* Posts by Anonymous IV

461 posts • joined 13 Apr 2011

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You've seen things people wouldn't believe – so tell us your programming horrors

Anonymous IV

IBM trainee programmer reduces 4-byte program to 2

Some time around MVT 18 on IBM mainframes, a trainee IBM programmer in the new version release team had a brainwave, and thought that he could reduce the size of the 4-byte IEFBR14 program used in JCL as a 'don't-do-very-much program' to just 2 bytes, so as to save 50% of the space it required, and have it run faster, too!

IEFBR14 consists of

SR R15,R15 ; set the return code register to zero

BR R14 ; branch to the return address in register 14

He removed the first instruction, so the contents of R15 were undefined, and could have any value. This caused considerable unhappiness to occur with all jobs.

It is not known whether the programmer's employment with IBM was continued...

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How to help a user who can't find the Start button or the keyboard?

Anonymous IV

Re: Do organisations not use 360 feedback for support services?

> I wonder how you dealt with illiterates in high places.

They have PAs to do menial computing for them, surely.

<anecdote>We once had an IT manager who advertised for a 'Principle Secretary'. We thought this was a brilliant idea, for he had no principles of his own...</anecdote>

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Anonymous IV

Re: Stop being a smartarse who makes things worse

Some of the cheaper mice make a clicking sound when their buttons are pressed.

One I encountered recently made a sort of wheezy squeak - bin job...

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BOFH: I want no memory of this pointless conversation. Alcohol please

Anonymous IV

Nicely worded

...some slimy toe rag from HR (who's no doubt taken a break from making some single-income people redundant)...

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RBS and Natwest online banking goes titsup

Anonymous IV

Re: Maybe they got the MARKETS confused with their SERVERS

It would seem that RBS was right about a "major market crash this year".

If only Fred Goodwin's pension was market-dependent....

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Rejoice, Penguinistas, Linux 4.4 is upon us

Anonymous IV

"Emperor Penguin Linus Torvalds"

Nobody commented on this.

I liked it!

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Microsoft whips out PowerApps – now your Pointy Haired Boss can write software, too!

Anonymous IV

Re: Quick solutions/prototyping

> Yes, this used to be called Rapid Application Prototyping / Rapid Appication Development and has been re-invented as Aglie.

As in, "The best-laid schemes o' mice an 'men gang aft agley...", by Mr R Burns?

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Australian cops rush to stop 2AM murder of … a spider

Anonymous IV

Re: Yeah but

> I literally have over a dozen baby huntsman spiders in my bathroom. I have no idea what to do on account of the fact that I don't want to kill them but they are very skittish and their small size makes them difficult to corral.

So there is a new Australian simile, "like herding baby huntsman spiders", rather than 'cats'?

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Lights, power, action! Smartplugs with a twist

Anonymous IV
Thumb Down

Life's too short

Of even less use than a solution looking for a problem, and failing, is 2000 words about it.

Congratulations to the author...

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Superfish 2.0: Dell ships laptops, PCs with huge internet security hole

Anonymous IV

Connection?

Perhaps someone more intelligent than me could explain the technical connection between a piece of spy software and a dodgy security certificate, apart from both being ungood.

It seems that here the author is comparing aardvarks* and anchovies*.

* apologies if either of these has been chosen for the name of a forthcoming release of Ubuntu...

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BOFH: We're miracle workers. But you want us to fix THAT in 10 minutes?

Anonymous IV
Joke

Re: Turkeyshoot Mascara & Monarco Retardo

The Boss didn't realise that these were the names of the next two Ubuntu releases?

How in heaven's name did he get his job?

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Exam board in 'send all' fail: Hands up who knows what the BCC button is for?

Anonymous IV

Re: Does anyone else wince when they see this phrase?

Indeed I did - it wasn't a 'phrase' but a couple of sentences.

The text is seen so often that it could be regarded as 'boiler-plate'...

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Think Fortran, assembly language programming is boring and useless? Tell that to the NASA Voyager team

Anonymous IV

I wasn't aware that FORTRAN was used to 'code' trite sayings.

At least it isn't in my copy of McCracken...

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Xiaomi preps Linux laptops for the post Christmas sales rush

Anonymous IV

At last!

The "Christmas of Linux"...!

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El Reg revisits Battle of Agincourt on 600th anniversary

Anonymous IV

The Agincourt Carol

Amazed that nobody has mentioned this contemporary song.

Many examples on YouTube, such as this one...

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Anonymous IV

Re: "We won the battle, but who won the war (not us)"

Olde literary joke:

"Dear Diary, Today the Hundred Years War started..."

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Ruin your co-developers' life with Mimic, the Unicode substitution tool

Anonymous IV

Already done in posts to local newspaper's website

A troll, apparently with unfettered administrator access to our local newspaper's website comment columns, has regularly posted the following boilerplate for at least a year:

"And when it comes to Gloucester Rugby, what the club really should have done, whilst he graced the Kingsholm turf, was to ensure that Ruƿert Hαrden (our first choice, our most talented and our most complete tight head prop) started as many games for Gloucester as was possible."

Inquiring whether "most complete" means "ungelded" would draw a level of vituperation beyond which I would ever wish to experience...

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TalkTalk attack: 'No legal obligation to encrypt customer bank details', says chief

Anonymous IV

Re: MBA "Qualification"

@Warm Braw:

+1 for quoting from Purcell's Dido and Aeneas.

There aren't enough references to Early Music in El Reg...

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Chaos at TalkTalk: Data was 'secure', not all encrypted, we took site down, were DDoSed

Anonymous IV

Re: Expect more....

You didn't work for RBS, did you?

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Experts ponder improbable size of Cleopatra's asp

Anonymous IV

"The biggest asp disaster in the world"

Those with a taste for Victorian music hall or for reviews of Anthony and Cleopatra films or plays will undoubtedly be familiar with the above quotation.

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TalkTalk website hit by outage, broadband customers also KO'd

Anonymous IV

Re: Working here 17:49

Working in Liverpool?

I'm sorry to hear that...

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Here are the God-mode holes that gave TrueCrypt audit the slip

Anonymous IV

Re: There are no flaws in TrueCrypt

You mean you actually believe all that Steve Gibson says?

He's always struck me* as the coder implementation of Steve Ballmer. lashing out in all directions, somewhat randomly.

(They even have the same forename.)

* pun was accidental!

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Microsoft starts to fix Start Menu in new Windows 10 preview

Anonymous IV

Re: Serious Question

> Just curious: are you the type of person who asks, "Why do you need 150 Mbps broadband?"

The best answer I've ever heard (it may well have been invented by me) is that

"You need 'superfast' broadband so you can download all the Windows Updates rapidly."

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Ouch! Microsoft sues recycling firm over 70K stolen Office licenses

Anonymous IV

Re: But why?

> I would also like to know how they got the licence keys because they are generally not visible after installation. I know that Jelly Bean used to be a method but I am unaware if it still works..

There are several products which can extract Office licence keys, among which Belarc Advisor and Produkey. Ask any BOFH or PFY!

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US military says it will discipline Ashley Madison users

Anonymous IV

We should be told...

Were any El Reg email addresses found on the Lists of Shame?!

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How many pre-loaded Win 10 PCs did disties have 7 days after release?

Anonymous IV

Re: Software

"I'm trying to work out how to get rid of things, like the stupid boxes that are on the right of the start menu."

For each tile, right click, choose Uninstall.

Drag the right-hand vertical line as far to the left as it will go.

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2015 Fiat 500 fashionista, complete with facelift

Anonymous IV
WTF?

Units

> It would have been nice if the speed was in km/h and fuel consumption in litres per 100km, as the normal world is used to.

Can anyone explain why the unit "litres per 100 km" was chosen, rather than the far more logical "kilometres per litre"? There's at least the analogy with "kilometres per hour".

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China's best phone yet: Huawei P8 5.2-inch money-saving Android smartie

Anonymous IV

@ cegueira

So not just a matter of taking it out of the box, then!

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DEATH by VEGETABLES: Woman charged with killing boyf using carrots. And peas

Anonymous IV

I suspect that the lady, in an instant ...

... put an end to all the boyfriend's canoodling!

(Those readers under fifty, look it up!)

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Future Range Rovers will report pot-holes directly to councils

Anonymous IV

Re: What a great idea

> When nobody's around, stick a bag of post-mix concrete in the hole. ...

> Phone the council ...

This would appear to work only for a single pothole, since on attempt #2 some suspicion may be engendered in even the most unintelligent member of the local Highways Department.

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My Passport Grip Pack blooms with new colours … and more storage

Anonymous IV

Fetching Grip Packs - Chris Mellor getting carried away?

"Grip Packs — colourful edge protective bands providing a big jump from 2TB to 3TB max capacity."

Are you seriously saying that these bands provide a disk capacity increase?

Or is this merely coincidental?

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Chill, luvvies. The ‘unsustainable’ BBC Telly Tax stays – for now

Anonymous IV

Re: Am I the only person...

"It's terrible value if you don't use it."

Indeed. So is the cost of schools, since I don't have any children...

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Oxford chaps solve problem in 1982 Sinclair Spectrum manual

Anonymous IV

Dr Johnson

A rare chance to offend several disparate areas of society in one quotation - religious people, women, dog-owners, Mahler aficionados, and Sinclair Spectrum enthusiasts!

Boswell: I told him I had been that morning at a meeting of the people called Quakers, where I had heard a woman preach.

Johnson: "Sir, a woman's preaching is like a dog's walking on his hind legs. It is not done well; but you are surprised to find it done at all." [my bolding]

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Australia mulls dumping the .com from .com.au – so you can bake URLs like chocolate.gate.au

Anonymous IV

Re: Dot Oz?

Soon be time to look up whether .en, .sc, .wa and .ni are still available for use...

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Mortgage data splashed all over the net. Thanks HSBC Finance

Anonymous IV

@Ben Hodson

Just wondering whether you have been involved with extraordinary rendition, water-boarding, and the like in your career? Your breadth of imagination could have have come in very useful...

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Graphic designs: Six speedy 17-inch gaming laptops

Anonymous IV

Re: My son's Bargain Gaming Laptop ...

I think the "128TB SSD" is what we techies call "a typo".

These are often discerned and silently compensated-for by the intelligent mind.

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Radio 4 and Dr K on programming languages: Full of Java Kool-Aid

Anonymous IV

Re: Functional languages

All this talk of "Haskell" made me wonder what on earth The Sweeney had to do with programming languages.

Then I remembered that the name I was ms-thinking of was "Haskins"...

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Eyes on the prize: Ten 23-24-inch monitors for under £150

Anonymous IV

Re: New Year's resolution

There's the Dell UltraSharp U2412M 24 inch LCD TFT Monitor (16:10, 1920x1200, 300 cd/m2) for a smidgeon less than £200 from Amazon (other fine retailers are undoubtedly available...).

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V&A Museum shows Guardian's destroyed MacBook as ART

Anonymous IV

Re: What makes art?

"Art is anything you can get away with" - Marshall McLuhan.

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Dino-boffins discover ancient, TOOTHY-CLAWED, four-eyed MONSTER LOBSTER

Anonymous IV

An international crack team of palaeontologists

This sounds even more unusual than a monster lobster - and much more difficult to visualise.

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SCARESTEROID of the week to miss Earth on Friday

Anonymous IV

Re: Help us out, El Reg

Just a BOFH, please!

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‘Digital by default’ agricultural payments halted: Farmers start smirking

Anonymous IV

It seems that the so-called "Agile" methodology was first introduced as long ago as 2001.

The BBC's Digital Media Initiative, scrapped at a cost of nearly £100m, also used Agile.

This seems to be another "solves all possible problems" mechanism which would appear to work well on paper but whose implementation can be quite disastrous.

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Anonymous IV

> "they've [sic]", "They're [sic]", "them [sic]", "them [sic]"

I assume that the attemptedly-pedantic author of the article thinks that the singular form should be used when referring to the Rural Payments Agency, not the plural. I would say that the point is moot. It is quite possible to refer to an organisation as an "it" or a "them".

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Fanbois: We paid $2000 for full satisfaction but now we have SPREADING STAINS

Anonymous IV

In other news...

"A tablet device that can withstand being doused in chlorine has been developed to help doctors caring for patients with Ebola." (BBC website)

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Oxford boffins publish fine-scale regional genetic map of UK

Anonymous IV

The Australian Murdoch Childrens Research Institute

No doubt this is an absolutely fine organisation, but my blood ran slightly cold when I read the name.

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Internet Explorer LIVES ON, cackle sneaky Microsoft engineers

Anonymous IV

Re: Windows, your reign is over ....

Assuming that the original post is not a wind-up, one might observe that "even more tedious than a Zealot is a Convert".

Let's hope that the justifiably-Anonymous Coward hasn't also given up alcohol and/or smoking, or suddenly got religion, for he would then be even more insufferable...

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Anonymous IV

Re: "even the name has been picked to suggest simplicity, speed and hardiness."

If Microsoft renamed IE as "Arthritic Sloth" then they would run the risk of people thinking that it was a new, non-alliterative, version of Ubuntu...

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Anonymous IV

Re: Less is more, not

> Her company website said: "To log in use Internet Explorer 9 or less"

I hope you pointed out to their web[master|mistress] that the word should have been "fewer"?

</dubious-pedantry>

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