I've gotta ask (but really DON'T want to see photos...), what was he actually doing to the bike??
A man who was caught in flagrante delicto attempting sexual intercourse with a bicycle has been placed on the sex offenders' register, the Telegraph reports. Robert Stewart earned himself a hearing at Ayr Sheriff Court following the incident last October when two "extremely shocked" cleaners at local Aberley House Hostel …
..that he was placed on the register of perverts for this? reckless conduct in charge of a bicycle would have been more appropriate. Whichever idiot beak equated this with rape and kiddy-fiddling should be booted off the bench.
Mind you, you can be stuck on the perverts register for even taking a pee in public these days, and let's face it, once you're on the perverts register, as far as the public are concerned you are a rapist and kiddy-fiddler.
what a man does in private with a consenting bicycle is his own business.
He was behind a locked door! There was no offence until the cleaners broke in, surely? As far as I know it's not actually illegal to shag a bike (presumably as long as it's yours).
Anyone who's ever 'enjoyed' the tenner-a-night channels on a hotel TV would be at risk of becoming sex a criminal should the chambermaid pop her head round the door.
Since I doubt having sex with a bike is actually an offence I assume he was charged as they saw him doing something sexual.
Soo.. if your in a hotel having some nookie with your missus and a cleaner walks in on you are you both going to be charged and put on the sex offenders register??? Total and complete nonsense.
.... why all the people in the gym are sweating and straining so much on the bikes.
All this time I thought it was exercise. Also explains why they wipe 'em down afterwards.
How very considerate.
Poor chap. Can't _quite_ fathom how you hump a bicycle, unless he was "sat" on it .... *shudder*
So if he'd been shagging his girlfriend and they let themselves into the room would he be on the Sex Offenders register?
OK the man obviously has an odd fetish - but he was doing it in private so whats the problem. This could have a serious impact on anyone who indulges in any sex act that could be deemed by anyone as "abnormal" as apparently if someone enters your LOCKED room by using a master key and sees you doing something you get shoved on the SOR... or is there something going on here that we aren't aware of?
And what sort of offence is "sexual breach of the peace"?? Does moaning too loud or screaming "YESSSS YESSS" count?
I've had a browse through some online references, but AFAIK sexual intercourse is defined as something between species capable of reproducing.
I have yet to see a bicycle reproduce with its own kind, nor with a mixed species arrangement, and I must admit to having some trouble visualising any result from such a union (btw, Union is a Belgian bicycle manufacturer, so there may be a hint there, but I digress :-)
If I were him I'd try to get that verdict quashed. The only offence he committed was to make pretend movements so you could probably get him for a more elaborate version of a 'George Michael' but that's not a reason to go on the sex offenders list - that punishment WAY exceeds the "crime" (I have trouble calling it that - an idiotic move maybe but who are we to judge what someone does privately with the door locked?).
What's next - being listed because your wrist hurts?
Clearly, none of you has read The Third Policeman by Flann O'Brian.
"The gross and net result of it is that people who spend most of their natural lives riding iron bicycles over the rocky roadsteads of this parish get their personalities mixed up with the personalities of their bicycle as a result of the interchanging of the atoms of each of them and you would be surprised at the number of people in these parts who nearly are half people and half bicycles."
Agree the punishment is totally over the top.
In the HOSTEL (note, not a hotel) the cleaners forced the door and found the genteman, "Wearing only a white t-shirt, naked from the waist down and making sexual, thrusting motions" while astride the bicycle (from the court records).
I do agree with all of the comments regarding the injustice of putting this poor plonker on the sexual offenders register. However, once again, that is within the law. Apparently (or, as reported by the Torygraph), in Scotland it is an offense to simulate sex with an inanimate object.
One presumes that dildos, merkins and the like are contraband in my native land.
Shame he didn't put up his sign, but surely, if you were caught w@nking or whatever he was doing to the bike - it's the cleaners fault for coming into the room.
So let that be a warning to any Deaf couple about to go on their honeymoon, or even a Deaf person about to have a tommy tank in their hotel room!
Could it be that the press have dressed this story up? I mean, over the years I've heard about some females of the species being referred to as "the village bicycle", so perhaps he was riding such a bike when the cleaners came in?
Alternatively, perhaps said cleaners were not actually shocked by what they saw, but jealous because they wanted a bit of what they saw? It wouldn't be the first time in history that a jealous woman relied upon her inbuilt spiteful attitude to get their own back on an innocent male.
And just maybe this geezer wasn't practicing pro-creation, but was actually practicing pumping up the tyres?
I don't actually see what the problem is here. I can accept that shagging a bicycle isn't "normal" behaviour, but this guy was apparently behind a locked door doing his thing. If this is worth prosecuting then I imagine that there would be thousands of people being lined up for a visit before the beak for what they've got up to in a hotel bedroom!
everybody knows those cleaning ladies do that without announcing themselves just so they catch people doing stuff like this though I am pretty sure it's a bike fetish and I hate slimey fetishists you know shoes gloves stockings now bicycles it's enough to make to you wash everything you touch in this world.
Aberley House Hostel is a place where homeless people can go while they try to get back on their feet. In this country, crime is only allowed to be committed by tax payers ... so the only option was to put him on the offenders register. Of course, had he been a rich pop star mixed up in multiple (and not just 2 or 3) drug offences, he'd have been let off and told not to do it again.
So, in reality, this "criminal" was actually (permanently) placed in the national "Sex Offenders Database" for getting caught, effectively... privately-masturbating within his, own, domicile..? THE CAD!
I'm surprised they let him live.
Of course, that's not as bad as the (underage) teenage boy who got ten-years in prison for having consensual sex with a teenage girl, at a party. Of course, the courts did just decide to let the boy out of prison after only two years... because, as the judge said, serving more time (for that, apparently heinous, crime) would have been "cruel".
Oh, and yes... that boy is also now a registered sex-offender for life.
Well, I certainly feel safer. Thank God, for "Sex Offender" databases. They're certainly NOT abusive, and surely DO protect us all...
Glad this dangerous pervert's on the SOR.
As we are all probably aware, sexual offences are usually recidivistic and the offender gets worse over time, upscaling their operations.
It's only a matter of time before he progresses to molesting *motorcycles* and I will not have my motorcycle terrified to be parked on the streets with a rampant bikesexual offender in the area.
Gives an entirely new meaning to the admonition: "Lock up your bikes"
And before anyone flames me for giving the guy a hard time, check out www.whatthefuckisthisthingcalledsarcasm.com and grow a rudimentary sense of humour (at least as rudimentary as mine).
Shit, it's a bad time when having (basically) a "J Arthur" behind a locked door can get you on the SOR.
Does that mean anyone who watched "American Pie" should be put on the SOR for watching "deviant" pornography depicting sexual acts with pastry?
There is a Baxter Basics cartoon in Viz where the eponymous MP becomes overexcited while filling his car with petrol. He is pictured penetrating the fuel inlet while self-administering an enema with the pump nozzle.
This is clearly dangerous and a violation of hazardous substance handling regulations, apart from anything else.
Disgusting, stuff! Hang the bastard, he must be some kind of paedophile. There's no evidence, but better safe than sorry is what I say!
Honestly, is this the kind of society we live in these days, where a man and his bike can't have a good, clean time together? I mean me and my mattress have had many intermite affairs. I wonder if this makes me a 'sex offender', I'd imagine I can except an angry mob of nonces at my door any time soon.
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