"Dear Mr Spa Stick,
It has come to our attention that you have been pwned (lol) by internet terrorists. Possibly acting on behalf of the cyber paedophile and drug smuggling group Anonymous, which we believe to be paid operatives of the Chinese government. As you may know, Anonymous has over 9000 hackers on steroids and are working round the clock to steal your internets.
As a concerned third party, we at Virgin Media have put together a comprehensive security regime that has been independently verified by Gordon Brown himself (the man who invented the internet). Simply follow these three rules and you will be 100% secure:
1. When you see a black cat, throw salt over your modem.
2. Consider buying Windows 7 (again if you already have it).
3. Reinstall your internets from the latest version of the AOL CD.
If you follow these simple rules and still feel the urge to pay us an extra £6 a month, we offer a fantastic new service with trained call center operators in Bangladesh who can tell you how to use your start menu and many other exciting computer science topics.
absolutely fantastic, although it did seem to be missing the usual "Greetings in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ;" tag-line at the start.