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* Posts by hi_robb

198 posts • joined 7 Jul 2007

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GOD particle MAY NOT BE GOD particle: Scientists in shock claim

hi_robb

Oh no.

This will cause mass panic amongst scientists.

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Virgin Media CUTS OFF weekend 'net surfers after embarrassing smut-filtering snafu

hi_robb

Hmmm

the people complaining about this are wankers...

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Hackers plunder Hilton 'HHonors' rewards points, go on shopping spree

hi_robb

Hmm

It would seem there's Honour among thieves..

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Trolls pop malformed heads above bridge to sling abuse at Tim Cook

hi_robb

Ironic

The trolls getting outraged about fucking arseholes when they're quite clearly fucking arseholes...

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Jim Beam me up, Scotty! WHISKY from SPAAACE returns to Earth

hi_robb

Well...

I'll bet it tastes excellent, very light...

/Gets dragged off stage left.

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Even a broken watch is right twice a day: Not an un-charged Apple Watch

hi_robb

Hmmm

"I need to charge my iWatch every day!"

Is that a wind up?

"No it's got a battery,.."

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ICO to fine UNBIDDEN MARKETEERS who cause 'ANXIETY'

hi_robb

Good

Let's hope they do use their teeth to hit these spamming cuntflap fuckwits where it hurts.

Their pockets.

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Voyager 1 now EIGHTEEN LIGHT HOURS from home

hi_robb

Something which makes me sad.

Voyager has taken 37 years to travel it's 18 light hours so far. So by quick head calculations, to travel it's full 1 light day distance is going to take another 12 (+ a few months) years. So It's not going to be able to broadcast it's done that light day before it's systems shutdown :-(

D

Note: Somehow I think I've got my maths very wrong, but I've now been working since Saturday with no sleep so excuse my school boy errors.

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Scientists skeptical of Lockheed Martin's truck-sized FUSION reactor breakthrough boast

hi_robb

Now the serious comment.

the last comment was obviously a joke, before anyone takes offence.

Being that it came from Lockheed's Skunk works who are one of the most respected engineering design and problem solving teams in the world, this announcement should be treated with a bit less scepticism as the cold fusion one made by one man some time ago.

Anyone interested in this should have a look at the wiki page which has a little bit more info (not much) on it and it's designer.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/High_beta_fusion_reactor

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hi_robb

I've said it once and I'll say it again...

Sounds like con fusion to me.

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New Scottish Apple Store appears, then VANISHES off map app

hi_robb
Joke

I wonder if they'll have a new product range for the Jocks!

The aye-Phone, aye-Pad and aye-Pod...

/gets coat (because Scotland is cold)

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4chan outraged by Emma Watson nudie photo leak SCAM

hi_robb

Well.

If you're waiting for some hacking group to release naked pics of Emma Watson, you're obviously a wanker.

D

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'Kim Kardashian snaps naked selfies with a BLACKBERRY'. *Twitterati gasps*

hi_robb

I'm disappointed

There wasn't one picture of Kim Kardashian's tit in those leaked images!

Or Kayne as she likes to call him...

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Leak of '5 MEELLLION Gmail passwords' creates security flap

hi_robb

Interesting

I had a text from Google last week to say someone had tried to log in to my account and they'd stopped it as it looked suspicious. I Had to change the password.

I wonder if this is the reason?

D

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Go on, corporate drone, log in... We'd recognise your VEINS anywhere – Barclays

hi_robb
Joke

Hmmm

I've been trying to log in to my Barclays Bank account this morning.

So far all my attempts have been in vein...

/gets coat and is dragged of stage.

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WIN: Your passport to PuppetConf 2014

hi_robb

Shame

I thought this was some kind of actual puppet convention and was about to enter, but it's just the day job type stuff.

I'm a big fan of puppets, if you are to, put your hand up.

/Gets Coat

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Check your Clungene, Irish women warned

hi_robb

err

yes Irish woman, use another product on your clungene 'to be sure'

I'm actually a bit stunned that the Chinese do a cheap pregnancy test, they really do take the piss..

/gets coat

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REGULAR FISTING is GOOD for your HEALTH, says respected surveyor

hi_robb

And

If you're in to fisting, put your hand up.

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METRE-LONG DINOSAUR POO going under the hammer

hi_robb

But...

Does it come with a copy of 'The Origin OF Faeces?'

/Gets coat.

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Six charged over StubHub e-ticket heist for Elton John gigs

hi_robb

Hmm...

Don't let my son go down...

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Major problems beset UK ISP filth filters: But it's OK, nobody uses them

hi_robb

Only a small percentage use the filters...

Which just goes to show that here in the UK, we really are a bunch of wankers..

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Phone charging log helps to convict murderer

hi_robb

Hmm.

His phone being in the dock, put him in the dock!

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Happy Birthday Tetris: It's flipping 30

hi_robb

Wow, Tetris is really 30 years old...

t's getting a bit round the block now.

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REVEALED: GCHQ's BEYOND TOP SECRET Middle Eastern INTERNET SPY BASE

hi_robb

Re: TRAITORS

And by reading the article, you Sir are as much a traitor as El Reg or I.

Just how many hands is that horse of yours? Be careful you don't hurt yourself when you fall off.

D

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Jokes of no more than 2 lines

hi_robb

Another of mine

Laying a drive with rubble and glitter, that's pretty hardcore.

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hi_robb

Re: Some of mine.

Yep, I posted mainly 2 line jokes, not just 2 lines and 1 joke.

If I post more, I'll stick to the 2 line per post format.

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hi_robb
Joke

Some of mine.

The wife's been reading all the letters beginning with 'S' in the dictionary!

I think she's up to something..

--

Scotland should open a place for quick divorces called Regretna Green.

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Play Justin Bieber's songs backwards and you can hear a message from Satan!

Worse, if you play them forwards you hear Justin Bieber.

--

I'm reading 'The Art Of Whispering - Volume One'

--

I used to take steroids but stopped when I started growing an extra penis!

"Anabolic?"

No, just a penis..

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I got assaulted last night by some bastard with a power tool!!

There I was minding my own business when 'Bosch.'

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How do you make a horse drink?

With a massive blender!

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Lollipop Ladies, they make me cross.

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Schrödinger's cat walks in to a bar / Schrödinger's cat doesn't walk in to a bar.

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I had an accident in the office earlier!

It was bring your child to work day.

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Ironically in a list of all the phobias that people suffer from, the fear of heights is right near the top.

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Sherlock: "Watson?"

Watson: "Nothing Holmes, telly is crap tonight"

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How do you grow an LSD tree?

A seed...

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Everyone knows who Beyonce is, but not many know her cousin Beytwice!

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I've written a song about Jimmy Savile's willy!

It's in a minor..

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Man caught stealing hay has been released on bail..

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I haven't contacted my mate Frodo Baggins for ages, I think I'll give him a ring..

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I call my loofah 'Lex'

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The wife's just moved out because of my obsession with Ultravox!

This means nothing to me.

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Wow, it turns out the young musician of the year is a kiddy fiddler..

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I've just given the kids a dead arm each!

I'll give them the rest of their mothers body later..

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Big shout out to the hard of hearing.

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I hate weebles, self righteous bastards..

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I phoned a local restaurant earlier and asked if they done home delivery?

Them: "We do Sir"

Me: "Fantastic, I'll have a bungalow.."

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My New Years resolution?

To buy a Velcro sofa! Hopefully I'll stick to it..

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The wife asked me to buy her a One Direction ticket!

So I have..

To Australia.

--

That should do you for a while. I've got loads more in Twitter @hi_robb if you want to have a look.

D

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Teen girl arrested with 70-year-old man's four inch weapon inside her

hi_robb
Paris Hilton

Hmm

Seems a bit gun hoe...

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95 floors in 43 SECONDS: Hitachi's new ultra-high-speed lift

hi_robb

I've heard

That they also plan to put 1 more floor on top of the building this lift is in!

But that's another story...

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Time is on their side: NIST's new atomic clock accurate for 300 MEEELLION years

hi_robb

Well done El Reg for doing this article.

It's about time...

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How to Poo on a Date wins odd book title of the year

hi_robb

Well

I prefer this one.

http://twitter.com/hi_robb/statuses/340863778637901825

D

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Blighty goes retro with 12-sided pound coin

hi_robb

Hmmm.

I'll tell you what, The Queen's put on a few pounds..

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Brit 'naut Major Tim could carry YOUR name into SPAAAAACCEEE

hi_robb

I've entered to.

I suggested 'Munro' as Tim is a keen climber, loves Scotland and climbing there and has a Scottish wife. It's also a play on his name with Sir Munro being the first to catalogue all 'peaks' over 3000ft in Scotland.

Here's hoping.

D

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Police pen shortage threatens Irish public order

hi_robb

Hmm

I know why they insist people sign using a pen...

To be sure...

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KA-BLAM!! Marvel Comics opens super-powered data API to web devs

hi_robb

hmmm

We could call it Web spider man...

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Audiophiles: These Wi-Fi speakers have a stereo drift of less than 25μs – good enough for you?

hi_robb

Erm

Yep and I'm one of them.

My speakers were set in their position so they were a certain distance from the rear wall to minimize standing waves, but kept good bass repsonse and tonal quality. I done it using a laser measure, taking in to account I wanted a perfect triangle distance wise between the speakers themselves and each speaker to the centre axis of my head!

Finally toe in of each speaker was taken care of with a laser pointer. I found the sweet spot for toe in with my speakers was not firing direct at the centre of my head but about 3 inches either side of it. Basically the axis of the speakers would cross just behind my head.

There's many methods out there for setting up speakers, I tried most of them before settling on what's essentially a bit from 2 or 3 of the better known ones (Cardas etc). Does it make a difference though? Yes absolutely, pin point soundstage, great tonality and no bass bloat, the speakers essentially do vanish and you hear the music, not the equipment. Yes it's a bit sad, but it harmed no one and I'm happy with the sound.

I do agree though that there's an awful lot of snake oil in the audiophille world.

D

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Mountain bike mishap man suffers SEVEN WEEK stiffie

hi_robb

Hmm

I'm asumming his bike of choice was a hard tail...

/gets coat

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Fanbois, prepare to lose your sh*t as BRUSSELS KILLS IPHONE dock

hi_robb

Hmm..

Will companies that refuse to comply be hauled in to the dock?

/Gets coat

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Sceptic-bait E-Cat COLD FUSION generator goes on sale for $US1.5m

hi_robb
Alert

Hmmm.

The inventor is clearly suffering from con fusion.

/gets coat.

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From Dept of REALLY? Sueball lobbed at Apple over crap iOS Maps app

hi_robb

Well...

People will always find a way do do stuff like this, as long as they don't use Apple Maps to do it that is.

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Qatar whips covers off giant footballing vagina

hi_robb

Err.

Just wait until the Brazilian cuntingents visit it and prepare to be vajazzzled.

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From the Dept of You are Old: 'Selfie' officially 'Word of the Year'

hi_robb

So..

Did a team choose this word, or did someone pick it their selfie?

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Barclays says soz for titsup website, bank app

hi_robb

Erm...

A message to Barclays IT people. To check of a server is up Pingit....

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Goodbye cruel world: Robot 'commits suicide' in KITCHEN FIREBALL

hi_robb

Poor Robot

His last words were..

"Here I am, brain the size of a planet and they ask me to clean up after them!"

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None of your Bezos: Jeff's wife gives one star to journo's Amazon tome

hi_robb

How lovely.

It sounds like Jeff and his Wife's romance is doing well and they won't have to rekindle their relationship....

/Gets coat

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RIIIGHT. Sysadmins: Have you ever even MET an overly suave IT guy?

hi_robb

Well done.

Us IT people by the very nature of what we do for a living can be seen as boring, non sexy people. So I'm all for a bit of innuendo at work!

In fact I try to slip it in whenever I can..

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A-list celebs, biz barons' privates EXPOSED in limo hire hack – report

hi_robb

Oh dear

A posh person's dildo in a car?

That really is stuck up...

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Cyber dragnet: Five new HACKERS join FBI's 'most wanted' list

hi_robb

Err.

"Five new HACKERS join FBI's 'most wanted' list!"

Now there's an Enid Blyton title I never seen in the library :-(

D

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Baldness fix from foreskin follicles

hi_robb

Errr.

This is worth celebrating so I'm off to the pube, sorry pub!

But a couple of thoughts before I do...

1: Does this mean in future that you won't get head lice, you'll get head crabs?

2: It certainly puts a whole new spin on the "just going to get my hair snipped" saying.

3: does it mean we have to call 'mohicans' 'brazillians' now?

3: do helmets now need to be called something else!!!!

/Gets coat and calls taxi

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EasyJet website crashes and burns

hi_robb

IMHO

Easyjet obviously changed something and it's gone titsup!

Rather than just going for the big bang, they should have had a pilot..

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