* Posts by Ian Emery

1298 posts • joined 9 Aug 2007

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The wait is over: MoD releases latest issue of Ship Paint Monthly

Ian Emery
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Coat

At least it is more interesting than watching Big Brother

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TalkTalk hack: Teen in court on hacking and blackmail charges

Ian Emery
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Black Helicopters

TT were SOOO releived it was a teenager

They were worried, because their security is so crap a five year old might have hacked them.

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Narcissist Heidi Powell wants her dot-com and she wants it now, now, NOW!

Ian Emery
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Paris Hilton

Re: Publicity, Publicity, Publicity

On the A list to Z list of celebs, I understand she is down in the "Special characters" list.

"Special" being the operative word.

This idiot makes Paris Hilton look like a Theoretical Physicist.

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Ian Emery
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HeidiPowel@doyouknowwhoiam.loser has a ring to it.

Just give her a mirror, and a little bell; she will be as happy as a lark.

(Or possibly a budgie).

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BBC to demand logins for iPlayer in early 2017

Ian Emery
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"Do You have a TV Licence"

Was the challenge when I went to use iPlayer on my smart TV a few days ago (not for me, for the ankle-biter).

The options were

"YES"

"NO"

I think that is a perfectly fair content control system.

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Microsoft paid me $650 to scrub Windows 10 from my grandpa's PC, says man

Ian Emery
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I think he let them off lightly; he didnt charge for the week long wait for the M$ update system to install all the patches, after having to reinstall the OS.

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That's cold: This is how our boss told us our jobs are at risk, staffers claim

Ian Emery
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Re: You want cold? I'll give you cold

"They fired the lad when he was on site, and cancelled his company cards. He was in a foreign country, and had been for weeks, and suddenly found that his huge hotel bill, as well as his flight back, were now his to pay, he discovered, to the tune of about $20,000."

This wouldnt be GUS, or one of its tentacles would it?? They pulled a stunt on our expenses not once, but twice in a few months.

First they decided that expenses like hotels and travel would no longer be paid for by a company credit card and cancelled them without warning, while a number of staff were away on multi-week assignments - neglecting of course to tell the staff, who only found out when the airline or hotel people cut the card up.

Then they decided to cut the mileage allowance by 50% AND back date the cut by six months, leaving a lot of us seriously out of pocket - as they took back the money from our wages.

Cue Monday morning, and every member of the technical staff parked 1/2 a mile off site and walked in.

Management were so desperate to avoid booking taxi's, that they had every single management car pooled and used to drive us around.

One day I had an urgent, last minute call and scored the Chairmans Bentley and chauffeur, as it was the last working car/van/3.5 tonne lorry left on site.

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Ian Emery
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Re: I blame modern schools

Which one? They come in so many pretty colours.

Actually, I know a Primary school teacher who went into her daughters high school and complained, after EVERY single piece of home work over a two week period consisted of colouring in charts, maps or pictures; and this across multiple subjects.

It is the sort of thing I remember from early days at PRIMARY school; but then LOTS of things I did at Primary school are considered too difficult/dangerous for the poor likkle chilun these days, and either removed from the curriculum entirely, or left until they reach high school

From monitoring my son as he went through high school, I realised they werent teaching long division AT ALL, although I understand it has made a come-back in the last few years.

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Ian Emery
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I blame modern schools

Every lesson seems to consist of colouring in pretty pictures and charts.

Can we have a "NOT a Joke" icon please

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Mozilla wants woeful WoSign certs off the list

Ian Emery
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Re: Tiger Todger Can Fix That

It's strange then, when I go there for a long stay, my extremely rare autoimmune problem gets better; and as soon as I come back to the "clean and green" west, I get bad again.

But yeah, cheating and cutting corners is endemic in Chinese business; they cant even build a bridge without stealing half the foundation concrete and replacing it with bags of household rubbish.

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Dutch bicycle company pretends to be television company

Ian Emery
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Having witnessed parcel lorries being loaded when I worked for GUS

When I went to send a fragile turntable to its new owner I took heed of what I used to see daily.

The turntable was prepared with its original transit bolts tightened into place, the tonearm was locked down, and everything carefully located into the original polystyrene packaging and in to its original box.

Hesitate, we ARE talking Royal Mail here.

The original packing (which arrived from Germany without a scratch years before), was then wrapped in bubble wrap, and then wrapped in thick cardboard salvaged from a fridge freezer delivery carton.

"FRAGILE" stickers were then plastered all over it, before surrendering it to RM's tender care.

4 days later the wrecked and mangled remains arrived at their destination.

RM of course denied it was their fault, and tried to blame the packaging!!!

They only relented when it was pointed out to their inspection guy that ALL of the transit bolts had ripped cleared of the turntable carcass, suggesting a drop of 10 metres minimum.

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High rear end winds cause F-35A ground engine fire

Ian Emery
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Re: A wreck without leaving the ground

The F16 was conceived as a cheap-n-cheerful aircraft to sell to other countries and use when they expensive F15's were in short supply; but over a number of years and weapon/system refinements it became nearly as effective as the F15 and replaced it in many areas/roles.

Although costing a fraction of the F15, it could match 95% of the F15's combat roles, especially when AMRAAMS replaced Sparrows as the air2air weapon of choice.

SO yeah, it saved money.

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Ian Emery
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Re: This famous science fiction short story seems to sum it up nicely...

I cant remember the name of the story, so cannot find a link; but I remember an even more prophetic sci fi short.

The super-duper robotic warships defending the coast suddenly stared disappearing without warning - despite sophisticated radar systems, sensitive sonar systems and awesome fire power.

A recon unit was sent out to investigate and found out they were being attacked and deactivated by an old guy in a row boat, armed with a pair of electrical side cutters.

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Plusnet outage leaves customers unable to stream Netflix. Horrors!

Ian Emery
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Mushroom

OPTIONAL

After so many outages and outrages, I no longer have ANY sympathy for anyone stupid enough to stay with them.

And that INCLUDES my parents.

Not a nuke, my mum is just a REALLY bad cook.

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UK copyright troll weeps, starts 20-week stretch in the cooler for beating up Uber driver

Ian Emery
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Re: 20 wks in prison! He's a kid for fucks sake!

He's an asshat, it should have been 20 months.

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Forgive me, father, for I have used an ad-blocker on news websites...

Ian Emery
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A bit late to the party but.....

After the LAST "AD Blocker is killing the Internet" spree, I decided to try a few sites I normally block, and see how bad it was.

The answer was "Judgement Day" bad; every website load was slowed to a crawl, and a number of websites with user forums similar to this one were broken; so many trackers and ads were trying to load, the pages timed out.

On some popular click-bait websites (looking at you Buzzfeed), the list of trackers and ad servers runs to over THREE PAGES; and if you allow that lot ANOTHER PAGE (or two), of them appears!!

My 80Mb connection felt like my old 40Kb line back in the 90's.

You'll get my ad blocker off of me when you prise it from my cold, dead hands; block my blocker and you are dead to me.

A clueless friend foolishly joined FaceBook last month, he is now panicking and asking how to get all his info back off, as he is being bombarded with "targeted" ad crap (the only "targeting" being his name included), where-ever he goes on the internet.

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Moron is late for flight, calls in bomb threat

Ian Emery
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Re: £2200?

Besides, he'll only steal the money to pay the fine anyway.

IF he doesnt spend it on more drugs first.

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Ian Emery
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Joke

heroin and methamphetamine

I thought passengers and crew did coke.

Arent they thundering along huge white lines on every runway??

Very bad joke alert, sorry people, I had a bad night.

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Half! a! billion! Yahoo! email! accounts! raided! by! 'state! hackers!'

Ian Emery
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Re: Back in late 2015

Everybody I know who had a Yahoo account got hacked in 2014/15; Yahoo kept claiming it was poor security at our end, and that nothing was wrong at their end.

Even then, the whole planet knew this was bullshit; my account had been unused for over 10 years, yet it was STILL hacked, NO WAY my password leaked, as I hadnt logged in since about 2004; hell I couldnt even REMEMBER the password, it had been so long; if I could remember any of the details, I would close it, as it still faithfully forwards spam to one of my gmail accounts.

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Microsoft deletes Windows 10 nagware from Windows 7 and 8

Ian Emery
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Terminator

Next month

a patch will "break" Win7/8, and you will be told the ONLY way to fix it is to buy and install Win10A.

Just a theory - honest

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Ofcom smacks Sky for breaching broadband switching rules

Ian Emery
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Holmes

Sky received the fewest complaints compared to our peers

Strange how the big guys never compare their complaint levels to the little guys, who have them beaten - pants down.

Title quote shortened, cause the system doesnt like it.

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Will US border officials demand social network handles from visitors?

Ian Emery
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Black Helicopters

I vowed never to grace their shores again in 2003; it took longer to get through security at a rather quiet Orlando airport, than it did to fly the Atlantic.

Even then the paranoia was offensively obsessive; I can understand machine guns being swung in the direction of a metal detector when it goes off, but to keep pointing them at my 7 y/o son even AFTER they found the drawing pin stuck in the heel of his shoe is beyond the pale.

Not to say we didnt enjoy our visit AFTER we got through security; it was coming up on the 9/11 anniversary and all the yanks were hiding under their beds, expecting another attack; so the Disney parks were empty - not a queue to be found at any of them.

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Going, going, done: Trio of prolific auction fraud fraudsters jailed

Ian Emery
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I was thinking exactly the same thing; and also remembering that it took THREE YEARS to find a bank that would give my new wife an account; even the bank I had been with for 15 years refused; yet these guys managed to open dozens, if not hundreds between them.

Hopefully, by the time they come out of jail, we will be fully Brexited, and they can be thrown out of the country - and no arguements!!

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Apple seeks patent for paper bag - you read that right, a paper bag

Ian Emery
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Ré inserts

You get them in waxed paper bags at many supermarkets - you know, the "bags for life" that last about 12 months at best.

When challenged, they claim "life" means the life of the bag, when asked how long the life of a bag is. the reply is "it is how long it lasts".

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Ian Emery
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WTF?

I Love Cats, they taste like chicken

Can you make trousers with them?

Because I for one, have always liked baggy trousers.

Sorry, I think there is something wrong with my medication.

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'Jet blast' noise KOs ING bank's spinning rust servers

Ian Emery
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Re: Lucky me

@ Alan Brown

HSE were part of the Fire Brigade Inspection team; I personally knew the guy leading the team and he was furious that the decision to drop it was made by higher ups.

I appealed and my appeal was upheld, but GUS DIrector of Electrical Services, even after agreeing with me, said he wouldnt be giving me my job back, and paid me off.

As I had been there less than 2 years (by a few weeks!!) I didnt get much.

Before quitting the industry, I refused to KowTow over safety three times, with one other international and one small, local firm as the other culprits.

I walked out on the small firm after being told to "hold my breath" after asking for a working gas meter, and the big firm sent me home, then, during the disciplinary meeting, I was bollocked for reading SciFi during my lunch break, the reason I got sent home was NEVER raised!!!!

(Refusing to put a holesaw through a trunking full of live 240v and 440v cables).

Yeah, thats the trouble with being multi-skilled and pretty good, they ask you to do EVERYTHING, from installing heavy machinery, to prototyping circuit boards, to moving server racks.

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Ian Emery
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Re: Lucky me

Kay&Co. AKA GUS, AKA Great Universal Stores,

HOW BIG BUSINESS WORKS

Feeling a bit disgruntled (as anyone actually BEEN "Gruntled"??), I handed my baby brother a full defect list, and he and a Fire Brigade team visited the place shortly afterwards.

After finding everything on my list (it ran to eight pages), the Brigade presented GUS management with the list and said "No fix, no fire certificate"

Management response was "Throw that list away, or we make everyone redundant, close the place, and move operations to Burnley"

The Brigade folded and the issues were never fixed.

10 years later GUS STILL closed the place and moved operations to Burnley.

It makes you wonder what sweetheart deals they have got going on up there.

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Ian Emery
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Holmes

Lucky me

I spent a week working as a temporary relief at a combo office/warehouse site before finding a few days later, that - due to people forgetting to switch it back to "Auto", the Auto/Manual Halon switch had been bypassed, and it was in Auto all the time.

Add this to everything else I found in the building,

no effective earthing (unless the voltage was high enough to jump an 8 inch gap)

bypassed auto fire door switches (and the doors themselves wedged open)

crimp connectors joining power cable in the middle of trunking (and two different colour cables!!)

Single phase isolators on two phase equipment supplies (someone got fried and also suffered thermal burns from the heating element their hand was wrapped around).

And HUNDREDS of circuit breakers wired in bypass mode.

Some of this stuff had been in place for 25 years without any of the regular staff picking up on it!!!

When I brought it up I got fired.

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Plusnet broadband outage: Customers fume as TITSUP* continues

Ian Emery
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Re: Plusnet are pants

The line was sync'ed solidly at 6.6Mb, and the only time I have had 2.2Mb was on ADSLMAX, my ADSL2+ connection, before I switched to fibre - was 6.8Mb sync/6.4 throughput.

The router I gave her shows a lot of line stats, including the ADSL settings, and the line was on the correct ADSL settings. ADSL2+ - which is up to 24Mb, not upto 2.4Mb.

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Ian Emery
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Plusnet are pants

They have always been pants, and will continue to be pants long into the future.

Awards?? Set up by big ISPs, Funded by big ISPs and given almost exclusively to big ISPs.

AND they have a habit of secretly capping your line speed; I warned my parents for years that the excuses given were not true - there is no congestion on the exchange - I was on the exact same exchange - lived FURTHER from it in cable length - yet got 3 times the speed.

Eventually, after 10 years they admitted there was a problem - when I installed a new router that could display the line data, and they tried to get PN to sort it out - which led to nothing but prevarication for over a month - until I PUBLISHED what was going on.

WHOA!!! within 24 hours their line speed nearly trebled, from 2.2Mb to 6Mb.

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Sony wins case over pre-installed Windows software

Ian Emery
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Re: "Which will prove what, exactly?"

I used to do something similar - but with HiFi.

Amstrad had just brought out their crappy CD mini system for £250, I used to go in and ask for it to be demonstrated, go through all the settings (note they turned the treble right down to get rid of the awful hiss - even on CD), prevaricate for a bit then say that perhaps I would be better off spending the £250 getting my current turntable's stylus* re-tipped.

Amstrad System 1 was so awful, the best sounding component was the TUNER.

*Ortophon MC20 Super mounted on a Rega RB300 arm and fitted to a Manticore Mantra turntable.

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Ian Emery
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Not sure if it is still true, but Dell used to charge MORE for a box WITHOUT WinDoze installed, even if the spec was exactly the same.

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Read the damning dossier on the security stupidity that let China ransack OPM's systems

Ian Emery
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Trollface

Re: What on earth was going on over there? (offtopic)

Actually, I think the problem is that he has NEVER seen a working computer.

Every time he gets near one, a static discharge from his nylon hair kills it.

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Speaking in Tech: Windows is coming to smart refrigerators

Ian Emery
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Joke

I'm sorry

But you need Win4Fridge 64bit Pro if you want to keep Wenslydale in here, please upgrade today, or I will defrost all your TV dinners.

BTW, Why does the carotene in carrots never crash??

It is, after all, BETA carotene.

BAD joke alert.

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Star Trek film theory: 50 years, 13 films, odds good, evens bad? Horta puckey!

Ian Emery
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ST TOS Digital Remake is Racist.

Gaze in wonder at the beautifully digitised and remastered footage; right up until they do each and every close up on Uhuru, where you see the original 1960's in all its fuzzy glory.

(Unless of course, they have re-remastered it since I watched it all).

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Ian Emery
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Re: Evens good, odds bad only applies to the first six

PENDANT ALERT!!

Ré Enterprise, it wasnt the first trip for humans, it was the first trip for a "Warp 5 Engined ship"; there were already plenty of Warp 1 and 2 ships plodding about.

The rest of it I kind of agree with, especially Voyager logistics, it would have needed a ship five times the size JUST to break down to make all the shuttles they got through; not to mention the HUNDREDS of photon torpedoes they fired from their limited arsenal of a few dozen (ref first episode).

Having said that, I liked both Voyager and Enterprise, Voyager regularly got a bit too touchy feely at times, and Enterprise crew members got a bit blasé at times, but in general they both managed to keep me watching - AND they managed to get in more than a few space battles to please the little trousered viewers*.

Although I thought the alien Nazis were a bit too far out, but, hey, if you are going to mess with the time lines - do it in style!!!

Overall, despite its weaknesses ST has always fostered my "sense of wonder".

Ian, age 51 & 3/4s

* That's little trousered as in "Little things please little minds, little trousers fit little behinds".

PS, 7 of 9?? Ensign Saito always got me hot under the collar.

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Ian Emery
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Paris Hilton

Re: Evens good, odds bad only applies to the first six

Correct, according to his biographer, ST was pitched as "Wagon Train" in the stars and various historical documents say SW was written because they couldnt get the rights to Flash Gordon.

Paris - in Latex of course!!

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Forget Khan and Klingons, Star Trek's greatest trick was simply surviving

Ian Emery
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Angel

DONT KNOCK STAR TREK

Without it, how would you get in or out of supermarkets??

(SWISH!!)

PS, never mind that interracial kiss, the network completely missed the first interspecies kiss!!

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Sneaky Gugi banking trojan sidesteps Android OS security barricades

Ian Emery
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Silly

The whole point is to steal your banking data and use it without your knowledge.

Doesnt this scream "I AM STEALING YOUR DATA!!" at you??

It sounds like that Indian guy working the MicroSh1t tech support scam, "But you HAVE to give me remote access!!, You HAVE to!!"

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Linus Torvalds won't apply 'sh*t-for-brains stupid patch'

Ian Emery
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Paris Hilton

Linus needs

a "Beware of the Penguin" notice.

BTW, does Batman know what he's up to??

When in doubt, add some Paris

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Microsoft thought of the children and decided to ban some browsers

Ian Emery
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Facepalm

Not forgetting them sneaking it into software updates from various AV companies like @~#>* a couple of years back.

* Censored for legal reasons.

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Ian Emery
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Re: Starbucks

Oh I dont know, I had a Starbucks once, and it didnt fill me with the feeling of nausea and disgust that Win10 does.

I think SB is more like WinME, the ingredients are more or less correct, but it just doesnt taste quite right.

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Exploding Samsung Galaxy Note 7 phablets recalled immediately

Ian Emery
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Joke

I'm off bargain hunting

If I find any S7 for sale listings on a certain bargain hunting site, I am going to add "Heat".

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Lindsay Lohan's Grand Theft Auto V cartoon case kicked out of court

Ian Emery
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Paris Hilton

She's going to wear a Paris Hilton costume, no one want to see her in a bikini these days.

In throwing the case out, did the Judge give a snort of derision??

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Windows 10 now rules the weekend, taking over from Windows 7

Ian Emery
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Windows

Non Microshit OS??

If they were included it could show how many people were switching away from Windows completely.

(Still running 7, cos LOTRO doesnt support Linux)

Thats me, with a can of "WAKE UP!!"

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Microsoft Outlook.com redecoration delay rumors: THE TRUTH

Ian Emery
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Trollface

Brave

They actually (accidentally) gave a date by which time they intend to have it fixed; note you wont get one of these dates for Win10.

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False Northern Lights alert issued to entire UK because of a lawnmower

Ian Emery
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Thumb Up

Re: Obi-Wan:

@ Marcus Fil

If only I could upvote you 1,000 times; I even visualised the thespic facial expressions used.

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DVLA misses out on £400m in tax after scrapping paper discs

Ian Emery
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Re: MOT

Had this more than once over the last 10 years, to the point where my MOT is now due in June instead of January.

I also managed to dive without insurance for 7 months; the insurance broker failed to take note of a change of address, sent a letter to the old address, didnt get a reply, so sent a letter cancelling the policy TO THE OLD ADDRESS.

I only found out when I went to make a claim.

Stupid thing was, when I finally got hold of the original letter, it said I DIDNT NEED TO REPLY!!!

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Ian Emery
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Re: This should be one of the easiest taxes to collect ...

" I had a pretty Chinese teenager decide she was going to walk out onto a light controlled crossing when it was my right of way and if I hadn't been watching her going to cross she'd have been mashed"

That wasnt her being an idiot, that is how they cross the road in China, you walk out slowly and let the traffic flow around you, while watching for any vehicle that looks like it might not.

When not even the buses stop at a red light, that is the only way to get from one side of the road to the other.

(Hence the 300,000+ road deaths per year)

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Ian Emery
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Coat

Re: This should be one of the easiest taxes to collect ...

"If you can't see a cyclist or pedestrian because they're wearing black on a bike in pitch black on a single track country road in the middle of nowhere,"

Had this several times on a narrow, twisty lane near where I was working, 2am on a call out and a bike comes around the corner with no lights on, see's me and dives into the ditch.

Mind you, at 20MPH, I had a good chance of stopping, my really closest miss was on a dual carriageway near midnight; while overtaking a slower car, I came over the brow of a hill at ~ 70mph - and found a guy in a mobility scooter in the middle of the outside lane, weaving his way home from the pub.

To this day, I dont know how I missed him.

Not a coat, but newly browned trousers

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