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* Posts by Ian Emery

709 posts • joined 9 Aug 2007

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Useless 'computer engineer' Barbie sacked in three-way fsck row

Ian Emery
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Paris Hilton

Sounds like my boss

Ridicules your ideas, then a year later announces "I have an idea...."

Paris, because she is good at extracting biological data transfers from a "fat" pipe.

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Samsung Galaxy Note 4: Spawn of Galaxy Alpha and a Note 3 unveiled

Ian Emery
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Re: Won't upgrade

I get that on my WinXP PC, I am in the UK and the set-up is UK, but Google and FireFox occasionally give me Chinese instead of UK English when updating.

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Webcam hacker pervs in MASS HOME INVASION

Ian Emery
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Trollface

Re: Don't get it.

" Kinnect "

Isnt that some sort of toy???

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Ian Emery
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Coat

Point camera at ceiling/blank wall when not in use.

THERE!! PROBLEM SOLVED!!

My coat with the Anti-tracking liner.

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Hackers seize Detroit's database, demand $800k. Motor City shrugs: OK, take it

Ian Emery
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“I found the Microsoft Office system we had was about 10 years old

He should consider himself lucky, my boss still insists on running the copy of Office that came with her first PC - back in 1998!!!

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NOKIA - Not FINNished yet! BEHOLD the somewhat DULL MYSTERY DEVICE!

Ian Emery
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" Nicely specced but the lack of innovation or flair, "

Why does that remind me of other Foxconn re-badged efforts???

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I'M SO SORRY, sobs Rosetta Brit boffin in 'sexist' sexy shirt storm

Ian Emery
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Still waiting

Why no twitter storm - outraged at Coke using semi naked men to sell Diet Coke.

(Or is it Pepsi - they all look the same to me).

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Walmart's $99 crap-let will make people hate Windows 8.1 even more

Ian Emery
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Trollface

Does it blend??

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Poll trolls' GCHQ script sock puppets manipulate muppets

Ian Emery
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Black Helicopters

AH HA!!!!

This explains why I get so many downvotes on certain posts.

OFF TOPIC

Could the BBC please stop the bullying of Iggle Piggle??

Every night it is :-

Wait a minute.

Someone's not in bed.

WHO's not in bed??

Iggle Piggle's not in bed.

Of COURSE he is not in bed, he sleeps in an effing dingy!!!!!

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TalkTalk's 'unbeatable signal strength' and 'fastest Wi-Fi tech' FIBS silenced by ad watchdog

Ian Emery
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Boffin

Back in the old days........

The best wifi device I ever had was built into the cheapo Asus EeePC 901; my son could connect to the internet via a Pub 1/2 mile and 3 streets over from his mums house (she was too tight to even have dial-up!!), and still get a better connection speed than my ADSL line.

A few years later and my future wife had her UK visa denied, and missed out going to the Upton Folk Festival, so I wandered around Upton (connected to someones unsecured router), streaming video from the 901's webcam back to her in China.

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Google DoubleClick goes TITSUP. ENJOY your AD-FREE WORLD!

Ian Emery
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Angel

Between blocking scripts, blocking flash, and blocking pop-ups, I dont see many ads either.

I do miss my old pre ADSL ad blocker though, it would put up a blue box with the word "Ad" in it, to replace every advert it blocked - so you could see you were getting your monies worth.

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ISPs are stripping encryption from netizens' email – EFF

Ian Emery
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Meh

Meh!!

I was always taught that email is about as secure as sending a postcard - every one who wants to can read it along the way.

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Doctor Who trashing the TARDIS, Clara alone, useless UNIT – Death in Heaven

Ian Emery
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Osgood and Missy are not entirely "dead"

I mean why would they kill off the Master anyway??

The get out is the Timelord tech. "Heaven", where the newly dead go. So obviously Osgood and Missy are in there (for now).

Someone watched and reviewed in a hurry - so missed/forgot a few clues.

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BOFH: SOOO... You want to sell us some antivirus software?

Ian Emery
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Re: Foxit

I know, I was delusional, I blame the head cold and sinus irritation - the medication made it seem like a good idea.

As for how many PCs, only a dozen, but they are all old, patched together systems made out of left-over parts and spare XP licences (+1 Win7 machine) that originally ran WinME and uses Rambus Ram); actually THREE of them originally came with WinME.

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Ian Emery
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Foxit

I keep hearing people say it is unstable, but here is the thing, I have been using it since the dark ages and NEVER had a single issue; ADOBE on the other hand, - which I have installed because some government websites INSIST only Adobe can open their pdf attachments - buggers up every other time I try to use it.

As for AV programs, yes, they slow everything down to a crawl; almost as bad as installing realplayer (which I foolishly did again last night).

I have never seen a simple EULA screen effectively lock up my machine for several minutes before.

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Amazon: Put our ALWAYS ON MICROPHONE in your house, please. WHAT?

Ian Emery
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Trollface

Added

to the list of things to buy as presents for people/relatives you dont really like.

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So long, thanks for all the ...er, FISH BRIGHTER than boffins thought

Ian Emery
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Joke

FISH BRIGHTER than boffins thought

Perhaps they should use dimmer lights when looking at them??

"Visual" Joke Alert.

(I know, I need to get out more).

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China set to be buried under mountain of surplus robots, warns biz chap

Ian Emery
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Childcatcher

(Almost) No Social Security in China

So if they replace all the workers with robots, what will the people do to earn enough to eat??

As it is, you see old men and women patrolling the streets from 4am until after midnight, rummaging for paper, cardboard, plastic and metal to sell for scrap - just to earn enough to buy a £1 meal each evening.

Think of the children?? Seriously, do this and they are lining up even bigger trouble than the growing gap between the number of young men, and the number of young women for them to marry.

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UK.gov rushes out broken 'Orphan Works' system as EU Directive comes in

Ian Emery
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Facepalm

Re: European law?

Even there he is just a copy-cat, the French and Germans have been doing the same since day one.

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Microsoft to bake Skype into IE, without plugins

Ian Emery
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+1 for QQ

Just make sure you get the International version, as the standard version is Chinese only and packed with crapware.

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FATTIES: Boffins say their miracle sunshine skin cream 'prevents obesity'

Ian Emery
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Re: Yes there is -

4 "Thumbs Down"

4 people in denial????

The artificial sweeteners used in UK drinks are banned in several countries due to their association with liver cancer.

They are also very difficult for the body to break down, so the body creates fat cells to store them in.

I studied this at Uni.

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Ian Emery
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Paris Hilton

Yes there is -

The chemicals used to replace the sugar have two well known side effects :-

1/ Liver cancer

2/ The production of fat cells, the nasty ones that give your skin that "spotty blancmange" look.

As for the study, like every other weight loss claim it comes back to healthy eating and exercise; hence my personal catch-phrase :-

CHOCOLATE CAN HELP WEIGHT LOSS

(But only as part of a calorie controlled diet).

Paris, because the best way to burn calories involves her.

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BAE points electromagnetic projectile at US Army

Ian Emery
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Coat

Not quite true; there were a few mass "Armour on Armour", encounters.

Perhaps I need to get out more.

(gets coat).

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Ian Emery
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Black Helicopters

Crew members with fillings need not apply.

Would I be correct in thinking a Bradley would need something along the lines of a "Nail Rail" gun??

Shades of Gordan R Dickinson's needle guns.

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SKYPE has the HOTS for my NAKED WIFE

Ian Emery
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Big Brother

Too much like hard work

Lots of suggestions here for avoiding NSA scrutiny of you or your significant others naughty bits, but they are all just too much like hard work.

Me??

I just keep my camera pointing up at the ceiling unless I actually want to use it.

Although I supposed this link, printed out and taped over the lens might creep-out a few spys.

https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRGuwBHAxey18WQjZUu9NAVG_CF5uHps-1IpSKAW0ObKUQhhgxm-15nOPOcMQ

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Ian Emery
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Re: Webcams are vitaly important

It is a genuine site dedicated to men seeking Russian wives, or interested in Russian culture; I still hang out there even though I married a Chinese girl.

Why 7 down votes?? The photos are real, the event was real (he walked right past her twice at the airport, she was so different); or was it because I said he still banged it??

He is a bit of a sex maniac and rogered his way across southern China; including one woman I was supposed to be going to meet!!!

BTW, these things happen on western dating sites as well, I just happened to have recently reposted the photos as a warning, so had the links to hand.

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Ian Emery
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Re: Webcams are vitaly important

Actually, he is an internet friend I have only met in person once; the really scary this is... he still shagged it.

(See newly edited post above - with links to photos.

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This post has been deleted by a moderator

Reg hacks see the woods or the trees In the Forest of the Night

Ian Emery
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Childcatcher

On the up side

At least there isnt too much of the cloying, saccharine, melancholy, over the top, heart string pulling that went on LAST season; that REALLY got on my nerves.

So sugary, will no one think of the children(s teeth).

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Sporty in all but name: Peugeot 308 e-THP 110

Ian Emery
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Thumb Down

Bah Humbug

I used to own a 1980's 2.2 Audi 100 that did 0-60 in under 9 seconds and average 42 enthusiastic miles per gallon; and I am willing to bet that if it hadnt been killed by an old fart, that it would still be going, unlike these micro engines that are too highly tuned and turbo'ed to last.

AND ARENT ANY MORE ECONOMICAL IN REAL TERMS.

(Plus it is French, they will probably not have any spares for it after next year).

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MARS NEEDS WOMEN, claims NASA pseudo 'naut: They eat less

Ian Emery
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Alien

What will they do with the sanitary towel mountain when they arrive????

(Who at the back said "put a cork in it??).

If taken up, this means no Russian females will go to Mars, the amount of polish and powder required for that length of time is likely to implode and create a black hole.

(I have dated RW's so I should know).

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Want a more fuel efficient car? Then redesign it – here's how

Ian Emery
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Tyre Pressures

I have found that the car makers tyre pressure suggestions are all on the low side; given that a car often has two or more suggested pressures (load speed-low load and high speed high load), I tend to pressure my tyres somewhere in between for normal use.

This gives a better response when turning at urban speeds, less roll, and stops the tyre wearing on the outside edge so much.

My current tyres are set at 2.2bar (min/max is 2.1/2.3), and the MOT report says there is less than 1mm difference in tread depth between the middle and the sides as they approach half worn).

In my old Toyota MPV the difference was HUGE, with 2.5 min and 3.0 max; setting the tyres at 2.5 meant it wallowed around corners, and downright dangerous in the wet while 2.8 made it handle much more like a saloon car.

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Ian Emery
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Re: Replace anything with "Lucas" written on it

I always put down my better MPG in France to the fact we in the UK get served crap petrol.

When skiing, I will fill up in the UK and drive across France, fill up and climb the mountains, then fill up again a the bottom of the mountain and drive back, the return trip ALWAYS gets a better mpg.

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Ian Emery
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Re: Cruise control back in the 80s

It was called the Audi 100 2.2.

I regularly cruised up/down the M5 at 100 mph and turned in over 40mpg; back then as a callow youth I had an extremely heavy foot, so got nowhere near the 1200 miles per tank that was possible (best I managed was 900 ish)..

After a couple of years, Audi stupidly bored it out to 2.3L and the mpg plummeted to barely 30.

We also then got saddled with catalytic converters which robbed our engines of a 3rd of their power and fuel efficiency..

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Ian Emery
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Re: Cruise control

I have tried several CC cars onthe M4/M5 (Malvern to Heathrow and back usually), and I can reliably get better MPG than any of the systems, often by 15-20%.

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Ian Emery
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Re: Depends on assumptions

The disadvantages include modern cars being so hideously complex, that even changing a light* often requires a workshop and workshop tools, and I wait to be convinced of the longevity and long term fuel efficiency of the current crop of TSI type micro-sized engines.

My neighbour has a 1.0L Focus that, despite spending more time at the Ford Dealership than on her drive, STILL only manages 34MPG average, in a rural, small town environment.

BTW, has the author written a book or thought of setting up a business to help others do this sort of work?? My MPV only averages 30MPG, but there is no newer equivalent, so anything I can do to improve MPG is eagerly looked at. (Official mpg is 20/38/30); I have been thinking of an engine pre-heater, but they arent cheap.

*Some Skoda Fabias need the front bumper removing to replace the headlights, and dont talk to me about Renaults.

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Win a year’s supply of chocolate (no tech knowledge required)

Ian Emery
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Windows

Re: £16.95 a month for four bars?

£17 will buy enough Luxury chocolate at Lidl to make even a hardened chocoholic like me burst at the seams.

Thats me, with the PINT glass of chocolate liqueur.

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Intel, Asus charge sneak into US mobe market with ATOM-powered PadFone X mini

Ian Emery
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Meh

I was hoping for an actual review of the phone

As Asus announced these phones ages ago.

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Flies WANT beer booze and now we know why - yeast

Ian Emery
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Re: Off Topic but important (to me)

Thanks for the reply, I am not certain that dead yeast is any safer, I have had mild reactions to "yeast extract", and I already wash fruit with yeast on the skin, although you seem to be saying this might not be enough??

I AM very careful and read the labels, however sometimes something is safe today, but they change the ingredients tomorrow. I have had this happen a couple of times and ended up confined to bed for 48 hours; even some spice mixes slip yeast in!!! (I got caught out by a Polish mixture).

Sausages and burgers are a problem, most are padded out with bread, the best I have found so far are from Lidl that ciotain potato instead of wheat.

Because I cannot get anyone to take me seriously, I cannot get any tests done to see if there is a trigger threshold; I was undergoing food allergy trials at Addenbrookes, but as soon as my treatment proved their theories were wrong, they lost all interest in me.

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Ian Emery
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Boffin

Off Topic but important (to me)

I have a rare illness that seems to interact with yeasts, could any of the experts posting here tell me of anything I can eat/drink to kill off any yeast I inadvertently ingest??

Even a minute amount leaves me at deaths door* for 36-48 hours.

I cannot get the quacks to take me seriously, even though my condition has improved by 100% by avoiding bread yeasts (now a massive 15% of normal blood count and climbing).

* Well, it FEELS like deaths door.

Boffin - natch.

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Lies, damn pies and obesity statistics: We're NOT a nation of fatties

Ian Emery
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Boffin

Yes, we are all getting too fat, BUT.......

BMI only works for spherical chickens in a vacuum.

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Something ate Google's 8.8.8.8 at about eight in Asia's evening

Ian Emery
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Meh

Bah Humbug

So doom and gloom and [people are stupid for using it] ??

Actually, I dont, but after reading this I might; my old ISP's DNS servers spent more time on holiday than the UK Parliament, and OpenDNS is getting soooo sloooow. One outage in I-dont-know-how-many-years is actually pretty good.

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Remember that tale of a fired accountant who blamed Comcast? It's kinda true, says telco

Ian Emery
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Re: About recording calls.

I had some issues with a company many years ago, after they refused to deal with the problem by letter and , despite constantly claiming to be recording my conversations "for training purposes", but being unable to retain ANY information from them, I tried to record them myself.

As soon as I repeated their own mantra back at them, they hung up on me.......

EVERY TIME.

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Man brings knife to a gun fight and WINS

Ian Emery
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Alien

Was he a Jedi ???

Carrying a really short light-sabre??

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Microsoft's nightmare DEEPENS: Windows 8 market share falling fast

Ian Emery
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Paris Hilton

Hedging Bets

I suspect M$ will be preparing Windows 11 for launch a month after Win 10 - Just In Case!!!

Paris, about the only thing that still gets me excited about unwrapping.

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Coming to a theater near you: the TETRIS MOVIE

Ian Emery
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Still waiting for the Trilogy

TIC!!

TAK!!

TOE!!!!!!!!!

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DVLA website GOES TITSUP on day paper car tax discs retire

Ian Emery
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FAIL

I have a different problem

(And one that probably affects a fair few other people as well).

Having been overseas for a while, and my car off the road (just before SORN required valid insurance), I came back to the UK on New Years Eve and got my tax AND INSURANCE started for Jan 1st.

Now, the system wont allow you to TAX your car if you do not have valid insurance on the day the tax disc starts; but equally, the insurance companies dont inform the DVLA of your NEW policy until 24-48 hours after it starts.

In other words, I cant tax my car until Jan 4th at the earliest even though the old tax expires on Dec 31st.

Now on the one hand, I am not supposed to drive my car during those 4 days, but equally, the buggers are going to have the MONEY for those 4 days anyway !!!

Fail because... well, it was a GOVERNMENT website,they ALWAYS fall over when you really need them to work.

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Cable guy, Games of Thrones chap team up to make Reg 'best sci-fi film never made' reject

Ian Emery
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Coffee/keyboard

Mars Trilogy in GoT style !!!

The thought of having to watch the secondary characters having graphic sex scenes well past their 150th birthday fills me with horror!!!!

THE HORROR!! THE HORROR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Windows 10: One for the suits, right Microsoft? Or so one THOUGHT

Ian Emery
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Boffin

apps are isolated from each other and from the operating system, making them safer for users"

(A cut down quote as it is too big otherwise).

This old fossil remembers the Amiga boasting this feature, about 10 years before most of the El Reg readership were born.

(All those naughty coders ignored it and went straight to coding for the hardware - hence all the early stability problems).

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BENDY iPhone 6, you say? Pah, warp claims are bent out of shape: Consumer Reports

Ian Emery
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Joke

Apple Anouncement

You are all wrong, the fault lies with people not sitting properly.

(Joke Alert - Just in case....)

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