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* Posts by i like crisps

393 posts • joined 14 Jun 2012

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Bono: Apple will sort out monetising music where the labels failed

i like crisps
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Trollface

Dear Mr Hewson,

Can you do the whole world a favour and just give up on making any more music and just go back to doing what you do best, that is, focus on your sucessful 'Dog Food' business after which you nick-named yourself (Bonio)

Yours sincerely,

My Ear Drums

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Oi, London thief. We KNOW what you're doing - our PRECRIME system warned us

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Big Brother

"Don't leave home without it"...

...i think that was for American Express, but as regards crime, just leave your mobile at home if you're going to commit some....simples....but obviously DON'T commit crime.

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Who on Earth would buy a digi-watch? Answer: NUDISTS - in their millions

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Paris Hilton

Dear 'Nude Supremo',

My 15 yr old Timex doesn't have a 'camera' either, so please don't encourage the purchase of this thing.

When you throw off your clothes also throw off the shackles of 'Modern Life'. Leave your electronic shite at home and truly be one with nature.

Paris: as she's been nude quite a few times!

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City hidden beneath England's Stonehenge had HUMAN ABATTOIR. And a pub

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Pint

Forget the 'WHEEL'...

BEER!!!! is the one true marker of a civilizations passage through time.

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Smart meters in UK homes will only save folks a lousy £26 a year

i like crisps
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Holmes

CATCH 22

If you cut your usage of Gas and Electric, then those utilities companys profits go DOWN. To counteract this they put their prices UP to make up the shortfall in lost revenue. Until the utilities, Gas, Electric and Water are brought back under 'State' control or are made into Not-For-Profit organisations, we are going to be ripped off.

....oh yeah, FUCK your Smart Meters.

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Forget silly privacy worries - help biometrics firms make MILLIONS

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Big Brother

" FINGERPRINTS"

What's next, a 'Stool Sample app'?

Seriously though, if you were to walk into Tescos and some stranger came up to you and asked for your fingerprints would you hand them over? I bet you would wouldn't you, just to get some extra 'Nectar Points'.

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Quit drooling, fanbois - haven't you SEEN what the iPhone 6 costs?

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"...haven't you seen what the iPhone 6 costs?"

Yup....about 40% more in this country than the US.....stop subsidising the yanks, thanks.

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TROUT and EELS in SINISTER PACT to RULE the oceans

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I SMELL A FRANCHISE

Just add the word MEGA before TROUT & EEL and voila a movie cash cow is born......hands off, i thought of it first.

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Show us your Five-Eyes SECRETS says Privacy International

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Big Brother

Re: Sauce for the goose

I really don't have a problem being spied on by China, Russia, Saudi Arabia or Iran, they're the enemy, thats what they're supposed to do. What i have got a problem with, is being spied on by a bunch of 'Middle Class FUCKHEADS' in Cheltenham, who seem to thimk its their 'right' to surveil us from the moment we fall out of our mothers cunts till the day we peg it!.........or am i just taking life a little bit too seriously?

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Snowden shouldn't be extradited to US if he testifies about NSA spying, says Swiss gov

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Facepalm

TEMPTING....But it'll all end in tears.

....If you're thinking of going Mr Snowden, then don't forget to pack your 'kevlar underpants' and take a 'Food Taster' with you.

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Drones swarm over bearded Brit billionaire's island getaway

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Trollface

Re: Sour grapes much?

See Icon.

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i like crisps
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Trollface

Maybe, instead of investing in 3D Robotics....

...Mr Branston should invest in a smoke alarm? I'm sure his insurance company would agree.

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General Motors to intro HANDS-FREE DRIVING tech by 2016

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My mates had 'Hands Free' driving for years!

yeah, started about the same time he got a 'Smart Phone'...yeah, you rarely see his hands on the steering wheel now!

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Square Kilometre Array reveals its 1.6TB-a-day storage and network rigs

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Boffin

Re: Tape

When you say 'Tape' do you mean it's the size of a Cassette Tape (C-90) or a Betamax tape or VHS....larger, smaller, what?

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3D scanning made easy: Reg man ponders terrifying Xmas pressie

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Meh

IN THE FUTURE...

Are we going to end up with a similar situation with the compounds, that are used for fabricating the 3D objects, like we have with Printer ink now, that is the expense? As the prices for the 3D printers go down will we see the price of the compounds go up? Seems that we're swapping one 'Cartel' for another.

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California blue whale numbers soar to historical levels, say boffins

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Unhappy

TOO MANY HUMAN BEINGS?

Maybe we're long overdue a cull?

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Reddit wipes clean leaked celeb nudie pics, tells users to zip it

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Facepalm

Reddit's explanation, almost as good as the 'Marx Brothers'

You know..... the 'Contract Scene' in 'A Night at the Opera'. ( The 'Sanity Clause' )

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Boffins hunch over steaming cups of coffee to find HIDDEN SECRETS of caffeine

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FAIL

Re: WTF are "Boffins"?

They're the inhabitants of 'Boffin Island'.....lovely people....for Canadians.

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i like crisps
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FAIL

What's a 'Native Americans' favourite form of footware?....

....Mochasons.

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i like crisps
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FAIL

Re: Did you know....

Its because my boss keeps poo pooing my ideas, in fact you could say he keeps putting the 'mocha's' on them.

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i like crisps
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FAIL

Did you know....

...Drinking too much coffee can cause a latte of problems?

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Warrantless phone snooping HAPPENS ALL THE TIME in Blighty

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Angel

Re: IF YOU CAN MAKE A 'CITIZENS ARREST'....

A bit tame that, AC. I was thinking more along the lines of..........i better not say, just in case.

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i like crisps
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Big Brother

IF YOU CAN MAKE A 'CITIZENS ARREST'....

....could you also make a 'Citizens Data Slurp'?......sauce for the goose!

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Size matters – how else could Dell squeeze 15 million pixels into this 27" 5K monitor?

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Trollface

Does it come with a 'Freeview tuner'?

Also does it suffer with 'Motion Blur' and or 'judder' and is it good for playing games/films...........you know what, i'm boring myself!

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The Schmidt hits the clan: Google chief mauls publishers' 'abuse of dominance' claims

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Megaphone

'To date, no regulator has objected to our search tactics'.

Is that because Google has bribed or infiltrated them all Eric?

(just a question, thats all).......i know....i'll 'Google It'.

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Go on, corporate drone, log in... We'd recognise your VEINS anywhere – Barclays

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VAMPIRES!!!

Why was it that the first thing that popped in to my head when reading about this on Teletext today was the horror film 'BLADE'?.....i keep thinking that at some point they will want to take a blood sample...or pint!!

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Glasshole-in-chief QUITS Google to become CTO of America

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Alien

THE CIRCLE IS NOW COMPLETE...

...When she joined Google, she was but the learner, now she is the masTER!!

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Something smells PHISHY: It's the celeb nudie iCloud PERV trap...

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Facepalm

Gossip Culture...

We're all suckers for it.

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Crack team weighs LOHAN's substantial box

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Trollface

Famous last words...

Mission Control: "Vulture 2, go for throttle-up"

The Reg: "Roger that"....................................

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Hot Celebrity? Stash of SELFIES where you're wearing sweet FA? Get 2FA. Now

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Facepalm

INSTEAD OF AN 'AGE RATING' TO JOIN SITES....

...how about an 'IQ' rating or 'Common Sense' rating? When you join the site or service, you have to sit a little test and be able to pass it before you can join. The test would involve understanding basic online security. This would then give the operators of the site/service peace of mind knowing that if a members acount is compromised, then its not been through the incompetence of the acount holder.

If i was in charge of Apple i'd invoice these 'Airheads' for wasting my f**king time!

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Drone captures shots of budding APPLE SPACESHIP HQ

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Facepalm

So this is Steve Jobs 'Legacy'?

Mine would have been ' REPLACABLE BATTERIES'.

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Not even CRIMINALS want your tablets, Blighty - but if that's an iPhone you're waving...

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Lots of stats, but...

...It would have been interesting to see the ethnic breakdown of the thieves who were caught...you know....just to see if a pattern emerged.

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Twitter: La la la, we haven't heard of NUDE JLaw, Upton SELFIES

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FAIL

Re: i can't be bothered checking, but...

Its not about Mr J Law is it?.....whoops.

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i like crisps
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Trollface

i can't be bothered checking, but...

...i think one of the 'Actresses' is the one who played the blue shapeshifter in 'xmen first class'....she was fairly nudish in that so why the hubbub? As far as Mr J Law is concerned, if the rumors are true then the only way we're going to see his 'GENITALIA', is if we can Re-Task the Hubble Space telescope and point it directly at the photo...the Hubble is good, but i don't know if its that good?

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Chumps stump up $1 MEELLLION for watch that doesn't exist

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Re: Mel Brooks

"ChurcHILLLL!!!!"

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i like crisps
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Boffin

Re: Rampant Imaginings

IN MINE, IT CAN SHOOT OUT A GRAPPLING HOOK, HAS A FULLY WORKING COMPASS AND HAS A THING FOR GETTING STONES OUT OF HORSES SHOES....AND IT CAN TELL YOU IF THE PERSON STANDING NEXT TO YOU IS A VAMPIRE AND CAN ALLOW YOU TO CONTROL MAGNETIC FIELDS AND SUB YOU A TENNER FOR THE PUB ON FRIDAYS.

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Steelie Neelie: Enjoy your EXCLUSIVE UHF spectrum in 2020, mobile operators

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WTF?

NOW JUST WAIT A COTTON PICKIN MINUTE

Does this mean that i'm going to have to get ANOTHER 'Freeview' box?....bastARDS!!!

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Europol picks Brit to lead new international cybercrime taskforce

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Facepalm

His name is...

INSPECTOR GADGET....do, de, do, de, do, de, do.

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China: You, Microsoft. Office-Windows 'compatibility'. You have 20 days to explain

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Trollface

Get your shit together Microsoft...

...you're obviously not BRIBING the right 'officials'....this helpful hint is no charge to you sir.

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Australia deflates Valve with Steam sueball

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Trollface

Dear Skippy...

...just get on with it and BLOCK the American imperialist dogs, will you!

Best wishes,

Mr Nintendo

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NZ Justice Minister scalped as hacker leaks emails

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Big Brother

SUSSED...

...So the Security Services ARE collecting information on everyone so that they can fuck them over at a later date if they become uppity. Finally we know the truth. Thanks Skippy!

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Virgin Media blocks 'wankers' from permissible passwords

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Trollface

Re: If you are using offensive passwords to describe the service

I use the common euphemism for 'Wankers' for my account.....'R1cHaRdBrAn50n'.

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HP: NORKS' cyber spying efforts actually a credible cyberthreat

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Big Brother

What's that rattling noise coming from HP?

Oh, it's alright, it's only HP shaking their money tin....whats it say on the front?...oh, "Donatons for cyber security research, from the US Taxpayer gratefully received".

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GCHQ protesters stick it to British spooks ... by drinking urine

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Big Brother

"NABBED BY THE ROZZERS"

To avoid this happening just selotape a couple of Pentax's on to the roof of your car and paint the word 'GOOGLE' on the side. The filth won't bat an eye lid, as you drive past 'snapping' away at the orcs as they come filing out at home time.

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i like crisps
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Big Brother

WHEN I AM PRIME MINISTER...

...One of the first things i'll be doing is shutting down GCHQ. I'll also make sure that the ex staff would only be able to get employment as fluffers for Bukakke videos. But in the meantime i'm going to pop over soon and superglue the locks on the front and backdoors...mind you i'll have to get quite a few tubes of glue as these twats have thousands of backdoors.

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Intel unleashed octo-core speed demon for the power-crazed crowd

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Big Brother

WHAT'S UNDER THE HOOD?

I wonder what 'snappy' features Intel have built in for the NSA?

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Volcanic eruption in Iceland triggers CODE RED aviation warning

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Boffin

'BROWN ALERT'

Red Dwarfs colour coding is much better.

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Nearly there! LOHAN Kickstarter pot o'gold breaks £29,000

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Alien

Where is the concrete on the moon?

Take a moment to think about that......

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i like crisps
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Trollface

A VERY EXPENSIVE FIREWORK.

I hope the pretty pattern it makes in the sky when it goes 'BANG', was worth all this messing around.

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Russia-based hackers prime suspects in JPMorgan mega-breach

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Bankers in Prison...

Make a great sitcom.

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