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* Posts by ukgnome

1315 posts • joined 16 Jun 2011

Vulture 2 takes a battering in 100km/h test run

ukgnome
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I wonder if Mrs gnome would let me bolt a space plane to my MPV?

Jolly well done all ---->

Oh, and did you decide on your tree protector backronym thing?

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UK fuzz want PINCODES on ALL mobile phones

ukgnome
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Big Brother

It's simple, what we all need is a DNA lock.

Then we wouldn't need a PIN, and the thieves would need a vial of blood or summink.

Oh hang on............I think I have just legitimised police assisting people down the stairs.

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Yes, but what are your plans if a DRAGON attacks?

ukgnome
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Trollface

I pay my council tax, so answer the damn question already!

How many times has sacrifice come up as a legitimate answer for getting housing approved?

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You'll find Yoda at the back of every IT conference

ukgnome
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I think the main issue is that if you are giving a presentation these days then the audience of tie wearing free sandwich munchers assume that that you are a project leader. And we know how supremely awesome they are.

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Why your mum was WRONG about whiffy tattooed people

ukgnome
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Coat

which harvests energy from body fluid like sweat

Like sweat huh? So a million boys bedrooms will have self powering flash-lights soon?

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EE network whacked by 'PDP authentication failure' blunder

ukgnome
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This latest cock up has resulted in the following txt

Hello. The 4GEE phone plan you've moved to doesn't come with an inclusive add-on. You can buy a content add-on by visiting .......

Hmm I think they have not told the whole story.

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Hollywood star Robin Williams dies of 'suspected suicide' at 63

ukgnome
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Unhappy

Rainbow Braces at Half Hast

You see Ork is a planet. You follow the Big Dipper til it comes to a dead end then you hang an up.

*and anyone that wants an IT angle, then just check twitter, I like to think that Robin would me smiling at the fact that the numbtards have mixed him up with Stokes Robbie #Angel

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Chomp that sausage: Brits just LOVE scoffing a Full Monty

ukgnome
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@I ain't Spartacus

Maple syrup eggy bread with peanut butter and cheese (extra mature) it's simply awesome

Pancakes or waffles with cheese and fried egg is also for the win.

Basically we should go into business as potato croquettes are the king of potato breakfast items, unless you are sitting down to an Olympic at little chef.

As for vege products, basically quorn all the way if you can handle the incredibly loud farting afterwards. Fake bacon is OK, but only if you like the taste of frazzles. If you are having a vege fry up then have everything else in a bigger portion size and side step the meat.

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ukgnome
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Re: So basiclly,

"biscuits and sausage gravy"

Oh, you mean scones, except the way you have them is more akin to a cobbler.

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LOHAN acquires aircraft arboreal avoidance algorithm acronyms

ukgnome
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Bypass Arbour Protective System

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Fanfare of trumpets as LOHAN reveals mission patch

ukgnome
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Pint

So it's definitely helium then?

What am I going to do with with all the shares in hydrogen?

And when can we buy merch?

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EE rolls out London bus pay-by-bonk app – only fandoids need apply

ukgnome
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Devil

Oh, I see

next question - why the fuck would I want to be in London?

And does Uber halio do an app for the buses? with all these leaps of technology I am totally confused.

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ukgnome
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What the fuck is a london bus?

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Nice computers don’t need to go to the toilet, says Barclays

ukgnome
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Re: Stu 4

The pleasure and delight of a Greater Anglia experience.

I think everyone should have the pleasure.

Recently I was shouted at by a chap who told be not to vault the staff entrance barrier at Norwich. He melted down when I suggested that he didn't have a sign saying I couldn't vault the barrier. I don't think they like me much on their notwork.

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ukgnome
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Bless you Mr D

You must of known that I am at my second progenies birthday and released this early.

Many thanks

Dral, or is it Durl, or maybe Daram

*all are acceptable if I get a coffee at the end of humiliation.

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Windows Registry-infecting malware has no files, survives reboots

ukgnome
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Paris Hilton

And now you have infected me

because I read it on here

Paris, obvs - >

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Sneaker-maker Reebok cooks up performance-enhancing BACON

ukgnome
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Oh

so it's american bacon - yuck

Even as a British vegetarian I can attest that yank bacon is gross

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CAPTCHA challenges you to copy pointillist painter Seurat's classic

ukgnome
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Mushroom

Oh just fuck off already

Bloody stupid prove you're a human bullshit.

Why not ask a knock knock joke or something else. I am so fed up with stupid CAPTCHA, and don't even get me started on the audio versions.

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NSA man: 'Tell me about your Turkish connections'

ukgnome
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My pleasant passport chap tried this on a recent trip to LA...

His opening gambit was - spain are out of the world cup, now I don't give a rats ass about such things, but I immediately feigned an interest.

His second question was about what I did for a living, I was terrified as I work for IBM, and he wanted to know exactly what I did. I tried to make it sound exciting, I think I got away with it to.

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REG MAN penetrates GOOGLE'S LAIR

ukgnome
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But what freebies did you get?

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Ever wanted to be a Playmonaut? El Reg's Vulture 2 spaceplane sim reveals what it's like

ukgnome
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When can we buy SPB merch?

I want to shop my support with a stratodangle!

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Plucky Rockall podule man back on (proper) dry land

ukgnome
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Thumb Up

Typical Google

No streetview of the locations you actually want!

Bloody amazing chap - I'm just pleased he didn't have to squeeze gulls for precious sustenance.

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PROOF the Apple iPhone 6 rumor mill hype-gasm has reached its logical conclusion

ukgnome
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I think a lot of people are missing the point on this and are too happy to bash apple.

Currently in you Accessibility settings you can have the flash go off when you receive a message and the like. As the flash is a little harsh it can sometimes be obtrusive, so maybe a pulsing apple is a good addition. Same function, just gentler.

Hmm no tell me, does your android / winphone or blackberry do that?

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New Star Wars movie plot details leak, violate common sense and laws of physics

ukgnome
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Re: Tom_

This is also my view, the empire may of seemed scary at first but they brought about and end to piracy and trade stability. The Jedi were a bunch of fence sitters, telling people what to do but not actually doing much themselves. Basically they didn't give a rats ass about the massive deaths that they caused by going against galactic peace.

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Unbridled BONKING and rampant ROGERING at YOUR office!

ukgnome
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You have cheered me right up

Last weeks article was a bit meh, but this one......hang on I have a text.

Oh, it's nothing. Jeez your nosey, OK it was from my mate Jaime, yeah her, not my wife. She never texts unless she wants milk. My wife that is, sometimes jqaime messages me about pasta, I think that's because I said once I like pasta. I also like breast and painted toenails, does this mean I should ask her next time she's over from America? Oh where was I ....Oh yes, I quite liked reading this on.

Hang on, another text, oh it's a video on iMessage....Hmmm Seems she knows about breasts.

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Oh girl, you jus' didn't: Level 3 slaps Verizon in Netflix throttle blowup

ukgnome
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Re: Verizon can STFU & FOAD, Kthxbai.

Truly it may me the land of the free (they are not) and the home of the brave (more like the make do)

But the fact is the average Joe is continually been fucked by whoever they get there services from. When you have a country as big as the USA it seems that they are more controlled. They don't have the choices of the free and modern world. You only have to look at how much they pay for a piss poor service to realise that the roll out in a smaller country such as the UK is actually great value.

Yes we in the UK will moan about connection speeds and rural fibre, but seriously at least our nation can afford a phone in every citizens hand, and a decent data connection to use.

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German brain surgeon flies in for vital LOHAN operation

ukgnome
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Sysadmin huh?

I hope you're cattle-prod proof

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Running the Gauntlet: Atari's classic ... now and then

ukgnome
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Ahhhh

This cabinet game was a proper bonding game, so many randoms met as a kid down cleethorpes.

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Delaware pair nabbed for getting saucy atop Mexican eatery

ukgnome
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Re: Dammit Lester!

Nope - I mean Del Taco, I wouldn't set foot in a Taco Bell.

www.deltaco.com

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ukgnome
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Dammit Lester!

I want a shrimp taco now......why doesn't the UK understand the importance of mexican food?

If I start a kickstarter for a Del Taco where should I put it, and who would want to be in on it.

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Phone charging log helps to convict murderer

ukgnome
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Re: I think there's a moral to be derived from this story

Have an upvote

I have now invested in an android burner phone, erm for testing purposes....@Jedit, you are now my alibi

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DRONE WARS: Killers, spies? Nah, they're IDEAL for snapping pics of hot models

ukgnome
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Hmm can you....

fly them close to a kerb for all those up-skirt shots? - Daily Mail side bar, I am thinking of you.

On a serious note, I like the tech in camera drones, but the invasion of privacy is just a bit creepy. I would much rather that drones just kill and mame, at least you can hate them properly without been tied up in privacy and stuff (OK perhaps not as serious as I had hoped)

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Get an EYEFUL OF CURRY for the sake of your brain

ukgnome
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Excellent parody

of the what happened next meme, just wish I could remember what the article is about.

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Murdoch calls for ISPs to be liable for users' activities

ukgnome
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Re: Rebekah...

Don't be silly, she doesn't even know what a computer is, although it might be her friends hacking the down vote system.

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ukgnome
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Like so many comentards...

Why doesn't this wanker fuck the fuck off.

*for American readers, Wanker simply means a masturbater. If that doesn't sit well with you then please think of Rupert as a claw fisted cock juggler

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LOHAN seeks stirring motto for spaceplane mission patch

ukgnome
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In honour of spaced

T.F.U

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French telco takes on US rival Netflix... with whose dongle?

ukgnome
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We still are getting fleeced, just by a multitude of ways.

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New Doctor Who episode leaks online as proper trailer debuts

ukgnome
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Whilst I have no experience I do fancy living in Miami, and I hold an excellent data retention record. In fact I am so tight with data that no one gets any emails!

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The final score: Gramophones 1 – Glassholes 0

ukgnome
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Picbum

is such a disappointment, if Dabbsy is going to advertise things then I expect much much better.

No wonder he's all miserable, someone should kick him in the glasshole, and then snapchat it or summink!

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El Reg nips down IKEA's 'I've Got A Screw Loose Street'

ukgnome
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Is it wrong that I like to see ladies with pipes?

And does it have a particular name?

*Mrs gnome has a pipe that I insist she chews on when she is doing her degree work, well now she's on her forth I figure she has every right to be boffinised.

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Elon Musk to fund Tesla museum with 'ONE MEEELLION DOLLARS'

ukgnome
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Pint

I used to think that Musk was a massive cock....

And then he gave his patents away, and built a rocket, and actually turned out to be a decent chap.

AND NOW THIS! Any donation to open a Tesla museum gets my vote and yet another reason to give the guy a hug.

If they ran a web campaign to help the funding I would actually give a few quid, I have a massive soft spot for the father of the modern world. This has made Friday a bit better.

Hey Musk, I'm buying you a cold one -------->

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Verizon points more fingers at Netflix: It's YOUR pals slowing data

ukgnome
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Trollface

This is simple plumbing....

poor water pressure but massive drains for effluent.

I guess Verizon totally enjoy taking the shit and leaving their customers unwashed.

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Ham-fisted farmer fear: A peanut-butter-and-iPhone sandwich

ukgnome
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Coat

Would this make it a Kellogg phone?

Tasty Fruit and Fibre?

*I'm going, and I didn't have a jacket, I just sorta dropped it at work.

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'Ribbed' for your pleasure: Jony Ive unveils NAKED IPHONE

ukgnome
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Re: Seal

Whenever I see Seal i now think of the french for seal.

hey, it makes me laugh!

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New Bluetooth tech lets you control 4 BILLION lightbulbs at once

ukgnome
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will this create inner city dogging, no park required?

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Printed diode can slurp power from phone signals

ukgnome
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is it only me....

that sniggers when they read PNAS?

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Doctor Who season eight scripts leak online

ukgnome
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Re: Top Gear

I can believe that, after all my comments are written by a team of egotistical ramblers

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ukgnome
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Alien

Makes you wonder what other data the BBC accidental give away.

I smell NSA interference, Snowden was right or summink

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Dubai to get HUGE climate-controlled DOMED CITY and giga-mall

ukgnome
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It will be called Mega-City and will be policed by judges

*perhaps

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It's finally happened: Bloke builds BOFH-style goofing-off cattle prod

ukgnome
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Joke

Re:Computers don't have safe words

oh, but my computer does have safeword, and I am buggered if I can remember the phrase

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