* Posts by Ian Emery

784 posts • joined 9 Aug 2007

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Honda CR-V: SUV-lite that’s also light on the pocket

Ian Emery
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I wonder at the longevity of the tiny turbo boosted engines everyone is slapping into big cars these days; especially a 1.6D like this.

For the record, my sister drives this model, and although she keeps crowing about the mpg, even she admits it isnt that fast - and this from someone who has been driving a 2litre TDI Shalgambra for the last 6 years.

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The injected JavaScript used to smash anti-Great Firewall of China GitHub projects offline

Ian Emery
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Re: Can GitHub take China to court in the WTO?

Baidu is one of the default webpages on the Chinese language version of Windows, so is installed and used by millions of Chinese ethnic people around the world.

My wife has been trying to force her copy to use Google.co.uk, so she can make local searches, but it keeps going back to .cn alternatives.

To this day I am unsure if the cheap - "Chinese only" versions of WinXP, Vista and Win7, are a genuine Microsoft product or a Chinese government project to help control of their own population (I bought SWMBO WinXP and Win7 disks for £1 each in 2010)

Likewise, the locals are told to use the 360 browser because it is safer - it is a malware loaded POS - basically a clone of IE with Chinese government spyware included.

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Scientists splice mammoth genes into unsuspecting elephant

Ian Emery
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Trollface

Re: Cool

How long before Iceland is selling horsemeat under the "MammothBurger" name??

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Winning a brand new BOFH T-Shirt is as simple as...

Ian Emery
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Facepalm

A clean desk is a sign of a sick mind

I said this to my boss once.

I just wish someone had warned me he had spent 18 months locked in a padded room a few years before.

(NOT a Joke Alert)

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Windows 10 build 10041: 99 bugs on the wall, fix a bug, add a feature, 114 bugs on the wall

Ian Emery
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Windows

Why do I have the sudden sinking feeling that.....

Win10 is going to make Win8 look good.

(Icon for old codger STILL using XP)

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Internet Explorer LIVES ON, cackle sneaky Microsoft engineers

Ian Emery
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Trollface

"even the name has been picked to suggest simplicity, speed and hardiness."

Perhaps they should also rename IE - so the name reflects ITS features.

I suggest "Arthritic Sloth"

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Our Endless Numbered Days, Junk DNA and Exotic England

Ian Emery
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The first book sounds suspitously like a true story I remember

Just the names and locations changed.

As for long, boring reads with interesting titles, Try "The Fishing Fleet - Husband Hunting in the Raj"

Not one of them gets bagged and displayed as a trophy on the wall.

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Bride legs it from wedding after groom proves unable to add up

Ian Emery
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FAIL

Not only no IT angle, but old news, all the main news sites covered this story nearly a week ago.

BTW, "Watched Five Children and IT" with my daughter yesterday; REALLY upset at the complete lack of IT equipment; what were they thinking of when coming up with the title??

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Data centre dangers: Killing a tree and exploding a UPS

Ian Emery
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I used to have a job taking care of a distribution warehouse system running on a 100A board - over rated to 300A.

The feed cable used to regularly burn the paint off of the wall.

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Pi(e) Day of the Century is upon us! Time to celebrate 3/14/15 in style, surely?

Ian Emery
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Trollface

I was thinking of saying "Stupid Yanks"

But everybody already knows that.

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Mattel urged to scrap Wi-Fi mic Barbie after Register investigation

Ian Emery
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Paris Hilton

WHY??

Barbie doesnt need to give an intelligent answer; I mean who REALLY pays attention to what someone is actually saying if they are a pretty blonde with big t1ts???

PAris, cos there are rumours she cant count beyond 10 without taking her shoes and socks off.

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Diablo fingered in offensive ASCII art trial doc shock

Ian Emery
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Facepalm

Not being offensive

Just counting to four in binary.

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Litecoin-mining code found in BitTorrent app, freeloaders hit the roof

Ian Emery
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"STUPID fREETARD HERE"

Running the latest version of uTorrent and no sign of Epic Scale on my system - most disappointed.

Thanks to previous posters for offering alternatives, I have recently become hacked off by all the adverts and flashy cr@p spoiling my experiences. Sadly this happens to all good freeware eventually, free-good, free-OK, free-flashy-crappy-ads-everywhere.

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UK spaceport, phase two: Now where do we PUT the bleeding thing?

Ian Emery
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Re: we don't build large rockets. Or small rockets. Or any rockets.

Yes we do.

http://www.starchaser.co.uk/

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Win! El Reg exceedingly fine mug collection

Ian Emery
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Megaphone

Black, White or Green???

What happened to Red????

Yorkshire tea USED to be my favourite tipple before I discovered red tea.

PS, I think the megaphone should be replaced by a Brian Blessed icon!

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Ian Emery
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Headmaster

Re: FTW

That would be tea from India or China would it??

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Tulsa woman bludgeons man mercilessly with laptop

Ian Emery
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He is still alive

SO it wasnt a Panasonic Toughbook

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Lenovo: We SWEAR we're done with bloatware, adware and scumware

Ian Emery
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Facepalm

I suspect Lenovo forgot.

Forgot they were dealing with people outside of China that is.

If you look at Chinese software, it is packed with bloatware and Chinese government spyware; dont believe me? Go download and compare the QQ International and Chinese language versions; the Chinese version comes loaded with so much crap it BROKE the brand new budget PC it was loaded on; the PC slowed down to the speed on a P50 running Vista until many arduous hours were spent manually removing all of the crap that was installed alongside the QQ IM program.

(Hours because of how slow the PC became, running at normal speeds it would have taken minutes!!)

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RIP Leonard Nimoy: He lived long and prospered

Ian Emery
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Getting OLD !!

All my childhood heroes are dead or dying.

Farewell Leonard, good luck on the last great adventure.

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Don't pay for the BBC? Then no Doctor Who for you, I'm afraid

Ian Emery
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Facepalm

Re: Worth every penny...

Downvoters are obviously too young to know this is a quote from the same comedy sketch Blowhard quoted further up this thread. (NTNOCN)

If switching to a CA system, will this mean I can watch Dr Who on iPlayer when I am in China, and not have to BT it a few days later??

(The "D'oh" is for people not knowing classic comedy when it is quoted at them).

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P0wned plug-in puts a million WordPress sites at risk of attack

Ian Emery
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FAIL

Asking the big questions.....

Is WordPress the New Microsoft??

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A truly SHOCKING tale of electrified PCs

Ian Emery
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Tales of a electronics tech

I found some Italian built light boxes in a photo studio where the earth was terminated at a 6mm brass stud.

Sadly, the stud was mounted on hardboard, offering no protection for the rest of the metal light box!!

Also, (to save money) a G.U.S warehouse had its picking cranes wired up with single phase isolators, despite using 2 phases to provide the power to the crane controls.

A foreman found this out the hard way after isolating the cab and sticking his hand into a faulty heater. From then on, his nickname was Scorch.

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This one weird script continually crashes Android email

Ian Emery
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FAIL

Spread the blame

to chip maskers as well, I cannot update my Umi Zero to Lollypop because the people behind the new octacore cpu wont release the details required, so the phone makers are stuck.

BTW, this talks about the default Android email app.... can I therefore assume that if I only use the Gmail app I will be OK??

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A cookie with a 7,984-year lifespan. Blimey, Roy Batty only got 4!

Ian Emery
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Childcatcher

Think of the Children!!!

All these cookies are the REAL reason they are getting so FAT!!

OK, so it is a joke, but I can only choose one icon.

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Want to find LOVE online? Make sure your name is high up in the alphabet

Ian Emery
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"Incidentally, women find a man more attractive when they see other women smiling at him "

Amazing, but true; a woman I went to meet from an internet dating site was showing VERY little interest in me until two cuties smiled at me; she them clung on to my arm with a death grip for the next hour.

Still didnt work out though, partly because I found out she was a closet smoker.

I can guarantee you will gets lots of interest if you sign up to one of the many "Anastasia" websites; even just entering your name (no photo), will be enough to generate 10-15 letters of interest per week -

Of course on "Anastasia" sites you have to PAY to open the letters sent to you - but they wouldnt be dishonest and pay women to write to you .... would they??

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UN negotiations menaced by THOUSANDS of TOPLESS LADIES with MAYONNAISE

Ian Emery
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WTF?

BTW

For those that dont know, a "babushka" is a wrinkled old grandma.

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Ian Emery
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Paris Hilton

Re: Topless ladies with mayonaise?

Worst case?? I think that depends on if the ladies in Question are Belarusian babushkas or not; in that event, not even peanut butter and whips will save the day.

Now if it was Paris or Taylor Swift mind you........

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You'll NEVER guess who has bought I Taught Taylor Swift How To Give Head dot-com

Ian Emery
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Paris Hilton

Perhaps it is time for the Paris icon to be retired - and replaced with a T.S. one.

Paris - because the cat is already out of the bag on ITAUGHTPARISHILTONTOGIVEHEAD.COM

(seem the film and read the book).

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Update - Boffins: COMETS are like FRIED ICE CREAM. Mmm

Ian Emery
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Alien

I'VE KNOWN THAT FOR YEARS.

Have the scientists finally read "Lucifer's Hammer" ??

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$10,000 Ethernet cable promises BONKERS MP3 audio experience

Ian Emery
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Windows

Too Cheap

I am worried someone might try these cables on a Dell - and invalidate their warranty.

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They've finally solved it: Schrödinger's cat is both ALIVE AND DEAD

Ian Emery
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Paris Hilton

Huh??

I thought this only worked for spherical cats in a vacuum??

Besides, the cat is dead, I mean exactly how long ago did Shrodinger PUT the cat in the box, and what is the maximum lifespan for a cat??

Paris, my favourite box AND pussy - all rolled into one.

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Sonos revamps Wi-Fi speaker app, admits: 'We made things worse'

Ian Emery
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Mushroom

Re: Noisy f**kers!

Nice idea, but I dont like spending stupid money on tinny sounding speakers for each room, I prefer a giant pair of BRIAN BLESSED's to BLAST THE MUSIC OUT!!!!

My old neighbours were stone deaf, the current ones arent (yet).

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O2 notifies data cops 'for courtesy' ... AFTER El Reg intervenes in email phish dustup

Ian Emery
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Can I add the BBC to the list of email sellers??

This is fairly ancient, but back in the early nouties, the BBC were running a competition for under 12's.

My son (age 6 at the time), entered using my email and home address

THE ONE AND ONLY TIME THE TWO HAVE BEEN LINKED WITH HIS NAME.

(He lived with his mother).

Within weeks I started getting spam email and waste paper through the letterbox in his name - offering him credit cards, test drives of new sports cars etc.

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Win! The Ultimate Cash 'n' Carrion Survival Kit

Ian Emery
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Those blades look awfully sharp

I hope the IT manager doesnt accidentally walk into them 20 or 30 times.........

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Yahoo!'s Firefox search hook-up pays off as it nicks Google's US clicks

Ian Emery
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Black Helicopters

Every time I tried to switch back to Google, I got a security warning pop-up; clicking either YES or No had the same result - Yahoo back as the default - NOT HAPPY.

I had to go digging around, and even now I am not 100% certain I have gotten rid of the moronic Yahoo option.

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Crackdown on eBay sellers 'failing to display' VAT numbers

Ian Emery
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Black Helicopters

Rip-Off Britain

You know the fixing goes on both ways. I have been trying to send some baby stuff out to a relative in China, if I use the UK ParcelForce website it will cost me over £130 for about 7KG; if I use a CHINESE parcel company associated with ParcelForce it costs me under £30.

That is a LOT more than VAT can account for.

Same depot, same staff, same delivery time - go figure.

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Google boffins PROVE security warnings don't ... LOOK! A funny cat!

Ian Emery
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Google need to fix their own issues

I get security alerts for Gmail 3-4 time per week when trying to log in via Thunderbird, and this week it kept throwing password errors - before admitting it was blocking TB for being an insecure program!!

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National Lottery sleeps through Sunday

Ian Emery
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Trollface

Bets are

The sysadmin won the jackpot and accidentally sprayed the servers with champagne.

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'Boutique' ISPs: Snub the Big 4 AND get great service

Ian Emery
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Re: I've seen these kind of ISPs before.

Several down votes - these will be the people who STILL believe that £1.99 a month can get you fast, unlimited broadband.

My favourite ISP scam was the guy who figured out the flaw in a certain major ISPs "First three months Free" package a few years back - and earned himself a six figure sum before legging it out of the country.

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Ian Emery
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Re: Where is Zen Internet in this advertorial?

I dont know what is going on at Zen, they have lost a lot of potential customers in the last 12 months by failing to answer phone or email enquiries - and not just a few isolated cases either, a LOT of people on the ISP forums - including the Mods - have commentated on it.

A pity, because they are a VERY good ISP.

(I couldnt get through to Zen despite 2 weeks of trying - and I was in urgent need of a new ISP after my old one went rogue on me - so signed up with Aquiss - who are also very good at tech support).

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Alibaba's magic cave empties as it misses revenue target

Ian Emery
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Paris Hilton

Re: It aint just fakes.

Not sure I believe you, I got a 99p component from AliExpress last year - with free postage.

Paris, ahhh, if only she would turn up in the post wearing nothing but bubble wrap.

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Spartan on Windows 7? Microsoft is 'watching demand'

Ian Emery
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Holmes

If MS dont do it, someone else will.

Remember their claims DirectX 10 and above wouldnt run on XP??

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Chunky Swedish ice maiden: Volvo XC60 D4 Manual EE Lux Nav

Ian Emery
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Coat

The more complex the electronics, the more likely it is to go wrong, and the more expensive it will be.

Puts on his Briskoda jacket and slips in to an old Felicia 1.3GL.

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SO. Which IS more important to humanity: Facebook, or Portugal?

Ian Emery
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Re: Personally.....

Must be an American - I have never had issues drinking the water in Portugal.

Another +1 for Portugal - They hate the Germans and wont allow them to steal all the pool chairs/loungers by sneaking down at dawn and draping towels over them.

- 1,000,000,000 for the EU - SuperBock was 9p a bottle the year before joining the EU - it was 59p the year after joining !!!!!

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Boffins: It's EASY to make you GRASS YOURSELF UP for crimes you never did

Ian Emery
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Trollface

After the confessions

So, how many have been arrested for admitting to their crimes so far??? You know how keen the police are to clear up old, unsolved crimes.

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Grand Theft Auto 1997: 'Sick, deluded and beneath contempt'

Ian Emery
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I miss driving the tank around.

Once I found where it was hidden, I never bothered with much else in the game - except running down the Krishnas.

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Windows 7 MARKED for DEATH by Microsoft as of NOW

Ian Emery
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Re: Never forget

To be fair, Win7 IS more stable than XP; just not sure if that fact is down to better coding or luck though.

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Preserve the concinnity of English, caterwauls American university

Ian Emery
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Trollface

Caterwaling

You only have to watch X Factor or BGT to see it is alive and well.

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This one shall pass! Not even a flesh wound from ‘Monty Python’ SPACE ROCK

Ian Emery
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FAIL

So really, REALLY close then.,

Tomorrow's headline.

MARS IN NEAR COLLISION WITH VENUS!!!

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Renault Captur: Nobody who knows about cars will buy this

Ian Emery
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Re: An ideal car for the French market

Perhaps I misunderstood them; they explained the skis were made just down in the valley, so I assumed they meant on the French side of the border; however we were very close.

Atomic make good "top end" skis for the pro market (or so I have been told); but as of 2004 - when I was looking for my son - there were HUNDREDS of posts on ski forums complaining about low - mid range Atomic skis breaking.

I agree about Renaults being a dog to work on, I made the mistake of buying an old one once; but unless they have completely changed - that is not the only problem. Certainly into the 90's they were still making them differently in each factory, so for example - on my late 80's model, there were seven different exhaust layouts and 140(ish) different carb/fuel injection systems being used; more than once I was told a part didnt exist - even while I was stood there with the oily old part on the counter in front of them!!!

They also had a nasty habit of raiding the old parts bin if they ran out of the correct component; no one could identify the starter motor on mine when it died, until one of the older mechanics recognised it as coming from the Renault 4!!!!

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