* Posts by Richard Scratcher

483 publicly visible posts • joined 31 Aug 2007

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Apple was OK to fire man for private Facebook comments

Richard Scratcher
Megaphone

Apple products lick the salty sweat off ancient crinkley donkey balls.

Not my words, I'm just quoting someone who posted this on the web. I think he/she might work for Apple.

Crap alchemist jailed for poo-into-gold experiment

Richard Scratcher
Boffin

Turning faeces into gold would require a supernova.

Turning human faeces into diamonds is much easier but quite expensive.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/2209799.stm

Debt collectors warned off pursuing punters on Facebook

Richard Scratcher
Flame

Scugbams, the lot of 'em

I've got two debt collectors chasing me for debts that simply aren't mine. Their technique seems to be to write nasty letters to people with the same name as the debtor so that the innocents will ring them up to prove they aren't in debt. They use an 0844 phone number so you have to pay them for the privilege of speaking to them. When you get through, they won't tell you what it's about until you give them a lot of personal information. If you don't respond to them, they assume you're the droid they're looking for and start sending even more threatening letters.

I have quite a stack of their threat-mail piling up but I assume that more vulnerable people are panicked into doing their job for them and so their sordid parasitic little businesses thrive.

Astronomy crowd spots PLANET KILLER!

Richard Scratcher
Alien

30 million kilometres

That's about 54 billionths of a Kessel Run.

Gay-bashing cult plans picket of Steve Jobs funeral

Richard Scratcher

@Jedit

All of those translations were from English versions on the bible I found on biblegateway.com

The first translation was from the King James version but there are another 28 English versions on their site! No doubt each one put its own spin on Bronze Age thinking.

Richard Scratcher
Megaphone

It's all in the good book

Below are examples of Leviticus 18:22 in "the bible" where most christian nutjobs get their authority to oppress others. The source text is the same for all versions of the bible but the variety of wording shows that it can be retranslated to better suit a particular point of view. Christ never said anything about homosexuality but he was a busy man and can't be expected to remember everything.

"Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination."

"It is disgusting for a man to have sex with another man."

"No man is to have sexual relations with another man; God hates that."

"Do not practice homosexuality, having sex with another man as with a woman. It is a detestable sin."

I think the best way to deal with these trolls is to ignore them or laugh at them.

Apple cofounder Steve Jobs is dead at 56

Richard Scratcher
Gimp

R.I.P.

Messenger: Steve Jobs is dead.

Octavius: [Quietly, stunned] Is that how one says it? As simply as that? Steve Jobs is dead. Steven Paul Jobs is dead! The soup is hot, the soup is cold, Steve Jobs is living, Steve Jobs is dead.

[He suddenly turns and begins to shout.]

Shake with terror when such words pass your lips, for fear they be untrue! And Steve cut out your tongue for the lie, if not true! For your lifetime boast that you were honoured to speak his name even in death! The dying of such a man must be shouted, screamed...it must echo back from the corners of the universe. Steve Jobs is dead! Steve Jobs of Apple lives no more!

Mars trips could blind astronauts

Richard Scratcher

Crew rotation

Perhaps a rotating section of the spacecraft could solve this problem. I know that simulating gravity without causing motion sickness needs a very large diameter (100m) wheel but if the crew only used it when lying down, it should be possible to use a much smaller size.

Various tests have been done to simulate the effects of zero G on the body by having volunteers stay in bed for hundreds of days. I don't remember reading anything about it causing eye trouble.

So maybe sleeping in a low gravity chamber could help reduce the build up of pressure from spinal fluid.

UK, US ink boffinry pact on laser fusion 'star power'

Richard Scratcher
Mushroom

Fusion power? Easy!

All you need to do is gather together a lot of ordinary hydrogen gas and fusion will start automatically. About 1.5 nonillion kilograms should do it.

Hey Commentards! [This title is optional]

Richard Scratcher

meh!

Sweden rolls out invisible infrared tank

Richard Scratcher
WTF?

I can't see anyone actually using this crazy system

So it must be working.

Ohio man cuffed for shagging inflatable pool raft

Richard Scratcher
Coat

Her name was Lilo...

...she was an air bed.

Samsung outs MacBook Pro lookalike laptop

Richard Scratcher
Thumb Up

Im(m)itation

Nothing wrong with making a 'luminum laptop. As you say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Can we expect to see Mr Geesung Choi wearing a mock turtleneck sweater for his next keynote speech?

Apple rumor mill predicts 'all new Mac'

Richard Scratcher
Coat

An entirely new Mac?

I think it will be a rain-proof wearable computer.

Giant iPhone 4 brings Mac OS X to the table

Richard Scratcher
WTF?

For further images and details on how it was made...

I'd be more interested in why it was made.

iCaramba!

Apple pictures iOS on your wall

Richard Scratcher
Facepalm

I think you may be wrong!

Have a look at this story from the late great physicist Richard Feynman.

http://www.myspace.com/richard_feynman/blog/332428072

This may be another case of "Only in America" though.

London rioters should 'loose all benefits'

Richard Scratcher
Mushroom

I say we take off and nuke the site from orbit...

..It's the only way to be sure.

iPad maker to replace 1 million staff with robots

Richard Scratcher
Coat

I have no problem with this...

...as long as the jobs are given to American robots rather than Chinese ones.

Or maybe robots designed in California and assembled in China.

Jupiter spacecraft mounted atop bloody big rocket

Richard Scratcher
Coat

Solar powered?

What's wrong with Plutonium-238?

Segway death blamed on good manners

Richard Scratcher

Looks like we've got us a convoy...

In Boston (and other US Cities) you can take part in a Segway city tour. I had to step aside to allow a motorised column of Japanese tourists and their guide to pass me on the pavement.

Boston seemed quite a pedestrian friendly city and I don't think theses gizmos should be allowed to hog the pavements.

Yuri Gagarin, legendary 'naut, makes London debut

Richard Scratcher
Thumb Down

Is it?

It was featured on one of the TV news channels today. I couldn't really see it because some very persistent bloke kept popping up in front of the camera and blocking the shot.

Bloke pissing in reservoir prompts 8m gallon flush

Richard Scratcher
Alert

Danger!

Urine is a none toxic substance but some of its ingredients (sodium, potassium calcium, etc.) diluted by 7.8 million gallons of water might create a whole range of rather potent homeopathic medicines.

These might cause severe reactions if consumed by anyone who believes in that kind on nonsense.

Apple to revamp desktop Macs

Richard Scratcher
Gimp

Never mind the CPUs or Thunderbolt interface...

...what super new form will the external housing take? No doubt the old cheese grater look is gone.

I'm guessing it will be sleek, smooth, shiny, stylish and...oh....I think I've just come.

Captain Cyborg: Computers are alive, like bats or cows

Richard Scratcher
Terminator

Listen, and understand!

Captain Cyborg is out there. He can't be bargained with. He can't be reasoned with. He doesn't feel embarrassment, or stupid, or foolish. And he absolutely will not stop, ever, until he is famous.

London Ambulance Service downed by upgrade cockup

Richard Scratcher

1992

Yeah. That monumental cock-up was required reading at one of my IT jobs as an example of how not to implement a computer system.

http://www.cs.ucl.ac.uk/staff/A.Finkelstein/las/lascase0.9.pdf

Apple: First cult to lead world in semiconductor spending

Richard Scratcher
Gimp

Who are you calling a cult?

I wish you'd stop referring to Apple as a "cult", it's a religion.

Show some respect.

Star probe Kepler finds many multi-world alien suns

Richard Scratcher
Alien

So no Ringworlds detected yet then?

Tanj!

Glass aeroplanes and iPads on the way, say boffins

Richard Scratcher
Alien

You can already buy this sort of stuff from General Products

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/General_Products_(Larry_Niven)

Japanese boffins build internet kissing machine

Richard Scratcher
Coat

Not serious surely!

A bit tongue in cheek.

Apple confirms white iPhone 4 on sale tomorrow

Richard Scratcher
Coat

Probably not just white paint..

Maybe they've fixed the antenna too, with a bit of clear varnish.

Vote now for the best sci-fi film never made

Richard Scratcher
Alien

What about War of the Worlds II ?

The Earth Strikes Back?

Plot:

We capture a Fighting Machine, learn how to make 'em ourselves and then wallop!

Our turn to do some wiping out! Whoosh with our Heat Ray.

Whoosh! And them running and dying, beaten at their own game.

Man on top again!

Apple sues Samsung over Galaxy look-and-feel

Richard Scratcher
Jobs Halo

OMGb! Intel are at it too!

Just noticed how similar the Intel 320 SSD is to the iPhone 4.

Coincidence? No, it's a blatant rip off!

http://www.reghardware.com/2011/04/07/seven_ssd_drives/page2.html

Richard Scratcher
Unhappy

Typical Samsung

They copied my microwave oven too. Illuminated oven cavity with rotating turntable, glass panel door hinged down the left, clock/timer display in the upper right and control knob below it. B@st@rds!

German prangs dad's £275k supercar

Richard Scratcher
FAIL

0 to 62 in 3 seconds!

£275,000 to £0 in about the same time.

MYSTERY of huge Canadian chicken-shed EXPLOSION

Richard Scratcher
Boffin

Big Bang

There's nothing in the laws of quantum physics to prevent chicken barns from just blowing up occasionally. It's quite possible, just extremely improbable. Elsewhere in the multiverse there will be countless other chicken barns that did not blow up for no reason.

Scientists eye curvaceous Earth gravity map

Richard Scratcher

It also explains...

...why the Brazilians are so good at football.

NEC goes out on a limb with arm-tap gadget control

Richard Scratcher
Coat

Meh..

I hope this gadget is robust enough to actually wear and doesn't break like my self-winding watch did. I overwound it while I was watching Baywatch.

Sinclair ZX81: 30 years old

Richard Scratcher
Unhappy

MK14

I wish I'd kept my MK14. I bought an Z80 upgrade for it but discarded it in favour of a shiny new computer with sound and colour. I never realised how useful the MK14 would become for experimenting.

iPad 2? Let's be kind and call it iPad 1.5

Richard Scratcher
Coat

I was impressed by the improvements and hardware additions...

...enough to call it the iPad 3!

I think the only reason Apple gave it the lesser title of iPad 2 is because it's their second version of the product. Those crazy guys eh!

Mark my words, this product will crash and burn in exactly the same way as its predecessor didn't.

Brits say 'no, no, no' to 3D TV

Richard Scratcher
Unhappy

Reason 4 - Telly Hell

My god, what an awful and depressing thought! And yet you've probably identified the most likely use of 3D on our TV channels - adverts!

I record the TV shows I like and watch them later so that I can skip the adverts. But those annoying logos and in-programme messages are unstoppable and becoming more and more intrusive.

Our PARIS becomes GLOBAL MEDIA SENSATION

Richard Scratcher
Alien

Here on Mars too!

The Martian Inquirer carried the story and suggested it was part of some future plan to invade us.

The 99p mobile phone: What's the catch?

Richard Scratcher
Coat

How big is it...

...compared to say a laser printer toner cartridge?

Credit card 'flash attack' steals up to $500,000 a month

Richard Scratcher
FAIL

Chip & Pin?

Years ago I had an idea of cloning a card and getting an accomplice to withdraw a large sum of money from a cash machine while I was withdrawing a small sum, at about the same time but many miles away.

I would then complain to the bank and claim they'd made an error and ask for my money to be restored. I never tried it because I'm such an honest and law-abiding citizen but it seemed like a hole in the hole-in-the-wall system.

The US needs to move to Chip and Pin or geocode their ATMs and add some Pythagorus to their transaction process.

Chinese regime opens Google Earth rival

Richard Scratcher
Coat

Bah!

I tried to zoom in on the Forbidden City in Beijing but all I got was a 403 browser error.

Jobs' Lion to marry Mac OS X and iOS

Richard Scratcher
Jobs Halo

Lion? Not that big of a cat

I think Lion was the wrong moggy to lend its name to such a weak collection of new features.

Maybe Ocelot would have been more apt.

Apple rolls out two new MacBook Air models

Richard Scratcher
Jobs Halo

What is this "Right clicking" of which you speak?

1) E-mail a file from within finder? Just select the file and then from the Finder menu select Services> New E-mail With Attachment.

2) Cut a file a paste it elsewhere? erm...not that big of a deal.

3) Right click a file and select "Rename"? Just click on the file and then click on its name (Don't do this too quickly or that counts as a double click).

4) Select a file and press the "Delete" key... nothing happens! This is just something you have to get used to. And it's there for a reason.

"Finder is lacking so many features I could go on for hours." - I don't doubt it!

Richard Scratcher
Jobs Halo

Six shooters?

1) "Big Fucking Whoop"

2) "Netbook"

3) "Lagacy [sic] already"

4) "Now Fanbois can have netbooks too!"

5) "Just wait"

6) "Lovely, but..."

Yeah! What are Apple thinking? These new Macs will never sell! I mean who'd be mad enough to buy one?

Dear Santa....

Cameron cocks up UK's defences - and betrays Afghan troops

Richard Scratcher
Pint

Or maybe...

...we could give them another couple of rocks. After all it's just a couple of rocks. It's not like anybody has made them their home for almost two centuries...oh! wait!

I'll see your grenade and raise you a pint of beer at the Stanley Arms.

Rooney exits Man U with a few choice words

Richard Scratcher
Happy

More acceptable or not understood?

An 1978 episode of Mork & Mindy "To Tell the Truth" featured two characters with the names Arnold and Annie Wanker.

My how we laughed.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0651264/fullcredits

UK gov could not procure its way out of a paper bag

Richard Scratcher
Coat

Meh!

I could have produced a much better report than Sir Philip's for less than half his asking price. Did it really need a knight to do a price comparison?

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