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* Posts by Inventor of the Marmite Laser

263 posts • joined 16 Jun 2011

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All ABOARD! Furious Facebook bus drivers join Teamsters union

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

This

driving Facebookers to work before clocking off for a six-hour unpaid break.

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Robot deputy blasts possibly explosive Mexican beans with CANNON in 'controlled explosion'

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

'controlled explosion' my arse!

Lets see how 'controlled' it is. Try stopping one half way through.

You don't get a 'BA' without a 'NG'

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DODGY THRUSTER won't stop PHILAE hurtling toward COMET SHOWDOWN

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Ohhhhhh!

The anttiiiiiccccciiiiiiiiiippppppaaaaaaatttttttiiiiiiiiiiiiiooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnn

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Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: The thruster

Don't keep harpoon on about it until we know for sure

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FIRST for HUMANITY: Fridge-size PROBOT headed for COMET TOUCHDOWN

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: "an area the size of Wales is deforested every year."

Nah. Nuke Wales and have done with it

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This 125mph train is fitted with LASERS. Sadly no sharks, though

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Measurement Train

sounds like they're chuffed to bits

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ICO to fine UNBIDDEN MARKETEERS who cause 'ANXIETY'

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: You forgot

And did I say how soon the said items would be needed? No, sirrah, I did not!

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Inventor of the Marmite Laser

You forgot

The roll of carpet and the quicklime

But I'll forgive you.

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BAE points electromagnetic projectile at US Army

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: How are they going to fit it to his bicycle?

Screw your bicycle. What about the Frikkin' SHARKS?

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'Hmm, why CAN'T I run a water pipe through that rack of media servers?'

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: I'm currently using a condom for cooling!

Pastic or Rubber Integrated Cooling Kit

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Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: Marmite

Hear, hear

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It's even GRIMMER up North after MEGA SKY BROADBAND OUTAGE

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

translation

"caused by complications with planned network maintenance"

Watch out for my coffee cup.

Oops

What the fsck did you put it there for in the first place?

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Ancient Brits 'set wealthy man's FANCY CHARIOT on FIRE' – boffins

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: Shouldn't Worry

lovely - I WANT ONE

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Virgin Media DOUBLE-PUNCHED by BSkyB AND BT over ad fibs

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

That's pretty rich from BT

BT to Vermin Media

"Hullo? Pot here. Kettle; you''re black"

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Windows 10 feedback: 'Microsoft, please do a deal with Google to use its browser'

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: It would actually be a smart business move for Ms

No, no, no. They'd just turn it into another thermonuclear clusterfuck of fail

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AT&T to fork out less than two days' profit in bogus bill charge flap

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Fines

Should be levied as a % of turnover

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Anti-Facebook Ello: Here's why we're still in beta. SPAMGASM!

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Killer feature

The Fuck off and Die button

I'd sign up just to use that.

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Windows 10: One for the suits, right Microsoft? Or so one THOUGHT

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: Tiles should replace icons fully - everywhere.

Not quite. Microsoft could offer the facility of tiles as a free download, which would let people opt for it on its own merit, rather than having the edifice shoved down their throats.

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Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: Tiles should replace icons fully - everywhere.

Great, only my tablet wont be running Windows.

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Reddit trousers $50m to splash on ads, mobile and cash-generating staffers

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Another bunch of people for the "B" Ark

Like it sez

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Microsoft WINDOWS 10: Seven ATE Nine. Or Eight did really

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: Can I...

This IS Microsoft we are talking about here. What has that got to do with sense?

No, I would NOT like to put live tiles anywhere.

Well, maybe up the arse of the idiot that suggested them.

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Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: Combining the best parts of Windows 7 and Windows 8

Sort of Windows 7A

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Apple iPhone 6: Looking good, slim. AW... your battery died

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: I'm trying very hard to give a shit

@ h4rm0ny

Funnily enough, far from being totally jaundiced, I do have a quick look now and then to see if there is really anything I am missing, just in case I have somehow overlooked an improvement on sliced bread. Based on what I have seen so far, both in terms of the phone and the price, I am still failing to get anywhere near defecation mode

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Inventor of the Marmite Laser

I'm trying very hard to give a shit

and failing miserably

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Range Rover to fit trendy new SUV with FRIKKIN' LASER HUDs

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

What happens when it goes wrong?

Is that a clusterfuck?

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Le whoops! Microsoft France boss blows lid off 'Windows 9' event

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: There's little wrong with the bones of Windows 8.

Wot he said ^^^

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'In... 15 feet... you will be HIT BY A TRAIN' Google patents the SPLAT-NAV

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: NoNoNo

Not to mention the grilled sausage

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Forget bonking, have ONE OFF THE WRIST with Barclaycard's bPay

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: I've got one

It could be......... but that would involve being able to sit on the reader.

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Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: Which wrist do you put it on?

And how about an armless girl?

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MIT boffins cry havoc and let slip the ROBOT CHEETAHS of Whoa

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: Flexible spine

Weird. That was precisely what I was thinking when I watched the clip. At the moment the thing is more like a stiff doggie than a cheatah.

Which brings me to my question: do robot dogs leave electric turds?

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Simian selfie stupidity: Macaque snap sparks Wikipedia copyright row

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: And this is why we call them 'Freetards'.

Slater "owns" the copyright, in exactly the same way as Nikon, or whoever it was made the camera does, or his mum for giving him the money to buy it. Slater doesn't "Own" the photo, because he doesn't and the monkey doesn't, because it can't (at least in the eyes of the law).

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Boffins spot weirder quantum capers as neutrons take the high road, spin takes the low

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

THREE states a cat could be in

Alive, Dead, and Bloody Furious.” ― Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies

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AVG stung as search revenue from freebie scanners dries up

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

"AVG - which is best known fro its freebie security scanner software - "

"AVG - which is best known fro its freebie security scanner software - and attendant "Optional" irrelevant parasiteware -"

More fixes

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Orange spent weekend spamming customers with TXTs

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

It's Orange.

What did you expect?

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Inventor of the Marmite Laser

post processing cost of 1 GBP.

Cheapskate. Mine's a tenner.

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BMW i8 plug-in hybrid: It's a supercar, Jim, but not as we know it

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

I'll throw my hand in as well, on that sentiment

Words, words.

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'BIGGEST BIRD EVER': 21-foot ripsaw-beaked flying HORROR

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Just imagine

That thing shitting on your car. It'd go straight through.

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Firefighters deliver trapped student from GIANT GERMAN LADYPARTS

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: err

Of COURSE we need one! It isn't REAL otherwise, as any El Reg fule know

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DON’T add me to your social network, I have NO IDEA who you are

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

“Fuck off and die” button

I'd even consider signing up to Faecebook just to use that.

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The cute things they say

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Boot, other foot

A good chum of mine was doing the Techie stuff for an outfit in Midle England, but this happened to him at home. With a rueful smile , he related something to me in on of our quiet moments, an event which just serves as a reminder it can happen to the best of us.

So he's there in his kitchen doing something foody in the wee small hours when the power goes off; the whole shooting match - lights, microwave, streetlights.

"Oh damn" he thinks. "Everything is off. All I need is a bit of light and I can find the torch. I lknow - Ill open the fridge and that'll just give me enough light."

Reaches for fridge door.

"On, no, wait a minute........"

Frustrating when there's no-one round to blame.

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Microsoft in hunt for the practical qubit

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Practical?

Microsoft?

After Windows 8?

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It's Google's NO-WHEEL car. OMG... there aren't any BRAKES

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: you don't routinely service an alternator.

Ah, yes. Someone else with a deep knowledge of the Modified Haynes Manual technique of automotive maintenance.

For those not familiar with the Modified Haynes Manual technique of automotive maintenance, it is based on a simplification of the instructions in the typical Haynes manual.

I cannot claim any originality for this, but it's worth posting again, just for the shitz and gigglez. Here goes:

Haynes Manuals - Simplified

Ah: Haynes Workshop manuals. There are many phrases and euphemisms which bear translation into everyday English. Here are just a few:

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.

Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.

Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.

Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...

Translation: That'll teach you not to read right through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Prise off...

Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...

Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...

Translation: PINGGGG - "Jesus, where the hell did that go?"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...

Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).

Haynes: Lightly slacken...

Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Weekly checks..

Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.

Haynes: Routine maintenance...

Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned you!

Haynes: One spanner rating.

Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to **** it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.

Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact, that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.

Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.

Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?

Haynes: Five spanner rating.

Translation: OK - but don't ever transport your loved ones in it again.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...

Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Haynes: Compress...

Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer...

Haynes: Inspect...

Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife, "Yep, it's as I thought, it's going to need a new one"

Haynes: Carefully...

Translation: You are about to suffer serious abrasions.

Haynes: Retaining nut...

Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...

Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Difficult to reach ...

Translation: Assembled at the factory and never meant to be touched.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.

Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.

Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...

Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...

Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Everyday toolkit

Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone (but don't forget your molegrips and hammer!)

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...

Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index

Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do.

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Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Dream? Nightmare!

Get rid of the stupid piece of error-prone, easily distracted and downright unreliable meatware in charge of the thing.

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Authorities swoop on illicit Wolverhampton SPAM FARM

Inventor of the Marmite Laser
Coffee/keyboard

Re: Time to get medieval

As Icon

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Microsoft walks into a bar. China screams: 'Eww is that Windows 8? GET OUT OF HERE'

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: breaking news!

Wonder whatever DID happen to AManFromMars

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Tesco to tout its own smartphone – now THAT'S an unexpected item in the bagging area

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: Far too creepy Tesco

You mean like most other behavioural advertising, which seems to tell you about stuff you've just looked at or stuff you've just bought, rather than the stuff you'll be looking for, next.

Either that or telling me people who bought this, also bought these - And I've never worked out what use there is for that piece of stupidity.

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IBM accidentally invents new class of polymers

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

What to call it?

My vote is

Strong

Novel

Organogels and

Thermosets

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Get BENT: Flexy supercapacitor breaks records

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: Connections?

Two F-ing big crock clips

Just don't come near me with them

Don't..

Don....

GAAAAAAAAAAAA!

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The amazing .uk domain: Less .co and loads more whalesong

Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Ye fsking Gods

Just had a few seconds of teh video - cheese on an industrial scale!

Anyone notice that they have the Earth spinning the WRONG WAY in the first few seconds?

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Inventor of the Marmite Laser

Re: Meanwhile...

Nope. Thay're getting .innit names

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