back to article Rapists should be raped, declares Jordan

Prodigiously Bulgarian airbagged glamour minx Jordan has announced that rapists should henceforce be raped themselves, one of a raft of proposed measures designed to restore law and order to the UK's crime-ravaged streets. The would-be lawmaker - whose body sensationally comprises 40 per cent water, one per cent other stuff …

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  1. Rob Beard
    Thumb Up

    Woohoo!

    "She's apparently upping sticks to the US with hubby Peter Andre"

    Woohoo! Sounds like a good excuse for a national holiday if you ask me!

    What would be a good penalty for releasing crap songs, having your vocal cords removed?

    Rob

  2. Mark
    Paris Hilton

    So therefore

    I must get paid to get my moobs out.

    Yes?

    What about "Airheads should have high pressure air pushed into their head"? Or "people talking shit should have shit put in their mouth"?

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    But speeding's ok

    if you can get off on a technicality.

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    But...

    ...surely then someone would have to rape the rapist rapist? The whole country could get sucked off^M^M^M in. Maybe some sort of circle jerk?

    And what happens when, inevitably, a raped rapist is found innocent? Do we rape the accuser? The judge? Jordan <shivers>?

    I never understood people who think that the best way of demonstrating that "hurting people is bad" is by hurting people.

  5. hikaricore
    Flame

    ffs

    What a dumb bitch.

  6. Robin
    Happy

    Hmmm

    To what extent would the eye-for-an-eye thing apply?

    Let's say I commit a parking offence (yeah, unlikely I know, but bear with me for a sec). Would the council get to obstruct my driveway for 30 minutes? They could even have an official argue with me that he 'just nipped into the shop for some change' or something.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    Horses for courses

    I have a mental image of Jordan, dressed as a judge, sitting atop a horse, which is forcibly sodomising a convicted rapist who has been doused in female horse scent. It's not an entirely displeasing image. Like something from from Studio 54 during the height of the disco era. I doubt that it would cut crime, however.

  8. Andy Barber
    Joke

    Brighton is saved

    Well coming from Brighton*, she would approve of same-sex marriages wouldn't she. Where's she off too then, San Francisco? (It's also 3000km further away from Blighty!)

    * To non Brit's, Brighton is the "gay capital" of the UK.

  9. alan
    Paris Hilton

    epic

    faile

    if all the rapists were to be raped, then the prison officials that raped them would be raped, and eventually the HM prison service would run out of rapists to rape the rapists, they would have to turn to other .gov services, then to the public, and the whole thing would spread like an epidemic of rape.

    everyone in the UK would end up firstly raping someone, then being raped in punishment. Maybe Jordan likes the idea.....

    paris cos she has less grotesquely over-inflated legislation

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    I reckon

    she is probably complete filth in the sack!!

  11. Vladimir Plouzhnikov

    What is her opinion...

    ...on, quite popular in some countries, custom of stoning female adulterers to death?

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Is she offering her services?

    >> “The way I see it is an eye for an eye. So if someone rapes a girl he should be bent over and

    >> the same thing done to him. I’m sorry that’s just the way I feel. I’m very strict.”

    I think the mere thought of being forced to have sex with Jordan is enough to put of any potential rapist. Heck, just the thought of Jordan is enough to put most people off for a week.

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Vengence is mine, sayith Jordan

    While I sympathize with the death penalty, and raping rapists (which the truly sick ones would probably enjoy too much, but who am I to use reason, I'm a nobody). The others remind me why people need to read classical books, like maybe, The Scarlet Letter? When it is convenient for us, we believe people can change. Marking them for life seems as extreme as what we see happen in the most fundamentalist countries. People like her are what happens when you let thoughtless and disturbed people punish the other thoughtless and disturbed. I mean seriously, most of them say they are Christians even, and I have a strange feeling Jesus would not approve, to say the least.

    One nice thing about freedom of speech is that you get to be warned of the crazy ones right from their own mouths. And they have no idea they are doing so, or how insane they really are. True justice would be that after she put in the needle, they find out the one she put to death was innocent after someone else comes out and admits to the crime with hard evidence. This actually happens, but, because of the spectacle she would create, it would be too hard to keep as quiet as they tend to when a famous governor does it behind the wall of a signature and a confusing justice system.

    Sane is crazy and crazy is sane, welcome to bizarro world!

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Re: Bootnotes

    " Interestingly, Jordan does not suggest a suitable punishment for parents who give their kids bloody silly names. "

    And here's where we see the whole house of cards fall down, because the appropriate punishment for such a crime -- an eye for an eye -- is to give the _parents_ silly names. But the perfectly normal "Katie Price" has already benn traded in for the name of an F1 racing team (which incidentally has a *boy's* name).

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Sympathy?

    Was she thinking of how the other jungle jane inflatable funbag was treated (Sorry I use the word thinking in its broadest possible sense) http://www.theregister.co.uk/2009/01/21/jungle_jane_perp_cuffed/comments/

    Mines the one with the bicycle pump and the puncture repair kit in the pocket.

  16. Paul

    But I bet...

    She is anti Sharia Law...

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Dead Vulture

    and???

    Is there even the slightest relation to any IT angle here?

  18. Richard
    Paris Hilton

    Paris.

    Excuse me but this article didn't mention our favourite heiress' opinion.

    With her on the Drink driving though.

  19. Anonymous Coward
    Boffin

    "Rape the rapists" ?

    Why, that's insania!

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    What a hypocrite she is.

    This is all coming from the woman who used to repeatedly speed through our village at 60mph + in her brand new Range Rover and when caught said in her bimbo voice "ooh, I didn't know what the speed limit was."

    So Jordan, willing to give up your cars are you? No didn't think so.

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Raping the rapist rapist.

    If the rape victim did the rapist raping then the circle of rape would be complete and everyone would then be happy.

  22. Bumhug
    Alert

    But what if....

    The rapist consents to his punishment?

  23. Master Baker

    She is stupid

    But I would like a ride on her milkers

  24. Dave Gregory
    Stop

    Oh well done

    Now that's fixed the world, hasn't it?

  25. Max

    Hmmm.

    Kent Brockman: At the risk of editorializing, these women are guilty, and must be dealt with in a harsh and brutal fashion. Otherwise, their behavior could incite other women leading to anarchy of biblical proportions.

    [pause, pounds desk]

    Kent Brockman: It's in "Revelations", people.

  26. Benny
    Joke

    Bubba

    How comes she can get away with Bubba comments....

  27. Ferry Boat

    What's the one per cent other stuff?

    I'll take a guess it's not brain cells.

    Anyway, the punishment for parents who give their children bloody silly names is to be given bloody silly names themselves. Oh... hang on.

  28. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

    Re: and???

    It's not the angle, it's the width.

    What?

  29. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    have you heard?

    Jordan has become an actress, she already has two Golden Globes.

  30. Mycho Silver badge

    Thinking about it

    This story should in fact be entitled "Jordan condones rape"

  31. dreadful scathe
    Pirate

    @Sarah Bee

    Can you arrange to have Gerhardt executed for that joke? Its a reasonable request!

    (if you dont have that power, then frankly, its about time you got it)

  32. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    An eye for an eye...

    So a bad song for a bad song - I'm off to sing Disney songs badly and out of tune in Jordan's face (and Peter's, while I'm at it) to punish her for attempting to start a music career!

  33. Tom Austin
    IT Angle

    Some kind of...

    ...automated rape machine that the to-be-punished rapist gets strapped onto?

    There's your IT angle. Of a sort.

  34. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I don't get it

    What's wrong with what she said? Seems eminently sensible to me.

  35. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    From the Viz "100 Borderline Boilers"

    "Melon wrangling fuckwit" is her correct title.

  36. g e

    Waste of skin

    Stupid cow. Obviously not been in the news recently enough so she came up with this. Hope we never hear from her again when she fucks off west.

  37. Phil Standen
    Thumb Down

    Re: Brighton's Influence

    Brighton (here) is also one of the most liberal places in the country. So I doubt it has influenced her too much.

    However, we do seem to think that if you own a car and want to park it on the street you should be raped so maybe I am wrong.

  38. Mike Richards Silver badge

    Finally an answer...

    ...to the tricky question. 'Who's dumber - Paris or Jordan?'

    Thanks to her comprehensive energy policy, Paris is the brains of the outfit.

  39. Mark

    Just had a thought

    Well, two really

    1) "So if someone rapes a girl he should be bent over and the same thing done to him. I’m sorry that’s just the way I feel."

    So how is the girl supposed to rape the man like that???

    2) "I’m very strict."

    Isn't this just incitement to doing naughty stuff?

    PS, mater baters, she doesn't have "milkers". But if you're looking for silicone sealant in a handy jumbo pack...

  40. Tim Groven
    Happy

    Re: ffs

    Best comment ever. Gave me quite a laugh. Thank you!

  41. N1AK

    Hypocrite

    If she's willing to get hit by a speeding vehicle as fair punishment for her penchant for speeding then I'll consider her views on the matter slightly more seriously, until then I'll just consider her a hypocrite who is either stupid or smart enough to act convincingly stupid.

  42. Henry Wertz Gold badge
    Joke

    Robot?

    "Is there even the slightest relation to any IT angle here?"

    Well, I *suppose* they could use an automated rape-bot. As much hentai as they sell in Japan I'm sure they could pick one up there.

  43. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Re: Horses for courses

    Stop it now... that sort of mental image can get you locked away under the new laws...

    Jordan - what an idiot.

  44. J-Wick
    Coat

    Re: and???

    Ooooh Sarah, you're *such* a tease....

  45. Rob
    Go

    @Sarah

    Nice :)))

  46. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    @Mark : The practical difficulties of state sanctioned rape.

    >So how is the girl supposed to rape the man like that???

    Strap on?

  47. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    Wasn't Me!

    Would raping yourself count?

  48. Andy Barber
    Happy

    @Ponder Stebbins

    > Mines the one with the bicycle pump and the puncture repair kit in the pocket

    ROTFWL

  49. Graham Marsden
    Joke

    @Sarah Bee

    What, no pre-emptive ban on Bubba comments...?

  50. Anonymous Coward
    Alert

    OK..

    I may be out of work, but that is one job I will not be applying for; Electric Chair, Beheading or the old Hemp Fandango would be OK, but there is no way I'm giving some guy one up the....

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