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* Posts by Ian Emery

655 posts • joined 9 Aug 2007

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Driving with an Apple Watch could land you with a £100 FINE

Ian Emery
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Mission Creep

How long before they start doing you for looking at normal analogue watch??

Cant eat, drink or use a phone, but somehow, fiddling about with, lighting, and waving around a burning cylinder of toxic weeds is still fine and dandy.

BTW I saw a "hands free" Citroen in Malvern yesterday.

Female "driver" with both hands off of the wheel and fiddling with her phone; staring down into her lap and heading straight towards a crowded school crossing. Somehow no one was hit, but only because the children got out of the way in time.

Call the Police?? Her word against mine as to why, assuming they could be bothered to do anything.

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'Windows 9' LEAK: Microsoft's playing catchup with Linux

Ian Emery
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Trollface

Re: Meeeh

I am fairly certain this was a feature on the abacus back in 1527BC.

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Every billionaire needs a PANZER TANK, right? STOP THERE, Paul Allen

Ian Emery
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Joke

Back to the original story

Just get an old 1970's Volvo and paint it in camo; the (Yank) tourists will never be able to tell the difference.

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Get your Indian Landfill Android One handsets - they're only SIXTY QUID

Ian Emery
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MOST IMPORTANT!!!!!!!

Will they be available in a range of curry flavoured cases???

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Boffins say they've got Lithium batteries the wrong way around

Ian Emery
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Joke

Cutting up charged batteries

I await the next, explosive instalment.

Joke Alert, because some people are just so.... GERMAN!!!

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Chinese city creates footpath for smartphone addicts

Ian Emery
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FAIL

“Someone even parked a car on the sidewalk”

I am guessing this was written by someone who hasnt spent ANY time in mainland China; coming out of your apartment on the 15th floor, you look left and right for oncoming scooters!!!

Bikes, cars, buses, coaches, lorries, rickshaws, etc, will use any and every flattish ground to make progress, wrong side of a dual carriageway?? never mind, just ring your bell/sound your horn a lot!!!

More than once the bus I was on decided to cut through a pedestrian shopping precinct to avoid a particularly contentious set of traffic lights (not sure why they have them though, nobody pays them any attention).

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SanDisk's record-busting 512GB SD CARD will fit perfectly in your empty wallet

Ian Emery
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Windows

Feeling old

I can still remember the excitement of finding 2x 10MB Amiga HDDs mixed up on a pallet of bubblejet printers at a Kays stock disposal, so getting them for only £140 each instead of the full price of £399.99 each.

Gin flavoured "Health Tonic" of course.

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Apple's ONE LESS THING: the iPod Classic disappears

Ian Emery
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Sansa Clip charging and playing at the same time

I have two Clip+ and they both charge and play at the same time; perhaps your Clip is defective/Chinese knock-off.

The ONLY players I have come across in recent years that wont play when charging ARE cheap Chinese knock-offs.

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Ian Emery
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Thumb Up

iPod sound not so hot

I can confirm that, a friend bought one and was showing off - letting everyone have a listen; when my turn came I listened - then gave him my cheap £40 player to listen to......

The shame was so great he went to live in France!!!!

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BONEHEAD FANBOIS encamp outside Apple Stores

Ian Emery
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Joke

Being paid to...

.... sit on your arse and do nothing for weeks on end.

Sounds like a government job to me!!!!!!

Because taking the pi$$ out of fanbois is always so much fun.

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Google recommends pronounceable passwords

Ian Emery
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Re: Am I the only one using something like KeePass?

Isnt that the website that went down for a couple of days last month?? Locking all their users out of everything?? GOOD ONE!!!!

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Ian Emery
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密码

Will this do???

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Dodgy Norton update borks UNDEAD XP systems

Ian Emery
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As long as...

M$ offer free security updates to my XP [cough] POS[cough] install, the AV producers should not have an issue keeping THEIR products working correctly.

btw, Norton software has been appallingly bad for almost as long as McAffes.

PS I am still unsure if POS stands for "Point of Sale" or "Piece of Shit", in relation to M$ products.

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Thieves steal more iPhones than any other handset, warns UK government

Ian Emery
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Boffin

I seem to remember

From last week - A report saying thieves were more interested in Android phones than iPhones.

From last year - A report saying IMEI is easily circumvented.

Ré reporting a phone stolen when broken - more likely reported when the non removable battery starts to die; although Apple seem to be attempting to stop this by releasing a new model JUST as the battery is due to fail in the old model (assuming you bought it on launch day).

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Jony Ive: Apple iWatch will SCREW UP Switzerland's economy

Ian Emery
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$3 Chinese Rolex

I would like to complain loudly about the negative attitudes to Chinese knock-off the author has expressed.

I own a $3 Chinese Rolex, and as I sit here - at 3:40pm on the 13th of June 1967, I can tell you there are every bit as as good as the real thing.

OK seriously; I have a millionaire friend who owns a real Rolex AND a Chinese knock-off; he wears the knock-off most of the time because it KEEPS better time than the real thing.

If a Rolex is so good, why didnt his last ex wife want it as part of her £5.5 million divorce settlement??

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CNN 'tech analyst' on NAKED CELEBS: WHO IS this mystery '4chan' PERSON?

Ian Emery
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Boffin

DOH!!!!

I set my password as "incorrect", that way, if I get it wrong, a pop-up gives me the correct answer.

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BBC: We're going to slip CODING into kids' TV

Ian Emery
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Re: Teaching children *how* to think...

Not going to happen, even the "Degree" course for pre school teachers is indoctrination rather than learning - along the lines of :- " Yes, these are all only theories, but no, you cannot question them".

One of the reasons I walked out less than a year in.......

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Ian Emery
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Facepalm

Re: The kid I saw on the BBC News this morning...

I think you are VASTLY under-estimating the average level of stupidity.

Please remember that the national Lottery have TWICE had to remove a series of scratch cards because too many people did not know that MINUS 18C is less than MINUS 16C when comparing temperatures.

I also know of someone who managed to force Sky into cancelling their internet service because the routers WiFi broadcast did not transfer the data at the FULL 300Mbps speed (they only had a "G" spec card in the PC).

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Ian Emery
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Childcatcher

Re: Oh crap.

My son was about two when I caught him taking a live socket apart using my electric screw driver, and the BED apart with a socket wrench.

I caught my daughter dragging my large drill/driver around and trying it out on sockets at NINE MONTHS!!

She is nineteen months now, and has already discovered a keyboard short-cut to delete all my bookmarks, as well as a number of other weird effects.

Oh, and randomly pushed number on mummies iPhone called someone in CANADA!!

(She hasnt figured out the unlock on my Android phone .....yet)

Anyway, I look forwards to Old Jack hacking the NSA from the safety of the Rainbow, or Makka Pakka writing a spreadsheet for his stone collection.

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iCloud fiasco: 100 FAMOUS WOMEN exposed NUDE online

Ian Emery
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Boffin

Celebs get upset because ........

These photos show them as real people, not as the flawlessly bodied beings photoshop and their agents like to portray.

BTW.

In a world where someone announces their uncle has prostitute cancer, colleague and college are spelt nearly the same = coleege/coledge.

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Ian Emery
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Alien

Re: Jennifer Lawrence, Kate Upton and Ariana Grande

I thought Ariana Grande was a big new space rocket.

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Ninja Pirate Zombie Vampires versus Chuck Norris and the Space Marines

Ian Emery
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Pint

Re: No Commander Shepard / mixed bag of aliens on the winning side?

If we are talking of C J Cherryh characters, then we are back to heavily armed CATS again!!!!

(The Pride of Chanur).

Make mine a catnip please.

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Oz fed police in PDF redaction SNAFU

Ian Emery
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Trollface

Re: Not the same bunch that didn't realize shared servers on one IP?

"You're the cream of the crop!""

ALL THE CLOTS!!!!!!

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China building SUPERSONIC SUBMARINE that travels in a BUBBLE

Ian Emery
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Happy

So does this mean...

.... I can now order take out from my favourite Guangzhou Restaurants and expect it to still be hot when delivered to my UK home???

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6 Obvious Reasons Why Facebook Will Ban This Article (Thank God)

Ian Emery
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Meh

The Third Way

Dont have a Facebook account.

Dont have a Twitter account

Dont have a Linkdin account

Dont have a Reddit account

Use NoScript to block Facebook, Twitter, Linkdin, Reddit and Google (amongst others)

Unblock Google when it is needed to make a page work.

It works for me; but then I get enough inane drivel directed at me by the women I have to work with, and I havent found a way to block them yet.

(Soaps, soaps, Orlando Bloom, soaps, make-up, soaps, babies, Christian Bale, soaps.....)

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BBC goes titsup: iPlayer to News websites down – Auntie working to fix it

Ian Emery
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You think??

Still trying to figure out how that would take down the entire BBC network; it is just as likely the BBC server farm is run on a pre-payment meter and the boss forgot to load it with 50p coins before going off for the weekend.

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Cracking copyright law: How a simian selfie stunt could make a monkey out of Wikipedia

Ian Emery
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Pint

So basically...

All this article does is tell us what we already know, a certain Mr Wales is an arse.

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Shoot-em-up: Sony Online Entertainment hit by 'large scale DDoS attack'

Ian Emery
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The BBC also

I am getting "500" errors on all the various BBC web pages I have tried to visit this evening.

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Vampires and Ninjas versus the Alien Jedi Robot Pirates: It's ON

Ian Emery
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Paris Hilton

KITTEH!!!!!

Preferably cute and heavily armed !!!!

Paris, the nearest we have to a cute fluffy furball.

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Microsoft refuses to nip 'Windows 9' unzip lip slip

Ian Emery
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Alien

Re: Underwhelmed

You mean copying Apple??

Regarding the queues of fanbois waiting in line for their new shiny toy - hasnt this got something to do with the fact the non replaceable battery in each phone lasts almost EXACTLY the same amount of time between Apple iPhone releases???

I think we should be told.

Alien, after all Apple execs are from another planet!!!!

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The Register to boldly go where no Vulture has gone before: The WEEKEND

Ian Emery
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Pint

Excellent

Another excuse I can offer up to SWMBO for not doing the gardening.

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Caught red-handed: UK cops, PCSOs, specials behaving badly… on social media

Ian Emery
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Devil

"Fuzz" is too fluffy

We all know they are gits, so call them something harder - like "Rozzers"

Icon, the nearest, but not as nasty equivalent of the modern Rozzer.

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Cops baffled by riddle of CHICKEN who crossed ROAD

Ian Emery
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Optional

Well, we all know the elephant crossed the road to make a trunk call, so I suspect that the chicken crossed because it was stapled to the elephant.

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Detroit losing MILLIONS because it buys CHEAP BATTERIES – report

Ian Emery
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Re: @ Ian Emery (was: Smoke Alarms....)

Pretty much everything has been said, low current load, warning siren when it is down to 50% level (the other 50% is reserved to keep the siren going every 2 minutes for the next 6 months)......

OH!

BTW,

I am a electronics tech (retired), with kit I've built fitted to HM Hunter-Killer subs amongst other places; and two Queens Awards (one for Technology and one for Exports).

No icon - you dont seem to have a "smug git" one.

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Ian Emery
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Coat

Smoke Alarms....

I'll change to branded batteries the day I find the temperature in my house has fallen below minus twenty Celsius.

Fleece lined coat - natch.

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Top Gun display for your CAR: Heads-up fighter pilot tech

Ian Emery
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Re: uh, no

Give me Hellfires, according to an old flight sim at least, you can target slow moving aircraft like choppers as well as ground targets.

Ré GPS on mountains, the speed readings would be a bit out, but as long as you werent hard up against the north rock face, you should still be able to see the odd GPS sat.

The GPS on my Asus tablet is a bit poor, but the only time I lost the signal today, while driving around the centre of Brum, was in Debenhams carpark; I dont even remember losing it the last time the Queensway tunnel was open.

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Lenovo posts an INCREASE in desktop PC and notebook sales

Ian Emery
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Happy

Not always cheaper, better made

I own a bit of Lenovo kit, I havent ever bought a whole system from them though, what attracts me is the QUALITY.

The Lenovo keyboards and mice I have are the BEST I have ever had the pleasure of using - regardless of price, my only gripe is the "Caps Lock" key being a tad too close to the "A".

Even my baby daughter has failed to kill my keyboard, despite walking all over it (and a bit of stomping).

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Fifteen countries KO'd in malware one-two punch

Ian Emery
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Joke

I blame the French and illegal immigrants.

(Sorry, I must have overdosed on The Daily Mail).

Because there is ALWAYS one.............

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Samsung Galaxy Tab S 8.4: 4G Android tablet is easy to swallow

Ian Emery
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Big Brother

Elephant in the room

Is the battery replaceable??

(Everything else sounds great, although dual sim would be nice).

In light of the GCHQ revelations, I am surprised El Reg hasnt removed all the other icons.

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Microsoft: Just what the world needs – a $25 Nokia dumbphone

Ian Emery
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Coat

Re: Think of the kids

This is the perfect phone for NURSERY WORKERS.

Following all the paranoia from certain sex abuse cases, we arent allowed to have our phones switched on at work - in case we take abusive photos of the kiddies; so a camera-less phone like this would be ideal for being contactable in a family emergency.

(The landline is a no-no as the manager is always hogging it)

Mines the one with crayon on the back, and baby-sick on the shoulder.

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London cops cuff 20-year-old man for unblocking blocked websites

Ian Emery
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Big Brother

Re: Well....

It actually only applies to the few "BIG" ISP's; anyone with less than a certain number of subscribers (1million???), doesnt have to implement the block, so I can go visit the P1r@t3 B@y any time I want.

Weirdly, the ONLY website I cannot access is a perfectly legitimate US radio streaming service that now seems to be blocked in the UK; I can access the website, but not any of the streams, despite being a subscriber for many years.

Orwell didnt know the half if it!!!

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Researcher snaps a Zeus hacker's photo through his webcam

Ian Emery
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Joke

Cylon??

Or at least a close cousin based on the swishing light where the eyes should be.

Joke Alert, in case there is anyone of German descent reading this.

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Love in the time of the GPS sees chap propose with Google Map

Ian Emery
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Trollface

As usual

the woman has clearer bike writing.

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Microsoft KILLS Windows 8.1 Update 2 and Patch Tuesday

Ian Emery
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Black Helicopters

If I am reading this correctly......

the author is suggesting that Win9 will probably be Win8.1 SP1.

In which case I might be sticking with XP for longer than I expected!!!!

(Still updating nicely since adding the "POS" entry to the registry)

(I always assumed "POS" stood for "Piece of sh.....................................................

CONNECTION TERMINATED

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NASA tests crazytech flying saucer thruster, could reach Mars in days

Ian Emery
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Re: Turn around point

That is assuming they manage to do all their calculations using the same measurement system - Metric OR Imperial - and not a bit of each !!!!

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DAYS from end of life as we know it: Boffins tell of solar storm near-miss

Ian Emery
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Angel

Re: EMP and nuclear meltdown...

I suspect there would be a glut of "Glow in the Dark" men (and women); would they count as super heros??

Very useful if I want to read a (paper) book at night.

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Ian Emery
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Re: Odds?

ANd how would we power these old PCs?? The grid is entirely controlled by computers these days.

BTW, the US grid is ancient and falling apart, so it at least could do with some major upgrading; perhaps this report has that in mind.

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Ian Emery
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Mushroom

Would a tin foil hat help??

We're DOOOOMED I tell ya, DOOOOMED.

(The nearest we have to a solar pimple icon)

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Captain Kirk sets phaser to SLAUGHTER after trying new Facebook app

Ian Emery
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Re: I object

Could someone at Reg central do a tote up and see if I am in "Negative Equity" yet??

PS Run out of Romulan ale, now have a choice between Synth-ale and my own pi$$

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Mozilla fixes CRITICAL security holes in Firefox, urges v31 upgrade

Ian Emery
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Still holding out at v28

I am not worried, I do most of my math using my fingers.

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