* Posts by Ian Emery

768 posts • joined 9 Aug 2007

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Tulsa woman bludgeons man mercilessly with laptop

Ian Emery
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He is still alive

SO it wasnt a Panasonic Toughbook

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Lenovo: We SWEAR we're done with bloatware, adware and scumware

Ian Emery
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Facepalm

I suspect Lenovo forgot.

Forgot they were dealing with people outside of China that is.

If you look at Chinese software, it is packed with bloatware and Chinese government spyware; dont believe me? Go download and compare the QQ International and Chinese language versions; the Chinese version comes loaded with so much crap it BROKE the brand new budget PC it was loaded on; the PC slowed down to the speed on a P50 running Vista until many arduous hours were spent manually removing all of the crap that was installed alongside the QQ IM program.

(Hours because of how slow the PC became, running at normal speeds it would have taken minutes!!)

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RIP Leonard Nimoy: He lived long and prospered

Ian Emery
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Getting OLD !!

All my childhood heroes are dead or dying.

Farewell Leonard, good luck on the last great adventure.

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Don't pay for the BBC? Then no Doctor Who for you, I'm afraid

Ian Emery
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Facepalm

Re: Worth every penny...

Downvoters are obviously too young to know this is a quote from the same comedy sketch Blowhard quoted further up this thread. (NTNOCN)

If switching to a CA system, will this mean I can watch Dr Who on iPlayer when I am in China, and not have to BT it a few days later??

(The "D'oh" is for people not knowing classic comedy when it is quoted at them).

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P0wned plug-in puts a million WordPress sites at risk of attack

Ian Emery
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FAIL

Asking the big questions.....

Is WordPress the New Microsoft??

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A truly SHOCKING tale of electrified PCs

Ian Emery
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Tales of a electronics tech

I found some Italian built light boxes in a photo studio where the earth was terminated at a 6mm brass stud.

Sadly, the stud was mounted on hardboard, offering no protection for the rest of the metal light box!!

Also, (to save money) a G.U.S warehouse had its picking cranes wired up with single phase isolators, despite using 2 phases to provide the power to the crane controls.

A foreman found this out the hard way after isolating the cab and sticking his hand into a faulty heater. From then on, his nickname was Scorch.

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This one weird script continually crashes Android email

Ian Emery
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FAIL

Spread the blame

to chip maskers as well, I cannot update my Umi Zero to Lollypop because the people behind the new octacore cpu wont release the details required, so the phone makers are stuck.

BTW, this talks about the default Android email app.... can I therefore assume that if I only use the Gmail app I will be OK??

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A cookie with a 7,984-year lifespan. Blimey, Roy Batty only got 4!

Ian Emery
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Childcatcher

Think of the Children!!!

All these cookies are the REAL reason they are getting so FAT!!

OK, so it is a joke, but I can only choose one icon.

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Want to find LOVE online? Make sure your name is high up in the alphabet

Ian Emery
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"Incidentally, women find a man more attractive when they see other women smiling at him "

Amazing, but true; a woman I went to meet from an internet dating site was showing VERY little interest in me until two cuties smiled at me; she them clung on to my arm with a death grip for the next hour.

Still didnt work out though, partly because I found out she was a closet smoker.

I can guarantee you will gets lots of interest if you sign up to one of the many "Anastasia" websites; even just entering your name (no photo), will be enough to generate 10-15 letters of interest per week -

Of course on "Anastasia" sites you have to PAY to open the letters sent to you - but they wouldnt be dishonest and pay women to write to you .... would they??

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UN negotiations menaced by THOUSANDS of TOPLESS LADIES with MAYONNAISE

Ian Emery
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WTF?

BTW

For those that dont know, a "babushka" is a wrinkled old grandma.

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Ian Emery
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Paris Hilton

Re: Topless ladies with mayonaise?

Worst case?? I think that depends on if the ladies in Question are Belarusian babushkas or not; in that event, not even peanut butter and whips will save the day.

Now if it was Paris or Taylor Swift mind you........

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You'll NEVER guess who has bought I Taught Taylor Swift How To Give Head dot-com

Ian Emery
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Paris Hilton

Perhaps it is time for the Paris icon to be retired - and replaced with a T.S. one.

Paris - because the cat is already out of the bag on ITAUGHTPARISHILTONTOGIVEHEAD.COM

(seem the film and read the book).

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Update - Boffins: COMETS are like FRIED ICE CREAM. Mmm

Ian Emery
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Alien

I'VE KNOWN THAT FOR YEARS.

Have the scientists finally read "Lucifer's Hammer" ??

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$10,000 Ethernet cable promises BONKERS MP3 audio experience

Ian Emery
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Windows

Too Cheap

I am worried someone might try these cables on a Dell - and invalidate their warranty.

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They've finally solved it: Schrödinger's cat is both ALIVE AND DEAD

Ian Emery
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Paris Hilton

Huh??

I thought this only worked for spherical cats in a vacuum??

Besides, the cat is dead, I mean exactly how long ago did Shrodinger PUT the cat in the box, and what is the maximum lifespan for a cat??

Paris, my favourite box AND pussy - all rolled into one.

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Sonos revamps Wi-Fi speaker app, admits: 'We made things worse'

Ian Emery
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Mushroom

Re: Noisy f**kers!

Nice idea, but I dont like spending stupid money on tinny sounding speakers for each room, I prefer a giant pair of BRIAN BLESSED's to BLAST THE MUSIC OUT!!!!

My old neighbours were stone deaf, the current ones arent (yet).

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O2 notifies data cops 'for courtesy' ... AFTER El Reg intervenes in email phish dustup

Ian Emery
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Can I add the BBC to the list of email sellers??

This is fairly ancient, but back in the early nouties, the BBC were running a competition for under 12's.

My son (age 6 at the time), entered using my email and home address

THE ONE AND ONLY TIME THE TWO HAVE BEEN LINKED WITH HIS NAME.

(He lived with his mother).

Within weeks I started getting spam email and waste paper through the letterbox in his name - offering him credit cards, test drives of new sports cars etc.

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Win! The Ultimate Cash 'n' Carrion Survival Kit

Ian Emery
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Those blades look awfully sharp

I hope the IT manager doesnt accidentally walk into them 20 or 30 times.........

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Yahoo!'s Firefox search hook-up pays off as it nicks Google's US clicks

Ian Emery
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Black Helicopters

Every time I tried to switch back to Google, I got a security warning pop-up; clicking either YES or No had the same result - Yahoo back as the default - NOT HAPPY.

I had to go digging around, and even now I am not 100% certain I have gotten rid of the moronic Yahoo option.

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Crackdown on eBay sellers 'failing to display' VAT numbers

Ian Emery
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Black Helicopters

Rip-Off Britain

You know the fixing goes on both ways. I have been trying to send some baby stuff out to a relative in China, if I use the UK ParcelForce website it will cost me over £130 for about 7KG; if I use a CHINESE parcel company associated with ParcelForce it costs me under £30.

That is a LOT more than VAT can account for.

Same depot, same staff, same delivery time - go figure.

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Google boffins PROVE security warnings don't ... LOOK! A funny cat!

Ian Emery
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Google need to fix their own issues

I get security alerts for Gmail 3-4 time per week when trying to log in via Thunderbird, and this week it kept throwing password errors - before admitting it was blocking TB for being an insecure program!!

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National Lottery sleeps through Sunday

Ian Emery
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Trollface

Bets are

The sysadmin won the jackpot and accidentally sprayed the servers with champagne.

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'Boutique' ISPs: Snub the Big 4 AND get great service

Ian Emery
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Re: I've seen these kind of ISPs before.

Several down votes - these will be the people who STILL believe that £1.99 a month can get you fast, unlimited broadband.

My favourite ISP scam was the guy who figured out the flaw in a certain major ISPs "First three months Free" package a few years back - and earned himself a six figure sum before legging it out of the country.

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Ian Emery
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Re: Where is Zen Internet in this advertorial?

I dont know what is going on at Zen, they have lost a lot of potential customers in the last 12 months by failing to answer phone or email enquiries - and not just a few isolated cases either, a LOT of people on the ISP forums - including the Mods - have commentated on it.

A pity, because they are a VERY good ISP.

(I couldnt get through to Zen despite 2 weeks of trying - and I was in urgent need of a new ISP after my old one went rogue on me - so signed up with Aquiss - who are also very good at tech support).

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Alibaba's magic cave empties as it misses revenue target

Ian Emery
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Paris Hilton

Re: It aint just fakes.

Not sure I believe you, I got a 99p component from AliExpress last year - with free postage.

Paris, ahhh, if only she would turn up in the post wearing nothing but bubble wrap.

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Spartan on Windows 7? Microsoft is 'watching demand'

Ian Emery
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Holmes

If MS dont do it, someone else will.

Remember their claims DirectX 10 and above wouldnt run on XP??

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Chunky Swedish ice maiden: Volvo XC60 D4 Manual EE Lux Nav

Ian Emery
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Coat

The more complex the electronics, the more likely it is to go wrong, and the more expensive it will be.

Puts on his Briskoda jacket and slips in to an old Felicia 1.3GL.

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SO. Which IS more important to humanity: Facebook, or Portugal?

Ian Emery
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Re: Personally.....

Must be an American - I have never had issues drinking the water in Portugal.

Another +1 for Portugal - They hate the Germans and wont allow them to steal all the pool chairs/loungers by sneaking down at dawn and draping towels over them.

- 1,000,000,000 for the EU - SuperBock was 9p a bottle the year before joining the EU - it was 59p the year after joining !!!!!

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Boffins: It's EASY to make you GRASS YOURSELF UP for crimes you never did

Ian Emery
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Trollface

After the confessions

So, how many have been arrested for admitting to their crimes so far??? You know how keen the police are to clear up old, unsolved crimes.

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Grand Theft Auto 1997: 'Sick, deluded and beneath contempt'

Ian Emery
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I miss driving the tank around.

Once I found where it was hidden, I never bothered with much else in the game - except running down the Krishnas.

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Windows 7 MARKED for DEATH by Microsoft as of NOW

Ian Emery
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Re: Never forget

To be fair, Win7 IS more stable than XP; just not sure if that fact is down to better coding or luck though.

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Preserve the concinnity of English, caterwauls American university

Ian Emery
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Trollface

Caterwaling

You only have to watch X Factor or BGT to see it is alive and well.

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This one shall pass! Not even a flesh wound from ‘Monty Python’ SPACE ROCK

Ian Emery
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FAIL

So really, REALLY close then.,

Tomorrow's headline.

MARS IN NEAR COLLISION WITH VENUS!!!

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Renault Captur: Nobody who knows about cars will buy this

Ian Emery
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Re: An ideal car for the French market

Perhaps I misunderstood them; they explained the skis were made just down in the valley, so I assumed they meant on the French side of the border; however we were very close.

Atomic make good "top end" skis for the pro market (or so I have been told); but as of 2004 - when I was looking for my son - there were HUNDREDS of posts on ski forums complaining about low - mid range Atomic skis breaking.

I agree about Renaults being a dog to work on, I made the mistake of buying an old one once; but unless they have completely changed - that is not the only problem. Certainly into the 90's they were still making them differently in each factory, so for example - on my late 80's model, there were seven different exhaust layouts and 140(ish) different carb/fuel injection systems being used; more than once I was told a part didnt exist - even while I was stood there with the oily old part on the counter in front of them!!!

They also had a nasty habit of raiding the old parts bin if they ran out of the correct component; no one could identify the starter motor on mine when it died, until one of the older mechanics recognised it as coming from the Renault 4!!!!

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Ian Emery
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Paris Hilton

An ideal car for the French market

How so???

I once asked a group of French ski instructors why they all used "Atomic" skis, when the brand had a piss-poor reputation of snapping in half after a weeks gentle use.

They looked at each other and came up with the reply....

""Because they are made in France"

Paris - just because.

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El Reg's festive dating app guide, Pt. 2: The FEMALE perspective

Ian Emery
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Boffin

On a more serious note

I missed the men's version (terrible internet connection here in China), so sorry if this has been already said.

The Rules of Internet Dating

DONT SEND THEM MONEY

Dont fall in love with a photo.

DONT SEND THEM MONEY

10 minutes video chat is worth a year of text.

DONT SEND THEM MONEY

International dating is great value, even if you dont hit it off, you usually get a free tourist guide for the duration.

DONT SEND THEM MONEY

Understand??

(Married for 3 1/2 years to a Chinese girl I met on an international dating site).

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Google's Gmail staggers to feet in China as access partially restored

Ian Emery
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Still no Gmail here in Nanning, and there hasnt been any since I arrived on 8th December. In that time I have moved district and changed internet several times to no avail.

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Internet Explorer 12 to shed legacy cruft in bid to BEAT Chrome

Ian Emery
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Windows

NOT a joke

As long as it doesnt break MS Office 98, my boss wont care.

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Gmail falls over after hitting 'Great Firewall of China' – report

Ian Emery
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Black Helicopters

and bears crap in the woods???

Gmail, and 99% of google api's havent worked for me since arriving in China nearly a month ago; I also find that various innocuous sites (such as a car forum), are heavily restricted and barely function most of the time.

Porn access and torrents are fine though!!! (Well I CAN access them, but at speeds so slow as to make them pointless).

On the other hand, the weather today has been a bright and sunny 20+C, so who needs porn??

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The Pirate Bay SUNK: It vanishes after Swedish data center raid

Ian Emery
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Black Helicopters

The Swedes did it??

Damn!! I have been blaming the Great Firewall of China for my lack of access.

(Posting from behind the bamboo curtain)

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Firmware update kills Lenovo Home Media Network HDDs. Here's how to resurrect them

Ian Emery
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Not effected but....

as much as I love the Lenovo products I DO own, I recognise that they are a CHINESE company; and the Chinese have never really understood the concept of "Customer Service".

This will have to change if they want to compete effectively on the world markets, right now they are selling on price, but if they ever want to move upmarket, the punters will want to know that they can get the support they need when they need it.

I have a number of Chinese company products that are good.... but could be great if they ever got around to fixing minor niggles in the firmware; including an £50 ICE unit that does everything digital far better than big names like Clarion, but clips a tiny fraction of a second off of the start of every track.

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An alleged 27GB Sony Pictures data dump. 65 PlayStation web servers. One baffling mystery

Ian Emery
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Trollface

Breaking News

Sony has just changed its cloud server passwords from "Password" to "PASSWORD".

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Man asks internet for $1k for pebbles. INTERNET SAYS YES

Ian Emery
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Joke

Soap stone

For a cleaner taste.

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E-cigarettes fingered as source of NASTY VIRUS

Ian Emery
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Boffin

Re: Let's sum it up

ER - caffeine is highly addictive and acts on the central nervous system in a similar way to HEROIN.

(Dont just downvote - go do some research, the NASA study is particularly effective at showing what caffeine does to the brain)

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Sick of the 'criminal' lies about pie? Lobby the government HERE

Ian Emery
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Windows

I will sign IF

he adds an exemption for pies with two huge pastry horns coming out of the top.

(My local does a nice "Desperate Dan" pie)

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That sub-$100 Android slab you got on Black Friday? RIDDLED with holes, say infosec bods

Ian Emery
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EVERYTHING coming from the well known tat bazzaar is a clone-of-a-clone.

I suspect your problem may be that the hardware being used is telling porkies to the firmware; I have a Lenovo smartphone clone that is convinced it is the real deal, despite the hardware not matching what the firmware thinks it has; for instance, it shows GPS - and I can enable or disable GPS and the icon changes colour, it reports the state change etc - BUT THERE IS NO GPS!!

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Festive streamers caught in Vulture's claws: Gadget-ogle for audiophiles, video geeks

Ian Emery
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Dabbling my toes in the water

I heard too many bad reports about the Chrome devices, so when I wanted to try out the modern world of streaming music and video I picked up a cheap DroidBoX from a well known Chinese tat bazaar. The wifi doesnt like keeping a stable connection to my router*, so it is now hard wired, but other than that it is doing a good job of keeping my daughter supplied with Peppa Pig, Ra Ra, and Tinga Tinga, as well as exposing her to music streams from all over the world - she goes to sleep listening to traditional Chinese music and Buddhist chants!!

I havent explored more than a fraction of its capabilities yet - possibly because the user manual is two tiny pages of Chinglish.

* It may not be the devices fault, everyone in the area suffers from wideband interference covering everything from AM radio up; there have been times when my PC cannot detect my wifi enabled printer - despite it being less than 1m away; and at least once a day my normally rock solid 300Mbps connection to the router drops to sub 1Mbps and wont authenticate.

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Fiat 500X: A fun-loving Goldilocks who'll get down and dirty

Ian Emery
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Trollface

Something missing

THATS IT!!!

You forgot to tell us how many bits fell off or broke during the test drive!!

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Dawn raids on Orange over TROMBONING allegations were fine, rules EU court

Ian Emery
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In France

the perceived wisdom is that, if it is French, it MUST be good.

How else could Renault cars or Atomic skis still be in business.

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FTC: Sony told big fat WHOPPERS in its PlayStation Vita ads – and now it has to pay

Ian Emery
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Joke

"reassures the viewer in sultry"

Sultry, thats in Essex isnt it??

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