* Posts by Ian Emery

813 posts • joined 9 Aug 2007

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O2 craps itself on national Blighty holiday as cabinet minister moans: 'Oi, sort it out!'

Ian Emery
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Re: HLR db problem

Strange; whenever I have been in Paris and asked a local where I can obtain "x", I have always been directed to the Champs-Élysées.

It didnt matter if it was a replacement phone, or a new tyre for my bike .... Champs-Élysées

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Is your career lacking growth? Become a porn inspector! Hint: It sucks

Ian Emery
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Big Brother

Wor hoi shur pu ton gua.

£500 a month is about 2-5 times what a factory worker gets paid, and more than enough to live comfortably in most parts of China.

The censorship doesnt seem to extend to torrents (I experimented over Christmas); as there was nothing much else to do once I discovered that EVERY non Chinese website was being throttled down to a couple of kbps.

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Ricoh rolls out electrifyingly exciting RUBBER!

Ian Emery
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Joke

At last !!

A suitable power source for the holy condom!!

((Plays "Cleft of ages, rock for me").

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ALIBABA Vs AMAZON: Let the Global Tat Bazaar war begin

Ian Emery
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Facepalm

THERE !! Fixed that for you.

"Our biggest advantage is abundance, with 100 million fake products"

(Dont talk to me about SD cards, not one genuine card bought by me from Alibaba sellers last year, every single sodding one was a fake of some description).

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You can't put a price on LOVE, says Apple after court's Samsung payout slash

Ian Emery
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Big Brother

So, less than $600 million

Barely enough to cover legal fees I suspect.

(Where is the fat-cat lawyer emoticon when you need one??)

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Alibaba: Soon the (e-commerce) world will be ours. And the cloud

Ian Emery
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Meh

My £0.02 ($0.01) worth.

Alibaba is also used by millions of people OUTSIDE of China - to buy all the things those millions of China are putting up for sale.

If Alibaba wants to grow, they have to seriously tackle the fake goods issue; last year I placed 8-9 orders for high capacity SD cards with "top rated" sellers, and every single order was packed out with fake cards. One "32GB" card had a capacity of 648MB, and none of them were bigger than 8GB. When one seller denied there was a problem I wanted to send the cards to Alibaba themselves for verification, but this was denied - I was told I had to send them back to the seller for a refund.

Naturally, he refused the delivery when it arrived in Chinese customs, so I was out of pocket for the return postal costs as well as the purchase price.

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Time to get your babble on: Microsoft opens Skype Translator Preview to all comers

Ian Emery
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Shouldnt that be

"The app previously known as Skype" ???

That SKY judgement isnt going to go away.

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No, really, that 12.9-inch MaxiPad is totally on the way now

Ian Emery
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Colour Options

Will it come in red??

(Possibly with a hint of brown)

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Bought a phone last quarter? There's a one in five chance it was a phablet

Ian Emery
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Terminator

WRONG!!

I bought an Umi Zero, so there!! :-p

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iPhone case uses phone's OWN SIGNAL to charge it (forever, presumably)

Ian Emery
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Paris Hilton

It will never launch

First it will be 0.5 ready

then 0.75

then 0.875

then.........

(waits to see if anyone gets it)

Paris, cos she always gets me charged up :-)

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CHEATER! Test labs out AV vendor for using rival's engine

Ian Emery
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Mushroom

What do you expect

(Sadly), cheating is a way of life in modern China.

I have had run-ins with 360 in the past when trying to remove malware from my wifes PC; 360 kept blocking me from removing it, wouldnt shut down OR uninstall, so I could get at the malware, and turned out to be the SOURCE of half of the malware!!!

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Burger me! Microsoft's chainsaw rampage through sacred cow herd

Ian Emery
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FAIL

Do I ??

Smell the deep, pungent smell of...

DESPERATION !!??

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Jeez, AT&T. Billing a pensioner $24,000 for dialup is pretty low

Ian Emery
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Re: $51 as month?

He probably signed up in the heady days of the late 80's/early 90's as a bit of a pioneer; I dont know if you have noticed, but 99% of ISPs DONT cut existing customers payments when they reduce the tariff for their packages, they wait for the customer to notice, demand the new price be applied to them - and then use that as an excuse to tie the customer in for another 18/24 month contract.

As internet access gets faster and cheaper every year, the older ISPs are sitting on a goldmine of old users paying through the nose for slow, limited services.

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DARPA's made a SELF-STEERING 50-cal bullet – with video proof

Ian Emery
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Coat

All we need now are bobbles

And we can have ourselves a peace war.

(Mines the one with a copy of Vernor Vinges' book in the pocket).

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Tencent introduces slimmed-down wristjob TOS to swollen market

Ian Emery
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Coat

People using this new OS will be called TOSsers???

It is by Tencent, so the main purpose will be to foist more spyware and malware crap on Chinese citizens, with a fairly "clean" "International" version for the rest of the world.

Mine's the "Ar-my-nee" silk suit I had made to measure for fifty quid.

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Avengers: Age of Ultron – blisteringly big banter, brawls and brio

Ian Emery
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" blisteringly big banter, brawls and brio"

Strange, the review doesnt mention any wooden train action, despite the title.

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You - yes, YOU - can win The Ultimate Cash 'n' Carrion Survival Kit

Ian Emery
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Facepalm

Deja vue

You STILL cant give this stuff away??!!

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China tackles vital strippers-at-funeral problem

Ian Emery
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Fantastic idea, I have already booked some for my funeral.

We need a piccy of a Funeral car with a "Got Wood" sticker on the back.

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Tesco broadband goes TITSUP, world keeps turning on wobbly-wheeled trolley

Ian Emery
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Linux

Dont Worry Tesco users

I am sure Aldi or Lidl will have an internet service up and running any day.

(Not a real Penguin, but something identical at half the price).

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Trading Standards pokes Amazon over 'libellous' review

Ian Emery
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NHS systems CAN give a CLI if it is needed, sadly though, even when it is written in your notes that a call wont go through without a CLI, they still try to call you without one - and get blocked.

I had nearly a dozen reminder calls blocked for one single appointment because nobody could be arsed to read the note and act on it.

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RADIOACTIVE WWII aircraft carrier FOUND OFF CALIFORNIA

Ian Emery
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Re: humans

HIGHEST, after declaring it shorter than they thought, they then measured the others and found THEY were all shorter as well; putting Everest back on top.

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Ian Emery
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Re: Easy find

Who votes vegetable??

I think you mean someone who votes Green.

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Ian Emery
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Thumb Up

You beat me to it.

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Microsoft, Getty settle image snatch 'suit

Ian Emery
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As an 8 y/o

EE Smith was a great writer, however, by the time I was 9 he was seeming a bit simplistic and by age 10 I regarded him little better than the Commando comics my younger brother reads (yes - over 40 and still reads them).

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El Reg offers you the chance to become a Master Investor – for free

Ian Emery
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Need a longer lead time on things like this.

I would love to go, but I already have commitments for that date that I cannot get out of (now - last week it would have been different).

Ré Simon Weston, he is a hero because of what he has overcome. There are lots of reasons he got injured - lack of suitable military investment over many years being the biggest.

To this day the RN is stuck with an area AA missile system that cannot effectively engage even an obsolete missile like the Exocet; against a modern AS missile, they would have more chance of stopping an attack by throwing fruit at it.

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Idiot thieves walk free after stolen iPad uploads pics of them with loot

Ian Emery
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Trollface

I dont see what the fuss is about

after all, it was only an iPad.

Troll - obviously.

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Sony tells hacked gamer to pay for crooks' abuse of PlayStation account

Ian Emery
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Considering the financial hole they are in.....

I suppose it is possible that they DONT have £50 left to pay him back with.

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Ding Dong, ALIENS CALLING

Ian Emery
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[waiting until the photons and dust can be removed by laser equipped space sharks at the pointy end of the ship.]

(waits for someone to point out the flaw).

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UN inflicts 10,000 flat pack IKEA shelters on Iraq - WITHOUT TOOLS

Ian Emery
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Joke

Wait for it!!

I predict one will be on sale as a home in London by the summer - asking price?? ~£150,000

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Honda CR-V: SUV-lite that’s also light on the pocket

Ian Emery
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I wonder at the longevity of the tiny turbo boosted engines everyone is slapping into big cars these days; especially a 1.6D like this.

For the record, my sister drives this model, and although she keeps crowing about the mpg, even she admits it isnt that fast - and this from someone who has been driving a 2litre TDI Shalgambra for the last 6 years.

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GitHub jammed by injected JavaScript, servers whacked by DDoS

Ian Emery
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Re: Can GitHub take China to court in the WTO?

Baidu is one of the default webpages on the Chinese language version of Windows, so is installed and used by millions of Chinese ethnic people around the world.

My wife has been trying to force her copy to use Google.co.uk, so she can make local searches, but it keeps going back to .cn alternatives.

To this day I am unsure if the cheap - "Chinese only" versions of WinXP, Vista and Win7, are a genuine Microsoft product or a Chinese government project to help control of their own population (I bought SWMBO WinXP and Win7 disks for £1 each in 2010)

Likewise, the locals are told to use the 360 browser because it is safer - it is a malware loaded POS - basically a clone of IE with Chinese government spyware included.

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Scientists splice mammoth genes into unsuspecting elephant

Ian Emery
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Trollface

Re: Cool

How long before Iceland is selling horsemeat under the "MammothBurger" name??

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Winning a brand new BOFH T-Shirt is as simple as...

Ian Emery
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Facepalm

A clean desk is a sign of a sick mind

I said this to my boss once.

I just wish someone had warned me he had spent 18 months locked in a padded room a few years before.

(NOT a Joke Alert)

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Windows 10 build 10041: 99 bugs on the wall, fix a bug, add a feature, 114 bugs on the wall

Ian Emery
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Windows

Why do I have the sudden sinking feeling that.....

Win10 is going to make Win8 look good.

(Icon for old codger STILL using XP)

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Internet Explorer LIVES ON, cackle sneaky Microsoft engineers

Ian Emery
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Trollface

"even the name has been picked to suggest simplicity, speed and hardiness."

Perhaps they should also rename IE - so the name reflects ITS features.

I suggest "Arthritic Sloth"

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Our Endless Numbered Days, Junk DNA and Exotic England

Ian Emery
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The first book sounds suspitously like a true story I remember

Just the names and locations changed.

As for long, boring reads with interesting titles, Try "The Fishing Fleet - Husband Hunting in the Raj"

Not one of them gets bagged and displayed as a trophy on the wall.

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Bride legs it from wedding after groom proves unable to add up

Ian Emery
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FAIL

Not only no IT angle, but old news, all the main news sites covered this story nearly a week ago.

BTW, "Watched Five Children and IT" with my daughter yesterday; REALLY upset at the complete lack of IT equipment; what were they thinking of when coming up with the title??

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Data centre dangers: Killing a tree and exploding a UPS

Ian Emery
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I used to have a job taking care of a distribution warehouse system running on a 100A board - over rated to 300A.

The feed cable used to regularly burn the paint off of the wall.

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Pi(e) Day of the Century is upon us! Time to celebrate 3/14/15 in style, surely?

Ian Emery
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Trollface

I was thinking of saying "Stupid Yanks"

But everybody already knows that.

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Mattel urged to scrap Wi-Fi mic Barbie after Register investigation

Ian Emery
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Paris Hilton

WHY??

Barbie doesnt need to give an intelligent answer; I mean who REALLY pays attention to what someone is actually saying if they are a pretty blonde with big t1ts???

PAris, cos there are rumours she cant count beyond 10 without taking her shoes and socks off.

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Diablo fingered in offensive ASCII art trial doc shock

Ian Emery
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Facepalm

Not being offensive

Just counting to four in binary.

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Litecoin-mining code found in BitTorrent app, freeloaders hit the roof

Ian Emery
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"STUPID fREETARD HERE"

Running the latest version of uTorrent and no sign of Epic Scale on my system - most disappointed.

Thanks to previous posters for offering alternatives, I have recently become hacked off by all the adverts and flashy cr@p spoiling my experiences. Sadly this happens to all good freeware eventually, free-good, free-OK, free-flashy-crappy-ads-everywhere.

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UK spaceport, phase two: Now where do we PUT the bleeding thing?

Ian Emery
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Re: we don't build large rockets. Or small rockets. Or any rockets.

Yes we do.

http://www.starchaser.co.uk/

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Win! El Reg exceedingly fine mug collection

Ian Emery
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Megaphone

Black, White or Green???

What happened to Red????

Yorkshire tea USED to be my favourite tipple before I discovered red tea.

PS, I think the megaphone should be replaced by a Brian Blessed icon!

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Ian Emery
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Headmaster

Re: FTW

That would be tea from India or China would it??

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Tulsa woman bludgeons man mercilessly with laptop

Ian Emery
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He is still alive

SO it wasnt a Panasonic Toughbook

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Lenovo: We SWEAR we're done with bloatware, adware and scumware

Ian Emery
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Facepalm

I suspect Lenovo forgot.

Forgot they were dealing with people outside of China that is.

If you look at Chinese software, it is packed with bloatware and Chinese government spyware; dont believe me? Go download and compare the QQ International and Chinese language versions; the Chinese version comes loaded with so much crap it BROKE the brand new budget PC it was loaded on; the PC slowed down to the speed on a P50 running Vista until many arduous hours were spent manually removing all of the crap that was installed alongside the QQ IM program.

(Hours because of how slow the PC became, running at normal speeds it would have taken minutes!!)

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RIP Leonard Nimoy: He lived long and prospered

Ian Emery
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Getting OLD !!

All my childhood heroes are dead or dying.

Farewell Leonard, good luck on the last great adventure.

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Don't pay for the BBC? Then no Doctor Who for you, I'm afraid

Ian Emery
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Facepalm

Re: Worth every penny...

Downvoters are obviously too young to know this is a quote from the same comedy sketch Blowhard quoted further up this thread. (NTNOCN)

If switching to a CA system, will this mean I can watch Dr Who on iPlayer when I am in China, and not have to BT it a few days later??

(The "D'oh" is for people not knowing classic comedy when it is quoted at them).

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P0wned plug-in puts a million WordPress sites at risk of attack

Ian Emery
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FAIL

Asking the big questions.....

Is WordPress the New Microsoft??

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