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* Posts by Rol

260 posts • joined 24 Jan 2013

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June Whitfield and EE to old folk: Would you like a nice cup of tea and some internet, dear?

Rol
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So you want to send little Timmy an email...

...well, err, this is what I recommend.

"And how much will that cost deary"

"Well, only £18 per month" uttered while coughing "for the first 6 months then £70"

"Sorry deary, did you say £70"

"Errrr yesss, but you get all the boxing, porn films and cricket you can take"

"I don't want any of that"

"I'm afraid it's part of the package, this isn't Wollworth's pick and mix"

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HP, Microsoft prove it again: Big Business doesn't create jobs

Rol
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M$ & HP will work things through....

..in the usual manner.

It hasn't happened yet, as the worldwide recession is still a factor, but once things are on the up, M$ will do it's usual job creation rally by releasing an "upgrade" that makes half of your hardware obsolete.

And when I say obsolete, I mean completely useless as the drivers will no longer work.

HP and other players will also do their usual and refuse point blank to write new drivers, while happily pointing you toward their new shiny shiny.

This is how the old school create growth in a stagnant market, by ensuring what you bought five years ago has to be replaced.

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Will the next US-EU trade pact prevent Brussels acting against US tech giants?

Rol
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Re: anti-smoking laws?

A good example.

Just as well America banned slavery when they did, as the cost to reimburse the industries for lost profits would be prohibitive once this little gem gets imposed.

If companies wish to trade as super humans, with rights and privileges elevated above humanity, then I should think it only fair they suffer punishments for transgression far and above those experienced now.

Maybe, when a man in a white lab coat starts to approach Google et al with a syringe loaded with an overdose of Pentobarbital they might consider a deathbed conversion away from the dark side preferable.

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Rol
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Re: I'm gonna start a new business, anyone care to join?

Err, I have my litigants guide to America and it suggest the term "allegedly" be scattered liberally through any statement I make regarding the performance of a named company. Also by talking in a rounded way they cannot squarely corner me.

As the alleged terms corrupt and incompetent are not allegedly the sole preserve of the companies you mention, the only other identifying features, that of, filling well heads with the left over goo from a nearby motorway construction, is also a practice of a community of travelling salesmen with a sideline in lucky heather.

Might I suggest, in the future, when your contract states you must use a preferred political donor to fill your well head, it would be most advisable to pay them off in stuffed brown envelopes and then get a bunch of gypsies in to do it. It will be months, rather than days before the weeds start poking through and the whole thing starts to crumble away.

Allegedly.

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Rol
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I'm gonna start a new business, anyone care to join?

The business is drilling for oil as close to American shores as possible.

Obviously I will use the most incompetent and corrupt local company to dump whatever they tell me is cement sludge on my well head and...well...wait for the disaster.

After the company has been dragged to hell and back through the courts I can then sue the American government for having the audacity to pass a law that makes it illegal to fuck up their coastline, their livelihood and the waterline of million pound yachts.

It's only fair, as most American globals are fucking up society better than a politician on PCP.

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Fear a terrifying killer robot revolution? GET A GRIP: Boffins invent cyborg hand for humans

Rol
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Re: Souds good

Two heads!

Now that would improve the morning, as my extra head could wake me up at about ten, in time for morning break and not at nine in time for the departmental meeting.

"Hey Zaphod, did you say anything stupid while I was sleeping through that meeting?"

"NO, of course not, I vehemently agreed with everything the boss said"

"So you did say something stupid"

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Fox wants Time to wrap up even more content

Rol
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Surely

The expertise shown by several of his staff recently might suggest a merger with the NSA is more appropriate.

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Cosmic dust riddle BREAKTHROUGH: Study tackles stuff of the universe

Rol
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As I've explained many times

the dust on my workstation is proof of my explosive activity and not as you assume, total lack of effort and sloth like pace.

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Adobe Flash: The most INSECURE program on a UK user's PC

Rol
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As always

The marketing department insists the perfectly working software needs more glam, more pizazz, more flash.

Eventually as a user I am forced into removing their blinged up garbage and have a need to find another provider, one that hasn't been around long enough to have a need for a marketing guru.

Why anyone, other than a teenage chav wannabe would find a need for ninty percent of what Adobe shoehorns into its products is beyond reason.

Oh and while I've got Adobe in my sights, your flash player, with all that extra gooeyness would be much improved if the moronic caption telling me the escape key will cancel full screen mode has a subtext telling me the caption which is currently ruining your viewing pleasure can be stopped forever by typing Yes, yes, I know already, otherwise please wait several lifetimes for the crappy message to go and then restart the video from the beginning.

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Virgin Media struck dumb by NATIONWIDE DNS outage

Rol
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Re: HMG ????

Me too, but no thank you.

They also offered to upgrade me to 50Mb, but, I smelt a con, which I guess would involve the Super Hub being installed and the price going up beyond inflation AGAIN!!!!!!!

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Rol
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Re: have you tried switching it off and on again ?

"Have you tried sticking it up your arse ?"

"I'm afraid my arse is too full of excuses for the poor service to fit anything not first pulled from my managers arse already"

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ISPs haul GCHQ into COURT over dragnet interwebs snooping

Rol
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VM, BT et al

I hope while you are sitting on the sidelines, some of your revenue gets funnelled into the fighting fund for this honourable challenge.

After all, you too will benefit if the whole snooping debacle gets slapped down and you get to remove all the encumbering intrusions that GCHQ forced on you.

Don't forget, technology is shaping up to be an unstoppable force, one which could eventually see all your subscribers signing up with snoop free Brazil ISP over a next gen satellite array.

OK not soon, but the old line to your home is eventually going to get challenged in the market place, so think on.

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We need to talk about SPEAKERS: Sorry, 'audiophiles', only IT will break the sound barrier

Rol
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Great article and supports my opinion that music is becoming more like puréed faeces to better take advantage of the utter disdain we have for fidelity.

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What's it like using the LG G smartwatch and Android Wear? Let us tell YOU

Rol
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Agent Lorrie I see a car parked on double yellows. Can you process?

I am two miles away, can't you do them over yourself

No I'm in Bangkok.

What on earth are you doing monitoring parking while on holiday?

I'm not on holiday I live here.

WTF

Well they pay me minimum wage, which allows me to survive admirably in Thailand., so long as I get 5000 parking tickets per week, and assists are just as good.

How does that work?

Well my pet dog has Google glass that streams live CCTV from all the known black spots. When he sees a car he instinctively tries to bite the wheels which activates a bleep on my smart watch and then I contact whoever is closest to the scene to attend and ticket the offending vehicle .

Wow, that's amazing.

Not really, I have to glance at my watch from time to time, which is really tedious.

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Infosec bods try Big Data in search for better anti-virus mousetrap

Rol
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Re: Anti-Virus is not "dead", profits are flat

You'll be wanting two operating systems then.

One to go online with and one to work offline with.

I do that now.

The online OS is a Linux distro and the offline one is win 7.

and they both get wiped and restored to squeaky clean every now and again with a ghost restore.

Not 100% infallibility, but in this day and age I'd settle for better than a toss of the dice, which seems to be the norm in security.

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Congress passes crackdown on NSA surveillance

Rol
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"Hello, Google? Yes, I'd like some advice, please"

"Sure sir, how can we help?"

"Well, you know how you manage to operate all over the world, and like, not be accountable in any of those jurisdictions"

"Err, yes"

"Well, I was wondering if you could send some of your guys over to us at the NSA to help us achieve the same status"

"For you sir, anything, we'll have Bob, Charlie and Dave visit you tomorrow, where should they report to?"

"That's OK, Bob knows the way"

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AMD details aggressive power-efficiency goal: 25X boost by 2020

Rol
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Re: The future is APUs

I agree, I built my current desktop around an AMD A10 5800K and while gaming wasn't my first goal, it makes a good fist of it. It runs many modern games at full tilt and maintains my number one criteria for quietness, which not having a discrete, noisy, GPU card certainly helps.

As it is I have one huge chunk of heat sink on the chip with a low noise fan and but for the PSU fan that's it. The exhaust fan is still waiting to be fitted if the temps go up, but that hasn't happened.

I would highly recommend APU chips for any general purpose home build.

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Microsoft in hunt for the practical qubit

Rol
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Re: A quantum computer running Windows?

Seeing as MS tends to create software that exists in the superposition state of working, but not working properly, I doubt they have the capacity to write the code necessary to lever anything of use from a quantum computer.

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EU privacy A-Team tells Google: Get a grip and obey OUR laws

Rol
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Re: I don't get it

If Google declares sod all revenue within the Uk, I guess a 10% penalty isn't much of a threat.

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Rol
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Hey Google

No representation, without taxation.

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Everyone can and should learn to code? RUBBISH, says Torvalds

Rol
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Re: Logical thought

You don't need teachers to teach kids logic.

Just pit them against a crow in problem solving tasks with treats as rewards.

If they fail to learn from the crow, and win no sweets, I guess logic is beyond them, but there's always the cage of ravenous dogs, where they may prove themselves to be budding politicians.

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UK govt 'tearing up road laws' for Google's self-driving cars: THE TRUTH

Rol
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Re: @'s water music

It isn't the bugs that concern me, but the pathways into these systems that have been created to allow remote access.

Remote access, I hear you say.

Yes, the means, which our over zealous enforcers will undoubtedly demand are present, to, well, better enforce.

The means to upgrade firmware en mass, the means to allow connectivity to the outside world, the means to make the passenger experience, that touch more enjoyable.

All these things add up to a number of attack vectors, that some hackers will be drooling over as we speak.

It isn't right that a world, that has experienced such a huge problem with viruses, rootkits and all should be allowing the same tech companies that left our PC's and phones open to attack, the opportunity to kill motorists in their millions.

Not once have I read about the security of these systems and quite frankly until it becomes the number one issue in every facet of development, I hope they never get off the test track.

While some may point at the success of drones, I would be quick to remind you, malevolent teenage hackers have yet to take one apart, through a fortuitous combination of cost and availability, which the autonomous car in its ubiquitous take up will not enjoy for very long.

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Evidence of ancient WORLD SMASHER planet Theia - FOUND ON MOON

Rol
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Re: Back and forth

As the Earth was considered to only have had the slightest of skins on its surface, a large body passing very close, or even glancing could have brought the Moon into existence without necessarily leaving much of itself behind. Maybe, somewhere out there is a large body, dripping in evidence and looking rather guilty. I must admit Mars looks a bit red in the face.

"Where were you on the night of the attack and can anyone corroborate your story? I'm just going to take a swab for DNA. Please don't leave town Mars, as we may need to ask you some more questions later"

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How to simplify storage management

Rol
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Joke

Re: Sponsor?

It's the National Storage Association in conjunction with their local partner General Cryptography Hacking and Quantumization, a new start-up from Cheltenham. All respondents will get at minimal cost a brand new state of the art Quantum Switch to better manage the flow of data to and from their systems.

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Fed-up bloke takes email spammers to court – and WINS PILE of CASH

Rol
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Re: voluntarily ???

Yep, Not ten minutes ago I was knee deep in moneysupermarket's compare electricity providers, which wanted my full address and email before they would show me the results of the comparison.

I'd rather keep whipping the mice on the wheel to go faster than open myself up to a torrent of unwanted mail.

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For your next privacy panic, look no further than vending machines

Rol
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"Hey Steve, Steve. Shouldn't you be at work right now?"

"I can forget I saw you for £20"

"No, hold on, hold on, she's not your wife, insert another £20"

"Hey hold on, I see you earned a princely fortune last year, make that another £100"

"Oh this just gets better, I see from the electoral register you voted for UKIP, insert your entire wallet or I'll put it over the tanoy"

Laughable, but I doubt the fizzy drinks people will consider spending a bottle cap on securing the data, so any hacker could quite easily do the above.

* Note, I do not know Steve and have invented the above scenarios for the purpose of entertaining whilst educating. If his boss is reading this, he was busy at work all day.

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Google's driverless car: It'll just block our roads. It's the WORST

Rol
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Several years ago..

I had a very similar idea to the driver-less car, the driver-less cab, however the overriding factor was that it didn't impede upon any other road users and hence was an answer to congestion.

Well, cab, is my short name for caboose and it runs on a grid network of overhead monorails. The rails follow the current road system and are supported by hybrid lamp posts that also allow the cabs to travel down to street level to embark / disembark.

Most of the cabs would be owned by the operator and available on demand or prebooked. The autonomous system would quickly learn how demand waxes and wanes through the working day and endeavour to have sufficient capacity in the right place at the right time.

Outside the normal rush, spare capacity can be used to transport goods from out of town hubs directly to the shops, taking more traffic off the roads.

I never could see the sense behind the myriad of transport "solutions" that stole ever more of the highway from other users while claiming, without blushing, to be an answer to the congestion.

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Come with me if you want a lid: Apple bags Terminator-esque LiquidMetal mobe patent

Rol
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I remember...

..using Liquid Steel to fix forever the exhaust manifold on my Morris to the engine block, some twenty plus years ago. Yeah, total bodge, but far easier than drilling the snapped bolt out and it worked a treat, well, outlived the rest of the original steel / iron oxide, it was made from.

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Tesla's TOP SECRET gigafactories: Lithium to power world's vehicles? Let's do the sums

Rol
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What shortage?

I do believe Bolivia is getting its head around the processes necessary to feed the world all the lithium it desires, from the Uyuni salt flats. Which is considered to hold 70% of the worlds confirmed deposits.

It is a slow process though as Bolivia isn't entertaining outside investment, which is understandable when you consider how the country, like many others, had much of its mineral wealth stolen by foreign companies in the past.

Their ultimate goal is to supply the end product, not just the elements to make it and so get a greater return. Without the support of Tesla or the like, the battery technology they eventually fall upon will forever be a decade in the past and likely uncompetitive.

Well, I mentioned Tesla, and they do appear to have a squeaky clean, nice guy image, so if Bolivia is serious about its intentions and Tesla is willing to risk seeing its investment nationalised on a whim....Who knows?

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ET hunter: We will find SPACE ALIENS in 20 years

Rol
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It's all quiet

Too quiet.

Makes me consider the possibility that aliens who did blurt out to the galaxy got a bit of a shock visit from those who intend to keep it for themselves.

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CERN: Build terabit networks or the Higgs gets it!

Rol
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Just come out and say it.

We want to go analogue!

I wonder how much analogue information could be buffered in a parsec or so of super-conducting cable looping around the site?

Just a thought.

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Apple haggles with ISPs for fast lanes to its own websites – industry guru

Rol
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Like a motorway, perhaps?

Apple wants to increase their on ramp to ten lanes and remove the traffic lights and people are arguing that isn't an issue?

Where does the traffic go if not down the very motorway my content is chugging along?

Maybe Apple iSP could be a solution to adding some more lanes to the motorway and off ramps?

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No such luck: Apple, Samsung say peace talks are off – way off

Rol
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Not Cool

I wonder how much a smartphone would cost without the litigation mark-up?

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Pure Storage sets out stall: We want to rule the storage world

Rol
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By and by

1.. Buy all your competitors.

2.. Buy all new players

3.. Seek legislation making it illegal to compete with you, (Buy enough politicians)

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Gigabyte Brix Pro: You don't need no steenkin' Xbox... when you have 4K-ing amazing graphics

Rol
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Re: £550 barebones?

Build yourself a Midi tower PC, for a lot less.

This would give you greater upgrading options and superior cooling that would run quiet if that is your goal.

Then spend the money you save on upsizing your shoebox to a shack, so you might get the extra square foot of space to squander on your new gaming rig.

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Virgin Media sales are a bit flat under the Cable Cowboy's reign

Rol
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Re: Nothing to do with the quality of their customer service?

Agree. I would need to die and be reincarnated several times before I forget the appalling dishonesty and downright offensiveness I have been shown by some of Virgin's staff.

However, the same brush of bile covers BT and Sky, who along with Virgin have created a cabal of high priced players, who rely on deceit and doublespeak to entice normally wary citizens into their clutches.

I would dearly like to see the whole telecommunication network nationalised, because it is too important to be left in the hands of companies who time and again have proved themselves to be shameless liars, unrepentant cheats and devious free market subversives.

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Laser deflector shields possible with today's tech – but there's one small problem

Rol
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Alternatively a thin coat of wax and a keen karate student to wax on and wax off, will also defeat evil laser wielding sharks.

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Stephen Hawking: The creation of true AI could be the 'greatest event in human history'

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Re: FFS

Apparently the colossal works churned out by this man, were in fact a collaboration between Stephen Hawking, Stephen Hawkin and Stephen Hawkins, and they'll be telling us it's just a coincidence.

I suspect the teacher had the class sit in alphabetical order and they copied off each other at the exam.

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Rol
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Still using humans?

"The model AI 1000 can outperform humans by any measure and have no morals to cloud their judgement"

"Mmm, you are right, I'll take two for now"

"Wise choice sir, that'll be 20 million bit coins and 5000 a month for the service contract"

"Err, on second thoughts I'll stick with David Cameron and his sidekick for now, they're far cheaper and just as easy to control"

"As you wish Lord Sith, but please take my card, you never know"

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SpaceX wins court injunction to block US Air Force buying Russian rockets

Rol
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Let's not forget

If the Russian company is busy building rocket equipment for the US then their capacity to do it for someone else is severely limited.

It might not be written into the agreement, but I'd bet beer the engineering company has been made fully aware of who is on America's naughty list and how quickly the relationship will turn sour if they so much as nod in the wrong direction.

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Boffins build billion-synapse, three-watt 'brain'

Rol
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Re: As a matter of interest ....

But once yo have a mature silicon brain, it can be replicated again and again with very little effort, unlike the hit and miss affair carbon life forms go through.

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Cash slump a Seagate problem, or a hard disk industry problem?

Rol
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add to that

The recession, that has stifled demand and limited business investment.

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Hey cloud providers, HP wants your server biz back: Here's one we made earlier in Far East

Rol
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Too risky by half

Understandable that American companies have little issue with using American hardware, as the data they look after, cannot be withheld from the state. The rest of the world however is trying to distance itself from American snooping and should consider American hardware to be an unnecessary security risk.

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Startup CEO Chahal fired for domestic violence incident

Rol
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If you're so innocent......

Why withhold vital evidence?

Laughably, only a few stories earlier, American courts are trying to seize evidence from another country without even the courtesy of asking them and I'm sure that will be admissible.

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US judge: Our digital search warrants apply ANYWHERE

Rol
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Re: inevitable

The article doesn't make it clear they are chasing domestic data in foreign lands. Indeed it comes across as chasing foreign data in foreign lands, without the decency to consider asking the foreign courts permission.

We really need to distance ourselves from this rogue states petulant behaviour and start to consider creating an international state, with its own regulations, to govern the whole worlds internet activity.

At present we have an international community governed by some 193 individual countries, all eager to suck up that data under any pretence with no arbiter in place to counter excessive or unjustified intrusion.

Once your data is travelling along the wires, it should come under the sole jurisdiction of an International body, that can demand individual nations conform to data protection rules under penalty of being dos'd into oblivion.

For now, it seems, manoeuvring your data away from American companies is all you can do.

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A scanner, darkly: Master data-miner Google tweaks terms of service

Rol
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Option to prevent porn adverts please.

So, I spent last night investigating the female form in all its glory and today trying to explain away the explicit pornography framing my innocuous searches.

Well, not really, I have NoScript running and Google is on the naughty list along with all the other "services" that seek to understand my needs to better serve me.

Don't get me wrong, I don't ban adverts, as I appreciate the symbiotic relationship they have in allowing me "free" access to many services such as The Reg. I just don't like having last nights meal regurgitated, served up as an appetiser and announced to the world that I eat dog meat with semen sauce when I actually ordered a lamb kebab with garlic mayonnaise.

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Apple cooperating at last on antitrust after MONTHS of wrangling – says court watchdog

Rol
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No APP for that?

Aptitude for compliance that is.

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Discovery time for 200m WONDER MATERIALS shaved from 4 MILLENNIA... to 4 years

Rol
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I was under the impression materials science had stepped out of the foundry and into computer modelling. In the way Dmitri Mendeleev managed to accurately predict the properties of yet to be discovered elements way back in 1875, I would have thought our ability to combine elements and molecules in a computer model and assess their qualities would be here by now. Obviously I am wrong, but what on Earth have these muppets been up to for the last century, if they haven't come to some defining conclusion about how matter interferes with each other and coded that into a ZX Spectrum.

Massively impressed by their engineering skills, but come on, let's get all 21st century on this one.

I throw down my gauntlet and challenge the scientific community to get their act together and come up with a program that allows me to enter a list of properties that I desire in a material and it churns out a list of credible molecular combinations that meet that specification. I guess this will need the power of quantum computing, but for Christ's sake get a move on will you, the Earth is being consumed to make substandard inefficient crap and we desperately need an intelligent way forward.

I'll buy the winner a beer.

P.S. After I buy AC one for beating me to it. I shouldn't have had a coffee break.

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VAT's all folks: Telecoms and services tax to be set at consumer's homeland rate

Rol
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Next year, I will mostly be living in Luxembourg

Well, not me personally, but my IP address will from time to time, at those most convenient moments in a purchase, move to a more preferable geo-location for VAT purposes.

Assuming I have the same rights as a big corporate like Google, then I am just avoiding tax, not evading it.

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Today: Get REAL about data location in the cloud

Rol
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Safe?

Dear Customer

We are sorry to have to advise you that our company is now in the hands of appointed receivers.

While you have been denied access to your data, I can assure you our receivers have safeguarded your account and will process your request to have it returned or transferred to another provider in accordance with the international guidelines on dragging our heels to maximise the pain.

I'd like to add, it is comments like this that have made the sheeple think twice about trusting the cloud and so we have fallen far short of the two billion customers we budgeted for and thus gotten into this financial difficulty, which clearly has nothing to do with our unrealistic projections and more to do with the mud slingers who would nit pick through the concept of cloud storage and hold it up as a disaster waiting to happen.

Your sincerely

Mr Cuckoo

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