* Posts by Crisp

2452 posts • joined 16 Jan 2012

How IT are you? Find out now in our HILARIOUS quiz!

Crisp
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Re: Printer hassles option E

Obviously the right answer is :

Please print out a printer repair form, sign it and date it and send it to IT support.

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Admin fishes dirty office chat from mistyped-email bin and then ...?

Crisp
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He couldn't look her in the eye?

What the hell did she do?

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BOFH: If you liked it then you should've put the internet in it

Crisp
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Paris Hilton

Have you tried using a lubricant?

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Lauri Love backdoor forced-decryption case goes to court in UK

Crisp
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Re: "A physical lock may be simply and quickly broken open"

If it can be simply and quickly broken open then it's a pretty shitty lock isn't it?

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Ad slinger Phorm ceases trading

Crisp
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Re: Would it be bad phorm to gloat?

More puns? Packet in the pair of you!

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Britain is sending a huge nuclear waste shipment to America. Why?

Crisp
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Can't we refine the waste?

Then recycle the uranium that we can use and dispose of the unwanted waste separately.

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That naked picture on my PC? Not mine. The IT guy put it there

Crisp
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Re: Some of the IT guys can be just as silly

Jolly good idea! Then everybody can see who's been slacking whacking off :)

FTFY

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Crisp
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Re: Nobody here watch porn?

Not at work I don't.

(expect for work on one website, and believe me, it's not the dream job that it sounds like.)

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Large Hadron Collider gets 4,500 more data-crunching GPUs

Crisp
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4,500 Nvidia Pascal GPUs

Sod how many petaflops they're getting! What's their frame rate like?

(inb4 But can it run Crysis. (It obviously can.))

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There's oil in that thar … Chinese space probe?

Crisp
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Re: Another idea.

That's why we need to perform the experiment Oengus. To see if we can get anything useful out of them with higher pressures.

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Angry Vodafone customers spark Ofcom probe after phone bill overcharge snafu

Crisp
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Testing. Vodafone have heard of it.

But it's just something other people do.

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George Bush naked selfie hacker Guccifer gets his day in US court

Crisp
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Old-fashioned investigative work

What? So the good old US of A didn't need to snoop on everyone's data to find the guy?

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Spies rejoice! Gmail, Facebook Messenger BREACHed once again

Crisp
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More illustrations by Randall Munroe please.

Even if you have to lock him up in your basement.

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Bloaty banking app? There's a good chance it was written in Britain

Crisp
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I worked at a place once where we got a bonus based on LOC

After

a

few

weeks

of

trying

to

read

code

like

this

.

It was quietly dropped for some reason.

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'No regrets' says chap who felled JavaScript's Jenga tower – as devs ask: Have we forgotten how to code?

Crisp
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My counter argument to David Haney is as follows:

Have you seen what happens when your average programmer tries to roll his own date handling function? Instead of trying to reinvent the wheel, why not use something that actually works?

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IBM's 'neurosynaptic chip' to power nuke-watching exascale rig

Crisp
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Re: Skynet will not arrive

Thanks to that wikipedia link, and checking brain to body mass ratios I found this:

The bony-eared assfish.

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Crisp
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Re: 2.5 watts ? Really ?

Apparently both the cores and the on-chip network operate without clocking.

That, IBM says, is the key to the low power consumption in TrueNorth.

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Crisp
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Gimp

Re: Skynet

I was wondering what those chips reminded me of...

It almost looks like a component from a Cyberdyne Systems model 101.

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Microsoft's bigoted teen bot flirts with illegali-Tay in brief comeback

Crisp
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They could have put that bot on 4chan

No one would have suspected a thing.

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Teen tricks leaky Valve into publishing hot new Steam game: Watching Paint Dry

Crisp
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The original was better

Advanced Lawnmower Simulator

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NASA discovers black hole here on Earth – in its software budget

Crisp
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Re: Imagine if this thing actually existed...

How well defined are the requirements? Poorly defined projects can go on for ever...

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Crisp
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In the past I've used an Escrow Agreement.

The code is held by a third party so that in the event that something unfortunate happened to the software company, we could still access all the code and documentation.

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Govt: Citizens, we know you want 10Mbps. This is the last broadband scheme for that

Crisp
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Re: No wonder it's rubbish...

It's more like series of tubes...

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Researchers find hole in SIP, Apple’s newest protection feature

Crisp
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Re: Three letter acronyms

Of all the other 17575 three letter acronyms out there, why did they have to pick that one?

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Sensors, not CPUs, are the tech that swings the smartphone market

Crisp
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Gear VR is a fantastic piece of hardware...

It's the software support that lets it down.

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Hands on with the BBC's Micro:Bit computer. You know, for kids

Crisp
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The same memory as the BBC Micro Model A of 15 years ago...

But will it still run Elite?

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Champagne supernova in the sky: Shockwaves seen breaking star

Crisp
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Re: Safe distance

The safe distance for your average over the counter firework is around 20-30 meters. A star is a lot bigger than a firework, so you'd probably need to scoot back a little further.

It'll be the radiation that will get you though. Obligatory XKCD Reference.

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Electronic Superhighway 2016-1966 – a retro: Texts, ar*se and ASCII rolls

Crisp
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"the classic film Casablanca is played back as live ASCII art"

Doesn't live ASCII art put a bit of a strain on the typists wrists?

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Why should you care about Google's AI winning a board game?

Crisp
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He made a fair move. Screaming about it can't help you.

Let him have it. It's not wise to upset a Wookiee.

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Only 12% of UK thinks Snoopers' Charter is 'adequately explained'

Crisp
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Of course it's a democracy!

Just like the Democratic People's Republic of Korea or the Democratic Republic of the Congo...

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Phorm suspends its shares from trading amid funding scrabble

Crisp
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It couldn't have happened to a nicer company.

Seriously, who in their right mind thought that customers would accept them doing deep packet inspection on their private traffic?

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Carolina cop cuffed for 'carjacking'

Crisp
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Re: So he'll be doing some hard time?

That's what happens when you contravene the penile code.

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UK.gov could reopen Google's £130m HMRC tax deal, says Parliament

Crisp
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Re: Most likely £130m.

You're suggesting they broke even?

I'd be willing to bet that the cost was a lot higher.

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Child tracker outfit uKnowKids admits breach, kicks off row with security researcher

Crisp
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Re: inaccurate statement?

That was the line that got me as well. "we do not approve of his methods because it unnecessarily puts customer data and intellectual property at risk"

Their customers data was already at risk. If it had not been at risk, his methods would not have worked!

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Confused as to WTF is happening with Apple, the FBI and a killer's iPhone? Let's fix that

Crisp
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All this has happened before, and all this will happen again.

We just want this one little tool. We'll only use it against terrorists we promise...

... Oh, and paedophiles ...

... and copyright infringers ...

... possibly against parents that might not actually live in the school catchment area that they say they do ...

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PC sales aren't doing so great – but good God, you're buying mountains of Nvidia graphics cards

Crisp
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Trollface

Why do I need that GeForce GTX 980 Ti?

3D business graphics of course!

Oh! And CUDA! I hear that's pretty big. It's essential for learning new programming techniques really...

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ESA's Sentinel satellite to ride converted ICBM

Crisp
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Mushroom

What does happen when an ICBM launch fails?

I would imagine that there's some way to disarm the bombs and make them fail safe, but is there really any way to do that when the main rocket motor fails and the whole kit and caboodle comes hurtling down towards Earth closely followed by 77 tonnes of rocket fuel?

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Council IT system goes berserk, packs off kids to the wrong schools

Crisp
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Terminator

I like the way they blame it on a computer error...

As if the computer suddenly gained a will of it's own and took it upon itself to send the emails with no prompting from a human operator.

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US Congress locks and loads three anti-encryption bullets

Crisp
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Re: Law enforcement just want a master key.

Which is exactly what will happen if governments pass a law allowing them to decrypt whatever they want whenever they want. That master key will be very quickly discovered and then disseminated through the internet.

And once that can of worms has been opened it will be impossible to put the genie back in the bottle.

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Crisp
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Law enforcement just want a master key.

Where's the problem in that?

09 F9 11 02 9D 74 E3 5B D8 41 56 C5 63 56 88 C0

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Picking apart the circuits in the ARM1 – the ancestor of your smartphone's brain

Crisp
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I like looking at pictures of chip dies

They are like little works of art all by themselves.

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Fleet of 4.77MHz LCD laptops with 8088 CPUs still alive after 30 years

Crisp
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Coat

The T1000 was impressive

Especially the way it could morph into practically anyone it liked and change its hands into stabbing weapons.

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Norks uses ballistic missile to launch silent 'satellite'

Crisp
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Mushroom

Did Ted Cruz watch Red Dawn and think it was real?

Wolverines!

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The Mad Men's monster is losing the botnet fight: Fewer humans are seeing web ads

Crisp
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Re: Complexity is fraud

We should have copied the Icelandic model and just let the banks fail.

Do you know what the knock on consequences of that were? Icelandic households will get £750 million of their household mortgage debt "cancelled", spread over a four year period.

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I love you. I will kill you! I want to make love to you: The evolution of AI in pop culture

Crisp
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Re: GLaDOS

Seeing as she was a copy of Cave Johnson's secretary Caroline, was GLaDOS a true AI?

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BT broadband is down: Former state monopoly goes TITSUP UK-wide

Crisp
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So that's the reason the phones are lighting up...

Of course the customer can't even get through to do a Google search, but somehow from their point of view it's our site that's the problem.

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Lincolnshire council IT ransomware flingers asked for ... £350

Crisp
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I'm not buying the "0-day exploit" story.

I think it might have something to do with government offices using things like Windows XP well after its sell by date.

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BOFH: In-depth IT training needs a single-malt distillery

Crisp
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Pint

Single-malt breakfast headache medicine

Is what I'll be calling it from now on.

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Feds slap Rentboy.com boss with further charges

Crisp
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Pay someone for sex, and they are a prostitute.

Add a video camera, and then they're a performer.

Why is one illegal but the other one isn't?

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UK Home Sec wants Minority Report-style policing – using your slurped data

Crisp
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May praised the work of the Police ICT Company, which aims to standardise the desperate IT

Is this the same police force that can't network their 43 separate systems together?

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