* Posts by magickmark

186 posts • joined 3 Sep 2012

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Plastic fiver: 28 years' work, saves acres of cotton... may have killed less than ONE cow*

magickmark
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Trollface

Just a Troll living under a bridge with a comment to make

Just a couple of points to make from different conversations:

RE KITTENS

Personally I like to eat a nice pussy every now and then!

RE VEGANS AND TRACE AMOUNTS OF TALLOW

I would expect a lot of vegans are also followers of homeopathy (the two do seem to happen quite often hand in hand) so probably the smaller the amount the trace element (in this case tallow) the stronger the effect of that trace element. So have we just invented the homeopathic fiver?

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Tobacco giant predicts the end of smoking. Panic ensues

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Joke

Re: Paul Woodhouse I know what's next...

I would up vote that remark but I can't be arsed with that

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The future often starts as a toy, so don't shun toy VR this Christmas

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Paris Hilton

Re: small? more like miniscule

"I fail to see how the geometry works unless you find the headphone jack to be of sufficient diamet.... oh, you said flAshlight. Nevermind."

Ahh but I'm sure that somewhere out there, there is smartphone controlled device of sufficient diameter to encompass your every need!

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You want SaaS? Don't bother, darling, your kind can't afford it

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Devil

* Pro tip: choose or make up an obscure department that no-one ever has any business with. Statistics or internal auditing is good.

Wow that exactly what I was going to say and what I actually do! I actually am a 'civil servant' now and work in an obscure department (R&D and Innovation) and my job does include an element of statistical analysis and auditing data so I normally waffle on about this aspect of my job (ignoring anything interesting or useful) until people move away.

I learnt along time ago to never tell people I was an IT Consultant or else I ended up being expected to solve every bodies computer issues.

One trick I used to use when self employed was to keep business cards on me all the time and when anyone asked me an IT question in a social situation I'd whip out a card write a ridiculous hourly rate on the back and told them to call me in the morning.

This led of course to one of two situations, I never heard from them again or they called me and had to pay a slightly silly amount of money for help/advice. I was equally happy with either outcome.

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Space crap: Flap, zap or strap? $30k from NASA for your pooper scooper

magickmark
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Re: I always wondered how toilets worked in the Star Trek universe.

Adds a whole new meaning to the opening line "To boldly go where no man has gone before!"

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Reg man 0: Japanese electronic toilet 1

magickmark
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Re: You're doing it wrong

"Toilet technician? How does that rate against Telephone Sanitiser?"

Somewhere between a Management Consultant and a Hairdresser?

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Re: Sounds like...

That Bloody Stupid Johnson, err?

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Open sesame: Alibaba to open its first data centre in Europe

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Re: Cloudy Security?

Exactly the point I was trying to make :)

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magickmark
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Re: Cloudy Security?

Well I'm not an expert in this area but I'd assume being in Germany it would be subject to EU data protection laws? I'd further assume that's the reason they have chosen it as a location, to help customers feel more secure?

Not saying I'd trust them anymore than I would Amazon/Google/M$ seeing how they have to contend with the NSA.and the fact (as often reported here) of the apparent free flow of staff between the US Govmt and the US Tec industry.

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BT will HATE us for this one weird 5G trick

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Re: Well come to Norwich then...

Somehow I had a feeling you were talking about Norwich before I got to the bottom (the heading helped)!!!

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Re: @velv

"Replace"? You mean you have street lights already? Luxury!

<Northern Accent> <Hovis Music>

When I were a lad you had t' walk down street wi'h a match over your head, And if it were really dark you had to light it!

</Northern Accent> </Hovis Music>

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Re: Buzzword fail

Yes you did!!

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Analysts apply Occam's razor to Tesco Bank breach

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Re: Sounds horribly complicated

"...using leaves as currency. We'll just have to worry about highwaymen with pistols stopping the Mail Coach"

And also we need to worry about people burning down deciduous forests and not being able to afford peanuts.

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Pythons Idle and Cleese pen anti-selfie screed

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Well as someone once said "Always look on the bright side of life"

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A cardboard desk? I won’t stand for it (actually I will)

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Black Helicopters

" What happened to to good old rubber ducky?"

My understanding is that "rubber ducky" aka Donald "The Duck" Trump, is busy and about to take over the running of the free world. No problems there then!!

Rubber tits seem like a suitable substitution to me!!!

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Re: Cats 'n boxes.

Schrodinger

That is all.

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Paris Hilton

Standing Comments

I think that's the first time I've seen a box being unboxed!!

Not the most aesthetic of things is it?

Paris? Apparently she knows a few things about making erections.

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Celeb-backed music TV phallus Electric Jukebox finally ready for launch

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WTF?

WHY??

Huh!!

Amazon Fire TV stick = £32.99

Amazon Prime account = £79 (inc free next day delivery, Prime video content, Prime music content)

Electric Jukebox = £169 inc first year of account

Electric Jukebox = £52 there after a year (music only (assuming its still available in 12 months))

Anyone see a flaw in the business model or is it just me??

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Karhoo who? Uber challenger shuts down after burning through $250m

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FAIL

Never heard of them!

Maybe they should have been called "KarWho"?

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Twitterstorm erupts over suspected murder of record-breaking earthworm

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Earthworm Who?

I read this story and thought of this:

http://www.interplay.com/games/earthwormjim.php

Anyone else remember this 'Groovy' guy?

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Smart Meter rollout delayed again. Cost us £11bn, eh?

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Obligatory Douglas Adams quote

“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.” ― Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt

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Birmingham sperm bank pulls plug after just a handful of recruits

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Headmaster

Re: Sticky fingers

Or even creaming off the profits?

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magickmark
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Paris Hilton

Fap Fap

"In the UK, sperm donors are paid a set sum of £35 a visit" not exactly splashing out then!!

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What will happen when I'm too old to push? (buttons, that is)

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Paris Hilton

Re: Oh, Alistair...

@Bernard M. Orwell

Is that you Burser?

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Invasion of the virus-addled lightbulbs (and other banana stories)

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Unhappy

Is that you Marvin?

Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and they tell me to take you up to the bridge. Call that job satisfaction? Cause I don't.

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'Please label things so I can tell the difference between a mouse and a microphone'

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Unhappy

Re: Label you, label me, label us all together

@TRT "I'm not doing the old underwear labelled C&A joke."

Damn, I was going to until is saw your post!!

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WTF?

Re: Engineers!

So did he then complain that he could not find the "Any" key?

I use to train new IT users back in the day and I've actually had that happen to me!!!

Spoken instruction to class:

Me: Do [some task] then press any key

Inevitable User: Where's the "Any" key?

Me {thinks}: Now how do I respond without embarrassing [Inevitable User] in front of whole class?

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The wait is over: MoD releases latest issue of Ship Paint Monthly

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Coat

Gloss over it

What a magazine, sounds about as interesting as watching paint dry!!!

Sorry someone had to say it, I'll get my coat, mines the one with the stains on it

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Naked, drunken Swede assaults chicken shed after 60th birthday

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Coat

Clucking Hell!

Well this seems an appropriate response..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DGs6TDeXo8E

Mine's the one with the feathers in the pockets

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Apple iPhone 7 launch hysteria? Not in Viking land

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Trollface

Re: Maybe they own headphones...

"Screw Apple. Over the years, I've bought five of them. I can't see ever buying one that lacks a headphone socket. Arrogant wankers."

But obviously you are not listening to it correctly!!

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We live in a world where a 'Hamdog' burger hybrid is patented

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Windows

Dogburger

That is all...

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Indefatigable WikiBots keep Wikipedia battles going long after humans give up and go home

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Black Helicopters

I for one welcome our Wikipedia Bot Overlords..

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Two Sundays wrecked by boss who couldn't use a calendar

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Re: Thank Bibulous it's Friday - Wow Wow source?

Hey, Wonko, how are the dolphins? (bet you've not been asked that before? :D )

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Pint

Thank Bibulous it's Friday

"Thank Bibulous it's Friday, because I can write this and go home."

Oh God, maybe some Wow-Wow source will help so you'll be fit again for Monday?

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Dear sysadmin: This is how you stay relevant

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Re: Ummmm

"The truth is that most organisations today are IT organisations"

I think the point of the argument for the above quote is that most businesses may not be selling IT for its own sake but they are selling a service that would not be able to function without IT, effectively selling an IT service to facilitate the delivery* of their end product. None of the businesses you mention "retail, banking, logistics" could function without IT, just look what happens when a banks IT goes tits up.

* By delivery I mean the wider business sense of providing a product or service, unless you are a logistics company then your deliverable is a delivery of course!! And just try to manage that without IT!!

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Assange returns to Earth

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OH my GOD,, its full of Elephants!

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Of course you can orbit a flat earth! You just have to go under the big turtle!

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Self-stocking internet fridge faces a delivery come down

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Re: Sheer brilliance.

"I feel compelled to upgrade to an iPhone 7 simply to prevent myself from plugging my earphones into it in the first place."

Or you could just get one of these:

http://appleplugs.com/

And save yourself some cash of course

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A plumber with a blowtorch is the enemy of the data centre

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Coat

Jump Start

Yep, nothing like a good blow job on a cold morning to get your pipes working!

ICON: Mines the dirty one with no buttons!

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Phoney bling ring pinged by Tolkien's kin

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Re: That depends where and what part

Also and ePub and mobi versions here http://www.tenseg.net/press/lastringbearer

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Sysadmin sticks finger in pipe, saves data centre from flood

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Mushroom

Re: CROM

Wow - my first reply from a genuine bonafide El-Reg employee!

I think I need to go lie down for a while!!

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Pirate

CROM

"Thank Crom it's Friday! At the end of today you can get on with what is best in life,"

I plan to crush the weekend under my sandeled feet with no lamentation! And hopefully no electrical problems!!

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Bloody Dell! Is EMC going to drop its logo? Answers on a postcard to Brentford

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Coat

Dark times ahead?

Only time will tell!!

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What wedding cake would an engineer make? A LEGO one

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Brilliant

That is All

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Excel hell messes up ~20 per cent of genetic science papers

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Re: An easy fix ...

Wonderful, I think DNA has a quote somewhere for every thing (Life, the Universe and Everything, even?)

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magickmark
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Re: An easy fix ...

Agreed a valid point, have an up vote. I have made a comment a little further down about a similar problem I have with "True" and "False" logical values from some exported datasets I have to work with.

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Re: Pet peeve

I have a similar grumble, I regularly have to export datasets from an online application to use in Excel (in this case they are proper .xls formats at least) and there are a number of tick boxes that export as True or False but rather than being logical values they are exported as plain text. Not a big problem as I now expect it and have a routine worked out but still a PITA having to go through and convert them all.

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Headmaster

An easy fix ...

Another simple solution is to just type an apostrophe ' in front i.e. 'SEP2 this will force Excel to read it as text. This is a hang over from Lotus123 that still works. Some of the data I have to work with has the same problem and this is the solution I use.

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My headset is reading my mind and talking behind my back

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Re: Sunglasses After Dark

Ahh but they really look sharp!

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Boffin

Sunglasses After Dark

"To this day, I fail to comprehend how anyone could be convinced that wearing sunglasses after dark helps you see better. All it does is make you look cool, as already famously demonstrated by the Blues Brothers a decade earlier."

Actually, Dabbsy, the problem was recorded a few decades earlier in 1958 as evidenced on YouTube here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S07rl68DMD8

Enjoy!!

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