Feeds

* Posts by ukgnome

1250 posts • joined 16 Jun 2011

The cute things they say

ukgnome
Silver badge
Facepalm

University Help desk

user - my email won't work

me - yes, it's become compromised and is sending out spam

user - I didn't do it.

me - have you answered any of these (phishing) emails

user - Yes, was that wrong?

me - blah blah phishing, blah blah security, blah blah why it's dumb, trust no one etc

user - OK got it, I was dumb

me - so to get your email working I just need your credit card number and security code.

user - sure 4566 7899 9988 9287 - and security 674

5
0

'Hashtag' added to the OED – but # isn't a hash, pound, nor number sign

ukgnome
Silver badge
Trollface

Has anyone thought to.....

ask Stephen Fry?

1
0

Move over, John Pilger, let us IT scandal-mongerers stick it to you

ukgnome
Silver badge

I refuse to read this

....and will simply wait 2 years until Mr Dabbs is ill.

*welcome back tecnotart

1
0

Spaceplane design nipper Ariadne gets a promotion

ukgnome
Silver badge

Sooooo........

Does this mean the Register will be opening a shop to sell this tat? How about a tat shop that gives to that there malaria charity?

Because I would have a cup, and a car sticker, a bonnet sticker wrap and also some motorcycle helmet stickers (notice I specified motorcycle)

0
0

Soccer Football in SPAAACE! ISS 'naut nails zero-G bicycle kick

ukgnome
Silver badge

regulation pitch sized?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/rules_and_equipment/4200666.stm

The length of a pitch must be between 100 yards (90m) and 130 yards (120m) and the width not less than 50 yards (45m) and not more than 100 yards (90m)

2
0

Greenpeace rejoices after getting huge renewable powerplant CANCELLED

ukgnome
Silver badge
Facepalm

Oh Lewis!

Maybe you could tell the full story rather than just the 33% you have actually written.

Sometimes I feel that you actually like the way your inbox fills up.

7
11

Swiftkey: We just want to be free - Apple didn't bump us

ukgnome
Silver badge
Unhappy

My fingers are too fat for swipe keyboards, and my accent too northern for talk to type apps.

I need a P.A.

0
0

Frikkin' LASER BEAMS on its head: Formlabs announces Form 1+

ukgnome
Silver badge

erm it's all well and good but...

Can it print me a tasty cake?

0
0

Mobe-orists, beware: Stroking while driving could land you a £4k fine

ukgnome
Silver badge
FAIL

Re: GOOD

The clue is - Dual Carriageway and Bus

I realise you were probably too busy texting your facebook or something to notice.

16
1

Stephen Fry MADNESS: 'New domain names GENERATE NEW IP NUMBERS'

ukgnome
Silver badge

I actually blogged a similar thing a couple of years ago, I like that Mt Fry likes tech, I like cricket and have very strong opinions on it. I will comment on cricket too, and sometimes I will even blog about it. This however doesn't make me a cricketer, and any cricketers out there could quite easily take some sort of trentsbridge with what I say.

Give the guy a break.

3
3

Facial recognition tech convicts man in Chicago robbery case

ukgnome
Silver badge

Re: "Zoom in just there..."

Can we get a clearer angle?

Sure, we can just pull it from that reflection!

2
0

Look inside ELON MUSK'S CAR! Tesla S wundervehicle has voom

ukgnome
Silver badge

Re: "The 125kW Superchargers work much more rapidly than the existing charging infrastructure.."

Well if a Tesla charges to full in an hour, and a leaf takes 8 to 12 hours then I would say much more rapidly.

0
0

Fantastic fantasy four-way fling – and family-friendly fun

ukgnome
Silver badge

Re: "The Peter Jackson films continue to do justice to this awesome source material"

I am so pleased I am not alone in this thought - I actually walked out of the cinema during LOTR and positively refuse to watch the hobbit. The fact that I can read the entire book during the cinema epic and still see the titles speaks volumes. The Lego game however is pure class.

1
0

I am NOT a PC repair man. I will NOT get your iPad working

ukgnome
Silver badge

C'mon Dabbsy - you have had a week off.

Having 2 is just greedy, unless you're having a spleenectomy or summink.

0
0

Tech talk bloke compares girlfriend to irritating Java tool – did he deserve flames?

ukgnome
Silver badge

Re: interesting variety of discourse????

So what you are saying is it's OK to be an unfunny misogynist as long as no one finds out? Does this translate to any other views? I find it hard to believe that anyone would happily sit themselves in the "I'm not, but" camp.

Granted it's all a bit of a storm in a teacup, but with so many dick heads saying there is nothing wrong with it. Well that just perpetuates the myth that IT is run mainly by men that live with their mum and can't get a girlfriend. Whilst we shouldn't hang him for the stupid slide we shouldn't applaud him either.

2
7
ukgnome
Silver badge

Re: The "it's a joke" brigade have missed the point

2 Things, in the old days - blah blah blah - get with the program, we don't live in the old days, and public speaking, by very nature is public. Maybe they should hire private speakers.

It concerns me that my peer group are a bunch of unfunny misogynistic twunts.

*oh calling you all twunts so publicly is actually a joke and you shouldn't be offended.

1
10
ukgnome
Silver badge
Joke

The "it's a joke" brigade have missed the point

Firstly jokes are meant to be funny or fuelled by sarcasm or irony. This attempt is just shit.

And secondly it's not for the tech community to judge, when this went out into the twatosphere others other than tech heads will of been made aware of it. This makes me, you and loads of other people in IT look like cocks. And whilst that might be true we shouldn't advertise it, unless it's y'know big cocks and that's what the women want, or men, or sheep....

0
12

Plucky Playmonaut bails out of smoking Vulture 2

ukgnome
Silver badge

Re: Playmonaut

His name is Plucky - although that might be just his call sign.

I believe they ejected his ejector seat to make for a lighter load.

0
0

Japanese finally produce a ROBOT which isn't DEAD INSIDE

ukgnome
Silver badge
Flame

Kill it.....

Kill it with fire

1
0

Fed-up bloke takes email spammers to court – and WINS PILE of CASH

ukgnome
Silver badge
Joke

Data Directive litigation troll

Is that like a film noir troll?

2
0

Londoners urged to cut landlines and take up wireless broadband

ukgnome
Silver badge

Re: Bonkers.

It wouldn't work in my village - but then again we don't have lamp posts.

1
0

Please be seated at your FOUR-LEGGED PC

ukgnome
Silver badge

Thanks for the bootnote - although cantilevers are pretty cool.

0
0

New iOS 8 SDK: Come in, apps. Get cozy, sip wine, swap numbers

ukgnome
Silver badge

Leaky sandbox - egg timer of doom?

If you let apps out of the sandbox, even innocent apps like swype then how long before you introduce vulnerability?

1
1

The hoarder's dilemma: 'Why can't I throw anything away?'

ukgnome
Silver badge

Get well soon Dabsy.

This particular reprint lacks the frustration and anger of your more recent pieces.

8
0

London officials declare cabbie-bothering Uber is legal – for now

ukgnome
Silver badge
Coat

I heard that the Luddite Black Cab drivers are also trying to ban A to Z guides and Google Maps also.

*the one with, oh no hang on, I left it in a taxi, I will never get that back now - TAXI!

1
0

100% driverless Wonka-wagon toy cars? Oh Google, you're having a laugh

ukgnome
Silver badge

Are they hackable?

Who wouldn't want to watch the fun of a hacked noddy car terrorising a truck stop?

Sort of the chocolate factory meets maximum overdrive.

5
0

Rich bitch sorority girls actually more likely to put out than low-class 'sluts': Study

ukgnome
Silver badge

WOW

it's scientific research like this that makes creationists seem reasonable.

Can't we all just enjoy/refuse a shag without the labels?

*when I say all I don't actually want to shag any of the commentards, they work in tech and are therefore too slutty.

2
0

Rap chap tapped for $3 BEELLION: Apple buys Dr Dre's Beats

ukgnome
Silver badge

@SuccessCase

TL:DR

0
2

Sony Xperia Z2: What we REALLY thought of this Android fondleslab

ukgnome
Silver badge

erm...

it's hardly amazing for the price. Think I will stick with the ipad.

0
4

It's Google's NO-WHEEL car. OMG... there aren't any BRAKES

ukgnome
Silver badge

The test cars have a plug in steering wheel and controls, apparently they can be removed once the system gets it's town car badge or summink.

2
0

'I was trained as a spy' says Snowden

ukgnome
Silver badge

In the nicest way possible - I simply don't give a frig.

He could be trained by Ronald McDonald to flip burgers for all I care. Yes, he showed the world the techniques through a prism, but in all honesty as someone else has said. ANYONE could of guessed.

2
4

Vodafone turns to EU, asks it to FORCE 'fair' fibre pricing

ukgnome
Silver badge

Re: 10mbps?

Probably not

I have just done a speed test on EE's 4G in Ipswich

and to say it's crap is an understatement - currently getting 3 mpbs on the downstream and 2 on the up

I was wondering if it's congestion, so I have carried out a test on 3G - currently getting between 2 and 4 on the downstream and between .5 and 2 on the up.

0
0
ukgnome
Silver badge

Voda repel and repulse me, they are the UKIP of phone providers.

Wanting all of the benefit with none of the commitment.

Pay your corporation tax and then we can discuss this more.

9
3

NOT APPY: Black cab drivers enraged by Hailo as taxi tech wars rage on

ukgnome
Silver badge

sworn enemies

I always though the mass transit systems were the sworn enemies of all taxi drivers.

After all it's hard to tell if the driver of a tube or bus is, how to phrase it, a UKIP voter...

14
4

Privacy International probes GCHQ's mouse fetish

ukgnome
Silver badge
Big Brother

Re: They destroyed this kit because.....

That's what they want you to think - it's all part of the conspiracy

0
0
ukgnome
Silver badge
Black Helicopters

They destroyed this kit because.....

It was all NSA standard kit that had been in the Guardians offices since 911 and they have been harvesting and implanting data every since.

How else can you explain all those misspellings in the stories they publish.

4
0

Look, pal, it’s YOUR password so it’s YOUR fault that it's gone AWOL

ukgnome
Silver badge

No end of Sharepearean sonnets will protect me from eBay’s lead windows or a Ministry of Defence civil servant leaving his laptop in a taxi.

Is that a deliberate error? Or an open source bard?

9
0

EBAY... You keep using that word 'ENCRYPTION' – it does not mean what you think it means

ukgnome
Silver badge
FAIL

I am going to wait 3 months before commenting on this, and even then I will let the BBC do the commenting for me.

0
0

eBay says database leak dump offers are fake

ukgnome
Silver badge
Joke

I am so pleased eBay are on the case, I feel a lot safer knowing this.

1
0

Are you senior enough to sit around a table with The Register?

ukgnome
Silver badge
Joke

What about us plebs? I have a box of throwing eggs and everything!

1
0

BRITS: Wanna know how late your train is? Now you can slurp straight from the source for free

ukgnome
Silver badge

Re: Branch line woes

Abellio Greater Anglia don't care....I consider you lucky that you get a bus replacement. I have never had one for the Norwich to Ipswich commute.

Some days it would be quicker walking, although hopefully the freight loop that goes live in Ipswich should \ could alleviate some of the delays.

0
0
ukgnome
Silver badge

Hopefully this will be used to kick the crappy services into touch. I foresee lots of user generated pretty graphs and tables all showing what we already know. Greater Anglia are the worst company...but you may disagree... in a barrel full of turds it's hard to find the best turd.

0
1

Rival BT sics ad watchdog on EE: ASA growls at 'most reliable broadband' claim

ukgnome
Silver badge

"most consumers" are indeed complete idiots, and at least 200 of them work in the same office as me...

3
0

E-cigarettes help you quit – but may not keep you alive

ukgnome
Silver badge

I quit with e-Cigs (sorta)

It's been over a year since I bought a packet of tabs or some baccy.....yay go me.

However, I do vape, it's like my pal, he's always with me and I like to suck on him.... OK maybe I should try that again...

I replaced my 20 - 40 a day habit with a PVD and not an e-Cig, I found the ones that look like a cigarette a bit pointless. So I invested in a normal looking refillable vape pipe. The thing is I din't stop there, mainly because of the modding community. So now I vape what can only be described as a hybrid mix of sonic screwdriver and wizard wand. It looks more star trek than cigarette. And I didn't stop there, I also mix my own juices using confectionery flavours and have saved about £50 by buying my PG and VG from a chemical factory that produces food grade additives. So what I hear you say, and I totally agree with you, so what indeed. The thing is I understand the the need for regulation, as the flavours are all food grade, you have to be careful what you out into your body. And I have actually quit smoking? No and Yes....I inhale my nicotine in a whisp of vapor rather than breathe in a toxic soup. The only smoke I inhale is a particular plant matter, and I do that through - yep you guessed it, a dry herb vaporiser that fits a few of my wizard wands.

4
0

Microsoft’s 'FIRST NOKIA' arrives at £89

ukgnome
Silver badge

is it just me...

But this smells of copyright infringement....times 2

the colours look sort of iPhone 5C territory

the capacitive back home and search buttons look a bit Androidy

Is anything original these days?

3
13

Brits to vote: Which pressing scientific challenge should get £10m thrown at it?

ukgnome
Silver badge

Re: Science education...

*double sigh*

Can we get this straight, please?

Homeopathy lacks biological plausibility and the axioms of homeopathy have been refuted for some time.

4
2

iPhone-stroker-turned-fandroid sues Apple over iMessage text-slurpery

ukgnome
Silver badge
Trollface

When you send an iMessage it is sent encrypted, it's not Apple's fault that this lusers Samsung cannot decrypt it.....

4
29

Welcome to Heathrow Terminal, er, Samsung Galaxy S5

ukgnome
Silver badge

Share and Enjoy

Share and Enjoy

Share and Enjoy

Journey through life

With a plastic boy

Or Girl by your side

Let your pal be your guide

And when it breaks down

Or starts to annoy

Or grinds when it moves

And gives you no joy

Cos it's eaten your hat

Or had sex with your cat

Bled oil on your floor

Or ripped off your door

You get to the point

You can't stand any more

Bring it to us, we won't give a fig

We'll tell you, 'Go stick your head in a pig'.

6
1

Job for IT generalist ...

ukgnome
Silver badge

Reputation

It's a difficult one, but I found doing the contractor rounds very good for building my reputation. What's that company X, can I sort out your Citrix gateway?......Yeah of course I can.....and hope for the best.

Because of this foolhardy way I have applied myself I have found that I often get (got) contracts that were a bit above my mixed skill set. Although I have for the past two years started a full time in-house role. I don't get as much cash, but at least I know I can feed my family and stuff. I guess it's about money, and how much you want.

0
0

Apple, Google: WE SURRENDER ... to each other in patent war truce

ukgnome
Silver badge
Joke

Can you hear that?

It's the sounds of a popcorn company going bust...

0
0