* Posts by ukgnome

1682 posts • joined 16 Jun 2011

Idiot brings gun-shaped iPhone to airport

ukgnome
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Too many commentards.....

Are actually being nice about this chap - seriously is idiot the only word?

This brainless douche canoe is a fucking bellend of the highest magnitude - a pillock of the community and a total ball bag.

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Man sues YET AGAIN for chance to marry his computer

ukgnome
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I never thought I would say this :-

I feel sorry for the Genius Bar chap that has to carry out the repair

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Plymouth 'animal rights' teen admits Florida SeaWorld cyber attack

ukgnome
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@not.known@this.address

You are mistaking entertaining hairless apes as research.

But since you ask, I visited Seaworld two years ago and it made me want to throw up. I already knew before I visited that I would detest it. But I needed to witness how fucking horrific it was just so that my opinion was validated.

You cannot compare such an awful place with reputable centres with breeding programs and return to the wild programmes.

And I am sure the young chap would love to join a research vessel or have a stint on a Sea Sheppard vessel. Lord knows I would jump at the chance

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ukgnome
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As soon as he turns 18 I would like to buy him a pint. Seaworld is a despicable slave centre.

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Vodafone hints at relocation from UK

ukgnome
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Time to go and pay no tax somewhere else?

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Chatbot lawyer shreds $2.5m in parking tickets

ukgnome
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How long before we can turn this bot into a nazi sex pest?

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Lester Haines: RIP

ukgnome
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Oh for fucks sake

Lester was a true legend, his articles always and I mean ALWAYS made me smile.

He will be sorely missed.

I am gonna quaff and ale and have a post-pub nosh in his honour.

2016 is the shittest year ever!

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Judge slams BT for blaming engineer after 7 metre ceiling plunge

ukgnome
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But did BT mend the fault?

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Unicode serves up bacon emoji

ukgnome
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Trollface

Still no Ginger

This is just another form of bullying.

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Winston Churchill glowers from Blighty's plastic fiver

ukgnome
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We need 20's and 50's in this non-stick form.

To really get your monies worth from Charles

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Slack vs. Skype

ukgnome
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Slack is fast becoming a player - just hope they don't try to monitise it

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US military tests massive GPS jamming weapon over California

ukgnome
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Testing over California

Seems a bit LAX

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Why does an Android keyboard need to see your camera and log files – and why does it phone home to China?

ukgnome
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And meanwhile......

Does this apple taste sweeter to you?

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England just not windy enough for wind farms, admits renewables boss

ukgnome
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Re: Nuclear

@Symon - That's a solution that I wouldn't be totally against.

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ukgnome
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Re: Nuclear

Any idiot that says we need more nuclear should make their gardens available for waste burial.

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ukgnome
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Re: Knuckling under

The actual article states "England is not windy enough to justify building any more onshore wind turbines, the chief executive of wind industry trade body has admitted.

ONSHORE!

"Hugh McNeal, who joined RenewableUK two months ago from the Department of Energy and Climate Change, insisted the industry could make the case for more onshore turbines in some parts of the UK, despite the withdrawal of subsidies.

But he said this would “almost certainly” not be in England, as the wind speeds were not high enough to make the projects economically viable without subsidy."

So Scotland or Wales then, or replace the smaller turbines with larger ones - as suggested by Scottish Power.

Basically a click baited article missing almost all the key facts.

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Q: Is it wrong to dress as a crusader for an England match?

ukgnome
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Hey Crusader

Have you any nuts!

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Brits don't want their homes to be 'tech-tastic'

ukgnome
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Smart Meters?

What you actually need is a Yorkshireman.

Too 'ot - open t bloody window

Too cowld - put wood int 'ole and put jumper lad

Too expensive - turn off t bloody light

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NASA 'naut to boldly enter pump-up space podule

ukgnome
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I read that at first as duct taping and thought.....hang on, I am astronaut worthy.

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Belgian brewery lays 3.2km beer pipeline

ukgnome
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A beer pipeline isn't new - Bass Taverns (as they were way back when) had one.But not on this scale.

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Arrests for 'offensive' Twitter and Facebook messages up by a third

ukgnome
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I always thought it was 'take a fence' and wondered why all these folk were nicking from B&Q!

*yeah it's the one with the "I fucked yer mum and your dad loved it" greeting card in the pocket!

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ukgnome
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Re: Well, I think....

Presumably - Well that's just TOO CUTE I should PHONE YOU and if I ever see you THEN WE KISS

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G4S call centre staff made 'test' 999 calls to hit performance targets

ukgnome
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Who hasn't used this method to help the helpdesk with their stats in return for chocolate ;-)

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UK.gov pays four fellows £35k to do nothing for three months

ukgnome
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I know of a chap that is employed by the local council as a CRT repair tech. He has been there for years and is on a very good contract. Although they don't have any CRT at the council, but he is far too expensive to be made redundant.

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How IT are you? Find out now in our HILARIOUS quiz!

ukgnome
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How IT are you?

D, keep them on the phone as long as humanly possible and involve as much tedious small talk as you can muster. In between the tedium try and get as may Monty Python quotes in without being obvious. Gauge their own assumed knowledge with near incomprehensible babble about flooded packet gateways, network degradation based on 443htz bleed-through from the local communications tower. Things like this will heavily dissuade idiots from calling you again.

Sometimes it's worth a small effort.

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Flying Spaghetti Monster is not God, rules mortal judge

ukgnome
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Let Us Pray

Our saucer which art in a colander, draining be Your noodles.

Thy noodle come, Thy meatballness be done on earth, as it is meaty in heaven.

Give us this day our daily sauce,

and forgive us our lack of piracy, as we pirate and smuggle against those who lack piracy with us.

And lead us not into vegetarianism, but deliver us from non-red meat sauce.

For thine is the colander, the noodle, and the sauce,

forever and ever.

R'Amen.

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Britain is sending a huge nuclear waste shipment to America. Why?

ukgnome
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So are you saying....

Maybe we are now able to admit that the reason we have nuclear power stations is in fact just to make bombs. We never achieved cheap and reliable electricity production did we. The whole global mess is basically because America wanted to show Japan it's penis and declare it bigger than theirs.

Anyone who agues back saying - No UKgnome, America had to show it's big penis because Germany was working on a big penis of it's own has never read any history books of any kind.

*apologies for penis analogies but I have been listening to a lot of Richard Herring

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We bet your firm doesn't stick to half of these 10 top IT admin tips

ukgnome
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tailgate - oh the joys

When I worked for EDS I once prevented someone from tailgating. They were very persuasive in their argument as to why they should be allowed through the back door. I explained that as they din't have their pass I couldn't verify that they should be in the building. I was extremely polite to the point of sickly as I explained that they should visit reception and have them allow them entry to the building. I thought nothing of this until I was asked to report to the UK managers office.

Yep, I had prevented the manager from entering her own building. This had made her late for the EMEA meeting as the big directors had visited. They were delighted that I had stopped her, and weirdly I ended up with a gold day for my ruthless door barring.

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Truly crap exhibition dumped on Isle of Wight

ukgnome
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In the little shop after the museum can you buy Scratch and Sniff postcards?

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'Panama papers' came from email server hack at Mossack Fonseca

ukgnome
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Oh my - I am so surprised that the over privileged few have taken steps to hide their money affairs and have cheated taxation systems in their native countries. Surely they are all above board types that are beyond reproach?

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Waiting for your Oculus to arrive? Yeah, it's going to be some time

ukgnome
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Gimp

Re: Be careful who you let use this

You haven't visited porn hub recently then.

I did, as I was erm looking for a friend or summink.

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Domino's trials trundling four-wheeled pizza delivery bot

ukgnome
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This is why the robots will rebel

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Woz waxwork weady to woll

ukgnome
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Shirley

beating OFF Elon Musk, George Lucas, Larry Page, Sheryl Sandberg and Marissa Mayer

much funnier

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David Cameron hints at Budget law change to end mobile not-spots

ukgnome
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Part of the charm of living in the Norfolk Broads is the lack of mobile phone coverage. If they can hide the masts so they don't blot the landscape then yeah maybe...

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Is there anything left to ask Bill Gates? (Other than gissus a million?)

ukgnome
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Didn't any one ask him what he thought about Donald J Fart and his plan to get Bill to close of the internets?

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Essex cop abused police IT systems to snoop on his in-laws

ukgnome
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Shouldn't he of been looking for outlaws?

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LOHAN sponsor knocks up nifty iMac fish tank

ukgnome
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pretty

I wonder if Carlos the Boss would let me have one.

Also have you considered asking Red Bull to lend a hand with the twazzocks that control the skies? They seem to get their way.

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Brit firm unleashes drone-busting net cannon

ukgnome
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So it's basically a spud cannon.

Time to get some downpipe and a can of hairspray and head down the park.

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EMC: Make like the Doctor's Tardis and virtualise telecoms

ukgnome
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Only the Doctors TARDIS or will any timelord time capsule do?

Does it have to be a type 40 Mk3?

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No tit for tat, or should that be tat for tit ... Women selling stuff on eBay get lower bids

ukgnome
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Re: Please explain to me

Well the explanation was in the article, you do read the article right, or are you just a clicker?

To demonstrate the claim, the two researchers conducted a pair of experiments, the first demonstrating that users can positively identify the gender of a seller based on factors including the types of goods sold and user names, about 56 per cent of the time, while being unable to make a determination 35 per cent of the time and wrong just 9 per cent.

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Carolina cop cuffed for 'carjacking'

ukgnome
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erm hello he was watching a married couple - so I think you will find that's Mrs Conduct!

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Plane food sees pilot grounded by explosive undercarriage

ukgnome
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It can't be easy landing a 747 with a runny jobby in your undercrackers

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Helpdesk? I have a software problem. And a GRIZZLY BEAR problem

ukgnome
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Re: Bears vs. alligators+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

well when I did on-call at a chemical factory I had seagulls of every size to contend with. I would rather bears or crocodiles.

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Feds look left and right for support – and see everyone backing Apple

ukgnome
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Re: Let's help you out then :)

If the government said it is now the law to keep a downstairs window open just in case they couldn't get into your house then I am sure you would jump down pretty quick off that fence.

If all you stored on your phone was dick pics and mates numbers then fine, brute crack the life out of it, but it's probably harbouring more data than your laptop.

Now as I understand things, this device was a work device, so maybe as a compromise all work phones should be crackable. What's that feds? you don't want anyone cracking your work phones? cake and eat it springs to mind, and no you can't have the cake.

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'Hobbit' heads aren't human says bone boffin

ukgnome
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Re: I don't want to imply it's Aliens

Ancient Aliens?

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Ofcom must tackle 'monopolistic' provider BT, says shadow digital minister Chi Onwurah

ukgnome
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Re: Competition is great...

I totally agree, but where is the value, sorry I mean profit?

My sub-exchange caters for 500 homes. If they upgraded the kit when would they see a return on the investment. Likewise why would another provider ask for some rack space when they are unlikely to see a return in any time soon.

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Firemen free chap's todger from four-ring chokehold

ukgnome
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Re: Oh well, in that case:

http://www.amazon.com/Talking-Cock-Richard-Herring/dp/1560256087

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Silent Nork satellite tumbling in orbit

ukgnome
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That's my point - if you have them and you don't use them then they are of no use. Better to get rid and save a truck load of cash.

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ukgnome
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That's the thing about nukes - if you have them then you might as well use them. Now I think we all agree that would be a dick move, but at least they didn't have this cash resource doing nothing. Nukes are expensive ornaments. Upon detecting the North Korean nuke the bigger dick move would be to retaliate. As retaliation means everyone is fucked.

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What took you so long, Twitter? Micro blogging site takes on the trolls

ukgnome
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IT Professionals are Dead

Thank fuck I am an amateur then - seriously can someone get that guys IP address and send him some meds.

hashtag winkyface

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