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* Posts by Anomalous Cowshed

398 posts • joined 16 Aug 2012

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Too rich for an iPhone 6? How about a gold-plated Brikk?

Anomalous Cowshed
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the article fails to mention one advantage

If the phone gets brikked, it's no longer a fault, it's part of the design! Saves a lot of frustration, well worth paying a bit extra for. After all it's only pocket change.

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Indian techies-in-training face down MAN-EATING LEOPARD - and WIN

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Re: Fauna.

Someone once rang the bell at my house. I opened the door, looked around, there was nobody there. Then I looked down and saw the most massive slug on my doorstep. I was so shocked, I gave it an almighty kick that sent it flying all the way down the street.

One evening, 25 years later, I'd just come back from work, when there was another ring at the door. I opened it, and imagine my surprise when I saw...a huge, ancient and battered-looking slug, slithering on the doorstep.

It stared up at me and suddenly said reproachfully: "Why did you do that, mate?"

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Feel free to BONK on the TUBE, says Transport for London

Anomalous Cowshed
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what's all this about weekly capping?

What if you only use the tube, train or buses 2 or 3 days a week, but a lot. Are you going to get nailed for the cost of up to 2-3 travelcards each time? How will you be able to check? And how difficult will it be to get money back if you think they've overcharged you? And what about the fines if you forget to tap the card at one end of the journey, as can easily be the case at stations without barriers if you happen to be absentminded? Will they be capped too? Or are we going to have a ball, as with parking fines? The paper ticket insulates you against such worries, surely it's better just for that reason...

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Beancounters tell NASA it's too poor to fly planned mega-rocket

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Certain cuts will have to be made, say the bean counters

Bean counter final report (20000 pages). Ultra-summarised conclusions:

1. "Er, do we really need 7 crew members? Surely we could do with 6...what about 5? 4? I mean, it's the symbolic value that counts, right? It doesn't matter how many of them there are, at the end of the day. Let's say we settle for just 1 crew member, that should slice $ 200 million off the price".

2. "Now, 2 solid fuel boosters, that's expensive, mate, and also difficult to sort out, as you've seen. Let's assume we were to drop one of these troublesome boosters. That would slice another $100 million off the price. Isn't that cool?"

3. "Just imagine the savings if you were to remove that other annoying booster! But we'll get to that later."

4. "I hear you say: cutting the booster means we cannot afford to have any astronauts on board. Well, the fact that you've already agreed to remove 6 out of the originally planned 7 astronauts, means that quite clearly, that last one is not all that important after all. If you were to cut that last astronaut, it would merely be equivalent to 1/6th of the cuts that you operated before (see 1 above). What's the big deal? Cut the last astronaut, replace him with a robot arm and a camera, and you can slice $ 50 million off the shortfall."

5. "Having taken out the last astronaut, I'm sure you'll agree that according to your calculations, we can now run the rocket without any of the boosters. That means we can now take out the second solid fuel booster, saving a further $ 100 million!"

6. "We've now saved $ 450 million, which means we've covered the saving of the $ 400 million shortfall, and a small part of our fee. Now for the rest of our fee, we need to think outside the box, and brainstorm. Ready? Think about it for a moment. You ain't gonna have any astronauts on your rocket. So at the end of the day, you don't really need it - the rocket I mean. After all, there are other people out there, Russians, Indians, Chinamen, who have rockets of their own. You could ask them to lend you their rockets. Think how much you could save and how happy people would be, if you cancelled that rocket of yours outright, and replaced it by a nice corporate video explaining the savings you've made!"

7. "Well, we'll tell you how much you could save, because we've worked it out: you could save another $ 1 billion! That should enable you to meet our fees for the consultancy and accountancy work we've been doing for the past 5 years, culminating in this work. Absolutely spiffy, no?"

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Lawyer reviewing terror laws and special powers: Definition of 'terrorism' is too broad

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The definition of terrorism is too broad

I protest, the definition of terrorism is not broad enough.

Let us consider a few salient facets of the definition of terrorism:

Average person's definition of terrorism: an act committed by a nasty man, most often dark of skin, involving shooting or bombs, most often 'in the Middle East'. We are protected from terrorism by 'police', 'the security forces' and CCTV cameras.

Government definition of terrorism: Potentially any act committed by a terrorist, i.e. a member of the public. Acts of terrorism are to be repressed by passing laws rubber-stamped by what is known as a 'parliament'. They are to be repressed by 'police', 'the security forces' and CCTV cameras.

Press definition of terrorism: Any act committed by any person whom the government contends is a terrorist.

Terrorist* definition of terrorism: the government, acting through the 'police' and 'the security services'.

* Member of the public arrested by the 'police' or 'the security forces' or what-have-you, for committing whatever-it-may-be.

Drunken bastard's definition of terrorism, sitting dazed on the pavement outside a pub at 11:30pm on a Saturday night : "f*** off you c***!"

Taking all these definitions together:

Global definition of terrorism: anything done by anyone which you don't agree with. So f*** off you c***!

As you can see, there is room for an even wider definition of terrorism.

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GoTenna: How does this 'magic' work?

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Re: "... We are operating at the limits of physics,"...

... Professor Wagadogo of the University of Balaloosha grunted.

"Now look at this, youngsters!"

He pulled a tiny square box from his pocket. He pressed on one side of it, and a section of the box slid out, revealing row upon row of minute little sticks each topped with a reddish blob at the end. It was a matchbox. Some of the students in the audience had seen similar ones before, in the 20th century section of the Balaloosha District history museum.

Then Wagadogo pulled one of the matches and struck it against the box. A bright flame appeared at the end of the tiny stick, drawing muffled gasps of amazement from the lecture theatre.

"How does this magic happen? said Wagadogo, pushing away one particularly reckless and annoying student who was about to get his hand burnt. "Don't touch it you id...Brilliant Hope of the New Generation! We are at the very limits of Chemistry!"

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CAIDA to survey peers, colo sheds and ISPs for new map of internet

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Breaking news - CAIDA announces its new artificial intelligence system

University of California, July 21 2015

CAIDA today announced its new artificial intelligence system, christened "AI-CAIDA", which it is hoped will increase government and press awareness of and interest in this laudable initiative.

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The Sun took a day off last week and made NO sunspots

Anomalous Cowshed
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Ah incandescent lightbulbs!

In response to the foregoing commentard's mention of incandescent bulbs:

O lightbulb, incandescent !

Thou shining beacon

Lighting the many sleepless nights

of my misspent youth!

How I miss your brazen filament

Your faithful brightness

Your prompt response

Whenever I invoked thee!

No longer do men look

Upon your shining light

As a blessing in the dark

But as a blight upon the world

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Financial wizardess joins Apple board, air of coolness noticeably diminishes

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Re: "fruity fuhrer Tim Cook"

Cor that's both extreme and hilarious. But it also probably means 10 more years in the wilderness for The Register with no invitations to Apple press dos. Or as Mr. Cook might say, "If ve had our vey, zose inglish bastards vould spend zoze ten years in a konzentration kampf"

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NUDE SNAPS AGENCY: NSA bods love 'showing off your saucy selfies'

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Not a popular hypothesis, but what if...

A few years ago, I recall the US authorities issuing public warnings to US corporations and executives about the need for greater encryption, stronger passwords and more awareness of computer security in general.

I don't think their warnings were heeded much.

What if they realised that the problem was getting out of control, and decided to find a way to set it right?

It makes sense that given the universal prevalence of intellectual property, business secrets and connected computing devices, any cyber-espionage wars will be won or lost on the millions of computers, connected devices and networks in the USA, UK, France, Germany, etc. No one government agency can possibly counter all the possible threats, all the time.

So far we've been assuming that Mr. Snowden is a genuine whistleblower, who has somehow managed to escape the USA with masses of 'incriminating' documents, which sow terror in people's minds about the fact that big brother is watching them and listening to them all the time, collecting our personal data, reading our e-mails, listening to our phone calls...and now looking at and sharing our naked pictures. Whatever rocks our boat, really.

However, what if Mr. Snowden is just a plant by the US Government, precisely to sow fear into our minds and make us sufficiently concerned about the threat of cyber-surveillance and spying to encourage us to start paying more attention to computer security? In other words, to enlist us in this war?

After all, the net effect of the 'Snowden Affair' has been to make us more aware of these threats, and of the need to pay more attention to computer security...

It's just a possibility. Outside the reality distortion field of the media, I find it difficult to take this story at face value. It just doesn't smell right.

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Child diagnosed as allergic to iPad

Anomalous Cowshed
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Places that are bad for your skin

You complain about nickel being bad for people's skin? There are bigger problems out there. There are whole regions - even countries, that can get your body irritated.

For instance:

Russia gives me rashes

Greenwich makes me itch

Catarrh gives me...er, sorry mistake here

Please continue the list as my mind is a bit rusty this morning...

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MPs wave through Blighty's 'EMERGENCY' surveillance laws

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Slowly slowly, little by little...

Our governments are entrenching themselves further and further away from the people, using endless arrays of rules, coercive measures and repressive weapons to increase the chasm of power between individuals and the barely legitimate, increasingly bloated and nebulous organisations that purports to have the authority to govern them at will.

We are being increasingly encouraged to live our lives under permanent semi-voluntary surveillance (smartphones for convenience, Internet connections for work and entertainment, CCTV cameras "for our safety"). Does anyone wonder, nowadays, about the reason why governments are so keen to ensure that everyone has access to an Internet connection?

Meanwhile, the means of coercion and the weapons of repression are getting increasingly sophisticated. We are potentially monitored and tracked all the time. And if we step out of line, there are endless ways in which we can be controlled and repressed. Having read about the smart bullets with a range of 7 km and the drones and all the other repressive technology only available to the organised gangs in uniforms, you can imagine how difficult it would be to make a stand against them-for instance if they were to somehow change their attitude and decide to get a bit heavier with us, as we are told is the case in some so-called primitive dictatorships. If we were to suddenly have a rude awakening from the morass soporific consumerism and mind-addling entertainment in which we are mired, how far would we get trying to stand up to the system? How can the individual hold his own against "the boys in blue/green/grey/name it"?

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D-Wave to bust 1,000-qubit barrier with new quantum compute device

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Introducing the new homeopathy computer

A computer produced by immersing a top of the range processor in hydrogen fluoride acid for a year, then diluting the outcome 100 times, until there is no more evidence of the presence of a single molecule of silicon in the mix, then adding sugar and smacking the resulting mixture in the bowl three times very hard to make it "superconducting" and "clever".

This computer can solve any problem.

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Space geeks' resurrected NASA Sun probe ISEE-3 now on collision course with THE MOON

Anomalous Cowshed
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Old McDonald

Man, these Old McDonalds do certainly get up to all kinds of larks. One of them used to have a farm, with various animals, always one of each. That business plan clearly didn't scale much, since many, many years later, he was still known to be running the farm with the same number of animals, give or take the odd new one. Perhaps he should have tried running the place with 2 instead of just one animal of each species, preferably one male and one female...Who knows whether that would have worked. And yet, despite this lack of success, everybody has heard of him, he must be the most famous farmer in the English-speaking world. How do you explain that? Now, though, just as we had written off the entire clan of Old McDonalds, along comes another one and branches out unexpectedly into hosting spacecraft hackers. This has come as a bit of a surprise, but it looks like you cannot predict what an Old McDonald might do next. So...watch this space!

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Dubai to get HUGE climate-controlled DOMED CITY and giga-mall

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The indoor city will use environmental technology to reduce energy consumption and carbon emissions

This is like when they say: "We're building this massive skyscraper in London / Dubai / My Dong, and it is designed with environmentally friendly techniques approved by [insert name of highly respectable yet bogus smelling organisation] to dramatically cut its energy consumption" conveniently omitting that the construction and running of the thing will cause enormous expenditure of energy and environmental damage, which in most cases, but for the lining of the pockets of developers and their associates, could have been avoided.

As my respected cousin, Anonymous Coward, wrote a little higher, Dubai could really throw a trump card by producing masses of electricity / drinking water / hydrogen / what-have-you using the massive quantities of sunshine which they are blessed with. Or at least, build this indoor city to fleece the rich of this world but with solar panels all over it on heat insulation panels, with a narrow gaps between them to provide gentle sunlight below, so as not to waste the space or the energy. Now that would make sense.

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Five arrested over money-grubbing fake UK.gov shocker

Anomalous Cowshed
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"copycat websites con folks out of money for passports, driving tests and tax discs"

Today the police continued their round of arrests, nabbing one of the ringleaders. A Mr. D. Cameron of Downing Street, London, was arrested at his home. A police spokeswoman said that the suspected perpetrator was known to have a severe cat fetish, having previously been in trouble with the law for attempting to flog fake cat videos. "Just like drug users, who all start off smoking marijuana before graduating to hard drugs and crime, the perpetrator was soon sliding down a slippery slope towards attempting to launch copy cat web sites" said the spokeswoman, who added that she had no idea what had given him or previous offenders like him the idea of selling passports, driving tests and tax disks to members of the public.

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NASA stitches 3.2 gigapixel 'Global Selfie' mosaic

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Re: Well that explains the budget cuts

Oh Bollocks of dog! You see this in completely the wrong way.

Like Britain entering the post-industrial age, NASA is entering the 'post-rocketry' age.

Now that so many countries can fire rockets into space, it's no longer cool or interesting to try to do so any more. Nobody really cares, and there's a lot of Engineering involved, which is expensive and...mostly boring. Management, PR, social networking, outreach, are more the in-thing nowadays, and NASA's genius lies in how it is able to combine 'space' which, let's face it, is only of interest to a minority [of mostly weirdos], and cool PR / social networking, which has a far broader appeal. No other space agency comes close to NASA now in terms of media and PR, except perhaps the British Space Agency, which has always been the one to follow in this respect.

The benefit is lower costs, so everyone's a winner.

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550 reasons to buy this book for your beloved: COCKROACHES of Oz

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Cockroach anecdote

Once upon a time, I lived in a room in a hostel that attracted the odd cockroach. These were big, brown, flying beasts. I used to try to evacuate them from my room by opening a window and harassing them with a broom until they flew out.

Once, however, I returned from a night out to find a cockroach on the wall near my bed, and this cockroach, rather than fly out of the window, crawled under the bed. Now, the bed was a bit past its prime, with the result that the mattress was no longer supported by the grille above the floor, and had slumped down. So I could not try to get the cockroach out from beneath the bed and I was too tired to move the whole bed, and worried that it would fall to pieces anyway if I did so.

So I went to sleep, with some misgivings: I knew this wasn't the last I would hear of the cockroach.

In the middle of the night, I had a series of dreams; in one of them, someone was touching me lightly on the chest. I awoke. It was the cockroach, walking along my chest! I got up and frantically shook it away from me. The bastard darted down for safety...into my boxer shorts!!! After some dancing to get it off my b****cks, I managed to get rid of it.

The same thing had happened to me on a beach, at night, a few years earlier, as I was trying to flirt with a pretty girl - I mean, the bit about a cockroach getting into my underpants. She couldn't make out why I was suddenly disco dancing in the utter quiet of a deserted beach, beneath the moon and the stars...

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Canuck cops cuff teen suspect in swatter-for-hire case

Anomalous Cowshed
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Swatting causes extreme distress and injury to police

Said Lieutenant Bzzzz, a senior fly working with the police department.

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So, just how do you say 'the mutt's nuts' in French?

Anomalous Cowshed
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Les couilles du clebs

As emeritus professor of Freunch at a renowned Mickey Mouse university, I believe the correct translation into French is:

Zeu deug's bolleucks

Where 'deug' stands for 'member of the canis canis tribe of the canides species, and 'bolleucks' is a colloquialism which depicts the external gonads of a male animal

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Five unbelievable headlines that claim Tim Berners-Lee 'INVENTED the INTERNET'

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Re: Idiots

Al Gore? Isn't he the one who invented global warming?

Oops.

I'll get me coat...no my swimsuit and suntan lotion...oh, no! A spade then, to dig myself out of a hole...

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Brit boffins brew up blight-resistant FRANKENSPUD

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Sainsbury laboratory in Cambridge

Meanwhile, scientists at the Tesco laboratory in Oxford insisted that they would be the first to market with a potato that resists blight AND is more oil absorbent to produce better fries.

But researchers at the Fotnum & Mason laboratory in down-at-heel St. James announced that potatoes were not fashionable and recommended that customers looking for a budget alternative opt for truffles, which go well with a grouse or venison dish.

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Modern spying 101: How NSA bugs Chinese PCs with tiny USB radios - NYT

Anomalous Cowshed
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FUD

Incoming signal: "FUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUD"

Oooh, matron, it's just interference!

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US BACKDOORED our satellites, claim UAE

Anomalous Cowshed
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"FUD" by Anomalous Cowshed

Jones was sitting at his desk, smoking a cigar - a habit which he'd fought hard to preserve, despite the endless hints dropped by a number of ladies from the typing pool. But then Jones was a gruff individual, not the kind of man to give in readily to such female pressure. He also kept a bottle of bourbon locked in a drawer under his desk which he would bring out to toast a special occasion. Not today though.

The telephone rang. "Mr. Jones, it's Philips. We've finally cracked it!" said an excited voice on the other end of the line.

Jones grunted. The other man continued "We've got our universal transliterator. We've tested it on Chang, and it relayed the meaning of what he was saying in Mandarin, the exact meaning. You should have seen his face - I mean Chang's. He was utterly flabbergasted."

"Bring it in" said Jones, sceptically. He found these kinds of excitable claims made over the phone particularly annoying. If what Philips was saying was true, then he should like to find out at first hand. Jones took out the key to that drawer under his desk from his pocket and laid it on top of the desk itself, just in case. They'd been trying to develop the Transliterator for years. Yet no matter how many resources and manpower they threw at it, no matter how much processing power, memory, and clever programming they tried to incorporate into it, it was always a failure. A dismal failure which was diverting precious funds from other, more down-to-earth projects...

Ten minutes later, there was a sharp knock at the door, and before waiting for him to say "enter", two men dressed in lab coats erupted into the room. One was Philips, a gaunt, bespectacled scientist who today was wearing a most uncharacteristic enthusiastic expression. The other, a gentleman of Asian appearance. Chang, no doubt, thought Jones. The Asian-looking man was also showing signs of glee.

"We've got it" said Philips while his colleague nodded furiously. "It works, it really does!"

"Show me" said Jones. He grabbed hold of a remote control and switched on the huge, concealed flat-panel television integrated into the wall opposite. An attractive woman appeared, sitting rather formally at a magnificent desk. She was facing right into the screen, and appeared to be talking in a deliberate and solemn manner at the men in the room. It was a news programme. She was conveying weighty matters and it seemed that the very fate of the world hinged upon each word that flowed out of her lips.

“Run it” said Jones with a nod of the head towards the screen. Philips walked up to the desk, took something out of his lab coat’s pocket and set it down on Jones’ desk.

It was not at all what Jones had expected: a small spherical device, silvery all over, with no apparent connections, whether for power or anything else.

“It’s new technology, Mr. Jones” said Philips proudly, noting his boss’s incredulous glance. “We’ve manage to develop a thristor chip which demodulates reality in the quantic plane…”

“Just show me how it works” interrupted Jones, who wanted to avoid being swamped by what were to him incomprehensible technical specifications. “You can tell me about the innards later.”

“Yes, Sir” said Philips. He gently touched the device. The men in the room were silent, while the woman continued to talk at them / at the hidden camera in front of her.

Suddenly, there was a beep. The sphere on the desk glowed purple.

Jones turned the television off. Philips then touched the sphere again. There was an awkward moment’s silence.

Then suddenly, the sphere began to talk! At first Jones was amazed. However, he and the others soon realised that something was wrong. The machine kept repeating the same incomprehensible sound – a single syllable: “Fud. Fud. Fud…” Philips and Chang exchanged horrified glances.

“Fud. Fud. Fud. Fud.” said the little machine.

Jones took the key to the drawer which concealed the bottle of bourbon, and pocketed it with a tinge of regret. He felt slightly annoyed, but also quite amused at how disconcerted the others looked.

He gave them a look as severe as he could muster. “Back to the drawing book, gentlemen. Thank you for bringing it in”. They immediately caught the hint.

“Fud. Fud. Fud.” said the little sphere as Philips pocketed it in a hurry, trying frantically to turn it off, without success, and left the room with Chang in tow. “Fud. Fud. Fud.” it kept saying as they made their way down the corridor.

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Ross Ulbricht: 'Oi! Give me back my $34m in Silk Road Bitcoin booty'

Anomalous Cowshed
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The biggest seizure of Bitcoin in US history

Are you sure?

I seem to recall a previous seizure during the American Civil War, which was much worse than this one.

There was also Bitcoin Tea Party, before US independence, when all the Bitcoin aboard a ship got thrown into the sea in Boston.

Or have I mixed up my history a bit?

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Blighty could put a (WO)MAN on MARS by 2040, says sci minister

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Cooperation

It's nice to see that the UK is still able to do great things in the world.

We have the ability to mediate between great powers to encourage cooperation.

We have more managers per capita than any other nation, and our degrees in paper pushing are second to none. We can offer that too.

We also have the ability to make the reality TV show charting the progress of the negotiations over cooperation. That's not the same thing as the reality TV show about the actual Mars Mission itself. But it's a step in the right direction, and it shows that the UK is right up there with...with Tuvalu and other media-savvy countries.

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Submerged Navy submarine successfully launches drone from missile tubes

Anomalous Cowshed
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Re: Oh boy, another toy

or a community centre for the special forces community...

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Brit inventors' GRAVITY POWERED LIGHT ships out after just 1 year

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What happened...

What happened to those hand-cranked or hand-squeezed torches?

They cost far less than this - indeed they were being given away as promotional gifts by companies - are far less cumbersome, and the way I see it, could achieve much the same outcome, if not better, with less hassle and outlay. I used to have one myself.

Wouldn't something like that be more convenient than this latest amazing contraption with its secret converter of potential energy into electric energy? And why isn't it in widespread use / or is it?

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Swollen Reg reader recounts FALSE WIDOW spider HORROR

Anomalous Cowshed
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Your mate

Your mate breeds urticating hairs? And then uses them on you as a fiberglass sponge?

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World Trade Organisation chief warns global deals are ABOUT TO TANK

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"Not a single human being living in poverty anywhere in the world will be better-off if we fail...

What turn of phrase! What scope for deniability! What outstanding mastery of cunning linguistics!

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Qatar whips covers off giant footballing vagina

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Bah - Catarrh

I would have expected them to build a stadium shaped like a giant nose, not a c**t.

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Meet the FOUR-TON DINO that made little Tyrannosaurs SOIL THEMSELVES

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WARNING!

He's escaped from his cage in Redmond, Washington! The 4 ton Balmerosaurus Microsoftii (DO NOT BE MISLED BY THAT REASSURING LATIN SOUNDING TERM) is on the prowl, he's out of controllllllllllllllllll!!!

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If this doesn't terrify you... Google's computers OUTWIT their humans

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Other Google announcements which didn't make it into the global media

We programmed this loop, that's a thing which tells the computer to do something again and again, many times, and when we tested it, all of a sudden, the computer started going crazy...it refused to stop...it kept going, as though it had a mind of its own...luckily we were able to find the plug and we pulled it. It was terrifying! Imagine what could have happened if we hadn't been able to switch it off!

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'I'm BIG, I'm BALD and I'm LOUD!' Blubbering Ballmer admits HE was Microsoft's problem

Anomalous Cowshed
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What a performance!

A Greekcapitalistic tragedy in 1 act

Billionaire CEO cultivates a brash and unsophisticated image, earning everybody's scorn and ridicule.

Years pass, the company appears to stagnate somewhat, the share price stagnates.

Billionaire CEO then announces resignation with tears.

The share price climbs sharply, predictably (which is what being a CEO is all about).

Billionaire CEO, who is a major shareholder of the company, makes huge profits as a result of the manoeuvre, so do all the other shareholders.

Billionaire CEO cries and says he is a "fat, bald buffoon" and he was "forced out".

Then he laughs all the way to the bank.

The end.

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Murdoch stands between your kids and filth with BSkyB network-level SHIELD

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Hey!

Hey, Murdoch, leave them kids alone!

All in all you're just another...[fill in as you see fit]

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BROADBAND will SAVE THE ECONOMY, shriek UK.gov bods

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Sarcastic, useless commentards!

You think you know it all! You will criticise anything, just to air your negative attitudes. And yet you haven't a clue what you are talking about.

Did you know, for instance, that Blighty has a HUGE cat video industry?

Did you know that this industry is carrying the hopes of a nation?

Do you realise how important high-speed broadband is to the development of this, and other similar industries?

There is enormous potential here, and if we are to tap into it, we need fast internet. Your government is working tirelessly to provide this Internet so that commentards like you can get rich from the comfort of your home, filming your cat, or someone else's cat (subject to acquiring all the relevant rights), and posting the video on Google, to generate advertising revenue, which is the crux of the new economic model.

So please, think a bit. (Not too much)

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The TRUTH about mystery Trojan found in SPAAACE

Anomalous Cowshed
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Everybody: big meeting at the Yomama coffee shop room in Chong Ching at 1pm

"Ladies and gentlemen" said the head of Trojan-for-You to his motley crew. "I am proud to announce that we are the first malware house ever to get a virus into space. This is one small virus for space, one giant pain for ISS!"

Applause.

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Is it all up for LANDFILL ANDROID? BEHOLD, the Moto G

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Confusing

Isn't it confusing having a spokesman for Motorola who is called Soni?

Imagine a spokeswoman for CocaCola called Miss Pepsy

Or a spokesperson for Microsoft called Apul

Or a spokesman for North Korea called An Kol Sam...

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Want to BUILD YOUR OWN Tardis? First, get a star and set it spinning...

Anomalous Cowshed
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Re: Doubts

I second the right honourable commentard in his opinion.

Relativity, quantum mechanics, etc. - are models designed rationalise the way the universe works or is expected to work. They hold water in that they are not contradicted by observable evidence to date. They are also not contradicted by observable holes in the model. But that is all. All the statements about going back in time, etc., are extrapolations which should read "you would appear to be travelling through time". The words 'appear to' are gradually filed away by generations of wishful thinkers.

Alternatively, such phenomena, although they fit in with the theory, might not necessarily materialise or make sense once you switch the frame of reference, as my honourable fellow commentard just pointed out. There is no reason why just because the equations of the model balance out, the phenomena of the real world should follow suit. It's all conjecture, based on a particular reckoning or way of seeing things.

There is still a distinction between empirical science and science fiction.

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Norks EXECUTE 80 for watching DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES

Anomalous Cowshed
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Believe everything anyone says, provided it's relayed by a media outlet

See title

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'F-CK YOU GOOGLE+' ukelele missy scoops BIG WAD of $$ - for Google

Anomalous Cowshed
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blimey

Until now I thought a ukulele was some kind of wind instrument - looking a bit like a cross between a potato and a flute. Now I know it's a string instrument. Thanks Register for unexpected side-benefits!

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BT Sport scores own goal with £897m Champions League footie rights deal

Anomalous Cowshed
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The problem with BT's attempts to buff up their brand...

...is that many people don't think much of their brand.

Maybe it's time they changed their name again, and chose something bold and daring and ever so slightly plasticky like so many other big, anonymous corporations. For instance:

Norwich Union -> Aviva

British Gas -> Centrica

What kind of name could BT go for?

What about something celestial, like the name of a star or planet...for instance: "Uranus"?

Or how about 'Bolloxa'? That surely sounds exotic and foreign, and in a somewhat strangely smelly way, remotely sexy. Or: ConArt? That name will have the advantage of being immediately recognisable across the channel.

No disrespect here - just a bit of fun.

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Right royal rumpus over remote-control 'RoboRoach'

Anomalous Cowshed
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Not easy to 'comment'

One the one hand, some might say that the alternative for the cockroach would most likely be to be squashed by a slipper, i.e. killed, so it doesn't matter.

On the other hand, there is a difference between killing a pest and doing things to it which might be seen as showing a lack of respect and humanity to a living thing. It is perhaps not merely what is being done to the insect that is of concern, but also the impact on the mind of the person who is doing it. Since these experiments are not in any way scientific, the real reason for people conducting them, which may include likely varying degrees of sadism, may not be something that should be encouraged.

If many people are enabled or encouraged to conduct such experiments on insects, a small proportion of them might also eventually graduate to bigger subjects.

Doctor Mengele used to conduct vivisection experiments on death camp inmates and could surely have used the argument that they were up for the chop anyway, so it didn't matter - what with the people in question being non-Aryans and thus equivalent to rats and cockroaches in his country's mindset at the time.

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BLOOD KING of the TYRANNOSAURS, grandad of T-Rex

Anomalous Cowshed
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80-90 million years ago, the Western part of North America was called Laramidia...and there was a huge inner sea channel and Utah had beach-front properties. This is an advert from an estate agent of the era (which was recently discovered fossilised, the advert, not the estate agent): "Beach-front property in Laramidia for sale - outstanding sea views. 50 metre high, 10 metre thick walls, no less than ten remotely operated 20mm, multiple-barrel Gatling guns and military grade steel nets overhead for guaranteed safety from the local wildlife. just around the corner from massive shopping mall with McDonalds, Pizza Hut and Kentucky Fried Chicken (expected in a few millionyears).

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Thought you didn't need to show ID in the UK? Wrong

Anomalous Cowshed
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Re: Some rules do need to be tightened

The bit about sedating I would not be against, given how much I hate flying, especially the turbulence. Maybe they could set up a voluntary sedation service. They could have announcements in the airport along the lines of "Anyone wanting sedation please step over here" or "Please join the 'sedation' queue if you require sedation during your flight. They might sedate people BEFORE the 'security' checks, so that this way, with a special "I am sedated, let me through' card, and a fee of £10 (call it a tax or a bribe, call it whatever you want!) you could avoid having to go through the bogus security checks and just proceed at a stately pace on a mattress conveyed by a conveyor belt up to the aircraft, only to wake up at the destination at a 'de-sedation' station, completely relaxed.

Disclaimer: THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY VIEWS ABOUT THE MAIN TOPIC OF ID, LET THERE BE NO MISUNDERSTANDINGS

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Cyber-terrorists? Pah! Superhero protesters were a bigger threat to London Olympics

Anomalous Cowshed
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I'm proud of the legacy

When I behold the brave new world in the making at Stratford, with the magnificent concrete blocks, the windswept concrete plazas, and the romantic mountains of rubble, when I remember how proud we Londoners were to give up our main roads to exclusive VIP traffic, to give up some of our favourite parks for over a year to what at first glance looked like a campaign of unprecedented state-sponsored vandalism but was in fact definitely done in our interest, I am proud of the legacy of these Olympic games, which gave so many companiespeople so much cashhope and aspiration, and finally put London on the map, whereas of course it hadn't been there before.

Not only that, but the terrorist threats were kept at bay by cleverly positioned missile batteries, at a time when the average person, ever so trivial, was mainly concerned about laptop batteries, and no attacks took place, which is absolutely wonderful. Spare a minute, will you, raise your consciousness above your humdrum day-to-day concerns, and marvel at the tremendous efforts of the brave people and corporations that made all this possible!

All this is a testament to this great Lord and his generous corporate backers, and I wonder why the people of London haven't voted to erect any statues to their memory yet...

...And with this thought, I awoke from one of my weirdest ever LSD trips, feeling rather confused.

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Mars defends: HUMANS to SEND UFO to Red Planet by 2016

Anomalous Cowshed
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Bloke says - if anyone needs to get something to Mars, talk to me

Oy! I want in on this bandwagon, before it's too late.

I plan to send a lander to Alpha Centauri come 2020. It won't get there in 2020. But the plan is to launch it in 2020.

I will need 10 billion pounds to fund this amazing mission, a first for mankind. So if anybody wants to get some stuff up to the stars, talk to me.

I know some governments have been interested in stars in the past, we could accommodate them. Toddlers also like stars - twinkle, twinkle! - so there are lots of parents out there who will be well advised to contribute a nominal donation, say £1000 per toddler, in return for which we will offer their sprogs a slither of immortality by entering their names in our Star Exploration Contributors database, a copy of which will be carried aboard the lander on a radiation-shielded USB dongle, hand-crafted in an exclusive workshop in Shenzhen, China. Entries in the "Premium Star Exploration Contributors Hall of Fame", an exclusive table in the database, will be available to rich mugsdiscerning philanthropists for £1,000,000 and above. For this you will not only have your name and status up in the stars, forever, but you will get your own copy of the entire database on a gold-plated USB stick, so you can see which of your mates have also contributed. Get in quick, before space runs out: the database we use is a super-secure, NSA and virus proof one-off edition from a leading software house called 'Maocrosoft' in Guangzhou and is specially designed to only hold up to 1 billion records.

To contribute, head to your local Western Union branch...

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Japanese boffins make a splash with bath-based touchscreen

Anomalous Cowshed
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"allowing the user to move and object about wherever their finger goes"

I, too, dream of moving and objecting just about wherever my finger goes. It is a surreal way of expressing my freedom of speech and movement in a world where liberty appears increasingly constrained by legislation and wiretapping...

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