back to article Playboy TV offers 'Jacq off' special package

The ultimate demotion of Home Secretary Jacqui Smith, from grim-faced scourge of individual liberty to national joke, came one step closer last night with the launch of Playboy TV’s Jacqui Smith VIP package. Responding to the press furore over the nocturnal viewing habits of Jacqui Smith’s little helper, Richard Timney, they …


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  1. Ad Fundum

    Scat + BDSM seems most likely

    I don't know the titles but I believe one 'additional feature' was scat-related, whilst the other was a BDSM title.

    Which makes sense when you think about it; as Home Secretary, Smith has been shitting on us all for years whilst trying to shove a ball gag in our mouths at the same time.

    Please sign the petition:

  2. Eponymous Cowherd
    Thumb Up

    Top class.

    ***"The ultimate demotion of Home Secretary Jacqui Smith, from grim-faced scourge of individual liberty to national joke"***

    Brilliant, John! Pure class.

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Down

    You must be JOKING

    if you think that a little humiliation like this will make any of the current load of parasites leave the trough.

    The only way to get rid of WJ is to drag her (screaming) from the building.

  4. Liam Johnson


    Couldn't have happend to a nicer person.

    Frowning icon because I am "at work" and should not really be rolling on the foor at all.

  5. Chief Engineer
    Paris Hilton


    Pure Genius

  6. Julian I-Do-Stuff

    You owe me a coffee...

    "is* Mr Timney prepared to come clean..." [*shurely past tense required?]

    Anyway, having wiped the coffee off the keyboard and screen...

    lest Mr T, having been exposed...

    ... to the corrupting influence of that sort of thing should succumb (fnarr, fnarr) to its pernicious influence, isn't some Re-Educashun in order? Strict re-educashun... please mistress?

    Or is it all dirty-water-under-the-bridge* now?

    *Troll porn

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    Sex changes too?

    "his is an odd observation to make in a week when the arrangements of other well-known female MP’s, most notably Tony McNulty and Harry Cohen"

    Am I missing something here?

  8. David Adams

    But seriously...

    ... where do I send the money to.

    I'm happy to pay for this poor man's Pr0n.

    As Wacky Jacqui is so puritanical they obviously won't have sex, ever, so there is no-one in this country who can demonstrate a greater need for some quality "Me Time".

  9. Anonymous Coward


    ... the rest of the cabinet can be seen on Bravo at 10:00 is "The World's Greatest Disasters"

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    The Sexism Card

    "In interviews since, Jacqui Smith has attempted to play the sexism card: people are only focussing on her and her home arrangements because she is a woman."

    Any links to such interviews, please?

  11. Martin Lyne


    Have they done a study on the usage of porn related to being married to a haggard, domineering, privacy-hating beast?

    The downfall, so sweet to watch. Holier-than-thou public servants - never ends well.. for them, anyway.

  12. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

    Re: Scat + BDSM seems most likely

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward


    everyone has teen offerings, becouse everyone wants to be an 18 year old stud ramming delicious school girls. Sadly in the real world we are anything but 18 year old studs, and we are most certainly never going to be ramming anything delicious, except maybe and pie.

    Remember the hurrar over the school girl image being used to sell something or other in a paper not so long back.

    Oh well, I love our puritain ministers, I thought we'd got rid of them a while ago after they banned music and dancing (that'll be on the agenda sooner or later - music and dancing making people misbehave...)

    I was thinking the other day, about how getting put on the sex offenders register basically invalidates the rest of your life. Wonder why so few of them decide to take up serial murder to pick up the slack, can't get a decent job, can't travel abroad, run the risk of being ran out of your home, treated like a monster, may aswell become a monster right? Where would all the "but we do it to protect the children" types be after some guy/girl murdered and dismembered 50 people at random over the course of a few months, becouse their lives were over thanks to modern justice?

    Anyway back on point - lol, the more lulz the better, we don't get much opportunity to do that anymore.

  14. Big Bear

    I'm DISGUSTED with PlayBoy

    Consarnit!! More Government corruption and pork! Why should they get cheap pr0n, paid for eventually by the public purse that pays their wages (assuming they don’t fob it off as another expense) when I have to pay my hard earned, halved after tax dough into providing my own cheap and nasty viewing pleasure????


    Seriously annoyed with PlayBoy now… off to rejoin the world of Hustler… it’s like Apple vs MS, but just bouncier…

    Where's the Evil Heff icon?

  15. Anonymous Coward

    Liquid assets

    As a potential offender, has Jacqui's husband deposited a sample of his DNA in her 'database'? Or did he just blow off at the media? Perhaps after the expense row, she could do with a swift transfer of liquid assets.

    There's more where that came from.

    Etc... etc...

  16. Mr Ropey
    Gates Horns

    Wackoff Jacqui package?

    So our so-called over worked MPs and their staff may now have the opportunity to indulge in some "educational adult films" to help them unwind for a reasonable rate? Does this mean there may be fewer complaints about expenses abuse?

    Paris, becuase she may help our parliamanterians de-stress!

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Black Helicopters


    The article could only be Rated: Oh Orgasmic!

    But not for you jacqui, not for you ! Nothing to Hide ?

    Never mind, you could always turn to the "weed".

    /Black Helicopters coz i doubt she would be impressed to read the comments coming her way.

    /OT, seeing as Nu Lab are hell bent on incorporating themselves into our daily lives, when will the Reg be implementing a daily mail shot of readers comments to our leaders to save them from the EU with regards to Deep Packet Inspection.

  18. Anonymous Coward


    Oh the irony, hahahahahahahahahahahaha

  19. Pete Silver badge

    dose of her own medicine

    Let's talk about surveillance. Given that the urban population of the UK is under nearly constant scrutiny from the moment they leave the safety of their own homes and the CCTV cameras zoom in on them, like vultures watching a dying cow. it's nice to see that our wacky friend, who's department is responsible for prying into all our private lives, gets some intrusion into her own private life. I wonder if she'll ever make the connection between the way we all get hacked off when observed and the way she feels when the spotlight is turned on her.

    Maybe what we need is a little more investigation in to the private goings-on of our politicians. How about starting by publishing, in the original unexpurgated form, all their expenses submissions. We could continue with websites listing every trip they make - whether it's to their constituency, the kebab shop (complete with armed guard), or a late night tryst. Finally we could put all their phone conversations on youtube, so that we can really get to know them and maybe vote on them, too.. Afterall if we're paying for all these things through their limitless expense accounts, isn't it just fair and proper that we can see where our money's going. You never know, it might even cut down some of the more blatant abuses.

  20. Anonymous Coward

    Rulebook of the Britards

    Don't get too excited, everyone. The rulebook of British government is that despite egregious betrayal of the public good in the name of security or morality, the downfall of our public servants never actually occurs in connection with any judgement of their actions - instead, a little scandal of peripheral interest is whipped up to embarrass and ultimately "disgrace" whichever interchangeable cabinet minister or MP it is that is struggling with the PR offensive necessary to push through whatever unpalatable measures are on the government agenda.

    Of course, the tabloid-reading Britards love their "sex scandals" and may even muster views about some supposed hypocrisy, but there was never any chance of having, say, Tony Blair removed from power and prosecuted - at best, the rulebook states that a financial impropriety or dodgy liaison would have brought about any premature downfall. If Gordo has to step down, it'll be about his profile or "public confidence" in him, with a little scandal might help him go: maybe he didn't get his planning permission for a shed back in 1982, or something equally banal.

    Pay attention Britards: the replacement for this interchangeable figure will be pushing the same agenda. Will you be too busy celebrating a false victory to even notice?

  21. Tony


    They make flavoured porn now? Why was I not told about this revolutionary breakthough??

    Or was this some racial comment? (Vanilla as opposed to chocolate?)

  22. Andy ORourke

    @ Chris Monteiro

    "his is an odd observation to make in a week when the arrangements of other well-known female MP’s, most notably Tony McNulty and Harry Cohen"

    Am I missing something here?

    Yes, Should have read:

    <sarcasm>"his is an odd observation to make in a week when the arrangements of other well-known female MP’s, most notably Tony McNulty and Harry Cohen"</sarcasm>

  23. Anonymous Coward

    We couldn't find that petition |

    We're not sure which petition you're looking for. Please try the following:

    * If you typed in the location, check it carefully and try typing it again.

    * Look for the petition on the list of all petitions.

  24. Anonymous Coward


    I dont care if he was watching High School Musical - the fact is the Home Secretary has once again been caught red-handed fiddling her expenses.

  25. Mad Mike

    'Jacq off' special

    What is playboy implying?

    Is it suggesting, with some sort of inside knowledge, that Jacqui also uses the same services as her husband?

    Or, is this a special channel featuring only Jacqui for others to 'jacq off' to?

    Off to sit down now.................................I suddenly feel rather faint, dirty and in need of someone to talk to.

  26. Anonymous Coward

    Here's what really happened....

    Ms Smith was out somewhere (or staying at her sisters...). Mr Smith (or whatever his stagename is ??) decides to "pop out" for the evening playing "mums and dads" somewhere else. The protection boys guarding the house decide it will be a wheeze to watch a couple of adult orientated promotions in order to stay awake......Mr Smith gets back, realises what has happened, and in order to protect his "popping out" decides its easier to cough watching pr0n than having to face the Mrs......about where he has been. You couldn't make it up...

  27. John Ozimek
    Paris Hilton

    The sexism card

    I knew I wasn't imagining it...but for a moment could not remember where I found it. Last week, in an interview in the Telegraph and speaking about her expenses, Jacqui Smith is reported as saying:

    "She is clear that she will be fully exonerated, hinting that she thinks a male home secretary would not have been questioned for opting to live away from a young family for much of the week."

    Full interview at:

    Oh - and for those questioning my description of Tony McNulty and Harry Cohen as, that's irony, that is. Or sarcasm. Or some sort of literary device. I know we're not supposed to use literary devices. My apologies.

    Paris. Cause she's not allowed to use literary devices either.

  28. George

    George Likes This

    I think this is great sport, and I love the way politicians are so emboldened now by all the laws they have created for themselves that there is no question of her resigning or Gordon Brown sacking her. He is standing by her and making himself look like a twonk.

    At least in Major's day they resigned eventually.

    Imagine going to a meeting yesterday knowing that your bosses husband watches porn and you have proof, now that would be a meeting, you could pretend it never happened or just about about him and smirk. Now imagine it for a really very important job and somebody who represents our country...oh dear. Lets hope nobody important is coming to town this week for important meetings.......oh dear.

  29. This post has been deleted by its author

  30. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton


    I still haven't stopped laughing at this.

    Couldn't have happened to a worse person.


    Politician above the law



    Smoke and Mirrors


    This story's got the lot and the arrogant scum still won't resign!

    That is by far the biggest problem with this government's corruption; they take no personal responsibility for their actions - but are happy to spy on all of our actions (for our own good, of course)...

    I do hope this story never goes away.

  31. Markie Dussard
    Thumb Up

    @Rulebook of the Britards

    Hear, hear!

    As a Britard myself, I can't help wondering why we reduce such an important political revelation to such sniggering crap about what movies were watched.

    That's not the real issue. The real issue is the arrogance underpinning all these corrupt behaviours (whether by Wacqui, McNutty or whoever). They seriously believe that this is acceptable behaviour and that the tax-payer doesn't need to know about these systematic abuses - on the grounds of national security, I believe. The tax-payer is a lesser being. How does it feel to have the scales pulled from your eyes, cash cows? That's all we're worth to these people - whatever their political stripe. Vote up, pay up and shut the fuck up!

  32. Prag Fest


    Will you guys leave it out, don't you realise 'she's doing a great job'.

  33. Jonathan

    @David Adams


    Lets start a chartiy pot to pay for Wacky Jacky's husband to be able to watch some good porn. If his wife is too strict to pay for it, or get the taxpayers to pay for it, I think its only right we step in and help a fella in need.

    Besides, he married her, he needs all the help he can get.

  34. Anonymous Coward

    Vanilla sex? Fnarr! Fnarr!

    ...requires a confident grip and some dextrous licking to avoid drips, trying not to get your fingers sticky before a quick nibble on the chocolate bits. Dont get the nuts stuck in your teeth.

    Then you bite the bottom off and suck for all you are worth. Finish with lots of tissues. If you're with your mum, she will most likely spit on them first.


    The dirty brown mac, please.

    In the words of Lee Marvin, "Oh, the shame of it all!"

  35. Juillen


    Can be truly entertaining for onlookers..

    For almost anybody else (can you imagine trying to embarass Boris with this?), there'd be a sheepish apology about it being an oversight in the complexity of keeping things in place, and people would have passed on a good natured ribbing and forgotten about it (well, all the sane ones anyway).

    But for Wacky Jackie, the Puritan Princess..

    Dear lord, Laruel and Hardy couldn't have beaten the comedy value from this.

    Incidentally, when do her rebuttals appear on the Comedy Channel?

    Mine's the one with the wallet in the pocket to help out with the cable bills to show my appreciation of the entertainment value.. Long may it last!

  36. EdwardP

    Mod parent up...

    @Rulebook of the Britards: Nailed it.

    Now, lets make an issue of this...

  37. Alistair
    Paris Hilton

    I think its fine

    As long as he has to pay tax and NI contributions on his masturbatory material.

  38. Anonymous Coward

    Re: Scat + BDSM seems most likely - WRONG PETITION!


    The petition referred to in the very first comment is one that criticises Jacqui Smith for not doing enough to support the police:

    "Jacqui Smith has overseen the most destructive period of activity by this government on the moral of the various British Police Forces and should be sacked and replaced by someone who actually understands how important the police are for the safe operation of a society."

    Do you really want to help Jacqui Smith claim that the public demand she do even more in her efforts to build a police state?

    A better petition could have been this one:

    "Since taking the post of Home Secretary we, the public, having become increasingly alarmed at her inordinately extreme actions with regard to various events. The latest being to question the European Courts' decision to castigate the UK government for the illegal retention of DNA samples of non-offenders. It is to be hoped that the government can find someone of less Stalinist conviction."

    But it was rejected, on the grounds that "It was similar to and/or overlaps with an existing petition or petitions". The site then refers to the first petition - even though it's almost a petition for the opposite! It's as if you're supposed to petition for more of a police state, rather than less of it.

  39. Mike Shepherd

    "Vanilla" ???

    I assume this means missionary position only and "in the context of a loving relationship".

    This isn't like the porn I've seen ^H^H^H^H^H been told about.

  40. Dark Ian

    I agree with Ms Bee

    (hey that rhymed!)

    Those Gov petitions are just a ruse. They make web clowns think they're being listened to. After the service went live (they probably used the term 'rolled out') they were popping up everywhere for everything.

    Waste of time.

  41. Sentry23

    On Vanilla...

    Interesting for the Home Office to use the term 'Vanilla', since this word is mainly used in the BDSM scene to indicate 'plain (boring)' sex.

  42. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    @ John Ozimek, Re: The sexism card

    Thanks for the link!

  43. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    'Jacq off'

    I love it. I'll buy the T-shirt. Let the chant reverberate across the rooftops of Old London Town this week:


    ...OFF OFF OFF!


  44. Eponymous Cowherd
    Paris Hilton

    Re: Britards

    I am, for one, hoping that Brown keeps the current sorry, pathetic bunch of Ministards until the next election.

    Best way of ensuring a Labour defeat.

    Paris. Smarter than your average MP.

  45. George

    You know the internet petition thing is rubbish...

    ...when the first big one on fuel was met by the response "We are listening to you but I have decided to ignore you like the other partitions I receive. Thank. Tony"

  46. Dave


    Actually, the comments seem to indicate that it was Mr Smith himself who used that phrase, thereby strongly suggesting that he is familiar with the terminology of BDSM, if nothing more...

  47. Graham Marsden
    Paris Hilton


    ... Wacky (whack off?) Jacqui and her friends want to control everything we do and see and read and download.

    Given that it's now clear she can't even control what goes on in her own home, perhaps she'll learn to mind her own business and get out of *our* bedrooms?!

    Of course, as the AC in the "Britards" post points out, even if she is replaced it will no doubt be a case of "here comes the new boss, same as the old boss"

  48. This post has been deleted by its author

  49. Gianni Straniero


    It's difficult to strike the right balance here. On the one hand, given Smith's puritanism, it seems "in the public interest" to know what kind of porn Timney was watching.

    On the other, the basis of all objections to the Home Secretary's ongoing War on Porno, including The Register's, is "what people do behind closed doors" etc. Ergo we should leave him alone.

    Smith's transformation from "grim-faced scourge of individual liberty to national joke" is not particularly unusual. It's a job that invites precisely this transformation, with the added proviso that the incumbent is usually considered a capable individual before they take the reins.

    It's instructive to consider the list of the past few Home Secretaries: Howard, Straw, Blunkett, Clarke and Reid, all of whom started out as individuals of great promise, turned into foaming fascists, and slunk off in ignominy when they cocked it up.

    If only 'heystoopid' were still around. He'd have a fine opportunity to mention the Peter Principle.

  50. RW

    "She is a woman"

    Has that assertion been proven, either scientifically or in a court of law?

    At the very least, Mrs. Timney is so inhuman that neither "man" nor "woman" seems an appropriate epithet. But let's give credit where credit is due: she (it?) would have made an excellent commissar during the bloodier and more compelling episodes of the Bolshevik revolution.

    [Just as His Holiness Pope Benedict would have been an excellent pope ca. 1350.]


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