Re: All I want to know is...
> Seriously, Alt+F to open the menu, [...]
Press ALT: see ribbons overlaid with the available short cuts. As you enter them more specific ones appear.
Once you know where the command is on the ribbon (they are easier to find as the organisation is far more consistent, but you're used to the inconsistency of the menus).
So to sort a table: Alt-JO and the Table Tools Layout tab is opened, SO and the sort dialog is open.
And this works even if the ribbon is collapsed (Control-F1 to toggle).
The ribbon is different, but it is not hard.