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* Posts by Martin Maloney

216 posts • joined 28 Jul 2007

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You stupid BRICK! PCs running Avast AV can't handle Windows fixes

Martin Maloney
Coat

Downvote bait

Am I the only one here who uses MS Security Essentials and Malwarebytes?

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Hide your Macs, iPhones and iPads: WireLurker nasty 'heralds new era'

Martin Maloney
Coat

Re: @ Stern Fenster -- OK so let me get this straight.

If they were able to count to twenty, would you then congratulate them on their tremendous feet?

(So many puns, so little time...)

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Martin Maloney
Thumb Down

Re: " trojanise " !

Do you "butter" your bread? Do you "rake" your lawn? Does your mechanic "lube" your car?

The facility of "verbizing/verbising" a noun is one of the strengths of the English language. Even though I just now invented a word, everyone with at least two functioning neurons grasped my meaning.

Of course, being a foreigner -- I was born in and live in the US -- explains why my "ability with English is limited."

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MOULDY DICK: France aims to snatch EXPLODING WHALE crown from U.S.

Martin Maloney
Trollface

Well, it could be true

Is "MOULDY DICK" an STD?

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Martin Maloney
Coat

Giving you the Dickens

Some years ago, a freshly-deceased whale appeared in the Thames. Not wanting that whale meat to go to waste, London's butchers turned it into sausages.

"It was the beast of Thames, it was the wurst of Thames."

(So many puns, so little time...)

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DR LIPS warns: DON'T KISS that NEWT - it's got FLESH-EATING PLAGUE

Martin Maloney
Coat

I don't know...

...if the looming extinction of salamanders would be a good thing or a bad thing.

I guess that I'm just newtral.

(boo-hiss)

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MEN: For pity's sake SLEEP with LOTS of WOMEN - and avoid Prostate Cancer

Martin Maloney
Trollface

Re: Does it follow

Do you remember the old Michael Caine thrillers, in which the name of the character that he played was "Harry Palmer?"

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Planning to fly? Pour out your shampoo, toss your scissors, RENAME TERRORIST WI-FI!

Martin Maloney
Trollface

More forbidden humor

I have an Ebola joke for you.

(pregnant pause)

Oh, never mind -- you probably won't get it.

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Bird of HEY.... that's MY DRONE! Hawk attacks geek's quadcopter in nature v machine clash

Martin Maloney

Something to ponder

Could raptors be trained to do an in-air flash mob against small drones used by government agencies?

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'MYSTERIOUS PYRAMID STRUCTURE' found on COMET beyond Mars: Landing planned

Martin Maloney
FAIL

Argh!

"...the icy, snowball-like 67P..."

They just won't let go of the failed "dirty snowball" comet model, will they?

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iPhone 6: The final straw for Android makers eaten alive by the data parasite?

Martin Maloney
Trollface

Re: Emerging markets

Have you heard about the support organization MDA -- Mothers Against Dyslexia?

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PEAK LANDFILL: Why tablet gloom is good news for Windows users

Martin Maloney

How low can you go?

Right now, Newegg is selling dual-core Irulu 7" Android tablets for forty bux. Six months from now, they will be quad-core at the same price point.

In short, tablets are now a commodity, and Microsoft and other major manufacturers can't complete in that market.

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Apple: SO sorry for the iOS 8.0.1 UPDATE BUNGLE HORROR

Martin Maloney
Trollface

"Of course they have competitive pressure, they have to deliver new innovative functionality to keep abreast of the ever changing mobile market..."

That also applies to brassiere manufacturers.

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NASA's MAVEN enters Mars orbit to sniff its gas

Martin Maloney
Trollface

If all goes well...

...MAVEN will finally provide the definitive answer to that age-old question:

"Do Martians fart?"

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Cave scrawls prove Neanderthals were AT LEAST as talented as modern artists

Martin Maloney
Trollface

Re: "pre-human ape-men"

"Hi, I'm Dennis, this is my brother Dennis, and this is my other brother Dennis."

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Cops baffled by riddle of CHICKEN who crossed ROAD

Martin Maloney
Coat

Re: umm..

"...It's really trying to go into the middle..."

Q: Why did the American chicken cross the road?

A: To get to the middle.

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What do we want? CAT VIDEOS! How do we get them? TOR!

Martin Maloney
Trollface

Re: "Only terrorists want privacy. Apparently."

GCHQ should investigate el reg for enabling terrorism.

By providing a check box for “Post anonymously?” el reg is enabling terrorists to hide their identity.

But wait – there's more! By automatically assigning “Anonymous Coward” as the name of anyone who checks that box, el reg is also enabling identity theft.

Am I the only one who is smart enough to have figured these things out?

el reg is a criminal terrorist organization. Pass it on.

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REVEALED: The sites blocked by Great Firewall of Iraq

Martin Maloney
Coat

I just can't help it, folks

I suspect that some of the resourceful porn sites remain unblocked.

You know -- the ones that are really eager beavers.

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Intel, Ford: Project Mobii will harpoon unsafe, unauthorized drivers

Martin Maloney
Thumb Down

The total surveillance society

The reason that CCTV cameras are ubiquitous is that "the authorities" are paranoid. They don't like us, they don't trust us, and they feel the need to watch us continuously.

And now they want to install always-on cameras (and microphones) in our cars.

For those who favor this abomination, please consider that if you can access the camera in your car from your smartphone, then the authorities can use their own spy kit to do the same.

Moreover, with their spy kit, they will be able to access the navigation controls. They will be able to force your car to the side of the road -- or into a brick building at high speed.

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Martin Maloney

Re: Bluetack

"...a tiny piece of bluetack which can be smeared over the camera for privacy..."

That will be prohibited by law. The charge will be "tampering," probably a felony.

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Martin Maloney

Re: Another "invention"

"Hopefully this will never find public acceptance..."

It doesn't have to find public acceptance -- it will be government mandated.

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Martin Maloney
Coat

Re: In other news....

"...What next, Bog rolls with cameras to ensue we don't use more than two sheets at a time?"

No need for such a device in my loo. To save money, I always only use two sheets at a time.

Yep -- I'm a cheap shit.

(Well, somebody had to say it!)

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Blame WWI, not Bin Laden, for NSA's post-9/11 intel suck

Martin Maloney
Big Brother

A different take on Snowden

What good is it to construct a total surveillance police state to scare the citizenry into compliance, if the citizenry doesn't know about it?

Snowden is neither a hero nor a traitor. He's a "Big Brother Is Watching YOU" billboard.

He's a psyop.

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Feds crack down harder on 'lasing'. Yep, aircraft laser zapping... Really

Martin Maloney
Coat

If the perp managed to get out of the way fast enough, would he be (I'm SO ashamed!) a Dart Evader?

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Microsoft Cortana EULA contains the Greatest Disclaimer of ALL TIME

Martin Maloney
Trollface

Re: Software ought to be goods

"Kid you not, there is even a law in the next county prohibiting men from farting in Public. The penalty is 10 days jail."

I have a work-around for that:

1) Practice farting silently, until you are consistent.

2) Only fart in crowded elevators, and then, like everyone else, gaze around, in an attempt to identify the culprit.

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EBay, you keep using the word 'SECURITY'. I do not think it means what you think it means

Martin Maloney
Coat

Things used to be simpler

I used to use "incorrect" as my universal password. That way, if I spaced out and entered the wrong password, the site would tell me, "Your password is incorrect."

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'Bladdered' Utah couple cuffed in church lawn sex outrage

Martin Maloney
Coat

You got it wrong

It was a church news story, not a church mews story.

At least, you got the cat-echism right. What, though, about the dog-ma?

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How Google's Android Silver could become 'Wintel for phones'

Martin Maloney
Coat

"the lower quality option?"

Are you trying to gilt-trip them?

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GNU security library GnuTLS fails on cert checks: Patch now

Martin Maloney
Trollface

Re: GnuTLS considered harmful ..

"What's a gnu?"

"Oh, not much -- whatsa new with you?"

You deserved that one, you know.

(You can never find a wildebeest icon when you really really really need one!)

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'Demon Killer' who tied SD card to cat pleads not guilty

Martin Maloney
Happy

Victimless crime?

In 1968 or thereabouts, a cartoon in Playboy showed a shepherd, sitting, with his back against a tree, playing his flute. Nearby stood a sheep, winking at him!

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Martin Maloney
Coat

Stop me, before I pun again

Of course, he got caught.

His riddles let the cat out of the bag.

[boo-hiss]

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Gamers in a flap as Vietnamese dev pulls Flappy Bird

Martin Maloney
Coat

Re: Flappy Byrds

Will I be allowed to play it right away?

Or will I have to wait for my "Turn Turn Turn?"

Will paying it get me "Eight Miles High?"

Or will I have to leave a turn unstoned?

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The internet is 'a gift from God' says Pope Francis

Martin Maloney
Coat

Gifts can be rescinded

If Pope Francis didn't like an email that you sent to him, would he then excommunicate you?

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Martin Maloney
Happy

Re: Pope in believing in God shocker

"Man made the internet faster"

And he did it, typing with only one hand.

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Walking while texting can – OUCH! – end badly, say boffins

Martin Maloney
Flame

So call me a curmudgeon

We've all seen the bumper sticker

HANG UP AND DRIVE

I've often had the urge to shout

HANG UP AND WALK

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Chrome lets websites secretly record you?! Google says no, but...

Martin Maloney
Happy

Re: Microphone?

"Why would my computer have a microphone?

"It's a computer, not a phone."

A computer isn't a typewriter, and yet you can compose documents on it.

A computer isn't a post office box, and yet you can send and receive mail on it.

A computer isn't a jet plane, and yet you can visit Paris and tour the Louvre on it.

A computer isn't a CD player, and yet you can listen to CDs on it.

A computer isn't a DVD player, and yet you can watch DVDs on it.

A computer isn't a TV set, and yet you can watch TV on it.

A computer isn't a digital voice recorder, and yet you can dictate into it.

A computer isn't a videophone, and yet you can have video chats and teleconferencing on it.

A computer isn't a music studio, and yet you can do multi-track mixing and recording on it.

A computer isn't a drafting table, and yet you can do architectural drawings on it.

With the right hardware, built-in, added in, or plugged in, and the right software, a computer can emulate any number of dedicated devices.

Yes, even a phone.

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Lenovo Yoga 10: Mediocre tech, yes, but beautifully fondleable

Martin Maloney
Coat

Re: Uh oh

"...It boggles the mind that they would produce what is clearly a nice looking device and then skimp on the actual bits inside the case."

I consider it highly likely that the Lenovo Yoga 10 has exactly the same number of "actual bits inside the case" as every other 16GB/32GB Flash - 1 GB RAM tablet.

(OUCH! Don't kick!)

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Android, Chromebooks storm channel as Windows PC sales go flat

Martin Maloney
Go

Up and coming

There's a deluge of Android tablets coming in from China. They're cheap, and they're not junk.

Go to eBay, type in irulu, and see examples for yourself.

Top-of-the-line is a 9.7" iPad lookalike and workalike. Dual core 1.5 GHz CPU, Android 4.2.2, 8 GB NAND, 1 GB DDR3 RAM, 10-point multi-touch capacitive screen, 6000 mAh battery. Clamshell case with keyboard. Resolution is 1/4 of the iPad -- "only" 1024 X 768, which was the default resolution of 17" (16" actual) CRT monitors. Google Playstore. One year warranty.

Are the specs as good as those of the iPad? Nope. Are they good enough? Yep.

And it's only $140. Add $25 for a 32 GB micro SD card, and laugh at the iPad fanbois and their empty wallets.

You'll also find 10.1", 9" and 7" tablets, at even lower prices. Given the state of the world's economy, these tablets are gonna be big news in the channel this year.

BTW, I have no economic connection to the manufacturers or to the vendors.

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Silk Road 2.0 busted! At least two arrests as federal crackdown begins

Martin Maloney
Coat

The Internet is too dangerous

People should get their illicit drugs the old-fashined way -- on the street, from their friendly neighborhood dope pusher:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pIzRGHuJt_I

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Developer unleashes bowel-shaking KILLER APP for Google Glass

Martin Maloney
Coat

Here's the IT connection

I don't understand the popularity of "fart apps." Their simulation, being only auditory, qualifies them as "crippleware."

Who needs expensive high tech? The only "fart app" that the human body needs is a bowl of chili. Unike its cyber equivalent, it implements the stench feature.

Moreover, a skillful human can supress the auditory component, escaping blame for the odoriferous component and possibly shift the blame onto someone else.

Why be a Glasshole, when you can be an asshole?

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Mexican Cobalt-60 robbers are DEAD MEN, say authorities

Martin Maloney

Who can resist?

"DANGER: RADIOACTIVE" label = "WET PAINT" sign

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Cyber dragnet: Five new HACKERS join FBI's 'most wanted' list

Martin Maloney
FAIL

Why is it...

...that the FBI hasn't been able to pin the tail on the CryptoLocker donkey?

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FROM MY COLD, DEAD HANDS: Microsoft faces prising XP from Big Biz

Martin Maloney
Boffin

Stop bashing Vista

MS marketing insisted on Vista's being released before it was ready. That's ancient history.

With two Service Packs under its belt, plus the monthly updates, Vista no longer deserves to be viewed with contempt. The operational differences between Vista and Win7 are insignificant.

I have two circa-2007 laptops -- a Compaq and a Gateway, each of which came with Vista. HP released Win7 drivers, so I upgraded to Win7. Gateway didn't, so I stayed with Vista.

What Vista has going for it over Win7 is that its desktop layout -- Start button, Launch bar, Taskbar and Tray -- is identical to that of XP. Its familiarity is comfortable. The only real learning curve is the menu system, which takes all of two seconds, before the user enthuses, "Wow! Neat!" Vista will continue to be supported until April, 2017.

Next spring, when it is time for clients to upgrade from XP, I will show them my two laptops and let them decide on which Windows version that they prefer.

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NSA using Firefox flaw to snoop on Tor users

Martin Maloney
Go

Re: Tails

Go here to find out about Tails:

https://tails.boum.org/

For the personal or SOHO user, there is no better anonymity and security solution available.

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'Bet Lynch' types BANNED from zoo for upsetting not-so-wildlife

Martin Maloney
Coat

I just can't help it, folks

Some years back, I picked up a leopard-print T-shirt.

I was lucky to find it. Among all of the other designs, it was hard to spot.

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One of last few iPhone 5Ss STOLEN from within MASSIVE POLICE CORDON at Apple Store

Martin Maloney
Coat

Photo caption

"iQueue ... Punters line up outside Glasgow's Apple Store this morning"

"iQueue ... Punsters line up outside Glasgow's Apple Store this morning"

There -- fixed it for you.

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IT bloke denies trying to shag sheep outside football ground

Martin Maloney
Coat

I'm wise to you folks

You're trying to get my goat, aren't you?

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Martin Maloney
Pirate

Re: Ohmigod...

Yes, it is:

http://talklikeapirate.com/

Martin

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Lip-wobbling boffins: Eating Chinese food is like kissing a vibrator

Martin Maloney
Coat

@ Wize

"Did they just happen to have one knocking about or did someone bring in one from home?"

A researcher's lady friend tossed it out, because it chipped her teeth.

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Tor usage up by more than 100% in August

Martin Maloney
Megaphone

Re: Why are people using Tor?

It seems to be a common human foible that those who resent any intrusion into their own privacy regard others with the same attitude as suspicious. There's also the authoritarian attitude of a certain fascist pig corporate CEO that if one doesn't want anyone else to know what he is doing, then maybe he shouldn't be doing it.

Why then, in our real lives, do we have doors and locks and curtains and drapes and safes and...? Why then, in our online lives, should we not avail ourselves of their cyber equivalents?

Privacy requires no justification. Privacy, for its own sake, is a fundamental human right.

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