230 posts • joined 16 Jun 2011
What did you expect?
post processing cost of 1 GBP.
Cheapskate. Mine's a tenner.
I'll throw my hand in as well, on that sentiment
That thing shitting on your car. It'd go straight through.
Of COURSE we need one! It isn't REAL otherwise, as any El Reg fule know
“Fuck off and die” button
I'd even consider signing up to Faecebook just to use that.
Boot, other foot
A good chum of mine was doing the Techie stuff for an outfit in Midle England, but this happened to him at home. With a rueful smile , he related something to me in on of our quiet moments, an event which just serves as a reminder it can happen to the best of us.
So he's there in his kitchen doing something foody in the wee small hours when the power goes off; the whole shooting match - lights, microwave, streetlights.
"Oh damn" he thinks. "Everything is off. All I need is a bit of light and I can find the torch. I lknow - Ill open the fridge and that'll just give me enough light."
Reaches for fridge door.
"On, no, wait a minute........"
Frustrating when there's no-one round to blame.
After Windows 8?
Re: you don't routinely service an alternator.
Ah, yes. Someone else with a deep knowledge of the Modified Haynes Manual technique of automotive maintenance.
For those not familiar with the Modified Haynes Manual technique of automotive maintenance, it is based on a simplification of the instructions in the typical Haynes manual.
I cannot claim any originality for this, but it's worth posting again, just for the shitz and gigglez. Here goes:
Haynes Manuals - Simplified
Ah: Haynes Workshop manuals. There are many phrases and euphemisms which bear translation into everyday English. Here are just a few:
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read right through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Haynes: Prise off...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size).
Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: PINGGGG - "Jesus, where the hell did that go?"
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).
Haynes: Lightly slacken...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: Weekly checks..
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned you!
Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to **** it up?
Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact, that would have been more use to you).
Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.
Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?
Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't ever transport your loved ones in it again.
Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife, "Yep, it's as I thought, it's going to need a new one"
Translation: You are about to suffer serious abrasions.
Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Haynes: Difficult to reach ...
Translation: Assembled at the factory and never meant to be touched.
Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.
Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...
Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone (but don't forget your molegrips and hammer!)
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do.
Get rid of the stupid piece of error-prone, easily distracted and downright unreliable meatware in charge of the thing.
Re: Time to get medieval
Re: breaking news!
Wonder whatever DID happen to AManFromMars
Re: Far too creepy Tesco
You mean like most other behavioural advertising, which seems to tell you about stuff you've just looked at or stuff you've just bought, rather than the stuff you'll be looking for, next.
Either that or telling me people who bought this, also bought these - And I've never worked out what use there is for that piece of stupidity.
What to call it?
My vote is
Two F-ing big crock clips
Just don't come near me with them
Ye fsking Gods
Just had a few seconds of teh video - cheese on an industrial scale!
Anyone notice that they have the Earth spinning the WRONG WAY in the first few seconds?
Nope. Thay're getting .innit names
Re: The colour represents self expression, new thinking, and new horizons.
That's got me wondering now..............
Re: What's the point of that?
Surely no sensible person uses FB
There. Fixed it for you
And how are you off for cattleprod batteries and sacks of quicklime?
Ouija believe it?
You want REAL incompetence - try TalkTalk.
Breast of duck next time
This post contains letters
Bloody Merican mutilation of English
Its "tyres" not "tires"
Tyres is wot goes on wheels.
Tires is the effect writing from a yank has on me.
you mean.... like... being honest? from an advertiser?
Re: Wot, no pix
+1 - But only if it's PLAYMOBIL!!!!!!!
So, a bit like a train then?
Or it never happened
I'll wait for Windows 9
Or will it be Windows Nein?
Re: Didn't Some one say....
I got a 32G USB stick hooked into me Passat that I can control perfectly well via the steering wheel mounted knobs and buttons, including skipping around folders and songs, etc. You don't need an iThingy.
Re: They all have different personalities
I now have a very odd urge to wash my keyboard
Surely there's only one acronym fo rthis?
I'll get my long lived coat.
Be cheaper for MS to shell out on 2000 iPads and give them to the punters.
Re: But they can't be switched off, either.
Root the phone and rip it out.
You don't "Use" Faecebook
You are the commodity. Advertisers are the ones 'using' Faecebook
Re: Thank you Facebook
Yes. Easy to avoid. Close Faecebook account and don't bother going there again - like most sane people.
Re: What are you doing tonight Emanuel Loertscher?
If DAB is the answer
It must have been a fucking stupid question
Re: Quote "XP is like 13 years old. Get with the 21st Century."
However, unlike Wrongdows 8.x, a modern car isn't sold with the steering wheel on the roof or the gearshift in the trunk, requiring a trip to the custom workshop to get it sorted.
Re: I've never understood the need for on-screen logos
1) doesn't compute: A watermark/ID could be buried unobtrusively in the datastream or in the image. it doesn't have to be distracting.
2) TV execs can READ?
But, but, but
a) Actually unscrew things?
b) Blow the living shit out of (in)convenient bits of scenery?
Well it's a case of
Bing goes for Bimbo
Re: Went and ordered one
You may think you have discovered a gold mine
Beware of the shaft
Me too, me too
Me too, me too
Wonder just how big his payoff will be
640k should be enough for anybody
Re: But does it blend?
Shoudnt that be iSplode?
- Put down that Oracle database patch: It could cost $23,000 per CPU
- The END of the FONDLESLAB KINGS? Apple and Samsung have reason to FEAR
- Pics It's Google HQ - the British one: Reg man snaps covert shots INSIDE London offices
- Review Porsche Panamera S E-Hybrid: The plug-in for plutocrats
- Mozilla fixes CRITICAL security holes in Firefox, urges v31 upgrade