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* Posts by Alan Ferris

76 posts • joined 12 Jun 2007

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Be Your Own Big Brother: Peeking at pussy

Alan Ferris

Essential viewing

It's the only program that my cat watches

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Who needs hackers? 'Password1' opens a third of all biz doors

Alan Ferris
Unhappy

Policies !

My (online) bank has never asked for a password change, in about 15 years of use, yet my NHS email account forces a change every 90 days.

Why does changing my password make the email address more secure? Or is it just a ploy to keep IT staff employed doing exciting things like resetting the account, when I get locked out because one copy of Outlook isn't updated quickly enough?

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Call girl injected Google exec with heroin, drank wine, left him to die – cops claim

Alan Ferris

"And heroin is one of the most addictive of drugs."

Nicotine?

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'Hashtag' added to the OED – but # isn't a hash, pound, nor number sign

Alan Ferris

Re: Pound sign

Pardon my ignorance, but wasn't the pound (£) originally simply the worth of that a pound (lb) in Sterling silver?

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BOFH: On the contrary, we LOVE rebranding here at the IT dept

Alan Ferris

Re: GCHQ wants to know what NSA hasn't a clue about and isn't being recorded for reporting in leaks

No pills will help THAT

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eBay slammed for daft post-hack password swap advice

Alan Ferris
Coat

Book of passwords on my desk

No-one has mentioned Roboform - generates random passwords like 9qQWqNflgU^KP@qp , stores them on the PC and protects them with a single master password.

Provided the master password is good, is that not safe enough?

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Whitehall and Microsoft negotiate NHS Windows XP hacker survival plan

Alan Ferris
FAIL

Typical

Actually, the NHS owns and pays for every PC in every GP practice, and has done since the contract changed in 2004. If they don't know how many PCs they own and support, well.... I'm not surprised.

And I've been asking about an upgrade from XP since August 2013 - 36 PCs in my practice. That's only £4,500 that the taxpayer is wasting on my practice in this year because the NHS didn't get their fingers out.

1783 days until I can retire

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German frau reports for liver transplant clutching bottle of vodka

Alan Ferris
Unhappy

Re: Incorrect: From the NHS:

Nothing of the sort. The NHS recognises that Alcohol is a drug.

The politicians won't because then they'd have ethical problems in taxing alcohol (and nicotine),

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Mountain bike mishap man suffers SEVEN WEEK stiffie

Alan Ferris
Thumb Down

Re: Sometimes

"Radioactive dye" - That'll make it easy to see the wood at night...

Maybe radio-opaque dye

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James Bond's 'shaken not stirred': Down to trembling boozer's hands, claim boffins

Alan Ferris
FAIL

The BMJ

It's in the Xmas edition of the BMJ. That's a journal internationally-recognised for the quality of their articles, but in the Xmas edition, the standards are relaxed a little . Think Ig Nobel, and you'll be spot-on.

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Tales from an expert witness: Lasers, guns and singing Santas

Alan Ferris
FAIL

Does the expert witness have to get his facts right?

Or would Sir Samuel Meadow actually be Professor Sir Roy Meadow?

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Baldness fix from foreskin follicles

Alan Ferris
Paris Hilton

But when she stokes my thinning scalp....

... will I suddenly need a haircut?

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Oz sawbones extract fork from old boy's todger: Gents, start your wincing

Alan Ferris
Coat

Aussies!

It's "Holistic", not "Wholistic"

What is the world coming to?

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Put up your ... err ... hand for free vasectomy streamed online

Alan Ferris
Coat

Macho?

The definition of Macho is the man who jogs home afterwards.

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Save hefty Dr Who and Bond girl 'Flossie', pleads vintage computer man

Alan Ferris
Coat

Pedant Alert!

Unless Flossie is very, VERY thin, I suspect that she takes up a number of cubic feet

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NHS rolls out open-source test results service for renal patients

Alan Ferris
Holmes

Old hat

Many GP surgeries ( including my own) allow patients full read-only access to their full medical records

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Japanese boffins crack arse-based ID recognizer

Alan Ferris
Coat

So I can throw away my Smart Card...

and login with my Smart Arse.

Progress indeed

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Bo Peep insures jubs for $1m

Alan Ferris
Coat

That's unanimous, then

We'd ALL rather she went naked...

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Feds probe naked Scarlett Johansson outrage

Alan Ferris
Coat

Sorry, I can't resist....

Playmobil, or it didn't happen

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BOFH: CSI Haxploitation Cube Farm Apocalypse

Alan Ferris
Boffin

Epic

That is all

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NHS trust issues nurse jub flash alert

Alan Ferris
Coat

Can I be the judge?

I could advise on how much cleavage is" too much"?

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Iranian pimp plates arse up Afghan car sales

Alan Ferris
Coat

666 !

What abou 668 then? I mean, who would want to live next door to 666?

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Verity Stob and the super subjunction

Alan Ferris
Coat

I am good

The correct response, which I have used for a number of years, is

"I am breathtaking, thank you"

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BOFH: This buck's for you

Alan Ferris
Thumb Up

Your email address is never published

Yessss!

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Oz pair in blow-up sex doll whitewater ride

Alan Ferris
Paris Hilton

I'm disgusted

Don't Australians know what a blow-up woman is for?

Education standards are slipping, everywhere

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Enraged wives hand Pakistani polygamist vicious shoeing

Alan Ferris
Coat

Half an hour!

Cigarette and cuppa included, I presume?

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BOFH: Pain fear games

This post has been deleted by a moderator

419ers threaten terrorism charges

Alan Ferris
FAIL

My email.....

came frrom a Major Berk, of Nigerian army.

You couldn''t make it up

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Vulture 1 sprouts wings and a tail

Alan Ferris
Coat

No Title

You lot have way too much spare time

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Naked German women evade Swedish chopper

Alan Ferris
Coat

If no piccies....

... where's the Playmobil reconstruction?

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Paraguayan model to strip if team wins World Cup

Alan Ferris
Thumb Up

Larissa Riquelme

I've always wanted to be a mobile phone....

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Observer columnist in online porn mixup

Alan Ferris
Coat

"....presumably looks better than the average Reg hack"

I presume that you exclude the moderatrix from this.

I'm sure she's far above average

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Man coughs to sex with donkey and horse

Alan Ferris
Coat

I'm envious!

"buggery of a donkey between February 2 and February 5, 1999, and buggery of a horse between March 15 and 18, 2004"

How did he make it last so long?

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Roger Boyes probes Vienna Boys’ Choir

Alan Ferris
Coat

For once.... and once only

Please, no Playmobil

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Swiss prostitutes armed with defibrillators

Alan Ferris
Coat

Surely SOMEONE has to ask...

... How much extra does that cost?

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John Mayer tweets remorse over Playboy interview

Alan Ferris
Coat

"the Moderatrix's buns"

Please excuse me for a minute or two

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French poised to seize Port of Dover

Alan Ferris
FAIL

Spelling

Surely you mean the Daily Wail ?

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Adultery website boosted by Christian publicity campaign

Alan Ferris
Coat

Don't forget....

.... the playmobile

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Brit firm aims to make airport perv scans obsolete

Alan Ferris
Paris Hilton

To Charles 9

> And I keep personally thinking of a female suicide bomber concealing the goods in a dildo or vibrator already "well seated". .<

Please send pictures.... I think it would be difficult to do this in Playmobil, unless the moderatrix would like to prove me wrong... please?

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Controversy rages over robot vasectomy reversal in Florida

Alan Ferris
FAIL

Another FAIl

It wasn't that sack that I was referring to

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Alan Ferris
FAIL

Can I be the first to say...?

... that I want my surgeon to be human.

At least they understand the required delicacy of this sort of surgery, and they know that if there's a single mistake, they get the sack.

I would now like to dissociate myself from the above comment

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Southampton chap lodges todger in steel pipe

Alan Ferris
FAIL

Nasty!

It was the subheading "Free whitepaper – Desktop virtualization" that frightened me most.

Add me to the list of those needing a Playmobil version...

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Microsoft's Hotmail 'blacklists' NHS email - again

Alan Ferris
FAIL

It wasn't just NHS.net that was blocked

My Forename.Surname@GP-Exxxxxx.nhs.uk email account was also blocked from sending emails to Hotmail.

I'd like to think it was Microsoft's incompetence, but the NHS can usually beat them for incompetence.

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UK cops eye shotgun cartridge Taser

Alan Ferris
Unhappy

Language!

WTF does "it will leave potential bruising" mean? Either it leaves bruising or it doesn't (I think I know the answer)... and then there's the more sinister possibility that "...and it could cause a contusion." When I did my medical degrees, there was no difference. Those of you with access to a dictionary could possibly confirm this. If tasering the spokesman has done this to his brain, what will the taser do to the human body?

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Lad passes gruelling 'getting on bus' test

Alan Ferris
Dead Vulture

Here are much better qualifications

Take a look at this one.

http://tinyurl.com/aov9v

I have the certificate for my Ph.D. in Arse -elbow differentiation on the wall at work....the only sad thing is that the AQA site isn't a joke!

We are all doomed

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Vulture Central plans Brit-Yank dictionary

Alan Ferris
Pint

Illiterates

How about the difference between Ensure ( = make certain) and Insure ( take a policy out with an Insurance company)? Despite the fact that even our transatlantic throwers of tea parties don't talk about Ensurance companies, they still struggle with this one.

There's that wonderful line in Mary Poppins where Mr Banks says that throwing the tea overboard made the tea undrinkable, even for the Americans

BTW, those people across the pond speak the word "route" as if rhymes with "doubt", which probably explains their problems with the word "Cisco"

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Vulture Central unleashes RegPad™

Alan Ferris
Linux

Can I be the first ?

What, no Linux option?

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Boffin predicts pee-powered cars

Alan Ferris
Coat

Stating the bleedin obvious....

... but has anyone read the name of the researcher?

Dr Botte !

Is it April 1st in Italy?

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Nokias, BlackBerrys pay ultimate price for Brown gov

Alan Ferris
Pirate

But....

...how many are on contract at Gordon Brown's OTHER residence?

He may be flipping phones as well as addresses

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Car-prang secretary bites off boss's todger

Alan Ferris
Coat

One can just hope...

...that she didn't get the sack, as well

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