* Posts by Ian Emery

797 posts • joined 9 Aug 2007

Page:

You - yes, YOU - can win The Ultimate Cash 'n' Carrion Survival Kit

Ian Emery
Bronze badge
Facepalm

Deja vue

You STILL cant give this stuff away??!!

0
0

China tackles vital strippers-at-funeral problem

Ian Emery
Bronze badge

Fantastic idea, I have already booked some for my funeral.

We need a piccy of a Funeral car with a "Got Wood" sticker on the back.

15
0

Tesco broadband goes TITSUP, world keeps turning on wobbly-wheeled trolley

Ian Emery
Bronze badge
Linux

Dont Worry Tesco users

I am sure Aldi or Lidl will have an internet service up and running any day.

(Not a real Penguin, but something identical at half the price).

1
0

Trading Standards pokes Amazon over 'libellous' review

Ian Emery
Bronze badge

NHS systems CAN give a CLI if it is needed, sadly though, even when it is written in your notes that a call wont go through without a CLI, they still try to call you without one - and get blocked.

I had nearly a dozen reminder calls blocked for one single appointment because nobody could be arsed to read the note and act on it.

0
0

RADIOACTIVE WWII aircraft carrier FOUND OFF CALIFORNIA

Ian Emery
Bronze badge

Re: humans

HIGHEST, after declaring it shorter than they thought, they then measured the others and found THEY were all shorter as well; putting Everest back on top.

0
0
Ian Emery
Bronze badge

Re: Easy find

Who votes vegetable??

I think you mean someone who votes Green.

0
0
Ian Emery
Bronze badge
Thumb Up

You beat me to it.

0
0

Microsoft, Getty settle image snatch 'suit

Ian Emery
Bronze badge

As an 8 y/o

EE Smith was a great writer, however, by the time I was 9 he was seeming a bit simplistic and by age 10 I regarded him little better than the Commando comics my younger brother reads (yes - over 40 and still reads them).

0
0

El Reg offers you the chance to become a Master Investor – for free

Ian Emery
Bronze badge

Need a longer lead time on things like this.

I would love to go, but I already have commitments for that date that I cannot get out of (now - last week it would have been different).

Ré Simon Weston, he is a hero because of what he has overcome. There are lots of reasons he got injured - lack of suitable military investment over many years being the biggest.

To this day the RN is stuck with an area AA missile system that cannot effectively engage even an obsolete missile like the Exocet; against a modern AS missile, they would have more chance of stopping an attack by throwing fruit at it.

1
0

Idiot thieves walk free after stolen iPad uploads pics of them with loot

Ian Emery
Bronze badge
Trollface

I dont see what the fuss is about

after all, it was only an iPad.

Troll - obviously.

0
0

Sony tells hacked gamer to pay for crooks' abuse of PlayStation account

Ian Emery
Bronze badge

Considering the financial hole they are in.....

I suppose it is possible that they DONT have £50 left to pay him back with.

3
0

Ding Dong, ALIENS CALLING

Ian Emery
Bronze badge

[waiting until the photons and dust can be removed by laser equipped space sharks at the pointy end of the ship.]

(waits for someone to point out the flaw).

0
0

UN inflicts 10,000 flat pack IKEA shelters on Iraq - WITHOUT TOOLS

Ian Emery
Bronze badge
Joke

Wait for it!!

I predict one will be on sale as a home in London by the summer - asking price?? ~£150,000

6
0

Honda CR-V: SUV-lite that’s also light on the pocket

Ian Emery
Bronze badge

I wonder at the longevity of the tiny turbo boosted engines everyone is slapping into big cars these days; especially a 1.6D like this.

For the record, my sister drives this model, and although she keeps crowing about the mpg, even she admits it isnt that fast - and this from someone who has been driving a 2litre TDI Shalgambra for the last 6 years.

1
0

GitHub jammed by injected JavaScript, servers whacked by DDoS

Ian Emery
Bronze badge

Re: Can GitHub take China to court in the WTO?

Baidu is one of the default webpages on the Chinese language version of Windows, so is installed and used by millions of Chinese ethnic people around the world.

My wife has been trying to force her copy to use Google.co.uk, so she can make local searches, but it keeps going back to .cn alternatives.

To this day I am unsure if the cheap - "Chinese only" versions of WinXP, Vista and Win7, are a genuine Microsoft product or a Chinese government project to help control of their own population (I bought SWMBO WinXP and Win7 disks for £1 each in 2010)

Likewise, the locals are told to use the 360 browser because it is safer - it is a malware loaded POS - basically a clone of IE with Chinese government spyware included.

2
0

Scientists splice mammoth genes into unsuspecting elephant

Ian Emery
Bronze badge
Trollface

Re: Cool

How long before Iceland is selling horsemeat under the "MammothBurger" name??

5
0

Winning a brand new BOFH T-Shirt is as simple as...

Ian Emery
Bronze badge
Facepalm

A clean desk is a sign of a sick mind

I said this to my boss once.

I just wish someone had warned me he had spent 18 months locked in a padded room a few years before.

(NOT a Joke Alert)

0
0

Windows 10 build 10041: 99 bugs on the wall, fix a bug, add a feature, 114 bugs on the wall

Ian Emery
Bronze badge
Windows

Why do I have the sudden sinking feeling that.....

Win10 is going to make Win8 look good.

(Icon for old codger STILL using XP)

6
0

Internet Explorer LIVES ON, cackle sneaky Microsoft engineers

Ian Emery
Bronze badge
Trollface

"even the name has been picked to suggest simplicity, speed and hardiness."

Perhaps they should also rename IE - so the name reflects ITS features.

I suggest "Arthritic Sloth"

7
2

Our Endless Numbered Days, Junk DNA and Exotic England

Ian Emery
Bronze badge

The first book sounds suspitously like a true story I remember

Just the names and locations changed.

As for long, boring reads with interesting titles, Try "The Fishing Fleet - Husband Hunting in the Raj"

Not one of them gets bagged and displayed as a trophy on the wall.

0
0

Bride legs it from wedding after groom proves unable to add up

Ian Emery
Bronze badge
FAIL

Not only no IT angle, but old news, all the main news sites covered this story nearly a week ago.

BTW, "Watched Five Children and IT" with my daughter yesterday; REALLY upset at the complete lack of IT equipment; what were they thinking of when coming up with the title??

11
1

Data centre dangers: Killing a tree and exploding a UPS

Ian Emery
Bronze badge

I used to have a job taking care of a distribution warehouse system running on a 100A board - over rated to 300A.

The feed cable used to regularly burn the paint off of the wall.

2
0

Pi(e) Day of the Century is upon us! Time to celebrate 3/14/15 in style, surely?

Ian Emery
Bronze badge
Trollface

I was thinking of saying "Stupid Yanks"

But everybody already knows that.

18
2

Mattel urged to scrap Wi-Fi mic Barbie after Register investigation

Ian Emery
Bronze badge
Paris Hilton

WHY??

Barbie doesnt need to give an intelligent answer; I mean who REALLY pays attention to what someone is actually saying if they are a pretty blonde with big t1ts???

PAris, cos there are rumours she cant count beyond 10 without taking her shoes and socks off.

4
0

Diablo fingered in offensive ASCII art trial doc shock

Ian Emery
Bronze badge
Facepalm

Not being offensive

Just counting to four in binary.

4
0

Litecoin-mining code found in BitTorrent app, freeloaders hit the roof

Ian Emery
Bronze badge

"STUPID fREETARD HERE"

Running the latest version of uTorrent and no sign of Epic Scale on my system - most disappointed.

Thanks to previous posters for offering alternatives, I have recently become hacked off by all the adverts and flashy cr@p spoiling my experiences. Sadly this happens to all good freeware eventually, free-good, free-OK, free-flashy-crappy-ads-everywhere.

5
0

UK spaceport, phase two: Now where do we PUT the bleeding thing?

Ian Emery
Bronze badge

Re: we don't build large rockets. Or small rockets. Or any rockets.

Yes we do.

http://www.starchaser.co.uk/

0
0

Win! El Reg exceedingly fine mug collection

Ian Emery
Bronze badge
Megaphone

Black, White or Green???

What happened to Red????

Yorkshire tea USED to be my favourite tipple before I discovered red tea.

PS, I think the megaphone should be replaced by a Brian Blessed icon!

0
0
Ian Emery
Bronze badge
Headmaster

Re: FTW

That would be tea from India or China would it??

0
0

Tulsa woman bludgeons man mercilessly with laptop

Ian Emery
Bronze badge

He is still alive

SO it wasnt a Panasonic Toughbook

11
0

Lenovo: We SWEAR we're done with bloatware, adware and scumware

Ian Emery
Bronze badge
Facepalm

I suspect Lenovo forgot.

Forgot they were dealing with people outside of China that is.

If you look at Chinese software, it is packed with bloatware and Chinese government spyware; dont believe me? Go download and compare the QQ International and Chinese language versions; the Chinese version comes loaded with so much crap it BROKE the brand new budget PC it was loaded on; the PC slowed down to the speed on a P50 running Vista until many arduous hours were spent manually removing all of the crap that was installed alongside the QQ IM program.

(Hours because of how slow the PC became, running at normal speeds it would have taken minutes!!)

1
0

RIP Leonard Nimoy: He lived long and prospered

Ian Emery
Bronze badge

Getting OLD !!

All my childhood heroes are dead or dying.

Farewell Leonard, good luck on the last great adventure.

56
0

Don't pay for the BBC? Then no Doctor Who for you, I'm afraid

Ian Emery
Bronze badge
Facepalm

Re: Worth every penny...

Downvoters are obviously too young to know this is a quote from the same comedy sketch Blowhard quoted further up this thread. (NTNOCN)

If switching to a CA system, will this mean I can watch Dr Who on iPlayer when I am in China, and not have to BT it a few days later??

(The "D'oh" is for people not knowing classic comedy when it is quoted at them).

4
0

P0wned plug-in puts a million WordPress sites at risk of attack

Ian Emery
Bronze badge
FAIL

Asking the big questions.....

Is WordPress the New Microsoft??

0
1

A truly SHOCKING tale of electrified PCs

Ian Emery
Bronze badge

Tales of a electronics tech

I found some Italian built light boxes in a photo studio where the earth was terminated at a 6mm brass stud.

Sadly, the stud was mounted on hardboard, offering no protection for the rest of the metal light box!!

Also, (to save money) a G.U.S warehouse had its picking cranes wired up with single phase isolators, despite using 2 phases to provide the power to the crane controls.

A foreman found this out the hard way after isolating the cab and sticking his hand into a faulty heater. From then on, his nickname was Scorch.

2
0

This one weird script continually crashes Android email

Ian Emery
Bronze badge
FAIL

Spread the blame

to chip maskers as well, I cannot update my Umi Zero to Lollypop because the people behind the new octacore cpu wont release the details required, so the phone makers are stuck.

BTW, this talks about the default Android email app.... can I therefore assume that if I only use the Gmail app I will be OK??

3
0

A cookie with a 7,984-year lifespan. Blimey, Roy Batty only got 4!

Ian Emery
Bronze badge
Childcatcher

Think of the Children!!!

All these cookies are the REAL reason they are getting so FAT!!

OK, so it is a joke, but I can only choose one icon.

3
0

Want to find LOVE online? Make sure your name is high up in the alphabet

Ian Emery
Bronze badge

"Incidentally, women find a man more attractive when they see other women smiling at him "

Amazing, but true; a woman I went to meet from an internet dating site was showing VERY little interest in me until two cuties smiled at me; she them clung on to my arm with a death grip for the next hour.

Still didnt work out though, partly because I found out she was a closet smoker.

I can guarantee you will gets lots of interest if you sign up to one of the many "Anastasia" websites; even just entering your name (no photo), will be enough to generate 10-15 letters of interest per week -

Of course on "Anastasia" sites you have to PAY to open the letters sent to you - but they wouldnt be dishonest and pay women to write to you .... would they??

3
0

UN negotiations menaced by THOUSANDS of TOPLESS LADIES with MAYONNAISE

Ian Emery
Bronze badge
WTF?

BTW

For those that dont know, a "babushka" is a wrinkled old grandma.

0
0
Ian Emery
Bronze badge
Paris Hilton

Re: Topless ladies with mayonaise?

Worst case?? I think that depends on if the ladies in Question are Belarusian babushkas or not; in that event, not even peanut butter and whips will save the day.

Now if it was Paris or Taylor Swift mind you........

4
0

You'll NEVER guess who has bought I Taught Taylor Swift How To Give Head dot-com

Ian Emery
Bronze badge
Paris Hilton

Perhaps it is time for the Paris icon to be retired - and replaced with a T.S. one.

Paris - because the cat is already out of the bag on ITAUGHTPARISHILTONTOGIVEHEAD.COM

(seem the film and read the book).

2
0

Update - Boffins: COMETS are like FRIED ICE CREAM. Mmm

Ian Emery
Bronze badge
Alien

I'VE KNOWN THAT FOR YEARS.

Have the scientists finally read "Lucifer's Hammer" ??

4
0

$10,000 Ethernet cable promises BONKERS MP3 audio experience

Ian Emery
Bronze badge
Windows

Too Cheap

I am worried someone might try these cables on a Dell - and invalidate their warranty.

0
0

They've finally solved it: Schrödinger's cat is both ALIVE AND DEAD

Ian Emery
Bronze badge
Paris Hilton

Huh??

I thought this only worked for spherical cats in a vacuum??

Besides, the cat is dead, I mean exactly how long ago did Shrodinger PUT the cat in the box, and what is the maximum lifespan for a cat??

Paris, my favourite box AND pussy - all rolled into one.

6
0

Sonos revamps Wi-Fi speaker app, admits: 'We made things worse'

Ian Emery
Bronze badge
Mushroom

Re: Noisy f**kers!

Nice idea, but I dont like spending stupid money on tinny sounding speakers for each room, I prefer a giant pair of BRIAN BLESSED's to BLAST THE MUSIC OUT!!!!

My old neighbours were stone deaf, the current ones arent (yet).

2
0

O2 notifies data cops 'for courtesy' ... AFTER El Reg intervenes in email phish dustup

Ian Emery
Bronze badge

Can I add the BBC to the list of email sellers??

This is fairly ancient, but back in the early nouties, the BBC were running a competition for under 12's.

My son (age 6 at the time), entered using my email and home address

THE ONE AND ONLY TIME THE TWO HAVE BEEN LINKED WITH HIS NAME.

(He lived with his mother).

Within weeks I started getting spam email and waste paper through the letterbox in his name - offering him credit cards, test drives of new sports cars etc.

0
0

Win! The Ultimate Cash 'n' Carrion Survival Kit

Ian Emery
Bronze badge

Those blades look awfully sharp

I hope the IT manager doesnt accidentally walk into them 20 or 30 times.........

9
0

Yahoo!'s Firefox search hook-up pays off as it nicks Google's US clicks

Ian Emery
Bronze badge
Black Helicopters

Every time I tried to switch back to Google, I got a security warning pop-up; clicking either YES or No had the same result - Yahoo back as the default - NOT HAPPY.

I had to go digging around, and even now I am not 100% certain I have gotten rid of the moronic Yahoo option.

0
1

Crackdown on eBay sellers 'failing to display' VAT numbers

Ian Emery
Bronze badge
Black Helicopters

Rip-Off Britain

You know the fixing goes on both ways. I have been trying to send some baby stuff out to a relative in China, if I use the UK ParcelForce website it will cost me over £130 for about 7KG; if I use a CHINESE parcel company associated with ParcelForce it costs me under £30.

That is a LOT more than VAT can account for.

Same depot, same staff, same delivery time - go figure.

1
1

Google boffins PROVE security warnings don't ... LOOK! A funny cat!

Ian Emery
Bronze badge

Google need to fix their own issues

I get security alerts for Gmail 3-4 time per week when trying to log in via Thunderbird, and this week it kept throwing password errors - before admitting it was blocking TB for being an insecure program!!

6
0

Page:

Forums