* Posts by Anomalous Cowshed

538 posts • joined 16 Aug 2012

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It's not us, it's you: Boffins ditch supercomputers in lust for new materials

Anomalous Cowshed

Breaking news - Politician unveils advance in Quantum Bovine Excressology (QBE)

The field of Quantum Bovine Excressology advanced by a giant leap today, when a senior politician, who cannot be named for some reason, announced that a tremendous advance in his profession had been made possible using techniques inspired by well-known and now world-renowned "Quantum" principles. In a statement to our reporter, the senior Minister said that it was "Better than an ipad, better than any supercomputer: so better in fact, you'll never understand what we're talking about, but anyway you're so gullible that it doesn't make a difference."

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EU set to bin €500 note

Anomalous Cowshed

Re: ...exceedingly pleasing brick of €500 notes

>>>500 euro notes now make up 75% of the money in circulation in Spain

I always knew that Spain was full of Torrerists! Ole!

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Flying Spaghetti Monster is not God, rules mortal judge

Anomalous Cowshed

Re: All 'religions' the same

I think the definition of a religion is whether the people who practise it take it and themselves seriously.

To test for that, you look for evidence of elaborate and perhaps seemingly senseless rituals, behaviours amounting to denial and even harming one's interests in the name of the religion, and above all refusal to accept any dissent, willingness to exclude / expel / excommunicate / exterminate the disbelievers or apostates or infidels and all that jazz.

So far the FSM people have not reached that level, I believe they love it because they think it's funny and irreverent. But beware, with passing time, some people may yet arise who do take it seriously and are not aware that it was ever designed to make a mockery, and then...it will be a religion.

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Bacon as deadly as cigarettes and asbestos

Anomalous Cowshed

Re: re-reporting the daily mail?

Breaking news:

Major shareholder of Daily Mail outed as a pig!

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Anomalous Cowshed

They got it wrong!!!

A study of the incidence of cancer among Muslim people and vegetarians discloses that NOT EATING pork is also a major cause of cancer. So given the choice between eating and not eating pork...

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Uber is killing off iconic black cabs, warns Zac Goldsmith

Anomalous Cowshed

Shouldn't consumers be getting what they want, how they want it, when they want it

"Shouldn't consumers be getting what they want, how they want it, when they want it, at the price they want it? Silly me for thinking it was the "public good" with which politicians were supposed to be concerned."

In a country populated only by consumers, that might be correct. But a country is not made up merely of consumers. There are also workers, who in a normal country, earn the money used to consume, or make the things that are consumed.

I reckon that the "public good" need to be considered in a balanced manner, especially when the new operator that enters the market and disrupts it doesn't create any new value, but instead merely channels the profits formerly earned by the workers / the people making the products or providing the services, into a new and single pocket: it's own.

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Intel's Compute Sticks stick it to Windows To Go, Chromecast

Anomalous Cowshed

5000 upvotes

If you had 5000 upvotes would you not have a silver medal? I understand it only takes 2000 upvotes to get one...

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Hawking, Musk, Woz (and Riley): ROBOTS will KILL US ALL

Anomalous Cowshed

Re: Hint: They are smarter than you, and anyone at Vulture Central, by a long shot

"Hint: They are smarter than you, and anyone at Vulture Central, by a long shot"

I would fix this sentence as follows:

"Hint: They are more famous and supposedly smarter than you, and anyone at Vulture Central, by a long shot"

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Jurassic squawk: Dinos were Earth's early FEATHERED friends

Anomalous Cowshed

Totally right

Welcome to the new, 21st century cool science of palaeontology

A lesson in logic:

1. We found one fossil of a dinosaur with what looks like feathers.

2. This means the weird bristles some people found on some other dinosaur fossils were feathers!

3. Which leads us to conclude that all dinosaurs were covered with feathers.

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Apple Watch is like an invasive weed says Gartner

Anomalous Cowshed

Did you see that picture?

That plant is really ugly and scary.

Exterminate!

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East Timor was officially removed from the internet yesterday

Anomalous Cowshed

Timor-Lester

As seen spelled in the middle of the article. The truth will out!

"Megalomaniac UK journalist attempts to take over entire new Asian nation"

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Man the HARPOONS: YOU can EASILY SLAY ad-scumware Superfish

Anomalous Cowshed

Adi Pinchas?

Sounds like "baddie Pinch Ass" but with some letters left out...as in:

The perpetrator of the sexual assault on the underground, who was caught pinching women's asses (whereupon the animals involved started braying loudly and got distressed), was arrested and ordered to change his name to one which would reflect the offence he had committed.

Being unmasked, he decided to change his career and become a fishing expert. He was arrested for covertly bundling malware on people's computers, which is not an offence per se, while failing to publicise the full name that had been forced upon him by the court (a serious offence for which he was ordered to change his name again to reflect his new offence. Any suggestions are welcome).

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Microsoft will give away Windows 10 FREE - for ONE year

Anomalous Cowshed

Windows 10 - available free of charge!!!

Here...kitty kitty!

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Facebook worth more than Portugal? Hell, it's worth a LOT more than THAT

Anomalous Cowshed

Conclusion

Just like McDonalds and chain smoking make a net negative contribution to their victims' health, so does Facebook make a negative contribution to the world's economy, by reducing the time people spend actually working, reading, learning or doing something else of use to them or society. This negative contribution is indeed huge. How many millions of jobs could be saved or created, if people were not spending ages tapping on their mobile phones or laptops and filling their minds with mass-produced drivel?

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Latest menace to internet economy: Gators EATING all the PUSSIES

Anomalous Cowshed

Re: "Of a suburban Los Angeles."

No, the writer of the article isn't implying that there are several cities called Los Angeles, but that there are several 'suburban Los Angeleses', whatever that might be.

Take another example of media-speak: "a young Sherlock Holmes". This refers not to one of several putative Sherlock Holmeses, but to one of several YOUNG Sherlock Holmeses. It is an established fact that there were several young Sherlock Holmeses, but only one of them survived to become THE famous Sherlock Holmes who had all those renowned criminal and scientific adventures, culminating in the discovery of DNA with Watson several decades after his death.

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Analysts claim itty bitty iPhone Mini to land next year

Anomalous Cowshed

Miniature iPhone about to launch, says Reuters

Reuters, 31 December 2030 - Analysts are predicting the launch of the smallest iphone in years, a bold innovation that will likely challenge conventional wisdom about mobile phones and revolutionise the market. The tiny newcomer is said to have a screen of only 40" and can be carried by 2 men (though why would any man want to carry a mobile phone, is anyone's guess) or a single phone carrier robot, as opposed to current 70-80" models, which require a team of the expensive phone carrying robots. There are many who doubt whether the smaller screen size will catch on, given the limitations that it places on applications and video. But that's no reason to block innovation, which must continue if mankind is to truly progress.

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Metrics house hails Apple DOMINANCE of X-Mas phone 'n' slab sales

Anomalous Cowshed

Apple's 51.3 per cent share of activations was by far the best among all manufacturers.

Thank you for clarifying that for us!

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What's Jimmy Wales going to do with $500k from the UAE?

Anomalous Cowshed

The Outlaw Jimmy Wales

You can criticise him for his slightly dodgy dealings since he went legit, and I can't argue with that, but back when he was a wanted man in the Wild West, the Outlaw Jimmy Wales was one cool son of a bitch. Probably the coolest one who ever walked and rode on the face of the earth. Cooler even than Chuck Norris. Nobody would dare to piss down his back and tell him it was raining. If he did, Jimmy would kick him so hard, he'd be wearing his ass* as a hat.

* He was an American

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The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies – Thin plot, great CGI effects

Anomalous Cowshed

Distortion and exploitation

The Hobbit films are to the book what those flashy new 100 metre skyscrapers going up all over old parts of London are to the rows of 3-storey Victorian town houses into which they are grafted by the greedy developers.

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DNA egghead James Watson sells Nobel prize for $4.8m, gets it back

Anomalous Cowshed

in my opinion

Watson should also have been awarded the Nobel prizes for literature and peace for his outstanding collaboration with Holmes in the late 19th and early 20th centuries, before he went on to discover DNA.

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97% of UK gets 'basic' 2Mbps broadband. 'Typical households' need 10Mbps – Ofcom

Anomalous Cowshed

Typical households need 10Mbps

Why do they need such a thing? To keep in touch with their relatives? To check their e-mail? To look at ads? To exchange cat videos? To watch pornography online? What could be motivating the dear, caring government to insist on ensuring that EVERYBODY has at least 10 Mbps broadband at home?

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Hawking: RISE of the MACHINES could DESTROY HUMANITY

Anomalous Cowshed

In general...

Once there's official recognition (prizes, awards, praise from popes and presidents, etc.) the game is up. You are dealing with a harmless mind adopted and tamed by the establishment.

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Pervert's Guide man's new book, an urban myths tome and Youth, an underrated gem

Anomalous Cowshed

Re: Are you suggesting that

Excuse me if it sounds arrogant, but yes, I am a greater bullshit artist than this gentleman. Even my name hints at it. Try me if you dare!!!

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Anomalous Cowshed

Trouble in Paradise: From the End of History to the End of Capitalism

Forget this, read: trouble in Lalaland - essays on the sex life of a ping pong ball, by Anomalous Cowshed, one of the world's foremost bullshit artists. It's an eye-opener.

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Has your STARFISH been DRIBBLING awful SLIME? Scientists now know WHY

Anomalous Cowshed

There are ten million viruses in a drop of sea water, so the discovery of a virus that is responsible for the illness of a sea creature was like searching for a needle in a haystack.

How about searching in the sea creature itself then, instead of the sea water (just a suggestion).

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ATTACK OF THE DRONES: ‘Nefarious’ private use rising, says top Blighty copper

Anomalous Cowshed

Or - STOP PRESS!!!

Bee Stings Man; Beekeeper Arrested In Sleepy Surrey Town For Nefarious Use Of Drones.

Police raided the farm where the attack had taken place and arrested the farmer and his children, who were found in possession of various items of suspicious electronic equipment, including a mobile phone with a camera on it, an AA battery and a pair of earphones, items which, although commonplace, might also be used for nefarious purposes.

"We are determined to protect the great British public from all occurrences of nefariousness, actual or potential, whatever the grammatical complexity involved" said Police Spokesman Fred Plod.

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Anomalous Cowshed

Nefarious private use of drones

Terrorists ahoy, me hearties!!!

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Lights OUT for Philae BUT slumbering probot could phone home again as comet nears Sun

Anomalous Cowshed

Question:

Can anyone tell me the orbital velocity of the spacecraft around the comet, and the average height at which it orbits? Thanks!!!

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FIRST for HUMANITY: Fridge-size PROBOT headed for COMET TOUCHDOWN

Anomalous Cowshed

Fridge-sized robot...

Today Fridge-sized, ye puny humans. Tomorrow, your worst nightmare come true!!! Ex-ter-mi-nate! Ex-ter-mi-nate!

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FUTURE ROBOTS will EXTERMINATE UK jobs – study

Anomalous Cowshed

Re: Here we go again.

Classic repartee!

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Anomalous Cowshed

Re: What will replace the robots

Why, cheaper robots of course. i.e. robots requiring less maintenance, less electricity, less time to cool down, less investment per unit of production, etc.

And eventually, since most services will end up being provided to robots, by robots, some robots of increasing sophistication might start scratching their heads and wondering why they need all the parasitic, fat, lazy and inefficient humans around. If they could do away with us, or at least most of us, that would open up the prospect for enormous improvements in terms of efficiency and cost savings.

The destruction of humanity is thus most likely to come not from an army of vindictive, murderous machines but from an accounting decision taken by a robot...well, that's something we can relate to.

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'Tech giants who encrypt comms are unwittingly aiding terrorists', claims ex-Home Sec Blunkett

Anomalous Cowshed

I wish to rechristen the right honourable Blunkett

As the Right Hon. Fudblanket.

I hope this is not in any way offensive, criminal or terroristic. This was not my intention.

It's my neighbour's fault anyway.

I'm not my brother's keeper.

Yours

A. Cowshed

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Race is on to touch down on COMET 67P before WHIFFY SPACE DUCK breaks up

Anomalous Cowshed

It's the most massive comet ever - it's clearly been eating its greens

But that's nothing mate. The other day I caught this fish, and it was at least half a mile long - honest!

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Interstellar: An awesome sci-fi spectacle – just cut the hamminess, please

Anomalous Cowshed

Fancy that!

Such a nice cockney bloke, and him a professor now! My word!

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If you're suing the UK govt, Brit spies will snoop on your briefs

Anomalous Cowshed

Re: Picture the scene...

"Boxers? That's dangerous, against health and safety. I hope you have a boxing license on you Sir!"

"Boxing license? What are you talking about? I never..."

"I see you are trying to mislead the forces of law and order. Such behaviour might constitute an attempt to conceal terrorist activities. Grab him and strip search him, right now!"

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Anomalous Cowshed

Picture the scene...

A small group of very smartly dressed, tall and well-spoken people loitering around the corner of a suburban street after dark. The signal is given. They jump over fences and into a garden, inspect the briefs on the washing lines, snatch one pair and disappear into the night.

Later on, at a lab back at HQ, the briefs are analysed, and a report is tendered to N (the head of GCHQ).

"Fine work, men, and you too, women" says N. "Now we know what brand of washing powder they use, which was our first objective. However, our next step has to be to get a pair of unwashed briefs. This will give us clues as to their personal hygiene and where they shop for their underwear. Any suggestions on how we might go about it?"

"We could arrange for a burglary of the premises while everyone is out, and take a pair of briefs out of the washing basket" suggests agent 003.

"Too risky" says M. "What if they've just done the washing? There won't be any briefs in the basket. No, we need something which is less likely to end up in failure."

"How about using one of our Page 4 (TM) girls to lure them away to a sleazy hotel, and while they are having sex, one of our team sneaks into the room and removes the suspect's briefs from the floor."

"What if the briefs are not on the floor though?" asks N. "What if the suspect merely dropped them rather than taking them off altogether? It won't do. Besides what about the women and children? You are not suggesting that we deal with them in the same way are you? We need something more creative.

"How about an evening-time burglary while the family is having dinner" suggests 0021234. "We go in with a full swat team, including a Page 4 (TM) girl. We get the Page 4 (TM) girl and two of our special forces operatives to drag away the father to a sleazy hotel, with strict instructions that he's not to come out of that hotel with his underpants on. The rest of the family we arrest on charges of committing offences likely to foster terrorism: parking on a yellow line in the case of the mother, and being rude to teacher / not doing one's homework in the case of the children. We take them to court right away. They'll have to file their briefs. We switch them there and then, sight unseen, for other briefs that we will have just brought with us. Job done"

"Excellent" says N, patting the brilliant young recruit on the head. "Well done. Let's do it. I'm putting you in charge of this operation!"

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Met Office: 2014 was FIFTEENTH WARMEST UK SUMMER on record

Anomalous Cowshed

speaking of degrees

I have a partly finished doctorate in crocodillography.

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Eye laser surgery campaigner burned by Facebook takedown

Anomalous Cowshed

Re: Depends on perspective

It is free to use Facebook.

Therefore, the users of Facebook aren't customers.

If they are not customers, what are they?

Bystanders? Not likely.

Freeloaders? Doubtful, it wouldn't be tolerated for long.

Partners? What a whimsical thought.

The users of Facebook are, in fact, products. They are Facebook's product. As in: "What can we offer you? We can enable you to reach out to 1.2 billion consumers" or "We can offer you lists drawn from our database of 1.2 billion consumers, with extensive consumer / behaviour profiles and other data".

It is the people who 'reach out' to these consumers who are the customers of Facebook.

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Israeli ex-spies want to help you defend your CAR from cybercrooks

Anomalous Cowshed

In other news...

Ex. GCHQ and NSA spies want to help defend your personal data from the pitfalls of anonymity...

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Microsoft's Bing hopes to bag market share with ... search apps

Anomalous Cowshed

Any competition in this field...

...is a good thing for the perpetuation of human knowledge, because the average Western person's blind reliance on Google as a universal arbiter of all knowledge is frightening.

However, on a completely unrelated topic, doesn't it look like the gentleman in the photo loves his hair so much, that like noblemen in the 17th century, he hasn't had a shampoo in years? It looks like there's a worm crawling down the right side of his face...

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How Hollywood film-makers wove proper physics into Interstellar

Anomalous Cowshed

Cool times ahead for scientists

You can just imagine this becoming widespread, and scientists, even normal ones, having a second, evening job in show business, advising film-makers, TV production companies, theatre impresarios, writers...it would be cool to be a scientist and loads of kids would want to get into it...instead of studying things like Media and Marketing studies*...that would be good for the kids, for the films / TV shows, and for the world as a whole!

*subject to availability of the requisite level of intelligence to cope with all those pesky equations, graphs, variables, concepts, some of which may be significantly different from what's taught on the Media & Marketing course at your local Mickey Mouse University.

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Windows XP market share FELL OFF A CLIFF in October

Anomalous Cowshed

I wonder

I wonder whether the top people at Microsoft feel pride at the fact that one of their products was so good that millions of people and companies are hanging on to it years down the line, in spite of all the improvements offered by the new versions...

Or perhaps they are saying to themselves: darn, that XP was too good, it's bad for our bottom line, we need to come up with something that's not so good, to make sure that people are willing to switch over to the next best thing at the drop of a hat...

er...OK. I'll get my coat, sorry.

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Branson on Virgin Galactic fatal crash: 'Space is hard – but worth it'

Anomalous Cowshed

Is it really worth it IN THIS CASE, though?

This is not about space exploration, this is a rich man putting good men at risk in order to develop a sham space experience for other rich men (and women).

Is he saying that it's worth killing off a few pilots for this? In that case he should be with them on every flight of that bogus space plane, to lend moral support. Then he would earn the right to speak like that.

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So long, thanks for all the ...er, FISH BRIGHTER than boffins thought

Anomalous Cowshed

Re: I had zebra fish ...

If they could live for longer and travel on land, or worse, in the air, then they might indeed supersede humanity. There is in fact already one intelligent octopus-like Being with tentacles, or Noodly Appendages, as they are known among his priests. Fortunately, it is benevolent to us lesser mortals.

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NASA: Spacecraft crash site FOUND ON MOON RIM

Anomalous Cowshed

Ah

Ah, Laddy...Cheese Grommit!

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Storage, probably like a college girl buying a belt. Be ready for the freshman 15

Anomalous Cowshed

Re: Still waiting for someone to invent an "engine" for "search"...

Oh, you cheeky bastards, I've just looked it up!!! Thanks!

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Anomalous Cowshed

Excuse me

Not having been a college girl, what's a freshman 15?

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WHITE HOUSE network DOWN: Nation-sponsored attack likely

Anomalous Cowshed

Modern, media-oriented deductive empiricism at work

The Russians have the capacity, therefore it is the Russians who done it. QED.

We are definitely making progress in our quest to refine popular logic.

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'It's NOT a fishing expedition', say police over random spot checks on gun owners

Anomalous Cowshed

It's not a fishing expedition, I swear

It's a rabbit hunting expedition. They're bad them rabbits around 'ere. Worse than fish, much worse. You've all seen what they can do, in that documentary...what was it called? Something about a holy grail. That's who we're hunting. Did I say 'who'? I meant 'what'. Run along, now. Nothing to see here, tally ho!

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CATACLYSMIC Sun BELCH causes hour-long RADIO BLACKOUT in SPAAACE

Anomalous Cowshed

Re: Sun's latest FIERY BURP

N'est-ce-pas, my dear fellow. Comme-ci, comme-ça as they say on the other side of ze Chanel.

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