* Posts by Richard Scratcher

411 posts • joined 31 Aug 2007

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Plastic fiver: 28 years' work, saves acres of cotton... may have killed less than ONE cow*

Richard Scratcher

"...Killed less than ONE cow"

A fraction of a cow? I think that needs rounding up... and I don't mean in a cowboy sort of way.

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'Pavement power' - The bad idea that never seems to die

Richard Scratcher
Thumb Up

Re: Still waiting - @Will Godfrey

Yeah... but think of the energy released by a stumbling pensioner. Then add to that the energy of passers by rushing to help... stretcher-bearing paramedics...

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Married man arrives at A&E with wedding ring stuck on todger

Richard Scratcher
Gimp

Must have been a very small wedding ring...

...or am I missing something?

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BT will HATE us for this one weird 5G trick

Richard Scratcher
Thumb Up

Twelve twelves

"Having something which weighs twelve tonnes share road space with something which weighs a twelfth of a tonne is gross stupidity."

Ha! Like it.

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Sudden explosion in reports of exploding phones

Richard Scratcher

Don't be so sentimental...

...things explode every day

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BBC detector vans are back to spy on your home Wi-Fi – if you can believe it

Richard Scratcher
Thumb Up

Grab a granny

"This seems like a pretty ridiculous amount of effort to go to, surely just linking TV licenses to an iPlayer login would solve all of this nonsense? You pay, you get a login. You share the login and it's logged into more than x IPs simultaneously the account gets blocked."

I agree. This would be the best idea. Then I could visit some of my elderly relatives (people over 75 currently get a free TV licence) and cadge their licence details.

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Avoiding Liverpool was the aim: All aboard the world's ONLY moving aqueduct

Richard Scratcher

A wonderful piece of engineering.

Contrast that with the new road bridge that's under construction a little way up the ship canal. When finished it will take some pressure off the old swing bridge and allow cyclists and pedestrians (and trams), from the towns of Irlam and Cadishead, to get over the water to the "Shopping Cathedral".

The new bridge consists of four concrete pillars that lift up the road deck and allow boats to sail under it. Unfortunately it recently fell down and blocked the ship canal for several weeks. Luckily nobody was hurt in the accident.

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Milk IN the teapot: Innovation or abomination?

Richard Scratcher

M.I.F

Tea contains polyphenols, which give it a bitter flavour that some people prefer. Milk binds to some of the polyphenols making the tea taste less bitter.

Pouring a small quantity of cold milk to a large volume of hot tea will "scald" the milk and denature it before it has time to bind with the polyphenols.

Pouring tea into a cup with milk in will slowly warm the milk and result in a less bitter drink.

So, putting milk in the teapot will give you all the disadvantages of milk with none of the benefits, which is why it's just not done old boy.

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Rejoice, fatties: Giving chocolate electric shocks makes it healthier

Richard Scratcher
Coat

"...polarises the cocoa molecules and causes them to clump into spheroids."

Meh.

Wonka was using this technique years ago with his Ampere-clumpers.

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Earth's core is younger than its crust surface

Richard Scratcher
Paris Hilton

Duh! Not news to me.

This theory was proven years ago by Doug McClure when he encountered that subterranean world of stone-age people.

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Airbus to build plane that's even uglier than the A380

Richard Scratcher

Inspirational Rescue

Paint it green with red engines, write a 2 on it and get a bloke called Virgil to fly it.

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Flying Scotsman attacked by drone

Richard Scratcher

Police have a good description…

…of the man piloting the IP (drone).

He is believed to be in his mid-forties, greasy haired, with thick NHS spectacles. He had saliva stains down the front of his green knitted pullover and he was wearing an anorak.

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Spanish cops discover illegally parked flying car

Richard Scratcher
Alien

Police force

I imagine a Daewoo Matiz is lighter than an X-Wing fighter.

Yoda should they seek.

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Photographer hassled by Port of Tyne for filming a sign on a wall

Richard Scratcher
Black Helicopters

Divvan' dee nay evil, pet

Google got away scot free!

Street view

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Mañana: Nokia’s in no hurry to go back to phones

Richard Scratcher

Manaña

¿qué?

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NASA charges up 18-prop electric X-plane

Richard Scratcher
Boffin

"Specially modified truck"

Seriously? There's no way that thing is going to get airborne, not with all those people in it.

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What the world needs now is Pi, sweet $5 Raspberry Pi Zero

Richard Scratcher
Terminator

Terrible pain...

"Bingo! You have your multi colored Xmas tree LED light controller."

Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and you want me to control your multi-coloured xmas tree lights. Call that job satisfaction? 'Cos I don't.

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Doctor Who's The Zygon Invasion shape-shifts Clara and brings yet more hybrids

Richard Scratcher

Re: A big mistake...

He may have stolen it from me and took it back with him to 1975.

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Richard Scratcher

A big mistake...

...to let these shifty shape-shifters take human form and hide among us.

Let Zygons be Zygons, that's what I say.

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Future civilisations won't know how the universe formed

Richard Scratcher

A piece of cake

"...since every piece of matter in the Universe is in someway affected by every other piece of matter in the Universe, it is in theory possible to extrapolate the whole of creation - every Galaxy, every sun, every planet, their orbits, their composition, and their economic and social history from, say, one small piece of fairy cake."

- The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Universe

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Richard Scratcher

Cobblers.

"We know all this because our own ball of rock formed early enough in universal history for us to gather "observational evidence for the big bang and cosmic evolution, encoded in light and other electromagnetic radiation".

Yes, our planet's inhabitants had to work it out from cosmic background radiation and doppler shifted spectra. But future life forms will simply tune into the TV signals we've been blasting out for decades and get all their info from the Open University broadcasts and suchlike. Bloody TV licence dodging alien bastards!

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Elderly? Disabled? You clearly need a .38" Palm Pistol

Richard Scratcher

Ageing "Gangsta" rappers

Does it come in gold and can it be fired sideways?

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After Burner: Sega’s jet-fighting, puke-inducing arcade marvel

Richard Scratcher
Terminator

I remember playing this game when I was young...

...I'd racked up a really big score but then my friend came up and told me there was some cop scoping for me so I had to terminate the game. Then this big guy walked in wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses... and then it all kicked off.

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Ten years on: Ronnie Barker, Pismonouncers Unanimous founder, remembered

Richard Scratcher

Barker was a "comet guiness", which are worms I don't use orphan.

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BAN the ROBOT WHORES, says robot whore expert: 'These AREN'T BARBIES'

Richard Scratcher

The Bible forbids IT...

...unless you're stoned.

Leviticus 18:22

"Thou shalt not lie with robotkind, as with womankind: it is aballmernotion."

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BAD things happen to GOOD robots in America: hitchBot DECAPITATED

Richard Scratcher
Terminator

Go that way. You'll be malfunctioning within a day, you near-sighted scrap pile.

Did it have an annoying auto-tune voice like that xxxking xxxx of a xxxking robot from the confused.xxxing.com adverts? If so I’d have cheerfully joined in giving it a good kicking.

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URRGH! Evil app WATCHES YOU WATCHING PORN, snaps your grimace

Richard Scratcher
Gimp

Ha!

As if anyone would recognise me in my gimp mask.

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Apple iPhone 6S: Same phone, another day, but TOTALLY DIFFERENT

Richard Scratcher

Re: Pressure sensitive?

Apple already have this tech working in their newer MacBooks. The glass touch pad is fixed solidly to the casing but it has an electromagnet underneath that gives a small kick when the pad senses the pressure required for a "mouse click". The effect is that you'd swear the pad had moved - I had to shut the laptop down to convince myself it hadn't. A similar gizmo is fitted behind the glass of the new phone.

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Telly behemoths: Does size matter?

Richard Scratcher

"You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."

- Rob Beckett

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Come and Twiddle Tek Gear's one handed keyboard

Richard Scratcher

I've got an older version of one of these...

...somewhere.

I've always liked the idea of the Microwriter and bought a Twiddler many years ago. It was not multi-platform and so I abandoned it. Dog knows where it is now.

I'd buy one of these to help me with my accounts, where I need to type details from stacks of receipts into a spreadsheet. At the moment I use voice recognition software but that's not 100% reliable (e.g. "for pound 50" instead of "£4.50").

A Twiddler would let me pick up each receipt to read it and type in the details at the same time.

Why does it have to be so for king expensive? Probably because it's a niche market. :-(

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US Navy's LASER CANNON WARSHIP: USS Ponce sent to Gulf

Richard Scratcher

Re: ACME MIRRORS INC

Any dirt or guano affecting the laser's output would cause it to overheat. Its temperature could be continuously monitored and a warning given to the operator should it reach dangerous levels - e.g. "Laser temperature critical, exercise extreme caution."

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MYSTERY Russian satellite: ORBITAL WEAPON? Sat GOBBLER? What?

Richard Scratcher

ЛОХАНСКИЙ ?

See title.

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VINYL is BACK and you can thank Sonos for that

Richard Scratcher
Boffin

Re: Vinyl introduces a lot of failings

I found this video very informative. I think I stumbled across a link to it in the comments pages of this site a few months ago.

D/A and A/D | Digital Show and Tell

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Richard Scratcher

Never mind the quality, feel the width.

“In an increasingly-digitised world, it appears that music fans still crave a tangible product that gives them original artwork, high audio quality and purity of sound,”

Surely these cravings could be satisfied by selling CDs in oversized cardboard sleeves.

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MOULDY DICK: France aims to snatch EXPLODING WHALE crown from U.S.

Richard Scratcher
Black Helicopters

Just paint "Rainbow Warrior" on it...

...and the DGSE will sneak by and blow it up.

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Amazon: Put our ALWAYS ON MICROPHONE in your house, please. WHAT?

Richard Scratcher
Coat

Alexa - Get my goat.

Father> Alexa - What's in my diary today?

Alexa> Your diary has one item: "Shop for holiday camping supplies"

Father> Alexa - Add camping gas to my shopping list.

Alexa> Okay, I've added camping gas to your shopping list.

Aubrey> Dad, can I get a new kite for the holiday?

Father> Sure son. Alexa - Add a new kite for Aubrey.

Alexa> Adding a new kite to your audit.

Father> No no no! I said Aubrey not audit! Alexa -Take off "a new kite" from audit.

Alexa> Taking off and nuking site from orbit.

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Apple CEO Tim Cook: My well-known gayness is 'a gift from GOD'

Richard Scratcher

Re: Welcome to the 1950's

Homophobic? I thought that was an irrational fear of words that are spelt the same but have different meanings. Or was it a fear of homogenised milk?

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BAE points electromagnetic projectile at US Army

Richard Scratcher

the MBTs these days only have room for about 20 shells

Shhh! Keep it down. Are you trying to get us all killed?

"I know what you're thinking, did he fire twenty shells or only nineteen? Well to tell you the truth in all this excitement I kinda lost track myself..."

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Caterham Seven 160 review: The Raspberry Pi of motoring

Richard Scratcher

Ahhh! that brings back memories

I had a Caterham Super 7 many years ago - it was so much fun to drive but about as practical as a speed boat. I wanted to buy it as a kit (or "component form" as they advertised then) but, during my 12 months on the waiting list, the price went up by 20% and the wait by 50% so I ended up getting a built-and-sold-back model.

There was nothing on that car that wasn't necessary and it was simple to maintain. The indicator switch was a toggle switch on the dash that you had to remember to cancel. The handbrake was mounted transversely above the top of your passenger's legs (oops! sorry love). The gear leaver was the size of an Atari joystick and sat on top of the transmission tunnel that ran along your side and separated you from the passenger. There was enough heat from that for the winter months.

People were always interested in the car and would ask questions such as "Aren't you worried you might get mugged by a gang of midgets at the lights?"

After driving this car every day I got back into my battered old MK3 Escort and it felt like I was driving a bus. The steering wheel seemed massive and it felt like the car was leaning 45° when I went around roundabouts.

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Zippy one-liners, broken promises: Doctor Who on the Orient Express

Richard Scratcher

There was one big scary moment for me...

When it seemed Frank Skinner's character might become a regular cast member.

:-O

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Bird of HEY.... that's MY DRONE! Hawk attacks geek's quadcopter in nature v machine clash

Richard Scratcher

Eywa has heard you!

Eywa has heard you!

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Doctor Who becomes an illogical, unscientific, silly soap opera in Kill The Moon

Richard Scratcher
Unhappy

Doctor WTF?

Even worse than that unbelievably crap episode "Kill The Moon" (written by Peter Harness) are the unbelievably positive reviews of it in newspapers (Telegraph, Independent ) and websites (IMDB, sfx.co.uk).

The reviewers all ignored how space-batshit crazy the plot was and focussed instead on how "spirited, angry and vulnerable" the character of Clara was.

So why not scrap the Sci-fi element of Dr Who and just have him take over as barman of the Rovers Return for the rest of the series?

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WHY did Sunday Mirror stoop to slurping selfies for smut sting?

Richard Scratcher
Coat

Sorry I'm late...

...has anyone done the "this wouldn't stand up in court" joke yet?

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Emma Watson urges UN to back feminism – trolls threaten to leak her 'nude selfies'

Richard Scratcher

Imagi Obscuro!

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No Apple fanbois here: Man United BANS iPads from Old Trafford

Richard Scratcher
WTF?

"In line with UK airports we are reacting to the latest security intelligence..."

That does it! I'm never going to fly from Old Trafford again.

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World's only flyable WWII Lancaster bombers meet in Lincs

Richard Scratcher

Pleasure flights

I saw Vera on display at the Canadian warplane museum a couple of years ago. It's possible to book it for a flight - but it's expensive at about $10,000 for a group of 4 people.

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BMW i8 plug-in hybrid: It's a supercar, Jim, but not as we know it

Richard Scratcher
Facepalm

Re: Idiot's Solution

"I cannot understand why people bother with hybrids."

That much is clear. I suggest you write to those idiots at BMW and point out the error of their ways. Maybe they'll make you head of engineering.

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And now for someone completely brilliant: Stephen Hawking to join Monty Python on stage

Richard Scratcher
Thumb Up

Good

It'll make a change from his cruel heckling of other comedians.

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Russian gov to dump x86, bake own 64-bit ARM chips - reports

Richard Scratcher

Baikal

Bikal is a big lake in Russia.

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How practical is an electric car in London?

Richard Scratcher

Lock and load

My Nissan Leaf can lock its charging plug, and the other end is locked to the charging post until I release it by swiping my card to end the charging session.

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