96 posts • joined 4 Sep 2012
All it needs to complete the transformation is a device that kicks Ballmers arse everytime a tile is pressed with an audio that states "about time we had a decent upgrade, sod off and enjoy your shares"
No offense intended, prices of shares can down as well as up, always consult an independant financial consultant. No Ballmers were hurt during the making of this comment
How to gauge BT
Take a look at their Facebook PR. Backfires every time with lots of customers moaning about service. Sums it up really.
May I suggest some additional tests?
Before they send out the grads into the big wide world.
Q1 - your customer has a faulty line and their premises are open every day of the week except Tuesday. Which day should the engineer not attend because no one will be there?
Q2 - you continue to bill a customer two years after they request the circuit to be ceased. You finally realise your mistake and send the customer a cheque. Do you a) write the correct payee on the cheque or b) the incorrect payee?
Q3 - You tell prospective customers they cannot get Superfast fibre optic broadband even though they already have it. How do you win back the situation?
Q4 - you can't install a line as the postcode given doesn't exist. Even though you already have lines in the building. How do you win back the situation?
Q5 - in order to run new fibre into a building you require a permission to dig form to be signed by the customer. Do you a) email the form blank and expect the customer to guess the details or b) email the form blank so the customer fills it out incorrectly then blame the customer for the delay to the project?
Q6 - you have local planners that know the local network inside out. Do you a) keep them in their role or b) lay them off and centralise the service so the nearest planner works 150 miles away?
Q7 - you employ engineers with years of experience who have good working relationships with their customer base. Do you a) keep them or b) let them go and get inexperienced straight out of college engineers to replace them (not forgetting to train them to sell)
There maybe more but this'll do to start. Anyone care to add?
Who made the battery?
The vast majority of radio controlled models use Lipos these days (lithium polymer for those not in the know). Perhaps he's appearing in court because he used the same brand Boeing uses.
Was the test flight in the UK?
Just wondering as it would confirm the couple of instances where a low flying jet aircraft passed over our house late at night with no discernible lights or markings to identify it. And we're not on any commercial flightpath or known military one.
Unless Domino's deliver by jet now?
Angry Birds Robocop edition
"You have fifteen seconds to comply" while I try and complete this fiendishly difficult level.
They all come with a robotic arm
So they can pay the Dartford crossing
Phew that's close
So I can still surf stark bollock naked as long as I don't talk or sing. Would it pick up my farting?
You are the weakest link goodbye
One user I recently visited had their password on a post it note on the monitor. Another had their password behind the adjustable screen on their desk phone.
Then there was the time I watched a lady in the shop queue pay by card, cover her hand when entering the pin, whilst mouthing the digits.
I have decided to change my username and password as admin and password1 may no longer be secure.
Wonder if the engineer's spreadsheet was saved in the cloud?
Can't afford it
But managed to find this:-
Has room for multiple hard drives and enough memory to goto Mars and back.
And it's a hell of a lot cheaper.
I will therefore
Buy tinned artichokes, hire a butler and cook, and get them to take the risk.
Global worming not to blame
Someone's been secretly eradicating cows I reckon. Or perhaps they've fabricated a breed with one stomach.
Humans distrusting humans
Been happening since the year dot. These days it's mixed in with power and control and nasty weapons that can end the planet. But essentially there's nothing we can say or do that will change it. And on that note:-
"Happy New year to everyone at the NSA and GCHQ"
There you go. Didn't have to email them.
The Golden era
Looks like a remote control that can add. I wonder what Sir Clive is up to these days?
But in an office move
You'll be able to roll it to your new desk without picking it up. Assuming you've not been laid off of course.
Bought some printer paper there recently
And got a three year extended warranty for only £7.99 a month!
Covers accidental damage, bad spilling and grimmer, and if the product fails at all they'll replace it like for like.
It will be known as
Windows toolate point 2
Re: You cant
And the lift still doesn't work.
Re: Genius Bar
I beg to differ. I and several of my work colleagues partake in a veritable drink up known as 'the only one club'. Whenever this weekly event takes place after several alcoholic beverages we become the 'genius bar'. There's nuffin wot we don't know. All the worlds problems solved in an evening - we were even first with the 'holding it wrong' motto*
*Maybe inaccurate due to alcohol induced memory loss.
Corporate sponsorship is the key
Think of the business opportunities this could bring. Launch projectile, switch on camera, fly along local foreign High Street, see which businesses aren't there, and hey presto within a couple of months 58 coffee shops, fast food restaurants, and bookies all plying their trade. Not forgetting the £ shops (sorry that should be $ shops).
And on the way back it could check for expired tax discs and illegally parked vehicles.
I'm always positive me
I can't fault them. I like phoning India for tech support. I like it when my billing enquiry is passed to the Phillipines. I like the online ordering portal - especially where I tell it my office is closed Tuesday but they send an engineer anyway. I like the way refunds are held and not paid to me. I like the way they let go their skilled engineers. Their account managers are great. Always trying to sell me more services when the existing ones are awful.
Long live BT!
I may have a fake copy
I reckon I have. My desktop has been replaced with squares and rectangles and I have no start button. Not only that but I have two copies of Internet explorer. My previous copy I could find everything easily.
You though the great British sitcom was long dead?
It's still alive and well and is called BT. Every time I deal with them I laugh.
How can you lot be so negative?
I have one on each arm. Both told me my phone was out of range so I walked closer. Then they told me my phone was flat. Then they mentioned the washing machine had finished.
Can anyone tell me the time and date please I have an appointment with my therapist?
Hope you're a good throw
Well officer I threw it and then it was stolen.
Police are looking for a thief with an oval head and bulbous eyes courtesy of the apogee....
It's ok it's been thought through
Drivers will be asked to slow down to enable faster speeds. Passengers will be allowed to change seats if the signals stronger on the other side of the carriage. A special tech support number in India will be setup. BT will get the contract funded by local councils in an entirely fair procurement and will of course match any funding.
'Customers' will heap praise on the new 'super fast train super not so fast broadband'
As for which areas it will be deployed - any where commuters don't stand in the rush hour.
"They're holding it wrong"
I've spent millions on my own research
Out of the various ecosystems tested none are intuitive when the battery's flat.
When fully charged I was unable to dial out on any of them due to not having a small enough pin to open the sim tray and place a sim in.
I couldn't work out how to track 3d printed rockets on any of them.
When typing spilling chucker none corrected.
I was unable to download one particular os due to sheer volume of downloads.
I was unable to download one particular os due to it being fragmented and not available.
Another was unavailable due to the company not supporting it's hardware anymore.
I spent a whole year finding apps on one due to the sheer size.
I spent 6 minutes on another due to no apps available.
Call quality was rubbish on all due to me living in a lead lined cave.
My research paper isn't available as I have no Internet.
Typed on my psion organiser II. Please can I have a qwerty keyboard for Xmas?
Some useful tips when dealing with BT.
Where I live and work we have no choice other than BT. So here's what I've learnt....
1. Adopt a zen like state. Nothing will bother you then when they get it wrong.
2. When ordering any product give them minimum instruction. Less for them to get wrong.
3. Never attempt an urgent install. They'll treble the lead time and fail to turn up.
4. Always plan for the worst. Any improvement is a bonus.
5. Item 2. Never tell them the day you're closed as they'll turn up then.
6. When dealing with Mumbai or the Phillipines say you can't hear them - they'll transfer you back to the UK.
7. Email them jobs CC your managers in. That way you won't be sacked when nothing gets done.
8. The person that designed their back office has a tiny todger. It's his way of letting you feel his pain.
Re: I don't recall
Several model flying colleagues have lost models using Spektrum 1st generation radio gear - mostly on Lipo powered brushless craft. It may point to the rumoured brownouts. I've always flown with Futaba although I currently operate a quadrocopter using Spektrum.
I don't recall
Seeing many flame wars regarding your aeronautical projects.
Which is a shame as I'm used to seeing fervant comments relating to all things smart phone on el reg.
Which leads me onto why you chose Futaba?
Or it could be
I know I watch TV. Do you watch TV?
I reckon it's because
Linux format had a copy of TAILs as their cover DVD at the beginning of the month. Not that I read it as I prefer Tractor fondling monthly (available at all good newsagents and still without a brown cover)
Re: Macs are "so expensive" - not.
Are you saying I'm dumb? I spent a fortune on an apple mouse with no buttons
Re: 128G storage
3 up votes and 5 down votes. Hmmm?
Alrighty then. The iphone is the best phone on planet Earth. Samsung are crap and deserve all the law suits they get.
I'll come back and check the up votes later.
Ta ta for now
Blimey I reckon a 24 month contract with be £1M a month to pay for that baby. I assume you can make calls on it?
I am planning on copying my wage slip and getting an instant pay rise.
Please oh please
Can they also use frequency ranges that interrupt terrestrial TV when Jedwood are broadcasting that would be great
The first thing he'll do is
Watch back on the shop floor like the Biffa episode last night. Where the Chief Exec was totally out of touch with working conditions, service, and customer expectations. Perhaps he'll bring back Buzby?
100% of work colleagues questioned with WP8 phones said they liked them - that's why they got one.
100% of work colleagues with iphones (not as many as there used to be) said they like them but couldn't fit all 28 billion apps available into a 16 Gig handset.
No one in the office commented about Blackberry as they're long gone - too many reboots.
The Android users were too busy setting up their S4's - it takes months apparently.
All of them make 10 minutes of calls a month and five texts for which they pay £35 a month over 25 years..
Meanwhile the operators continue to make staggering profits.
I am 125% sure i have o idea what I'm talking about.
I just want a phone that makes calls and is cheap.
If my phone breaks and the phone provider goers bust I will adhere to the following instructions:-
1) Remove giffgaff sim.
2) Put it in new unlocked phone
3) Make calls whilst reading the continuous flame wars as to whose phone is best on the register.
4) Wear a hat, retire to the garden, and serve chilled a nice pint of cider
Hidden oxygen feed is the key
Said Blighty's launch provided oxygen to the Playmanaut so he could launch his vehicle back to earth at the required height. Said Yanky naut was too busy eating has fries with cheese to notice a distinct lack of oxygen and therefore failed.
"Houston we have a problem"
"Eh up, champion, we don't. Put kettle on me throat's gasping"
Quick I must patent that
BT have Openreach engineers?
I thought they'd got rid of them all. Six weeks and still waiting a single direct exchange line to be installed. Perhaps their van's been towed away.....
Stop to think
The world is run by security agencies and covert departments we know very little about. All of them distrust each other. The politicians around the world are a sideshow that keep Joe Public focused on issues that affect them. We currently are living in austerity Britain where for the first time in years we're feeling financial pressure, a lack of job security, and a realisation that there is sod all we can do about it -alledgedly.
But that pales into insignificance as to what the security agencies know about us. We are watched, monitored and assessed 24/7/365. This is how "terrorists" are stopped in their tracks. How do you think they found Bin Laden? The same way they stopped various other plots around the world. Constant surveillance be it web, phone, or other types of intelligence.
Presidents and Prime ministers are there to make decisions. Decisions placed in front of them with "balanced" arguments that go in the agencies favour - that's why we had the Iraq war.
A self perpetuating machine of which we have no say. And the really spooky thing is that if any of us ever got into the world like Snowden did more than likely we would have followed orders and carried out the daily job without whistle blowing. He had a conscience whereas many don't.
Do Lockheed own Warranty Direct?
It's getting really boring now
Only one story on Apple suing in the last month? Are they slipping? Perhaps their lawyers are on holiday?
Has anyone told Sid?
How exactly do they calculate the amount of gas?
I know of one other location where there's 28 billion trillion cubic feet of gas exhaled pretty much every day - its called Westminster. I suspect many people would hope they "get fracked."
It'll bring the bills down? By the time they've drilled, tapped, and recovered the gas I hate to think how much our bills will be. George Osborne will be 125 years old before we're out of this austerity.
Off down the pub now to sulk over the price of beer.
I'm beginning to believe
David Ike might not be as mad after all. Apart from the bit about lizards.
Time saving tip
Get the NSA to run Facebook then we wouldn't have to bother telling everyone what we're up to. They'd do it for us.
"Target is brushing teeth"
"Target is getting ready for work whilst slagging off boss"
"Target is watching Spongebob - must be a communist"
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