back to article BOFH: Made of win

“We should enter one of those Innovation in IT awards!” the Boss burbles one day, sidling up to the PFY and myself in a pseudo-ingratiating manner. “We should what now?” the PFY asks. “IT awards. We should enter one – it’s a great way of raising the company’s profile.” “Oh, the company’s going to some awards?” I ask. “No …

COMMENTS

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  1. Simon Robinson
    Unhappy

    Just what I needed

    ...to get through a 14 hour day at work, stuck here until 9.30 for the second day in a row. Do I get an award for "most excessive reduction of personal time to accomodate additional workload unrelated to job description"?

  2. Fluffykins Silver badge

    What?!?!

    SHARE the awards (And beer) with THE BOSS?

    What happened to KZRRRRRRRRT!

    What happened to the Tape Safe?

    What happened to the inconveniently missing guardrail?

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Down

    but but but....

    No-one dies??

  4. Ron1
    Thumb Up

    Just in time

    for coffee...

    another great BOFH :-)

    1. A. Coatsworth
      Pint

      Machiavelli

      Of course! they were using the boss as a mean for their end: getting booze for free.

      No doubt once the boss stops being useful, he will meet the BOfH's old friends: shovel, floor carpet and compost bin (hopefully, in that order)

    2. Snafu 2

      Who said anything about sharing?

      Boss on podium, PFY & BOFH in (free) bar - what could be better?

  5. Greg J Preece

    Like it!

    Love the line about the wheel. I shall have to steal it and use it in situations that do not involve anyone named Travaglia.

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Pint

    The Wheel = PBG

    “Refabricate a friction reducing rotary transportation instrument using the algebraic equation x squared + y squared equals radius...”

    PBG = Pure Bl**dy Genius ..

    Thanks Simon.... another line to remember.. and use..

    And now I think its Beer O´clock ....

  7. Il Midga di Macaroni
    Pint

    Perfectly in character

    The boss's consciousness was necessary to get at the lager. The Dynamic Duo aren't automatons that kill everything in sight, they have GOALS in mind. One of those goals is beer. And if they don't have to pay for it, so much the better.

    Thanks Simon. I *really* needed a BOFH episode today.

    1. Darkside

      Beer

      Beer isn't a GOAL or even a goal, it's a resource.

      Beer the currency for debts that mere money can't settle.

      Beer the tranquilliser

      Beer the emotional crutch for those who can't socialise when sober

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    I'd nick the wheel bit but

    I doubt anyone round here would get it.

  9. Stu Pid
    Thumb Up

    HAHA

    Beyond 2000! Ah, the poor man's Tomorrow's World. How I remember it well.

  10. Nic Brough 1
    Happy

    @Fluffykins

    >Fluffykins

    >What?!?! #

    >SHARE the awards (And beer) with THE BOSS?

    Absolutely - the Boss is very handy to push into the path of incoming half-cut congratulatory weasels that always crop up at these ceremonies. Leaving you free to chat up their escorts. Also, a good BofH doesn't show up on film, just in case it might be "evidence". It's good to have a boss to hide behind when the cameras come out.

    Let the boss have his limelight, and empty his wallet at the bar, there's always the journey home over the Clifton Suspension Bridge, and that limo door looks a bit loose...

  11. Tony Barnes
    Thumb Up

    Ow it hurts...

    Having done some weight training for the first time in years the other day, I have been wandering around with quite annoyingly severe muscle soreness.

    Chuckling away to this episode has literally got my sides aching!!

    Top job!

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    Kinda disappointing

    Noone got zapped, locked in tape safe, fell through floor tiles, tripped down stairs (maybe have this occur when boss given last award), server rack fell on, or thrown into a bin from the roof.

    Wait weeks for new articles, and noone dies?

    Really disappointing after having to deal with the unwashed masses over a graveyard shift.

    Paris, as a night with her allways ends in a "happy ending".

    1. Rebecca Putman
      Joke

      Serious serial killers...

      ...never kill indiscriminately. They are careful, methodical, and leave no evidence. Gratuitious killing is for amateurs.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Happy

        @Rebecca Putman - Gratuitous

        There's nothing gratuitous about removing a PHB.

  13. Duckorange

    As a former national awards judge

    It is my sad duty to report that these things aren't as straightforward as BofH thinks.

    In short: All the judges get together for a meeting, then the sponsors decide who wins. THE END.

  14. Cantankerous Old Buzzard
    Pint

    Beer -- resource or goal ??

    I suspect some clarification is needed here.

    Beer is a resource.

    FREE beer is an always-active goal ( or target, if you prefer ) of any self-respecting BOFH.

    1. weeksben1

      Free Beer

      I'd wouldn't limit myself to just free BEER, I'd try to get (almost) anything for free, (legally).

  15. Jesthar
    Badgers

    Oh, this is *SO* true - thanks, Simon!

    We've just replaced an old but working VERY business critical mapping system at my place of work with a newly developed, heavily customised program which doesn't work properly. takes ten times the hours and manpower to do some key tasks, cost over a million pounds and *may* be fixed (at more expense) 'some time in the future'. Whereas we *COULD* have spend under £250k for an off the shelf, configurable package (which the rest of our indutry already uses), including unlimited licenses and all the bells and whistles that would automate most of the critical stuff we do.

    Naturally, the brass (who naturally have no cause to use it themselves) think it's the bees knees, and recently we got a senior management propaganda e-mail round proudly trumpeting that this pathetic excuse for a program had been nominated for an IT award. You could actually track the progress of the e-mail's opening around the office by the disbelieving laughter...

    And don't get me started on our new 'this will solve all our IT problems' implementation of SAP...

    Badgers, cos they know more about IT than anyone running it in our company!

  16. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge
    Pirate

    Upping the Ante

    "“And the award,” our pimped-up celebrity pipes, “for enhanced collaborative virtual private networking in an out-of-hours time window between an awards event organiser and event nominee...”

    “Breaking into the awards organisers computer network and replacing the winners with us...” the PFY murmurs."

    An El Reg Current Work in Future Progress?

  17. Dave Bell

    Soon to be ex-boss

    And the wording of the anouncement of the last award is going to sink in, and the Boss, having horribly embarrassed the company by cheating, becomes an ex-Boss.

    BofH and PFY have had their party, and can mutter sorrowfully about how he had been a competent and knowledgeable Boss, and a pleasure to work with, and how could they have known? And only a lunatic would do such a thing.

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Boffin

    Maths Skills

    A combination of a very long day and hangover are confusing me today

    Can someone explain the "x squared + y squared equals radius...” bit please?

    (Anonymous to hide my stupidity from the world)

    1. John Robson Silver badge
      Boffin

      it's

      The formula for the locus of a circle centered on the origin (or will be when the radius is squared too)

      Basically - draw this graph and you've drawn a circle.

  19. Adrian Esdaile
    Coffee/keyboard

    coffee, meet keyboard

    "log-based carbon emissions paperwork" - priceless. I'm writing that one down.

    1. Edward Noad

      Soooo glad...

      ...I'd swallowed my tea and put my mug down when I read that line, or I'd be buying my better half another new laptop by now...

  20. Christopher.
    Thumb Up

    Beyond 2000

    "Half the people that judge these IT awards have back episodes of Beyond 2000 on Beta tape behind the couch."

    Utter genius.

  21. sT0rNG b4R3 duRiD
    Thumb Up

    You know you're a really sad ol' git

    ...if you can recall Beyond 2000...

    Good one.

    1. LaeMi Qian

      I can recall

      TOWARDS 2000, its public-TV predecessor of the 80's (in this country at least).

      Kids today. Sheesh.

  22. Lost in a maze of twisty messages, all alike.

    Re: Soon to be ex-boss

    I thought the BOFH was going soft right up to the last sentence ...

  23. mittfh
    Pirate

    Darwin

    Watch out for the episode where the Boss wins the award for causing a great service to humankind by unintentionally removing himself from the gene pool before he has had a chance to reproduce, courtesy of an act of unimaginable stupidity.

    In other words, the BOFH and PFY dispose of him, then seed the websites of various news outlets with details of his tragic "death by misadventure" (as the Coroner would report it). Needless to say, the BOFH and PFY have a cast iron alibi for being in a completely different town on the day, as verified by numerous computer records and CCTV footage (it's amazing what you can do with video editing software these days...)

  24. eJ2095
    Happy

    @Jesthar

    Its not called Seibel 8 by n e chance lol... Or Sandwell SBS rofl

  25. Anonymous Coward
    Linux

    Beyond 2000?

    Wow, that's so 80s. Thanks for bringing up the memories <g>

    Tux. Because I don't recall that Linux has ever been mentioned on the show.

  26. ElReg!comments!Pierre Silver badge

    Legendary

    Only lacks a few technical details... is someone getting old? Pah. Nevermind, nothing (and noone) beats the good old BOFH!

  27. Anonymous Coward
    Pint

    Is there any other reason to read El Reg?

    I thought not.

  28. TSM
    Alert

    Beyond 2000

    I remember watching it when it was called Towards 2000...

    1. TenDollarMan
      Thumb Up

      Towards 2000

      Came here to say this.

      Left satisfied.

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