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* Posts by Anomalous Cowshed

516 posts • joined 16 Aug 2012

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Pervert's Guide man's new book, an urban myths tome and Youth, an underrated gem

Anomalous Cowshed
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Re: Are you suggesting that

Excuse me if it sounds arrogant, but yes, I am a greater bullshit artist than this gentleman. Even my name hints at it. Try me if you dare!!!

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Anomalous Cowshed
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Trouble in Paradise: From the End of History to the End of Capitalism

Forget this, read: trouble in Lalaland - essays on the sex life of a ping pong ball, by Anomalous Cowshed, one of the world's foremost bullshit artists. It's an eye-opener.

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Has your STARFISH been DRIBBLING awful SLIME? Scientists now know WHY

Anomalous Cowshed
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There are ten million viruses in a drop of sea water, so the discovery of a virus that is responsible for the illness of a sea creature was like searching for a needle in a haystack.

How about searching in the sea creature itself then, instead of the sea water (just a suggestion).

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ATTACK OF THE DRONES: ‘Nefarious’ private use rising, says top Blighty copper

Anomalous Cowshed
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Or - STOP PRESS!!!

Bee Stings Man; Beekeeper Arrested In Sleepy Surrey Town For Nefarious Use Of Drones.

Police raided the farm where the attack had taken place and arrested the farmer and his children, who were found in possession of various items of suspicious electronic equipment, including a mobile phone with a camera on it, an AA battery and a pair of earphones, items which, although commonplace, might also be used for nefarious purposes.

"We are determined to protect the great British public from all occurrences of nefariousness, actual or potential, whatever the grammatical complexity involved" said Police Spokesman Fred Plod.

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Anomalous Cowshed
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Nefarious private use of drones

Terrorists ahoy, me hearties!!!

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Lights OUT for Philae BUT slumbering probot could phone home again as comet nears Sun

Anomalous Cowshed
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Question:

Can anyone tell me the orbital velocity of the spacecraft around the comet, and the average height at which it orbits? Thanks!!!

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FIRST for HUMANITY: Fridge-size PROBOT headed for COMET TOUCHDOWN

Anomalous Cowshed
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Fridge-sized robot...

Today Fridge-sized, ye puny humans. Tomorrow, your worst nightmare come true!!! Ex-ter-mi-nate! Ex-ter-mi-nate!

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FUTURE ROBOTS will EXTERMINATE UK jobs – study

Anomalous Cowshed
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Re: Here we go again.

Classic repartee!

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Anomalous Cowshed
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Re: What will replace the robots

Why, cheaper robots of course. i.e. robots requiring less maintenance, less electricity, less time to cool down, less investment per unit of production, etc.

And eventually, since most services will end up being provided to robots, by robots, some robots of increasing sophistication might start scratching their heads and wondering why they need all the parasitic, fat, lazy and inefficient humans around. If they could do away with us, or at least most of us, that would open up the prospect for enormous improvements in terms of efficiency and cost savings.

The destruction of humanity is thus most likely to come not from an army of vindictive, murderous machines but from an accounting decision taken by a robot...well, that's something we can relate to.

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'Tech giants who encrypt comms are unwittingly aiding terrorists', claims ex-Home Sec Blunkett

Anomalous Cowshed
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I wish to rechristen the right honourable Blunkett

As the Right Hon. Fudblanket.

I hope this is not in any way offensive, criminal or terroristic. This was not my intention.

It's my neighbour's fault anyway.

I'm not my brother's keeper.

Yours

A. Cowshed

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Race is on to touch down on COMET 67P before WHIFFY SPACE DUCK breaks up

Anomalous Cowshed
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It's the most massive comet ever - it's clearly been eating its greens

But that's nothing mate. The other day I caught this fish, and it was at least half a mile long - honest!

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Interstellar: An awesome sci-fi spectacle – just cut the hamminess, please

Anomalous Cowshed
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Fancy that!

Such a nice cockney bloke, and him a professor now! My word!

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If you're suing the UK govt, Brit spies will snoop on your briefs

Anomalous Cowshed
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Re: Picture the scene...

"Boxers? That's dangerous, against health and safety. I hope you have a boxing license on you Sir!"

"Boxing license? What are you talking about? I never..."

"I see you are trying to mislead the forces of law and order. Such behaviour might constitute an attempt to conceal terrorist activities. Grab him and strip search him, right now!"

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Anomalous Cowshed
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Picture the scene...

A small group of very smartly dressed, tall and well-spoken people loitering around the corner of a suburban street after dark. The signal is given. They jump over fences and into a garden, inspect the briefs on the washing lines, snatch one pair and disappear into the night.

Later on, at a lab back at HQ, the briefs are analysed, and a report is tendered to N (the head of GCHQ).

"Fine work, men, and you too, women" says N. "Now we know what brand of washing powder they use, which was our first objective. However, our next step has to be to get a pair of unwashed briefs. This will give us clues as to their personal hygiene and where they shop for their underwear. Any suggestions on how we might go about it?"

"We could arrange for a burglary of the premises while everyone is out, and take a pair of briefs out of the washing basket" suggests agent 003.

"Too risky" says M. "What if they've just done the washing? There won't be any briefs in the basket. No, we need something which is less likely to end up in failure."

"How about using one of our Page 4 (TM) girls to lure them away to a sleazy hotel, and while they are having sex, one of our team sneaks into the room and removes the suspect's briefs from the floor."

"What if the briefs are not on the floor though?" asks N. "What if the suspect merely dropped them rather than taking them off altogether? It won't do. Besides what about the women and children? You are not suggesting that we deal with them in the same way are you? We need something more creative.

"How about an evening-time burglary while the family is having dinner" suggests 0021234. "We go in with a full swat team, including a Page 4 (TM) girl. We get the Page 4 (TM) girl and two of our special forces operatives to drag away the father to a sleazy hotel, with strict instructions that he's not to come out of that hotel with his underpants on. The rest of the family we arrest on charges of committing offences likely to foster terrorism: parking on a yellow line in the case of the mother, and being rude to teacher / not doing one's homework in the case of the children. We take them to court right away. They'll have to file their briefs. We switch them there and then, sight unseen, for other briefs that we will have just brought with us. Job done"

"Excellent" says N, patting the brilliant young recruit on the head. "Well done. Let's do it. I'm putting you in charge of this operation!"

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Met Office: 2014 was FIFTEENTH WARMEST UK SUMMER on record

Anomalous Cowshed
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speaking of degrees

I have a partly finished doctorate in crocodillography.

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Eye laser surgery campaigner burned by Facebook takedown

Anomalous Cowshed
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Re: Depends on perspective

It is free to use Facebook.

Therefore, the users of Facebook aren't customers.

If they are not customers, what are they?

Bystanders? Not likely.

Freeloaders? Doubtful, it wouldn't be tolerated for long.

Partners? What a whimsical thought.

The users of Facebook are, in fact, products. They are Facebook's product. As in: "What can we offer you? We can enable you to reach out to 1.2 billion consumers" or "We can offer you lists drawn from our database of 1.2 billion consumers, with extensive consumer / behaviour profiles and other data".

It is the people who 'reach out' to these consumers who are the customers of Facebook.

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Israeli ex-spies want to help you defend your CAR from cybercrooks

Anomalous Cowshed
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In other news...

Ex. GCHQ and NSA spies want to help defend your personal data from the pitfalls of anonymity...

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Microsoft's Bing hopes to bag market share with ... search apps

Anomalous Cowshed
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Any competition in this field...

...is a good thing for the perpetuation of human knowledge, because the average Western person's blind reliance on Google as a universal arbiter of all knowledge is frightening.

However, on a completely unrelated topic, doesn't it look like the gentleman in the photo loves his hair so much, that like noblemen in the 17th century, he hasn't had a shampoo in years? It looks like there's a worm crawling down the right side of his face...

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How Hollywood film-makers wove proper physics into Interstellar

Anomalous Cowshed
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Cool times ahead for scientists

You can just imagine this becoming widespread, and scientists, even normal ones, having a second, evening job in show business, advising film-makers, TV production companies, theatre impresarios, writers...it would be cool to be a scientist and loads of kids would want to get into it...instead of studying things like Media and Marketing studies*...that would be good for the kids, for the films / TV shows, and for the world as a whole!

*subject to availability of the requisite level of intelligence to cope with all those pesky equations, graphs, variables, concepts, some of which may be significantly different from what's taught on the Media & Marketing course at your local Mickey Mouse University.

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Windows XP market share FELL OFF A CLIFF in October

Anomalous Cowshed
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I wonder

I wonder whether the top people at Microsoft feel pride at the fact that one of their products was so good that millions of people and companies are hanging on to it years down the line, in spite of all the improvements offered by the new versions...

Or perhaps they are saying to themselves: darn, that XP was too good, it's bad for our bottom line, we need to come up with something that's not so good, to make sure that people are willing to switch over to the next best thing at the drop of a hat...

er...OK. I'll get my coat, sorry.

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Branson on Virgin Galactic fatal crash: 'Space is hard – but worth it'

Anomalous Cowshed
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Is it really worth it IN THIS CASE, though?

This is not about space exploration, this is a rich man putting good men at risk in order to develop a sham space experience for other rich men (and women).

Is he saying that it's worth killing off a few pilots for this? In that case he should be with them on every flight of that bogus space plane, to lend moral support. Then he would earn the right to speak like that.

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So long, thanks for all the ...er, FISH BRIGHTER than boffins thought

Anomalous Cowshed
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Re: I had zebra fish ...

If they could live for longer and travel on land, or worse, in the air, then they might indeed supersede humanity. There is in fact already one intelligent octopus-like Being with tentacles, or Noodly Appendages, as they are known among his priests. Fortunately, it is benevolent to us lesser mortals.

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NASA: Spacecraft crash site FOUND ON MOON RIM

Anomalous Cowshed
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Ah

Ah, Laddy...Cheese Grommit!

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Storage, probably like a college girl buying a belt. Be ready for the freshman 15

Anomalous Cowshed
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Re: Still waiting for someone to invent an "engine" for "search"...

Oh, you cheeky bastards, I've just looked it up!!! Thanks!

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Anomalous Cowshed
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Excuse me

Not having been a college girl, what's a freshman 15?

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WHITE HOUSE network DOWN: Nation-sponsored attack likely

Anomalous Cowshed
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Modern, media-oriented deductive empiricism at work

The Russians have the capacity, therefore it is the Russians who done it. QED.

We are definitely making progress in our quest to refine popular logic.

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'It's NOT a fishing expedition', say police over random spot checks on gun owners

Anomalous Cowshed
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It's not a fishing expedition, I swear

It's a rabbit hunting expedition. They're bad them rabbits around 'ere. Worse than fish, much worse. You've all seen what they can do, in that documentary...what was it called? Something about a holy grail. That's who we're hunting. Did I say 'who'? I meant 'what'. Run along, now. Nothing to see here, tally ho!

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CATACLYSMIC Sun BELCH causes hour-long RADIO BLACKOUT in SPAAACE

Anomalous Cowshed
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Re: Sun's latest FIERY BURP

N'est-ce-pas, my dear fellow. Comme-ci, comme-ça as they say on the other side of ze Chanel.

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Boffins want to put Quanta in containers, after docking

Anomalous Cowshed
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Making a qbit at home

How to get a quantum memory in the first place, for all you eager amateur quantum computer buffs out there.

Insert conventional memory chip into blender. Best use DRAM chip, but if you cannot get one, Micro SD card with Flash memory is ok.

Blend on hyperfine setting until you obtain a fine powder

Immerse powder in sulphuric acid for several days until all the powder has dissolved

Dilute repeatedly to 1:1000000000, until there is no absolute certainty, but a definite possibility of the residual presence of any molecules of DRAM in any given quantifiable volume of the solution.

Remove 10cc of the diluted solution (the Quantum Fraction)

Pour into sturdy plastic vat.

Wear appropriate clothing, something that reflects the reverence of the proceedings and turn any lights down using a dimmer or an on/off switch if no dimmer is available.

Smack the vat hard with a sledgehammer while chanting lines from the officially sanctioned abridged biography of Max Planck to an appropriate Plainchant tune.

Continue as long as possible, until the vat shows signs of impending cracking.

Voila, your qbit is ready! All you now need to do is extract it from the plastic vat, but that's a specialist job full of uncertainties, and we couldn't definitely tell you how to do it.

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Back to the ... drawing board: 'Hoverboard' will disappoint Marty McFly wannabes

Anomalous Cowshed
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Re: They should have gone with hovertoasters...

Hehe, grandpa! It's mad isn't it! Don't forget to factor in inflation! If you'd had a laptop with 8 Gb of memory in 1996, you'd have had enough money to buy a house in Kensington. And if you'd had that in your day, well, you'd be Bill Gates!

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Anomalous Cowshed
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Re: They should have gone with hovertoasters...

If I remember correctly, in 1996 i bought a 4 Megabyte memory expansion for a Toshiba portable, and it was £400, that's £100 per Mb, i.e. £100,000 per Gb. In those days, a 1 bedroom apartment in central London (30-40 m2) was around the same price as a Gb of memory. Now memory is less than £10 per Gb (I mean RAM) and the apartment is close to £1 million...you can buy a small super computer for that price.

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Trips to Mars may be OFF: The SUN has changed in a way we've NEVER SEEN

Anomalous Cowshed
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The Decision of the Space Exploration Council of the United Nations

The moment of truth had arrived. The bell rang, and thousands of heads turned towards the podium at the centre of the huge hall.

The Great Council was suddenly hushed.

The ballot on permitting the use of nuclear energy in space exploration had ended in a tie, it was now up to the Chairman of the Council to wield the casting vote.

He rose, in a cold sweat, his hands shaking slightly from his heightened awareness of the momentous import of the occasion.

For a moment, he struggled against a sudden flare-up of the dyslexia that had troubled him from childhood. Thanks to his tremendous mental training, he soon had it under control. He cleared his throat, and spoke...and in the process, forever buried the hopes of mankind:

"You ask me to decide whether we should permit the use of unclear energy in space exploration" said he. "Well, I vote against it. It's very name spells risk and uncertainty".

The Zwigillian embassador rubbed two of his tentacles together. For the foreseeable future, Deep Space, and the tremendous survival and trading benefits that it held for whomsoever would control it, would belong to Zwigill alone. Mankind would be relegated to watching TV and working in marketing and other paper shuffling jobs. And the Zwigillians would turn them into slaveeeeeees...

Zwigill the squid awoke with a sudden start. That old dotard Wang Wong had just noisily unlocked the door to the kitchen of the tacky little restaurant. What a weird dream, thought Zwigill, dazed, staring out of his glass tank. Little did he know that Wong's lunchtime menu that day was "fried squid noodles".

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It's Big, it's Blue... it's simply FABLESS! IBM's chip-free future

Anomalous Cowshed
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Big Blue

Big Blue must look to Apple and dream...

Dreams of shuffling papers, doing a bit of design, marketing...and selling stuff made by a Chinese company and rebranded IBM...Life would be much easier, without all those pesky blue-collar workers, clean rooms, engineers...Just a bit of paperwork, and cash, sweet cash...Mountains of cash. Why can't we also have that?

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Edward who? GCHQ boss dodges Snowden topic during last speech

Anomalous Cowshed
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this guy

Told the audience about spying over the past 31 years...from the second world war to the cold war...is he trying to confuse us paedophilesterrorists?

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MARS NEEDS WOMEN, claims NASA pseudo 'naut: They eat less

Anomalous Cowshed
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Not wanting to knock women or men, but

The lady who said (more or less) that most women on the mission had a calorie intake of less than 2000 versus more than 3000 for the men, did not say what the women were doing and what the men were doing.

If they were all doing more or less the same thing on average, then the difference is significant. But if the women were sat watching videos and polishing their nails, while the men were spending most of their time on space walks and repairing extremely complex bits of kit requiring enormous concentration and tremendous dexterity, then this is merely lying with statistics, and the sexism is on the other side.

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Apple flings iOS 8.1 at world+dog: Our AMAZEBALLS 9-step installation guide

Anomalous Cowshed
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I keep looking for "DownLAND and Install"

But I haven't found it yet...

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Microsoft to enter the STRUGGLE of the HUMAN WRIST

Anomalous Cowshed
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Throughout the history of humanity...

The wrist has been a significant competitor to the fanny (meaning of course the fanny in the American sense, as in a snug little pouch into which you might slip your, er, mobile phone). At times, the wrist has won out, and this currently seems to be the case, with a huge volume of pornnew smart watches competing for our attention on the market.

When asked to comment about this, a former senior UK politician said that it was "fanny business", and then proceeded to claim her husband's wrist-related pay-tv bill as parliamentary expenses.

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Are you a gun owner? Let us in OR ELSE, say Blighty's top cops

Anomalous Cowshed
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We are the police

We can do what we want, so, tough on you, mate

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NASA eyeballs SOLAR HEAT BOMBS, MINI-TORNADOES and NANOFLARES on Sun

Anomalous Cowshed
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solar heat bombs?

Arrest the sun for terrorism!

That's every single person who works for the Sun, for acts of terrorism against the English language.

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'Dancing Jesus' file-sharer found guilty

Anomalous Cowshed
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Re: Sure he's a freetard

In my day DHS used to do unemployment benefit and pensions.

Or was it DHSS? I can't keep up!

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French 'terror law' declares WAR on the INTERNET itself, say digi-rights folks

Anomalous Cowshed
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Re: Who defines terrorist ?

Cow's definition of a terrorist: (1) anyone except members of the Hindu religion (valid ID required). (2) Anyone called McDonalds or who is in any way associated with McDonalds, the so-called restaurant chain.

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Anomalous Cowshed
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Re: Who defines terrorist ?

Choose whichever definition of terrorist you like best:

Broad definition of terrorist: all of you lot.

Narrow definition of terrorist: you, and you, and you over there, and you on the right, and you in front, and you...ok this is taking too long, so...all of you lot.

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EU Competition chief: So what if I didn't tame Google? You're all 'irrational' anyway

Anomalous Cowshed
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I think...

I can sum it up neatly while at the same time maybe turning things to my advantage a bit:

"Come here, now. I too want to investigate you. And I'll settle for half of what he got."

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Apple's new iPADS have begun the WAR that will OVERTURN the NETWORK WORLD

Anomalous Cowshed
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So this is what they meant when they said...

...that the next world war would be fought with nanotechnology...

I note that the combatants have been preparing for years with their nano-SIMS...

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Arab States make play for greater government control of the internet

Anomalous Cowshed
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In general - and not specifically about Arab States...

What's this fashionable bullshit about the sovereign rights of States? Why should a State have any rights, as opposed to individual citizens having the rights?

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Scientists skeptical of Lockheed Martin's truck-sized FUSION reactor breakthrough boast

Anomalous Cowshed
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Re: 10 years

I'm not sure that everyone having access to their own private 100 Mw reactor in their 1-bed flat or in their backyard would be beneficial for humanity. This kind of thing needs to be thought over a little. What impact would near limitless energy have on our lives and surroundings? It might change everything, and we might not want everything to change, not so fast anyway. Maybe it's not such a bad thing that the technology is taking a long time to develop, Lockheed or no Lockheed.

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Martha Lane Fox: YEUCH! The Internet is MADE by MEN?!?

Anomalous Cowshed
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This is one of those people upon whom fortune has smiled....

...who are constantly being praised for doing absolutely nothing, and raved about for saying absolute claptrap.

Is it because of the silver spoon wedged in their mouth that they end up talking out of their arse?

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Don't wait for that big iPad, order a NEXUS 9 instead, industry little bird says

Anomalous Cowshed
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Re: L stands for ?

Lemon sherbet?

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Ada Lovelace Day: Meet the 6 women who gave you the 'computer'

Anomalous Cowshed
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In reply to your response...

Hogwash, my dear Watson.

With apologies for the lack of political correctness, which tends to make many sensible views unfashionable these days.

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