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* Posts by Ian Emery

563 posts • joined 9 Aug 2007

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Five-year-old discovers Xbox password bug, hacks dad's Live account

Ian Emery
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Re: INFANT?

Tell my why a 17 y/o is called a child in the UK, even though they can drive a car, have babies and join the Army.

(The answer is - governments are stupid, but they set the laws).

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Too late, Blighty! Samsung boffins claim breakthrough graphene manufacturing success

Ian Emery
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Alien

Re: The Fountains of Paradise.

Its about time someone mentioned the most useful application; Korea is quite near to the equator.......

[Doors closing] "Floor 1 million please".

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O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! Friday is Pi Day

Ian Emery
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Trollface

Silly Yanks; cant even get their days and months the right way round.

(REMEMBER 11/9 DISASTER??)

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How AGILE DIPLOMACY will spike PUTIN'S GUNS

Ian Emery
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It's good to have friends in disparate places

I have a friend living in Ukraine, near Crimea, he tells me that he, his wife and some friends have confronted some of the "local" militia and they have admitted to being Russian troops sent over by the Russian government.

Large numbers of the "protesters" they have confronted speak with strong Rostok accents and have watches set to Russian time (1 hour different to Ukraine).

Local Ukrainian "Russians" are mystified by the alleged mistreatment Putin is reporting against them, and many of them publicly state they do not want Russia in Crimea; even Pravda headlines are mostly anti-Putin on this issue.

Putin wants the USSR back, Crimea is just the first move, with Eastern Ukraine already under threat and Poland, and the other old vassals next in line.

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Ian Emery
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Meh

Sadly, this comical plan probably has a better chance of working than anything the government has thought of.

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Windows XP market share GROWS AGAIN, outstrips Win 8.1 surge

Ian Emery
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Pint

So XP becomes abandonware in a few months

Does that means my copies of TinyXP will become legal??

(TinyXP - XP with all the crap removed)

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China in the grip of a 'NUCLEAR WINTER': Smog threat to crops

Ian Emery
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It's OK

Large parts of the UK are now suitable for growing rice, so we wont go without.

This could stop me eating out in down-town Nanning for 40p per person though.

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Magnets to stick stuff to tablets: Yup, there's an Apple patent application for that

Ian Emery
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I have been using blu-tak to do the same job for years.... can I sue??

(Where is the "Money Grubber" icon when you need it??)

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Mathematicians spark debate with 13 GB proof for Erdős problem

Ian Emery
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Fortunes to be made.....

.... publishing this in book form next Christmas.

In the mean time, hire a few Chinese students to read through it, or send it to Private Eye for a review.

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Fujitsu launches lappie for oldies

Ian Emery
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Windows

Me to

I spend at least half my time editing what I have typo'd!!

This new lappie for oldies, will it have a better DVD tray, to hold my cocoa mug more securely??

I know what it looks like, but it is really a self-heating can of cocoa.

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El Reg BuzzFelch: 10 Electrical Connectors You CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT!

Ian Emery
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FAIL

Re: What about the first universal power supply outlet?

That would be the domestic light socket - if you watch a few B&W UK films and see the number of people powering electric irons from them.

The car lighter is almost brand new in comparison.

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Yahoo! Mail! users! change! your! passwords! NOW!

Ian Emery
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Would this be a recent breach??

Or the one that occurred 12 months ago finally being acknowledged??

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Ditch IE7 and we'll give you a FREE COMPUTER, says incautious US firm

Ian Emery
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Paris Hilton

Just a thought

What will they give me if I turn up at their website using Mosaic, a new house??

Paris can give me a bed bath any time!!

(Just dont tell the wife!!)

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Yes, HP will still sue you if you make cartridges for its inkjet printers

Ian Emery
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Re: HP print management software

Our HP Pro 100 MFP was whining about empty colour toners from January 2013 until November 2013, ditto the black, they claim to be empty when still over 1/2 full.

Advice on the tech forums is to set the empty warning to 1% to minimise the annoying pop-ups, and then ignore the pop-ups until the print quality starts to fall.

BTW I have a hideously expensive 6890 that I bought WEEKS before Win7 was released - HP have NEVER updated the drivers for it, so I have a choice of XP or Vista.

The software is so bad that if I try to do a print head clean or calibration and the ink level is too low, it BSODs the computer.

It is a damned good quality printer for all that, photos and text are superb, and it is as fast as most sub-£250 lasers; but time moves on and my XP box is getting arthritic, so I need something that will work on my Win7 box.

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Ian Emery
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Price Comparison

Buy a set of "OFFICIAL" replacement toners for most colour lasers and you are looking at ~£250

Buy a set of "REMANUFACTURED" toners and you are looking at ~£150

Buy a set of brand new 3rd party toners (from China) and you are looking at ~£100

Buy toner powder and refill yourself - including chips (from China) and you are looking at ~£25

I have been a HP customer for many years, but crappy, bloated and badly written software installs, lack of driver updates and now this means I am looking elsewhere for my new printer.

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NASA's Opportunity rover celebrates 10 years on Mars with a FILTHY selfie

Ian Emery
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Never mind the rock

has no-one noticed the rover seems to be driving over some ancient "crazy paving"??!! I suggest they keep a look-out for patio heaters and garden gnomes.

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UK IT supplier placed on ASA naughty step over 'misleading' HDD ad

Ian Emery
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FAIL

Lots of places cheaper than Aria.

I used to use Aria, but about four years ago one of their forum "Mods" (and suspected employee), referred to my wife as a whore.

My complaint was answered by...

the same mod!!!

Not bought anything from them since.

BTW, heard a lot of stories about "Mr Arias" head swelling after his TV show appearances, and customer service falling through the floor on a semi-regular basis.

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Look out, Earth! Here comes China Operating System (aka Linux)

Ian Emery
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Re: The install package will (of course), be three times that of a vanilla install (@ Ian Emery)

Actually, they only have ONE written language; and I speak from experience on how much spyware, malware and crapware they install by default on the "local" version, I cleaned it all out of my (Chinese) wifes computer and got the final install down to nearly the same size as the international version.

PS. Text input is done in "PinYin" which uses English characters that convert on-screen in Chinese ideograms.

PPS I have also had experience of the Chinese "360" Internet browser and Security suite, which is basically a rip off of Internet Explorer and also chock full of malware, spyware et al; so much so it actually shows as malware on most Western AV and AM packages (and breaks underpowered PCs with its payload demands).

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Ian Emery
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The install package will (of course), be three times that of a vanilla install

That is based on the amount of crapware, malware and spyware installed alongside other famous Chinese language software packages.

Strangely, the international (English), versions of these packages are only a fraction of the size.

Dont believe me?? Go compare the Chinese language and International versions of QQ, the Chinese version of Skype/IM.

(Go Compare! Go Compare!!# argh!!, now I have visions of that nasty bloke with the twisty moustache stuck in my head).

PS, hasnt anyone told G.C. that Blakey was an INSPECTOR, not a driver yet??

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Hong Kong’s mobile-mad cabbies told to ditch dashboard devices

Ian Emery
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From experience

I would say HK taxis are safer than Russian taxis, at least in HK you have a seat belt; the last time I went in a Russian taxi, all the seatbelt mounts were missing.

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Furtive ebook readers push Hitler's Mein Kampf up the charts

Ian Emery
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Comic Book Version??

Or perhaps Manga.

I own a copy of "The Iron Dream" and "Spock Must Die"; believe it or not, there are WORSE books out there.

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Thought the toilet camera was weird? Try actual thumb flash drives from tech's supershow

Ian Emery
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Trollface

Close, but not close enough

Nearly, but not quite shaped like an ANAL PLUG.

Keep trying guys!!!!

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If you're still waiting for Firefox on Windows 8, don't hold your breath

Ian Emery
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My advice to Mozilla

Give up on Win8 and hope that Win9 isnt a bag of shite as well.

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Boffins invent LUMINOUS PIGS again, glow-in-dark bacon sarnies presumably imminent

Ian Emery
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A bit late

The Chinese already have glow-in-the-dark bacon, and you dont need a UV light either; it is caused by a type of bacteria found growing on contaminated bacon joints in Singapore and Hong Kong last year.

If I can find a link to the original news story I will post it later.

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El Reg's contraptions confessional no.4: Yamaha retro synth, valve oscilloscope and more

Ian Emery
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1963 oscilloscope??

If you had posted this a couple of years ago I could have trumped you with a 1938 Cossor (spl??) I had stored in its original teak box, out in the garage (FAR too heavy to lift into the loft!!).

The Cossor originally came from RRE in Malvern, where it probably helped to develop RADAR during WW2; I got it from my employers training centre where they had decided to dispose of it - just after I had given it a thorough service and spruce-up.

The bandwidth went all the way out to 20Khz!!!!

I also had a couple of similar era signal generators from the same source.

Sadly they all "disappeared" while I was out of the country.

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US military's RAY-GUN truck BLASTS DRONES, mortars OUT OF THE SKY

Ian Emery
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Baby Elephants in platform sole shoes, and flying gliders.

I am still waiting for the US to deploy the weapons suggested in the book Footfall (although not the "foot" itself).

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Ian Emery
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Joke

Re: Doesn't stop a kinetic attack

Forget the catapult - or even a dogapult; go for a horseapult*

In most of the areas the US envision this would be deployed, a sudden influx of carrion would be swiftly followed by a sudden influx of carrion eaters. Once the number of vultures is high enough, resume with "LIVE" rounds and watch the laser try to shoot around the "chaff" flying about.

* Please note the more common cowapult couldnt be used in many areas due to the local religious beliefs.

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Chester Cathedral smites net in Wi-Fi SMUT OUTRAGE

Ian Emery
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Devil

Pubeappocolypse

Surely looking at a close-up of a gonorrhoea infected gash is more appealing than inspecting the contents of a McDodgy burger; COME ON McDs!!!!!

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Sick to death of Xmas? Try these explosive gift ideas

Ian Emery
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knock off??

Isnt DV a Russian knock-off of the Pan Galactic Gargleblaster??

Once described and like being hit by a slice of lemon - wrapped in a large gold brick.

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Sceptic-bait E-Cat COLD FUSION generator goes on sale for $US1.5m

Ian Emery
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Re: WTF?

The only people who got rich during the various US gold rushes were a couple of lucky SOBs and a lot of people selling food and mining equipment.

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Ian Emery
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Windows

Re: Don't stand too close

Let me expand that slightly.

We boil water to make electricity to boil water (amongst other things).

(Thats a pint mug of coffee and yes, I do look like that first thing in the morning).

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False widow spiders in guinea pig slaughter horror

Ian Emery
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Megaphone

You

eight legged FREAKS!!!!!

(Sorry, I couldn't resist.)

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'MacGyver' geezer makes 'SHOTGUN, GRENADE' from airport shop tat

Ian Emery
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Re: Steak Knives

You dont even need to pony up to the bar sometimes.

Having spent nearly 2 hours getting through Security, and having had a jar of Jam (it is NOT a liquid!!), and a multi-tool with a 2" blade confiscated, I climbed onto the 747 and was handed a 7" steak knife - along with EVERY other passenger - to eat our airline mush with.

(Beijing, 2011, China Southern Airline).

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Ian Emery
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Good Luck entering a US airport ever again.

The TSA are notoriously "dumb", so much so, they have taken over from the Russian Police in the "Why do "x" travel in three's??" joke; so they will probably require him to be bound, shackled and blind folded before entering the terminal for any future flights.

"Can I see your boarding pass please"

"Mmmff pocmmmit."

"I see; will the sack truck be travelling with you??"

"Mmmpf ou."

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Romance is dead: Part-time model slings $1.5bn SUEBALL at Match.com

Ian Emery
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An in-depth trawl of UK dating sites a few years ago showed that all the women were "slim" with at least 38" chests; although strangely, the one a friend went to meet had a 58" chest and weighed about 350Kg.

In dating, either domestic or international - video-chat is your best weapon; I've dated numerous women from overseas - and married a Chinese girl - but never actually met a scammer, GTG or GCG.

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Boffins baffled after Sun fails to fry satellites

Ian Emery
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Supplies Gathered......

...now, can anyone tell me where to buy factor 1,000,000 sunblock??

We are also over-due for an Ice Age scare, the Global Warming scare has been going on far too long. I miss the ice age doom and gloom foretold on my "Future Ecology and Alternate Fuel Sources" University course from the late 70's. BRING ON THE SIXTH WINTER, my skis are waxed and ready to go!!!

(No icon as I am only partially joking.)

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Vintage WINE laid down in SIXTEEN HUNDRED BC was 'psychotropic'

Ian Emery
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Re: Carlsberg?

I think you have the wrong end of the stick; this was booze for the Hooray Henry's of the day.

Even today, sticking a bit of poo into something seems to be de rigor for the well heeled Hoorays, just go read the review on "Which" regarding Fortnam&Masons mince pies.

(Or look here for a brief news report on the tests http://www.bitterwallet.com/which-reveals-the-best-mince-pies/70022 )

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New inkjet printer spits out cheap OLED monitors better than your inkjet prints letters

Ian Emery
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Windows

{Waits for Apple/Samsung/HP/Epson/Kodak/Patent Troll to sue them}

(Thats COFFEE in the pint mug - it IS early after all, and I need my wake-up call.)

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Google makes Gmail EVEN NOISIER, or should that be nosier?

Ian Emery
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Coffee/keyboard

large reginal ISP

The Queen owns an ISP??

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Unsung DEAD WHALE EXPLODER hero, who gave the early internet a purpose, passes away

Ian Emery
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Paris Hilton

No bowl of petunias???

Just wondering if this event inspired a certain Mr Adams

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Swedish teen's sex video fine slashed: Unwilling co-star girlfriend furious

Ian Emery
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Re: Did you just ask for a link to underage porn?

OK, I understand your concern, but the Reg DOESNT put up posts in real time*, I have no idea how long after I made my post it appeared, but it was BEFORE the hidden camera update was added.

* I have made comments when no other comment is on-line (such as this story), - but found myself on page 3 of the comments list more than once.

As for the speed on my reply - coincidence. I finally got home after being out all day, read through my usual list of news sites - saw your reply and made my own, then went back to work for another few hours.

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Ian Emery
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FAIL

Re: Did you just ask for a link to underage porn?

Is the "Troll" icon too subtle for you???

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Ian Emery
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Trollface

Link to the Torrent - or it never happened.

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Surface Pro 2: It's TOOL-PROOF and ultimately destined for LANDFILL

Ian Emery
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FAIL

Time I think

to start rating by 0.1's, as otherwise they are going to need minus numbers.

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Chinese hotel guests find data spaffed all over the internet

Ian Emery
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Re: Travel - it's like that...

"This info is required by Chinese law. No internet access without a real identity."

I can confirm this, even for McD's free wifi you have to provide this info in China (and McD only give you 30 minutes access - it takes nearly that long to get through the sign-up!!)

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UK's tech capital named: Read it and weep, Tech City startup hipsters

Ian Emery
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Joke

Are they sure those figures dont include every tech worker stuck on the motorway during their "counts"?? Some of them may get counted 10-12 times during their slow, unsteady journey to work.

(On the basis the motorway system around London is so slow, several councils are thinking of charging council tax on cars sat in their borough for so long.)

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11m Chinese engulfed by 'Airpocalypse' at 4000% of safe pollution levels

Ian Emery
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If any of you followed the Asia-Pacific News

You would know that China is investing heavily in "Green" power, including a VERY ambitious plan to generate 15% of its power requirements with renewables THIS DECADE - hence the stories about them limiting the export of certain rare earth metals last year - they need them to build their own wind turbines.

But it will take time to overcome decades of corruption, the building of dangerously polluting coal powered power stations and the cover-up of environmental outrages.

The rapid increase in private car use is not helping.

Existing measures have already greatly improved the air quality in cities located in southern China, where in places like Guangzhou, the local government lead the way by having ALL of the state buses converted to LPG. In many southern cities, the old, smoky 2 stroke motorbikes are banned from entering, and even newer bikes have only a limited life before either removal from the city or destruction.

Even so, the smog is noticeable during the morning/evening rush hours.

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BBC's Clangers returns in £5m 'New Age' remake

Ian Emery
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Re: Why can't they write some new programmes?

Two replies, one serious, one not - you decide which is which.

Pingu (not a BBC production) sets very poor family values.

Why??

Pingu is a Penguin.

Pingu's Dad is a Penguin.

Pingu's Mum is a Penguin.

Pingu's baby sister is a PUFFIN!!!!!

And since we saw Mum lay and hatch the egg, we can only presume she has been cheating on Pingu's Dad.

GiggleBiz; the name concerns me as it sounds like they are ripping off the good name of an educational software company that make a series of Nursery and Primary school games under the "Gigglebies" name; a bit like starting up a consumer electronics firm called "Appel"

Say both of them together and try and tell the difference.

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EasyJet website crashes and burns

Ian Emery
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Profits up massively

Since they charge a small fortune if you dont book in electronically, the profits on the website crash must have doubled the operating profit for the day.

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Osborne to China: Keep watching Downton and we'll gloss over Huawei security worries

Ian Emery
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Facepalm

Just a few factual errors.

That and the fact that the Chinese dont wear Kimonos the Japanese do; I hope the Chinese dont read the Register because they HATE the Japanese and get rather annoyed if Japanese customs are mistaken for their own.

The Chinese (Han), womans traditional dress is the Qipao; of which there are two hung in my wifes wardrobe (her being Chinese).

My biggest fear with the new relaxed visa rules for the Chinese is that my MIL may turn up on the doorstep; having her 8 1/2 thousand miles away was one of the big advantages of marrying a Chinese woman!!!

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