back to article DIMENSIONAL PORTAL INCURSION AT THE LHC!

In shock news, it has emerged that recent record-breaking increases in particle ring energy achieved at the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) - the most powerful atomsmasher ever assembled by the human race - have caused a hyperdimensional portal leading to an inhabited parallel universe to open up deep beneath Switzerland, in what …

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  1. shmirsh
    Go

    I for one...

    welcome the arrival of our 5th dimensional overlords

  2. The Original Ash
    Alien

    OH EMM JEE EN OH EE ESS Exclaimation

    We've already had the Google People Ad's story, which is OBVIOUSLY false, so this MUST BE REAL!

    Quick! Begin end-of-life-as-we-know-it copulation with random women, before it's too late! (As is every nerd's Apocalypse fantasy).

  3. Vladimir Plouzhnikov

    My crowbar is ready

    And I await, holding my breath, for an opportunity to pry a real working pulse rifle from a Combine soldier's dead fingers.

  4. AbnormalChunks
    Joke

    I for one...

    welcome the fact that it's 01/04/10!

  5. Jason 24
    Thumb Up

    Very good!

    Almost believable until the last few paragraphs!

  6. Secretgeek
    Alien

    AAAAAAaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I'm working in an office - where the fuck am i supposed to get a crowbar from?

  7. Adam Salisbury
    Joke

    Aaaargh I knew it!! The tinfoilers were right!!!!

    Cyanide pill......check

    Towell................check

    Lobo..................check

    HEV suit............check

    Bring it oooowwwwnnn!!!!

  8. GrahamT
    Happy

    I wondered when this would happen

    May I be the one hundred and first person to welcome our pan-dimensional poisson d'avril masters.

  9. Paul M 1

    Wasn't this from a short story by...

    H. P. Lovecraft?

  10. HaplessPoet
    Thumb Up

    Nice try, but no Cigar

    The post is required, and must contain letters.

  11. Mr Microsoft
    Gates Halo

    Must have been running Linux!.

    I blame Mr Gordon!

    1. Ian Stephenson Silver badge
      Grenade

      Improvise...

      Go with the fire axe.

      1. ravenviz Silver badge
        Coat

        Re: improvise

        Don't be ridiculous, I'd have to submit a safety non-conformance report. We audit fires here and submit the results to a committee before they can be tackled. Difficult on a bank haoliday weekend.

    2. Baskitcaise
      Alien

      Wasn't this from a short story by...

      I thought it was L Ron Hubbard ?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        L. Ron Hubcap

        never wrote a word of fiction!

  12. sT0rNG b4R3 duRiD
    Joke

    DW...

    Grey Knights already been there and gone.

    LHC now offline and stupid boffins causing the rift terminated.

    They coming for you next for such a lame prank.

  13. Nick Ryan Silver badge
    FAIL

    FAIL...

    FAIL.... and you know why I *know* this is a fake story? There's no mention of collaptic im/explosions and therefore it's obviously a total fake.

    Next time get your facts (and terminology) correct Mr Page - your reputation as a world class reporter on high level physics will suffer otherwise.

  14. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge
    Happy

    Thanks for the Tale, Lewis, ...

    "It is thought that members of the elite Swiss police "Stern" tactical unit descended into the underground complex housing the ATLAS experiment early this morning, and have not returned." ..... Oops :-) ...... Anyone got a Rabbit Wormhole Map?

  15. ndf9876

    Gordon Freeman....

    ...is on standby with his crowbar in case of any further issues.

  16. Simon Woodworth
    Boffin

    Stargate?

    Did Rodney McKay step through?

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Black Helicopters

    CERN forces? Pah!

    Shouldn't they be calling UNIT led by Capt'n. Jack to deal with the monsters from the Id?

    CERN?? Amateurs!! I might just as well adopt the brace position and rely on the 4000 holes in Blackburn to deflect the reverse polarity of the neutron flow, until our pan-dimensional overlords reach Lancashire.

  18. Nigel 11
    Black Helicopters

    Prediction

    the DA-notice will be responded to by takedown of this article at 20100401 12:00:00.01

  19. Sacha TF Padovani
    Pint

    you tossers

    you've gone a bit overboard with this one

    have a happy day

    :))

    btw: been following the LHC lately: last night they managed some more collisions. Looks like Beam 2 is always acting funny.

  20. Daniel 1

    "Gordon Freeman... It IS you isn't it?"

    "Yes, how did you guess?"

    "Well, it could be the hazmat suit... but personally, I was tipped off by the fact that you were carrying a rocket launcher; a machine gun; two pistols; a nuclear-powered-vacuum-cleaner thing; a satchel of laser mines, grenades and high explosives, and a living-alien-claw that shoots bugs... Are you here to help the Horde? - No wait! Wrong game!"

  21. MrWugga
    Black Helicopters

    What would Gordon do?

    I'm just glad I stocked up on crowbars and EVC suits yesterday.

  22. Brutus
    Grenade

    Damn you, Lewis!

    I was really hoping that the supersymmetry bit was true.

    So, anyway, are we talking headcrabs here, or Cacodaemons?

    Grenade, for obvious reasons.

  23. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    That's the obvious one out of the way

    Now to catch the more plausible ones.

  24. Christopher Rogers
    FAIL

    I shouldn't be saying this

    But the President has summoned me directly. Thank God Will Smith is back onside. We'll need him for the next couple of Independance Days.

  25. Chris 67
    Thumb Up

    With my brains and your brawn we'll make an excellent team

    I laughed. Very good :)

  26. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    Portal or mirror

    If it was a super symmetry event or mirror could this mean that 'those' (or is it us) on the other side are preparing a response the same as ours.

    I am writing the same article simultaneously? or is it you?

    Trams-R-us

  27. Evil Graham

    I'm sceptical

    There are all sorts of hoaxes going around today for some reason. I think we need some kind of Playmobil-based proof.

  28. adrianww
    Go

    Obvious question...

    ...is Gordon still in there?

  29. Atonnis
    Happy

    Not bad - a little wildly over the top...

    It contains just enough eye-glazing information to numb the brain and a recent topic with plenty of controversy to get the nutjobs foaming at the mouth.

    I'm still watching out for the believable AFD story though...

  30. Zimmer
    Happy

    ......mm... pizza...

    Be thankful this can only happen once a year........ (is there a pizza delivery waiting at the portal....) :)

  31. KCM
    Stop

    Are we sure....

    ... that the LHC isn't a part of the Black Mesa or Aperture Science operations?

    In which case.. will there be cake?

  32. Peter Gathercole Silver badge
    FAIL

    Yawn. Pinch, Punch etc.

    Lewis,

    we've all been playing Half Life, and quipping about the LHC for too long for this to be remotely regarded as amusing

  33. Rob Quinn
    Grenade

    Now where did I put that....

    Crowbars at the ready guys, it won't be long before the Xen hoards break through the insufficiant human special forces and the geeks will have to mop up the mess with a handy stick of metal and a zero point energy field manipulator.

    Grenade for obvious reasons.

  34. Anonymous Coward
    Alert

    OMFG!!!

    Send for SG-1

  35. Anonymous Coward
    Alien

    Doom or Stargate?

    The image used looks a lot like stargate but your story comes straight outta Deimos and Phobos.

  36. LAGMonkey
    Alert

    where is my crowbar!

    oh god! i didnt wear enough tinfoil im sure of it.

    Dr Dark Energy, your the only one who could save us but arnt the gov'munt going to shut down el'Reg for posting such an important story?

  37. stuartrc
    Happy

    blah

    I have been waiting for this all morning - thanks Lewis

  38. Blue eyed boy
    Thumb Up

    A full-power blast of

    anti helium-4+2lambda atoms borrowed from RHIC - see http://www.theregister.co.uk/2010/03/05/negative_strangeness/ - should see the extradimensional invaders off

  39. Chemist
    Joke

    Are you Dan Brown ?

    No further comment

  40. Pantelis
    Thumb Up

    About time

    I welcome our new transdimensional overlords...they cannot possibly do a worse job than what we have now anyway and they are fresh!

  41. Ian Halstead
    Black Helicopters

    This 2m blue door...

    My Great Uncle lost a 2m peacock blue circular door when serving on USS Eldridge in 1943. I'm putting a claim in.

  42. Pegsta
    Grenade

    It's all been training.. till now

    I've got me an Orange suit and a crowbar... Let me at em....

  43. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    Guess...

    that means the Carbon Freezing device I bought off Firebox won't be coming anytime soon then!

  44. Sorry that handle is already taken. Silver badge
    Welcome

    Freeman!

    *shakes fist*

  45. Anonymous Coward
    Black Helicopters

    OH NO!

    Anyone know what the HALF-LIFE of one of these is? How long will it last?

  46. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    No Reg No!

    You shouldn't publish news like this on April 1st, some people might think it's an April Fool

    I for one welcome our new inter-dimensional overlords

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