* Posts by Ian Emery

742 posts • joined 9 Aug 2007

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Chunky Swedish ice maiden: Volvo XC60 D4 Manual EE Lux Nav

Ian Emery
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Coat

The more complex the electronics, the more likely it is to go wrong, and the more expensive it will be.

Puts on his Briskoda jacket and slips in to an old Felicia 1.3GL.

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SO. Which IS more important to humanity: Facebook, or Portugal?

Ian Emery
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Re: Personally.....

Must be an American - I have never had issues drinking the water in Portugal.

Another +1 for Portugal - They hate the Germans and wont allow them to steal all the pool chairs/loungers by sneaking down at dawn and draping towels over them.

- 1,000,000,000 for the EU - SuperBock was 9p a bottle the year before joining the EU - it was 59p the year after joining !!!!!

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Boffins: It's EASY to make you GRASS YOURSELF UP for crimes you never did

Ian Emery
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Trollface

After the confessions

So, how many have been arrested for admitting to their crimes so far??? You know how keen the police are to clear up old, unsolved crimes.

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Grand Theft Auto 1997: 'Sick, deluded and beneath contempt'

Ian Emery
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I miss driving the tank around.

Once I found where it was hidden, I never bothered with much else in the game - except running down the Krishnas.

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Windows 7 MARKED for DEATH by Microsoft as of NOW

Ian Emery
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Re: Never forget

To be fair, Win7 IS more stable than XP; just not sure if that fact is down to better coding or luck though.

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Preserve the concinnity of English, caterwauls American university

Ian Emery
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Trollface

Caterwaling

You only have to watch X Factor or BGT to see it is alive and well.

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This one shall pass! Not even a flesh wound from ‘Monty Python’ SPACE ROCK

Ian Emery
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FAIL

So really, REALLY close then.,

Tomorrow's headline.

MARS IN NEAR COLLISION WITH VENUS!!!

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Renault Captur: Nobody who knows about cars will buy this

Ian Emery
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Re: An ideal car for the French market

Perhaps I misunderstood them; they explained the skis were made just down in the valley, so I assumed they meant on the French side of the border; however we were very close.

Atomic make good "top end" skis for the pro market (or so I have been told); but as of 2004 - when I was looking for my son - there were HUNDREDS of posts on ski forums complaining about low - mid range Atomic skis breaking.

I agree about Renaults being a dog to work on, I made the mistake of buying an old one once; but unless they have completely changed - that is not the only problem. Certainly into the 90's they were still making them differently in each factory, so for example - on my late 80's model, there were seven different exhaust layouts and 140(ish) different carb/fuel injection systems being used; more than once I was told a part didnt exist - even while I was stood there with the oily old part on the counter in front of them!!!

They also had a nasty habit of raiding the old parts bin if they ran out of the correct component; no one could identify the starter motor on mine when it died, until one of the older mechanics recognised it as coming from the Renault 4!!!!

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Ian Emery
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Paris Hilton

An ideal car for the French market

How so???

I once asked a group of French ski instructors why they all used "Atomic" skis, when the brand had a piss-poor reputation of snapping in half after a weeks gentle use.

They looked at each other and came up with the reply....

""Because they are made in France"

Paris - just because.

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El Reg's festive dating app guide, Pt. 2: The FEMALE perspective

Ian Emery
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Boffin

On a more serious note

I missed the men's version (terrible internet connection here in China), so sorry if this has been already said.

The Rules of Internet Dating

DONT SEND THEM MONEY

Dont fall in love with a photo.

DONT SEND THEM MONEY

10 minutes video chat is worth a year of text.

DONT SEND THEM MONEY

International dating is great value, even if you dont hit it off, you usually get a free tourist guide for the duration.

DONT SEND THEM MONEY

Understand??

(Married for 3 1/2 years to a Chinese girl I met on an international dating site).

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Google's Gmail staggers to feet in China as access partially restored

Ian Emery
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Still no Gmail here in Nanning, and there hasnt been any since I arrived on 8th December. In that time I have moved district and changed internet several times to no avail.

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Internet Explorer 12 to shed legacy cruft in bid to BEAT Chrome

Ian Emery
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Windows

NOT a joke

As long as it doesnt break MS Office 98, my boss wont care.

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Gmail falls over after hitting 'Great Firewall of China' – report

Ian Emery
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Black Helicopters

and bears crap in the woods???

Gmail, and 99% of google api's havent worked for me since arriving in China nearly a month ago; I also find that various innocuous sites (such as a car forum), are heavily restricted and barely function most of the time.

Porn access and torrents are fine though!!! (Well I CAN access them, but at speeds so slow as to make them pointless).

On the other hand, the weather today has been a bright and sunny 20+C, so who needs porn??

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The Pirate Bay SUNK: It vanishes after Swedish data center raid

Ian Emery
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Black Helicopters

The Swedes did it??

Damn!! I have been blaming the Great Firewall of China for my lack of access.

(Posting from behind the bamboo curtain)

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Firmware update kills Lenovo Home Media Network HDDs. Here's how to resurrect them

Ian Emery
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Not effected but....

as much as I love the Lenovo products I DO own, I recognise that they are a CHINESE company; and the Chinese have never really understood the concept of "Customer Service".

This will have to change if they want to compete effectively on the world markets, right now they are selling on price, but if they ever want to move upmarket, the punters will want to know that they can get the support they need when they need it.

I have a number of Chinese company products that are good.... but could be great if they ever got around to fixing minor niggles in the firmware; including an £50 ICE unit that does everything digital far better than big names like Clarion, but clips a tiny fraction of a second off of the start of every track.

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An alleged 27GB Sony Pictures data dump. 65 PlayStation web servers. One baffling mystery

Ian Emery
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Trollface

Breaking News

Sony has just changed its cloud server passwords from "Password" to "PASSWORD".

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Man asks internet for $1k for pebbles. INTERNET SAYS YES

Ian Emery
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Joke

Soap stone

For a cleaner taste.

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E-cigarettes fingered as source of NASTY VIRUS

Ian Emery
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Boffin

Re: Let's sum it up

ER - caffeine is highly addictive and acts on the central nervous system in a similar way to HEROIN.

(Dont just downvote - go do some research, the NASA study is particularly effective at showing what caffeine does to the brain)

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Sick of the 'criminal' lies about pie? Lobby the government HERE

Ian Emery
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Windows

I will sign IF

he adds an exemption for pies with two huge pastry horns coming out of the top.

(My local does a nice "Desperate Dan" pie)

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That sub-$100 Android slab you got on Black Friday? RIDDLED with holes, say infosec bods

Ian Emery
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EVERYTHING coming from the well known tat bazzaar is a clone-of-a-clone.

I suspect your problem may be that the hardware being used is telling porkies to the firmware; I have a Lenovo smartphone clone that is convinced it is the real deal, despite the hardware not matching what the firmware thinks it has; for instance, it shows GPS - and I can enable or disable GPS and the icon changes colour, it reports the state change etc - BUT THERE IS NO GPS!!

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Festive streamers caught in Vulture's claws: Gadget-ogle for audiophiles, video geeks

Ian Emery
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Dabbling my toes in the water

I heard too many bad reports about the Chrome devices, so when I wanted to try out the modern world of streaming music and video I picked up a cheap DroidBoX from a well known Chinese tat bazaar. The wifi doesnt like keeping a stable connection to my router*, so it is now hard wired, but other than that it is doing a good job of keeping my daughter supplied with Peppa Pig, Ra Ra, and Tinga Tinga, as well as exposing her to music streams from all over the world - she goes to sleep listening to traditional Chinese music and Buddhist chants!!

I havent explored more than a fraction of its capabilities yet - possibly because the user manual is two tiny pages of Chinglish.

* It may not be the devices fault, everyone in the area suffers from wideband interference covering everything from AM radio up; there have been times when my PC cannot detect my wifi enabled printer - despite it being less than 1m away; and at least once a day my normally rock solid 300Mbps connection to the router drops to sub 1Mbps and wont authenticate.

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Fiat 500X: A fun-loving Goldilocks who'll get down and dirty

Ian Emery
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Trollface

Something missing

THATS IT!!!

You forgot to tell us how many bits fell off or broke during the test drive!!

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Dawn raids on Orange over TROMBONING allegations were fine, rules EU court

Ian Emery
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In France

the perceived wisdom is that, if it is French, it MUST be good.

How else could Renault cars or Atomic skis still be in business.

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FTC: Sony told big fat WHOPPERS in its PlayStation Vita ads – and now it has to pay

Ian Emery
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Joke

"reassures the viewer in sultry"

Sultry, thats in Essex isnt it??

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Boffins find Jackie Chan's SUPERCOP is good for something

Ian Emery
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Re: Finally a use for Zoolander.

Yeah, it sucked harder than Traci Lords, BUT

Just remember, there are worse films out there....

"Morons From Outer Space" anyone??

By some freak of nature, the book is even LESS funny than the film.

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Guess which US tech giant was just hit with a $137m tax bill in China?

Ian Emery
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$137M

SO they will just scrape out a bit of change from down the back of Bills old couch then.

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Mega GP tech services framework badge awarded

Ian Emery
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Unusually modest for a government contract; has anyone lost half a dozens zeros down the back of the sofa??

In any case, they need to get the last lot of tech working properly before being given MORE money; the automated booking-in system at my local surgery hasnt worked since the day - three years ago - that they were forced to get an "upgraded" NHS computer system

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You stupid BRICK! PCs running Avast AV can't handle Windows fixes

Ian Emery
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Windows

Time to Upgrade to a better OS

Avast work fine on XP!!!!

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The next big thing in medical science: POO TRANSPLANTS

Ian Emery
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Re: Gut ... er journalism?

At the modern technological stage, these transplants have been taking place for a number of years, so why the sudden headlines - quiet day???

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BIG FAT Lies: Porky Pies about obesity

Ian Emery
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Boffin

Re: Good stuff.

Here is something else to ponder.....

My sons GF comes from a sink estate and was fed nothing but cheap processed "junk" food her entire life; at age 20 she was invited to tea at our house and had to confess she had never SEEN a home made apple pie before, let alone eaten one.

(Her diet seemed to consist of Findus and Iceland products).

At 18 she was diagnosed with a brain tumour, Doctors said it was almost impossible to safely remove it or treat it, so all they could do was give her regular scans and monitor it.

Every 6 months she went for a scan, and for years the tumour got bigger and bigger; then at age 23, she moved out of the sink estate and moved in with my mother - who fed her healthy, freshly made home cooking.

At her next scan they discovered the tumour had stopped growing, and the scans since then have shown the tumour to be shrinking!!!!

Of course, no doctor will ever link the two events; it is just a coincidence - like the coincidence that my rare auto-immune illness has gotten better* by avoiding yeast/yeast extracts, despite my having no anti-bodies for yeast.

* My average Full Blood Count has DOUBLED since I established the link and started to avoid yeast, and is now 13-15% of normal; it has been as low as 2%.

Thats a Boffin icon - a boffin is someone who manages to do something a SCIENTIST says is impossible.

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BOFH: WHERE did this 'fax-enabled' printer UPGRADE come from?

Ian Emery
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Angel

I must admit

My little* Epson W4535 MFP hasnt put a foot wrong (yet).

* In comparison to the big office jobs; it is still HUGE by SOHO standards.

To think I used to hate Epson and only buy buy old HP's.

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Ian Emery
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Facepalm

Had a boss like this at G.U.S. (Kay&Co) back in 1992

He bought £500,000 worth of swanky office furniture for all the 5th floor executive suites, with built in power sockets, and from a non-EU country.

Needless to say none of it met UK or EU electrical safety standards, so I failed it during PAT testing.

They sacked me.

BTW, he had a degree in Electrical Engineering, but managed to wire his desk lamp with the earth and neutral swapped.

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Leaked screenshots show next Windows kernel to be a perfect 10

Ian Emery
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Trollface

The Chinese will love this build

All those 8's in the build number means that THIS will be the most popular version to pirate!!!

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Useless 'computer engineer' Barbie FIRED in three-way fsck row

Ian Emery
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Paris Hilton

Sounds like my boss

Ridicules your ideas, then a year later announces "I have an idea...."

Paris, because she is good at extracting biological data transfers from a "fat" pipe.

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Samsung Galaxy Note 4: Spawn of Galaxy Alpha and a Note 3 unveiled

Ian Emery
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Re: Won't upgrade

I get that on my WinXP PC, I am in the UK and the set-up is UK, but Google and FireFox occasionally give me Chinese instead of UK English when updating.

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Webcam hacker pervs in MASS HOME INVASION

Ian Emery
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Trollface

Re: Don't get it.

" Kinnect "

Isnt that some sort of toy???

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Ian Emery
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Coat

Point camera at ceiling/blank wall when not in use.

THERE!! PROBLEM SOLVED!!

My coat with the Anti-tracking liner.

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Hackers seize Detroit's database, demand $800k. Motor City shrugs: OK, take it

Ian Emery
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“I found the Microsoft Office system we had was about 10 years old

He should consider himself lucky, my boss still insists on running the copy of Office that came with her first PC - back in 1998!!!

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NOKIA - Not FINNished yet! BEHOLD the somewhat DULL MYSTERY DEVICE!

Ian Emery
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" Nicely specced but the lack of innovation or flair, "

Why does that remind me of other Foxconn re-badged efforts???

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I'M SO SORRY, sobs Rosetta Brit boffin in 'sexist' sexy shirt storm

Ian Emery
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Still waiting

Why no twitter storm - outraged at Coke using semi naked men to sell Diet Coke.

(Or is it Pepsi - they all look the same to me).

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Walmart's $99 crap-let will make people hate Windows 8.1 even more

Ian Emery
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Trollface

Does it blend??

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Poll trolls' GCHQ script sock puppets manipulate muppets

Ian Emery
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Black Helicopters

AH HA!!!!

This explains why I get so many downvotes on certain posts.

OFF TOPIC

Could the BBC please stop the bullying of Iggle Piggle??

Every night it is :-

Wait a minute.

Someone's not in bed.

WHO's not in bed??

Iggle Piggle's not in bed.

Of COURSE he is not in bed, he sleeps in an effing dingy!!!!!

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TalkTalk's 'unbeatable signal strength' and 'fastest Wi-Fi tech' FIBS silenced by ad watchdog

Ian Emery
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Boffin

Back in the old days........

The best wifi device I ever had was built into the cheapo Asus EeePC 901; my son could connect to the internet via a Pub 1/2 mile and 3 streets over from his mums house (she was too tight to even have dial-up!!), and still get a better connection speed than my ADSL line.

A few years later and my future wife had her UK visa denied, and missed out going to the Upton Folk Festival, so I wandered around Upton (connected to someones unsecured router), streaming video from the 901's webcam back to her in China.

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Google DoubleClick goes TITSUP. ENJOY your AD-FREE WORLD!

Ian Emery
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Angel

Between blocking scripts, blocking flash, and blocking pop-ups, I dont see many ads either.

I do miss my old pre ADSL ad blocker though, it would put up a blue box with the word "Ad" in it, to replace every advert it blocked - so you could see you were getting your monies worth.

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ISPs are stripping encryption from netizens' email – EFF

Ian Emery
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Meh

Meh!!

I was always taught that email is about as secure as sending a postcard - every one who wants to can read it along the way.

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Doctor Who trashing the TARDIS, Clara alone, useless UNIT – Death in Heaven

Ian Emery
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Osgood and Missy are not entirely "dead"

I mean why would they kill off the Master anyway??

The get out is the Timelord tech. "Heaven", where the newly dead go. So obviously Osgood and Missy are in there (for now).

Someone watched and reviewed in a hurry - so missed/forgot a few clues.

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BOFH: SOOO... You want to sell us some antivirus software?

Ian Emery
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Re: Foxit

I know, I was delusional, I blame the head cold and sinus irritation - the medication made it seem like a good idea.

As for how many PCs, only a dozen, but they are all old, patched together systems made out of left-over parts and spare XP licences (+1 Win7 machine) that originally ran WinME and uses Rambus Ram); actually THREE of them originally came with WinME.

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Ian Emery
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Foxit

I keep hearing people say it is unstable, but here is the thing, I have been using it since the dark ages and NEVER had a single issue; ADOBE on the other hand, - which I have installed because some government websites INSIST only Adobe can open their pdf attachments - buggers up every other time I try to use it.

As for AV programs, yes, they slow everything down to a crawl; almost as bad as installing realplayer (which I foolishly did again last night).

I have never seen a simple EULA screen effectively lock up my machine for several minutes before.

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Amazon: Put our ALWAYS ON MICROPHONE in your house, please. WHAT?

Ian Emery
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Trollface

Added

to the list of things to buy as presents for people/relatives you dont really like.

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So long, thanks for all the ...er, FISH BRIGHTER than boffins thought

Ian Emery
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Joke

FISH BRIGHTER than boffins thought

Perhaps they should use dimmer lights when looking at them??

"Visual" Joke Alert.

(I know, I need to get out more).

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