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* Posts by Captain DaFt

1280 posts • joined 16 Jun 2007

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MIT boffins moot tsunami-proof floating nuke power plants

Captain DaFt
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Re: And when the Greens get pissy...

"but do they have lasers on their heads?"

Here's Your freakin' shark with a frikkin' laser on it's head. Now can we let this this poor old tired meme die with dignity already?

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Elon Musk's LEAKY THRUSTER gas stalls Space Station supply run

Captain DaFt
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I understand he tried to file a complaint over the delayed delivery, but they told him that he hadn't a leg to stand on.

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Parent gabfest Mumsnet hit by SSL bug: My heart bleeds, grins hacker

Captain DaFt
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"Wow! All this hatred for MumsNet...

Really! Where?"

Don't you know? If you're not uncritically, unabashedly, and constantly praising them, You obviously must hate them!

Fools only feed on flattery.

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Forget the beach 'n' boardwalk, check out the Santa Cruz STEVE JOBS FOUNTAIN

Captain DaFt
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Re: Images per meter

"There is a street named for Steve Wozniak in San Jose. (Woz Way.)"

A one way street, I take it?

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Smartwatch sales off to a very slow start

Captain DaFt
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These puns are starting to tick me off.

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Scandal-hit Co-op Bank's CIO hits eject button after one year

Captain DaFt
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Re: going, going....

"What is going on?

Too many executives with dellusions of grandeur?"

I'd say they're delusions of competency.

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Spy-happy Condoleezza Rice joins Dropbox board as privacy adviser

Captain DaFt
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Re: What's the big deal?

Nothing to fear, nothing to hide?

That worked so well for Richard Jewell*, didn't it?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Richard_Jewell

a police officer, working part time as a security guard, He saved lives by evacuating people after finding a terrorist bomb.

Since they had no suspects at the time, authorities kept leaking hints to the press that he did it, wrecked his life and career for years.

You don't have to be guilty, they just need enough info on you to tar you with suspicion, the press'll do the rest.

*Just the first one to come to mind, he's not an isolated example.

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Captain DaFt
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For Sale:

One hungry fox. Excellent at guarding hen houses.

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LOHAN's Punch and Judy show relaunches Thursday

Captain DaFt
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Re: 7AM!

I know... Do they really expect me to stay up that late to watch!?

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Windows 8.1 Update: Throws desktop drones a bone but still as TOUCHY as ever

Captain DaFt
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Re: Time to change the metaphor

And the 'desk' is really a luncheon tray, with built in compartments, to guarantee that you keep everything where they want it.

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Report mash-up: Apple to sell 65 million $269 iWatches in first year

Captain DaFt
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Re: Where do I get an analyst job?

"I take it he's purchased a ton of Apple stock"

You've got the wrong end of the stick there. he's probably holding a lot of Quanta stock, and ready to unload it as soon as his analysis pushes up its price.

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Bendy or barmy: Why your next TV will be curved

Captain DaFt
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Oooo... pretty TV!

“Our curved TVs aren’t just beautiful, they’re works of art!”

And who cares? People don't buy a TV to to look at the TV itself, they buy it for the pretty pictures it shows and ease of use.

Maybe people cared back when it was a big box that filled a chunk of real estate in the room, but now that it's just a screen and bezel that fits on the wall, who cares?

Ah, I see the problem he's trying to solve here! All the TVs now look alike, and This is the attempt to make theirs stand out, even if it downgrades ease of use, like those @&#$% smart TVs.

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Windows XP is finally DEAD, right? Er, not quite. Here's what to do if you're stuck with it

Captain DaFt
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Re: "As of now, if a new vulnerability is written"

It's all there in the EULA:

"We are never at fault, software is provided 'as is' with no guarantee of usability.

Any problems you encounter are your own damn fault!

But... we retain full control over the software and will hit you with lawyer-geddeon if you so much as try to sniff around the code without onerous and expensive payments to us.

Summation: Any problems you encounter are your own damn fault, but we'll happily swap them out for others at exorbitant expense to you."

Now mind you, that's paraphrased a bit as I've condensed it down from the 200+ pages it occupies as full text.

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Vint Cerf wanted to make internet secure from the start, but secrecy prevented it

Captain DaFt
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Re: Irrelevant

It's just standard diversion, and poorly done!

World: "Why are you behaving so illegally and hurting everybody's business?"

NSA: "Hey, the guy that told you the truth about us is a lousy rat, so there!"

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Furious MyCloud users descend on WD website as borkage continues

Captain DaFt
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Cloud storage? More like fog storage.

"My data's out there somewhere, I just can't see it."

"Just wait til the fog lifts, then it'll be a cloud again!"

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The Punch and Judy show is LIVE NOW cancelled

Captain DaFt
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Re: CANCELED?

Must be this one: https://www.philcrump.co.uk/POPEYE

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Five-year-old discovers Xbox password bug, hacks dad's Live account

Captain DaFt
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To be honest, you could waste an afternoon listing the EO rules that Microsoft ignores, like number 61:

61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

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Captain DaFt
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Evil Overlord rule number 12: One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

Apparently MS fails as Evil Overlord.

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Where the HELL is my ROBOT BUTLER?

Captain DaFt
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Where the hell is my ROBOT butler?

Captain DaFt's laws of robotics:

A robot capable of doing human labor would have to be human sized to use devices designed for a human.

It will have to strong enough to perform tasks a human could perform. Eg: lift at least 50 pounds, have manipulators (hands) that can hold and handle items without crushing or dropping them.

It must be robust enough to do the above without damaging itself, and agile enough to do it without overbalancing and falling over.

It will have to be intelligent enough to carry out complex* tasks, recognize its owner, its owner's family members and friends, strangers**, and be able to recognize and respond to emergencies***. Not to mention recognize whether that item on the floor needs to either be fed, placed in the dishwasher, or the clothes washer, or the trash, or back on the shelf, or hidden discretely.

It will have to have a battery life of at least 16 hours, and recharge in at least 8, and still be available for emergencies during recharge cycle.

*Complex in this case means things like being able to fetch a beer for dad or mom, a soda for the kids, and not bring a bottle of catsup instead.

** In other words, recognize a burglar, and contact the police, instead of offering it a bottle of catsup.

*** No fetching a bottle of catsup in response to a heart attack, and no calling 911 because its owner is out of toilet paper.

It seems obvious now why I don't have a robot butler yet.

Robot pets are a different story. Remove the cleaning part of a roomba, BOOM! Instant robot cat!

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Organic food: Pricey, not particularly healthy, won't save you from cancer

Captain DaFt
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Re: Agenda here?

"If I were to say "I always drive my car into work", nobody would ask me to justify it,"

You've not been paying much attention for the past 50 years, have you?

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Captain DaFt
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Re: Crumbs

"remember that studies are funded BEFORE the results are in. For all you know the study may have been carried out by Mr. OrganicMcOrganicfarmsareace in the expectation of different results."

>Ahem<

"The headline result showed that eating organic food was not associated with overall cancer incidence one way or another (in fact there was a tiny increased overall risk of about 3 per cent, but it’s the sort of noisy result one can ignore)."

What do you want to bet that if the increase in cancer wasn't on the organic side that it would have been announced from the rooftops instead of ignored?

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El Reg's Deep Outback XP upgrade almost foiled by KILLER ARACHNIDS

Captain DaFt
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Re: Air con - for the computers I hope!

Rare, but it does happen, all it takes is High temps, high humidity and very little dust in the air.

Then when the temp drops, the air becomes supersaturated.

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Captain DaFt
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Re: Air con - for the computers I hope!

"30C is horrible for 2 days and then you get used to it - if you dont use aircon."

PFFT! 30C? That's what my AC is set on in the Spring and Summer!

Around here, 35C-38C is the Summer norm, though it can hit 40C+ for a couple of weeks at a time, with humidity at 80 to 120%.

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Captain DaFt
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NSA plans to FREE YOUR DATA with range of cloud services, analytics

Captain DaFt
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Re: Serious point

It's the personal little touches that the common man cares about: http://www.angryflower.com/survei.html

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Brit game devs WILL get tax relief for, er, EastEnders Game and Legend of Slough

Captain DaFt
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In all seriousness

Could this get someone updating classics like these:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Monty_Python_video_games

Or this?: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kingdom_O%27_Magic#cite_note-1

This?: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bored_of_the_Rings_%28computer_game%29

Or this?: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Boggit

(Yes, I have odd tastes in video games.)

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Dear Reg: What is a 'Lag' and a 'Jacksey'?

Captain DaFt
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Re: You have got it all wrong....

"Why would you even have wheels fitted to your bog?"

Well, when you gotta go, you gotta go!

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Terminator-maker 'Cyberdyne Inc' lists on Tokyo stock exchange

Captain DaFt
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So...

A company named after the company that produced terminators makes a device called HAL that turns people into Cybermen... I haven't seen this much meme mangling since this: http://i.imgur.com/hqFCN.jpg

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ECCENTRIC, PINK DWARF dubbed 'Biden' by saucy astronomers

Captain DaFt
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Re: Fahrenheit .... in space?

"Is there anyone with a clue what -432 Fahrenheit is without converting it to Kelvin (or possibly Centigrade) first?"

Damned freakin' cold!

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Zombie Nortel grabs Cisco by the neck, again

Captain DaFt
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Re: Mostly prior art

"Although it frankly is good business for me since I help fight them for a living."

Please, please, pleeeaaassse tell me you use louisville sluggers and napalm!

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Candy Crush King sees IPO go sour as stock price heads south

Captain DaFt
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We're worth Beellions!

"Why? We have the latest fad! Act now and invest heavily before the fickle masses move on to the next hot thing!"

Somehow, that just never seems to be a good idea, except to the one holding the fad, or people with more money than brains.

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Windows 8 BREAKS ITSELF after system restores

Captain DaFt
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Re: To summarise the posts so far...

"If you actually like Windows 8 or 8.1, you're a bit odd"...

Guilty! Now, I wouldn't touch it with a bargepole, but it's existence has provided me with more laughs online than anything recently. Mind you, in these days of NSA revelations, that's a rare treat!

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No Notch niche: Minecraft man in rift with Oculus after Facebook gobble

Captain DaFt
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Re: There is nothing "social" ...

Remember that episode of Futurama where they used VR to log into the Internet and Frye was nearly abducted by pop-up ads? THAT's Zuckerberg's vision of the future.

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Stop fondling that slab and shag, says lover rubber-glover

Captain DaFt
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Re: I know its necessary and all...

"But I can't think of less of a turn-on than having to use these damn things..."

Then you're doing it wrong! Let your partner slip it on you, as a part of foreplay.

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NASA: Vote now to put FLASHY LIGHTS on future spacesuits

Captain DaFt
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First thing I thought of when I read this

This adorably creepy kid's costume: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mChi1byyV3c

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Captain DaFt
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Re: Any votes for Cylon style sweeping red leds?

"His car didn't try to take over the world and enslave all humans. Or at least I don't remember that particular episode..."

Well, Kitt's prototype Karr was a bit nasty: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dCY1pmBxg90

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Ugh! This DUNKABLE wearable tech is REPELLENT

Captain DaFt
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Re: fluorocarbon mouse

"(plus I'm not sure viscosity even of fluorocarbons wouldn't be a problem for bigger critters)."

It's actually being used as in liquid-assisted ventilation strategy for respiratory distress. A real life saver for people that've nearly drowned in nasty water, or are suffering from acute pneumonia.

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Captain DaFt
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commercially available jetpacks.

Here ya go: http://www.jetlev-flyer.com/ have fun!

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Tornado-chasing stealth Batmobile set to invade killer vortices

Captain DaFt
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Good luck keeping it on the ground if they get it inside one

04/27/2011 - An F5 rated tornado hit Smithville, AL.

Among the other havoc, a ford explorer that was parked a half mile away from the town's water tower was picked up by the tornado and thrown into the top (That's right, the top!) of the water tower. The vehicle was then thrown an additional few hundred feet.

More details here: http://www.srh.noaa.gov/hun/?n=franklintoral

Picture of truck (it's the red lump in the foreground), and the water tower it hit (waay in the background). BTW, the flat blue and gray thing in the picture under that was a tractor trailer that got tossed a quarter to half a mile in the storm.

http://www.srh.noaa.gov/srh/srnews/stories/2011/outbreak_smithvilleEF5.htm

So, um, good luck with that van fellows, you're gonna need it!

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Vote now for the top reader Limerick limerick

Captain DaFt
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Re: A limerick by definition

A lady was swimming quite nude

When her clothes by the wind were all strewed

Then a man came along

And unless I am wrong

You expected this line to be lewd

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The Reg's guide to cursing in Mongolian

Captain DaFt
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“female hygiene accessory”

Whoever signed off on banning that must've been a real douche.

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Microsoft frisked blogger's Hotmail inbox, IM chat to hunt Windows 8 leaker, court told

Captain DaFt
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Re: Interested eh?

"I'm surprised anyone would be interested."

For some reason, most people are fascinated by train wrecks.

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Think drone delivery is hot air? A BREWERY just proved you wrong

Captain DaFt
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Re: AI is advancing!

Well, I saw;

A. Guy writing down GPS coords on a paper pad.

Hell, You never even see him verify a method of payment for the beer!

B. Then guy sets down box of beer outside, attaches drone.

You never see him program the drone... did it get a glimpse of the pad as it was carried out, or was he using a new-fangled bluetooth pencil when he wrote it down?

C. Drone flies to a group of ice-fishing huts, sets down,then pauses a second until someone approaches, takes off leaving beer. No verification of any sort.

How did the droid verify that the proper recipient received the beer? Or was it actually just leaving it there for anyone to come along and take?

So, Advertising land fantasy, or a method of dropping off free beer for whoever's in the vicinity?

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Captain DaFt
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AI is advancing!

I was impressed by how the drone was apparently able to read hand written coordinates.

Not to mention recognize the proper recipient visually, despite never having seen her.

Amazing what they can do with modern advertising these days.

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ZEPPELINS to replace Goodyear blimps in American skies

Captain DaFt
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Re: Blimp.

"It's an aonomatopœia it's sound it makes when you slap one."

That's apocryphal, slightly less so is that it came from the classifications:

Zeppelin Type A. Rigid

Zeppelin Type B. Limp

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Straight to 8: London's Met Police hatches Win XP escape plan

Captain DaFt
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Re: Know what day to go out on strike

"Aside from the fact that this is the police here, and they cannot go out on strike"

No, but they can get 'sick'. >hack, cough<

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/blue flu

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Wackadoo DIYers scissor-kick beatboxer

Captain DaFt
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Re: Since when ...

"Meanwhile, what the hell is "scientifical method"? Scientific is already an adjective, so what does the extra "al" add?"

A rare mistake for OED. It's supposed to be "Scientific Al method", similar to the American "Redneck Engineering".

Defined as any attempt to influence a situation that's preceded by the statement, "Hold my beer a sec, I'm going to try something."

See also: "Darwin Award"

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Captain DaFt
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Re: Nothing to fear, it's been happening since we started howling at each other from the tree tops

"But what word do I turn to once we've made "Cu-" mainstream?"

To be rudely blunt, there's always 'Belgium!'

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IBM: We gave NOTHING to the NSA, stateside or elsewhere

Captain DaFt
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Uh-huh

"We gave NOTHING to the NSA, stateside or elsewhere"

"We just pretended they weren't here while they were tapping everything, since we're not allowed to talk about it."

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Bill Gates-backed SOLAR POO RAYGUN COMMODE unveiled

Captain DaFt
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Re: One slight niggle

"how common are African odd-job-men who can hadle fibre optics?"

Unfortunately, quite a few it appears: http://www.oafrica.com/broadband/cable-theft/

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