"I wonder if you will still be laughing when"
You seem to be unclear on the concept that "hack" means "understanding the issue at hand" ... mostly brought about by the concept that 2a+2b=4 ... when 2a comes from one field, and 2b comes from another ... and 4 is 4, all by itself.
"- your refrigerator will have DRMs which will not allow you to store red meat (unhealthy) or tomatoes from your local grocer (not "fairtrade" - i.e. not coming from Tesco),"
I don't store red meat in the fridge or freezer. I dry-age it in my meat locker. Nor do I refrigerate tomatoes, refrigeration kills the flavor (unless you cook the tomatoes first ...).
"- your electric tea pot's DRM will only let you boil the water twice a day (to save the planet, Greenies make a lot of campaign contributions, you know),"
I have a pot to boil water in. I have a gas ring (eight, actually, if you include the 85,000 BTU wok station). Gas is cheaper than electricity, per BTU. Why would I use electricity to boil water?
"- your door lock will have DRM asking your bank whether to let you in (or out) or not (you've accepted that discounted mortgage offer, haven't you?)"
Unlikely. I install all my own door locks ... and I can pick yours ... Picking locks is a useful skill, occasionally. It's only illegal if the intent is illegal.
"- your TV will phone the police every time you try to watch an unapproved channel."
If it's unapproved, it won't be available. And I don't connect the 'phone line to my TV. For that matter, I don't watch TV ... it's a vast wasteland that I see no use in pursuing ...
"That's not to say about your phone that will log every instance of you saying a politically proscribed word and report it to Google and the Ministry of Truth."
Might happen. Not here yet ... I'm not going to loose any sleep over this option any time soon.
"You will then beg these "5-year olds" to come and hack your equipment for you. And you will not even ask them to find a use for that hack first."
Nah. I can take care of my own ... and I doubt they can pick my door locks. Lack of basics does not a good education make.