* Posts by Ian Emery

854 posts • joined 9 Aug 2007

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US State of Georgia sues 'terrorist' for publishing its own laws ... on the internet

Ian Emery
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Black Helicopters

Lets hope he isnt black

We wouldnt want anything bad to happen to him "accidentally"; especially while in US Police custody.

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A dual-SIM smartphone in your hand beats two in the bush

Ian Emery
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Useful for travellers, both for business and pleasure

I've used a dual SIM phone for years, I can keep my home SIM in there for calls, and a local SIM for cheap calls/internet access.

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Much more Moore's Law, as boffins assemble atom-level transistor

Ian Emery
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Joke

Sueball

That central molecule appears to have rounded corners, Apples lawyers will be in contact soon.

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Your poster guide: A fascinating glimpse into North Korea's 'internet'

Ian Emery
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Paris Hilton

No Kardashian

It almost makes it worth giving up the porn and moving there.

Well, we will always have Paris.

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Did speeding American manhole cover beat Sputnik into space? Top boffin speaks to El Reg

Ian Emery
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Joke

Re: If manhole covers look a bit like dustbin lids...

Ooops, someone dropped a Clanger

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Horrifying MOCK BACON ABOMINATION grown in BUBBLING VATS as ALGAE

Ian Emery
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Alien

In the spirit of Lurkey

May I be the first to christen this product Lurcon.

How fast can we get it shipped up to the ISS, so it can become a real space food??

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Ian Emery
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Upvoting this, but really surprised the veggies and animal huggers havent given it a historical level of downvotes.

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Microsoft nixes A-V updates for XP, exposes 180 MEEELLION luddites

Ian Emery
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Windows

Re: Does the XP Point of Sale improvement still apply?

Yes it does, the windows update installed this afternoon, including the malicious tools removal whatever it is called.

Obviously I blocked the IE8 crud.

MWB updates still works, as do AVAST, Spybot S&D, and LOADS of other stuff.

Me, spending the money I have saved on White Lightening!!!

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Mathematician: SUNSPOT DROUGHT will mean mini ICE AGE from 2030

Ian Emery
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Holmes

Welcome back to the 1970's

I have been saying for a while that it was time to stop pushing global warming and start touting the Ice Age again, and here we are!!!

(See previous posts in Global Warming threads over the last few years).

Hows that Watson??!!

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Pan Am Games: Link to our website without permission and we'll sue

Ian Emery
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Facepalm

Ré email failed

Could that be because you TYPED the letter, instead of writing it??

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From doodles to designs – sketch it out with a stylish stylus

Ian Emery
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Trollface

Toronto2015

Could you use one of these pens to write a letter asking permission to link to the aboves Pan Am Games website???

(They require a WRITTEN letter, and my PC currently only does TYPING).

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Canadian dirtbag jailed for SWAT'ing, doxing women gamers

Ian Emery
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Trollface

"severely limited social skills and a significant educational deficit."

added to "severe narcissism, has emerging psychopathic traits, and is oversensitive"

Career prospects ...

1/ Pop Diva

2/ Politician

3/ A cop in mostly black townships across America

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Geeksphone closes up shop as founders turn their eyes to wearables

Ian Emery
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Trollface

The company developed six smartphones in total

Was that total production, or total sales??

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China wants to build a 200km-long undersea tunnel to America

Ian Emery
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Anyhow

Dr Sheldon Cooper has already pre-booked a ticket.

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Ian Emery
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Coat

The Chinese and Russians are going to build it??

What could possibly go wrong.

See that coat with three sleeves?? Made in China.

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Hacked Hacking Team team – like everyone in security – read The Register

Ian Emery
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Black Helicopters

Re: here's your thread

I'm just READING the thread, yet I am sure I can hear the black heli............................

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Chinese takeaway, hold the Google: Xiaomi Mi4 LTE Android

Ian Emery
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PS.

Why are the forums currently being hosted in Costa Rica ??

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Ian Emery
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Unhappy

Re: Another caution

Different brand, but same issues.

I bought an Umi Zero just before returning to the UK last Christmas, a great phone, but sadly the GPS system wasnt working, so I returned it for an exchange or repair.

They have JUST told me the replacement will be shipped some time in the next two weeks - so I expect it will arrive in time for THIS Christmas.

Thats my face, stuck with a stupid, borrowed SIII that keeps insisting my 80MBps fibre connection is "too slow".

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Reg hack survives world's longest commercial flight

Ian Emery
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Re: BA, Bangalore to Boston with a 90 minute layover at T5

I was supposed to be flying 2 shorter hops on KLM, but missed the connection due to snow at BHX.

These days for SE Asia, I use Emirates, as Dubai is almost exactly half way and you get plenty of exercise on the transfer.

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Ian Emery
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Megaphone

Re: Jets - pah, that's for softies

You think you are sooo hard; try a flight in a Herci-bird from Brize Norton to Belize - via Iceland, Newfoundland, Washington, and Florida. THREE FRIGGING DAYS!!!!

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Ian Emery
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Terminator

Re: BA, Bangalore to Boston with a 90 minute layover at T5

I disagree, I have broken up several 16 hour flights with a 1-2 hour stop over and it makes it a lot more manageable.

I started doing this after my one and only (10 minutes short of) 16 hour flight.

The first 8 hours were OK; 9 &10 dragged a bit, but by 12 I was getting very restless and by 15 I was ready to open the damn doors and jump!!

Every hour after the 12th hour seemed to last at least 4 hours.

I was flying Air France, so of course, when I got off of the plane my luggage was missing.

ICON?? Thats how I felt when I landed (at 3:30am local time).

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Let me PLUG that up there, love. It’s perfectly standaAAARGH!

Ian Emery
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Coat

Back to the story

You know to me, it sounds as if you are a tiny bit pissed off that YOU didnt have the balls to wear the pink tie, do the bullshitting and get all the money!!.

(Waits for the highest down vote total in El Reg history).

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David Beckham fakes bewilderment to flog mobiles to Yanks. Fakes?

Ian Emery
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I still have that 5 page pull-out of Beckham jokes somewhere, I favourite is the joke about the shopping trolleys.

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Oil & gas? Pah. We’ve got a MASSIVE 3D printer, beams Dubai

Ian Emery
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Re: Dubai centre of excellence....?

In my experience it's all euro/us/china design and indian construction and Russian Hookers.

there, fixed that for you.

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Ian Emery
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Alien

WinSun apparently keeps its tech tightly under wraps.

That will be a box containing 2,000 coolies armed with tubes of araldite then.

Either that or the box contains nothing we can understand and eventually it will print nothing but a nose.

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World+dog will soon watch 'at least 200 pr0n vids a year'

Ian Emery
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Windows

It will never last

After watching 200 porn films, they all start to look the same.

Thats me, enjoying "Daphne Does Droitwich".

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Microsoft: This Windows 10 build has 'NO significant known issues'

Ian Emery
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Joke

Re: Cortana popped up a dialogue box...

The microphone has rounded edges, so M$ didnt want to annoy Apple.

Joke Alert, as some people are very German (also a joke alert!!)

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Hello Tosh, got a downrated 6TB spinner? Yes, for slower workloads

Ian Emery
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Agreed

Just this week I finally threw away several sub 20GB drives I have had for donkeys years, and had installed in the childrens PCs for the last 2-3 years. Prior to that, the childrens PCs were fitted with an assortment of REALLY ancient drives, going all the way down to a 850MB drive that arrived in a Win95 box back in 1997.

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China's best phone yet: Huawei P8 5.2-inch money-saving Android smartie

Ian Emery
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Windows

Dont be tempted

At least, not by the cheaper prices offered by buying directly from China.

Not only do you risk getting sold a fake, but even if genuine, trying to get a repair if it goes wrong is a nightmare. I picked up an Umi last Christmas, but sent it back because the GPS wasnt working; they only admitted receipt of it last week, and I still have no idea when they replacement will arrive.

(Yep, that is me looking rather ragged as I limp on with a borrowed old phone ... waiting.............)

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DEATH by VEGETABLES: Woman charged with killing boyf using carrots. And peas

Ian Emery
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You missed through/throw.

Where is the BC/ES lamp fitting on a cable c/w ceiling fixing when you need it??

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Ian Emery
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IT Angle

EVERYTHING* can be bought in a can

While in France I spotted canned snails.

Yep, you read correctly, something even worse than Spam!!

* OK, I meant food-wise.

Please note, mentioning Spam doesnt make this IT related.

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The world .sucks at a minute past midnight on Sunday

Ian Emery
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Dirty mind

I wasnt thinking of complaints, I was thing of all the oral pron operators that might like a .sucks domain.

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Limited edition Iron Man S6 sells for $91,000 thanks to ... serial number

Ian Emery
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Re: What a waste of money.

Sorry to be a pendant, the Chinese dont really do engagement rings; the money WOULD probably buy a very nice wife though - the Chinese still have "Bride Prices".

I picked mine up cheap, because she had been married before (I haggled MiL down 50%).

(NOT a Joke Alert)

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Ian Emery
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Bit confused

The Chinese go mad for "8". not "6".

A Chinese guy paid millions for a Hong Kong plate numbered "888" a few years back.

Or did this guy get outbid for "88" and had to settle??

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TERROR in ORBIT: Dodgy rocket burp biffs International Space Station off track

Ian Emery
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Gimp

Spacesuits with flairs

Allows the poop to slid more easily into your spaceboots as you climb into one of those Russian capsules.

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A pause in global warming? Pah, FOOLS. There was NO PAUSE

Ian Emery
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Linux

I missed that chocolate story

But now I am wondering if he got the idea from me.

For years I have been going around - taking the piss out of diet fads by saying :-

"Chocolate CAN help weight loss............ but only as part of a calorie controlled diet."

The second part being included in EVERY diet food I have ever seen advertised.

As for global warming; arent we due to start the panic about the oncoming ice age?? The last panic was in the late 70's /early 80's, so it must be coming back into fashion soon.

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Windows 8.1 market share grows, Windows 7 slips, Windows 10 lurks

Ian Emery
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Boffin

Competition time.

Who can keep a WinXP box on-line to the bitter end.

That could be a while though, I have an old Win3.1 program that still runs on Win7 (never tried it on Win8/8.1).

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Science teacher jammed his school kids' phones, gets week suspension

Ian Emery
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Black Helicopters

Next time

He should build himself an EMP cannon out of the microwave in the staff kitchen.

Yeah, I know turning the classroom into a Faraday cage would be more effective, but the cannon could also be used on parents cars that turn up at school with the radio on 11.

I have the plans for a cannon I picked up from the web before everybody started cens.............

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KFC takes legal axe to eight-legged mutant chicken claims

Ian Emery
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A little diitty - copyright the internet.

Did you ever think, when you eat Chinese,

It aint pork or chicken, but a fat Siamese.

But the food tastes great, so you dont complain,

But thats not chicken in your chicken chow mien.

I think I ordered sweet and sour pork, but Garfield's on my fork,

He's purring here on my fork!!!

(go look for "catfood.wav")

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Couple sues estate agent who sold them her mum's snake-infested house

Ian Emery
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Meh

Inspections dont work in the UK

I had THREE different structural surveys done of my current house.

Not one of them picked up on the asbestos tiled roof, or the rampant woodworm.

Of course, weasel wording of the T&Cs for all UK surveyors absolve them of any mistakes or omissions.

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Hardcore creationist finds 60-million-year-old fossils in backyard ... 'No, it hasn’t changed my mind about the Bible'

Ian Emery
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Facepalm

Re: The Earth WAS created 4000 years ago!

You forgot to allow for Ground Hog Day, which probably took at LEAST a million years to turn a smuck into a nice guy.

Or Political/Religious debates (and the Queens speech), which all actually feel like a million years long, even when they are supposed to last only a few minutes.

BTW, is it it that the guy also thinks North Americans arent getting fatter - it is just that their eyes are going widescreen??

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O2 craps itself on national Blighty holiday as cabinet minister moans: 'Oi, sort it out!'

Ian Emery
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Re: HLR db problem

Strange; whenever I have been in Paris and asked a local where I can obtain "x", I have always been directed to the Champs-Élysées.

It didnt matter if it was a replacement phone, or a new tyre for my bike .... Champs-Élysées

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Is your career lacking growth? Become a porn inspector! Hint: It sucks

Ian Emery
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Big Brother

Wor hoi shur pu ton gua.

£500 a month is about 2-5 times what a factory worker gets paid, and more than enough to live comfortably in most parts of China.

The censorship doesnt seem to extend to torrents (I experimented over Christmas); as there was nothing much else to do once I discovered that EVERY non Chinese website was being throttled down to a couple of kbps.

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Ricoh rolls out electrifyingly exciting RUBBER!

Ian Emery
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Joke

At last !!

A suitable power source for the holy condom!!

((Plays "Cleft of ages, rock for me").

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ALIBABA Vs AMAZON: Let the Global Tat Bazaar war begin

Ian Emery
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Facepalm

THERE !! Fixed that for you.

"Our biggest advantage is abundance, with 100 million fake products"

(Dont talk to me about SD cards, not one genuine card bought by me from Alibaba sellers last year, every single sodding one was a fake of some description).

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You can't put a price on LOVE, says Apple after court's Samsung payout slash

Ian Emery
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Big Brother

So, less than $600 million

Barely enough to cover legal fees I suspect.

(Where is the fat-cat lawyer emoticon when you need one??)

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Alibaba: Soon the (e-commerce) world will be ours. And the cloud

Ian Emery
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Meh

My £0.02 ($0.01) worth.

Alibaba is also used by millions of people OUTSIDE of China - to buy all the things those millions of China are putting up for sale.

If Alibaba wants to grow, they have to seriously tackle the fake goods issue; last year I placed 8-9 orders for high capacity SD cards with "top rated" sellers, and every single order was packed out with fake cards. One "32GB" card had a capacity of 648MB, and none of them were bigger than 8GB. When one seller denied there was a problem I wanted to send the cards to Alibaba themselves for verification, but this was denied - I was told I had to send them back to the seller for a refund.

Naturally, he refused the delivery when it arrived in Chinese customs, so I was out of pocket for the return postal costs as well as the purchase price.

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Time to get your babble on: Microsoft opens Skype Translator Preview to all comers

Ian Emery
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Shouldnt that be

"The app previously known as Skype" ???

That SKY judgement isnt going to go away.

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No, really, that 12.9-inch MaxiPad is totally on the way now

Ian Emery
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Colour Options

Will it come in red??

(Possibly with a hint of brown)

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Bought a phone last quarter? There's a one in five chance it was a phablet

Ian Emery
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Terminator

WRONG!!

I bought an Umi Zero, so there!! :-p

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