back to article Walmart falls in with Washington's war on terror

The US Department of Homeland Security has joined forces with the most relentless and observant patrol force available in the US - Walmart shoppers. The Washington anti-terror agency will call on the cut-price chain's army of aisle-plodding bargain spotters to apply those same skills to spotting the enemies of the United …

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  1. Geoff Campbell
    WTF?

    WTF?

    I mean, where on earth do you start with this one? Surely the USA isn't that badly broken, is it? If it is, we're all *deep* in the merde....

    GJC

    1. William Boyle

      And just how deep are we?

      I think there is no tube in the universe that can get us oxygen down here! :-)

    2. Aaron Em

      We're all in deep shit, then

      Because this is what nascent fascism looks like.

      (And, yeah, I know that's a hard F word to use without sounding like some kind of paranoid alarmist, but if you think you've got something more accurate to call it, go right on ahead!)

      1. Geoff Campbell
        Happy

        Oh, well....

        ....better have one last party, then. A *big* one.

        GJC

      2. Fred Flintstone Gold badge

        F word to replace fascism

        F*ched up, surely?

        What a mess. And these guys have the remote control for global finance in their hands..

    3. Anonymous Coward
      WTF?

      You start with 1937

      17th congress of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union.

      Nuff said. Me Coat. The one with the obituary of my great grandad, two of his sons and most of the rest of his family who were shot shortly thereafter as they did not fit the "find the enemy" message broadcasted via public broadcast systems in shops, squares, schools and public transport.

    4. Dan 55 Silver badge
      Alien

      "Welcome, to City 17..."

      That's all.

    5. Ian Michael Gumby Silver badge
      Black Helicopters

      Not broken...

      Unlike most of Western Europe where the government watches one from an army of cctv cameras or the government has a built in spy network from when the 'wall' came down.

      We have to rely on the ordinary guy in the small town wal marts watching out for something that has changed. People notice this. You know like strangers in a Southern town and when you stop of gas, Bubba says ... "... you aint from around here boy, are ya?..." (And yes, I've heard that one along with some of my friends... )

      Unfortunately, it is for this same reason we fear the 'homegrown' terrorist more that an enemy combatant. They know the language, idioms, customs, etc ... They can blend in better.

      (Its true of any country).

      And yes, we are in deep shit. we're facing a group of people who don't value human life, and want to kill you simply because you don't believe in the same thing they do.

      Welcome to the shit bucket we call humanity.

      Oh and BTW, relying on human nature... much cheaper than cctv cameras and building up an internal spy/police network ... ;-)

      1. BioTube
        Pint

        And the terrorists are winning

        People *still* think homeland security's actually making them safer. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to drink my woes away.

  2. Cameron Colley

    The ones in the UK seem to be laughed at.

    At least that is my experience of hearing the "DOES YOUR NEIGHBOUR LOOK FOREIGH AND HAVE TWO PHONES!?!?!?!" in a local shop -- the customers and shopkeeper seem to chuckle a bit and say things like "bloody scaremongering" and "oh, shit I'm a terrorist".

    Then again -- looking on a website which I am assured shows what the People Of Walmart look like the customers of the store does seem to include some of the local militia as well as a few super heroes (well, at least I think that's why they wear tight costumes and/or their underwear on the outside).

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Unhappy

    Sad

    "it's a place where you sometimes see your neighbor the most"

    If that's true then this is quite sad. Unless, of course, you are on a farm and are hundreds of metres away from your neighbour. Hang on, if you own a big farm, you are rich - why on earth would you be shopping at Walmart ?

  4. Titus Technophobe
    Joke

    Hot Fuzz ?

    If anybody else has seen that film. Just not sure if Walmart are playing Somerfield, or the good guys.

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    It's all in the title

    Attention Wal-Mart shoppers, we are at war with Eurasia, we have never been at war with Eastasia....

  6. Anonymous Coward
    WTF?

    Sad...

    ...so sad...land of the free....once.

    That is all....

    1. Donald Atkinson
      Thumb Down

      You may not have a choice

      If you really do live out in the country you might not have much choice as to where to shop. WalMart has driven most small town stores out of business. Quite often your choice is WalMart or a very long drive. Welcome to the USA.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      I was reminded of that site as well

      It does seem apt, somehow (NSFSanity): www.peopleofwalmart.com

      Mob rule? DHS knows who to appeal to.

      And indeed, this has nothing to do with actual security at all, but with yet again "engaging" the public with their message of terror. The obvious conclusion, therefore, is that they're as bad as the TSA and the free world (including non-stupid America, what little there's left of it) would be much better off without either.

    3. Aaron Em

      "If you own a big farm, you are rich"

      If you live in the US and you own the kind of farm you're thinking of -- that is, one where the livestock don't spend their entire existence in battery cages -- then you're poorer than dirt, in fact. That's how backwards we've allowed ourselves to become.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Big Brother

    Shop your neighbours for fabulous prizes!

    Fear the terrorist, the alien, the freak.

    1. Kevin Johnston Silver badge

      profit margin

      Back in the day there were poster all over the UK advising how crime was costing each household X amount. The reward for 'information leading to conviction' was 2X and it was not long before every poster had been updated with the slogan of 'Make a profit and turn yourself in'

    2. I didn't do IT.
      Unhappy

      It's time to play LOTTO!

      That's right, where the person to your left or right could make you win FABULOUS PRIZES and CASH, CASH, CASH!

      - with apologies to the relevant science fiction movie...

    3. JEDIDIAH
      Linux

      Hecho in Mexico...

      > Fear the terrorist, the alien, the freak.

      Clearly you've never been in a Wal-mart. '-)

  8. Parsifal
    Big Brother

    What else is there to say?

    Icon says it all.

  9. Stephane Mabille
    WTF?

    What's next?

    Assange picture on McDonald's Coke cup? 1984/Brazil is coming....

    1. Pascal Monett Silver badge

      What's next ?

      Summary executions, obviously.

      1. The Cube
        Flame

        The USA already carries out summary executions

        Pretty much every week the US will kill one or more people who are identified in secret as being "enemies" of the state. They might be taken out by snipers, kidnapped up close and personal then sent to UnpronouncableStan to be tortured and killed (but not by US or UK forces of course) or just fragged along with their neighbours and a nearby school or wedding by a reaper drone.

        The only difference here is that the public are now being invited to join the Department of Fatherland Security in spreading the terror that Bin Laden wanted. Congratulations to the DHS, Mission Accomplished guys, the terrorists have officially won.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Broadcast live...

        In front of a studio audience.

        Ring in on our premium number, and you could win the chance to FRY YOUR OWN TRAITOR! Answer this simple question: when faced with shifty Johnnie Foreigner, do you:

        A - Smile pleasantly.

        B - Smile pleasantly.

        C - Report him to the local Anti-Terror unit.

  10. Pirate Dave
    Pirate

    eh

    McCarthyism, Episode II ?

    Good grief. It's chilling that Wallyworld would agree to do this kind of crap. Time to start shopping elsewhere.

    1. muninsfire
      Big Brother

      Agree?

      @Pirate Dave

      What do you mean "agree"? Walmart has -always- played up the patriot angle, just like they've always played up the 'quality' and 'value' angles--all of which are approximately equal, when you think about it.

      So there's zero surprise here that they'd buy in to the whole Homeland Security angle. Hell, they'll probably start advertising it--half the TSA drones would otherwise work at Walmart anyway; it's one of the only other places you can get a job without a degree these days.

      1. Pirate Dave
        Pirate

        not disagreeing with you

        my only surprise was that Walmart would do it with no obvious (to me, anyhow) profit motive. I thought they were all about the mighty dollar, and any "patriotic" sense is nothing but marketing whitewash. After all, 90+% of the non-grocery stuff on their shelves is made in SE Asia. Hell, China probably gets more economic growth from Walmart than we do.

    2. Tom 13

      @Pirate Dave

      Well, that's the kind of crap that happens when easily led sheeple buy into demonizing a company "because they drive all the mom and pop shops out of business" or "drive wages down."

      I was pleased as punch when a Walmart opened not far from where I lived. Prices at the local price gougers suddenly plummeted because there was an honest vendor on the street. But after all the demonizing I now avoid it because service has gone to shit. They use to have a cashier at every register, these days you're luck if half of them are operational (including self-checkout). All that happened since the Marxists/Communist/Progressives successfully demonized a good company.

      1. Steve Taylor 3
        Unhappy

        You may have missed a clue.

        So - Walmart came to town and they were really good for a while, and all the other businesses disappeared. Then with only Walmart left, they went to crap - but you were stuck with them because they were the only game left in town.

        It's almost enough to make you think, isn't it?

      2. skeptical i

        No, it all happened because that's the Wal Mart Way:

        Step 1: Announce intent to move to a municipality in region X.

        Step 2: Sit back and watch municipalities in region X compete with each other on how much "incentive" (discount land, tax breaks, you name it) they will offer if only WM will bring "jobs" to their community.

        Step 3: Pick a winning location, build a ginormous building and parking lot (often requiring reconfiguration of access roads and/or traffic signals -- at the "winning" municipality's expense). Hire sales and management staff at the lowest wage the market will bear (usually minimum).

        Step 4: Buy boatloads of plastic crap from China; price it all to undercut prices offered at existing stores, including a handful of loss- leaders sold below cost.

        Step 5: Grand opening. Mobs flock in. Cashiers ring.

        Step 6: Watch locally- owned smaller shops close as customers flock to the big box.

        Step 7: Once the competition is dead and buried, raise prices and cut service down to the bare minimum. If customers complain, tough luck: where else are they gonna go?

        /That/ is the Wal Mart Way.

  11. John F***ing Stepp
    Happy

    Well it scares me.

    'Cause I have to live here and we are making the threat level an unending grim shade of gray.

    What is the price of freedom?

    Always low prices; always.

    And the little smiley face?

    The new, very real, face of Big Brother.

  12. Sergie Kaponitovicz
    Grenade

    Bin Laden/Al Quaeda: 10, Western Democracy: 0

    The title says it all.

    Just ignore the fuckers. The longer we all live in a state of paranoia the longer the terrorists control the game/war/whatever you prefer to call it.

    Two fingers (a la Churchill) to BL/AQ and Walmart who are exploiting sub-average IQ punters. You know the ones... the punters that took out sub-prime mortgages invented by Bill Clinton who ultimately created the cess-pit global economy we are all now paying for.

    1. Martin Owens
      Thumb Down

      You mean

      You mean Reagan right? I mean surely your memory doesn't stop at 1990.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      @Bin Laden/Al Quaeda: 10, Western Democracy: 0

      Indeed.

      Plus retarded slogans are easy to subvert.

      "If You See Something, Say Something".

      Oh really?

      Say, did you just see <known collaborator> doing something suspicious?

  13. DrXym Silver badge

    What could be more American than Walmart?

    A place that sells virtually 100% made in China tat. It could make for a unique treasure hunt experience - "find an item of cookware which was made in the USA for 50 points".

    1. IR

      Too right

      Everytime there is a headline about a toy recall, it is nearly always for a Disney product sold only in Walmart.

      Walmart: the place where they sell guns but refuse to sell CDs that contain swear words.

      1. Ty Cobb

        Except

        They no longer sell guns in the store, and who the Heck uses catalogs anymore?

        1. Joseph Slabaugh
          FAIL

          Walmart and guns

          They do sell guns where I live. Which is surprising, but I was just there the other day and saw a few on display. But not as many as down the road where there is a "Fin Feather Fur Outfitters" about 1/2 mile from the Walmart.

          So now we should stand by the gun sales dept and watch who buys guns, and report them to the authorities.

  14. Pascal Monett Silver badge

    DHS videos in stores ?

    Why wait ? Put a large screen on a blimp, include 1000W speakers and broadcast continuously over all major US cities.

    Include army checkpoints at all entry points of all major cities (already covered by the blimps) in order to ensure proper population control (hello citizen, have you found a terrorist today ?), as well as hourly radio broadcasts and you end up with a country that would make a certain WWII dictator positively green with envy.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Big Brother

      which one do you mean

      Stalin or Hitler?

      Whichever, there are many cold war era leaders (incl. Russian, Chinese, other Asian, etc) who would be salivating at the mere thought of the level of paranoia, control and oversight achieved in this land of the supposedly free in the year 2010.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Don't forget

      ...CCTV and routine body cavity searches at the airports. It's for your own good, really!

  15. georgeclooneylookalike
    FAIL

    Catchphrase - You're Riiiiiiiiggggghhhhhtttttt!!!!!!!!

    If you see it, say it!

    Cue lots of blokes with beards getting fitted up

  16. NRT

    Is anyone else reminded

    of the 1950s "Duck & Cover" campaign used to show children how to survive a nuclear weapon?

    This looks just as silly.

    Nick.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Black Helicopters

      I am also reminded of...

      ....George Orwell's 1984

      ....The Combine (Half-Life 2)

  17. Tigra 07 Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    I'll never understand how Americans value a life so low...

    Orange Juice...Check!

    Bagels...Check!

    Mentos...Check!

    Shoot! Timmy, go pick mommy up a pump action shot gun for ya Uncle Ned!

  18. Tigra 07 Silver badge
    Pint

    Hunting season at Walmart...

    Ding! Attention! Clean up on aisle 6! Bin Laden appears to have been spotted and shot by a keen eyed shopper!

    Ding! Attention! Clean up on aisles 1,5,9 and 10! Bin Ladens appear to have been spotted there too!

  19. Sillyfellow
    Black Helicopters

    hello ?

    FYI.. it's an old strategy called 'divide and conquer'. to cause people to distrust and make enemies of each other.

    1. Ted Treen
      Big Brother

      hello again?

      It doesn't stop there:- it's also to keep us in a perpetual state of fear, so we know our only chance of survival is to trust in our saviours, the governing classes.

      Absolutely no different than parents who use the threat of the imaginary bogeyman to make toddlers behave.

      Except most parents are probably brighter than the collective intelligence of almost any government.

      And one day, (hope I'm here to see it) sufficient of us will be sufficiently pissed off at being treated as toddlers that we'll collectively do something about it.

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