* Posts by Ian Emery

1089 posts • joined 9 Aug 2007

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Japan's Hitomi space 'scope bricked, declared lost after software bug

Ian Emery
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Paris Hilton

Latest theory.

The rumour mill suggests it was a forced upgrade to Windows 10 while in mid manoeuvre wot killed it.

Paris, she can tumble my gyroscopes any time.

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Pop goes the weasel! Large Hadron Collider blown up by critter chomping 66kV cable

Ian Emery
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Re: Assumptions...

Strange, David Cameron. came to my mind.

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Ian Emery
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Alien

Re: Half a pound of tupenny rice...

I'm more worried about him surviving in the tunnel and developing super powers, from the radiation.

Is it a furry bird??

Is it a hairy train??

NO!!

It's SUPER WEASEL !!

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Must listen: We've found the real Bastard Operator From Hell

Ian Emery
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Windows

Will it be released as an EP ??

What will the "B" side be.

(VERY old windows user)

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Rampant robot tries to rip my clothes off

Ian Emery
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I used an online Robot doctor last week

It took my symptoms and gave me a list of possible causes; by adding info about my auto-immune issues I got the list down to 6, and common sense got me down to one - which was Red Flagged with "Urgent Medical Attention Required".

Straight off to hospital, Robot diagnosis confirmed and 2 weeks of anti-biotics prescribed with a "Come back at once if it doesnt start to clear up"

My only issue is the meds are giving me insomnia; not had a decent nights sleep in a week.

[In my best Janet Street Porter accent] "Maybe it couldnt understand your accent"

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Carl Icahn: Will someone rid my portfolio of this rotten Apple?

Ian Emery
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Whelks chance in a supernova

With the Chinese government starting to block iThing services the same way it blocks Google, I wouldnt hold my breath about him reinvesting.

Where is the

"WE DOOMED, DOOMED I TELL YOU!!!" icon??

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Your mother has a smooth forehead, Klingon language lovers roar at Paramount

Ian Emery
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You HAVE to hear "Jingle Bells" in the original Klingon rendering; the translation to English doesnt do it justice.

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Which keys should I press to enable the CockUp feature?

Ian Emery
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Alert

Undocumented keystrokes are just a small child away

My 1 y/o wiped my browser history, bookmarks and passwords with one bash of the keyboard.

Hence giving her an old PC to play with.

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Romania suffers Eurovision premature ejection

Ian Emery
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Do they allow camping?

Is it true that, following this news, hotel rooms in Romania are fully booked for the 2nd week of May??

Can I PLEASE pitch a tent somewhere in the country for that week!!??!!

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Sysadmin given Licence To Perve shows why you always get it in writing

Ian Emery
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Re: SAID NO MANAGER EVER

Had it happen to me, he wandered into the control room and found me reading a newspaper; so launched straight into a rant in front of all the control room staff.

I patiently let him finished, then informed him my shift didnt start for another 35 minutes, but I had left home an hour early to make sure I arrived on time, as I the snow was pretty deep and it was a 15 mile drive through the hills to reach the place..

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Ian Emery
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Re: "What have you had to get in writing?"

Not just email; I had the Child Support Agency come after me - 16 YEARS after I beat them in court; unluckily for them, I had kept all the paperwork, and as soon as I started quoting reference numbers at them, they stopped trying to steal my wages.

BTW, this salary grab was covert, they tried it without bothering to contact me first; if my boss hadnt been a family member.......

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'Impossible' EmDrive flying saucer thruster may herald new theory of inertia

Ian Emery
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Question

When will it be ready to power my flying car??

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Toshiba notebook disk drive slims down. You like that, gamers?

Ian Emery
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POP! Goes the Hard Drive!!

Having had a 3 week old SSD go pop mid session, I have to agree.

On another note, will this drive still be labelled "Hitachi" in the firmware??

My PCs are full of Hitachi/Toshiba drives, especially after a run of Seagate drive failures this year; a 240GB Patriot SSD for each PC's OS and program folder, but all the data goes onto the spinning rust.

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Mitsubishi 'fesses up: We lied in fuel tests to make our cars look great

Ian Emery
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Black Helicopters

Going by the appalling mpg my MMC motor gets, the Euro figures are honest.

And I do mean appalling, but it is very close to the official mpg.

On the up side, 8 years old and NOTHING has gone wrong with it; I havent even had to change a bulb.

Black chopper, because with my mpg, the chopper is cheaper to run.

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Snafu! BT funnels all customers' sent email into one poor sod's inbox

Ian Emery
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Windows

BT and Yahoo

I vaguely remember these names, are they still around?? I havent used them since last century.

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Censorship FTW! China bans Paris Hilton, minor Kardashians et al

Ian Emery
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Re: Banning the fluff"

Having had to put up with SWMBO watching Chinese soap operas, I think it is a bit late for the Chinese government to ban "fluff".

Mind you, I also doubt it will be effective; a few years back they banned "Shows featuring Time Travel", yet loads of my nieces teenage friends were into Dr Who when I was out there last.

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Ian Emery
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Coat

STOP TEASING!!

Based on the headline, I was already planning to buy a Karaoke bar on Sanya city beach; lucky I read the rest of it, and realised they werent banning the Kardashians from entering the country.

Thats my coat, the one WITHOUT the green hat in the pocket.

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Idiot millennials are saving credit card PINs on their mobile phones

Ian Emery
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bin doing that for decades

Since my first mobile phone (The Nokia Orange), I have kept any new PINs as part of a faked up phone book entry.

These days it is easier, as most banks let you change the pin to something you can remember, but you still need to remember the one they set until you can reach that elusive Branch ATM.

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Intel's XPoint emperor has no clothes, only soiled diapers

Ian Emery
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Paris Hilton

Figures from the original development pitch??

This products expected speed probably WAS 1,000 times faster than the industry average when they started developing it.

This weeks Hyper expensive component is next weeks mid range star, and next months bargain bucket remainder.

I miss Paris, I havent seen a new leaked nude video/photo in days.

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Admin fishes dirty office chat from mistyped-email bin and then ...?

Ian Emery
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Windows

Re: correct the addy

I'm an evil sod, I would have corrected the address to the right person - but "accidentally" CC'ed everyone on the internal email list to get a copy.

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Spanish launch heroic bid to seize Brit polar vessel

Ian Emery
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Re: Offended by Blas de Lezo...

Good idea.

Everyone log in and vote for "A Day".

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Here's a great idea: Let's make a gun that looks like a mobile phone

Ian Emery
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Mushroom

Re: "Absolutely no one can make sense of the United States' infatuation with firearms."

Being heavily armed is working SO WELL for the Syrians, against their government.

(Goes back to reading "Dads Nuke").

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PC World's cloudy backup failed when exposed to ransomware

Ian Emery
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Gimp

What scare me is this...

"Amy was sold KnowHow cloud on the basis that it was "military safe", according to her account."

If this is true, our armed services will be reduced to using pointy sticks when the Russians invade.

I for one welcome our vodka swilling overlords.....

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Who'd be mad enough to start a 'large-scale fire' in a spaceship?

Ian Emery
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Ré the other experiments

Is one of them, trying to toast marsh melons??

(Only had 1/2 my morning pint of coffee, so the best II can come up with).

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CK Hutchison/O2: 'Four networks' dogma risks one giant and three hopeless dwarves

Ian Emery
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Never give up hope

After 5 years of getting 0.02Mbps on my local (LOS) O2 mast, my complaints were finally listened to (I wrote to the CEO), and now I get an average 1.29Mbps.

My wife has even detected signs of 4G on her phone, despite the nearest 4G transmitter supposedly being 10 miles away.

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Microsoft's done a terrible job with its Windows 10 nagware

Ian Emery
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FAIL

WELL DONE MICROSOFT

The line you crossed is not so far behind you, the curvature of the Earth hides it.

Now no one will ever trust you ever again.

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Reprogrammble routers axed by TP-Link as FCC bans custom firmware

Ian Emery
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Re: TP Link

I bought one of the first TP Link routers as an emergency replacement - when my Netgear MELTED; it was so good, so configurable, AND SO CHEAP, I havent looked at another make since.

I now have an Archer VR200, a brilliant piece of kit that can run ADSL, Fibre and 3/4G internet; 2.4GHz Wifi is a bit weak with the standard antenna, but 5GHz blasts through the house with a solid 235Mbps throughput from the router at the front of the house, to this PC at the back.

It connects to my local Fibre cabinet at a solid 100Mbps, although BT obviously limit the connection to 80Mbps (actually 79.995Mbps)

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A typo stopped hackers siphoning nearly $1bn out of Bangladesh

Ian Emery
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Pint

I just checked my account

They havent stolen my £13.76p yet.

(it was nearer £20 before I ordered the pint).

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Knackered Euro server turns Panasonic smart TVs into dumb TVs

Ian Emery
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Time for my new Expression

Panasonic are going downhill so fast, when you look at the floor you can see the red shift.

I was a Pana fan, owning a succession of Pana TVs for over two decades, but in the last few years they have lost the plot, (even though picture quality is still lush).

I am now praying NK dont launch an attack, because my new TVs are LG.

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Samsung is now shipping a 15TB whopper of an SSD. Farewell, spinning rust

Ian Emery
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Alert

Re: Expensive

Make sure you have a VERY regular back up of any important data you store on them; because unlike spinning rust, you may get NO warning of failure.

I had a 3 week old Enterprise Class SSD drive totally fail at the end of January; system crashed without warning and on reboot the drive was dead, not even recognised as a drive.

Which reminds me, I havent sent the bugger back yet.

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Windows 10 claimed another point of desktop share in February

Ian Emery
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Boffin

Traffic counts cant tell you

How many of those people actually LIKE Win10, or how many are just unable to figure out how to upgrade back to Win7 after a sneaky M$ upgrade.

Before the stampede of people saying "It is easy to go back", please remember I am talking about the users who dont know where the "Any Key" key is.

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Photographer hassled by Port of Tyne for filming a sign on a wall

Ian Emery
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El Reg needs to step up

We need a Shirt/T Shirt/Fleece with the words

"I AM TAKING PHOTOS WHILE

STOOD ON PUBLIC LAND.

GET OVER IT"

In large print.

When will they be available to buy from the shop??

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ICO fined cold-call firm £350k – so directors put it into liquidation

Ian Emery
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Re: I'm sick of such PPI calls

NHS systems have the option to enable CLI, but even when you tell them the call will be blocked if they dont, they STILL usually try to call you with it disabled.

The Police system blocks CLI and supposedly, they cant turn it off.

Yeah, the judgement is a joke; never going to see a penny of it; in fact they will probably spend twice as much trying to enforce it.

UK law almost never goes after company directors, the governments (of all flavours), love their money too much.

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Hands on with Xiaomi's Mi 5: Great smartphone, but when do we get it?

Ian Emery
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Wait a while before ordering.

Early adopters are going to get gouged, the current prices being asked pre-launch are about 50% OVER the reported launch prices, for the top model they are asking nearly £450.

And dont forget you may well have to pay import duty/VAT when it lands in the UK, taking it to about £550 - depending on the admin fee gouge from the people handling the shipping in the UK.

I have a friend in China right now, I may ask her if she can pick one up for me at the Chinese price.

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Ian Emery
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Re: Thin bezels - no thanks!

The bezel on my Note is about 4mm, I have dropped it several times, but in and out of a protective case - no damage. My last Samsung got dropped in similar circumstances, and even the rubber case didnt stop the smashing

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Ian Emery
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Re: MIUI

Actually, I LIKE MIUI; some of the early versions themes were a bit "Chinese/Japanese Teenage Girl", but other than the odd problem (gps switch missing from some versions), I enjoy using it more than any other phone I have tried.

And Xiaomi also allows you to do what you want with the phone; there is even a port of IOS available to try.

(I proudly own a Note 3G I bought brand new a year ago, for the princely sum of £84).

BTW, a Spare battery and external charger for the spare battery cost me less than £5 a couple of months ago; I dont really need them though, the battery lasts me for days.

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Ian Emery
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Re: Dual SIM

Yes, they do; I just cannot remember the name of the model I came across a few months back; dual 4G with 4G Data on both SIMS, I even think they could both run at the same time.

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Barking spider prompts Spanish clan shoot-out

Ian Emery
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Holmes

Next time

Next time, they should do what the Russians do - and blame the dog.

Even if there isnt one.

No Joke.

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Toaster cooks network and burns 'expert' user's credibility to a crisp

Ian Emery
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Trollface

He probably blamed the new network for killing his toaster.

Troll....... or is it??

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Bleeping Computer sued by Enigma Software over moderator's forum post

Ian Emery
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Give all you can and help bankrupt the shysters

As soon as I know how much I have left after paying for the family holiday, I will be dontating as much as I can spare.

BC saved my bacon a few years ago; an infection, which I probably got from the college intranet, nearly deleted all of my degree coursework.

It took a week to recover everything that could be saved, and to get the PC working again, but that was 9 weeks less than it took the college IT department!!

Since then I have used the now defunct SDFix and ComboFix to sort out several family and friends PCs (IMHO most teenage girls should NEVER be allowed access to a computer!!!).

In one case, the virus total exceeded 40K, but ComboFix cleared out what MWB and SpyBot S&D couldnt get to.

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Meet Barra's baby: Xiaomi arrives with a splash

Ian Emery
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Re: Nice looking phone.

Read my post, Xiaomi are trying VERY hard to take over the market, build quality is excellent, and OS updates are regular; you can also opt for the Beta or Developer update program.

Beta updates come out every week, and developers get them nightly.

If you are brave, you can have FULL control over what is installed on your phone - meaning you can delete anything you want - including important parts of the OS if you arent careful.

The only thing I dont like about Xiaomi is the REALLY slow MIUI forum website; it is slow to load, slow to navigate and sluggish to respond to anything; downloading a different ROM can be a pain, especially once you have gotten used to a fibre internet connection.

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Ian Emery
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Re: removable battery? Sd slot? rootable?

All Xiaomi (all MIUI OS) phones are rootable.

I can possibly blame this guy for removing the sd support, as suddenly (now he is gone) Samsung have brought them back - and Xiaomi have dropped them from much of their range.

I have a Xiaomi Note, it is a great phone, that still gets updates to the MIUI OS, even though they are now selling the Note 3; and yes, there have been Mi1, Mi2, Mi3 and Mi4 phones already, so Mi5 is not a surprise.

The only real downer for many people will be that MIUI OS is STILL based on KitKat 4.4.2, although rumours of - and unofficial ports of - Lollipop and Marshmallow are out there.

I havent checked out the full specs for the phone yet on the MIUI forums, sometimes the wrong info gets given out on precise specs; GSMArena have been wrong plenty of times; but I wouild expect the 4G to work on most of the UK networks; some of the older phones dont do 800Mhz ( used by O2 mostly), but other recent launches HAVE included it.

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San Francisco* to get 1Gbps Google Fiber

Ian Emery
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Trollface

San Francisco* to get 1Gbps Google Fiber

Does that mean they are all sharing the one connection?? Sounds like the typical US set up.

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Lonely bloke in chem suit fuels Mars orbiter

Ian Emery
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Windows

Just skimmed the article

This is powered by soup made from magic mushrooms??

(Sorry, all those big words early on have made my head spin and I lost the plot)

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Between you, EE and the lamppost ... this UK cell network is knackered

Ian Emery
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Re: To EE customers - it could be worse

We joined for the cheap calls, especially to China Mobile, as my wife is Chinese; this is the only reason we have stayed; but my wife now usually uses Weechat or QQ to talk to her family, so mobile data is more important that cheap voice calls; we will be switching networks either this Spring, or when I go for my next phone (maybe late summer).

The CEO of O2 personally promised to get it sorted out months ago, but nothing has happened and now we have run out of patience.

No wonder O2 is circling the drain.

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Ian Emery
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Re: To EE customers - it could be worse

Because it is a freaking firmware problem with the tower, UPLOADS are about 1.8Mbps.

Waitrose run hotspots sponsored by O2, the store is about 200m from the mast, and (like my office), has a direct, uninterrupted line of sight to the mast; guess what the connection speeds are??

Yeah, that's right - 0.02Mbps.

Effing pathetic.

Luckily, we dont use mobile data much, and if we do, it is usually away from our local area, where the masts are all configured correctly.

0.02Mb - you cant even load a blank webpage without it timing out.

My next phone upgrade and I will be switching to THREE.

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Ian Emery
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To EE customers - it could be worse

You could be on O2/GiffGaff.

My local speeds (with full 5bar H+) are.....

0.02Mbps.

That is day in, day out for FIVE YEARS.

Even complaining to the CEO hasnt got it fixed.

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D&D geeks were right – their old rule books ARE worth something now

Ian Emery
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Sounds like a troll

Plenty of ways to digitise a book without destroying it.

Does the website also list "Methods of charging an iPhone using a microwave oven" ??

Or

"Using an iPad to measure your weight" ??

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What we all really need is an SD card for our cars. Thanks, SanDisk

Ian Emery
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Holmes

Options for idiots

Coming to Fleabay/Amazon soon...

Sandisk SD card for Nissan

Sandisk SD card for BMW

Sandisk SD card for Mercedes

Sandisk SD card for MG

Sandisk SD card for Renault

Sandisk SD card for Peugeot

Sandisk SD card for Volvo

Sandisk SD card for Volkswagon

Sandisk SD card for Skoda

Sandisk SD card for Vauxhall

Sandisk SD card for Seat

Sandisk SD card for Rolls Royce

Sandisk SD card for.................................

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Terrified robots will take middle class jobs? Look in a mirror

Ian Emery
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Windows

Still looking at the headline, abnd wondering why the robots are terrified.

Pass another pint of coffee please.

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