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* Posts by Bob Vistakin

904 posts • joined 24 Dec 2011

Bill Gates offends Koreans after sticking hand down trousers

Bob Vistakin
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Unhappy

Steve Blamer offends millions of Windows users

By sticking unusable new Windows "upgrade" down their throats, too.

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Report: Apple returned 8M shoddy iPhones to Foxconn

Bob Vistakin
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Facepalm

Someone noticed it was a batch that had not really changed much in 5 years?

Oh, wait...

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Google's Page drops the A-bomb: Google Glass runs Android

Bob Vistakin
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Facepalm

Re: News?

I was expecting Windows for Spectacles Consumer Edition 1.0 (tm)

"Hi! I'm Clippy. It looks like you're trying to use IE for Spectacles. Oh - I see this is standard CSS from 1998 - I'm sorry, I'm not able to render that without a dozen extra ActiveX controls, a reboot and compatibility mode being enabled. Would you like me to get on with that whilst you perform your operation, Dr. Chamberlain?"

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Nokia: OK, Q1 has been weak, but there's 'underlying' profit

Bob Vistakin
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Facepalm

And here's the statement had Nokia done the right thing

Record Android sales rocketed Nokias profits to their highest ever this year as they matched Samsung neck and neck for market share. CEO Andy Rubin commented "Our hardware excellence rewarded our loyal customers once again by allowing us to offer exactly what they wanted, with a wide range of Android handsets from the budget models aimed at emerging economies right up to our latest 6.5' MegaPhone range. Sales of our Android tablets are performing extremely well too, with their overall share set to overtake the iPad this year as happened with Android handsets a few years ago. Our extension into Smart Eyewear is also creating a huge buzz , but that's what you'd expect from the best R&D facility in the business, which has been taking on staff year-on year since the Android decision at a rate of 15% pa, as well as building more factories. I shudder to think what state Nokia would be in today had we not given our customers what they wanted, and gone with Android".

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Foxconn must pay Microsoft for EVERY Android thing it makes

Bob Vistakin
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Devil

Re: Mmmmmm...

This is exactly why it's just not possible to kick microsoft enough.

Its not enough that no-one wants their comedy new desktop OS - kick em now whilst they are down.

Its not enough that they can't shift as many of their pathetic phones in a quarter as Android activates in a day - kick em again even when they stop moving.

And its certainly not enough no-one even realises they have a tablet out - it's impact has been that minimal the needle didn't budge. Just read this story, and kick 'em again. And again.

And again - we don't want any chance of them coming back.

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Microsoft: FINE! We'll match Amazon - by HIKING cloud prices

Bob Vistakin
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Linux

Re: New ad

Exclusive! The new microsoft Smartwatch For those all-important times when Azure doesn't even know what fucking day it is.

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Internet Explorer makes modest gains against Google Chrome

Bob Vistakin
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Facepalm

And found the cries of "Ayyyyyyy Eeeeeeeeh!" just as comforting as the first time round it screwed up some standard CSS, or insisted on dozens of ActiveX "helpers" to be installed before rendering the simplest of pages and going into "compatibility mode".

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Four Apple execs among US top five best-paid in 2012

Bob Vistakin
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Happy

Hey, speaking of Blamer

We're 3 months into 2013: Microsofts year of hell and ZDNet has announced the death of Windows 8. It's such a shame - I really enjoyed giving it a good kicking.

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Facebook Home gets SMACKDOWN from irate users

Bob Vistakin
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Holmes

It's a great way to instantly identify assholes though.

That's anyone using it beyond the 5 minute curiosity window. 100% reliable, too.

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New York cops testing Big Brother crime-data Android app

Bob Vistakin
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Facepalm

New York Cops use Google Maps

Keystone Cops used Apple Maps

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Google tool lets you share data from BEYOND the GRAVE

Bob Vistakin
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Devil

That's funny - one just popped up in Cupertino

Dear Google,

Just letting you know all's well up here and just because I've been quiet recently it doesn't mean you're not to drop me off Google services please. If I had to rely on iPhone maps I'd be wandering round forever lost in limbo.

One more thing - can someone get legal onto the shape of the corners round the pearly gates here, I'm sure we could get a result. Looks like there a bolt there you have to slide to unlock too - double win!

Cheers

Steve

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Ahoy! Google asks US gov't to help sink patent 'privateers'

Bob Vistakin
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Devil

Where are Microsoft and Apple though?

Anyone else notice the two biggest patent trolls in the business for some reason modestly declined to sign up to this?

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Microsoft: 'Facebook Home just copies Windows Phone'

Bob Vistakin
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FAIL

But with Microsoft and Android, its "Patents First"

Blamer is on dangerous ground slamming anything Android - the $5 per handset they extort from its manufacturers is by far and away their largest revenue stream from mobile.

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Apple handed victory in Samsung text-selection patent case

Bob Vistakin
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Big Brother

You're selecting text wrong

Now no handheld device prior to 2007 allowed text selection? Or some pointless obvious variation thereof so it gave Apple a foot in the door to then go on and own the whole concept?

Oh, wow...

This again is good news - it just adds more to the torrent of ridicule the whole patent system is being deluged with.

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Major blow for Apple: 'Bounce back' patent bounced back by USPTO

Bob Vistakin
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Happy

Think different

Judge to Apple, after last years "victory" over Samsung: "Just one more thing..."

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Bob Vistakin
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Happy

Re: They'd be wise to let this go

Nah ... the humiliation isn't complete until they've been forced to apologize in the press. Then apologize again for, err, apologizing wrong the first time.

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Microsoft's summer update will be called Windows 8.1

Bob Vistakin
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Pint

Keep on polishing the Win8 turd till it rubs away to nothing

Now that's a policy I'll certainly raise my glass to.

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Steve Jobs to supervise iPhone 6 FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE

Bob Vistakin
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Pint

You're haunting it wrong

Jobs: "Siri, can you guide me to the pearly gates please? Yes, using Google Maps of course."

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Facebook prepares to dominate Android

Bob Vistakin
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Headmaster

"making the social network an ever-present companion for people with extremely low IQs"

FTFY

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Apple files patent for iPhone with wraparound display

Bob Vistakin
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Facepalm

What a good idea

Samsung had when they showed it first: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N3E7fUynrZU

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Apple in Chinese court over patent rights for Siri

Bob Vistakin
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Facepalm

Its them Wound corners

Siri, can you demonstrate to us what we mean when we tell others we can't have them stealing our inventions please?

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Bill Gates offers big bucks for better condoms

Bob Vistakin
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Wait a minute ... this Microsoft disease - does it affect all senior management in ways too filthy for mere mortals to comprehend? I mean, here we are reading about how Bill Gates is into condoms now, whereas the last we heard he was into toilets. Is Windows 8 the logical product of this unhealthy obsession?

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Wireless charging on the Galaxy S4: Samsung goes VHS not Betamax

Bob Vistakin
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IT Angle

Why all this fuss?

It's not on an iPhone so clearly no one has a use for it.

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Apple debuts two-step verification for Apple IDs

Bob Vistakin
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Facepalm

Re: Half Baked Attempt

That's a great idea. You could use NFC so that all you need is to tap the token on the back on your phone and you're done.

Oh, wait...

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Bob Vistakin
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Third step - they sue everyone else using it.

Let's not forget the mantra - if it's not being done by Apple, you don't need it. When they finally catch up and launch their copy, with some pointless miniscule distinguishing feature their sheep can cream themselves over (round corners etc), the whole magically now somehow becomes their invention, so they'll see everyone else in a court they bought in Texas.

The rare fourth step is when they try this in a country unswayed by their crap, and end up having to apologize in their press. Then apologize again for apologizing wrong :-)

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Apple pulls iForgot password recovery system over security bug

Bob Vistakin
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Facepalm

Their quaint little legacy phones continue to excite and amaze.

It's the superior Apple user experience, stupid. Nanny says so.

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Apple fixes iOS passcode-bypass hack with 6.1.3 update

Bob Vistakin
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Pint

Re: You're securing it wrong

Yes.

By the way - you're trying really hard to make people forget how arrogant Apple are, wrong.

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Bob Vistakin
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Big Brother

You're securing it wrong

Well, you were until this update. Now at last you've finally got it right, you stupid little user.

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Samsung's new co-CEO: 'Windows isn't selling very well'

Bob Vistakin
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Angel

Re: what's that noise?

The Samsung guy makes a very astute observation here.

I wonder - do you think he knows which religion the new Pope subscribes to?

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Bob Vistakin
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Pint

Re: It's not that Windows is not selling well

Spot on. Everyone in the chain saw what they'd done to the PC business so went out of their way to stop it happening in mobile. It's clearly worked - the chickens have indeed all come home, and that's the way it's gonna stay, folks.

Nokia were dead anyway - the microsoft tie up was a postmortem spasm.

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Bob Vistakin
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Holmes

Re: More dire news for Microsoft

Correct, but before we hear the sound of tears and violins for microsoft remember these are the patent trolls extorting $5 per handset from the good guys, thus making them a return orders of magnitude greater than their own comedy efforts.

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Samsung's new Galaxy S 4: iPhone assassin or Android also-ran?

Bob Vistakin
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Big Brother

Cupertino, start your photocopiers

This is the second generation of tech they failed to innovate from Samsung. Guess the first generation such as NFC, wireless charging, proper screen sizes etc they are still innovating from the first S3 will be here any year now.

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First Samsung Galaxy S4 review leak: Stop FONDLING, start FINGERING

Bob Vistakin
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IT Angle

Re: 8 processor core? 8?

The point on Android? Mucho - it's a true multi tasking OS, unlike the half assed "tombstoning" comedy effort Apple brainwashed their iSheep into believing is just the same, and hence can't make use of that kind of horsepower no matter how much they innovate Samsung.

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New Apple TV may hint at Apple-Samsung divorce

Bob Vistakin
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Facepalm

But what shape are its corners?

I can't wait for Apple to innovate a large, black rectangular device for watching moving pictures with sound on. It's what the human race has been waiting for all these years, and when they do finally think different and bring such a stunningly original genius invention to market, it's only right and proper they go round suing everyone else who copied their idea over the last 20 years.

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Microsoft exec selling his Surface tablet

Bob Vistakin
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The buyer would be wise to check the serial number

Caveat emptor

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HTC slays Nokia's two-headed Android patent dragon in Germany

Bob Vistakin
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Holmes

More to the point, which set of bastards are pushing Nokia this way?

Some evil losers are clearly pulling their strings - you can smell their desperation.

I just can't think who though. And since Nokia lost, this mysterious puppeteer can claim all ignorance, natch.

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Next Windows 8 version can ditch bits of Metro

Bob Vistakin
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Facepalm

Making Windows 8 look like Windows 7 isn't a climbdown?

Wow - I thought Apple had monopolized the reality distortion field.

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iPhone 5S and lower-cost sibling coming this summer?

Bob Vistakin
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Big Brother

Still with the tincy-wincy liddle screen?

I find it quite amusing watching them squirm around in the corner they've painted themselves into with this. One the one hand (ho ho) there is the famous "one size fits all so why change?" approach, and on the other there's the "gosh, the world really does want a bigger form factor - look at Samsungs' sales" but they can't because their software is totally unprepared for fragmentation, unlike a certain well known competitors who has been dealing with it for so long it has perfected it.

And no, I don't mean just adding another row of icons to a homescreen and letterboxing all the existing apps when needed.

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Global smartphones sales set to outpace standard handsets in 2013

Bob Vistakin
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Re: Definition please

There's no formal definition, but if you had to go for one distinction I'd say heavy internet support, so that covers browsing, email, downloadable apps etc.

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Google revs Motorola innovation with Guy Kawasaki hire

Bob Vistakin
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Facepalm

Rats, sinking ship, mountains of unsold iPhones...

Think different

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Tito's Mars mission to use HUMAN WASTE as radiation shield

Bob Vistakin
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FAIL

Re: Nooooooooooooo way

"Forgetful" Ed Balls too, but hopefully not in his Nazi outfit or his claim they come in peace would have as much credibility as his election manifesto.

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Judge slashes Apple's pile o' cash Samsung judgment

Bob Vistakin
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Big Brother

"Another slap in Cupertino's face"

And it's a face decent folk everywhere just never tire of slapping.

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Samsung Wallet slavishly copies inspired by Apple Passbook

Bob Vistakin
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WTF?

"Copy" legacy phones?

Apples quaint miniature toys have been frozen in time since 2007 - what kind of ass-backwards reasoning is this?

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Judge bins Apple's plea to slash $368m FaceTime patent damages

Bob Vistakin
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Happy

You're haggling it wrong

I can hear the laughter all the way from South Korea :-)

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Microsoft finally ships Internet Explorer 10 for Windows 7

Bob Vistakin
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IT Angle

Does it download Chrome any faster?

Surely that's the one and only time users get to see IE these days, after buying a system with Windows pre-installed or installing it themselves.

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Microsoft brings Azure back online

Bob Vistakin
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Devil

Microsofts "customers" get Ballmered again

Having stuffed them on phones, tablets and their comedy new desktop OS, destroying their faith in their cloud offering is an essential step in the slow car crash suicide that is 2013: Microsofts year of hell.

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Success for Einhorn: Judge blocks vote on Apple's Proposal 2

Bob Vistakin
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Pint

You're hoarding it wrong

Quite proud of that one!

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Microsoft secure Azure Storage goes down WORLDWIDE

Bob Vistakin
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Facepalm

For crying out loud! How many times????

This is a whole different kind of incompetence for which a word has not yet been invented. Seriously - this is the same me-too comedy "Cloud" offering from Microsoft which fell over last time because it didn't know about leap years? So hows that "lessons learned" thing coming on then?

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New blow for Microsoft Surface: Touch Chromebooks 'on sale in 2013'

Bob Vistakin
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Holmes

Re: "Blow"?

Lets face it - if it was announced the Babbage Analytical Engine was to be relaunched it would be a blow to Surface.

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Google stokes hype machine over Project Glass robospecs

Bob Vistakin
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Pint

Google glass is innovative. Really, genuinely innovative.

No effing wonder the best Microsoft can do is just look on green with envy, whilst sniping childish jealous taunts. The last innovative thing to come from them was their CEO's comedy furniture rearrangement antics.

I can hear the photocopiers in Cupertino starting up, too.

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