* Posts by Captain DaFt

1649 posts • joined 16 Jun 2007

Apple CEO: Fandroids are BINNING Android in favour of IPHONES

Captain DaFt
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Re: "Samsung’s fall from grace"

"In some countries, like the USA, MOST PEOPLE buy iPhones."

And in some countries, like the USA, MOST PEOPLE prefer Hershey's Chocolate. So what exactly does it prove?

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Does Big Tech hire white boys ahead of more skilled black people and/or women?

Captain DaFt
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Re: Its true here,

From somewhere (can't remember):

"So, um, to be blunt, what is your preference to be called, Black, colored, African American?"

"How about George, it is my name."

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FTC to Internet of Stuff: Security, motherf****r, do you speak it?

Captain DaFt
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Re: I would like to offically declare

"I am renaming "The Internet of Things" to "The Internet of Hype.""

Or you could call it "The Outer Limits Protocol": http://youtu.be/8CtjhWhw2I8

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BOT AN ABOMINATION: Mechanical DRONE VAMPIRE spreads wings

Captain DaFt
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So now we've got...

search and rescue robots that look like:

roaches, spiders, snakes, rats, and now vampire bats.

I get the distinct feeling that whoever's designing these is simply intending to provide disaster victims with the incentive to rescue themselves and get the Hell outta there before the search and rescue robots show up.

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SURPRISE! Microsoft pops open Windows 10 Preview build early

Captain DaFt
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Re: Be fair

And the meetings... oh God, the meetings!

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2015: The year of MAD TV science, but who can keep up?

Captain DaFt
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Re: Content content content....

".... and will there be any 'content' that's worth watching?"

Actually, yes, but as my granpa used to say, "As rare as tits on a junebug."

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Windows 10: The Microsoft rule-o-three holds, THIS time it's looking DECENT

Captain DaFt
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YOU WILL LOVE ME!!!

"We want people to love Windows on a daily basis,"

All these years, three different CEOs, and Microsoft still doesn't get it.

Nobody gives a tinker's damn about the OS unless it keeps getting in the way of what they're trying to do, and then they HATE it.

People buy computers to run software to do things, games to relax, and browsers to waste time educate themselves. The quicker and easier the OS lets them do what they want to do, without being a major pain, the better.

"We will make Windows 10 the most loved version of Windows ever."

Translation: Once we get Win 10 on your system, we will never let you forget, for a microsecond, that you are 'enjoying' the Microsoft experience, no matter what you're trying to do on your computer, and you'll never leave us again, because CLOUD!

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NASA probe snaps increasingly detailed shots of MOIST DWARF goddess

Captain DaFt
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Re: Uh oh...

Of course, There's a message from Ceres to Pluto that I found hilarious:

http://www.ratemyfunnypictures.com/index.php/7298/rate-my-dear-pluto/

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Facebook: Yo 'people'! Zap fake news on our giant ad farm, would'ja?

Captain DaFt
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Re: In that case...

Fox news has stated in court that they do not do News, they do 'infotainment'.

Reporters that try to report actual News are fired.

http://www.dailykos.com/story/2007/07/31/364678/-Fox-News-wins-in-court

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Polish chap builds computer into a mouse

Captain DaFt
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"Headphones are a possibility"

Been there, done that, didn't sell:

http://www.ruggedpcreview.com/3_handhelds_motorolasolutions_hc1.html

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This could be a case for Mulder and Scully: Fox 'in talks' to bring back The X-Files

Captain DaFt
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Re: Sequels,Prequels,Resurrections and Remakes

"something original and probably write it better too"

"Wow! Great concept kid, it's new, it's innovative, it's original, it's Fresh! Give me a call when you can guarantee a multi-billion dollar franchise out of it, and we'll talk. Until then, hit the bricks."

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Microsoft turns the power of FINE PRINT onto enterprise licensing

Captain DaFt
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Conspiracy Theory Time:

Who has infiltrated Microsoft's licensing dept.?

Apple? Google? FOSS advocates? The Illuminati?

Whoever they are, They are cunningly manipulating the system (and the accountants) into driving business customers away from Microsoft.

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NSA: SO SORRY we backed that borked crypto even after you spotted the backdoor

Captain DaFt
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Re: After carefully considering all the evidence...

"Is there another secret NSA where all the clever people are hiding, or is this as good as it gets in terms of America's national security?"

It's the age old problem of no one smart enough to do the job properly is dumb enough to work for'em.

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Captain DaFt
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Re: Anybody seen the Southpark with the former CEO of BP? Its coming.

Nah, this one seems more accurate:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h6BJJe9JV_A

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Google unleashes build-it-yourself 'Ara' SLABLET phones (in Puerto Rico)

Captain DaFt
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Re: No way, no how

"Modular smartphone, clickety, modular tablet, clickety, laptop, clickety, desktop, clickety drone, clickety nuclear warhead..."

And this is why it won't be a success, no matter how popular it is, the Law of unintended consequences.

The instant someone figures out how to assemble the parts to do something it wasn't intended to do, more easily and cheaper than the 'proper' paid for solution, it's toast!

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Samsung's first Tizen smartphone is HERE ... by which we mean India

Captain DaFt
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Re: Nice price point

"I would happily pay £92stg for a phone with that spec although I would prefer a few more pixels."

Not to pick on you personally, JassMan, but this is starting to be a major gripe with me.

Does anyone remember what a phone is supposed to do? Do any of the manufacturers?

A phone that can take such a high quality picture that you can count the hairs on a gnat's arse at 300 yards is useless if you sound like you're eating a fistful of crackers with your head stuffed in a bucket when you actually try to talk to anybody on it.

Lately, I've been able to tell when someone has a new phone when they call, simply because I can't understand a word they say!

"Mruf, pie gorpa pewpo! Quefu?"

"Uh, text me that, OK?"

Lamar: Dude, I got a new phone, Cool, huh?

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Cut a few BILLION off projected IT spend, m'kay? – Gartner mages

Captain DaFt
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FAIL

They're right, you know

Absolutely too much money has been wasted on IT the past year.

Just ask Sony, Staples, Home Depot, JPMorgan, South Korea, and many, many more how much they've saved in 2014 by cutting IT spending to the bone!

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Hawking and friends: Artificial Intelligence 'must do what we want it to do'

Captain DaFt
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Spoiler alert!

"It came up with a final answer of 43?"

No, it said, "Let there be Light!"

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Microsoft patch batch pre-alerts now for paying customers ONLY

Captain DaFt
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Re: How long

Apparently, you've never heard the official Microsoft Patch song:

"99 little bugs in the code,

99 little bugs,

Take one down, patch it around,

300 little bugs in the code!"

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Ugly Microsoft code NUKED Bing and Yahoo! – report

Captain DaFt
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Re: I guess

Just a tip for ya:

These days, high quality knickers that won't constantly twist-up on you can be had for very reasonable prices.

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Zuckerberg asks the public to tell him where to go in 2015

Captain DaFt
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Re: "gone nearly vegetarian"

"the only meat he ate was stuff he’d killed himself"

"I'm not sure "nearly vegetarian" is the best description to use here."

Obviously, he's a very poor hunter.

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UFOs in the '50s skies? CIA admits: 'IT WAS US'

Captain DaFt
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Re: Who else?

"Any sane person knows it was either Venus, swamp gases, or a meteo balloon..."

When in doubt, consult this chart:

https://eideard.files.wordpress.com/2014/12/us-aircraft-identification-chart-2.jpg?w=680

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Apple in 2007: Who wants a stylus? Apple in 2010: We want a stylus!

Captain DaFt
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"This isn't a stylus to write on a device. This is a stylus to write for example on a sheet of paper and having the results transmitted to your computer."

In other words; it's an ordinary computer mouse in a different form factor.

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Stale pizza, backup BlackBerrys, payroll panic: Sony Pictures mega-hack

Captain DaFt
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Re: So...

"...whoever it is who is currently their head of IT will soon be looking for a job, I reckon."

Or verry quietly about to get a big raise and promotion to keep him from going public with the emails of his own system:

Application for Disaster recovery plan:

DENIED! Too costly.

Funds to ensure server redundancy:

DENIED! Too costly.

Funds to update backups and ensure they're viable:

DENIED! Too costly.

Funds and personnel to do security checks/hardening:

DENIED! Too costly.

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Survey: Tech has FREED modern workers – to work longer hours

Captain DaFt
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But of course!

'54 per cent of respondents said the internet was "very important" to doing their jobs'

If most office workers didn't have the Internet to distract them from the tedium, they would've risen up in revolt, long ago!

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German minister photo fingerprint 'theft' seemed far too EASY, wail securobods

Captain DaFt
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Re: Biometrics? Meh!

"Just about any biometric other than DNA can be faked"

Problem is, modern DNA testing isn't that reliable:

http://www.marymeetsdolly.com/blog/index.php?/archives/925-Unreliable-evidence-A-look-at-DNA-forensics.html

Tl:dr: 10 to 13 points is the normally accepted baseline for identity, but that has been called into question.

IRL: it's often impossible to use DNA found at the scene to get more than 9 matching points.

So most courts say 'Good enough.', even though it's only narrowed the match to dozens, even hundreds of individuals.

(Just get an 'expert' to testify, "Totally Accurate!", and the jury accepts that.)

Still Tl;dr: DNA evidence that is used as infallible, actually doesn't prove the accused did it.

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Freedom of Info at 10: Tony Blair's WORST NIGHTMARE

Captain DaFt
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Re: Why?

True, but it's probably a comedy goldmine!

And where else will you read him admit what a total nincompoop he is?

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2014: The condensed conference keynotes

Captain DaFt
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The scary thing is, you won't have to look too hard to find a real conference like that these days.

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Makers of Snowden movie Citizenfour sued by ex-oil exec

Captain DaFt
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Re: This is one of those "Only in America thingies" isn't it?

"houses for the insane and government buildings"

Um, Getting a bit redundant there.

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GCHQ: We can't track crims any more thanks to Snowden

Captain DaFt
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Re: Suggestion for law enforcement

"Maybe, just maybe, real crime is not the agenda?"

Of course they're after 'real' criminals!

It's just that, in the US at least, there's been enough laws passed to make everything you do a potential felony!

http://www.threefeloniesaday.com/Youtoo/tabid/86/Default.aspx

Therefore, monitor everyone, because they're all felons!

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Solar-powered bra maker suffers 20,000 TITSUPs all at once

Captain DaFt
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Coat

So they're saying...

That their bras are a bust?

Because they're... <ahem>... Pokemams?

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Sucker for punishment? Join Sony's security team

Captain DaFt
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It's like advertising for a maid to do general housekeeping because the house has been bulldozed, innit?

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Norks' internet goes TITSUP in possible DDoS attack

Captain DaFt
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I can just picture Little Un having a tantrum:

"Er Leg site is stirr Borrocks! That's the rast stlaw!" And starting to yank out cables in a frenzy.

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Stop Xiaomi, oh stop Xiaomi: Samsung to debut Tizen mobe in India in January

Captain DaFt
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>Android waves hand<

"This Tizen't the phone you're looking for."

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YEAR of the PENGUIN: A Linux mobile in 2015?

Captain DaFt
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Re: Are Canonical still waiting for Intel to make x86 Phablets a "Thing"?

"What tablet computers have they been building for about fifteen years?"

Maxwell Smart voice "Wouldja believe Twenty three years, chief?" /Maxwell Smart voice

http://readwrite.com/2012/10/25/meet-microsofts-first-surface-tablet-from-21-years-ago (two year old article)

And they've tried (and failed) with every version since.

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Careful - your helmet might get squashed by a VOLVO

Captain DaFt
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Re: What a stupid fucking idea....

"The odd thing is that many motorists seem to have difficulty seeing cyclists who do have lights, even though they can spot hundreds without lights."

It's the way the brain interprets things.

You see the road the bike's headlight is illuminating, you see the twinkly tail light/reflector on the rear.

What the brain tends to completely ignore is the bike and rider sitting in the dark right between them!

I knew a guy that came up with a solution that I've tried and it works: Put a second headlight on the back of the bike, facing forward, so it illuminates the bike and rider.

Sounds stupid, but you'd be amazed at much more visible you are as a bike rider at night!

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Captain DaFt
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Re: "Your helmet might get squashed by a Volvo". F'narr! F'narr!

Reminds me of that old joke:

"That's why I'm divorcing you, Harry. You think a vulva's a type of car!"

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You have a 'SIMPLE QUESTION'? Well, the answer is NO

Captain DaFt
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Re: The real answer

Fun Factoid: In Japanese, 42 translates to shi ni, which alternately means "to die."

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Pick a superior Christmas No. 1 from El Reg's computer crooning compilation

Captain DaFt
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One big, wet raspberry

For the abuse of Reg readers by inflicting Spotify on us!

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TRAGEDY STRIKES Vulture News Central but details remain scrambled

Captain DaFt
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Sad ending, she was a good egg, but the whole concept wasn't what it was cracked up to be.

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Feds finger Norks in Sony hack, Obama asks: HOW DO YOU SOLVE A PROBLEM LIKE KOREA?

Captain DaFt
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Um, you do realize...

Before this security breach hit the news, the only people on the planet that cared, or mostly even knew it existed were Sony, NK, and the studio's investors.

Likely the attackers didn't know/care about it until the flit hit the Shan.

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Untangling .NET Core: Open source for Windows, Mac, Linux

Captain DaFt
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Re: You like MS Products

"Personally I think the Jury's still out on whether Elop was a trojan horse or just plain disfunctionally incompetent."

Take a look his record, pre-Nokia:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stephen_Elop#Career

That man's been a catastrophe where ever he's in charge.

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American bacon cured with AR-15 assault rifle

Captain DaFt
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Re: @Sporkinum: When I was in the Airforce

"OOI what is menudo?"

Mexican style tripe... or a boy band. Not much difference, really.

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ICANN HACKED: Intruders poke around global DNS innards

Captain DaFt
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Re: Come on - TheReg should know better

Well, 'cracker' is a racial epithet in the US, that's why the press avoids it.

I'd propose calling them 'diddlers' instead, but that has gained sexual connotations as well as its older meanings of time wasting, fraud and tinkering with things.

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/diddle

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ESA: Venus probe doomed to fiery death on weird planet's surface

Captain DaFt
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Somehow, this comic seems apropos:

http://techfox.comicgenesis.com/d/20141124.html

RIP little probe.

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Boggling bum babe Kim fails to 'break the internet' – Robin Williams instead tops Google charts

Captain DaFt
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Re: Kim k

Agreed. And a quote to back you up:

James Boswell - ”To be perpetually talking sense runs out the mind, as perpetually ploughing and taking crops runs out the land. The mind must be manured, and nonsense is very good for the purpose.”

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NASA asks world+dog to name Mercury's craters (back off, 4chan)

Captain DaFt
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Vote now!

Crater C: Tater Crater, for Foster "Tater, The Music Maker" Wiley - March 25, 1947 - September 10, 2010

http://www.deltabluesmuseum.org/news-tater.asp

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Cool Large Hadron Collider to fire into doubly powerful ring

Captain DaFt
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"Everything is exactly as it should be. Not a single surprise! Not a single bone thrown at us!!"

DESPONDENCY!

Nah, that'll just mean they're on the right track, and have to work harder to learn more, instead of throwing out current theory and starting over.

(Boffins are people too, and some people hate the thought of hard work just keeping the same old-same old going.)

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Senator: Backdoor for the Feds is a backdoor for hackers

Captain DaFt
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Re: Some hopes

"They're supposed to be serving US, aren't they?"

Oh, but they are!

Serving it on a silver platter to the greedy, the paranoid, and the short sighted.

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Searching to destroy ... Bing? Facebook JILTS Microsoft

Captain DaFt
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Re: The last time i looked there were 10 pages of comments

Ah, but you're not looking at it from a marketeer's angle! (Lucky you!)

Ten pages of comments? Who cares if they hate it, they're interacting with our new interface! Page hits up! More eyeballs to sell to advertisers! Success!

Now, if nobody'd posted a word about it, and hits on the site dropped off like an elephant's arse, the new look would've been history within 12 hours or less.

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