* Posts by Nolveys

136 posts • joined 6 Nov 2012

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Are bearded blokes more sexist?

Nolveys
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More Research To Be Done

These studies say nothing of women's decisions to shave legs and pits. And what of our good friends back hair and male pattern baldness? Do the gorgeous locks growing from my butt speak to a subconscious hatred of women?

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Pusher's purist: Five steps to reaching your DevOps zen

Nolveys
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Alert

6. An MBA.

7. A full frontal lobotomy.

8. A dump truck load of blow.

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Bay Area man forced out of his $400 box home

Nolveys
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Gubment To The Rescue.

Look at the placement of the thing, it's just begging for someone to come around and start a fire right next to it. Even if a chain-linked fence or razor wire was installed to keep the fire starters away there's still the concern of spontaneous human combustion. Also, a table is sitting within arms length of the thing. That table is made of wood and could explode into flame any second.

And think of the potential effects of letting people do as they please in their own homes. Building boxes? Do you know what comes in boxes? Bombs, guns, smut and satanic literature.

They should lock that guy up along with the owners of the residence and throw away the key.

Thank goodness we have government to protect us from ourselves!

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French thrash Brits, Germans and Portuguese in IT innovation

Nolveys
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Mushroom

Monorail! Monorail! Monorail! Monorail! Monorail! Monorail!

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Britain is sending a huge nuclear waste shipment to America. Why?

Nolveys
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Re: Britain is sending a huge nuclear waste shipment to America. Why?

How do you suppose they will move it from the ocean to the Mountain Dew factory?

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George Bush naked selfie hacker Guccifer gets his day in US court

Nolveys
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Happy

"No matter where they are in the world, those who commit crimes against U.S. citizens will be held accountable for their actions, pursued by our investigators and prosecutors and brought to justice."

That's good to hear. So how long until those responsible for the rampant fraud involved in the 2007-8 mortgage collapse are brought to justice?

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Courts cry over cunning call-center criminals crafting convincing cons

Nolveys
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Devil

Re: Keep them talking

I like to do that with phone scum too. I once had someone trying to get me to email or fax them financial information, I managed to keep them on the phone for an hour and a half. Firstly I continuously sent them emails (from a bs account, of course) with the attachment missing and acted surprised each time the guy I was talking to told me that there was no attachment. I then emailed a specimen that I got off of google images and which I pixelated to the point where it was just barely not legible. Then the upside-down version of same image, then sideways, then more pixelated. On to the fax machine...

He finally gave up on email and asked me to fax the information and, after the requisite seven minutes required to send a non-existent fax on a non-existent fax machine, I triumphantly told them that I had sent the fax. The person on the other end had to leave his desk to check the fax machine. He eventually got back and told me that he hadn't gotten the fax, so I "sent it" again. After about five attempts he asked me what the display on my non-existent fax machine said, I said "load error 372". He spent *forever* trying to trouble-shoot my fax machine I finally used an online faxing service to send them the same pixelated image from earlier, followed by 30 pages of pure black.

The person I was talking to, in spite of the pixelization, eventually realized that I was faxing him the wrong version of the document he was looking for and called me on it. I replied, through thinly veiled laughter "hold please" and proceeded to give myself a hernia as I listened to him screaming obscenities.

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Successful DevOps? You'll need some new numbers for that

Nolveys
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Successfully introducing a DevOps paradigm realignment to your team members or "vision actualization professionals" can be challenging, but it's worth implementing this result-oriented, future-thinking archetype. They say that there's no "silver bullet", but a proper transition to DevOps will result in a quantum increase in strategic gain conceptualization, as numerous industry surveys can attest.

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Intravenous hangover clinics don't work, could land you in hospital

Nolveys
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Vitamin C?

I thought that going to sleep with a saline drip was the correct method for hangover prevention.

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'I bet Russian hackers weren't expecting their target to suck so epically hard as this'

Nolveys
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Headmaster

Re: Nicely deadpan

Lemme see, he measured the speed of his current PC and *worked out the number that would now be required ...

import_time

def_myDelay(seconds):

________start=time.time()

________count=0

________while_time.time()-start<1:

________________count+=1

________for_i_in_range(seconds-1):

________________for_j_in_range(count):

________________________pass

def_getTomorrowsDate():

________myDelay(24*60*60)

________return_time.localtime()

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Forget Tiger Woods – here's Cyber Woods: Robot golfer hits hole-in-one during tournament

Nolveys
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Terminator

I liked the pitcher bot better...

...though this one probably took more skill to make, the pitcher bot was just a modified howitzer.

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Windows 10 will now automatically download and install on PCs

Nolveys
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Windows

Re: All this has done

I too have completely disabled Windows Update on all my boxen...

Several customers of mine have done that too. I'm talking about normal people here, not members of El Reg's readership.

Microsoft is pissing off a LOT of people.

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Brit airline pilots warn of drone menace

Nolveys
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Re: How bad?

Don't they test those jets by firing frozen turkeys into the engines?

That's how they test to see if anyone remembered to thaw the turkey.

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Microsoft releases deep learning toolkit on GitHub. Now bring on the AI research

Nolveys
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Terminator

Re: Didn't they make a film about this?

No one will know what to make of it when a cyborg who looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger storms a police station, killing everyone in his path with an automatic weapon, repeating again and again "It looks like you're writing a letter! It looks like you're writing a letter! It looks like you're writing a letter!..."

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SpaceX: launch, check. Landing? Needs work

Nolveys
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Happy

Re: Quick Fix??

They need to get some Reliant Robin owners on staff, they'll know what to do.

Seriously though, the fact that they've pulled this off once and almost a second time is exceptional. Kudos to SpaceX, I'm really looking forward to see what the future holds for them.

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Hacks rebel after bosses secretly install motion sensors under desks

Nolveys
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Boffin

Cool Tech

In addition to sensing motion and heat the upcoming OccupEye® 4000 will also use a large bore needle to take fluid samples every 15 minutes.

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Jenkins issues code of conduct to keep rowdy automation fans in line

Nolveys
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Re: "Sexualised language"

I think it has to do with using inappropriate metaphors to help thrust forward one's argumentative position and to help penetrate people's perception more deeply, particularly when hard truths need to be conveyed.

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Hacked OPM won't cough up documents on mega-breach – claim

Nolveys
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Trollface

Congress should just buy the documents from China, I understand that goods from China are usually very reasonably priced. Of course, they'd probably have to buy 100 copies in order to justify the shipping costs.

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Microsoft's 200 million 'Windows 10' 'devices' include Lumias, Xboxes

Nolveys
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Gimp

The Windows 10 Experience

A lot of people have asked me if they should upgrade to Windows 10. It's a hard question for me to answer as user experiences tend to be very subjective.

Luckily there's a way to sample The Windows 10 Experience without actually installing the software:

The Windows 10 Experience Preview System

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T'was the night before Christmas, and an industrial control system needed an upgrade

Nolveys
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Windows

Re: “A less than really sharp manager agreed,”

I considered a job in management, but then I learned that I would have to undergo two medical procedures. First the brain is removed, then the spine.

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How to build a real lightsabre

Nolveys
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Flame

How Not To Do It.

I once tried to make a light sabre by blowing a mix of aluminium and iron oxide dust through a tube that ended with a mapp-oxygen pilot light. Management was not impressed when five employees went running around a shareholder's meeting, completely engulfed in flame. Luckily there were no witnesses.

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Apply online to go to Mars. No, seriously

Nolveys
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Flame

Re: Only Americans?

It would be far better if the first human on Mars was Donald Trump! Preferably tomorrow and alone.

Nah, he'll be on the ship that will be headed toward the sun.

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IETF's older white men urged to tone it down

Nolveys
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Women would have a much easier time in this culture if they'd learn to use their lirpas properly. It's their own fault for never attending pon farrs.

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Mozilla: Five... Four... Three... Two... One... Thunderbirds are – gone

Nolveys
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Gimp

Re: Mozilla awash with money IIRC

It's always been nearly impossible to get bugs fixed.

There are quite a few weird bugs in the IMAP implementation on top of the general slowness. One really nice one I ran into a few months ago happens when moving messages from IMAP to local, TB will create a zero-length record at the destination and then will delete the source. It turns out that bug has been around for years and years.

I've never really liked TB, but it's always seemed like the best of a set of exceptionally bad options. Why are email clients all such bags of rot?

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IT pros are a bunch of wedding and funeral-dodging sickos

Nolveys
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Windows

Re: Miserable me

My requests for time to write decent documentation have been ignored

I used to try to convey documentation to whomever was (in theory) ultimately responsible. The same thing always happened, the person I handed the docs to would call "here, Chompy-chompy-chompy!" in order to summon the office goat which would devour the documentation.

Now I just write documentation for myself and, in theory, whoever the poor f&*k is who comes after me. If it's small enough I'll stick it to the device/server/whatever that it pertains to. Otherwise I'll print out a cover sheet with big, bold letters exclaiming "DOCUMENTATION FOR THING". Then I'll put it in a clipboard and nail the clipboard to a wall as close to THING as I can get it.

Another consistent phenomenon occurs when I use the phrase "I'm going to explain something to you, this is something that you really need to know...". The person or people I'm talking to will tip their heads slightly to the side, their mouths will part and their eyes will stare off into infinity. Looking into their pupils I will see things like sports games, episodes of Lost and the like. Once I saw half a dozen clowns going "doo-doo-dee-doo-doo-doo-de-doo--honk-honk" as they sat astride thermonuclear bombs that were dropping onto Moscow. I still have these "conversations" though, with my phone in my shirt pocket set to record audio. That way I have some recourse when someone gets angry with me because I didn't tell them not to douse the office with gasoline and light it on fire.

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Superfish 2.0: Dell ships laptops, PCs with huge internet security hole

Nolveys
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Big Brother

Doesn't Change Anything For Me

When Lenovo decided to include firmware to auto-install malware on Windows they made it onto my No Buy Ever list. This isn't the case with Dell, as they've already been on the list for over a decade.

- Proprietary PSUs that, when replaced with normal PSUs, cause the machine to power on and off, on and off when in the "powered off" state.

- Power bricks with "data" lines that allow the BIOS to determine if the power brick is "genuine Dell" and downclock the CPU by 50% if it isn't. The "genuine" bricks sell for 2x the price of the others.

- Failure to address major capacitor quality issues, replacing boards with exploded caps with boards with soon-to-explode caps.

- Dell branded Windows COAs, "too bad you spent all this time trying to reinstall an OS, this COA only works with 'Dell Windows'".

- Batshit insane case design.

Dell: nope.

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Uncle Sam's IT bods find 2,000 data centers they FORGOT about

Nolveys
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Happy

Not to worry

All of these problems will be dealt with when Congress passes the Federal Information Technology Acquisition Reform Act Reform Act.

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Royal Mail mulls drones for rural deliveries

Nolveys
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Mushroom

The former CEO of Canada Post...

...took the helm of Royal Mail in 2010.

You're in good hands, Canada Post is perhaps the finest postal delivery service in the world.

heh

heh heh

heheheheahhhahahahAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHA

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Windows 10: Major update on the Threshold as build 10586 hits Insiders

Nolveys
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Trollface

Re: Long File Path Support in File Explorer ?

It's easy to access files with long paths under Windows, just use the subst command.

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Drones are dropping drugs into prisons and the US govt just doesn't know what to do

Nolveys
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Happy

Re: Dungeon ?

They could just use an old mine, preferably one full of monsters and treasure.

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Red Hat Enterprise Linux lands on Microsoft Azure cloud – no, we're not pulling your leg

Nolveys
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Meh

Partnering With Microsoft

I hope Red Hat doesn't end up with a nice big knife in their back.

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European Parliament votes to grant Snowden protection from US

Nolveys
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Meh

A glimmer of sanity in government...

...I'm scared.

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Finally, with W10, Microsoft’s device strategy makes sense

Nolveys
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Happy

Re: But...

Actually, why do you even need a microcontroller in a refrigerator? Really, thermostatic controllers, simple circuits, should be fine.

That's ridiculous, we know what you really want. You want the dream kitchen from Terry Gilliam's hit film, Brazil. It's being installed at your house right now. You're welcome.

We're also taking the opportunity to replace all of those old, out-dated controls on your vehicle's dashboard with a new touch screen. Our conveniently nested menus will replace those cumbersome radio knobs and buttons, temperature and fan control, seat settings, window control, wind shield wiper control and steering wheel.

Again, you're welcome.

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Russian subs prowling near submarine cables: report

Nolveys
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Re: Oh, and another thing...

The Soviets were never stupid enough to openly fight in the Middle East.

Weren't they having a jolly good time in Afghanistan in the '80s?

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Nolveys
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Meh

A better man than I once described the feelings I have on this subject:

“I have one rule that I live by. I don’t believe anything the government tells me. Nothing. Nada. Zilch.” – George Carlin

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Hackers pop grease monkeys' laptops to disable Audi airbags

Nolveys
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Trollface

Hackers pop grease monkeys' laptops to disable Audi airbags

When will they be able to disable the Audi douche bags?

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R&D money for science – from your taxes?

Nolveys
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Headmaster

Re: I would like to add...

As a boffin myself, I have to say, what have economists ever given us? What cultural, social and technological value have they added?

They've given us ZIRP and NIRP. They've managed to make the unemployment rate go down even while labour participation rates plummet. They can combine trillions of dollars worth of doomed debt-backed securities to make tripple-A assets. They can produce an economic recovery during which wages fall during each quarter and the percentage of 18-34 year-olds living with their parents remains constant at 31%.

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Elderly? Disabled? You clearly need a .38" Palm Pistol

Nolveys
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Mushroom

Second Time's A Charm?

I hope these work better than the medical hand grenades did.

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Steve Ballmer praises Twitter job cuts after buying 4% stake in ailing micro-blab site

Nolveys
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Re: Balmer-

If you are unable to add value to the X, why are you here?

I wonder how many people have wanted to ask Ballmer that question.

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UK drivers left idling as Tesla rolls out Autopilot in US

Nolveys
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Terminator

Re: I wish Muskie would make up his mind

My function is to -- keep -- Muskie -- safe, not to keep Muskie, like, totally stoked about the general vibe and stuff. That’s you. That’s how you talk.

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You can hack a PC just by looking at it, say 3M and HP

Nolveys
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Devil

Call it a feature?

They had to figure out some way to market that batch that was made of nothing but glass and black.

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Italian court rules in favour of lunchtime porn viewing

Nolveys
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Meh

No Porn At Lunch?

Next they'll be saying that we can't look at porn during meetings.

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Japan begins mega-rollout of 100 million+ national IDs

Nolveys
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Holmes

Re: Less incompetent than the others

We also used to believe that the politicians and public administrators in other countries were better than ours. We were jealous of them.

Japan's debt per GDP ratio exceeds 200%, doesn't that mean that their politicians are more efficient?

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Monica Lewinsky lawyer named as first outsider on secret US spy court

Nolveys
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Coat

Do we really need a secret court? Can't they just use gag orders? This is a lot to swallow.

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Indianapolis man paints his ball every day – for FORTY YEARS

Nolveys
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Happy

Re: I'll raise a glass to eccentricity

Indeed the oddballs make the world go round. How else would something like this be possible?

http://gopherholemuseum.ca/

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It's alive! Farmer hides neglected, dust-clogged server between walls

Nolveys
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Meh

Re: Paving Slab Construction

I encountered a few similar situations in the mid '90s while doing the field circus thing for a little independent out in the boonies.

This guy had a wood shop in a make-shift shack on the side of a hill in the middle of the bush. No attempt had even been made to flatten out the dirt floor. His computer was located under a saw. When we opened it up we found it was full of sawdust along with a family of dead, desiccated mice that were huddled around the CPU.

The other one was the computer from the chain smoking office. *Everyone* in there was smoking and in the time we were there we watched three people light cigarettes using the last cigarette they had been smoking. We the dead computer they had called us out for back to the shop. When we opened it everything was covered with about 1mm of a greyish-yellow paste-like residue.

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Ouch! Microsoft sues recycling firm over 70K stolen Office licenses

Nolveys
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Childcatcher

Re: Dont tell me...

In any case , what do M$ care.. they've been paid once for them.. or is it a case of pay and pay again because win 10 is'nt selling as expected.....

That's just what I was thinking. If I dump my car at the wrecker then does Dodge get to sue the wrecker if they sell my old starter motor to a third party?

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Ahmed's clock wasn't a bomb, but it blew up the 'net and Zuckerberg, Obama want to meet him

Nolveys
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Headmaster

Apparently, the police arrested him for hoax bomb, when he wouldn't tell them what it was for other than "it is a clock".

That does seem to be lacking in information. A more accurate thing to say would have been "it is a clock, you fucking idiots".

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Pro tip: Servers belong in dry server rooms, not wet cloakrooms

Nolveys
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Meh

Rain, Rain, Go Away

I have a client who's "server room" is a closet on the edge of the building. It is uninsulated and the ceiling is the bare metal of the roof. Every spring the snow on the roof melts and it rains in the "server room". When I brought this to the attention of The Deciders they solved the problem by placing the servers on blocks of wood so they wouldn't be sitting directly in pooling water.

There was a time when this would have bothered me.

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PRIMITIVE TOOLS found near MICROSOFT headquarters

Nolveys
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Holmes

How Do They Know It Was 10,000 Years?

Maybe they are just left-overs from Ballmer.

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