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* Posts by Ian Emery

610 posts • joined 9 Aug 2007

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DAYS from end of life as we know it: Boffins tell of solar storm near-miss

Ian Emery
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Angel

Re: EMP and nuclear meltdown...

I suspect there would be a glut of "Glow in the Dark" men (and women); would they count as super heros??

Very useful if I want to read a (paper) book at night.

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Ian Emery
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Re: Odds?

ANd how would we power these old PCs?? The grid is entirely controlled by computers these days.

BTW, the US grid is ancient and falling apart, so it at least could do with some major upgrading; perhaps this report has that in mind.

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Ian Emery
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Mushroom

Would a tin foil hat help??

We're DOOOOMED I tell ya, DOOOOMED.

(The nearest we have to a solar pimple icon)

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Captain Kirk sets phaser to SLAUGHTER after trying new Facebook app

Ian Emery
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Re: I object

Could someone at Reg central do a tote up and see if I am in "Negative Equity" yet??

PS Run out of Romulan ale, now have a choice between Synth-ale and my own pi$$

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Ian Emery
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Windows

Re: Downvote explained ...

Hey, I didnt say I didnt like the guy, or his "performance", he just cant ACT.

(Wow, I have never had so many thumbs, in fact my "Down" total for that post may exceed my lifetime "Up" total!!!!).

Goes and cries into his Romulan Ale

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Ian Emery
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Paris Hilton

I object

to your calling Shatner an "Actor".

Anyone who has seen Star Trek TOS, or any of his films will attest that he cant act his way out of a paper bag.

(His later acting jobs seem to show a suspicious improvement in acting ability - in line with improvements in CGI technology!!)

(Paris is saying "William who??)

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Mozilla fixes CRITICAL security holes in Firefox, urges v31 upgrade

Ian Emery
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Still holding out at v28

I am not worried, I do most of my math using my fingers.

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Orange spent weekend spamming customers with TXTs

Ian Emery
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Boffin

Re: Free , not for you it's not

How about those Orange members who are overseas?? I can remember receiving a text costing me £1.50 while I was in China, so this would soon rack up a HUGE bill.

Boffin Icon because we all need to know .....

How much interest will Orange/EE earn before refunding everyone's money??

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Say goodbye to landfill Android: Top 10 cheap 'n' cheerful smartphones

Ian Emery
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I cant match a $35 Indian phone

But my £60, (fake), Octacore Lenovo P780 is pretty good for the money (the Prestigio looks suspiciously like it).

The only thing it really lacks is GPS (it claims to have it, but it doesnt work).

1GB RAM

8GB internal storage

uSB slot

Works as USB storage device

Front and rear cameras (not wonderful quality, but I own a DLSR for taking photos).

Best of all, unlike many touch screen devices, it actually works for me (I have very dry skin)

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Diary note: Pluto's close-up is a year from … now!

Ian Emery
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Alien

To boldly go

It also contains the names of lots of space nuts (including my son's). I must remind him he has nearly arrived.

(OK, I am the space nut, getting his name on the space craft was a birthday gift).

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Will GCHQ furtle this El Reg readers' poll? Team Snowden suggests: Yes

Ian Emery
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Black Helicopters

Why werent the correct answer boxes "pre ticked for my convenience"??

Hmm, whats that noise.......

IT'S A HELICOPTER,,,,,,,,, but it is ok, the chopper is orange in colour.

HOLD ON!! ISN'T ORANGE THE NEW BL.............

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We SO DO support Java on XP, maybe even JDK 8, says Oracle

Ian Emery
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Joke

"Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet."

A handy piece of advice from Sir Winston Churchill's twitter feed.

Joke Alert - for those still protesting at a certain film maker killing an innocent triceratops while on safari.

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Watch: DARPA shows off first successful test of STEERABLE bullet

Ian Emery
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Facepalm

Bugger !!

Now the US can kill allied troops even when they are hiding around corners.

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Space geeks' resurrected NASA Sun probe ISEE-3 now on collision course with THE MOON

Ian Emery
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We need the Vulture space salvage ship*

Good luck guys, space nuts everywhere are rooting for you.

*Anyone remember THAT series??

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The Windows 8 dilemma: Win 8 or wait for 9?

Ian Emery
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Alien

Re: Time for some truly revolutionary GUIs?

Its OK, some of us got the Trekkie joke the first time around.

Assume the others are muggles.

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FAKE Google web SSL certificates tip-toe out from Indian authorities

Ian Emery
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FAIL

Hacked??

More likely a bung offered and accepted.

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Standby consumes MORE POWER THAN CANADA: IEA

Ian Emery
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The IEA have no credibility due to their repeated over-inflation of power consumption costs by at least a factor of ten in most, if not all cases.

My guess is they pick the most power hungry (ancient) model in each category and then "cost" it using the price of the most expensive electricity on the planet.

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Big Java security fixes on the way – but not so fast, Windows XP users

Ian Emery
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Java???

I thought only dodgy porn sites still used it.

I browse with it switched off, and rarely find the need to enable it.

(WinXP user)

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We need to talk about SPEAKERS: Sorry, 'audiophiles', only IT will break the sound barrier

Ian Emery
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Coat

I knew what was going to be said as soon as the statement about CD sound being perfect was uttered.

There will NEVER be such a thing as a perfect speaker because of several factors; the main two being :-

1/ Everyones hearing is different - and even that changes over time; I could hear 25KHz as a 20 something, and can still hear 22Khz at nearly 50.

2/ Everyones tastes are different.

The path to digital perfect has been one of alienation for many; modern recordings sound sterile and lifeless compared with a scratchy old recording from the 1960's, even when compressed into mp3 format; perfect doesnt mean better, if it did there would only be ONE recording of every piece of classical music for starters!!!

I listen almost exclusively to mp3 format these days - because my baby daughter cannot be trusted near an expensive HiFi.

I am always trying out new artists, but when it comes to the choice between a modern recording of a classical piece or a Jazz standard, and an old re-coded one, the old one nearly always wins.

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Xiaomi: Hidden Android dragon is growing fast, despite being unknown in the West

Ian Emery
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Pint

I own a Chinese phone, it does everything a smart phone should at a fraction of the price of a Western phone, plus it came with a lot of extras that a Western phone maker charges for - protective case, screen protector, car charger, headphone dust plug, keyboard pen, dual SIM, uSD USB adapter ....

Mines a pint of Pearl River please!!!

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Windows 7, XP and even Vista GAIN market share again

Ian Emery
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Boffin

Back in the old days.......

I have been building PCs for family and friends (and work) since Win95 was KING, in that time nearly every OS has been tried (except Vista).

My personal experience has been :-

Win98 - an Improvement.

98SE - ditto

ME - SE with some interesting new features, but lack of driver support.

XP - A little buggy at first, but head and shoulders above the rest, even if the underlying code still allows exes originally written for Win3.1 !!

7 - M$ attempt at an Apple OS - looks and feels great, but frustrating when something doesnt work and it WONT let you tinker without a fight.

8.1 - Without a touch screen it is painful to use, weird inconsistencies to how it switches between PC and tablet screens, nothing old works, even more restrictive than 7 (more like an unrooted Droid phone).

Worst of all, M$ seem to have got sooo desperate to shift boxes, they are allowing it to be put on devices that are far too weedy for it to work properly; a friend recently bought a Tosh laptop, (no touch screen), and it was soooo slloooowwww I though he had already picked up some malware on it.

I do mean REALLY slow, I have an old Asus EEEPC901 running XP/Win7 that responds faster when running in battery saver mode, although I will admit the 901 SSD has been replaced with a faster "Patriot" SSD

BTW.

I think touch screens are easier to understand and use - in the same way a Fisher Price Cassette Player is easier to use than a Linn/Naim set-up - my 17 month old daughter has already mastered the iPhone and Lenovo P780 smart phones.

PS, I suspect XP is hanging around because there is so much sturdy, reliable office gear around that the manufacturers refuse to issue Win7/Win8 drivers for; I am talking to YOU HP !!!!! I bought a new office printer mere MONTHS before Win7 came out, yet you have NEVER produced proper drivers for it, so if I use it on a Win7 box I lose double-sided printing, collating, calibration, wireless connectivity, ...........

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LG drops G3 quad HD Android mobe with FRIGGIN' LASER camera

Ian Emery
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WTF?

Ré Power/Volume Buttons

I presume those photos were taken after vigorous scrubbing of the lens cover - as it is going to be covered in grubby finger marks from trying to feel for the right button right next to it.

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USB charger is prime suspect in death of Australian woman

Ian Emery
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Re: Two problems:

I argued against the CE mark system when it was proposed as a replacement for the Kite Mark.

Under the old system, items were sent away to a government regulated testing centre.

Under the CE system the MAKER just has to say it has been tested and is OK, there is no requirement for an external test lab to look at it until it blows up and kills someone.

So it is no good saying it is the Chinese makers faking a CE certificate - ALL CE certificate are worthless.

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Ian Emery
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Facepalm

Re: Mr Emery

The "wallwart" charger was plugged into the socket next to my bed - and from there the cable goes to my mp3 player - which lives under the bed and feeds Buddhist chanting into my MP3 pillow.

Your inference of ignorance on my part is amusing - seeing as I am an ex-sparky whose equipment is installed on a number of HM nuclear submarines.

(The icon is for you)

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Ian Emery
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Pint

I bought a cheap usb PSU from a UK trader who shall remain nameless; it worked for ~10 hours then exploded - throwing the USB cable half way across the room and nearly causing me to wet the bed!!!.

That aint BEER in my glass.

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Today in IT news: iPad Fleshlight a reality

Ian Emery
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Angel

Confused

So you stick something tubular in it to hold the tablet steady while you spank the monkey????

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Patch looks like Microsoft FAIL, quacks like FAIL, is actually quite good

Ian Emery
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Re: In other words

A proof of concept attack was reported on El Reg some months ago; now if only I could be arsed to remember the link.

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Ian Emery
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In other words

Someone has figured out how to spoof the M$ update system to install malware on your PC device.

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Creepy battery-operated TEDDY BEAR SEX TOY. Sadly, this is for real

Ian Emery
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"Bring back the vibrating Harry Potter wand" I say!!!

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Splash! Three times as much water as ALL of Earth's oceans found TRAPPED underground

Ian Emery
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Paris Hilton

Free Energy

But how deep do I have to run my pipe to power my leccy generating steam turbine??

Paris, because I would love to get hot and steamy with her, even if she is dumber than a box of frogs.

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High power computing and awesome Chinese food? Sign me up!

Ian Emery
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Dont Drink the Water

and avoid the seafood as well.

In fact, dont even use the water to brush your teeth; this time of year there are more bugs than actual water in the pipes.

Guangzhou, you can smell the toilets from 7 miles off shore - even though it is over 100 miles inland!!!!

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Entering the Dragon: A little data from Big China

Ian Emery
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Windows

You will rarely see a building over 20 years old in ANY part of China, they have usually fallen down by then. I have photos of my MiLs apartment block taken in 2011 - built in 1998 - it looked as if it was about to fall down, and it has now been demolished.

"New" apartment and shopping complexes look "old" after about a year; one new shopping complex that was not even finished when I visited in 2008 was already 1/2 empty and semi derelict when I returned in 2011, and my SiLs brand new apartment building in 2011 (again, the top 10 floors werent even finished at the time), looked 10 years old when I went back in 2012.

PS, it wasnt just us forcing "Trade Concessions"' France, Italy and Prussia also had large swathes of mainland China under their control.

PPS, the "One Child" rule only ever affected about 40% of China's population (poor city dwellers and people on the parties $hit list), and "Economic Development Zones" like Shenzhen are entirely exempt.

(That's me with a can of "Pearl River" lager - yummy stuff!!!)

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IT'S ALIVE! ISEE-3 responding to commands

Ian Emery
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Thumb Up

Bravo to them, and "Shame on You" to NASA who TWOCK'ed it then threw away the equipment needed to recover it.

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iDevice gizmo-snatcher Oleg... you must be taking the Pliss

Ian Emery
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Boffin

Here is an idea, perhaps "Oleg" reported the problem to Apple and was ignored, so set this all up to force Apple to fix the issue.

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World's first ever Nobel Prize winning integrated circuit to be auctioned

Ian Emery
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Joke

Question

Can it blend??

Joke alert, because so many people seem to have NO sense of humour!!

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Real, hovering SPEEDER BIKE can be YOURS for cheaper than a house

Ian Emery
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The ugliest looking thing since........

Sorry, even the Fiat Multi-blurgh!! wasnt THAT ugly.

It looks like a running shoe for masochists.

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Apple, Google: WE SURRENDER ... to each other in patent war truce

Ian Emery
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WTF?

Isnt it a bit late

For an April Fools joke??

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Ian Emery
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Re: eh

$120 million didnt even cover their legal fees in the case.

But they did get a few billion last year, so probably are "break-even" over the last 5 years of litigation.

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Xiaomi launches Mi Pad fondleslablette – your (legal) move, Apple

Ian Emery
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AC Jokes about buying one, I wont.

Any links to proposed specs??

I am out in China again soon, and may buy one just to wind up some iSheeple I know.

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Amazon granted patent for taking photos against a white background – seriously

Ian Emery
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Alien

I have a patent on corporeal being.

So if you are not a ghost, please send the £50 licensing fee for yourself and any animals you own to the following address .....

Captain Cretin

The Starship Astral Princess

Clarke Orbit

Earth

Sol

Milky Way

Sorry, I can never remember the Post Code, I remember it ends ZZPluralZ.

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Cold War spy aircraft CRASHED Los Angeles' air traffic control

Ian Emery
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"ERAM is a $2.1bn scheme to overhaul the systems which help air traffic controllers manage high altitude flights. It started in 2002 and was supposed to be installed in 20 "en route" facilities by 2010. However, software problems were identified [PDF] and this goal was not met."

It is not being done under a UK PFI deal by any chance???

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SCOTUS asked to overturn patent-troll's charter

Ian Emery
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Mushroom

Re: Patent Trolls....

We are talking lawyers, so chopping the remains up and them stomping on them will also be required.

If you want to be really sure, sprinkling a mix of weed killer, napalm, and holy water on the squished remnants would probably be a good idea.

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GOV.UK push in action: Er, FEWER Brits filling out govt forms online

Ian Emery
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Mushroom

HM Borders & Immigration gets my goat up.

To apply for residency you have to take the "LiUK" test; to do this you must first set up a user account with B&I, so you can book the test.

When you have passed the test you then need to book your visa application appointment; to do this you HAVE TO SET UP A NEW AND ENTIRELY DIFFERENT USER ACCOUNT ON THE SAME FECKING WEBSITE!!!

I also get annoyed with local government websites that only work properly with IE 6 or older (trying to pay a parking ticket in Shrewsbury a couple of years ago).

Finally, a little sympathy for our country's registrars, who have to enter various information on births, deaths and marriages into a system that is totally SCREWED!!.

My wife, being Chinese, has her family name first, when you come to select this option (after entering a dozen or so pages of information), the system throws a fit, deletes all the info, and sends you back to the beginning!!!

(Trying to get a certificate of non impediment, so we could get married).

Still, at least these departments have figured out how to USE the internet - unlike the Foreign Office!!

While waiting in China for my wife's entry visa interview, we received a call from the Consulate, asking her to "attend as soon as possible".

We jumped on the next train, and a mere 18 hours later we arrived at the UK Consulate and were handed an envelope; inside the envelope was a letter asking her to attend her interview the following week!!!!!!

NUKE!!, cos that is what the UK Guangzhou Consulate officials need shoving up their collective arses!!!

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Firefox, is that you? Version 29 looks rather like a certain shiny rival

Ian Emery
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FAIL

This is bad

it is almost enough to force me back to reading newspapers!!!

(FF locked into v28 - I learned not to auto-update ANYTHING a while back!!)

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Lost artworks by Andy Warhol found on 80s-era FLOPPY DISKS

Ian Emery
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I still have a number of magazine freebie disks that contained files for Amiga, Atari and PC, so I am certain that even if the Amiga did use variable speed drives (I dont think so), it would only require a software program to read the raw data and convert it.

(A500 (with 1MB vRAM hack), and 200MB HDD/2MB RAM sidekick in loft (+hundreds of disks), waiting for collectors prices to rise).

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Watch out! KILLER HP firmware update bricks ProLiant server mobos

Ian Emery
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Meh

Deja Vu

A Win7 mega Tuesday contained an update that bricked the mobo based nics AND bjorked the wifi cards in 3 Gigabyte boards I (used to), own. I managed to fit pci nics and get the boards working again for about a year, but I never managed to get any make of wifi card to work, and eventually ditched the boards and bought Asus.

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Red-faced LOHAN team 'fesses up in blown SPEARS fuse fiasco

Ian Emery
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Joke

Optional Joke

I though Lohan was a ginger, so how did you a have a blonde moment????

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Five-year-old discovers Xbox password bug, hacks dad's Live account

Ian Emery
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Re: INFANT?

Tell my why a 17 y/o is called a child in the UK, even though they can drive a car, have babies and join the Army.

(The answer is - governments are stupid, but they set the laws).

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Too late, Blighty! Samsung boffins claim breakthrough graphene manufacturing success

Ian Emery
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Alien

Re: The Fountains of Paradise.

Its about time someone mentioned the most useful application; Korea is quite near to the equator.......

[Doors closing] "Floor 1 million please".

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O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! Friday is Pi Day

Ian Emery
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Trollface

Silly Yanks; cant even get their days and months the right way round.

(REMEMBER 11/9 DISASTER??)

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