* Posts by Jediben

433 posts • joined 6 Feb 2012

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We bet your firm doesn't stick to half of these 10 top IT admin tips

Jediben

Re: Nice Theory - but

"Security is not the second most important thing. Safety, company survival, company profits and company growth are more important. Also in many companies, senior management convenience is counted as far more important than security."

You won't get much profit, growth or senior management convenience if you have a leak from the air conditioning in the electronically-locked Boardroom which fails, and kills everyone senior.

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FBI backs down against Apple: Feds may be able to crack killer's iPhone without iGiant's help

Jediben
Trollface

How to make a third party and keep the fanbois happy

Apple: Hi Corporate Drone 1.

Corporate Drone 1: Hi.

Apple: Hey Corporate Drone 1, take a look at this - it's a means to unlock the Apple 5s phone which we don't want people to know about, but the FBI would really like us to give to them.

Corporate Drone 1: Aw gee, I think I know wha...

AN UNMARKED CAR APPEARS.

Apple: Say Corporate Drone 1, here's a big cheque for your services. Please get in this car.

Corporate Drone 1: Please don't fire me, I real.....

Apple: You're fired.

Driver: Next stop, Washington DC!

Former Corporate Drone: Good morning Mr FBI.

Mr FBI: Good morning Third Party.

Apple: Curse that Third Party, we did ALL we could...

<FIN>

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Q: How many guns to arm nine coachloads of terrorists?

Jediben

Re: If you have 400+ terrorists traveling somewhere on 9 coaches

You've never heard of Mecca? And no, I don't mean the Bingo halls.

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Feds look left and right for support – and see everyone backing Apple

Jediben

Re: 50 years ago...

I'm going to have a stab @ Arguing about the right of corporations to sample your kids DNA for utilisation in a designer baby genetic splicing lab via social media internet-connected testing devices built into the latest security measure in the Apple iSkin wearable, grafted communication device on the back of their hand, so that their particular shade of blue/brown eyes/hair/skin can be replicated in a cloning lab for transplant into an embryo unit to be surrogated into a 2nd world mother on the behalf of homosexual life partners who wish to have the perfect child, which has been granted by a tiny micro-print section of the latest Facebook EULA update.

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UK to stop children looking at online porn. How?

Jediben

Re: Sadly, very sadly ...

See Kids' Company!

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Why a detachable cabin probably won’t save your life in a plane crash

Jediben

Re: "I never joke about my work 007!"

After watching Spectre, cyanide would be preferable.

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Jediben
Joke

Re: Personal parachute

Wait, let me get this straight: The large 'bag' of silk which inverted and opened directly above your head in deployment is the SAME 'bag' of silk which is mere fibres away from the rapidly opening and closing valve in your botty as BROWN TROUSERS TIME commences?

Talk about an incentive not to crash!

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We know this isn't about PRISM, Matt Warman MP. But do you?

Jediben
Big Brother

Re: I wish I could remember names

He scared the hell out of that Chakrabarti woman from Liberty (X) so he can't be ALL bad.

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It's replicant Roy Batty's birthday – but hey, where's my killer robot?

Jediben
FAIL

Re: Lack of violence

Millennials? They can go a wrap their skinny jeans around their necks for all I care, try the generation that's footing the bill for the NHS, Immigration and opyright extension. The generation that welcomed a fourth TV channel, wanted to be in the A-Team and currently makes up 70% of all private renters.

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Jediben

Re: Lack of violence

"The same thing happens today when many people choose not to have children - but use their resources to improve the lot of the next generations. What is passed on is not necessarily a family gene - but a community's cultural meme."

So you are saying there will be a natural antidote to Baby Boomers a few generations down the line? Thank God.

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Jediben
Pint

Re: The Tyrell Corporation...

https://www.tyrrellscrisps.co.uk/

OM NOM NOM NOM. Go great with one of these --->

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Jediben

Re: Do androids wet dream of electric sheep?

The goat? :(

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Engineer's bosses gave him printout of his Yahoo IMs. Euro court says it's OK

Jediben
Coat

I'll just be off then...

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Gaming souk Steam spews credit card, personal info in Xmas Day security meltdown

Jediben

Re: Somebody went shopping at Argos and it wasn't me

Glad all the money came back in the end whatever the case!

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Jediben

Re: Somebody went shopping at Argos and it wasn't me

Wait, are you saying that the last time you went to the Steam account page which bore your credit card number was in NOVEMBER?

That seems to be an AWFULLY long time for Steam to have cached your purchase page, for it to then be served to a random on 25th December. You sure you didn't buy any meals at a restaurant or allow your card out of your hand card since then?

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Aroused Lycra-clad cyclist prompts Manchester cop dragnet

Jediben

We are becoming a nation of over-sensitised people who see "offence" in every way they can imagine with their female minds.

FTFY.

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How long until we can build R2-D2 and C-3PO?

Jediben

"Invented at MIT, the still unreleased robot’s abilities will include talking to and recognising people and remembering their preferences."

Right as soon as the three letter agencies are done ensuring everything it records is uploaded correctly...

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Drunk? Need a slash? Avoid walls in Hackney

Jediben
Joke

Re: Hackney Carriage

I have never seen that happen - must be quite a bit of pressure and angulation required to get the stream up and over your head to reach the back of the cab, out the window and onto the tyre. Making sure you keep the vehicle in motion at the same time must be a bitch too!

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Jediben

Re: Hold It In?

Missed your chance to impress your sister's mates with yer spam javelin too.

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Jediben

Re: Hmmm.

All well and good for piss, but what about rainfall? Some unlucky bugger will receive ALL the piss diluted by ALL the skytears, every single time it rains!

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EE Power Bar recall: Telco will waive £5 fee for laggards

Jediben

Re: "We have no plans to..."?

Negative, they just intend to charge £4.99, as the full £5 was considered insensitive and too exploity.

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Electrician cuts wrong wire and downs 25,000 square foot data centre

Jediben

Indeed. Never forget the cost to reputation, and legal implications, loss of accreditation or other damage which might not just mean £££. And Christ you better make sure no one dies.

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Virgin Media hikes broadband, phone prices by five per cent

Jediben

Russian watchdogs - They probably have much sharper teeth and know where the bones are buried. OFCOM, on the other hand, can barely lick its own balls.

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Man hires 'court hacker' on Craigslist ... who turned out to be a cop

Jediben
Big Brother

Re: Model Penal Code

The word you are looking for is Thoughtcrime, citizen.

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Virgin Media boss urges UK watchdogs not to pick wrong BT battle

Jediben

Re: Well he would say that wouldn't he!

So you are bitching about a third party damaging the connection (which VM will have to investigate and identify at a cost of X - which is far more than income Y you provide them) and you give them 'days' to fix it, followed by 30 more days to collect the toys you are throwing out the pram? Big baby.

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Man goes to collect stolen-car court docs found in stolen car in stolen car

Jediben

Re: Coloured intuition

Usually as "the victim" or "the gunman", depending on whether it's a school day or not.

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US Treasury: How did ISIS get your trucks? Toyota: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Jediben

Re: More to the point ....

The media needs them to project harrowing images of how harrowing everything is. Harrowing.

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Jediben

Re: USA.gov takes another swing at foregin vehicle maker

There's no accounting for stupid.

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GENUINE STARSHIP as used by PRINCESS LEIA sold for just $450k

Jediben
Facepalm

Ah but we SEE the fighting. We know when THAT pod went - another could have escaped BEFORE the door blows up and Mr Asthma made his stride onto the ship.

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Jediben
Headmaster

I'm afraid Leia's vessel is missing at LEAST 2 escape pods: we witness two Imperial gunners targeting the pod used by C3-PO and R2D2 and exclaiming "Look, there goes another one!".

It is only the absence of life signs which holds their fire and saves the Galaxy as they know it.

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Terror in the Chernobyl dead zone: Life - of a wild kind - burgeons

Jediben

Re: Hmmm

Soylent green!

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FATTIES have most SUCCESS with opposite SEX! Have some pies and SCORE

Jediben
Joke

Re: One sexual relationship in 32 years

I didn't think masturbation was counted?

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Jediben
Joke

Think how much

Flour they must get through!

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Woman makes app that lets people rate and review you, Yelp-style. Now SHE'S upset people are 'reviewing' her

Jediben
Trollface

Re: Yeah! But no, but

Rol, that is no way talk about your nan.

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Did GCHQ illegally spy on you? Now you can find out – from this page

Jediben

Re: Have you thought about resurrecting your project?

It's Jake. It's always bloody Jake.

Hi Jake!

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IoT baby monitors STILL revealing live streams of sleeping kids

Jediben

All wrong. No harm can come from this scenario. Fear mongering at best, outright bullshine at worst. Nothing to see here, as I commented the last time this non-issue appeared on El Reg.

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Windows 10 now on 75 million devices, says Microsoft

Jediben

Re: Small Survey.

"if microsoft wanted my bank password they could pick it up from my windows phone whenever i use the banking app on it"

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice...

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The most tragic thing about the Ashley Madison hack? It was really 1% actual women

Jediben

If women can use the site for free, wouldn't it follow that a free 'woman' would be created first so that paying users could 'test the waters' to see who/what is actually available on the service? It would be very telling if we knew how many 'female' accounts were men just looking to see if the site was worth using.

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Why Nobody Should Ever Search The Ashley Madison Data

Jediben
Gimp

That picture

Those are remarkably small feet for a grown woman is all I'm saying...

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Android in user-chosen lockscreen patterns are grimly predictable SHOCKER

Jediben

Re: PIN generation

Thank god you are allowed to leave grease marks on your phone whenever and wherever you want and not just when unlocking it then!

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That thing we do in the UK? Should be ILLEGAL in the US, moans ex-State monopoly BT

Jediben

And how about Openreach?

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'Unexpected item in baggage area' assigned to rubbish area

Jediben

Re: Do those who don't like self-serve check-outs...

You mean the Welsh?

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Get whimsical and win a Western Digital Black 6TB hard drive

Jediben

Steve Ballmer reflects on what could have been.

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Mumsnet founder 'swatted by misogynist griefers'

Jediben

'Men's Rights Activist' I presume. A truly heroic breed who is willing to face PMT every day of their lives.

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Sex app Tinder in public meltdown – because a journo dared suggest it was, well, a sex app

Jediben

Re: 8 billion experiences

<Stannis>

Fewer.

</Stannis>

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Surprise! Evil-eyed cats MORE LIKELY to be SNEAKY PREDATORS – boffins

Jediben

Re: Goats?

Too much television.

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It's incredibly easy to bump someone off online, and here's how to do it – infosec bod

Jediben

Re: 20 years ago, I wrote a short story

Ok Jake, if you say so...

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Moronic Time cover sets back virtual reality another 12 months

Jediben
Black Helicopters

Re: don't care if he's rich

And Operation Yewtree adds another name to the list!

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Jediben
Gimp

Re: And you thought Google Glass made you look dumb...

No, you can't. Get back in your Blogosphere, stinking hipster.

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Small number of computer-aided rifles could be hacked in contrived scenario

Jediben

Clearly 'research' for the next terrible Tom Clancy-esque Hollywood adaptation, staring Channing Tatum as the expert covert ops sniper who is betrayed by his superiors into 'accidentally' (via the researched 'hack' of all things) assassinating the President of Africanistan (who actually turns out to have been a Russian plant who was trying to develop biological weapons with North Korean money) while the POTUS was visiting on a ground breaking trip to broker a weapons non-proliferation pact.

Mr Tatum will thusly pacify many many Africanistans and COMMIES in his hunt for justice, whereby the end scene will be Mr Tatum using an old fashioned Lee-Enfield to take out a fancy TrackingPoint Kit rifle owning sniper from 900 yards and protect the POTUS.

Then he will kill the evil 2nd in command of Africanistan (it was a double double cross!) with his Colt 45 and fly an AC130 away while the President acts as gunner, shooting the living shit out of many many technicals and freeing the people of Africanistan to live in Democracy (Woo!) and Freedom (Fuck yeah!) and do jobs for Huge US Conglomerates (USA! USA! USA!)

Box office gold, mate.

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