* Posts by Captain DaFt

2111 posts • joined 16 Jun 2007

Falcon 9 fireworks display grounds SpaceX

Captain DaFt
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Re: Relying on subcontractor self-assessments

I'd hope they were following rule #1:

Never take parts for in house testing from the top layers in the box.

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Microsoft backports data slurp to Windows 7 and 8 via patches

Captain DaFt
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Re: 10 update

"are Microsoft going to refund his £5?"

Yes. He can expect the check about the time Satan needs earmuffs and a wooly scarf.

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NVIDIA reveals GPUs for blade servers, Linux desktop support

Captain DaFt
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"folks investigate the new Tesla GPUs fro jobs other than VDI."

Aaand now I'm envisioning video cards with bushy black wigs.

(I know, I know, corrections button. But there's none on the mobile site.)

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Another chance to win a 6TB Western Digital Black hard drive

Captain DaFt
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No! More to the left,little buddy, move left, and hurry! That back itch is driving me crazy!

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Google robo-car suffers brain freeze after seeing hipster cyclist

Captain DaFt
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"I would have gotten out and knocked the wanker off his bike."

Oh yeah? Talk to this guy.

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Motorola monsters Apple's swipe-to-unlock patent in German court

Captain DaFt
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Re: Great...

Old joke:

What's the difference between lawyers and prostitutes?

A prostitute will screw you if you pay them.

A lawyer will screw anybody else if you pay them.

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Manhattan-sized iceberg splits from glacier – and spotted FROM SPACE

Captain DaFt
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Re: when measuring things in terms of Manhattans

"Robert, when measuring things in terms of Manhattans, one should use a standard cocktail glass."

"See, that's the sort of thing that results in space probes crashing into the sides of planets: mixing units of volume with units of area. Here, have one on me for spotting that."

But it was an area of volume; The area of Manhattan, 300 feet deep.

*sip* That's a lot of Manhattans!

land area of Manhattan - 59.1 square kilometres

300 metres

Manhattan cocktail glass - 4.5oz - 0.0001 metre cubed

(Looks at numbers, has mild panic attack)

59100 * 300 = 1730000 / 0.0001 = *Error, limit of liver exceeded!* er, 1,730,000,000 Manhattan Cocktails

DAMN! That's a lot of cocktails!

Caveat: The above was done by a dyscalculiac with a phone app, accuracy not guaranteed.

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Samsung smart fridge leaves Gmail logins open to attack

Captain DaFt
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Ahem

"Protecting our consumers’ privacy is our top priority, and we work hard every day to safeguard our valued Samsung users.”

BULLSHIT!!

If that was true, they'd have done the proper testing to ensure glaring mistakes like this weren't in the product before it went to market.

The real message is: "Protecting our profit is our top priority, and we work hard every day to safeguard our valued Samsung brand. So, here's some feelgood bullshit to placate our consumers.”

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Embracing the life-changing qualities of USB power packs and battery extenders

Captain DaFt
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Re: Super Model fallacy

"Free advice: With all due respect to the fairer gender, girls typically get thicker with age (as do we all, to some degree). So you have to, ahem, 'lead your target'."

/sarcasm And worth every penny paid for it /sarcasm

"Please excuse the indelicate nature of the topic."

"No. Twat."

Upvoted

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Captain DaFt
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Re: No substitute for a big battery

"Did you drop it many times, was the battery too hot, or was the back made from paper that you exposed to heavy rain?"

Probably similar to me, dependable phone, does what I need after nearly eight years of use*, and sees no need to change it.

*Had a nice chat* with the provider about four years ago, when they tried to discontinue service due to it being an old model, no other problems since.

**No, really! Rather surprising.

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Win8 inventory glut? Yep, it's all Microsoft's fault, says HP

Captain DaFt
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Re: Glutten Free?

"Consumers are waiting for glutten free PCs?"

"Gluten free, privacy free, it's all the same to the masses, innit?" - says an anonymous west coast source.

(Yes, it's sarcasm, for those too jaded to notice.)

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Salesforce back in the red, reviews future black ink orders

Captain DaFt
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-Its because they have to spread the revenues on the software licenses so as they grow they will still be showing losses - they are generating net cash so they aren't losing money. Its normal for growth license businesses to not show a massive amount of bottom line movement but they can still be net cash generating-

Tricksy, tricksy beancounters! Gollum hates them, Gollum hates them forever!

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Spotify now officially even worse than the NSA

Captain DaFt
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NASA dismisses asteroid apocalypse threat

Captain DaFt
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Re: Show me physical proof god exists

"Duh! Look around you. See any gods?"

Look! Look right here, an image of Christ on a tortilla!

No... wait a minute, that's Willy Nelson... Nevermind...

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Ashley Madison wide open to UK privacy lawsuits, claim lawyers

Captain DaFt
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Re: Might not be as easy as that...

-Can you sue someone for having lax security in this area? When even the most secure organizations are susceptible to betrayal from the inside?

If you disagree, consider the name "Snowden".-

Yes, But... A company that refused to delete sensitive information, even when paid to do just that?

They're screwed.

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Captain DaFt
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Re: Wait a minute

Class action Lawsuit's already started, led by a widower:

http://jist.news/ashley-madison-member-exposed-as-a-widower-leading-lawsuit-against-the-site

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Oi, Google! Remove links to that removed story, yells forceful ICO

Captain DaFt
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Re: Out of interest ...

"About 0.001% of Internet searches?"

99% of which are "Blobbo Baggins and his inflatable friend"

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Captain DaFt
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[link to link about post]

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Captain DaFt
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Re: Please remove the link...

Obviously, the only way to be sure that Google will never provide any link to Blobbo's indiscretion ever is:

if search.query contains "Blobbo Boggins", then return "No results found".

Huzzah! We're on our way to creating "non persons"!

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Microsoft will explain only 'significant' Windows 10 updates

Captain DaFt
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Re: The seem to be going in an unsavory direction...

"And reduce the functionality of your PC as soon as you go to Linux....."

Well, yes, If by "reduce the functionality of your PC", you mean "severely hamper others from using your PC to monitor you."

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Geeks on quest for world's most pointless YouTube video

Captain DaFt
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Re: Hell, it's pretty much ALL pointless now, isn't it...?

"hell, any actual interesting or useful content left on there is pretty much drowned out by all the friggin' bullshit."

You've pretty much just described all media, haven't you?

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Captain DaFt
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Re: But surely...

"In fact I think I'm going to order some packing supplies and then film an unboxing."

Still not as bad as a cartoon character, badly drawn in MS Paint, repeating some tired meme over and over in a ten hour loop while masturbating.

(My remaining vestiges of humanity prevent me from providing a link. Google at your own peril.)

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Computer Science GCSE male dominated, but geekettes are ready to rise

Captain DaFt
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Re: Sex

-"persons of the contradictory gender." You mean the distaff side.-

Well I was going to question whether computer sciences needs more naysayers of either sex, but that works too.

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Yet another Android app security bug: This time 'everything is affected'

Captain DaFt
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Well since they all seem to get used to put in backdoors, how about a Framer of Flaws?

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Captain DaFt
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Re: Why not call it a Google?

-Something else identified with Google. A beta of flaws, a hipster of flaws?-

Flaws+ of flaws? Naw... <ponders>... <inspiration!> Smedley, drumroll please!

A Corporation of flaws! Neat, and succinct.

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The Ashley Madison files – are people really this stupid?

Captain DaFt
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Re: Blocking dating sites has too much fallout

Upvoted for the laugh, but no, single.

Pro tip: You're more likely to score at the supermarket or laundromat than you are at a pub or online.

You'd be surprised by how many rather good looking women have almost no social life.

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Captain DaFt
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Re: Blocking dating sites has too much fallout

Plus, it's not possible to know about all the sites (and more coming online every week), unless you're the living embodiment of Leisure Suit Larry.

Until the news of the hack, I'd never heard of the site.

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Microsoft turns on Windows 10 file backup to Azure

Captain DaFt
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Re: the chance to store data for 99 years.

"Seriously, go back 99 years and see how many tech companies from then are still going now."

The Computing-Tabulating-Recording Company - founded June 16, 1911. They later changed their name to the International Business Company, IE: IBM

Bell Telephone Company, a common law joint stock company, was organized in Boston, Massachusetts on July 9, 1877

New York and Mississippi Valley Printing Telegraph Company merged with New York & Western Union Telegraph Company in 1856 to become Western Union

Edison General Electric Company which was incorporated in New York on April 24, 1889, later shortened the name to General Electric

It's amazing how long some companies have been around, gobbling up the competition.

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Camera-carrying DOLPHIN SPY caught off Gaza

Captain DaFt
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Boffins raise five-week-old fetal human brain in the lab for experimentation

Captain DaFt
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-The brain is at the same stage of development as a five-week-old fetus and contains 99 per cent of the same cells that you'd find in an in-utero equivalent.-

Plus totally sensory deprived. Still probably smarter than most politicians.

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Apple: Samsung ripped off our phone patent! USPTO: What patent?

Captain DaFt
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Re: The US Patent and Trademark Office (USPTO) IS THE PROBLEM!

"Kill The US Patent and Trademark Office (USPTO)."

A bit extreme, and what's to say that what replaces it won't be worse?

Simple fix: A handling fee, based on the company's/individual's net worth, that gets refunded if the patent is approved. If not, the USPTO adds it to the budget.

Now, how often do you think they'll approve a patent from US Megacorp if it means refunding a multi million dollar handling fee?

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A magic bracelet that unlocks PCs, dancing robot spiders, and more in Intel's circus

Captain DaFt
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Re: I think...

And how long before someone makes an app/gizmo that monitors the handshake between PC and bracelet, then fakes the bracelet when you're away?

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Microsoft drops rush Internet Explorer fix for remote code exec hole

Captain DaFt
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Paranoia speaks:

"Redmond's new Edge browser is not impacted."

I wonder why?

http://m.theregister.co.uk/2015/08/17/microsoft_replaces_windows_10_patch_update_wont_say_why/

Not that I actually believe that, but it does hint that there might be a "Vulnerability? What vulnerability?", as the updates silently churn in the background, type scenario coming.

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Boffins dump the fluids to build solid state lithium battery

Captain DaFt
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Re: Another week...

"Leyden jars all the way for me."

Trusted, reliable tech.

The only downside is the cat going bald from all the rubbing with a wool sock to keep them charged.

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Anti-botnet initiatives USELESS in sea of patch-hating pirates

Captain DaFt
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Re: Why not issue a kill command?

-"Laws specifically prevent it", namely the Computer Misuse act or your local equivalent.-

Funny old world, innit?

Remotely removing malware, bots and viruses without permission violates the law.

But Microsoft, Google, Amazon, Sony, a million ad peddlers, and any Five Eyes Agency can install, remove, delete, or alter any part of your system without permission, and it's all legal.

Worst they get is bad publicity when caught being blatant about it.

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Mozilla testing very private browsing mode

Captain DaFt
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Re: But does it block the java script too?

"What? If you want your site to be found by interested parties, 'vanishing' it in search machines doesn't quite make sense."

You know how it used to be done before Google 'sanitised' the web?

Link pages and web rings.

If you were interested in something, and found a site, it was always linked to other sites by these to other, similar sites.

The web was more of a community back then, instead of monetised virtual real estate.

Try joining a web ring* or putting a link page on your site these days, and count the minutes before Google smacks you down.

*Yes, they still exist. Not every site is a slave to Google.

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'Marshmallow' picked as moniker for Android 6.0

Captain DaFt
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"Marshallow"

Bland, soft, cloying, unsubstantial, can't take the heat without falling apart, and easy to poke holes in.

Is Google trying to tell us something?

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'I don't recognise Amazon as a bullying workplace' says Bezos

Captain DaFt
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Re: the real question

In the near future, I expect Amazon and Walmart will merge under that name.

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Testing times as NASA rattles Mississippi with mighty motor burn

Captain DaFt
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Re: alternatives?

Or just get Gumby's dad and a ladder truck: https://youtu.be/wt87rvCPViQ

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Captain DaFt
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Re: Evolutionary Dead End

Now, now, you have to admire the sense of humor of a $DEITY that arranged the laws of an entire universe just so the slower traffic is always ahead of you, and the faster traffic behind you, whenever you venture out on the road.

Sheer genius!

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Ofcom coverage map: 7/10 – must try harder next time

Captain DaFt
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Re: You cannot be serious...

"So he wants Ofcom to send some poor sucker out to cover the entire land area of the UK, cities, villages, fields, mountains, swamps and all, stopping every 100 metres, to measure the actual reception on every network? The phrase 'job for life' springs to mind..."

Odd, to me, the phrase "Can you hear me now?" sprang to mind.

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Hey, Apple, we’re watching Faulty Tellies. Gonna tell us why?

Captain DaFt
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Re: So Apple are doing the right thing

" So Apple are doing the right thing

for the customers and replacing the potentially faulty units.

No class action lawsuit.

Hardly news is it then?"

What makes this news is that Apple has a bit of a reputation for ignoring faults in its devices until the spectre of a class action suit is raised. "Holding it wrong" ring a bell?

So Apple doing the right thing without coercion is newsworthy.

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Riddle solved: Do bears crap in the woods? No – they're stressing out over drones instead

Captain DaFt
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Re: Kill the buggers

"I shouldn't have to point out things like Typhoon Soudelor or the tsunami that caused the disaster at Fukushima"

Not to mention, take the entire nuclear arsenal of mankind, then compare it to the rather mediocre (In Nature's terms) nuclear detonation our world has been orbiting for a few billion years.

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Whirling dervishes of blade and robot? FCC reaches for rubberstamp

Captain DaFt
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No sense of whimsy, these bureaucrats.

-"for residential use only" in hopes of keeping them tucked safely away from scientific research equipment.-

More fun if they carried the warning in big red letters:

"DO NOT USE NEAR RADIO TELESCOPES - BECAUSE ALIENS!"

It'd certainly make the conspiracy forums even more entertaining. :)

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Apple's AirDrop abused by 'cyber-flashing' London train perv

Captain DaFt
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Re: Violated from looking at a dick pic?

"Dont be a silly sod. The language people use sometimes is so over the top."

A more liberated female would have just tweeted the pic captioned, "OMG! Look at the teeny tiny wienie! It's MICROSCOPIC!"

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It's not just antivirus downloads that have export control screening

Captain DaFt
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Re: How do names get on these lists?

"Obviously no self-respecting trrrst would use his real name when buying online,"

Pick the likeliest scenario:

At Megaware's online software store:

"Hello, My name is Abdul Akabar, noted terrorist. I would like to order this restricted highly sensitive software. Please send it to 120 Bombed out Lane, Hot Spot, Middle East. My credit card number is... "

Or on IRC:

"Dude, 4k484R here, Where can I get a torrent for Restricted Software?"

This crap only makes life harder for normal guys, and amuses the miscreants.

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Two weeks of Windows 10: Just how is Microsoft doing?

Captain DaFt
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Re: Damned by faint praise

"As for the "killer-app", I think they believe it's Cortana and Universal."

When I read this, and the truth of it hit, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

So I laughed until I cried, Twice!

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Captain DaFt
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Re: "Despite these concerns..."

It also explains Windows RT. The RT stands for "Rubber Todger"

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Doubts cast on Islamic State's so-called leak of US .mil, .gov passwords

Captain DaFt
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Re: President Password

"Even so, if you can get away with "david9" on a .mil or .gov account then we're all completely, oh what's the technical term? AH yes, completely fucked."

Tell that to Gary McKinnon, he could use a laugh.

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Rise up against Oracle class stupidity and join the infosec strike

Captain DaFt
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Re: "I know where your personal details went "

How about:

"Google knows more about you than your mother does."

"Everytime you go online, an advertiser is listening."

"If you won't tell it to strangers in public, why the Hell do you post it on Facebook?"

Maybe I should write a book?

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