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* Posts by A. Merkin

149 posts • joined 21 Jun 2007

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Mammoth wool gives up genetic secrets

A. Merkin

Supersized Meal

Yes; bring them back... If we're descended from Mammoth hunters, they will probably taste particularly delicious to us.

Sign me up for a McMammoth burger!

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Post-Bush US preparing stemcell brain drain

A. Merkin

Republi-Cons

I don't get how W can be Pro-Death (penalty) and Pro-Life. Seems like an ethical contradiction, innit?

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Fundy dunderheads make monkey of monkey man

A. Merkin

ID - Intelligent Debate

"Evillusionists" are perfectly willing to accept alternate hypothesis, and readily admit science does not know everything.

But try and tell a fundie that the earth is 4001 years old instead of 4000, and you're liable to be beaten to death. Shouldn't the "religious" folks be more compassionate and tolerant?

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Mystery radio bursts from the depths of the universe

A. Merkin

'Long Time Ago in a Galaxy Far, Far Away...

The sound of the Death Star blowing up Aldeeran is only now reaching Earth...

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Kerching! Halo 3 rakes in 'record' takings

A. Merkin

New Math

Longer Delays = More Preorders = Higher "First Day" sales?

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Microsoft shouts 'Long Live XP'

A. Merkin

@Phiill

"Anyway what does he mean "more people are buying vista with new machines than ever before"? "

He means: "Fewer people are buying standalone OS upgrades than ever before!"

-or-

"The only people buying Vista are those that get it bundled with a new machine."

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FBI redefines length of century

A. Merkin

Temporal Shiftlessness

Obviosly this doesn't include their little jaunts back to 1939 and 1773... Or am I thinking of the NSA?

Hood, Jumper, GITMO.

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Space makes germs more deadly

A. Merkin

I'm opposed to needless Virulence!

Perhaps these organisms were from space originally, and only adapted to earthly conditions relatively recently?

Whatever the cause, we'd better keep antigravity out of the hands of the terrorist, otherwise they'll be breeding their own superbugs.

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Venezuela to shift clocks half an hour

A. Merkin

Does the "Doomsday Clock" follow DST?

Hickory, Dickory, Doc,

Chavez adjusted the clock.

At half-past two

he surprized the Coup,

And threw them all in the Dock

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China jails four over Panda worm

A. Merkin

Compromised, Executable

What, no death penalty?

Surely they will swing from 0 enforcement to 0 tolerance, as with Zheng Xiaoyu of the "China FDA"?

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World leaders meet to tackle global warming

A. Merkin

GWB = "Big Dubya" or "Global Warming B*llS*t"?

There is no such thing as global warming, global cooling or meteors. Deny it all you like, but nothing in the universe *ever* *ever* *EVER* changes.

Especially not aminals. There is no evolution, and no extinction either; dinosaurs are still around, just look at the Neoconosaurus for proof. (That is, if faith is not enough for you).

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Caves spotted on Mars

A. Merkin

Underground LIARS

Someone's drilled a hole in the pyramid to let Horus out!

...Hat, Coat & Scarf, Door

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Argos admits selling Halo 3 early

A. Merkin

It's a promo!

Cock-up, my ass! (tee-hee). This is just a cunning stunt to generate buzz for the XXXBox.

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Google says go-go-Gadget Ads

A. Merkin

Finally!

I, for one, have been waiting impatiently for the 3D version of Punch the Monkey ads.

And I'm excited about the prospect of being sold things i didn't even know I wanted, like "v14gr4 for ur p3ts" and "Super radar invisible turbo car wax". Truly, we live in an age of miracles!

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Beethoven's barnet fused into diamond

A. Merkin

Bright and Shiny Future

Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking? Convert all the atmospheric CO2 to diamonds; instantly solve global warming and WE'LL ALL BE RICH!!!

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BitTorrent-busters busted by BitTorrent

A. Merkin

Ahoy there *AAss.es

"The more you tighten your fist, the more star systems will slip through your fingers."

- Senetor Organa

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Peruvian 'meteorite' strike provokes noxious gas attack

A. Merkin

Fridge or Satellite?

Could be the Chinese weather satellite what was blown up recently. Yet another toxic Chinese import!

But I thought those items were actively tracked on radar?

Perhaps it is the return of the Mayan (Martian?) overlords; according to the Coptic calendar it's only just now the year 2000...

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Space watchers spot pulsar eating a star

A. Merkin

Flashing, burnt-out star caught on camera

Where's the Paris Hilton angle?

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AMD to try to take on Intel Core 2 with tri-core Phenom

A. Merkin

More Cores, More Sense

3 cores would be perfect:

1 core dedicated to antivirus/firewall.

1 core dedicated DRM overhead.

1 core left for user tasks (displaying pr0n).

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International media firm pays $3.5m over pirate software

A. Merkin

Prosecuters will be Violated

I heard this "unamed organization" was in fact the RIAA!

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AMD gives itself Web 2.0rhea

A. Merkin

Twitter Bog Roll

@A. Lewis: "Bog" is a UK euphamism for bathroom. I think they are implying that the primary output of blogs and bloggers is crap.

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Lawyerless eBayer sues Autodesk over garage-sale miracle

A. Merkin

I Rate

Where's the IT ang... oh, right.

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Root-locked Linux for the masses

A. Merkin

Re: 37 Petahertz

"Of course I want a <=5W computer with a trillion 37 petahertz cores and at least one yottabyte of RAM, but one can dream, right?"

Tsk, Tsk... yet another filthy peta-phile!

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Firefox-Google marriage on shaky ground?

A. Merkin

PUSH ads are DEAD

Ad Blocking is a reaction to *obnoxious* ads, not necessarily to poorly-targetted ads.

Installing AB software is an extraordinary step for users to take... We've been *driven to it* by a small number of advertisers who think they can substitute noise and gimmicks for intelligently targetted ads. (AdSpam)

OTOH, Google search ads whisper helpful, relevent information based on what we are actually looking for.

When users PULL relevent ads, clickthrough and sales will be much greater, even with a simple text link. If Google provided targetted TV Ads, I'd happily watch those too. Just don't make me sit through another feminine hygene, adult diaper or BMW ad!

Advertising is dead; long live the ads!

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Matching genes for criminal injustice

A. Merkin

@Power corrupts ....

Yes, yes, we're all familiar with the 2004 US elections scandal.

Waiting eagerly for the first dead person to be accused of a crime post-mortem, based on faulty DNA evidence...

Tip: Insert overlapping carbon paper sheets between the layers of tinfoil for maximum protection. If you have pets, foil them as well; they are often used as covert neural repeaters.

If you have nothing to hide... we haven't passed enough laws yet!

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Virtualization standards becoming a reality

A. Merkin

Virtual Lithium

"...the Virtual Machine, as spawned by the Operating Systems, has not evolved with Intelligently Designed nurTuring to be the NeXXXXT Generation of Quantum Operating System..."

Can VM'ing induce multiple personality disorder in otherwise steady-state machines? Will the Hypervisor eventually need a psychiatric AI API? So many voices in me blinkin gulliver...

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A. Merkin

Surely Some MStake?

Are you sure the article shouldn't read "Dell, HP, IBM, VMware and XenSource introduced the 'Open Virtual Machine Format (OVF)' while MicroSoft introduced a competing prioprietary open standard 'XML Open Virtual Machine Format, Utterly Kludged Technology'(MS-XOVFUKT)"

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Dell's Linux sleight of hand

A. Merkin

Did you Factor in...

The crapware discount? Machines may cost less if AV vendors et al. pay DeLL to install trial versions.

On the US site, comparing an Inspiron 1420 Ubuntu vs Vista results in an $125 difference in prices (UB $744 vs V $869)

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Astronomers detect red giant survivor planet

A. Merkin

amanfrommars RSVP

"...we expect Mercury and Venus to disappear in the sun’s envelope, whereas Mars should survive."

AMFM; can we crash at your place? Is 5 Billion years notice enough time to tidy up?

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Viking ship resurfaces under Merseyside boozer

A. Merkin

Drink Diving Dodge

They'll prolly find a dead Viking sleeping it off in the Boot of the ship.

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Software developer sues to muzzle website users

A. Merkin

RE: Have you ever used El Reg?

If you deal in tech news at all, I would avoid it. ... and don't get me started on the "IT" coverage - what a joke. Nothing but Lizard Army and Paris Hilton stories.

I was put onto the comments forum recently, but my peer's input isn't much better. Very little information content; just incendiary comments about global warming, "evilution" vs creationism, Mac Bashing and PS3/XBox360 Wii-ing matches. In the few instances when they are intelligible, comments tend to be mostly tongue-in-cheek.

I can't describe how frustrated, dissatisfied and ultimately ripped off I feel after reading The Register throughout this year.

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Colombian armed robber targets karate school

A. Merkin

Revelationary

This would be perfect for applying the ultraviolet inks M$ has developed for tagging the hands and heads of it's genuine MCSEs!

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HP inks deal for micro-needle skin patch

A. Merkin

Revelationary

This would be perfect for applying the ultraviolet inks M$ has developed for tagging the hands and heads of it's genuine MCSEs!

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DVD Forum gives three-layer, 51GB HD DVD the thumbs up

A. Merkin

Awesome(!)

Two layers to become delaminated! Hope they provide a better return/replacement policy.

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Britannia triumphs over Johnny Metric

A. Merkin

Penny-Wise, Kilogram-Foolish (sic)

Thank goodness for the reprieve; forced metrification would surely have ended in tears. Think of all the mixed-metaphores in a globally-enforced metric Imperium:

Merkins would be "Kilogramming Beers" on the weekend.

Punters would be watching "MeterBall" on the telly. (Good luck getting that in the goal).

Big W's 10 Gallon Hat would shrink to a puny 0.03785 cubic meter beret.

At least the bug situation would improve, what with InchWorms downsized to CentimeterWorms.

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Pinwheel galaxy boasts edgy star formation

A. Merkin

Galactic Warming BS

...Just another blatent example of the enviro-nazis stirring up panic to fund their own pet projects. Just because you "see" star formation doesn't mean it's actually "happening".

These so-called "boffins" with their "scientific method" and "observations" are just the lapdogs of industry lobyists trying to sell space exploration.

Reality is, whe're better off here at the bottom of our hole. Pull a comfy blanket of CO2 over your head and let God worry about the greater cosmos.

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Yahoo feeds Trojan-laced ads to MySpace and PhotoBucket users

A. Merkin

Dizzy from the Spin

Van Gogh was a "high risk creative".

These ads are "malware".

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'All-in' DNA database plan hinges on human rights case

A. Merkin

500,000 Pounds Per Citizen

Might be slightly impractical today due to the cost of sequencing an individual's DNA. (ie: 2-for-1 Million special).

On the other hand, it would enable the gummint to do a quick scan for individuals with the PERP gene and round them all up before they get into any mischief...

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Fossett 'may never be found'

A. Merkin

Google Cookies to the Rescue

Check his cookies for Google maps/Google Earth. Prolly took a gander at the prospects he was going to fly over...

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NBC leaves Apple for Amazon

A. Merkin

Broadcast Schedules

Not to pile on Tim J, but the ability to watch TV shows outside of the broadcast schedule is actually the greatest benefit of online distribution.

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Boffins develop quantum-computer building block

A. Merkin

Quantum Pr0n - Schrodinger's P*ssy

In order to get this technology into the broader marketplace, we need to develop Quantum Pr0n to entice early adopters.

Question is; what would QuantPr0n look like? Simultaneous Nekkid/Not Nekkid models? Bodies entangled at a distance (rather than close together)? Indeterminate M/F Trannies group-grope tiled MC Escher style?

El Reg readers want to know! Please post your suggestions to help advance this nobel technological frontier.

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Apple slashes iPhone prices

A. Merkin

Smart Corporation

The ~$600 price was a smart move; AppleCorp it to manage customer demand; 1) Ensured demand did not outstrip capacity (no shortages) 2) Minimized Speculative Buying (non-customer purchases for EBay reselling).

Why the 33.3% discount *now* though? Why not -$100 now for back-to-school, and -$100 just before Christmas buying?

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Government warns parents of food-colouring danger

A. Merkin

Foiled Hat

What we've all known for 20 years; food additives are intended to create hyper-viligant super soldiers!

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Toshiba to tempt Matrix buffs with freebie HD DVD player

A. Merkin

Sequels/Suckwells

You'd have to hand out a free player to make me sit through episodes 2 & 3 again!

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Germans plan 578m-high überpyramid

A. Merkin

Teuton Commons' Tomb

Me Pun'd it Good!

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Warez land man 30 months in prison

A. Merkin

128 Naughty-Bit Encryption

Citizens; we need to take action to get equal justice for *real* crimes. Let's all post EULAs and copyright notices on our cars, homes and knickers to ensure the maximum criminal pentalties under the law.

(D)isclosures (M)ake (C)riminals (A)ccountable

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Voting machines ditch ballots in Scotland

A. Merkin

ROTM

In related news, a suspicious number of ballots had "Deep Blue" in the write-in section.

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Venezuela plans crackdown on bloody silly names

A. Merkin

It's Bird, It's A Plane, It's...

Surely there must be many more than just 2 supermen, what with all the German Ex-Pats Post WW2?

Hat, Coat, Broom closet (whoops)... Door.

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BBC confirms Doctor Who series five

A. Merkin

Dr Which

Forget this tiptoeing around, next regeneration lets have the doctor turn into a black lesbian dominatrix with two SUPER gay companions. That'll revitalize this children's television show for sure!

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Texas Instruments stands out with 3D TV

A. Merkin

Been that, Done there...

How is this news? The Mayans were using LCD shutter glasses in their crystal pyramids back in 1200 BC, and that was just a rip off of the even earlier Atlantean immersive 3D system. Get with the times TI!!!

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