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* Posts by Captain DaFt

1454 posts • joined 16 Jun 2007

Massachusetts shoots down car dealers' Tesla-busting sueball

Captain DaFt
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Re: 500,000 Batter Packs

And this is why I'm so reluctant to hit the corrections link.

I'd miss out on lots of this type of banter!

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Bank IT bod accused of stealing $40 MEEELLION from employer

Captain DaFt
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Pffft, Amateurs!

They ought to do it like the big boys do:

Study finance and business management in college.

Then get hired as a bank manager.

Work your way as high as possible through schmoozing, ass kissing and double dealing.

Then once in position, use every legal/quasi legal/illegal trick to pump them suckers dry for billions!

True, it might take 30 to 40 years to get to the point where you can pull off the heist, but if you're not caught until that point, Instead of being arrested, you'll be given billions more to keep your hosts alive while you keep draining them!*

*Caveat: Does not apply to Iceland banks. There, you *will* be jailed when caught, and the people you robbed bailed out!

(What is wrong with their Government?)

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Boffins: Searching for ALIENS is like looking for PIZZA among students

Captain DaFt
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Re: Hmmmm.

"they have seen enough to know to stay the fuck away from us."

Or they're just following their prime directive:

"Any species that laughable will left to their own development because we don't want to ruin the joke."

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Starship Troopers beat Aliens, Robots AND Chuck Norris to WIN in a FIGHT

Captain DaFt
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Re: Just wondering

Obviously, Matt Cameron's rendition of 'Puberty Love'!

"Start the record player! Everybody, Cover your ears!"

http://killertomatoes.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/Puberty-Love.mp3

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Not pro Bono: Apple's audio junk mail made spammers' lives easier

Captain DaFt
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Reminds me of why we lock our car doors in the summer

If you don't, you come back to a car full of zucchini and tomatoes.

(These could be a tad more welcome than a U2 song popping up on your shuffle mode though.)

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Ex-Autonomy execs: HP's latest wad blows apart fraud allegations

Captain DaFt
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Sounds like typical buyers remorse.

"How dare, HOW DARE they let me waltz in here and buy this whilst screaming 'Shut up and take my money!', when they knew I was an idiot!"

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Go home Google, you're drunk! Desktop Maps says The Shard's TWO MILES from actual loc

Captain DaFt
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You won't find me on Google maps

But I'm hardly worried about it, since all the relevant delivery/emergency services know where I am.

Google my address, it points at wrong end of the road. All addresses on this street point to that one house.

Follow Google maps, and the road they show turns up a neighbors driveway and ends. Half the street isn't even shown.

It isn't like this is a new road either, it and several of the houses date back to the eighteen-forties.

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Intellifridge terror: Internet of Stuff kit must fend off hackers of the FU-TURE-TURE-TURE

Captain DaFt
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Live streaming webcams!

"Intellifridge? What would be the point of that? You'd never be able to watch it with the door shut."

But, You'll never have to open the door with Intellifridge!

Live streaming webcams on each shelf give you a panoramic view of all the contents streamed live to your iPhone (coming soon to Android) where ever you may be!

Plus, with Intellifridge's exclusive app, you get out patented Expiro-meter, which will show you a running countdown to show you just how long you have before each item in your Intellifridge hits its end of shelf life! and then, posts to your Facebook, Twitter, and Google+ accounts to remind you you that Intellifridge has already ordered more, and notified your Intellidoor to unlock so the delivery person can enter your home to clean and restock your Intellifridge without you having to lift a finger!

Intellifridge, It's easy! it's convenient! And of so PROFITABLE for us*.

*Note: By installing Intellifridge, you give us, the CON-glomerate Corporation, exclusive, life long access to any and all data we acquire about you, your family, neighbors and friends, and authourise us to sell it to any and all purchasers at a reasonable price.

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City hidden beneath England's Stonehenge had HUMAN ABATTOIR. And a pub

Captain DaFt
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Body parts missing?

Yeah, stump the band night was taken more literally back then!

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Apple's SNEAKY plan: COPY ANDROID. Hello iPhone 6, Watch

Captain DaFt
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Re: Eh?

Mind, I was talking about a real watch, not one of those inconvenient wrist wearable phone accessories with no battery life, day blind screen, and a dozen functions few people'll ever use

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Captain DaFt
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"So you're saying it should have been 'Digital Knob'??? ;)"

I think that's the normal person's name for 'wearable tech enthusiast'.

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Captain DaFt
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Eh?

"When you get down to it, lifting your wrist to your face is not much more convenient than reaching into a pocket."

Wristwatch:

1.twitch wrist

2.glance down, see time

Phone:

1. reach in pocket, pull out phone (try not to drop it if moving)

2. activate screen

3. hold phone up to face, see time

4. put phone back in pocket (try not to drop it again if moving)

Um, I think the wristwatch wins this one.

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BONEHEAD FANBOIS encamp outside Apple Stores

Captain DaFt
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Re: Marketing Hype vs. Desirability

"Nobody could genuinely be such an iDiot."

You'll get far fewer shocks in life by never underestimating the depths of stupidity.

(Hint: it's bottomless.)

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Microsoft's Office Delve wants work to be more like being on Facebook

Captain DaFt
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Re: Thanks MS

"Productivity keeps going down with each more complex package and OS."

So, they're succeeding in being more like Facebook then.

MS finally gets one right!

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3D scanning made easy: Reg man ponders terrifying Xmas pressie

Captain DaFt
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Re: I've Grown Accustomed To That Face

I was mentally picturing a Walking Dead chess set.

With the living on one side and the properly decaying zombies on the other.

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Limits to Growth is a pile of steaming doggy-doo based on total cobblers

Captain DaFt
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Re: Doing More With Less

Ironically, around the turn of the last century, it was the automobile that was praised as the end of city pollution just because of this.

http://www.banhdc.org/archives/ch-hist-19711000.html

Petrol stations miles apart to replace those stables on every corner, fields now available to feed a growing human population instead of feeding horses, and millions saved in waste disposal and disease prevention because cars only produce exhaust that disperses on the wind instead of tons of manure.

Of course, 50 years later, the auto had become just as bad as horses, and the nostalgic and clueless were pining for the good old days of horses everywhere.

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Want to buy a Woz-made Apple I? If you need to ask the price, you can't afford it

Captain DaFt
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Re: Meh @goldcd

"No way he can get identical parts today"

No? Then What's this?: http://www.willegal.net/appleii/apple1-kit.htm

Kits, parts, and likewise.

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Captain DaFt
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True nerds don't buy old computers

They copy them!

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NASA finds ancient films that extend Arctic ice record by 15 years

Captain DaFt
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Re: And yet...

Well, to be fair, he'd look a lot less like an idiot if he wasn't constantly buzzing about the planet on chartered jets to tell people that they need to reduce their carbon footprint.

(Oh, if only someone had invented some type of network to disseminate information globally from a single location!)

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Captain DaFt
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Re: Ancient?

"From 1964? Ancient? Thanks ever so much, I'm ancient too!"

Well, to be fair, technology ages a lot quicker than us mere mortals.

A 25 year old human is just hitting its stride, while some 25 year old tech needs archeological forensics to decipher.

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YES, I have ridden the UNICORN: The Ubuntu Utopic unicorn

Captain DaFt
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Re: why?

Not all investments are good ones.

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Video: Dyson unveils ROBOTIC TANK that hoovers while you're out

Captain DaFt
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Re: Still missing critical feature

Seriously, can't they put a pop up flap on top, and design the charging station to insert a duct to.. well, hoover out the robo-hoover while it's charging?

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DREADNOUGHTUS: The 65-TON DINO that could crumple up a T-Rex like a paper cup

Captain DaFt
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Re: I have to wonder what exactly this beast ate!

A personal theory of mine is that some dinosaurs must have had a gut flora similar to that of termites that helped break down cellulose into something more manageable.

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Apple Fanbois (and girls) already lining up for NEW iPHONE

Captain DaFt
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Interesting contrast here

A Reg article about the innovations and improvements on Samsung's new phones, followed by an article about Apple fanbois paying thousands for the honor of queuing up to by an iPhone they know nothing about (literally, they don't even know for sure if it even exists).

I... really don't know what to say, actually.

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CNN 'tech analyst' on NAKED CELEBS: WHO IS this mystery '4chan' PERSON?

Captain DaFt
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Re: Misuse of Word

"We the congoscenti will either have to find an alternative to replace the original meaning of hacker. How about code artiste or vim jockey or extreme keyboarder or even god forbid programmer?"

Well, I've always liked the sound of Kludge-meister!

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It's official: Brit parents want their kids to be just like Steve Bong

Captain DaFt
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Re: incoherent and annoying?

Most adults as well.

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BBC: We're going to slip CODING into kids' TV

Captain DaFt
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Re: *All* TV programs?

"OK, I'll bet that the 'code' shown was nothing to do with the story,"

Sometimes, it was actually the code that was run to generate the screens graphics:

http://moviecode.tumblr.com/post/74145306311/from-classic-doctor-who-episode-the-twin-dilemma

From the site:

"From classic Doctor Who episode The Twin Dilemma. The source is BBC Basic, and it controls what is on the screen later in the scene. "

In those low budget days, it was, "Waste not, want not".

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iCloud fiasco: 100 FAMOUS WOMEN exposed NUDE online

Captain DaFt
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Trust your data to the cloud they said

It'll be safe and convenient they said.

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Boiling point: Tech and the perfect cuppa

Captain DaFt
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Re: Tea in the US South

"Boil 1/2 gallon water. Add 6 cups sugar. Add ice. Serve."

Not quite, at least around here. You need twice as much sugar, plus they (Blasphemy!) add a tea like substance to the cold water, then boil them together.

The result is the most cloying and bitter concoction ever passed off as tea.

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Are we there yet, are we there yet? Ballmer 'like a small child' upon buying basketball club

Captain DaFt
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What I'd like to see.

And I mean really, really, REALLY want to see is Ballmer in a mascot suit, just being Ballmer at halftime!

(Hell, I might even watch a game for once just to see that!)

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Feds salute plucky human ROBOT-FIGHTERS

Captain DaFt
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Anybody notice how screwed we are?

First, This quote:

"The FTC isn't going to use any of the idea to build its own system to pull the plug on robocallers. Instead it hopes private companies will use the techniques the contest produced to make products"

Knowing Corporate mindset, the technique most likely to be used is this:

"The second phase, which the FTC called Attacker, "called on contestants to pretend to be robocallers and work out a way to avoid honeypots built to entrap them. Jan Volzke, CEO of anti-phone spam firm NUMBERCOP took the $3,133.70 with an Android robocall-dialer named "Droid Rachel," that was able to avoid honeypots."

FTC, what hath thou wrot?

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Captain DaFt
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Re: Laws need to be passed

"Being sentenced to live in a place with 24/7 Justin Bieber music would be a good punishment."

Eeeww! Just hang'em. It'd be more merciful!

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Mozilla's 'Tiles' ads debut in new Firefox nightlies

Captain DaFt
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Re: Fail. Fail. Fail.

"So your saying there's a chance."

There's always a chance. In this case I'd say about the time pigs flying through hell start crashing due to snowball barrages.

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Reg man looks through a Glass, darkly: Google's toy ploy or killer tech specs?

Captain DaFt
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Re: Well, no I'm not in favour of thumping people as a general rule but.......

"It would be as mad as a stranger walking up to you and asking "can I take your photo", it just isn't going to happen"

About as mad as being paranoid that lamp posts would want your picture, eh?

And yet, there the cameras are.

And like the lamppost. it isn't the person wearing the glass that's the problem, it's who's monitoring at the other end.

Disclaimer: I wasn't born paranoid, but recent events show it's the best policy.

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Netflix releases home-grown DDoS detectors

Captain DaFt
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Re: What's a dectector?

Um, One tenth of a tector?

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MEN WANTED to satisfy town full of yearning BRAZILIAN HOTNESS

Captain DaFt
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Yeah, right.

>rolls eyes<

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Oz fed police in PDF redaction SNAFU

Captain DaFt
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Re: Not the same bunch that didn't realize shared servers on one IP?

To quote some old parable from long ago:

"Why are you so bad at this? You're the cream of the crop!"

A voice from the back: "Scum also rises."

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Boffins attempt to prove the UNIVERSE IS JUST A HOLOGRAM

Captain DaFt
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Re: Interesting times

"In science, you can't prove a theory to be true. You can only prove it false.

But you also can't prove a negative, so where does that leave us?"

Same place science has always been: Building on the work of previous researchers, trying to build a platform high enough to glimpse the far-off ocean of Truth.

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Loss of unencrypted back-up disk costs UK prisons ministry £180K

Captain DaFt
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Re: ooh the irony

"Reduces their operating budget I'm guessing?"

Has anyone considered the leaks might happen for just that purpose?

Any budget surplus left over after the fiscal year is 'lost', and may lead to a budget cut the following year.

So... "We're having trouble getting this years budget spent!"

"Here, leave this laptop in your car and park it in front the Sleazy Pub with the windows down. There's enough sensitive data on it that the fines should cover the surplus!"

"Genius! No wonder you're the boss!"

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Experimental hypersonic SUPERMISSILE destroyed 4 SECONDS after US launched it

Captain DaFt
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Re: Ronald Reagan Ballistic Missile Defense Test Site?

Hey, at least under Reagan, We had a country tried and convicted of terrorist activities!

Whoops! It was the USA!

http://stoneagerefugee.wordpress.com/2010/12/25/the-u-s-is-the-only-country-in-the-world-to-be-convicted-in-the-world-court-of-terrorism-in-relation-to-mining-the-nicaraguan-harbor-noam-chomsky/

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Your move, sucker! Microsoft tests cloud gaming system that cuts through network lag

Captain DaFt
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So it insidiously coerces you to play the game a certain way, by rewarding 'proper' moves with less lag and punishing 'wrong' moves with more lag.

Ingenious, most players won't even realise that they're being controlled!

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Not really very live at all from London - It's the Vulture News videocast

Captain DaFt
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Have no idea what this was about

I was totally enthralled by that itty-bitty plush El Reg logo coffee cup!

Someone has some serious sewing skills!

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BAT-GOBBLING urban SPIDER QUEENS swell to ENORMOUS SIZE

Captain DaFt
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I'm surprised

That no one's linked to this yet:

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/225954106279458056/

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Is it an iPad? Is it a MacBook Air? No, it's a Surface Pro 3

Captain DaFt
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Re: The sad thing for Microsoft is ...

"When they finally get it right, someone else will copy it, only cheaper."

Um... Wasn't that the original intent?

Microsoft creates showcase tablets to show what Win 8 can do, then the real Manufacturers release tablets to an awe-struck world.

But it seems like MS has been left standing alone in the pitch holding the ball because no one else wants to play with them.

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Microsoft: We plan to CLEAN UP this here Windows Store town

Captain DaFt
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Re: Gee, d'ya think?

And here I was looking at the geological survey maps to see if there was a river that could be diverted through Redmond! :)

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TRIANGULAR orbits will help Rosetta to get up close with Comet 67P

Captain DaFt
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Re: bars

"They're also less well known than the Mars ones."

Eh, they've had a bad rep since NASA showed they water their drinks.

http://apod.nasa.gov/apod/ap050401.html

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Take the shame: Microsofties ADMIT to playing Internet Explorer name-change game

Captain DaFt
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Aw c'mon

As addicted to recycling as MS is, it'd probably be called:

Internet Bob

Internet Clippy

Internet Vista

Internet Kin

Internet Zune

Internet Metr... er, Internet Modern

or, to build on past success, Internet for Workgroups 3.11

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Yes, but what are your plans if a DRAGON attacks?

Captain DaFt
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Re: Council Exorcists.

"A psychic was paid £60 by a council to rid a County Durham home of a "poltergeist" after ghostly goings-on."

Meh, I would have done it for a free lunch.

I can absolutely guarantee that no house I have ever been in has ever demonstrated provable supernatural phenomenon afterwards*.

*Or previous to my visit for that matter, but people hate to hear that!

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NASA's rock'n'roll shock: ROLLING STONE FOUND ON MARS

Captain DaFt
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Darn!

looks like it would have been a hole in one if it hadn't cut right on the green!

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Know what Ferguson city needs right now? It's not Anonymous doxing random people

Captain DaFt
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Re: Meh

Well, according to a lot of soldiers on the front lines overseas, The Ferguson Police are better armed against protesters than they are against enemy combatants:

https://storify.com/AthertonKD/veterans-on-ferguson

(BTW, somebody just forwarded me a tweet that the Ferguson Police have removed their badges and nametags to keep the protesters from identifying them. If true, that's in violation of so many Federal laws!)

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