* Posts by Richard Altmann

142 posts • joined 19 Jan 2012

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Horrifying MOCK BACON ABOMINATION grown in BUBBLING VATS as ALGAE

Richard Altmann

Does not

contain nuts or bacon

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7/7 memories: I was on a helpdesk that day and one of my users died

Richard Altmann
Mushroom

I was

in Uganda 9/11 and watched life on CNN. I was in Uganda 7/7 and watched life on BBC. I was in Uganda 11 July when Al Shabaab blew up the Ethiopian Village and the Rugby Club during the World Cup Finals, killing 74 and injuring 70 in Kampala. Lost two friends. For the world press it was not even worth a footnote. So go and stuff your media hype where the sun does not shine. And hyping yourself as well.

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Obama issues HTTPS-only order to US Federal sysadmins

Richard Altmann

Funny

I always read

Here´s The Tit uPS

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FLYING SAUCER crashes into Pacific off Hawaii - NASA

Richard Altmann
Joke

Bootnotes

One grows with the challenge. Maybe they should advance to cracking coconuts on their foreheads.

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FBI: Apple and Google are helping ISIS by offering strong crypto

Richard Altmann

Banning

cops from wearing guns would be a start

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Richard Altmann

Steinbach

still does not get it. That very moment his NSA detects an encrypted mail coming out of the near or middle east, it´s automaticlly rendered suspiuos. Therefore terrorists don´t encrypt their mails. They use an advanced Enigma based system which looks like innocent clear text mail. Up to date Enigma code can not be broken as long as one does not have the code books. The islamic radicals learn one thing in the Koran schools: To recapulate their book from A to Z out of the head. No problem for them to store the Satanic Verses and use this a the code book. Just to take the piss. No house surch will ever provide a code book with pencil marks used for encoding the enigmad code cause they have it all in their brains.

As for money laundering and financing terrorist groups: There is the islamic equivalent of Western Union.Enigma coded in innocent phone calls or even transfered from ear to mouth. Its build on trust, not on digital verification. Analogue encryption and communication will always and ever beat the most advanced computer systems. As long as the Steinbachs of this world don´t wake up and realize that they are heading in the wrong direction they have to be rendered more dangerous to western civilisation than any terrorist organisation out there. In fact, they are playing in their favour by destroying our values from the inside.

Sorry, for my bad writing, have had a long day but i had to let it out.

R.A.

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Ed Snowden should be pardoned, thunders Amnesty Int'l

Richard Altmann

Michael Steinbach

Michael B. Steinbach – Assistant Director, Counterterrorism Division FBI is just now shouting against telcos and isps to hand over their encryption keys.

Didn´t anyone tell him that encryption is used against industrial spionage rather then used by terrorists?

Terrorists don´t encrypt their messages. They use codes in unencrypted mails. International SMEs and the big industrial players encrypt their messages. They have to do it to protect themselves from being robbed of by the Mericans. Just another brick in the wall.

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Richard Altmann

The Paranoia Brigade

9/11 is the new Xmas for The Paranoia Brigade™. Bin Laden is their Father Christmas. If it was not such a terrible thought, one might come the conclusion that TPB invented him. All gates open for the business with fear and no holding back when it comes to human rights abuses. Trillions of $ earned by an industry which is based on bouncers and nightwatchers. Not qualified for a proper job and too numb to become a sucessful criminal. Their business is fear and paranoia, not interested in making this world a better place. They would run out of business. Same goes for the NSAs and CIAs all over the world. Their cock ups appear to be deliberate just to make things worse and safe their jobs. They shout: We need more tools in the war against terrorism! Meaning to take away the rights and privacy of the humble human. Where were they when the IS lifted its head? Did all this breach of privacy in the western world stop one single of the thousands of radicalized westeners to go to Iraq and join the IS?

Snowden only provided the evidence for a fact that every halfwit was aware of anyway. Except Angela Merkel.

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Ruskies behind German govt cyber attack — report

Richard Altmann

Re: what, like hacking the Russian government?

The Kremlin does not use computers wherever avoidable. No network, no hacking. On the Upper Floors its still typewriters. No maleware, leaks or an EMP smart bomb can disable Mr. Putin´s reign.

A Igor Snowden might have some difficulties hauling truckloads of secret documents out of Russia.

No networks, no computers, no USB slots to siphon information from.

To give Edward Snowden a residence permit for Russia proofs Mr. Putin´s sense of humour.

btw: Der Spiegel is a weekly, not a daily.

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SAVE THE PLANKTON: So much more than whale food

Richard Altmann

Re: mouthful of seawater? No thanks.

It is urine

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Post-pub nosh neckfiller: Bog-standard boxty

Richard Altmann

Bootnotes

That´s the Dad! Best to purchase a Rhodesian Ridgeback to keep the lonely howling wolves outside the perimeter walls. At the end they will get to her, and if they have to burrow a tunnel into your basement.

Greetings from a father of a 14 year old with a tank in the driveway and electric fences. :-)

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SpaceX signs off on another successful mission with Pacific splashdown

Richard Altmann

washing machine

A washing machine generates centripedal forces inside its rotating drum. So, why not shooting up BIG washing machines where the people live inside the drum and walk about on the inside of the drum since it might compensate for the lack of gravitiy.

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Heroic German rozzers rescue innocent lamb from sordid brothel

Richard Altmann

Re: Give the Polezei Credit

.. and let the girl go after checking her Quality of Service in how much RAM she could operate. (just to bring up an IT angle)

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Jeb Bush: Repeal Obamacare and replace it with APPLE WATCHES

Richard Altmann

What about stellar impact?

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Richard Altmann

In Europe

no TV camera team would even take notice of such a clown

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The big boys made us do it: US used German spooks to snoop on EU defence industry

Richard Altmann

Uncle Sam: Germany, come here!

Germany: What is it now?

Uncle Sam: Give me all your data!

Germany: But we have constitutional righ ...

Uncle Sam: You want to play naughty? Turn around and bend over. ...Uuhh, how does it feel like?

Germany: It hurts

Uncle Sam: You´re sure used to it by now. Just do what i want

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Snowden 'ready to return to US', claims lawyer

Richard Altmann

If

the "Powers That Are" would not have absolutly loved the idea of Lindsay Mills to go and see her boyfriend, it would not have happened. This is the Art of War. The PTA will have to do nothing and he will hand himself in. Madam will be bored very soon but can´t go back because she would have left the hero down. She will nag him until he gives in and turns himself over. While Edward is no longer avaible for interviews, Mme Mills rakes in her 15mins of Stardom revenue. The PTA gets to Snowden for free and for no effort If it was not so romantic (girl following boy into exile) and tragic (boy gets killed, leaves soon to be superrich Lindsay Mills)one could come to the conclusion that it all has been arranged.

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Burning Man hackers get burnt

Richard Altmann

Bring your own poison

The stage is a flatbed truck, some noisy gensets in the back sponsored by a local building company.

10€ entrance fee to pay for dixie toilets and red cross and bring, whatever gets you going.

It´s still there, at least in Germany. Well you might not get the Stones on stage but its about the fun of spending a weekend with likewise people. And at the end you stack up the hay bales for sitting and sleeping comfort provided by the farmer on whos land it takes place and burn it so he does not have to clean up the mess. That´s a Burning Man. Some people want express themselves? Most welcome, as long as long as they clean up behind themselves. I organized some of this events myself and it always was a pleasure. Prepaid, select people, gathering point, travel by bus and ferry (to an island without mobile phone coverage), no blurring sound systems on the camping lot, free F&B, excellent.

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Linux clockpocalypse in 2038 is looming and there's no 'serious plan'

Richard Altmann

Re: Too late!

@ DougS

Dear Sir, your example is not chosen very wise. In 2038 there will be no more fuel burners on the roads.

At that time there will be prohibition on vehicles using fossil fuel. Except maybe agricultural vehicles.

And as for the pipelines, they will be obsolete for the same reason. So don´t worry about that.

Just wait until the fracking technology backfires and destroys the drinking water resources in the U.S.. Drinking water will be more costly than fuel. The fuel strategy of the U.S. has always been to suck out fuel rich countries before touching their own reserves even at a high cost. The reason is, to be the last empire to be able to run a fuel driven army. Enabling them to take over the rest of the world. That strategic paper is out there on the internet. It´s obolete as well now since the beancounters took over and sacked the strategists. U.S. has become the number one oil producer in less then 10 years, making oil as cheap as its never been. The biggest selling car in the U.S. is a Ford pickup. And sales can only be furthered by cheap fuel prices. Who the fuck needs such a monster on wheels accept farmers? Small d**cked a**holes with a mental deficit. Which, looking at the sales numbers, are a lot. The good thing is that the U.S. is spoiling their fuel reserves for what looks like economic growth and at the end have nothing left to refuel their tanks, warships and airplanes. The downside: they still got nukes. The upside: They cannot nuke a region to get hold of their water resources and have no fuel to occupy this regions because they spent it on Ford Pickups.. In 2038 California and Nevada will be inhabitable due to lack of water. I´m on my way back to central Africa where the banana and coffee grows without pesticides and the cattle is not full of shots of antibiotics.

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A truly SHOCKING tale of electrified PCs

Richard Altmann

Re: Sabena?

You never flew BA, didn´t you?

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At the third beep, the Atomic Clock will be 60 ... imprecisely

Richard Altmann

Thank You

Thanks for this article Mr. Watkinson and to all the commentards. Absolutly enlightining. Should be a read at schools.

R.A.

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'Revenge p0rn' kingpin Kevin Bollaert faces 20 years in jail

Richard Altmann

How can one

be so stupid to exploit themself. No sympathy for stupids who allow photos of them taken in mutual agreement and then cry out loud when being exposed to the internet after the agreement was not so mutual anymore. What´s the point? This is the new world. The kids lost their privacy on peer pressure. Signing up to f***book, gurgle account, wazap. Exposing semselves to the world and crying murder when it turns against them. Stupid you are. "Social Networks" are nothing else then operations to get to the core of the user so he/her can be provided with tailored ads. Now, if you put your private parts in this, don´t complain about the outcome since you yourself agreed to being exposed to the public by allowing your lover of the day to take private shots of you. Stupid, that´s the word. So if someone comes along to take advantage of the stupidness of other people by exposing their stupidness, that´s called a business man but not a criminal.(well, only a slight difference there). If you expose yourself and allow to be photographed, that´s called exhibist whatwhat.

And that´s where it starts and ends. If you give away yourself in allowing to be pictured in scenes you might not want your parents to see you ... don´t allow it. He set up his sites to expose the Stupids. The ones who where stupid enough to expose themselfs and the ones stupid enough to think that they could take any revenche by publicicing intimate photos. What´s criminal about giving morons a platform to express themself?

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Bacon-smoking locals provoke noxious Chinese smog

Richard Altmann

Re: Yeah... and I will believe that

He doesn´t get a share of the profit, so he´s p****d off.

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Post-pub nosh neckfiller: 1.5 MILLION SCOVILLE masala omelette

Richard Altmann
Angel

Re: Lhassi/Lassi

Have a Bhang Lhassi 30mins before you order your spicy dish and you smile at everything that comes after. Downside: It´s only legal in Nepal or you might find it in select coffee shops in A´dam.

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Mr President, is this a war on hackers – or a war on people stopping hackers?

Richard Altmann

To catch a hacker

you need a hacker. Well, the US or UK or whatever governments will always end up with the low lifes. No selfrespecting hacker is ever going to work for them except they send Granny to Gitmo.

And that´s where my statement collapses.

"Granny, since weeks i´m talking to your AM and there´s this black SUVs outside my gate ..."

You wont let Granny down, wont you? It´s just a few keystrokes

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BLAST-OFF! BOAT FREE launch at last. Orion heads for SPAAAAACE

Richard Altmann

Re: Project Name

"Footfall" is a read that goes into your brain and never leaves your unconsciousness. More of a horror than sci-fi. "Raumpatrouille Orion" (1962)was a sci-fi series and a german prodcution. Pre Star Trek(1963), in black in white. A must see, even if it is in german. For the germans "Orion" is a spacecraft that goes beyond borders.

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Richard Altmann

you´re paying

tax dollars? You don´t know what taxes are

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Richard Altmann

Re: Degrees

0 Celsius is when water changes from being liquid to being solid.

100 Celsius is when water changes from being liquid to being a gas.

That´s at sea level.

Its the most precise measurement there is since water can not be compressed.

I prefer the english mile when it comes to distances but Celsius when talking about temperatures

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Richard Altmann

And then...

Where is the Space Elevator?

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Richard Altmann

Why

should a space vehicle come back to earth once it´s up there? What about a modular system? First you send unmanned habitats to mars. Then you send fuel modules and a landing module into an orbit around Mars. A launch system to Mars. Then you shoot the astronauts in that radiation hardened box into an orbit to Mars and they dock to the landing module circling the planet. Once they are done with planting their Stars and Stripes Banner ( well, that scene could be easily captured in a Hollywood Studio) they walk over to the launch module and lift off into Mars orbit and connect to the fuel module and their radiation hardened box which gives them enough umph to enter into an Earth orbit. Some of these russian capsules come to pick them up there and bring the astronauts safely home by parasuit. The main obsticale of space faring is to overcome Earth´s gravitation and reentry into the atmosphere. Both seem to be overcome since at least 40 years. But again, why should a spacecraft, once its up there have to come back to Earth? There is no need of heatshielding a Spacecaft for example. Repairs and resupply can be done "cheaply" in orbit. No need to send another manned vehicle to intersolar exploration with all this expensive stuff all the time. I would really like to discuss this.

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Man asks internet for $1k for pebbles. INTERNET SAYS YES

Richard Altmann

Frozen

Grapes anyone?

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Huawei: 'Nobody made any money in Windows Phone'

This post has been deleted by a moderator

Get a job in Germany – where most activities are precursors to drinking

Richard Altmann

As a german

i see, you guys are on a serious note. Language is of course a challenge, what with all this articles and sentences being build up the wrong way. English is the first language taught in schools but generally thought of as a waste of time. English (American) movies are broadcast translated into german.

The shopkeeper has to cope with deliberatly broken german delivered by the turkish community.

These kids make a point of being different and their only way to do so, is some glibberish german talk.

Well, being second or third generation "Gastarbeiter" with their parents still dreaming of Anatolia, they are really lost between the worlds. Look to East Europe. They get there movies straight forward in english without subtitles and this kids are fluent in english.

An englishman in a german company is exotic. So you find the workmates who are too embaressed to talk to you at all or the ones who want to hone their english "skills" on you. Not easy to learn german there.

As for working time: We don´t just hang around, killing time. What would be the point? Got a job at hand? Get it done with all the overtime that comes with it. No job at hand? Go home and balance your overtime. (My xmas season starts next week). An employer pushing you to useless overtimes goes as slave keeper and runs out of employees quite quickly. But then i´ve just been to the depandance of a big american chip producer. They have a PA system going the whole day. "And this thursday´s free car washing ticket goes to John Doe!" And they are going: "We are family" and everybody smiles this Ecxtasy smile and noone believes in this intrusion into their private lives but just feel dwarfed by the honour of being allowed to work for this big brand. Always scared to shit of being sacked, when next quarter´s results are not good enough for the shareholders and the next round of chopping heads begins. But then, if you live like that, your nothing but a slimey, not worth the shilling.

The Boss is always the last one to leave and lock the office. Well, at 18:00 he might ask you to quickly generate a quotiation for some customer in Africa who does not care if it comes tomorrow or next week. But it gets balanced out.

job done, he will get the beer out of the fridge and even give you a lift home. Having been an Expat for more than a decade, Germany is employee´s heaven.

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BOFH: WHERE did this 'fax-enabled' printer UPGRADE come from?

Richard Altmann
FAIL

Simon´s

last resort. No idea for the last installment of BOFH for the year? Get out one old printer related text, everyone jumps on it. We all suffer from printer bods but it´s oh so nineties. Sorry Sir, a fail this time.

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This 125mph train is fitted with LASERS. Sadly no sharks, though

Richard Altmann

Re: Sadly no sharks...

No sharks here, but wolves:

http://de.academic.ru/pictures/dewiki/66/Bundesarchiv_Bild_101I-279-0901-31%2C_Russland%2C_Einsatz_des_%22Schienenwolf%22.jpg

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Richard Altmann
Pint

My

El Reg bookmark is broken. It linked me to "Bufferkissers Weekly".

Sincerly, standing in the ICE - Restaurant holding on to nothing else than a nice,cool draught beer while that beast flies along at 265km/h always fills me with great admiration for railway engineering. And beer of course.

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Man brings knife to a gun fight and WINS

Richard Altmann

Re: Not surprising

Is that you, Hiro?

Yours Truly

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Kenyan court case could sound death knell for mobile money

Richard Altmann

Re: also used in South Africa

M-Pesa really got what´s left of the East -African economy rolling. Passing by banks that behave like robber barons. Its M-Pesa or the islamic money exchange. "Brother Abdul? Brother Kenan just gave me 100$. So when his cousin Adnan shows up, you give it to him." It´s not about money laundry for the peasant, it´s about getting money from A to B without being robbed on the way (Western Union and Banks and the likes)

"very fast networks in urban areas, etc." Pse Sir, don´t make me love. Around 2000 the MTNs and Vodaphones rolled into sub saharan- africa. They promised the governments full, countrywide coverage of mobile connection in exchange for 10 years of not having to pay taxes or other dubious contracts. The results are BTSs on every hilltop, spoiling the african landscape. Only they never gave a shit about bandwidth management. Try to get through to Germany or even Nairobi from Kampala after friday lunch time until monday morning ... on whatever network you are on ... forget it. In Abuja, Capital of Nigeria, people carry 3 mobile phones with different SIM Cards in the vague hope, they might get through to someone or someone might reach them. Don´t mind the monster billboard ads for LTE which frequently collaps under strong winds and kill passing people. Same goes for Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. Djibouti? Forget it. Better get talking drums. Of course every court in sub saharan africa will give way to any law the banks demand. What with the lawmakers being overbribed "by being rich beyond my wildest dreams" by the banks.

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US team claims PARIS paper plane launch crown

Richard Altmann

Re: I've been tempted to do my own PARIS project

@Khaptain:Shouting "Das Schwein!! Das Schwein!!" and jumping up and down without end,

bystanders had to finally drag me to the lawn and dose me with a monster reefer to calm me down.

First and only time ever, that i lost the plot. The pig must have left the galaxy by now. Thanks for reminding me.

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'Space bubbles' may have helped Taliban down 'copter in bloody Afghanistan battle

Richard Altmann

Space Bubbles

What a lazy excuse. Where was the Awacs to support that mission? Could have just radioed in with line of site. Hell, even a semaphore connection would have done. But nowadays Morse code is no longer taught as far as i know. Wars are still fought grunt to grunt and it will never change. Keep it simple. Recently, a group of Chinhooks came back from the baltics and they had to make a stop over in Poland and ask the locals for direction. Are this space warriors too stupid to even use the Satnav in their phones? This is exactly the reason why all this "islamic terrorists" are so succsesful. They keep it simple. No high tec army in the world will ever stop a dedicated group of men with AKs and CB Band comms. Drone controllers in a bunker somewhere in the states doing 9to5 bombing Talibans and go home with some war syndroms? Pussys all around. You wanna go to war? Bring on the grunts! but they cant run anymore because of 40kgs of HiTec on their backs instead of a beltback ammo. When a gouvernment decides to go to war it needs a dedication. Now how do you get dedication to fight in some fucking desert/mountain region which your president does not even find on a map? Oh, and don´t forget gender equality. What the Fuck? And that is why this religiuos driven, dedicated people will succeed in their quest. Anyone remembers Frank Herbert? Dune? Butler´s Jihad? Destruction of all HiTec? Interstellar fall back to analog technics? There you go! Herbert saw it coming.

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SpaceX blasts a mischief of mice, a 3D printer and a cuddly toy* into SPAAAACE

Richard Altmann
Coat

Re: 57.7-foot ... robotic arm

The other is some pestilential hell hole in Africa.

Icon: The 51% percent "shareholder" of MY company grabbing the rest my fortune accept the 25k$ which i´m allowed to take with me when i leave the country.

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Edge Research Lab to tackle chilly LOHAN's final test flight

Richard Altmann
Flame

Pocket warmers

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Magic-Gel-Reusable-Hand-Warmer/dp/B000MU4IJ2

might do the job

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China is now 99.8% sure you're you, thanks to world's-best facial recognition wares

Richard Altmann

missed the point

"The systems already in place at arrival points work by matching Aussie or Kiwi passports against a stored photo and dramatically cut down on Customs wait times, much to this correspondent's delight. ®"

Since 9/11 the gouvernments of the world have a carte blanche in introducing ever finest methods of infiltrating the privacy of their people in the name of "War Against Terrorism". 9/11 is just such a sweet cover up for what every governement wants: Total control of their people. The Londoners don´t mind being observed by every step they take in the City. "I´ve nothing to hide, so i don´t mind" ... giving my privacy away. Only ... the world has been changed by NSA and their fellows. One is a suspect of everything bad until ... well, one cannot proof oneself not guilty of anything anymore. To Whom? One is guilty per se. The very moment my daughter passed the airport scan she has become a suspect for life, whatever about. She ever will be. But Hey! It " cut down on Customs wait times" . Al Qauida and NSA: One , Rest of the World: Nil

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Vote NOW for LOHAN's arboreal avoidance algorithm acronym

Richard Altmann
Happy

Re: Where are the trees?

Lester´s first law of HAB projects: What goes up, must come down ... ending up in a tree.

Don´t worry, there ain´t no desert rough enough to not produce a Magnetic Tree in the very moment of touch down. There might be an entitiy which is actually positively minded to HABalloners. It provides a soft landing in the foliage of a tree instead of having to witness a rocky crash, smashing the project to bits.

Just a thought :-)

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Richard Altmann

The

The

Wood

Avoidance

Technology

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Crack team weighs LOHAN's substantial box

Richard Altmann
Pint

Re: Just wondering ?

This treated wood package regulation exists for Africa as well. Even though one can ask what they afraid of. What with all the bugs, termites and man eating ants they have for themselves. When it comes to shippings from Australia that makes sense since they are playing in their very own league of nasty creatures. Your colleague Brid-Aine Parnell will be absolutely fed up with the job that is still ahead.

LOHAN´s intestines each need verification of the country of origin provided by the manufacturer of the parts. Customs tariff numbers have to be sourced. Finally the whole shebang has to be blessed by the Chamber of Commerce and that´s a nightmare even in Germany. Don´t want to know how effective spanish CoCs are. To launch LOHAN from a real Spaceport is of course top notch. But when that all is done and good it all can end with this grumpy customs officer who did not receive his bj in the morning. In Africa clearance of your goods is always just 50 bucks away. But i doubt it works in the US of A. To get to Kourou would not be a problem but it lacks the glamour and i doubt that you would be able to recover LOHAN. It would definitly end up either in the ocean or on top of a 50m tall djungle tree. So be good to Brid-Aine and give her all the moral support you can provide. She needs it. I´m going through this torture once a month. Therefore my pint goes to her. May she recover quickly.

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Redmond resists order to hand over overseas email

Richard Altmann

The Internet

was a vision of freedom of information and communication.

Now, by using the internet one is rendered guilty of everything by default.

Pse allow me to quote this chap:

"Of all tyrannies, a tyranny exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies.The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience."

Clive Staples Lewis * 29. November 1898† 22. November 1963

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Indian techies-in-training face down MAN-EATING LEOPARD - and WIN

Richard Altmann

Re: There was also an elephant in the room...

it was pink, so nobody saw it.

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NSA man: 'Tell me about your Turkish connections'

Richard Altmann

Conversation loop

About three times per year:

Boss: "I need you to go to U.S.A."

Me:"I will not!"

<loop>

He´s sending me all across the world and i love it.

States? No way!

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Richard Altmann

Re: What's wrong with Turkey?

"But then I've never met their politicians."

And you´ve never been to a german biliard hall.

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