back to article Bike bonk bloke lands on sex offenders' register

A man who was caught in flagrante delicto attempting sexual intercourse with a bicycle has been placed on the sex offenders' register, the Telegraph reports. Robert Stewart earned himself a hearing at Ayr Sheriff Court following the incident last October when two "extremely shocked" cleaners at local Aberley House Hostel …

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  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    WTF?

    I've gotta ask (but really DON'T want to see photos...), what was he actually doing to the bike??

  2. Tawakalna
    Stop

    disgusting..

    ..that he was placed on the register of perverts for this? reckless conduct in charge of a bicycle would have been more appropriate. Whichever idiot beak equated this with rape and kiddy-fiddling should be booted off the bench.

    Mind you, you can be stuck on the perverts register for even taking a pee in public these days, and let's face it, once you're on the perverts register, as far as the public are concerned you are a rapist and kiddy-fiddler.

    what a man does in private with a consenting bicycle is his own business.

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Beats sniffing hot leather...

    Well, I've heard of perverts sniffing little girls' bicycle seats, but I've never heard of this before...

  4. Dave Burns
    Coat

    Was it the...

    Village bicycle? Coats on already.

  5. Tim
    Paris Hilton

    Harsh

    He was behind a locked door! There was no offence until the cleaners broke in, surely? As far as I know it's not actually illegal to shag a bike (presumably as long as it's yours).

    Anyone who's ever 'enjoyed' the tenner-a-night channels on a hotel TV would be at risk of becoming sex a criminal should the chambermaid pop her head round the door.

  6. Olly Molyneux

    A classic...

    I bet it was a Chopper...

  7. Cameron Colley
    Coat

    New sex crime?

    Is this the first case of pedalphilia?

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    As usual....

    ....where are the pictures?

    Er, maybe not in this case.

  9. Anonymous John
    Coat

    Can I be the first

    to coin the word "pedalphilia"?

  10. Ferry Boat

    Every observed physical phenomenon can be explained by these interactions

    How can he be put on the offenders register? It's not as if he's a danger to people. That's bike pervert madness gone mad, that is.

    I grew up in a village and still fondly remember the local bike.

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Down

    This makes no sense at all...

    Since I doubt having sex with a bike is actually an offence I assume he was charged as they saw him doing something sexual.

    Soo.. if your in a hotel having some nookie with your missus and a cleaner walks in on you are you both going to be charged and put on the sex offenders register??? Total and complete nonsense.

  12. Doug

    theReg editors other hobby ..

    What's this got to do with technology, who on the reg is obsessed with non-standard sexual practice and why does he see the need to share his other hobby with us.

  13. James Rogerson
    IT Angle

    I'm surprised nobody has asked...

    Where's the IT link here?

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    So likely then also on the list of banned acts

    would be having consensual relations with mature cucumbers, pumpkins and watermelons, even in private? Is nobody safe?

  15. Jason
    Coat

    Makes sense now ....

    .... why all the people in the gym are sweating and straining so much on the bikes.

    All this time I thought it was exercise. Also explains why they wipe 'em down afterwards.

    How very considerate.

    Poor chap. Can't _quite_ fathom how you hump a bicycle, unless he was "sat" on it .... *shudder*

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    I'm confused.

    I'm sure someone is being taken for a ride here... But who?

  17. wobbly1
    Coat

    Was the bike...

    ... under-age? Not sure what the age of consent is for a bicycle, and did he wear an inner-tube?

    I'll get...

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Eh? What?

    So if he'd been shagging his girlfriend and they let themselves into the room would he be on the Sex Offenders register?

    OK the man obviously has an odd fetish - but he was doing it in private so whats the problem. This could have a serious impact on anyone who indulges in any sex act that could be deemed by anyone as "abnormal" as apparently if someone enters your LOCKED room by using a master key and sees you doing something you get shoved on the SOR... or is there something going on here that we aren't aware of?

    And what sort of offence is "sexual breach of the peace"?? Does moaning too loud or screaming "YESSSS YESSS" count?

    Madness.

  19. Mark

    I fail to see

    What offence he has committed. He's in a private room having what amounts to a w**k, which I'm sure has been done countless times. I entirely fail to see, even given his choice of inanimate stimulation, how he could plead guilty to this.

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Was the bike complete?

    On first read I'd assumed it was missing the saddle. Later I thought he could have suffered an unusual misunderstanding of the function of a "chain" on the bike, but that wouldn't work as his T shirt wasn't black.

    I thus remain puzzled whilst I grab my long raincoat :-)

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    meh

    we'd probably shocked to find out the number of people on the sex offenders register for retarded shit (shagging in public, getting caught jerking off, etc)

    this register like almost every government register is full of fud

  22. Anonymous Coward
    Flame

    AFAIK it's not sex..

    I've had a browse through some online references, but AFAIK sexual intercourse is defined as something between species capable of reproducing.

    I have yet to see a bicycle reproduce with its own kind, nor with a mixed species arrangement, and I must admit to having some trouble visualising any result from such a union (btw, Union is a Belgian bicycle manufacturer, so there may be a hint there, but I digress :-)

    If I were him I'd try to get that verdict quashed. The only offence he committed was to make pretend movements so you could probably get him for a more elaborate version of a 'George Michael' but that's not a reason to go on the sex offenders list - that punishment WAY exceeds the "crime" (I have trouble calling it that - an idiotic move maybe but who are we to judge what someone does privately with the door locked?).

    What's next - being listed because your wrist hurts?

    Morons..

  23. Steven
    Gates Halo

    Learning to Ride

    It took me a few weeks when I was a kid to learn how to ride a bike. If I knew you could ride one like this - It would have been much easier.....

  24. Rick
    Coat

    Surely...

    He had a "Handle" on it...although he could have been "yanking its chain"

  25. dormant

    Reproduction with bicycles

    Clearly, none of you has read The Third Policeman by Flann O'Brian.

    "The gross and net result of it is that people who spend most of their natural lives riding iron bicycles over the rocky roadsteads of this parish get their personalities mixed up with the personalities of their bicycle as a result of the interchanging of the atoms of each of them and you would be surprised at the number of people in these parts who nearly are half people and half bicycles."

    Agree the punishment is totally over the top.

  26. Scott Priest
    Coat

    Protection...

    I hope he wore an innertube or he'll have a litte trike to support!

  27. John A Blackley

    Not a hotel

    In the HOSTEL (note, not a hotel) the cleaners forced the door and found the genteman, "Wearing only a white t-shirt, naked from the waist down and making sexual, thrusting motions" while astride the bicycle (from the court records).

    I do agree with all of the comments regarding the injustice of putting this poor plonker on the sexual offenders register. However, once again, that is within the law. Apparently (or, as reported by the Torygraph), in Scotland it is an offense to simulate sex with an inanimate object.

    One presumes that dildos, merkins and the like are contraband in my native land.

  28. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    Obviously...

    Obviously he was just bikecurious...

  29. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    So privacy is now public?

    I'm with "Eh? What?". He was behind a locked door for darn sakes. How can that be public?

    Funny justice system we have..

  30. Anonymous Coward
    Stop

    Do not disturb - bike shagging

    Shame he didn't put up his sign, but surely, if you were caught w@nking or whatever he was doing to the bike - it's the cleaners fault for coming into the room.

    So let that be a warning to any Deaf couple about to go on their honeymoon, or even a Deaf person about to have a tommy tank in their hotel room!

  31. Anonymous Coward
    Alert

    Most Odd!

    Could it be that the press have dressed this story up? I mean, over the years I've heard about some females of the species being referred to as "the village bicycle", so perhaps he was riding such a bike when the cleaners came in?

    Alternatively, perhaps said cleaners were not actually shocked by what they saw, but jealous because they wanted a bit of what they saw? It wouldn't be the first time in history that a jealous woman relied upon her inbuilt spiteful attitude to get their own back on an innocent male.

    And just maybe this geezer wasn't practicing pro-creation, but was actually practicing pumping up the tyres?

    I don't actually see what the problem is here. I can accept that shagging a bicycle isn't "normal" behaviour, but this guy was apparently behind a locked door doing his thing. If this is worth prosecuting then I imagine that there would be thousands of people being lined up for a visit before the beak for what they've got up to in a hotel bedroom!

  32. Anonymous Coward
    Unhappy

    why would you fuck a bicycle

    everybody knows those cleaning ladies do that without announcing themselves just so they catch people doing stuff like this though I am pretty sure it's a bike fetish and I hate slimey fetishists you know shoes gloves stockings now bicycles it's enough to make to you wash everything you touch in this world.

  33. Dave
    Thumb Up

    Man rides sexy motor cycle

    Perhaps he has been watching Vroom Vroom Vroom

    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0114879/

  34. Mark
    Unhappy

    Re:John A Blackley

    Apparently (or, as reported by the Torygraph), in Scotland it is an offense to simulate sex with an inanimate object.

    So, does every woman with a Rampant Rabbit have to come south of the Border for self induced stimulation?

  35. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    Re: offense to simulate sex with an inanimate object

    Would that include my ex?

  36. Al

    You're all missing the point ...

    Aberley House Hostel is a place where homeless people can go while they try to get back on their feet. In this country, crime is only allowed to be committed by tax payers ... so the only option was to put him on the offenders register. Of course, had he been a rich pop star mixed up in multiple (and not just 2 or 3) drug offences, he'd have been let off and told not to do it again.

  37. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    Confusion

    Maybe he misinterpreted that old militant feminist bumper sticker: "A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle."

  38. Simon Elavy

    What about the victim?

    I do hope the bike has been offered some counseling.

  39. Anonymous Coward
    Jobs Horns

    Where's our dear friend.....

    .....Paris in this story? Could it be that:

    1) She was the bike?

    2) She was the cleaner?

    3) She was actually wearing a strap-on and got done as the bloke?

    I think we should be told!

  40. Anonymous Coward
    Boffin

    Amazing

    Well, at least some of you guys are literate (at least dormant is). Now how about getting your spelling and grammar above the Nigel Molesworth level?

  41. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    bikesexual?

    as a new proclivity

  42. Joe
    Thumb Up

    Re: "Obviously..."

    Anonymous Coward, you just made my day!

    ("Bikecurious" beats the "pedalphilia" joke!)

  43. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    The actual "offense"...

    So, in reality, this "criminal" was actually (permanently) placed in the national "Sex Offenders Database" for getting caught, effectively... privately-masturbating within his, own, domicile..? THE CAD!

    I'm surprised they let him live.

    Of course, that's not as bad as the (underage) teenage boy who got ten-years in prison for having consensual sex with a teenage girl, at a party. Of course, the courts did just decide to let the boy out of prison after only two years... because, as the judge said, serving more time (for that, apparently heinous, crime) would have been "cruel".

    Oh, and yes... that boy is also now a registered sex-offender for life.

    Well, I certainly feel safer. Thank God, for "Sex Offender" databases. They're certainly NOT abusive, and surely DO protect us all...

  44. Jon Tocker

    I, for one, am relieved

    Glad this dangerous pervert's on the SOR.

    As we are all probably aware, sexual offences are usually recidivistic and the offender gets worse over time, upscaling their operations.

    It's only a matter of time before he progresses to molesting *motorcycles* and I will not have my motorcycle terrified to be parked on the streets with a rampant bikesexual offender in the area.

    Gives an entirely new meaning to the admonition: "Lock up your bikes"

    And before anyone flames me for giving the guy a hard time, check out www.whatthefuckisthisthingcalledsarcasm.com and grow a rudimentary sense of humour (at least as rudimentary as mine).

    Shit, it's a bad time when having (basically) a "J Arthur" behind a locked door can get you on the SOR.

    Does that mean anyone who watched "American Pie" should be put on the SOR for watching "deviant" pornography depicting sexual acts with pastry?

  45. Rich

    Baxter Basics

    There is a Baxter Basics cartoon in Viz where the eponymous MP becomes overexcited while filling his car with petrol. He is pictured penetrating the fuel inlet while self-administering an enema with the pump nozzle.

    This is clearly dangerous and a violation of hazardous substance handling regulations, apart from anything else.

  46. James
    Paris Hilton

    I Am Shocked & Disgusted!1!!11!11!lolorz *puts down copy of todays' Daily Mail.....*

    Disgusting, stuff! Hang the bastard, he must be some kind of paedophile. There's no evidence, but better safe than sorry is what I say!

    Honestly, is this the kind of society we live in these days, where a man and his bike can't have a good, clean time together? I mean me and my mattress have had many intermite affairs. I wonder if this makes me a 'sex offender', I'd imagine I can except an angry mob of nonces at my door any time soon.

  47. heystoopid
    Joke

    De ja Vue?

    De Ja Vue ?

    Reminded me of another tragic story of early last century of false accusations against an innocent person and all those responsible failed to take any action to either apologise offer compensation or correct the tragic mistake period !

  48. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    Transformers!

    Maybe he went to the cinema and loved the movie? He felt the need to become one with his motorbike. Gosh! I hate to think what he would have done if he had seen Robocop!

  49. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    He's clearly ...

    a cyclepath

  50. Anonymous Coward
    Alert

    How can he be put on the offenders register?

    ...Was it a childs bike?

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