* Posts by Crisp

2482 posts • joined 16 Jan 2012

What does EU farm subsidy get spent on? Yes, broadband for Irish farmers

Crisp
Silver badge
Boffin

I think bandwidth lake is more appropriate

The Internet is not something that you just dump a load of stuff on. It's not a mountain. You see, the internet is like a series of tubes. And if you don't understand, those tubes can be filled. And if they are filled, then emptying them would create a lake.

3
0

FBI: We unmasked and collared child porn creep on Tor with spy tool

Crisp
Silver badge

Re: I saw this documentary once

The problem with that is the children in that material are real people just like you and me, and they might not want their documented abuse available for perverts to use.

Would you want naked pictures of yourself available to perverts on a register?

5
2

Herbie Goes Under Investigation: German prosecutors probe ex-VW CEO Winterkorn

Crisp
Silver badge

Re: he was unaware of the "defeat device"

It doesn't really matter if he says he was unaware or not.

He is the CEO, and ultimately the buck stops with him.

13
0

Thousands of 'directly hackable' hospital devices exposed online

Crisp
Silver badge
Flame

That's bloody criminal!

Do they not know or just not care? Either way it's only a matter of time before some radiology machine gets hacked and someone gets a lethal dose of radiation.

It's not like they can plead poverty either. A decent IT staff costs a lot less than one doctor.

6
1

Will IT support please come to the ward immediately. Weeeee have a tricky problem

Crisp
Silver badge

I had an interesting case once...

The company I was working for at the time had a large number of old windows XP machines that I was maintaining and one user had an issue where her machine would keep switching itself off.

After looking at the machine and reproducing the problem but finding nothing wrong with the software, I decided to pop the case off.

Spiders started running out from everywhere and the machine was thick with webs inside. By some miracle of engineering the fan was still turning but only just. Anyway, after half an hour with a toothbrush and a vacuum cleaner I finally got the damn thing stable again and handed the working machine back to the user.

Naturally, she wanted to know what was wrong with it and how I'd fixed it. So I told her that the machine was stuffed with webs and spiders. "Oh... is that an internet thing" She asked.

"No." I replied. "You literally had a PC filled with spiders."

1
0

NEW ERA for HUMANITY? NASA says something 'major' FOUND ON MARS

Crisp
Silver badge

I'm surprised that no one has suggested Mysterons yet.

We know that you can hear us ...

0
0

We saw the future: Apart from the bath apps it looks like the past

Crisp
Silver badge

I was excited about the pinball coffee table...

Until I saw that it was £6,500...

And the pinball bit didn't actually work.

5
0

NIST's quantum boffins have TELEPORTED stuff over a HUNDRED KILOMETRES

Crisp
Silver badge

Ping times measured in nanoseconds.

This will revolutionise the gaming industry!

1
0

My parents don't know I'm in SEO. They think I play piano in a brothel

Crisp
Silver badge
Coat

Re: Okay...

Enema?

I'll get my coat.

6
0

Astro-boffins plan 3D plot of the universe

Crisp
Silver badge
Coat

What's the snow like there?

Apparently the telescope consists of cylindrical reflectors roughly the size and shape of snowboarding half-pipes.

0
0

BOFH: Press 1. Press 2. Press whatever you damn well LIKE

Crisp
Silver badge
Pint

A hollow voice says...

plugh!

10
0

We are the Knights who code Ni!

Crisp
Silver badge

The Ministry of Silly Languages

Have they applied for a grant?

10
0

BBC Micro:bit delayed by power supply SNAFU

Crisp
Silver badge

Re: Why new hardware?

What we need is a programming language based on txtspeak...

Hang on... That's CJam isn't it?

0
0
Crisp
Silver badge

Re: Why new hardware?

Have you tried doing any kind of non-trivial development work on a tablet? I wouldn't wish that experience on anybody!

14
0

Long-memoried boffins re-invent 1950s ferroelectric tech

Crisp
Silver badge
Boffin

Ferroelectric Memory

How does it work?

0
0

BAN the ROBOT WHORES, says robot whore expert: 'These AREN'T BARBIES'

Crisp
Silver badge

Does Howard Wolowitz's robot hand count as a sexbot?

I can see the line getting quite blurry if you can make the distinction in software.

2
0

IPv6 is great, says Facebook. For us. And for you a bit, too

Crisp
Silver badge

I learned a new word today: spruik

I'm going to borrow that one.

1
0

Let's NUKE MARS to make it more like home says Elon Musk

Crisp
Silver badge

An atmosphere would be nice...

But what kind of atmosphere would you get from nuking the poles? I'm guessing it would be mostly wet and full of carbon dioxide.

I'm thinking that comets rich in nitrogen ice aimed at the poles would give slightly better results.

2
0

Class action launched against Facebook over biometric slurpage

Crisp
Silver badge
Coffee/keyboard

Facebook Artificial-Intelligence Research Team (FART)

You owe me one new keyboard. (And a coffee)

4
0

SPACE WHISKY: Astro malt pongs of 'rubber and smoked fish'

Crisp
Silver badge

How much whiskey did they send up there?

And how much actually made it back?

3
0

Stench of confiscated dope overwhelms Catalan cop shop

Crisp
Silver badge
Coat

In other news...

Doughnut sales in Olot have gone through the roof.

7
0

OH DEAR, WHSmith: Sensitive customer data spaffed to world+dog

Crisp
Silver badge

"It is a bug not a data breach."

Why not both?

0
0

Swiss watch: Cuckoo-clock cops threaten Win 10 whup-ass can pop

Crisp
Silver badge

Ban the sale of Windows 10 in Switzerland?

How is that going to help? I thought Microsoft were giving it away for free?

5
1

Sysadmin ignores 25 THOUSAND patches, among other sins

Crisp
Silver badge

Is there someone you'd like to punch?

Would you like the complete list or just my top 100?

0
0

Camera-carrying DOLPHIN SPY caught off Gaza

Crisp
Silver badge

Re: Whatever next?

Narwhals with nukes?

5
0

Why do driverless car makers have this insatiable need for speed?

Crisp
Silver badge

Re: Automate the Pedestrians.

I'm working on it, but they keep wriggling when I try to implant the chips into their skull.

2
0

Has anyone lost 37 dope plants, Bolton cops nonchalantly ask on Facebook

Crisp
Silver badge

Re: Does plod know?

I've heard from a friend that you can get feminized seeds now. No need to weed out the males with them.

0
0

'I don't recognise Amazon as a bullying workplace' says Bezos

Crisp
Silver badge

It's funny how the king can walk through the city and see no poverty.

I'm willing to bet all his parcels arrive on time as well.

19
0

Reddit caves to Russian fungus censorship demands

Crisp
Silver badge

Material which "may elicit fear, horror or panic in children"

So.... every episode of Dr Who featuring Daleks then?

8
0

Flying Spaghetti Monster spotted off Angolan coast

Crisp
Silver badge
Coat

It looks like a real life tentacle monster.

Thankfully it looks far to small to pose any real kind of threat to a Japanese girl's school.

6
0

Monster Scalextric Formula 1 circuit to go under the hammer

Crisp
Silver badge

TCR was way better than Scalextric

But just like the Betamax vs VHS war, the less technologically advanced solution won.

1
1

Exploding Power Bars: EE couldn't even get the CE safety mark right

Crisp
Silver badge

You've got to love that quote from them...

"We strongly refute any suggestion that safety concerns were ignored or dismissed without careful consideration."

After reading that I was left with the impression that after careful consideration, the safety concerns were ignored and dismissed. Is that what they intended to say?

10
0

Put it away: Dwarf's 'supermassive' marvel is actually smallest thing boffins have ever seen

Crisp
Silver badge
Coat

This black hole is small .

This one . is just very very far away.

5
0

Painfully insecure GDS spaffs £21,000 on online narcissism tool

Crisp
Silver badge

Brandwatch monitors conversations happening online...

Because that doesn't sound creepy at all.

1
0

Stop taking drug advice from Kim Kardashian on Twitter, sighs watchdog

Crisp
Silver badge

Drugs for morning sickness...

If I were Kim I'd be very wary about endorsing something like that.

Then again, she's probably never even heard of Thalidomide.

19
0

Apple and Google are KILLING KIDS with encryption, whine lawyers

Crisp
Silver badge

I've said it before and I'll say it again...

-----BEGIN PGP MESSAGE-----

PakBAwNtRCE45qIFUpCj3Pjh3jRoPVmiQOb8n5PuhipuIP4v6ANCboWnCUam7NGd

VHuU2OLX36QWOoPI5Ewl9xto+3iqjlclTaiRlHo0JHU8EOv75BpjahzKhDCV2lMQ

q9QOHBESsU9xhk/t7gnT2EfhxzPHTb2N7fkPRFqItMU949hSvaYtN3AA80qxjkic

EF6QQjrw38UNz2IZGplKHFKT39laI7NywviI7LmfJYHMoIFhdz97Woad1MCMPq/G

-----END PGP MESSAGE-----

25
0

Lettuce in SPAAACE: Captive ISS 'nauts insist orbital veg is 'awesome'

Crisp
Silver badge
Pint

Could this technology be used to grow hops?

Just curious...

2
0

Indian carriers forced to send TXT for every 10 megabyte download

Crisp
Silver badge

So downloading Ubuntu @ 883 MB evaluates to...

88 sodding text messages that need deleting.

0
0

Boffins: The universe is DOOMED and there's nothing to be done

Crisp
Silver badge

If the cyclic model of the universe is correct, it would make a great big bang party too.

0
0

Want to download free AV software? Don't have a Muslim name

Crisp
Silver badge

Re: yeah, that'll stop thum pesky terr'ists

Don't be silly! People wouldn't just go on the internet and tell lies.

14
0

Junior defence staffer on trial for 'posting secret dossier to 4chan'

Crisp
Silver badge
Boffin

Unlucky...

He should have hidden himself behind 7 proxies.

4
0

AIDS? Ebola? Nah – ELECTRO SMOG is our 'biggest problem', says Noel Edmonds

Crisp
Silver badge

There isn't such a thing as death?

Try telling that to the family of Michael Lush.

15
0

W3C's bright idea turned your battery into a SNITCH for websites

Crisp
Silver badge
Flame

Re: The good news is...

That is not good news!

0
0
Crisp
Silver badge

Re: Seriously?

Remember, these are the same people that brought you the marquee and the blink tag.

4
2

Remember Impero, the school software biz that went ape over a vuln? Someone's got revenge

Crisp
Silver badge

Has the flaw actually been fixed?

I need to know for a friend...

3
0

Assessing the power of Intel’s SSD 750 … but check your motherboard before buying

Crisp
Silver badge
Boffin

Re: A Hard Disk - on a card?

My first 20Mb Winchester Drive for my 8086 came on its own full length ISA card.

(Yes... I'm that old.)

12
0

Lottery chief resigns as winning combo numbers appear on screen BEFORE being drawn

Crisp
Silver badge

Lottery employees who worked during the draw will have to undergo a lie detector test

Really?

Why not just throw them into a pond to see if they float?

27
0

This is TRUE science: Harvard boffins fire up sizzling BACON LASER

Crisp
Silver badge

Little practical use, but "very cool"

Don't most scientific discoveries start out like that?

On an unrelated note, how close are they to providing me with Superman laser vision?

2
0

Ashley Madison invites red-faced cheats to bolt stable door for free

Crisp
Silver badge

You've got to wonder about a website that charges you to delete your profile

But I guess you only find out about that once you try to delete it.

0
0

SPACESUIT, once FOUND ON MOON: Crowd action saves it for the public

Crisp
Silver badge
Coat

They could have at least ironed it!

It's all wrinkly!

0
0

Forums