* Posts by returnmyjedi

510 posts • joined 26 Mar 2013

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Microsoft's magic hurts: Nadella signals 'tough choices' on the way

returnmyjedi
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I hate you, old man

I moved from a Lumia 930 to an LG G4 purely because the latter has Knights of the Old Republic and an iPlayer app that allows downloads. Even after nearly five years it's still the app gap that's crippling Windows Phone, such is a shame as for me it's the most logical and well thought out of all the mobile OSs.

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Using leather in 'leccy cars is 'unTesla', rages vegan shareholder

returnmyjedi
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Yikes. No leather would be one step closer to the world in Rob Grant's "Incompetence", whereby everyone wears espadrilles made of old carrots and courgettes.

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Apple brews new News news to peruse - screws news dudes

returnmyjedi
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Re: iMovie, Keynote and GarageBand are optional installs

...Health, Apple Watch, Notes, Passbook, and - most egregious of all - Stocks. Interestingly the folder into which I unceremoniously lob all these unwanted apps actually named itself "Apple Crap". Probably.

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Couple sues estate agent who sold them her mum's snake-infested house

returnmyjedi
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At least there weren't any lizards. (Bit NSFW due to swears).

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Siri, dim the lights and warm us up: First gizmos for Apple HomeKit love-in emerge

returnmyjedi
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Oh goody. Yet another app to sit alongside Stocks, Health, Watch, Newsstand, Passbook, iBooks et al that I will neither use nor be able to uninstall from the meagre storage that Apple think is necessary (I've got 16gb on my work 5S; I pity the 5C users).

God bless you Tim! God bless you Johnny! God bless you Dead Steve Jobs! Good bless you everyone!

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Sir Jony Ive, chief Apple doodler, promoted – into job he already has

returnmyjedi
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Aside from the overwhelming biliousness that the Fry "interview" invokes, I was left with a sense of disappointment that it wasn't published in the National Treasure's ™ usual Kleenex of choice, the Grauniad. Whilst the Telegraph's commentards include the occasional Apple zealot they are a pale imitation of those that exist under the CiF line.

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Maserati Ghibli S: Who cares what Joe Walsh thinks?

returnmyjedi
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Re: 7:05 Good Call!

I think you'll find that 7.45am is the time when most folks abandon Radio 4.

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Multiple fondling on the MIGHTY 12-INCH iOS 9 SLAB — so, so close now

returnmyjedi
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So you can snap two apps together, either 50/50 or ⅔/⅓? Truly magical/revolutionary.

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Google Maps gets hit with racist White House listing

returnmyjedi
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Re: That reminds me

"Beware the Scunthorpe Problem in such scenarios, though."

Is that why the village of Cuntbubble doesn't appear on either Google or Apple maps?

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Apple threw its TV out the window after years of research: report

returnmyjedi
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Re: Disproof

"Apple do have a 2010 patent on a laser-powered display"

I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue have had a laser display screen since the 1970s so I look forward to Samantha going down hard on Cook et al if they release that.

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Microsoft celebrates 25 years' SOLITARY SELF-PLEASURE with GROUP SESSION

returnmyjedi
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The Solitaire collection is also available on Windows 8, as is Minesweeper. Just saying.

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Use your Apple gizmos only for good, says Tim Cook

returnmyjedi
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Re: Wow...

Timmy doesn't give a tuppeny for your iPod, he's all about timepieces and waste-paper baskets nowadays.

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Microsoft's Surface 3 is sweet – but I wouldn't tickle my nads with it

returnmyjedi
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Re: £419 (64GB, 2GB RAM), £499 (128GB, 4GB RAM) RRP

"No table is worth this price"

Depends on how many you can sit round it.

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Roku 3: Probably the best streaming player on the market ... for now, at least

returnmyjedi
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We've got a Roku 2. It has the natty headphone jack in the remote, but doesn't sport the extra buttons that this model does. It outputs at 1080p and navigation is swift, but its older hardware internals mean it doesn't support the new version of Netflix which for me is a good thing as being recommended Cabin In The Woods because my toddler watched Bambi on the iPad is a little annoying (Bambi is far more hardcore, natch).

The little box only cost me £40 from Amazon which is more than a Now TV box (but doesn't lock out Netflix) and much cheaper than both Apple's and Amazon's offerings.

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Mad Max: Fury Road – two hours of nonstop, utterly insane fantasy action

returnmyjedi
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Watched it Thursday with a big grin upon my face throughout its two hour running time. The action was predictably kinetic and ludicrous (milking mammas, the blind guy thrashing out riffs on his conflagrating guitar), but I was pleasantly surprised how beautiful it was. And not just because of the wives. I also found myself actually caring about the protagonists, especially the ones Max et al meet in the third act.

Film of the year for me.

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Election? Pah. Here's the REAL question: Who’s the SEXIEST MP?

returnmyjedi
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Re: Mmm, Berger

If only Wayne Kerr and Mike Hunt (UKIP's losing candidates for Wombwell and Braintree respectively) would have won...

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returnmyjedi
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It's all a nonsense really, as we all know Grant Shapps would have topped the last had he not had to vote for four different versions of himself. Furthermore, once Chuka Umunna's office get wind of it they'll start upvoting him. He's the British Barak Obama' y'know.

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returnmyjedi
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Re: Time for jokes.

Ed Balls.

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Mondeo Man turns into mutant electrical beauty: Ford Mondeo Hybrid

returnmyjedi
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I had a 1.6 diesel Mondeo (previous model) as a lease car a couple of years ago whilst I waited for my company one to arrive and it managed an mpg in the mid 60s without any particular effort on my behalf. Aside from the snug sense of self satisfaction and the ability to sneak up on other road users I really cannot see the benefits of a hybrid over an oil burner (aside from a few less CO2s and NOXs emitted, natch).

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Theresa May: Right, THIS time we're getting the Snoopers' Charter in

returnmyjedi
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Re: If there's ever a time to mourn the collapse...

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world it was all Nick Clegg's fault.

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Citizens denied chance to vote in local-government IT cockup

returnmyjedi
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Oh my. Diane Abbot will be very concerned about how this affects the people of Haaahhkney.

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Windows 10 bombshell: Microsoft to KILL OFF Patch Tuesday

returnmyjedi
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Re: Microsoft taking a swipe at another company

You're not exactly comparing like for like. A better comparison would be Android with Windows Phone 7 which Microsoft abandoned 3 and a bit years after its launch.

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Microsoft HoloLens or Hollow Lens? El Reg stares down cyber-specs' code

returnmyjedi
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The reluctance of the Microsoft humanoids to discuss the innards at this point is hardly surprising in alpha kit, as there will be negotiations going on with whomever provides the chips n bits.

My main worry is that I recall watching a documentary about a spaceship whose crew all went a bit mad thanks to a game played on similar headsets (can't remember the name but the captain was a Frenchman with a Yorkshire accent).

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Apple in rinky-dink ink stink wristjob admission: Watch IS affected by TATTOOS

returnmyjedi
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There's a cream for that.

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New Windows 10 will STAGGER to its feet, says Microsoft OS veep

returnmyjedi
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Re: I'm too old for this

Unfinished software in not-fully-functioning shocker. Film at eleven.

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iOS and Android apps on Windows 10: How is this supposed to work?

returnmyjedi
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Re: "Android apps on Windows 10 are mobile-only..."

Back in the day that they used the Metro moniker, the odd Windows Phone app was far better than its ios and Android cousins (ebay, Natwest, Right Move spring to mind) thanks to the lack of the dreaded burger menus. In their wisdom, MS decided this differing design language (however superior for the most part) was what was stalling the worldwide domination of WP so have largely abandoned it. Shame really.

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Brits send Star Wars X-wing fighter to the stratosphere

returnmyjedi
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Re: Here's an interesting poser that I have posed elsewhere.

The Eurofighter shouldn't fly but does thanks to computrickery so it's not outside the realm of possibility. The B-Wing would be the real challenge.

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This is Sparta? No - it's Microsoft Edge, Son of Internet Explorer

returnmyjedi
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Re: Microsoft Marketing

It's probably due to Spartan also meaning a bit basic (from a design perspective, natch). I can't disagree with the punchability of Belfiore's head-ball, though.

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Apple to devs: Watch out, don't make the Watch into a, well, a watch

returnmyjedi
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Re: Truth is funnier than fiction.

That Swiss watch design has very rounded corners.

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Fukushima nuke plant owner told to upgrade from Windows XP

returnmyjedi
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The Tokyo Electric Power Company (TEPCO), operator of the Stricken Fukushima Daiichi nuclear energy complex.

As stricken appears to be a proper noun, does that mean that's its official moniker now?

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Dead Steve Jobs' wage-fixing pact in Silicon Valley was news to us, claim Apple directors

returnmyjedi
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Re: De mortuis nil nisi bonum

Valar morghulis.

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Nokia to take $6bn bath on Navteq following AlcaLuc purchase

returnmyjedi
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I'm a big fan of HERE maps, largely for the offline capability and it's excellent(compared to other free ones at least) navigation. Microsoft seem the most likely buyer but as there hasn't been a leak from their colander like press office this seems unlikely. Maybe Apple then? The fruity maps are much improved from the laughable state they were in at launch, but they still get a bit disorientated at an alarming rate.

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Help! We need to pick a platform for our desert adventure

returnmyjedi
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Workbench 3.1

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Microsoft's top legal eagle: US cannot ignore foreign privacy laws

returnmyjedi
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Re: What an insult

Microsucks!! That is bloody genius. You sir have the wit of Wilde (the Kids in America one that is, natch).

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Google: Give us cash or we'll poke YouTube ads into your eyeballs

returnmyjedi
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Mmm...brasts.

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Microsoft goes cloud KERR-AZY, chops Windows Server to bits

returnmyjedi
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Re: Hold the phone - stop the presses!

And the Sidewinder flight stick; that was great.

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Fsck those new emojis! Install iOS 8.3, OS X 10.10.3 NOW to squash all these security bugs

returnmyjedi
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Terrible journalism. Apple products and software NEVER have bugs; they're either features or user errors. Move along, nothing to see here.

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Sony tells hacked gamer to pay for crooks' abuse of PlayStation account

returnmyjedi
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I could have the most complicated 29 character password and it would be as secure as 'password1' if it was stored as plain text on the company's server, as Sony did in the past.

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returnmyjedi
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For the hackers.

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It's the FALKLANDS SYNDROME! Fukushima MELTDOWN to cause '10,000 Chernobyls' in South Atlantic

returnmyjedi
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Re: Bloody stupid ...

"Who would call a dachshund "Colin". Really."

Blackadder?

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returnmyjedi
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Re: Excellent work!

Microsoft released a fear inducing trip down memory lane in the form of an MS-DOS "emulator" for Windows Phone. Had at least one minute of fun cd dot dotting before I realised that they hadn't thrown in any dos games. You can launch some apps from it which is pointless but somehow satisfying in a caveman sort of way.

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Anti-gay Indiana starts backtracking on hated law after tech pressure

returnmyjedi
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Whatever happened to love thy neighbour? Or indeed following Leviticus to the letter? I'd wager three Easter eggs that most of the concerned Christians that root their beliefs in the bible regularly chow down on shrimps and other crustaceans, don't beat their children to death every time they refuse to put their iPad down, and probably shave as well! Heathens!

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Just WALK IN and buy an Apple Watch. Are you mad?

returnmyjedi
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I'm slightly bilious after going to the Apple website and noticing that you rather than clicking to watch their keynotes, you click to "experience" them. How very bell-endulous of them.

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Microsoft's Windows 10 build list snowballs for Lumia mobes

returnmyjedi
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Re: Since when did the old Nokia Lumias suddenly get named just Lumia.

One of the conditions of Microsoft's acquisition of Nokia's devices division was that every time they referred to a Lumia as a Nokia Lumia, Nadella has to give Elop a bag of Doritos and a peck on the cheek. Hence the slightly revisionist nomenclature in the aforementioned list.

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Chrome trumps all comers in reported vulnerabilities

returnmyjedi
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Re: half truth statistics coming from Secunia.

You'll have the chaps from Operation Yewtree at your door with that sort of suggestion.

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returnmyjedi
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Re: half truth statistics coming from Secunia.

I had no idea Google rewarded those who report vulnerabilities with a Bounty. I prefer a Twix myself, but hey, chocolate is chocolate.

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Dear departed Internet Explorer, how I will miss you ... NOT

returnmyjedi
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I thought Spartan was a continuation of Redmond's latest bit of frivolity in naming development projects after elements of the Halo universe, following on from Threshold (Win 10) and Cortana (who was lucky to keep her name, rather than Microsoft's usual desire to rename with something far more clunky).

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Apple's portable power podule patent promises paroxysms of fanboi joy

returnmyjedi
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You're exploding it wrong.

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A gold MacBook with just ONE USB port? Apple, you're DRUNK

returnmyjedi
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When viewed in their natural habitat, most Appleoids have two things plugged into their shiny MacBooks: A power cable and their iPhone (presumably to power the latter also). Had they any sense of decency, Ive et al would have plonked a USB pass through on the power connector, or at least on the power supply brick (even Sony used to do that on their later Vaio laptops).

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