner do you find a useful hole than you start dumping all our old shit through it...

      1. It wasnt me
        Thumb Up

        Indeed...

        ....perhaps before we find these portals we should really come up with an international convention on fly-tipping.

        1. John Murgatroyd

          Do....

          you not mean INTERDIMENSIONAL conference on fly-tipping ?

        2. stucs201
          Joke

          Fly tipping?

          Is that like cow tipping, but with small winged insects?

  11. envmod

    you may laugh

    at the idea of interdimensional beings squeezing their way into our plane through any tiny portals created by CERN, but I have yet to see definitive proof that this will absolutely not happen. I mean, these being might just be waiting on "the other side" for us to create a portal that they can then commandeer and control with their advanced 10th dimension portal stabiliser.

    1. Bilgepipe

      But...

      But if there's no portal already there for them to swarm through, how would they know about us lot on this side? Perhaps it's a read-only portal.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Linux

        Read Only?

        Well just in case...... sudo chmod a=r Portal

    2. Anonymous Coward
      FAIL

      but I have yet to see definitive proof

      Do you think they would be experimenting if they had definitive proof?

  12. oldredlion
    Thumb Down

    a boffins promise is worth?

    Portals... what a lot of nonsense. Science keeps promising but never delivers.

    Michael Rudd (or maybe Judith Hahn) promised us jet packs back in the 70s... and where are they? Hmmm? no where, that's where.

    Sticking wings onto a car is not a jet pack. I want my jet pack!

    1. Scott 53

      Get your jetpack here

      You even get change from $100,000

      http://www.engadget.com/2011/01/31/water-propelled-jetpack-is-no-dream-can-be-yours-for-99-500-th/

      (Still grinning from being first with "I am Sparticle")

    2. John Murgatroyd

      No

      Jet packs are canceled.

      No way to have speed cameras at higher-than-ground-level, and traffic wardens would need ladders...

  13. JeffyPooh Silver badge
    Coffee/keyboard

    Nice wording.

    "...maximum particle-prang potential of 7 TeV: the more cautious red line had to be painted on the big dial..."

  14. ShaggyDoggy

    Wrong by 11 days

    21/12/2012

    I, for one, .... etc

  15. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge

    Before opening doors to higher dimensions

    should we not work out how to fire missiles at right angles to reality?

  16. Mystic Megabyte Silver badge
    Happy

    Hey Yankees! 110 volts aren't enough

    "1 TeV plinkings" LOL

  17. stucs201

    running at current power levels to the end of 2012

    Hmmm, isn't that around when the Mayan calendar hits the end of its current big cycle? The end of the world nutcases are going to have a great time with the idea of interdimensional portals opening on that date.

  18. Pete 2 Silver badge

    The easiest business case in the world

    Boffin: "We've got to keep the LHC running for another year - that way we'll open an interdimensional portal and we will be able to communicate with the future"

    Bean counter: "How can you be sure"

    Boffin; "Simple, I got am email from myself, dated 2013 telling me how to do it"

    1. VinceH Silver badge

      Letters, Digits

      The barman said "Sorry, we don't serve time travellers in this establishment."

      A time traveller walks into a bar.

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