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* Posts by hi_robb

180 posts • joined 7 Jul 2007

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METRE-LONG DINOSAUR POO going under the hammer

hi_robb

But...

Does it come with a copy of 'The Origin OF Faeces?'

/Gets coat.

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Six charged over StubHub e-ticket heist for Elton John gigs

hi_robb

Hmm...

Don't let my son go down...

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Major problems beset UK ISP filth filters: But it's OK, nobody uses them

hi_robb

Only a small percentage use the filters...

Which just goes to show that here in the UK, we really are a bunch of wankers..

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Phone charging log helps to convict murderer

hi_robb

Hmm.

His phone being in the dock, put him in the dock!

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Happy Birthday Tetris: It's flipping 30

hi_robb

Wow, Tetris is really 30 years old...

t's getting a bit round the block now.

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REVEALED: GCHQ's BEYOND TOP SECRET Middle Eastern INTERNET SPY BASE

hi_robb

Re: TRAITORS

And by reading the article, you Sir are as much a traitor as El Reg or I.

Just how many hands is that horse of yours? Be careful you don't hurt yourself when you fall off.

D

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Jokes of no more than 2 lines

hi_robb

Another of mine

Laying a drive with rubble and glitter, that's pretty hardcore.

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hi_robb

Re: Some of mine.

Yep, I posted mainly 2 line jokes, not just 2 lines and 1 joke.

If I post more, I'll stick to the 2 line per post format.

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hi_robb
Joke

Some of mine.

The wife's been reading all the letters beginning with 'S' in the dictionary!

I think she's up to something..

--

Scotland should open a place for quick divorces called Regretna Green.

--

Play Justin Bieber's songs backwards and you can hear a message from Satan!

Worse, if you play them forwards you hear Justin Bieber.

--

I'm reading 'The Art Of Whispering - Volume One'

--

I used to take steroids but stopped when I started growing an extra penis!

"Anabolic?"

No, just a penis..

--

I got assaulted last night by some bastard with a power tool!!

There I was minding my own business when 'Bosch.'

--

How do you make a horse drink?

With a massive blender!

--

Lollipop Ladies, they make me cross.

--

Schrödinger's cat walks in to a bar / Schrödinger's cat doesn't walk in to a bar.

--

I had an accident in the office earlier!

It was bring your child to work day.

--

Ironically in a list of all the phobias that people suffer from, the fear of heights is right near the top.

--

Sherlock: "Watson?"

Watson: "Nothing Holmes, telly is crap tonight"

--

How do you grow an LSD tree?

A seed...

--

Everyone knows who Beyonce is, but not many know her cousin Beytwice!

--

I've written a song about Jimmy Savile's willy!

It's in a minor..

--

Man caught stealing hay has been released on bail..

--

I haven't contacted my mate Frodo Baggins for ages, I think I'll give him a ring..

--

I call my loofah 'Lex'

--

The wife's just moved out because of my obsession with Ultravox!

This means nothing to me.

--

Wow, it turns out the young musician of the year is a kiddy fiddler..

--

I've just given the kids a dead arm each!

I'll give them the rest of their mothers body later..

--

Big shout out to the hard of hearing.

--

I hate weebles, self righteous bastards..

--

I phoned a local restaurant earlier and asked if they done home delivery?

Them: "We do Sir"

Me: "Fantastic, I'll have a bungalow.."

--

My New Years resolution?

To buy a Velcro sofa! Hopefully I'll stick to it..

--

The wife asked me to buy her a One Direction ticket!

So I have..

To Australia.

--

That should do you for a while. I've got loads more in Twitter @hi_robb if you want to have a look.

D

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Teen girl arrested with 70-year-old man's four inch weapon inside her

hi_robb
Paris Hilton

Hmm

Seems a bit gun hoe...

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95 floors in 43 SECONDS: Hitachi's new ultra-high-speed lift

hi_robb

I've heard

That they also plan to put 1 more floor on top of the building this lift is in!

But that's another story...

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Time is on their side: NIST's new atomic clock accurate for 300 MEEELLION years

hi_robb

Well done El Reg for doing this article.

It's about time...

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How to Poo on a Date wins odd book title of the year

hi_robb

Well

I prefer this one.

http://twitter.com/hi_robb/statuses/340863778637901825

D

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Blighty goes retro with 12-sided pound coin

hi_robb

Hmmm.

I'll tell you what, The Queen's put on a few pounds..

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Brit 'naut Major Tim could carry YOUR name into SPAAAAACCEEE

hi_robb

I've entered to.

I suggested 'Munro' as Tim is a keen climber, loves Scotland and climbing there and has a Scottish wife. It's also a play on his name with Sir Munro being the first to catalogue all 'peaks' over 3000ft in Scotland.

Here's hoping.

D

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Police pen shortage threatens Irish public order

hi_robb

Hmm

I know why they insist people sign using a pen...

To be sure...

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KA-BLAM!! Marvel Comics opens super-powered data API to web devs

hi_robb

hmmm

We could call it Web spider man...

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Audiophiles: These Wi-Fi speakers have a stereo drift of less than 25μs – good enough for you?

hi_robb

Erm

Yep and I'm one of them.

My speakers were set in their position so they were a certain distance from the rear wall to minimize standing waves, but kept good bass repsonse and tonal quality. I done it using a laser measure, taking in to account I wanted a perfect triangle distance wise between the speakers themselves and each speaker to the centre axis of my head!

Finally toe in of each speaker was taken care of with a laser pointer. I found the sweet spot for toe in with my speakers was not firing direct at the centre of my head but about 3 inches either side of it. Basically the axis of the speakers would cross just behind my head.

There's many methods out there for setting up speakers, I tried most of them before settling on what's essentially a bit from 2 or 3 of the better known ones (Cardas etc). Does it make a difference though? Yes absolutely, pin point soundstage, great tonality and no bass bloat, the speakers essentially do vanish and you hear the music, not the equipment. Yes it's a bit sad, but it harmed no one and I'm happy with the sound.

I do agree though that there's an awful lot of snake oil in the audiophille world.

D

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Mountain bike mishap man suffers SEVEN WEEK stiffie

hi_robb

Hmm

I'm asumming his bike of choice was a hard tail...

/gets coat

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Fanbois, prepare to lose your sh*t as BRUSSELS KILLS IPHONE dock

hi_robb

Hmm..

Will companies that refuse to comply be hauled in to the dock?

/Gets coat

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Sceptic-bait E-Cat COLD FUSION generator goes on sale for $US1.5m

hi_robb
Alert

Hmmm.

The inventor is clearly suffering from con fusion.

/gets coat.

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From Dept of REALLY? Sueball lobbed at Apple over crap iOS Maps app

hi_robb

Well...

People will always find a way do do stuff like this, as long as they don't use Apple Maps to do it that is.

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Qatar whips covers off giant footballing vagina

hi_robb

Err.

Just wait until the Brazilian cuntingents visit it and prepare to be vajazzzled.

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From the Dept of You are Old: 'Selfie' officially 'Word of the Year'

hi_robb

So..

Did a team choose this word, or did someone pick it their selfie?

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Barclays says soz for titsup website, bank app

hi_robb

Erm...

A message to Barclays IT people. To check of a server is up Pingit....

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Goodbye cruel world: Robot 'commits suicide' in KITCHEN FIREBALL

hi_robb

Poor Robot

His last words were..

"Here I am, brain the size of a planet and they ask me to clean up after them!"

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None of your Bezos: Jeff's wife gives one star to journo's Amazon tome

hi_robb

How lovely.

It sounds like Jeff and his Wife's romance is doing well and they won't have to rekindle their relationship....

/Gets coat

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RIIIGHT. Sysadmins: Have you ever even MET an overly suave IT guy?

hi_robb

Well done.

Us IT people by the very nature of what we do for a living can be seen as boring, non sexy people. So I'm all for a bit of innuendo at work!

In fact I try to slip it in whenever I can..

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A-list celebs, biz barons' privates EXPOSED in limo hire hack – report

hi_robb

Oh dear

A posh person's dildo in a car?

That really is stuck up...

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Cyber dragnet: Five new HACKERS join FBI's 'most wanted' list

hi_robb

Err.

"Five new HACKERS join FBI's 'most wanted' list!"

Now there's an Enid Blyton title I never seen in the library :-(

D

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Baldness fix from foreskin follicles

hi_robb

Errr.

This is worth celebrating so I'm off to the pube, sorry pub!

But a couple of thoughts before I do...

1: Does this mean in future that you won't get head lice, you'll get head crabs?

2: It certainly puts a whole new spin on the "just going to get my hair snipped" saying.

3: does it mean we have to call 'mohicans' 'brazillians' now?

3: do helmets now need to be called something else!!!!

/Gets coat and calls taxi

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EasyJet website crashes and burns

hi_robb

IMHO

Easyjet obviously changed something and it's gone titsup!

Rather than just going for the big bang, they should have had a pilot..

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Apple's Steve Jobs was a SEX-crazed World War II fighter pilot, says ex

hi_robb

Now

If Steve was around, he'd spit fire...

/Calls taxi.

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Whodathunkit? Media barons slit own throats in anti-freetard crackdowns

hi_robb

Err.

In other news bear shits in woods.

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Congrats on MP3ing your music... but WHY bother? Time for my ripping yarn

hi_robb

Good article.

I've also got a lot of CDs (now running in to the thousands).

I've thought about starting the process of ripping them but it would just take too bloody long. The wife would also disown me as she can't be faffed with anything other than grabbing a CD and sticking it in the cd player, and the kids would not be able to find barbie girl or justin beaver or whatever crap it is they want to listen to.

I also like the author love having the physical media, it makes me feel like I've actually bought something. Not only that but people who visit always comment on the music collection and love thumbing through it.

I've also got a fairly high end hifi at home consiting of two speakers, an amp and a cd player. the CD player is magical as it has a magnetic puck! So to put a CD on you - a: manually pull cd drawer out, b: pull magnetic puck off tray, c: place cd in tray, then d: place puck over top of CD and it clamps the CD down, then finally close tray and press play.

Call me nostalgic but it's abit like putting a 12' on a deck and putting the needle on and it never fails to make me feel a little bit good doing it.

I have Mp3s obviously as I listen to music on the go but it just feels sterile putting on of them on.

D

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Apple Maps directs drivers INTO path of ONCOMING PLANES

hi_robb

Re: bong

"Then please switch your phone to flight mode"

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Fan whips out own pair of iPhone 32Cs, 'unlocks' mobe using breasticle

hi_robb

Personally

I just love unlocking my new iPhone with my nipple!

Sorry, just had to get it off my chest.

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Chaos Computer Club: iPhone 5S finger-sniffer COMPROMISED

hi_robb

Errr.

Cop - "So what makes you think theives managed to bypass the new touchID in your iPhone 5s?

Crime Vitcum : I don't know, I just can't put my finger on it...

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Official crackdown on Apple fanboi 'shanty town' ahead of London iPhone launch

hi_robb

Err

Looks like they've got a small iQueue...

/Gets coat.

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THE TRUTH about beaver arse milk in your cakes: There's nothing vanilla about vanilla

hi_robb

Just realised...

They use this it in perfume to!

"Hello Miss, I love the smell of you beaver.."

*SLAP*

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hi_robb

All I can say is...

Dam...

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London Underground cleaners to refuse fingerprint clock-on

hi_robb

So...

The cleaners are going to be sticking two fingers up at the scanners!

Someone needs to tell them that one's enough for the machine to work...

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EXPLICIT VID: Man filmed trying to bang brand new 'budget iPhone'

hi_robb

Errr.

Looks like an iPhone in a case to me!

Possible new range of cases by some unknown firm perhaps?

D

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'But we like 1 Direction!' Rock gods The Who fend off teen Twitter hate mob

hi_robb
Coat

Well...

I bought my wife a one direction ticket earlier!

To Australia...

/gets coat

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20 injured at LG phone giveaway as PR stunt turns into freetard riot

hi_robb

Well...

It sounds like it was a popular event.

/gets coat

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100,000+ Earthlings star in 'reality TV contest' for ONE-WAY ticket to MARS

hi_robb

Beep, Beep, Beep

PASADENA CONTROL: It's looking good. It's going good. We're getting

great pictures here at Nasa Control, Pasadena. The landing-craft touched down on

Mars 28 Kilometers from the aim-point. We're looking at a remarkable landscape,

littered with different kinds of rocks - red, purple.... How 'bout that, Bermuda?

BERMUDA CONTROL: Fantastic! Look at the dune-field.

PASADENA CONTROL: Hey, wait. I'm getting a no-go signal. Now I'm losing one of

the craft. Hey, Bermuda, you getting it?

BERMUDA CONTROL: No, I lost contact. There's a lot of dust blowing up there.

PASADENA CONTROL: Now I've lost the second craft. We got problems.

BERMUDA CONTROL: All contact lost, Pasadena. Maybe the antenna's...

PASADENA CONTROL: What's that flare? See it? A green flare, coming from Mars,

kind of a green mist behind it. It's getting closer. You see it, Bermuda? Come in,

Bermuda! Houston, come in! What's going on?

Tracking station 43, Canberra, come in Canberra! Tracking station 63, can

you hear me, Madrid? Can anybody hear me? Come in, come in...

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Cameron demands Brits BOYCOTT angry-troll-infested websites

hi_robb

Well I think...

That Cameron's idea of boycotting troll infested websites is a good one and I'm going to take his advice!

By avoiding any sites ending '.gov.uk'

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So, who here LURVES Windows Phone? Put your hands up, Brits

hi_robb

Erm.

My arms are staying down.

I'll only put my hand up for kinky sex.

/get coat

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ISPs: Relax. Blocking smut online WON'T really work

hi_robb

You know...

All these people against internet porn filters are just wankers...

/gets coat

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