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* Posts by Inventor of the Marmite Laser

233 posts • joined 16 Jun 2011

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Simian selfie stupidity: Macaque snap sparks Wikipedia copyright row

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: And this is why we call them 'Freetards'.

Slater "owns" the copyright, in exactly the same way as Nikon, or whoever it was made the camera does, or his mum for giving him the money to buy it. Slater doesn't "Own" the photo, because he doesn't and the monkey doesn't, because it can't (at least in the eyes of the law).

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Boffins spot weirder quantum capers as neutrons take the high road, spin takes the low

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

THREE states a cat could be in

Alive, Dead, and Bloody Furious.” ― Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies

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AVG stung as search revenue from freebie scanners dries up

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

"AVG - which is best known fro its freebie security scanner software - "

"AVG - which is best known fro its freebie security scanner software - and attendant "Optional" irrelevant parasiteware -"

More fixes

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Orange spent weekend spamming customers with TXTs

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

It's Orange.

What did you expect?

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Inventor of the Marmite Laser

post processing cost of 1 GBP.

Cheapskate. Mine's a tenner.

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BMW i8 plug-in hybrid: It's a supercar, Jim, but not as we know it

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

I'll throw my hand in as well, on that sentiment

Words, words.

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'BIGGEST BIRD EVER': 21-foot ripsaw-beaked flying HORROR

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Just imagine

That thing shitting on your car. It'd go straight through.

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Firefighters deliver trapped student from GIANT GERMAN LADYPARTS

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: err

Of COURSE we need one! It isn't REAL otherwise, as any El Reg fule know

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DON’T add me to your social network, I have NO IDEA who you are

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

“Fuck off and die” button

I'd even consider signing up to Faecebook just to use that.

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The cute things they say

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Boot, other foot

A good chum of mine was doing the Techie stuff for an outfit in Midle England, but this happened to him at home. With a rueful smile , he related something to me in on of our quiet moments, an event which just serves as a reminder it can happen to the best of us.

So he's there in his kitchen doing something foody in the wee small hours when the power goes off; the whole shooting match - lights, microwave, streetlights.

"Oh damn" he thinks. "Everything is off. All I need is a bit of light and I can find the torch. I lknow - Ill open the fridge and that'll just give me enough light."

Reaches for fridge door.

"On, no, wait a minute........"

Frustrating when there's no-one round to blame.

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Microsoft in hunt for the practical qubit

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Practical?

Microsoft?

After Windows 8?

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It's Google's NO-WHEEL car. OMG... there aren't any BRAKES

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: you don't routinely service an alternator.

Ah, yes. Someone else with a deep knowledge of the Modified Haynes Manual technique of automotive maintenance.

For those not familiar with the Modified Haynes Manual technique of automotive maintenance, it is based on a simplification of the instructions in the typical Haynes manual.

I cannot claim any originality for this, but it's worth posting again, just for the shitz and gigglez. Here goes:

Haynes Manuals - Simplified

Ah: Haynes Workshop manuals. There are many phrases and euphemisms which bear translation into everyday English. Here are just a few:

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.

Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.

Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.

Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...

Translation: That'll teach you not to read right through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Prise off...

Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...

Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...

Translation: PINGGGG - "Jesus, where the hell did that go?"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...

Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).

Haynes: Lightly slacken...

Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Weekly checks..

Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.

Haynes: Routine maintenance...

Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned you!

Haynes: One spanner rating.

Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to **** it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.

Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact, that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.

Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.

Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?

Haynes: Five spanner rating.

Translation: OK - but don't ever transport your loved ones in it again.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...

Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Haynes: Compress...

Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer...

Haynes: Inspect...

Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife, "Yep, it's as I thought, it's going to need a new one"

Haynes: Carefully...

Translation: You are about to suffer serious abrasions.

Haynes: Retaining nut...

Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...

Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Difficult to reach ...

Translation: Assembled at the factory and never meant to be touched.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.

Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.

Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...

Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...

Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Everyday toolkit

Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone (but don't forget your molegrips and hammer!)

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...

Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index

Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do.

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Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Dream? Nightmare!

Get rid of the stupid piece of error-prone, easily distracted and downright unreliable meatware in charge of the thing.

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Authorities swoop on illicit Wolverhampton SPAM FARM

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
Coffee/keyboard

Re: Time to get medieval

As Icon

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Microsoft walks into a bar. China screams: 'Eww is that Windows 8? GET OUT OF HERE'

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: breaking news!

Wonder whatever DID happen to AManFromMars

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Tesco to tout its own smartphone – now THAT'S an unexpected item in the bagging area

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: Far too creepy Tesco

You mean like most other behavioural advertising, which seems to tell you about stuff you've just looked at or stuff you've just bought, rather than the stuff you'll be looking for, next.

Either that or telling me people who bought this, also bought these - And I've never worked out what use there is for that piece of stupidity.

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IBM accidentally invents new class of polymers

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

What to call it?

My vote is

Strong

Novel

Organogels and

Thermosets

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Get BENT: Flexy supercapacitor breaks records

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: Connections?

Two F-ing big crock clips

Just don't come near me with them

Don't..

Don....

GAAAAAAAAAAAA!

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The amazing .uk domain: Less .co and loads more whalesong

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Ye fsking Gods

Just had a few seconds of teh video - cheese on an industrial scale!

Anyone notice that they have the Earth spinning the WRONG WAY in the first few seconds?

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Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: Meanwhile...

Nope. Thay're getting .innit names

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Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: The colour represents self expression, new thinking, and new horizons.

Its you.

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Behold! World's smallest 3D-printer pen Lix artists into shape – literally

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

You bastard!

That's got me wondering now..............

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Facebook preps ad network to TARGET YOU WHERE YOU LIVE

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: What's the point of that?

Surely no sensible person uses FB

There. Fixed it for you

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OK, we get the message, Microsoft: Windows Defender splats 1000s of WinXP, Server 2k3 PCs

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: Well...

And how are you off for cattleprod batteries and sacks of quicklime?

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Want a free Bosch steam iron? You'll have to TALK TO THE DEAD

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Well.....

Ouija believe it?

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Misco Shared Services Centre drone brands customer 'insane'

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Bloody amateurs.

You want REAL incompetence - try TalkTalk.

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Reg LOHAN spaceplane: Punch and Judy show in comedy non-explosive climax

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
Mushroom

Breast of duck next time

This post contains letters

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Tornado-chasing stealth Batmobile set to invade killer vortices

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Bloody Merican mutilation of English

Its "tyres" not "tires"

Tyres is wot goes on wheels.

Tires is the effect writing from a yank has on me.

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German freemail firms defend AdBlock-nobbling campaign

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: /sigh

you mean.... like... being honest? from an advertiser?

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Japanese boffins build 'earring PC' for hands-free computing

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: Wot, no pix

+1 - But only if it's PLAYMOBIL!!!!!!!

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Unmanned, autonomous ROBOT TRUCK CONVOY 'drives though town'

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: Military?

So, a bit like a train then?

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NASA probe orbiting Moon sights ANOTHER SPACECRAFT

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Playmobil

Or it never happened

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Do you wear specs? Google Glass offers YOU amazing live HD video

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Sausage break?

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China's Jade Rabbit moon rover might have DIED in the NIGHT after 'abnormality'

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Well.....

KAFRIGGINGBLOODYBOOM!

There.

Better?

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HP sticks thumb in Microsoft's eye, extends Windows 7 option for new machines

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

I'll wait for Windows 9

Or will it be Windows Nein?

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Survey: Yoof too COOL for Ferraris, want state-sponsored hybrids

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: Didn't Some one say....

I got a 32G USB stick hooked into me Passat that I can control perfectly well via the steering wheel mounted knobs and buttons, including skipping around folders and songs, etc. You don't need an iThingy.

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Intel ditches McAfee brand: 'THANK GOD' shouts McAfee the man

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: They all have different personalities

I now have a very odd urge to wash my keyboard

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'BILLION-YEAR DISK' to help FUTURE LIFEFORMS study us

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Surely there's only one acronym fo rthis?

Silicon

Nitride

On

Tungsten

I'll get my long lived coat.

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Microsoft yanks Surface 2 DIM SCREEN of DEATH fix in update snafu

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: 2000?

Be cheaper for MS to shell out on 2000 iPads and give them to the punters.

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Facebook to BLAST the web with AUTO-PLAYING VIDEO ads

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: But they can't be switched off, either.

Root the phone and rip it out.

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Inventor of the Marmite Laser

You don't "Use" Faecebook

You are the commodity. Advertisers are the ones 'using' Faecebook

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Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: Thank you Facebook

Yes. Easy to avoid. Close Faecebook account and don't bother going there again - like most sane people.

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Inside IBM's vomit-inducing, noise-free future chip lab

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: What are you doing tonight Emanuel Loertscher?

PARDON?

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DON'T PANIC: No FM Death Date next month, minister confirms

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

If DAB is the answer

It must have been a fucking stupid question

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Think unpatched Win XP hole's not a big deal? Hope you trust your local users

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: Quote "XP is like 13 years old. Get with the 21st Century."

However, unlike Wrongdows 8.x, a modern car isn't sold with the steering wheel on the roof or the gearshift in the trunk, requiring a trip to the custom workshop to get it sorted.

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BBC's 3D blunder BLASTED OUR BRAINS – Doctor Who fans

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: I've never understood the need for on-screen logos

1) doesn't compute: A watermark/ID could be buried unobtrusively in the datastream or in the image. it doesn't have to be distracting.

2) TV execs can READ?

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Build your own WORKING Sonic Screwdriver... for a UNDER A FIVER

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

But, but, but

Does it:

a) Actually unscrew things?

b) Blow the living shit out of (in)convenient bits of scenery?

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Oooh! My NAUGHTY SKIRT keeps riding up! Hello, INTERNET EXPLORER

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Well it's a case of

Bing goes for Bimbo

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Google RIPS aside curtain, exposes Nexus 5 phone, KitKat Android 4.4 coupling

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: Went and ordered one

Absofrikkin'lutely

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Capita splashes £57.5m on Eye-of-Sauron car-park watchdog biz

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

To crapita:

You may think you have discovered a gold mine

Beware of the shaft

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