back to article F*ck you, thunders disgruntled fanboi Apple user

Here's a poser for you: What's the difference between a fanboi and an informed Apple user? The answer? Well, here's the opinion of one Aaron, in response to our piece Apple in Brazilian iPad shocker, in which this hack evidently failed to distinguish between discerning technology aficionados and slavish worshippers at the …

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  1. Slug
    Jobs Halo

    Is this a lateral thinking problem?

    ...I have no legs.

  2. John McEchron

    and the fanboi says...

    well, I can't jump because I always get stuck in some hipster-pose with my hair spread out. Then my iPod starts glowing white and I can't move again for at least 30 seconds - like I'm waiting for some random iTunes task to complete.

  3. Graysonn

    duh

    ...if I'm onboard we'll survive. Because apples never crash.

  4. David Webb

    Ending

    "There's a Linux penguin, a fanboi, and a Windows luser in a plane, and the pilot says, we're carrying too much weight, one of you has got to go, and the fanboi says, well, I can't jump because..."

    White mac's can't jump.

  5. Graysonn

    fanbois dream....

    ..if I'm onboard we'll survive. After all Apples never crash.

  6. revdjenk
    Grenade

    The Apple fanboi says,

    "I can't jump, 'cuz there isn't an app for that."

    Which helped the Linux penguin to become brave enough to retort, "and I can't fly without more support."

    As the two turned toward the Windows luser, they saw he had already jumped at the idea of "open" Windows.

  7. Haku

    "well, I can't jump because..."

    ...I don't have an app for that.

  8. Steven Knox Silver badge
    Joke

    Okay, I'll have a go...

    There's a Linux penguin, a fanboi, and a Windows luser in a plane, and the pilot says, we're carrying too much weight, one of you has got to go,

    The fanboi says, "well, I can't jump because the interface to the parachute system is way to ugly."

    The luser says "I can't jump because it's an illegal operation."

    The peguin jumps, but fails to survive because it couldn't decide which of its 13 parachute packages it wanted to use, while the plane itself crashes because nobody noticed that the plane manufacturer had linked the control systems to the penguin.

  9. TheOpsMgr
    Joke

    Interrupt-driven...

    "... because to leap out would be pre-emptive and we know that iP*d's can't multi-task..."

  10. anoff

    Air Superiority

    I can't jump because "i'm more important than you two. I can even afford a UK iPad!"

  11. Anonymous Coward
    FAIL

    fanboi

    lol

  12. Gutz

    because...

    the Fanboi would have a MB Air and have no money weighing them down...

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    ..because.

    ....there's no app for that.

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    because...

    I don't have my iChute!

  15. zmijoljuta

    My iParachute...

    ...is not designed (to) open

  16. Leeroy Bronze badge
    Thumb Up

    Fanboi

    I LOL'd

  17. ktabic
    Pint

    I can't jump because...

    ...my personal saviour Steve Jobs is due to announce a new iPhone that will be even more like a real phone and there will be new iPads and I think there is an app to cancel out that whistling sound and Steve Jobs wouldn't want me missing out on those since he is doing his best to make iStuff safe and secure and unable to do anything He wouldn't do and then I have to...

    The penguin and the luser, both looking out of the planes hatch watch the fanboi disappear through the cloud layer. They look at each other.

    "Jobs a good un" says the penguin.

    "I guess we really do have things in common" says the Windows luser.

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    Yes!

    Yep, I agree...Fuck you..

  19. Chris Seiter
    Thumb Up

    Poor finish

    "have a family at home that loves me." The penguin and the Windows lUser respond with the same, and they all look at each other knowing that no one will volunteer.

    The pilot comes out of the cockpit and checks to see if they have made a decision.

    "No one wants to jump, sir." the penguin tells him. The pilot walks to the back of the plane and grabs the only parchute. He opens the door, and as the wind is rushing in they hear him yell to the fanboi, "F*ck you, Kevin Smith. Lose the weight!" and the pilot parachutes safely to the ground as the plane crashes into the mountainside.

  20. Evil Graham
    Thumb Down

    Come on Lester

    That's a really lame FoTW. Where's the upper case ranting? The mixed-up grammar? The foaming-mouth rage and personal insults?

    This one even had punctuation, FFS.

    Didn't there used to be a Reg checklist for FoTWs?

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    There's a Linux penguin, a fanboi, and a Windows luser in a plane,

    and the pilot says, we're carrying too much weight, one of you has got to go, and the fanboi says, well, I can't jump because...

    the parachute isn' approved by Apple

  22. Brian Miller
    Joke

    Linux penguin, Mac Fanboi, Windows luser

    The fanboi says, "I can't jump because ..." and then the penguin slaps him across the face, throws the Windows luser out the door because the luser has blue-screened already. Then the penguin says, "I'm already backed up on the Internet," and dives out. The pilot, realizing that there's only the fanboi back there, gives the plane a barrel roll and fanboi goes tumbling out through the open door.

    This has been brought to you by zOS Airlines.

  23. Keith Doyle
    Jobs Halo

    It's quite simple, really...

    "fanbois" are knee-jerk religious fanatics about their computer. This guy just proved he is one...

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    because...

    ...my shoes are filled with semen.

  25. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Can't Jump Because...

    I can't jump because my life won't flash before my eyes

  26. Dave 52
    Joke

    ...and the fanboi says, well, I can't jump because...

    ...there's no app for that

  27. Anonymous Coward
    Unhappy

    Too much name-calling

    Although I'm not a Mac user myself, I'm also bothered by the excessive use of the term "fanboi" and similar expressions. They can be OK and funny if used sparingly but The Register has gone way overboard in this in my opinion.

    I very much appreciate the critical viewpoints expressed here, but a cutback in name-calling and general rudeness would certainly serve this site well. If I ever stop coming back, it'll be most likely because of this.

    Just my two cents.

  28. ElReg!comments!Pierre Silver badge

    Because...

    Although the beginning doesn't fit very well with what I had in mind, I'll give it a spin.

    ... because you didn't say «Steve Jobs says»

    ... because there's no app for that.

    ... just make it fly, not that big of a deal. Sent from my iPhone.

  29. empty

    Suggestion

    ....that involves multi-tasking.

  30. Anonymous Coward
    Pint

    Because ...

    There's a Linux penguin, a fanboi, and a Windows luser in a plane, and the pilot says, we're carrying too much weight, one of you has got to go, and the fanboi says, well, I can't jump because... THERE'S NOT AN APP FOR THAT!

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Happy

      Fanboi alert

      Clearly a fanboi here.

    2. Rafael 1
      Dead Vulture

      Come on...

      Who is really, truly obsessed by Macs, iPads and iPhones, and can't talk about anything else? Regtards, of course.

      I am surprised we don't see more "news" like:

      "New botnet discovered -- by a AV researcher who, when asked, said the iPad is cool"

      "Naomi chucks another phone at a servant... if it was as heavy as an iPhone it would really hurt"

      "Watch out for the next Microsoft's Patch Tuesday -- iPhone upgrades not included"

      "Obama says Nasa will go again to the moon... which is orbiting the Earth... which contains several million iPhones."

      "Several UK voters used their iPhones before voting -- what does it mean?"

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      iDick

      iDick

    4. Dave H 2
      Dead Vulture

      This has been irritating me too...

      For a while now, El Reg has been referring to Apple users as fanbois, regardless of context. Apple users complain about a bug and the headline reads "Fanbois howl" - how is that an accurate use of the term? Real fanbois deny all failings of their beloved whatever. Insult them when they have it coming, not all the bloody time!

      Blanket attacking a usergroup actually seems a lot like fanboi behaviour to me (and don't start on me - I've never owned anything apple).

    5. Anonymous Coward
      FAIL

      in your opinion...

      So what of; linux penguins, windoze lusers, commentards? everyone gets a pasting on el reg. it is not unfair, yet only the fanbois complain. perhaps they feel theres truth in it? and it hurts thier frail easily tempted souls...

      btw you won't be missed.

  31. Trevor Pott o_O Gold badge

    I can't jump because...

    ...I don't have an app for that.

  32. Anonymous Coward
    Alert

    No can do...

    Either me falling or this plane flying would have to run

    in the background and that's not possible right now...

  33. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    There's a Linux penguin, a fanboi, and a Windows luser in a plane

    and the pilot says, "We're carrying too much weight, one of you has got to go".

    The fanboi says, "Well, I can't jump because it's not supported. But Apple have got this brilliant other thing called LeapyBounceBounce which only costs $8.95 and does everything that jumping can do, but better. That said I think I need the next version of the iThingy to make it work".

    The Linux pengiun says, "Well I can't jump because I can't decide which is the best way to do it. There's a package for it, but someone's done a module which needs some tweaking and it'll take twenty-five minutes to compile. Mind you I'll need to update libjump.so for this release. I might see if there's an emacs version while I wait."

    The Windows luser says, "I'll jump". "What?", exclaim the others, "You'll be killed!". "Yeah", he replies, "but for fuck's sake at least I'll have some peace and quiet".

  34. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Fanboistastic

    ... because I've dedicated my liver to Steve Jobs and the impact will squish it!!!!

  35. Richard Bedford
    Joke

    Here's my effort - probably won't be the first

    Because..... if I stay on board and power up my Mac, it never crashes so we'll be ok. For gawds sake dump the Windoze bloke or we're doomed!

    Ok - predictable and not so funny....

  36. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Fanboisadoodledo

    ... because I am part of the new 1000 year reich, heil Jobs, heil Jobs!

  37. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Fanboistastic

    ... because in my next revision I may actually be usable rather than just pretty!

  38. Flybert

    not a fanboi

    There's a Linux penguin, a fanboi, and a Windows luser in a plane, and the pilot says, we're carrying too much weight, one of you has got to go, and the fanboi says, well, I can't jump because...

    ... I'd crush my Apples™ ...

  39. Dante

    because

    jumping has not been approved

    1. Danington the Third
      Heart

      well done sir

      allow me to congratulate you once the tears have been wiped from my eyes.

    2. Trevor Pott o_O Gold badge

      and/or

      jumping has been rejected.

  40. P 4

    existance

    There's a Linux penguin, a fanboi, and a Windows luser in a plane, and the pilot says, we're carrying too much weight, one of you has got to go, and the fanboi says, well, I can't jump because...

    "... Life without Windows is like Penguins without ice."

  41. Nexox Enigma

    nut job...

    Did el reg ever suggest that only fanboys use Apple products? I just figured that Apple users that aren't fanboys would assume the reg wasn't referring to them, and move on. I'm not offended by the term, and I have one of these fancy new unibody macbook pros that everyone seems to like.

    Of course it's for work, and I didn't have any say in the purchasing decision. I personally find it to be heavy and somewhat annoying, but whatever floats (sinks) your boat, I guess.

  42. bexley

    "There's a Linux penguin, a fanboi, and a Windows luser in a plane...

    Windows luser "i cant do it, we dont have the time or money to pay for the software i'd need to perform this most basic task, when trying out some 3rd party app's for this in the past i picked up a few viruses and for some reason my browsers home page is now Mr lawrence Balthasar's Friendly and honest bank in Ghana"

    Linux Penguin says "Fuck it, i'll do it if means i dont have to listen to this shit anymore, he tries to step forwards to the hatch and end's up going backwards, then he tries to walk around the windows luser and moves in the opposite direction. Try as he might he cant repeat the same thing twice and eventually sit's back down with his head in his hands to wait for the next update

    The Mac meanwhile has noticed none of this and is still absorbed by his image in the mirror.

    Windows luse looks at Penguin, in the blink of an eye they both realise which of the three the world could live without, the corporations and slaves that have to use windows and the server market will be safe as they kosh the fanboi over the head and stuff him out the hatch.

  43. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I can't jump because. . .

    . . . my iSlave EULA specifically states that I can only jump out of planes owned and operated by Apple, and that if the time comes for me to make the ultimate sacrifice, I will be personally notified by the Supreme Apple Being using approved H.264 video on my iDeviceOfChoice.

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