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* Posts by One-armed Freddy

25 posts • joined 23 Aug 2007

Formula 1 revs engines through Virgin Media

One-armed Freddy
FAIL

£20 a race

If you don't want the other Sky Sports channels, this works out at £20 a race. Bargain!

And if I take into account that I'd be happy to download the early races and miss the boring ones (Hungary & Bahrain,) there's only 5 that I'd lament missing, so the 'real' cost is £40 a race. Amazing!

http://onearmedfreddy.co.uk/blog/2012/01/16/f1-on-virgin-media/

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O2 calls for consumers to lease iPhones

One-armed Freddy
FAIL

So...

You pay £10 less over the course of the contract, then don't get the £100 or so (possibly more) you'd reasonably expect to receive for selling the handset to a recycling company.

Well done, O2. Thinking of the customers, as ever.

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El Reg celebrates 10th birthday

One-armed Freddy

The real reason there's no Lester

Lester doesn't exist, he's a highly advanced software robot that scours the web for stories about drunk morons killing themselves in amusing ways and tracking Paris Hilton's every movement, before publishing them in Bootnotes.

@ Sarah Bee: how you doin'?

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London teen orders 'cab, innit'

One-armed Freddy

Four candles

No, handles for forks, innit.

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Polish builder sacked for humping hoover

One-armed Freddy

Weird

The strange thing of course is that if Henry was real he'd be putting his knob up Henry's nose.

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Iowa man sacked for demanding prostitute

One-armed Freddy

Re: ONE YEAR?

Maybe after 5 years they get you a prostitute?

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Geordie cops arrest two for Wi-Fi squatting

One-armed Freddy
Stop

Flawed analogies

The analogy of having public water taps on streets is flawed. If a council has provided a tap for public use then you're allowed to use it. If my neighbour has an outside tap with a sign saying 'free water, help yourself' then it's reasonable to assume you can use it. If I have an outside tap visible from the road that doesn't have a sign saying it's for public use but it's not secured with a lock and key, that doesn't mean you should assume you can use it. The fact that it reflects light into your eyes doesn't allow you to use the water that I have paid for.

The principle is the same for wifi, if you're not sure whether you're allowed to use an open wireless network then don't. If it's been intended for public use then I'd expect that to be reflected in the SSID or to see some signs up somewhere saying 'free wifi for customers.' (Incidentally, this raises the moral question as to whether you should be allowed to use the open wifi provided for customers of the cafe you live above when you've never been in there, but that's for another time.)

If someone leaves a bag full of money on a table in a pub and I take some of it then I'm stealing. Just because it's open and I can see it doesn't give me the right to take what isn't mine. Just because your laptop connects automatically to an unsecured network doesn't give you the right to start using someone else's bandwith. If you see you've connected by mistake then disconnect. It's not difficult. I expect the commenters saying it's the sole responsibility of the network owners are the same people who defend virus and malware coders saying that if people are too stupid to protect themselves they deserve to be infected. Newsflash: not everyone is as computer literate as you! Some people might be unaware that it needs securing! Shock horror! Should we ban them from having computers and keep the internet a pure utopian society for IT professionals?!

And does anyone seriously believe the police dropped the investigation of murders and rapes to come and arrest these people? Come on now, stop being silly.

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FBI issues prosthetic pregnant belly bomb alert

One-armed Freddy

Hmm...

Still not quite as terrifying as the hormone explosions you can get with actually pregnant women.

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Dwarves hidden in sports bags target Swedish coaches

One-armed Freddy

Update!

Police announced this morning that notorious crimelord Snow White has been taken into custody. Ms White of Dwarf Cottage is known to be the leader of a seven strong gang of miscreants.

Ms White accused her step mother of trying to poison her four years ago, however the case was dropped due to a lack of evidence. It has been speculated that the resulting frustration may have been the motivating factor in her subsequent crimes.

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School-dodging Mexican lad glues self to bed

One-armed Freddy

Misread title

I thought he glued his lad to the bed. That would be better.

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Russians offer Terry Pratchett-style droid luggage

One-armed Freddy

Mid air disaster

If it accidentally switched itself on during the flight would it smash its way from the cargo hold to the cabin to be reunited with its owner?

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Girls' school head condemns bubblewrapping of kids

One-armed Freddy

Shipping

I'd still want to use bubble wrap for shipping children though, especially the way UPS kick parcels around the van.

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Indian man marries dog to lift mutt-murder curse

One-armed Freddy

Wind-up

"On the advice of an astrologer and others"

People will believe any bullshit in their horoscope these days won't they? "Gemini: a curse put on you by dogs can be lifted by marrying one. Your lucky lotto number is 17. Call now for a personalised reading (calls cost £95,000 a minute)"

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Prince stomps on unofficial websites

One-armed Freddy

Monkey

On a slightly related note, I read once a story from somebody who used to babysit at a big house in LA - right next door to Prince's big, purple mansion.

One day she was in the garden with the kids when somebody in a monkey suit started running around the garden next door, bellowing and screaming. The babysitter was concerned about this but was reassured by the kids she was looking after who told her, "that's just Mr. Prince, he always does that."

I don't know if that's true, but I really, really hope it is.

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Cops coax half-naked Czech wolfman from Cardiff tree

One-armed Freddy

A bit rich

It's a bit rich for a half naked wolfman in a tree to be telling people what is and isn't inappropriate. Maybe he needs to take a look at himself.

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Jordan mulls mamtastic epitaph

One-armed Freddy

Idea

If they bury her shallow, with the waps poking through the surface:

"Bouncy castle, 20p. Please remove shoes."

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Sick Brit yobs graffiti dog

One-armed Freddy
Go

It's only a dog

I think it's an improvement. There's probably a market for this kind of dog customisation. Instead of whining about her dog being defaced she should be talking to the bank about a loan to buy a salon and a load of felt tips.

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Dogs blast hunter with shotgun

One-armed Freddy

Rise of the Animals™?

Never mind the RotM, what with the flaming kamikaze squirrels and monkey attacks recently I'm more concerned about the animals rising up and taking over. I'm certain that the government scientist's recent declaration of war on badgers must be what's tipped the animals over the edge. We're doomed!

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Trouserless car-breaker fingers leprechaun

One-armed Freddy

Briliant

If I was a leprechaun I'd definitely spend my free time luring people into cars that didn't belong to them. Then I'd phone the police and report them. Has anyone reported seeing a small Irishman in the court room, pissing himself laughing?

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Fire service may charge for shifting fat people

One-armed Freddy
Flame

Workaround

If I set a fat person on fire then they wouldn't be able to charge me.

Also, it would warm my house more cheaply than the central heating.

Any ideas where I can buy a fat person? I'd prefer nearly new, though slightly soiled might be okay.

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Swearing at work 'good for business'

One-armed Freddy

Michelin Stars

The odd swear or nine hasn't done Gordon Ramsey any harm in his workplace. Say what you like about him, he's not afraid to call a spade a fucking cunt.

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Red Arrows Olympic 'ban' causes online furore

One-armed Freddy
Go

Since they're not banned

maybe they could go and practise down in Stratford right now instead of flying past my office window for half the working day. Noisy bastards.

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Hugo Chavez rails against teen Bulgarian airbags

One-armed Freddy

Western-style consumerism?

No ma'am, I ain't never gonna be happy till I gots me the latest stetson and boots, a years' supply of sippin' whiskey, some solid gold shootin' irons and the fastest hoss money can buy.

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Man sues God

One-armed Freddy

Alliteratory failure

Why did the alliteration stop when he got to genocidal wars? I was enjoying it. Surely he could have continued it worrying, woeful or wobbly.

What a catastrophic cop-out.

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Livid woman torches ex-hubby's wedding tackle

One-armed Freddy

He's lying, sarge

He's a liar liar, pants on fire.

Ahaha.

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