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* Posts by Ian Emery

664 posts • joined 9 Aug 2007

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Coming to a theater near you: the TETRIS MOVIE

Ian Emery
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Still waiting for the Trilogy

TIC!!

TAK!!

TOE!!!!!!!!!

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DVLA website GOES TITSUP on day paper car tax discs retire

Ian Emery
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FAIL

I have a different problem

(And one that probably affects a fair few other people as well).

Having been overseas for a while, and my car off the road (just before SORN required valid insurance), I came back to the UK on New Years Eve and got my tax AND INSURANCE started for Jan 1st.

Now, the system wont allow you to TAX your car if you do not have valid insurance on the day the tax disc starts; but equally, the insurance companies dont inform the DVLA of your NEW policy until 24-48 hours after it starts.

In other words, I cant tax my car until Jan 4th at the earliest even though the old tax expires on Dec 31st.

Now on the one hand, I am not supposed to drive my car during those 4 days, but equally, the buggers are going to have the MONEY for those 4 days anyway !!!

Fail because... well, it was a GOVERNMENT website,they ALWAYS fall over when you really need them to work.

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Cable guy, Games of Thrones chap team up to make Reg 'best sci-fi film never made' reject

Ian Emery
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Coffee/keyboard

Mars Trilogy in GoT style !!!

The thought of having to watch the secondary characters having graphic sex scenes well past their 150th birthday fills me with horror!!!!

THE HORROR!! THE HORROR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Windows 10: One for the suits, right Microsoft? Or so one THOUGHT

Ian Emery
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Boffin

apps are isolated from each other and from the operating system, making them safer for users"

(A cut down quote as it is too big otherwise).

This old fossil remembers the Amiga boasting this feature, about 10 years before most of the El Reg readership were born.

(All those naughty coders ignored it and went straight to coding for the hardware - hence all the early stability problems).

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BENDY iPhone 6, you say? Pah, warp claims are bent out of shape: Consumer Reports

Ian Emery
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Joke

Apple Anouncement

You are all wrong, the fault lies with people not sitting properly.

(Joke Alert - Just in case....)

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CURSE YOU, 'streaming' music services! I want a bloody CD

Ian Emery
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FAIL

Re: You think you're old...

I am not dragging around a big, heavy USB stick !!!!

(I keep one of those microSD card credit card thingies in my wallet with selections of music for my car and mp3 player on each of the 8 cards).

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How the FLAC do I tell MP3s from lossless audio?

Ian Emery
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Boffin

128k is fine for the car, road noise kills any subtle sounds.

198k is fine for most people, even using fairly expensive equipment.

320k works for most, even on stupidly expensive headphones.

ANALOGUE IS STILL BEST THOUGH!!

In all seriousness, much of what we hear between 198k and 320k is subconscious; you dont realise you are hearing more, but you look back and realise you started listening to the music more often, and were getting more enjoyment out of it.

Of course, playing it through your PC speakers, it might as well be encoded at 16k.

(I am a poor, part time Audio buff).

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Oz carrier Tiger Air takes terror alerts to new heights

Ian Emery
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Alien

Ré sketch

I though it was a drawing of our Alien Overlords.

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Bacon-related medical breakthrough wins Ig Nobel prize

Ian Emery
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Meh

Meanwhile

My possible linking together bread yeast and a rare autoimmune disorder is completely ignored, despite no one being able to give an alternative explanation for my improving health.

Apparently, unless someone whose name is prefixed with "Dr" comes out with something, it isnt real.

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Driving with an Apple Watch could land you with a £100 FINE

Ian Emery
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Mission Creep

How long before they start doing you for looking at normal analogue watch??

Cant eat, drink or use a phone, but somehow, fiddling about with, lighting, and waving around a burning cylinder of toxic weeds is still fine and dandy.

BTW I saw a "hands free" Citroen in Malvern yesterday.

Female "driver" with both hands off of the wheel and fiddling with her phone; staring down into her lap and heading straight towards a crowded school crossing. Somehow no one was hit, but only because the children got out of the way in time.

Call the Police?? Her word against mine as to why, assuming they could be bothered to do anything.

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'Windows 9' LEAK: Microsoft's playing catchup with Linux

Ian Emery
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Trollface

Re: Meeeh

I am fairly certain this was a feature on the abacus back in 1527BC.

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Every billionaire needs a PANZER TANK, right? STOP THERE, Paul Allen

Ian Emery
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Joke

Back to the original story

Just get an old 1970's Volvo and paint it in camo; the (Yank) tourists will never be able to tell the difference.

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Get your Indian Landfill Android One handsets - they're only SIXTY QUID

Ian Emery
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MOST IMPORTANT!!!!!!!

Will they be available in a range of curry flavoured cases???

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Boffins say they've got Lithium batteries the wrong way around

Ian Emery
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Joke

Cutting up charged batteries

I await the next, explosive instalment.

Joke Alert, because some people are just so.... GERMAN!!!

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Chinese city creates footpath for smartphone addicts

Ian Emery
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FAIL

“Someone even parked a car on the sidewalk”

I am guessing this was written by someone who hasnt spent ANY time in mainland China; coming out of your apartment on the 15th floor, you look left and right for oncoming scooters!!!

Bikes, cars, buses, coaches, lorries, rickshaws, etc, will use any and every flattish ground to make progress, wrong side of a dual carriageway?? never mind, just ring your bell/sound your horn a lot!!!

More than once the bus I was on decided to cut through a pedestrian shopping precinct to avoid a particularly contentious set of traffic lights (not sure why they have them though, nobody pays them any attention).

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SanDisk's record-busting 512GB SD CARD will fit perfectly in your empty wallet

Ian Emery
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Windows

Feeling old

I can still remember the excitement of finding 2x 10MB Amiga HDDs mixed up on a pallet of bubblejet printers at a Kays stock disposal, so getting them for only £140 each instead of the full price of £399.99 each.

Gin flavoured "Health Tonic" of course.

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Apple's ONE LESS THING: the iPod Classic disappears

Ian Emery
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Sansa Clip charging and playing at the same time

I have two Clip+ and they both charge and play at the same time; perhaps your Clip is defective/Chinese knock-off.

The ONLY players I have come across in recent years that wont play when charging ARE cheap Chinese knock-offs.

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Ian Emery
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Thumb Up

iPod sound not so hot

I can confirm that, a friend bought one and was showing off - letting everyone have a listen; when my turn came I listened - then gave him my cheap £40 player to listen to......

The shame was so great he went to live in France!!!!

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BONEHEAD FANBOIS encamp outside Apple Stores

Ian Emery
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Joke

Being paid to...

.... sit on your arse and do nothing for weeks on end.

Sounds like a government job to me!!!!!!

Because taking the pi$$ out of fanbois is always so much fun.

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Google recommends pronounceable passwords

Ian Emery
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Re: Am I the only one using something like KeePass?

Isnt that the website that went down for a couple of days last month?? Locking all their users out of everything?? GOOD ONE!!!!

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Ian Emery
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密码

Will this do???

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Dodgy Norton update borks UNDEAD XP systems

Ian Emery
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As long as...

M$ offer free security updates to my XP [cough] POS[cough] install, the AV producers should not have an issue keeping THEIR products working correctly.

btw, Norton software has been appallingly bad for almost as long as McAffes.

PS I am still unsure if POS stands for "Point of Sale" or "Piece of Shit", in relation to M$ products.

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Thieves steal more iPhones than any other handset, warns UK government

Ian Emery
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Boffin

I seem to remember

From last week - A report saying thieves were more interested in Android phones than iPhones.

From last year - A report saying IMEI is easily circumvented.

Ré reporting a phone stolen when broken - more likely reported when the non removable battery starts to die; although Apple seem to be attempting to stop this by releasing a new model JUST as the battery is due to fail in the old model (assuming you bought it on launch day).

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Jony Ive: Apple iWatch will SCREW UP Switzerland's economy

Ian Emery
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$3 Chinese Rolex

I would like to complain loudly about the negative attitudes to Chinese knock-off the author has expressed.

I own a $3 Chinese Rolex, and as I sit here - at 3:40pm on the 13th of June 1967, I can tell you there are every bit as as good as the real thing.

OK seriously; I have a millionaire friend who owns a real Rolex AND a Chinese knock-off; he wears the knock-off most of the time because it KEEPS better time than the real thing.

If a Rolex is so good, why didnt his last ex wife want it as part of her £5.5 million divorce settlement??

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CNN 'tech analyst' on NAKED CELEBS: WHO IS this mystery '4chan' PERSON?

Ian Emery
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Boffin

DOH!!!!

I set my password as "incorrect", that way, if I get it wrong, a pop-up gives me the correct answer.

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BBC: We're going to slip CODING into kids' TV

Ian Emery
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Re: Teaching children *how* to think...

Not going to happen, even the "Degree" course for pre school teachers is indoctrination rather than learning - along the lines of :- " Yes, these are all only theories, but no, you cannot question them".

One of the reasons I walked out less than a year in.......

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Ian Emery
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Facepalm

Re: The kid I saw on the BBC News this morning...

I think you are VASTLY under-estimating the average level of stupidity.

Please remember that the national Lottery have TWICE had to remove a series of scratch cards because too many people did not know that MINUS 18C is less than MINUS 16C when comparing temperatures.

I also know of someone who managed to force Sky into cancelling their internet service because the routers WiFi broadcast did not transfer the data at the FULL 300Mbps speed (they only had a "G" spec card in the PC).

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Ian Emery
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Childcatcher

Re: Oh crap.

My son was about two when I caught him taking a live socket apart using my electric screw driver, and the BED apart with a socket wrench.

I caught my daughter dragging my large drill/driver around and trying it out on sockets at NINE MONTHS!!

She is nineteen months now, and has already discovered a keyboard short-cut to delete all my bookmarks, as well as a number of other weird effects.

Oh, and randomly pushed number on mummies iPhone called someone in CANADA!!

(She hasnt figured out the unlock on my Android phone .....yet)

Anyway, I look forwards to Old Jack hacking the NSA from the safety of the Rainbow, or Makka Pakka writing a spreadsheet for his stone collection.

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iCloud fiasco: 100 FAMOUS WOMEN exposed NUDE online

Ian Emery
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Boffin

Celebs get upset because ........

These photos show them as real people, not as the flawlessly bodied beings photoshop and their agents like to portray.

BTW.

In a world where someone announces their uncle has prostitute cancer, colleague and college are spelt nearly the same = coleege/coledge.

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Ian Emery
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Alien

Re: Jennifer Lawrence, Kate Upton and Ariana Grande

I thought Ariana Grande was a big new space rocket.

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Ninja Pirate Zombie Vampires versus Chuck Norris and the Space Marines

Ian Emery
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Pint

Re: No Commander Shepard / mixed bag of aliens on the winning side?

If we are talking of C J Cherryh characters, then we are back to heavily armed CATS again!!!!

(The Pride of Chanur).

Make mine a catnip please.

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Oz fed police in PDF redaction SNAFU

Ian Emery
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Trollface

Re: Not the same bunch that didn't realize shared servers on one IP?

"You're the cream of the crop!""

ALL THE CLOTS!!!!!!

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China building SUPERSONIC SUBMARINE that travels in a BUBBLE

Ian Emery
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Happy

So does this mean...

.... I can now order take out from my favourite Guangzhou Restaurants and expect it to still be hot when delivered to my UK home???

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6 Obvious Reasons Why Facebook Will Ban This Article (Thank God)

Ian Emery
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Meh

The Third Way

Dont have a Facebook account.

Dont have a Twitter account

Dont have a Linkdin account

Dont have a Reddit account

Use NoScript to block Facebook, Twitter, Linkdin, Reddit and Google (amongst others)

Unblock Google when it is needed to make a page work.

It works for me; but then I get enough inane drivel directed at me by the women I have to work with, and I havent found a way to block them yet.

(Soaps, soaps, Orlando Bloom, soaps, make-up, soaps, babies, Christian Bale, soaps.....)

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BBC goes titsup: iPlayer to News websites down – Auntie working to fix it

Ian Emery
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You think??

Still trying to figure out how that would take down the entire BBC network; it is just as likely the BBC server farm is run on a pre-payment meter and the boss forgot to load it with 50p coins before going off for the weekend.

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Cracking copyright law: How a simian selfie stunt could make a monkey out of Wikipedia

Ian Emery
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Pint

So basically...

All this article does is tell us what we already know, a certain Mr Wales is an arse.

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Shoot-em-up: Sony Online Entertainment hit by 'large scale DDoS attack'

Ian Emery
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The BBC also

I am getting "500" errors on all the various BBC web pages I have tried to visit this evening.

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Vampires and Ninjas versus the Alien Jedi Robot Pirates: It's ON

Ian Emery
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Paris Hilton

KITTEH!!!!!

Preferably cute and heavily armed !!!!

Paris, the nearest we have to a cute fluffy furball.

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Microsoft refuses to nip 'Windows 9' unzip lip slip

Ian Emery
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Alien

Re: Underwhelmed

You mean copying Apple??

Regarding the queues of fanbois waiting in line for their new shiny toy - hasnt this got something to do with the fact the non replaceable battery in each phone lasts almost EXACTLY the same amount of time between Apple iPhone releases???

I think we should be told.

Alien, after all Apple execs are from another planet!!!!

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The Register to boldly go where no Vulture has gone before: The WEEKEND

Ian Emery
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Pint

Excellent

Another excuse I can offer up to SWMBO for not doing the gardening.

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Caught red-handed: UK cops, PCSOs, specials behaving badly… on social media

Ian Emery
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Devil

"Fuzz" is too fluffy

We all know they are gits, so call them something harder - like "Rozzers"

Icon, the nearest, but not as nasty equivalent of the modern Rozzer.

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Cops baffled by riddle of CHICKEN who crossed ROAD

Ian Emery
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Optional

Well, we all know the elephant crossed the road to make a trunk call, so I suspect that the chicken crossed because it was stapled to the elephant.

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Detroit losing MILLIONS because it buys CHEAP BATTERIES – report

Ian Emery
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Re: @ Ian Emery (was: Smoke Alarms....)

Pretty much everything has been said, low current load, warning siren when it is down to 50% level (the other 50% is reserved to keep the siren going every 2 minutes for the next 6 months)......

OH!

BTW,

I am a electronics tech (retired), with kit I've built fitted to HM Hunter-Killer subs amongst other places; and two Queens Awards (one for Technology and one for Exports).

No icon - you dont seem to have a "smug git" one.

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Ian Emery
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Coat

Smoke Alarms....

I'll change to branded batteries the day I find the temperature in my house has fallen below minus twenty Celsius.

Fleece lined coat - natch.

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Top Gun display for your CAR: Heads-up fighter pilot tech

Ian Emery
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Re: uh, no

Give me Hellfires, according to an old flight sim at least, you can target slow moving aircraft like choppers as well as ground targets.

Ré GPS on mountains, the speed readings would be a bit out, but as long as you werent hard up against the north rock face, you should still be able to see the odd GPS sat.

The GPS on my Asus tablet is a bit poor, but the only time I lost the signal today, while driving around the centre of Brum, was in Debenhams carpark; I dont even remember losing it the last time the Queensway tunnel was open.

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Lenovo posts an INCREASE in desktop PC and notebook sales

Ian Emery
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Happy

Not always cheaper, better made

I own a bit of Lenovo kit, I havent ever bought a whole system from them though, what attracts me is the QUALITY.

The Lenovo keyboards and mice I have are the BEST I have ever had the pleasure of using - regardless of price, my only gripe is the "Caps Lock" key being a tad too close to the "A".

Even my baby daughter has failed to kill my keyboard, despite walking all over it (and a bit of stomping).

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Fifteen countries KO'd in malware one-two punch

Ian Emery
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Joke

I blame the French and illegal immigrants.

(Sorry, I must have overdosed on The Daily Mail).

Because there is ALWAYS one.............

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Samsung Galaxy Tab S 8.4: 4G Android tablet is easy to swallow

Ian Emery
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Big Brother

Elephant in the room

Is the battery replaceable??

(Everything else sounds great, although dual sim would be nice).

In light of the GCHQ revelations, I am surprised El Reg hasnt removed all the other icons.

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Microsoft: Just what the world needs – a $25 Nokia dumbphone

Ian Emery
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Coat

Re: Think of the kids

This is the perfect phone for NURSERY WORKERS.

Following all the paranoia from certain sex abuse cases, we arent allowed to have our phones switched on at work - in case we take abusive photos of the kiddies; so a camera-less phone like this would be ideal for being contactable in a family emergency.

(The landline is a no-no as the manager is always hogging it)

Mines the one with crayon on the back, and baby-sick on the shoulder.

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London cops cuff 20-year-old man for unblocking blocked websites

Ian Emery
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Big Brother

Re: Well....

It actually only applies to the few "BIG" ISP's; anyone with less than a certain number of subscribers (1million???), doesnt have to implement the block, so I can go visit the P1r@t3 B@y any time I want.

Weirdly, the ONLY website I cannot access is a perfectly legitimate US radio streaming service that now seems to be blocked in the UK; I can access the website, but not any of the streams, despite being a subscriber for many years.

Orwell didnt know the half if it!!!

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