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* Posts by Anomalous Cowshed

413 posts • joined 16 Aug 2012

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Hello, police, El Reg here. Are we a bunch of terrorists now?

Anomalous Cowshed
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"People shouldn't be afraid of their governments; Governments should be afraid of their people!"

But that's precisely the problem: all governments are afraid of their people, which is why they spend so much time, money and resources, one might even say, ingenuity, in attempting to control or repress them. Because as government inevitably tends towards "government of the masses by the elites" it becomes increasingly important to the elites to remain in government and avoid being lawfully or violently demoted to the ranks of the governed masses.

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Gigantic toothless 'DRAGONS' dominated Earth's early skies

Anomalous Cowshed
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Re: Not a Dragon....

Not all dragons are mythical creatures that breathe fire.

There are dragons which breathe fire metaphorically.

In fact, there are quite a few of those living in cities around us. Some of us even have one or two lurking around our very own homes. One particular species is known in pub jargon as "@%!?!!" *.

* In English = mother-in-losorus.

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Dozens of COPS cuffed in Turkish Prime Minister's wiretap probe

Anomalous Cowshed
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It's weird

This morning we hear of cops being puzzled about a chicken crossing the road.

This evening cops are being arrested over a Turkey.

Is there a weird conspiracy going on, or am I stoned?

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Cops baffled by riddle of CHICKEN who crossed ROAD

Anomalous Cowshed
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Re: because...

Old McDonald had a farm, Eieio

And in this farm there was a pig, Eieio

And "step out of the car"

And "you're under arrest"

"Don't this, do that" - "That's it I'm out of here!"

Old McDonald had a farm, Eieio.

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Anomalous Cowshed
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because...

It's Friday, and...it's not Friday? Oh yes it is. In this universe, today is Friday...the 42nd.

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A-level results: Before you smile at that jump-for-joy snap...

Anomalous Cowshed
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Bad news for the AMMU (Association of Mickey Mouse Universities)

News that A-level students were opting for apprenticeships in IT was greeted with scorn by the Chancellor of Michael M. Ouse University, Champagne, Indiana.

"Our Media Studies MA and pre-Doctorate degree course is the best in the world and applications are up 50% over 2013, in spite of a 30% rise in fees. The syllabus, which keeps changing to keep up with sociological and technological developments is unique and is constantly being emulated by the other members of the A.M.M.U. worldwide."

YEAR 1 SYLLABUS:

Core courses

- General Facebook studies

- Analysing Facebook posts

- Advanced (multimedia) posting on Facebook

- How to make the most of your/somebody else's iphone

- Paper shuffling for beginners

Optional courses

- An introduction to farting apps and why they are important

- Google+ studies

- An introduction to Blue Ray Recorder (formerly VCR) programming

- An introduction to iphone Apps

- Intermediate paper shuffling

Not Recommended but available on request:

- Foundation Course in Common Sense

- Developing a realistic attitude of one's job opportunities upon completing this course (includes yoga and meditation)

- Setting the clock on any oven

YEAR 2 AVAILABLE ON DEMAND

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FEAST YOUR EYES: Samsung's Galaxy Alpha has an 'entirely new appearance'

Anomalous Cowshed
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i disagree

I disagree with the sarcastic statements of my fellow commentards. For me the shape of the new Samsung Alpha and its intuitive and deeply democratic design is a revolution and ushers in a brave new world. I have never seen such perfection, such attention to detail, such a courageous departure from the boring, endlessly replayed conventions of the smartphone industry. Laugh now while you can. Over the coming months, the tremendous marketing and legal brains at Samsung and countless firms of great renown in these august fields will be laying bare the unique genius behind this amazing design, confounding the cynics and paving the way for sales of millions of Galaxy Alpha. Then we will see who will be laughing all the way to the bank. The world will never be the same again.

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Crypto Daddy Phil Zimmerman says surveillance society is DOOMED

Anomalous Cowshed
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Defeat of slavery

I've always wondered why an anti-slavery movement began in Britain at the end of the 18th century and became so popular in this country, which had built many of its greatest cities and fortunes on the money made from trafficking black people across the ocean - and which continued to build its prosperity on the back of the exploitation of the poor around the world, including of course in Britain itself. All of a sudden, a movement arose against slavery, with heroic proponents of an end to this barbaric trade. Could this have anything to do with US independence, I kept wondering? The dates certainly appeared to line up, roughly: 1776 (US Independence); 1787 start of a mass-movement which culminated 46 years later in the abolition of slavery in the British colonies. Could it be that the fact that the slave trade was a key element of the prosperity of the new US state, which was repeatedly aligned against Britain, might have had anything to do with this sudden moral fervour on the part of the British establishment? Cut off the supply of slaves...that's almost like cutting off the supply of oil today, no? It's a cynical way of looking at something which, eventually, did a lot of good for a lot of people.

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Intel forced to shoot down viral 'Israeli boycott' whopper

Anomalous Cowshed
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De Tchooten!!! Again!!!

Chronology of ze evil Tchooten

0 AD - Zey kill Tchesus

800-1600 AD - Zey kill babies and eat flat bread baked von ze blood von ze babies

1933-1945 - Ve gently try to convince zem to stop being naughty

1948-today - But insted, Zey continue killing babies and vomen in ze Middle East with ze help of zeir evil Amerikan frends.

Vot is rong mit dies people?

Und de Sauerkraut mit de Viener Schnitzel von die Tchooten!!!

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Brit kids match 45-year-old fogies' tech skill level by the age of 6

Anomalous Cowshed
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Tech skills

As usual, a nice dollop of bollock[s] coming from the world of officialdom.

In other news:

Cats more savvy than their owners at using cat-flaps

Dogs more savvy at fetching sticks and bringing them back

Cows more savvy than gardeners at eating grass

Yuppies more savvy at driving BMWs than their bosses

A 6-year-old IS more savvy using various iphones and what-have-you. But this is consumption of technology. The 45-year-old might be a master system designer or programmer, responsible for designing the technology used by the 6-year-old, but not particularly versed in or interested in being versed in using such technology to enhance/dampen his life. That's OK.

The problem is this: will this alleged 'tech-savviness' lead the 6-year-old to want to explore further, and him/herself become a master system designer or programmer? Or will the availability of countless convenient devices and applications designed by 45-year-old master system designers or programmers lead the 6-year-olds to grow up in such a comfortable and convenient environment that they wrongly believing that using iphones and what-have-you is the be-all and end-all of tech-savviness?

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REGULAR FISTING is GOOD for your HEALTH, says respected surveyor

Anomalous Cowshed
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Re: "When Barack Obama and his wife fisted each other"

BREAKING NEWS:

People around the country woke up this morning with an extremely strange feeling - a mixture of relief, freedom and harmony, as politicians from around the world took to fisting and shafting each other for a change, leaving people in peace after millennia of interference, self-interested mismanagement and murderous exploitation...Analysts blame a shady gang of marijuana traffickers who are said to have infiltrated political circles at the highest echelons.

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Anomalous Cowshed
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Re: "When Barack Obama and his wife fisted each other"

Next step: politicians shafting each other.

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Anomalous Cowshed
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"When Barack Obama and his wife fisted each other"

How refreshing to hear of politicians taking a break from fisting all of us and doing it instead with their spouses. This is a positive development which will bring many benefits, not just halt the spread of germs. It should be encouraged. Let Mr. and Mrs. Obama be an example to all of you in Capitol Hill / Westminster / ...

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Tesla and Panasonic to build NOT-SO-SECRET GigaFactory in US

Anomalous Cowshed
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Hello?

Tesla Bod - Hello? This is Tesla Motors. Am I speaking to Factory Zinc? I mean Factories Inc?

Factories Inc. - Yes. What can we do you for today?

TB - Well we want a factory, to make batteries, like, if you see what I mean...for cars.

FI - Aha. What kind of factory were you thinking of?

TB - Well, a biggish one, like, big, you know, kind of thing.

FI - Can you be more specific? Do you want a maxi factory, a mega factory, a giga factory? Or a monster factory?

TB - Er...I don't know, tell me how much do they cost?

FI - The maxi is $ 50 million. The Mega is $ 200 million. The giga is $1 billion and the monster is $10 billion.

TB - We were thinking more around the lines of $ 12.5 million.

FI - Oh I see. Well, actually, we've got a special promotion on giga factories running next week. If you can do without a few unnecessary bits and bobs, we can bring the price right down.

TB - What, you mean like no car park, no lobby, that kind of thing? It would be difficult for us to cope without these things.

FI - On the contrary, this would be a US factory. There's got to be a car park and a lobby. But do you really need a production line?

TB - Er...I thought that's the whole point of a factory.

FI - It used to be, but these days many of our clients are opting for new-style PR factories. You can do away with the production lines, the machines, the safety equipment, the big shed that normally covers it all, and of course the pesky blue-collar workers. All you need is a nice car park, some landscaping and a lobby with a few offices behind. You can import the goods from China. We can set it all up for you for $ 12 million. That means you get your giga factory AND you have some change to buy yourself some cake and eat it.

TB - That's amazing. We'll go for that!

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NASA boffin: RIDDLE of odd BULGE FOUND on MOON is SOLVED

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has anyone ever wondered why they call it the MOOn

Cheese, lemon...please, all this is rather trivial.

There is an ancient tale...archaeologists, astronomers and other experts, sifting through the remains of ancient libraries are said to have unearthed evidence that once upon a time the moon was much closer to Earth, and much smaller than it is today.

It is said that a species of bovine is known to have, at least on one occasion, 'jumped over' it, under suspicious circumstances - with certain animals of the feline family acting rather unusually in respect of specific musical instruments, and cutlery behaving in a rather unbecoming manner with items of crockery, all suggesting a kind of primordial situation, with much lower gravity, but higher magnetic forces and far greater concentrations of nitrous oxide in the atmosphere.

Before any pedantic and well informed commentards pull me up on this, I hasten to add that there were other symptoms of this general disruption in the conditions we take for granted these days, but they appear to have slipped out of my mind.

Some people believe that at least part of the text is symbolic, and not meant to be taken literally, but there are many, especially among the young, who consider that this is a true story. Therefore it deserves to be treated more seriously and maybe even analyzed by boffins.

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Too rich for an iPhone 6? How about a gold-plated Brikk?

Anomalous Cowshed
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the article fails to mention one advantage

If the phone gets brikked, it's no longer a fault, it's part of the design! Saves a lot of frustration, well worth paying a bit extra for. After all it's only pocket change.

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Indian techies-in-training face down MAN-EATING LEOPARD - and WIN

Anomalous Cowshed
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Re: Fauna.

Someone once rang the bell at my house. I opened the door, looked around, there was nobody there. Then I looked down and saw the most massive slug on my doorstep. I was so shocked, I gave it an almighty kick that sent it flying all the way down the street.

One evening, 25 years later, I'd just come back from work, when there was another ring at the door. I opened it, and imagine my surprise when I saw...a huge, ancient and battered-looking slug, slithering on the doorstep.

It stared up at me and suddenly said reproachfully: "Why did you do that, mate?"

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Feel free to BONK on the TUBE, says Transport for London

Anomalous Cowshed
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what's all this about weekly capping?

What if you only use the tube, train or buses 2 or 3 days a week, but a lot. Are you going to get nailed for the cost of up to 2-3 travelcards each time? How will you be able to check? And how difficult will it be to get money back if you think they've overcharged you? And what about the fines if you forget to tap the card at one end of the journey, as can easily be the case at stations without barriers if you happen to be absentminded? Will they be capped too? Or are we going to have a ball, as with parking fines? The paper ticket insulates you against such worries, surely it's better just for that reason...

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Beancounters tell NASA it's too poor to fly planned mega-rocket

Anomalous Cowshed
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Certain cuts will have to be made, say the bean counters

Bean counter final report (20000 pages). Ultra-summarised conclusions:

1. "Er, do we really need 7 crew members? Surely we could do with 6...what about 5? 4? I mean, it's the symbolic value that counts, right? It doesn't matter how many of them there are, at the end of the day. Let's say we settle for just 1 crew member, that should slice $ 200 million off the price".

2. "Now, 2 solid fuel boosters, that's expensive, mate, and also difficult to sort out, as you've seen. Let's assume we were to drop one of these troublesome boosters. That would slice another $100 million off the price. Isn't that cool?"

3. "Just imagine the savings if you were to remove that other annoying booster! But we'll get to that later."

4. "I hear you say: cutting the booster means we cannot afford to have any astronauts on board. Well, the fact that you've already agreed to remove 6 out of the originally planned 7 astronauts, means that quite clearly, that last one is not all that important after all. If you were to cut that last astronaut, it would merely be equivalent to 1/6th of the cuts that you operated before (see 1 above). What's the big deal? Cut the last astronaut, replace him with a robot arm and a camera, and you can slice $ 50 million off the shortfall."

5. "Having taken out the last astronaut, I'm sure you'll agree that according to your calculations, we can now run the rocket without any of the boosters. That means we can now take out the second solid fuel booster, saving a further $ 100 million!"

6. "We've now saved $ 450 million, which means we've covered the saving of the $ 400 million shortfall, and a small part of our fee. Now for the rest of our fee, we need to think outside the box, and brainstorm. Ready? Think about it for a moment. You ain't gonna have any astronauts on your rocket. So at the end of the day, you don't really need it - the rocket I mean. After all, there are other people out there, Russians, Indians, Chinamen, who have rockets of their own. You could ask them to lend you their rockets. Think how much you could save and how happy people would be, if you cancelled that rocket of yours outright, and replaced it by a nice corporate video explaining the savings you've made!"

7. "Well, we'll tell you how much you could save, because we've worked it out: you could save another $ 1 billion! That should enable you to meet our fees for the consultancy and accountancy work we've been doing for the past 5 years, culminating in this work. Absolutely spiffy, no?"

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Lawyer reviewing terror laws and special powers: Definition of 'terrorism' is too broad

Anomalous Cowshed
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The definition of terrorism is too broad

I protest, the definition of terrorism is not broad enough.

Let us consider a few salient facets of the definition of terrorism:

Average person's definition of terrorism: an act committed by a nasty man, most often dark of skin, involving shooting or bombs, most often 'in the Middle East'. We are protected from terrorism by 'police', 'the security forces' and CCTV cameras.

Government definition of terrorism: Potentially any act committed by a terrorist, i.e. a member of the public. Acts of terrorism are to be repressed by passing laws rubber-stamped by what is known as a 'parliament'. They are to be repressed by 'police', 'the security forces' and CCTV cameras.

Press definition of terrorism: Any act committed by any person whom the government contends is a terrorist.

Terrorist* definition of terrorism: the government, acting through the 'police' and 'the security services'.

* Member of the public arrested by the 'police' or 'the security forces' or what-have-you, for committing whatever-it-may-be.

Drunken bastard's definition of terrorism, sitting dazed on the pavement outside a pub at 11:30pm on a Saturday night : "f*** off you c***!"

Taking all these definitions together:

Global definition of terrorism: anything done by anyone which you don't agree with. So f*** off you c***!

As you can see, there is room for an even wider definition of terrorism.

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GoTenna: How does this 'magic' work?

Anomalous Cowshed
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Re: "... We are operating at the limits of physics,"...

... Professor Wagadogo of the University of Balaloosha grunted.

"Now look at this, youngsters!"

He pulled a tiny square box from his pocket. He pressed on one side of it, and a section of the box slid out, revealing row upon row of minute little sticks each topped with a reddish blob at the end. It was a matchbox. Some of the students in the audience had seen similar ones before, in the 20th century section of the Balaloosha District history museum.

Then Wagadogo pulled one of the matches and struck it against the box. A bright flame appeared at the end of the tiny stick, drawing muffled gasps of amazement from the lecture theatre.

"How does this magic happen? said Wagadogo, pushing away one particularly reckless and annoying student who was about to get his hand burnt. "Don't touch it you id...Brilliant Hope of the New Generation! We are at the very limits of Chemistry!"

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CAIDA to survey peers, colo sheds and ISPs for new map of internet

Anomalous Cowshed
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Breaking news - CAIDA announces its new artificial intelligence system

University of California, July 21 2015

CAIDA today announced its new artificial intelligence system, christened "AI-CAIDA", which it is hoped will increase government and press awareness of and interest in this laudable initiative.

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The Sun took a day off last week and made NO sunspots

Anomalous Cowshed
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Ah incandescent lightbulbs!

In response to the foregoing commentard's mention of incandescent bulbs:

O lightbulb, incandescent !

Thou shining beacon

Lighting the many sleepless nights

of my misspent youth!

How I miss your brazen filament

Your faithful brightness

Your prompt response

Whenever I invoked thee!

No longer do men look

Upon your shining light

As a blessing in the dark

But as a blight upon the world

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Financial wizardess joins Apple board, air of coolness noticeably diminishes

Anomalous Cowshed
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Re: "fruity fuhrer Tim Cook"

Cor that's both extreme and hilarious. But it also probably means 10 more years in the wilderness for The Register with no invitations to Apple press dos. Or as Mr. Cook might say, "If ve had our vey, zose inglish bastards vould spend zoze ten years in a konzentration kampf"

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NUDE SNAPS AGENCY: NSA bods love 'showing off your saucy selfies'

Anomalous Cowshed
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Not a popular hypothesis, but what if...

A few years ago, I recall the US authorities issuing public warnings to US corporations and executives about the need for greater encryption, stronger passwords and more awareness of computer security in general.

I don't think their warnings were heeded much.

What if they realised that the problem was getting out of control, and decided to find a way to set it right?

It makes sense that given the universal prevalence of intellectual property, business secrets and connected computing devices, any cyber-espionage wars will be won or lost on the millions of computers, connected devices and networks in the USA, UK, France, Germany, etc. No one government agency can possibly counter all the possible threats, all the time.

So far we've been assuming that Mr. Snowden is a genuine whistleblower, who has somehow managed to escape the USA with masses of 'incriminating' documents, which sow terror in people's minds about the fact that big brother is watching them and listening to them all the time, collecting our personal data, reading our e-mails, listening to our phone calls...and now looking at and sharing our naked pictures. Whatever rocks our boat, really.

However, what if Mr. Snowden is just a plant by the US Government, precisely to sow fear into our minds and make us sufficiently concerned about the threat of cyber-surveillance and spying to encourage us to start paying more attention to computer security? In other words, to enlist us in this war?

After all, the net effect of the 'Snowden Affair' has been to make us more aware of these threats, and of the need to pay more attention to computer security...

It's just a possibility. Outside the reality distortion field of the media, I find it difficult to take this story at face value. It just doesn't smell right.

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Child diagnosed as allergic to iPad

Anomalous Cowshed
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Places that are bad for your skin

You complain about nickel being bad for people's skin? There are bigger problems out there. There are whole regions - even countries, that can get your body irritated.

For instance:

Russia gives me rashes

Greenwich makes me itch

Catarrh gives me...er, sorry mistake here

Please continue the list as my mind is a bit rusty this morning...

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MPs wave through Blighty's 'EMERGENCY' surveillance laws

Anomalous Cowshed
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Slowly slowly, little by little...

Our governments are entrenching themselves further and further away from the people, using endless arrays of rules, coercive measures and repressive weapons to increase the chasm of power between individuals and the barely legitimate, increasingly bloated and nebulous organisations that purports to have the authority to govern them at will.

We are being increasingly encouraged to live our lives under permanent semi-voluntary surveillance (smartphones for convenience, Internet connections for work and entertainment, CCTV cameras "for our safety"). Does anyone wonder, nowadays, about the reason why governments are so keen to ensure that everyone has access to an Internet connection?

Meanwhile, the means of coercion and the weapons of repression are getting increasingly sophisticated. We are potentially monitored and tracked all the time. And if we step out of line, there are endless ways in which we can be controlled and repressed. Having read about the smart bullets with a range of 7 km and the drones and all the other repressive technology only available to the organised gangs in uniforms, you can imagine how difficult it would be to make a stand against them-for instance if they were to somehow change their attitude and decide to get a bit heavier with us, as we are told is the case in some so-called primitive dictatorships. If we were to suddenly have a rude awakening from the morass soporific consumerism and mind-addling entertainment in which we are mired, how far would we get trying to stand up to the system? How can the individual hold his own against "the boys in blue/green/grey/name it"?

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D-Wave to bust 1,000-qubit barrier with new quantum compute device

Anomalous Cowshed
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Introducing the new homeopathy computer

A computer produced by immersing a top of the range processor in hydrogen fluoride acid for a year, then diluting the outcome 100 times, until there is no more evidence of the presence of a single molecule of silicon in the mix, then adding sugar and smacking the resulting mixture in the bowl three times very hard to make it "superconducting" and "clever".

This computer can solve any problem.

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Space geeks' resurrected NASA Sun probe ISEE-3 now on collision course with THE MOON

Anomalous Cowshed
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Old McDonald

Man, these Old McDonalds do certainly get up to all kinds of larks. One of them used to have a farm, with various animals, always one of each. That business plan clearly didn't scale much, since many, many years later, he was still known to be running the farm with the same number of animals, give or take the odd new one. Perhaps he should have tried running the place with 2 instead of just one animal of each species, preferably one male and one female...Who knows whether that would have worked. And yet, despite this lack of success, everybody has heard of him, he must be the most famous farmer in the English-speaking world. How do you explain that? Now, though, just as we had written off the entire clan of Old McDonalds, along comes another one and branches out unexpectedly into hosting spacecraft hackers. This has come as a bit of a surprise, but it looks like you cannot predict what an Old McDonald might do next. So...watch this space!

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Dubai to get HUGE climate-controlled DOMED CITY and giga-mall

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The indoor city will use environmental technology to reduce energy consumption and carbon emissions

This is like when they say: "We're building this massive skyscraper in London / Dubai / My Dong, and it is designed with environmentally friendly techniques approved by [insert name of highly respectable yet bogus smelling organisation] to dramatically cut its energy consumption" conveniently omitting that the construction and running of the thing will cause enormous expenditure of energy and environmental damage, which in most cases, but for the lining of the pockets of developers and their associates, could have been avoided.

As my respected cousin, Anonymous Coward, wrote a little higher, Dubai could really throw a trump card by producing masses of electricity / drinking water / hydrogen / what-have-you using the massive quantities of sunshine which they are blessed with. Or at least, build this indoor city to fleece the rich of this world but with solar panels all over it on heat insulation panels, with a narrow gaps between them to provide gentle sunlight below, so as not to waste the space or the energy. Now that would make sense.

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Five arrested over money-grubbing fake UK.gov shocker

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"copycat websites con folks out of money for passports, driving tests and tax discs"

Today the police continued their round of arrests, nabbing one of the ringleaders. A Mr. D. Cameron of Downing Street, London, was arrested at his home. A police spokeswoman said that the suspected perpetrator was known to have a severe cat fetish, having previously been in trouble with the law for attempting to flog fake cat videos. "Just like drug users, who all start off smoking marijuana before graduating to hard drugs and crime, the perpetrator was soon sliding down a slippery slope towards attempting to launch copy cat web sites" said the spokeswoman, who added that she had no idea what had given him or previous offenders like him the idea of selling passports, driving tests and tax disks to members of the public.

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NASA stitches 3.2 gigapixel 'Global Selfie' mosaic

Anomalous Cowshed
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Re: Well that explains the budget cuts

Oh Bollocks of dog! You see this in completely the wrong way.

Like Britain entering the post-industrial age, NASA is entering the 'post-rocketry' age.

Now that so many countries can fire rockets into space, it's no longer cool or interesting to try to do so any more. Nobody really cares, and there's a lot of Engineering involved, which is expensive and...mostly boring. Management, PR, social networking, outreach, are more the in-thing nowadays, and NASA's genius lies in how it is able to combine 'space' which, let's face it, is only of interest to a minority [of mostly weirdos], and cool PR / social networking, which has a far broader appeal. No other space agency comes close to NASA now in terms of media and PR, except perhaps the British Space Agency, which has always been the one to follow in this respect.

The benefit is lower costs, so everyone's a winner.

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550 reasons to buy this book for your beloved: COCKROACHES of Oz

Anomalous Cowshed
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Cockroach anecdote

Once upon a time, I lived in a room in a hostel that attracted the odd cockroach. These were big, brown, flying beasts. I used to try to evacuate them from my room by opening a window and harassing them with a broom until they flew out.

Once, however, I returned from a night out to find a cockroach on the wall near my bed, and this cockroach, rather than fly out of the window, crawled under the bed. Now, the bed was a bit past its prime, with the result that the mattress was no longer supported by the grille above the floor, and had slumped down. So I could not try to get the cockroach out from beneath the bed and I was too tired to move the whole bed, and worried that it would fall to pieces anyway if I did so.

So I went to sleep, with some misgivings: I knew this wasn't the last I would hear of the cockroach.

In the middle of the night, I had a series of dreams; in one of them, someone was touching me lightly on the chest. I awoke. It was the cockroach, walking along my chest! I got up and frantically shook it away from me. The bastard darted down for safety...into my boxer shorts!!! After some dancing to get it off my b****cks, I managed to get rid of it.

The same thing had happened to me on a beach, at night, a few years earlier, as I was trying to flirt with a pretty girl - I mean, the bit about a cockroach getting into my underpants. She couldn't make out why I was suddenly disco dancing in the utter quiet of a deserted beach, beneath the moon and the stars...

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Canuck cops cuff teen suspect in swatter-for-hire case

Anomalous Cowshed
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Swatting causes extreme distress and injury to police

Said Lieutenant Bzzzz, a senior fly working with the police department.

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So, just how do you say 'the mutt's nuts' in French?

Anomalous Cowshed
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Les couilles du clebs

As emeritus professor of Freunch at a renowned Mickey Mouse university, I believe the correct translation into French is:

Zeu deug's bolleucks

Where 'deug' stands for 'member of the canis canis tribe of the canides species, and 'bolleucks' is a colloquialism which depicts the external gonads of a male animal

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Five unbelievable headlines that claim Tim Berners-Lee 'INVENTED the INTERNET'

Anomalous Cowshed
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Re: Idiots

Al Gore? Isn't he the one who invented global warming?

Oops.

I'll get me coat...no my swimsuit and suntan lotion...oh, no! A spade then, to dig myself out of a hole...

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Brit boffins brew up blight-resistant FRANKENSPUD

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Sainsbury laboratory in Cambridge

Meanwhile, scientists at the Tesco laboratory in Oxford insisted that they would be the first to market with a potato that resists blight AND is more oil absorbent to produce better fries.

But researchers at the Fotnum & Mason laboratory in down-at-heel St. James announced that potatoes were not fashionable and recommended that customers looking for a budget alternative opt for truffles, which go well with a grouse or venison dish.

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Modern spying 101: How NSA bugs Chinese PCs with tiny USB radios - NYT

Anomalous Cowshed
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FUD

Incoming signal: "FUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUDFUD"

Oooh, matron, it's just interference!

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US BACKDOORED our satellites, claim UAE

Anomalous Cowshed
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"FUD" by Anomalous Cowshed

Jones was sitting at his desk, smoking a cigar - a habit which he'd fought hard to preserve, despite the endless hints dropped by a number of ladies from the typing pool. But then Jones was a gruff individual, not the kind of man to give in readily to such female pressure. He also kept a bottle of bourbon locked in a drawer under his desk which he would bring out to toast a special occasion. Not today though.

The telephone rang. "Mr. Jones, it's Philips. We've finally cracked it!" said an excited voice on the other end of the line.

Jones grunted. The other man continued "We've got our universal transliterator. We've tested it on Chang, and it relayed the meaning of what he was saying in Mandarin, the exact meaning. You should have seen his face - I mean Chang's. He was utterly flabbergasted."

"Bring it in" said Jones, sceptically. He found these kinds of excitable claims made over the phone particularly annoying. If what Philips was saying was true, then he should like to find out at first hand. Jones took out the key to that drawer under his desk from his pocket and laid it on top of the desk itself, just in case. They'd been trying to develop the Transliterator for years. Yet no matter how many resources and manpower they threw at it, no matter how much processing power, memory, and clever programming they tried to incorporate into it, it was always a failure. A dismal failure which was diverting precious funds from other, more down-to-earth projects...

Ten minutes later, there was a sharp knock at the door, and before waiting for him to say "enter", two men dressed in lab coats erupted into the room. One was Philips, a gaunt, bespectacled scientist who today was wearing a most uncharacteristic enthusiastic expression. The other, a gentleman of Asian appearance. Chang, no doubt, thought Jones. The Asian-looking man was also showing signs of glee.

"We've got it" said Philips while his colleague nodded furiously. "It works, it really does!"

"Show me" said Jones. He grabbed hold of a remote control and switched on the huge, concealed flat-panel television integrated into the wall opposite. An attractive woman appeared, sitting rather formally at a magnificent desk. She was facing right into the screen, and appeared to be talking in a deliberate and solemn manner at the men in the room. It was a news programme. She was conveying weighty matters and it seemed that the very fate of the world hinged upon each word that flowed out of her lips.

“Run it” said Jones with a nod of the head towards the screen. Philips walked up to the desk, took something out of his lab coat’s pocket and set it down on Jones’ desk.

It was not at all what Jones had expected: a small spherical device, silvery all over, with no apparent connections, whether for power or anything else.

“It’s new technology, Mr. Jones” said Philips proudly, noting his boss’s incredulous glance. “We’ve manage to develop a thristor chip which demodulates reality in the quantic plane…”

“Just show me how it works” interrupted Jones, who wanted to avoid being swamped by what were to him incomprehensible technical specifications. “You can tell me about the innards later.”

“Yes, Sir” said Philips. He gently touched the device. The men in the room were silent, while the woman continued to talk at them / at the hidden camera in front of her.

Suddenly, there was a beep. The sphere on the desk glowed purple.

Jones turned the television off. Philips then touched the sphere again. There was an awkward moment’s silence.

Then suddenly, the sphere began to talk! At first Jones was amazed. However, he and the others soon realised that something was wrong. The machine kept repeating the same incomprehensible sound – a single syllable: “Fud. Fud. Fud…” Philips and Chang exchanged horrified glances.

“Fud. Fud. Fud. Fud.” said the little machine.

Jones took the key to the drawer which concealed the bottle of bourbon, and pocketed it with a tinge of regret. He felt slightly annoyed, but also quite amused at how disconcerted the others looked.

He gave them a look as severe as he could muster. “Back to the drawing book, gentlemen. Thank you for bringing it in”. They immediately caught the hint.

“Fud. Fud. Fud.” said the little sphere as Philips pocketed it in a hurry, trying frantically to turn it off, without success, and left the room with Chang in tow. “Fud. Fud. Fud.” it kept saying as they made their way down the corridor.

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Ross Ulbricht: 'Oi! Give me back my $34m in Silk Road Bitcoin booty'

Anomalous Cowshed
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The biggest seizure of Bitcoin in US history

Are you sure?

I seem to recall a previous seizure during the American Civil War, which was much worse than this one.

There was also Bitcoin Tea Party, before US independence, when all the Bitcoin aboard a ship got thrown into the sea in Boston.

Or have I mixed up my history a bit?

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Blighty could put a (WO)MAN on MARS by 2040, says sci minister

Anomalous Cowshed
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Cooperation

It's nice to see that the UK is still able to do great things in the world.

We have the ability to mediate between great powers to encourage cooperation.

We have more managers per capita than any other nation, and our degrees in paper pushing are second to none. We can offer that too.

We also have the ability to make the reality TV show charting the progress of the negotiations over cooperation. That's not the same thing as the reality TV show about the actual Mars Mission itself. But it's a step in the right direction, and it shows that the UK is right up there with...with Tuvalu and other media-savvy countries.

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Submerged Navy submarine successfully launches drone from missile tubes

Anomalous Cowshed
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Re: Oh boy, another toy

or a community centre for the special forces community...

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Brit inventors' GRAVITY POWERED LIGHT ships out after just 1 year

Anomalous Cowshed
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What happened...

What happened to those hand-cranked or hand-squeezed torches?

They cost far less than this - indeed they were being given away as promotional gifts by companies - are far less cumbersome, and the way I see it, could achieve much the same outcome, if not better, with less hassle and outlay. I used to have one myself.

Wouldn't something like that be more convenient than this latest amazing contraption with its secret converter of potential energy into electric energy? And why isn't it in widespread use / or is it?

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Swollen Reg reader recounts FALSE WIDOW spider HORROR

Anomalous Cowshed
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Your mate

Your mate breeds urticating hairs? And then uses them on you as a fiberglass sponge?

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World Trade Organisation chief warns global deals are ABOUT TO TANK

Anomalous Cowshed
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"Not a single human being living in poverty anywhere in the world will be better-off if we fail...

What turn of phrase! What scope for deniability! What outstanding mastery of cunning linguistics!

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Qatar whips covers off giant footballing vagina

Anomalous Cowshed
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Bah - Catarrh

I would have expected them to build a stadium shaped like a giant nose, not a c**t.

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Meet the FOUR-TON DINO that made little Tyrannosaurs SOIL THEMSELVES

Anomalous Cowshed
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WARNING!

He's escaped from his cage in Redmond, Washington! The 4 ton Balmerosaurus Microsoftii (DO NOT BE MISLED BY THAT REASSURING LATIN SOUNDING TERM) is on the prowl, he's out of controllllllllllllllllll!!!

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If this doesn't terrify you... Google's computers OUTWIT their humans

Anomalous Cowshed
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Other Google announcements which didn't make it into the global media

We programmed this loop, that's a thing which tells the computer to do something again and again, many times, and when we tested it, all of a sudden, the computer started going crazy...it refused to stop...it kept going, as though it had a mind of its own...luckily we were able to find the plug and we pulled it. It was terrifying! Imagine what could have happened if we hadn't been able to switch it off!

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'I'm BIG, I'm BALD and I'm LOUD!' Blubbering Ballmer admits HE was Microsoft's problem

Anomalous Cowshed
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What a performance!

A Greekcapitalistic tragedy in 1 act

Billionaire CEO cultivates a brash and unsophisticated image, earning everybody's scorn and ridicule.

Years pass, the company appears to stagnate somewhat, the share price stagnates.

Billionaire CEO then announces resignation with tears.

The share price climbs sharply, predictably (which is what being a CEO is all about).

Billionaire CEO, who is a major shareholder of the company, makes huge profits as a result of the manoeuvre, so do all the other shareholders.

Billionaire CEO cries and says he is a "fat, bald buffoon" and he was "forced out".

Then he laughs all the way to the bank.

The end.

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