* Posts by Ian Emery

838 posts • joined 9 Aug 2007

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Chinese takeaway, hold the Google: Xiaomi Mi4 LTE Android

Ian Emery
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PS.

Why are the forums currently being hosted in Costa Rica ??

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Ian Emery
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Unhappy

Re: Another caution

Different brand, but same issues.

I bought an Umi Zero just before returning to the UK last Christmas, a great phone, but sadly the GPS system wasnt working, so I returned it for an exchange or repair.

They have JUST told me the replacement will be shipped some time in the next two weeks - so I expect it will arrive in time for THIS Christmas.

Thats my face, stuck with a stupid, borrowed SIII that keeps insisting my 80MBps fibre connection is "too slow".

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Reg hack survives world's longest commercial flight

Ian Emery
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Re: BA, Bangalore to Boston with a 90 minute layover at T5

I was supposed to be flying 2 shorter hops on KLM, but missed the connection due to snow at BHX.

These days for SE Asia, I use Emirates, as Dubai is almost exactly half way and you get plenty of exercise on the transfer.

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Ian Emery
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Megaphone

Re: Jets - pah, that's for softies

You think you are sooo hard; try a flight in a Herci-bird from Brize Norton to Belize - via Iceland, Newfoundland, Washington, and Florida. THREE FRIGGING DAYS!!!!

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Ian Emery
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Terminator

Re: BA, Bangalore to Boston with a 90 minute layover at T5

I disagree, I have broken up several 16 hour flights with a 1-2 hour stop over and it makes it a lot more manageable.

I started doing this after my one and only (10 minutes short of) 16 hour flight.

The first 8 hours were OK; 9 &10 dragged a bit, but by 12 I was getting very restless and by 15 I was ready to open the damn doors and jump!!

Every hour after the 12th hour seemed to last at least 4 hours.

I was flying Air France, so of course, when I got off of the plane my luggage was missing.

ICON?? Thats how I felt when I landed (at 3:30am local time).

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Let me PLUG that up there, love. It’s perfectly standaAAARGH!

Ian Emery
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Coat

Back to the story

You know to me, it sounds as if you are a tiny bit pissed off that YOU didnt have the balls to wear the pink tie, do the bullshitting and get all the money!!.

(Waits for the highest down vote total in El Reg history).

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David Beckham fakes bewilderment to flog mobiles to Yanks. Fakes?

Ian Emery
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I still have that 5 page pull-out of Beckham jokes somewhere, I favourite is the joke about the shopping trolleys.

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Oil & gas? Pah. We’ve got a MASSIVE 3D printer, beams Dubai

Ian Emery
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Re: Dubai centre of excellence....?

In my experience it's all euro/us/china design and indian construction and Russian Hookers.

there, fixed that for you.

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Ian Emery
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Alien

WinSun apparently keeps its tech tightly under wraps.

That will be a box containing 2,000 coolies armed with tubes of araldite then.

Either that or the box contains nothing we can understand and eventually it will print nothing but a nose.

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World+dog will soon watch 'at least 200 pr0n vids a year'

Ian Emery
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Windows

It will never last

After watching 200 porn films, they all start to look the same.

Thats me, enjoying "Daphne Does Droitwich".

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Microsoft: This Windows 10 build has 'NO significant known issues'

Ian Emery
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Joke

Re: Cortana popped up a dialogue box...

The microphone has rounded edges, so M$ didnt want to annoy Apple.

Joke Alert, as some people are very German (also a joke alert!!)

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Hello Tosh, got a downrated 6TB spinner? Yes, for slower workloads

Ian Emery
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Agreed

Just this week I finally threw away several sub 20GB drives I have had for donkeys years, and had installed in the childrens PCs for the last 2-3 years. Prior to that, the childrens PCs were fitted with an assortment of REALLY ancient drives, going all the way down to a 850MB drive that arrived in a Win95 box back in 1997.

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China's best phone yet: Huawei P8 5.2-inch money-saving Android smartie

Ian Emery
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Windows

Dont be tempted

At least, not by the cheaper prices offered by buying directly from China.

Not only do you risk getting sold a fake, but even if genuine, trying to get a repair if it goes wrong is a nightmare. I picked up an Umi last Christmas, but sent it back because the GPS wasnt working; they only admitted receipt of it last week, and I still have no idea when they replacement will arrive.

(Yep, that is me looking rather ragged as I limp on with a borrowed old phone ... waiting.............)

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DEATH by VEGETABLES: Woman charged with killing boyf using carrots. And peas

Ian Emery
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You missed through/throw.

Where is the BC/ES lamp fitting on a cable c/w ceiling fixing when you need it??

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Ian Emery
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IT Angle

EVERYTHING* can be bought in a can

While in France I spotted canned snails.

Yep, you read correctly, something even worse than Spam!!

* OK, I meant food-wise.

Please note, mentioning Spam doesnt make this IT related.

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The world .sucks at a minute past midnight on Sunday

Ian Emery
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Dirty mind

I wasnt thinking of complaints, I was thing of all the oral pron operators that might like a .sucks domain.

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Limited edition Iron Man S6 sells for $91,000 thanks to ... serial number

Ian Emery
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Re: What a waste of money.

Sorry to be a pendant, the Chinese dont really do engagement rings; the money WOULD probably buy a very nice wife though - the Chinese still have "Bride Prices".

I picked mine up cheap, because she had been married before (I haggled MiL down 50%).

(NOT a Joke Alert)

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Ian Emery
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Bit confused

The Chinese go mad for "8". not "6".

A Chinese guy paid millions for a Hong Kong plate numbered "888" a few years back.

Or did this guy get outbid for "88" and had to settle??

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TERROR in ORBIT: Dodgy rocket burp biffs International Space Station off track

Ian Emery
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Gimp

Spacesuits with flairs

Allows the poop to slid more easily into your spaceboots as you climb into one of those Russian capsules.

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A pause in global warming? Pah, FOOLS. There was NO PAUSE

Ian Emery
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Linux

I missed that chocolate story

But now I am wondering if he got the idea from me.

For years I have been going around - taking the piss out of diet fads by saying :-

"Chocolate CAN help weight loss............ but only as part of a calorie controlled diet."

The second part being included in EVERY diet food I have ever seen advertised.

As for global warming; arent we due to start the panic about the oncoming ice age?? The last panic was in the late 70's /early 80's, so it must be coming back into fashion soon.

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Windows 8.1 market share grows, Windows 7 slips, Windows 10 lurks

Ian Emery
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Boffin

Competition time.

Who can keep a WinXP box on-line to the bitter end.

That could be a while though, I have an old Win3.1 program that still runs on Win7 (never tried it on Win8/8.1).

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Science teacher jammed his school kids' phones, gets week suspension

Ian Emery
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Black Helicopters

Next time

He should build himself an EMP cannon out of the microwave in the staff kitchen.

Yeah, I know turning the classroom into a Faraday cage would be more effective, but the cannon could also be used on parents cars that turn up at school with the radio on 11.

I have the plans for a cannon I picked up from the web before everybody started cens.............

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KFC takes legal axe to eight-legged mutant chicken claims

Ian Emery
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A little diitty - copyright the internet.

Did you ever think, when you eat Chinese,

It aint pork or chicken, but a fat Siamese.

But the food tastes great, so you dont complain,

But thats not chicken in your chicken chow mien.

I think I ordered sweet and sour pork, but Garfield's on my fork,

He's purring here on my fork!!!

(go look for "catfood.wav")

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Couple sues estate agent who sold them her mum's snake-infested house

Ian Emery
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Meh

Inspections dont work in the UK

I had THREE different structural surveys done of my current house.

Not one of them picked up on the asbestos tiled roof, or the rampant woodworm.

Of course, weasel wording of the T&Cs for all UK surveyors absolve them of any mistakes or omissions.

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Hardcore creationist finds 60-million-year-old fossils in backyard ... 'No, it hasn’t changed my mind about the Bible'

Ian Emery
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Facepalm

Re: The Earth WAS created 4000 years ago!

You forgot to allow for Ground Hog Day, which probably took at LEAST a million years to turn a smuck into a nice guy.

Or Political/Religious debates (and the Queens speech), which all actually feel like a million years long, even when they are supposed to last only a few minutes.

BTW, is it it that the guy also thinks North Americans arent getting fatter - it is just that their eyes are going widescreen??

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O2 craps itself on national Blighty holiday as cabinet minister moans: 'Oi, sort it out!'

Ian Emery
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Re: HLR db problem

Strange; whenever I have been in Paris and asked a local where I can obtain "x", I have always been directed to the Champs-Élysées.

It didnt matter if it was a replacement phone, or a new tyre for my bike .... Champs-Élysées

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Is your career lacking growth? Become a porn inspector! Hint: It sucks

Ian Emery
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Big Brother

Wor hoi shur pu ton gua.

£500 a month is about 2-5 times what a factory worker gets paid, and more than enough to live comfortably in most parts of China.

The censorship doesnt seem to extend to torrents (I experimented over Christmas); as there was nothing much else to do once I discovered that EVERY non Chinese website was being throttled down to a couple of kbps.

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Ricoh rolls out electrifyingly exciting RUBBER!

Ian Emery
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Joke

At last !!

A suitable power source for the holy condom!!

((Plays "Cleft of ages, rock for me").

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ALIBABA Vs AMAZON: Let the Global Tat Bazaar war begin

Ian Emery
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Facepalm

THERE !! Fixed that for you.

"Our biggest advantage is abundance, with 100 million fake products"

(Dont talk to me about SD cards, not one genuine card bought by me from Alibaba sellers last year, every single sodding one was a fake of some description).

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You can't put a price on LOVE, says Apple after court's Samsung payout slash

Ian Emery
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Big Brother

So, less than $600 million

Barely enough to cover legal fees I suspect.

(Where is the fat-cat lawyer emoticon when you need one??)

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Alibaba: Soon the (e-commerce) world will be ours. And the cloud

Ian Emery
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Meh

My £0.02 ($0.01) worth.

Alibaba is also used by millions of people OUTSIDE of China - to buy all the things those millions of China are putting up for sale.

If Alibaba wants to grow, they have to seriously tackle the fake goods issue; last year I placed 8-9 orders for high capacity SD cards with "top rated" sellers, and every single order was packed out with fake cards. One "32GB" card had a capacity of 648MB, and none of them were bigger than 8GB. When one seller denied there was a problem I wanted to send the cards to Alibaba themselves for verification, but this was denied - I was told I had to send them back to the seller for a refund.

Naturally, he refused the delivery when it arrived in Chinese customs, so I was out of pocket for the return postal costs as well as the purchase price.

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Time to get your babble on: Microsoft opens Skype Translator Preview to all comers

Ian Emery
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Shouldnt that be

"The app previously known as Skype" ???

That SKY judgement isnt going to go away.

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No, really, that 12.9-inch MaxiPad is totally on the way now

Ian Emery
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Colour Options

Will it come in red??

(Possibly with a hint of brown)

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Bought a phone last quarter? There's a one in five chance it was a phablet

Ian Emery
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Terminator

WRONG!!

I bought an Umi Zero, so there!! :-p

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iPhone case uses phone's OWN SIGNAL to charge it (forever, presumably)

Ian Emery
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Paris Hilton

It will never launch

First it will be 0.5 ready

then 0.75

then 0.875

then.........

(waits to see if anyone gets it)

Paris, cos she always gets me charged up :-)

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CHEATER! Test labs out AV vendor for using rival's engine

Ian Emery
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Mushroom

What do you expect

(Sadly), cheating is a way of life in modern China.

I have had run-ins with 360 in the past when trying to remove malware from my wifes PC; 360 kept blocking me from removing it, wouldnt shut down OR uninstall, so I could get at the malware, and turned out to be the SOURCE of half of the malware!!!

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Burger me! Microsoft's chainsaw rampage through sacred cow herd

Ian Emery
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FAIL

Do I ??

Smell the deep, pungent smell of...

DESPERATION !!??

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Jeez, AT&T. Billing a pensioner $24,000 for dialup is pretty low

Ian Emery
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Re: $51 as month?

He probably signed up in the heady days of the late 80's/early 90's as a bit of a pioneer; I dont know if you have noticed, but 99% of ISPs DONT cut existing customers payments when they reduce the tariff for their packages, they wait for the customer to notice, demand the new price be applied to them - and then use that as an excuse to tie the customer in for another 18/24 month contract.

As internet access gets faster and cheaper every year, the older ISPs are sitting on a goldmine of old users paying through the nose for slow, limited services.

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DARPA's made a SELF-STEERING 50-cal bullet – with video proof

Ian Emery
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Coat

All we need now are bobbles

And we can have ourselves a peace war.

(Mines the one with a copy of Vernor Vinges' book in the pocket).

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Tencent introduces slimmed-down wristjob TOS to swollen market

Ian Emery
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Coat

People using this new OS will be called TOSsers???

It is by Tencent, so the main purpose will be to foist more spyware and malware crap on Chinese citizens, with a fairly "clean" "International" version for the rest of the world.

Mine's the "Ar-my-nee" silk suit I had made to measure for fifty quid.

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Avengers: Age of Ultron – blisteringly big banter, brawls and brio

Ian Emery
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" blisteringly big banter, brawls and brio"

Strange, the review doesnt mention any wooden train action, despite the title.

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You - yes, YOU - can win The Ultimate Cash 'n' Carrion Survival Kit

Ian Emery
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Facepalm

Deja vue

You STILL cant give this stuff away??!!

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China tackles vital strippers-at-funeral problem

Ian Emery
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Fantastic idea, I have already booked some for my funeral.

We need a piccy of a Funeral car with a "Got Wood" sticker on the back.

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Tesco broadband goes TITSUP, world keeps turning on wobbly-wheeled trolley

Ian Emery
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Linux

Dont Worry Tesco users

I am sure Aldi or Lidl will have an internet service up and running any day.

(Not a real Penguin, but something identical at half the price).

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Trading Standards pokes Amazon over 'libellous' review

Ian Emery
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NHS systems CAN give a CLI if it is needed, sadly though, even when it is written in your notes that a call wont go through without a CLI, they still try to call you without one - and get blocked.

I had nearly a dozen reminder calls blocked for one single appointment because nobody could be arsed to read the note and act on it.

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RADIOACTIVE WWII aircraft carrier FOUND OFF CALIFORNIA

Ian Emery
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Re: humans

HIGHEST, after declaring it shorter than they thought, they then measured the others and found THEY were all shorter as well; putting Everest back on top.

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Ian Emery
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Re: Easy find

Who votes vegetable??

I think you mean someone who votes Green.

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Ian Emery
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Thumb Up

You beat me to it.

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Microsoft, Getty settle image snatch 'suit

Ian Emery
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As an 8 y/o

EE Smith was a great writer, however, by the time I was 9 he was seeming a bit simplistic and by age 10 I regarded him little better than the Commando comics my younger brother reads (yes - over 40 and still reads them).

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El Reg offers you the chance to become a Master Investor – for free

Ian Emery
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Need a longer lead time on things like this.

I would love to go, but I already have commitments for that date that I cannot get out of (now - last week it would have been different).

Ré Simon Weston, he is a hero because of what he has overcome. There are lots of reasons he got injured - lack of suitable military investment over many years being the biggest.

To this day the RN is stuck with an area AA missile system that cannot effectively engage even an obsolete missile like the Exocet; against a modern AS missile, they would have more chance of stopping an attack by throwing fruit at it.

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