* Posts by MrDamage

663 posts • joined 25 Feb 2011

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Australian government mulls secret terror court proposals

MrDamage
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If the secret courts are strictly for intelligence gathering....

Why on earth did they give the news-feed to a Murdoch publication?

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Biologists gasp at lemur's improbably colossal bollocks

MrDamage
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Obligatory Musical Tribute

Big Balls

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Looking forward to getting Windows 10 the day it ships? Yeah, about that...

MrDamage
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Re: pray/drink for me

Why not both?

Our Lager,

Which art in barrels

Hallowed be thy drink.

Thy will be drunk,

I will be drunk,

At home as in the tavern.

Give us this day our foamy head

and forgive us our spillages

as we forgive those that spill against us

and lead us not into incarceration.

But deliver us from hang-overs,

for thine is the beer,

The bitter and the lager

forever and ever

Barmen!

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Rise of the Machines: ROBOT KILLS MAN at Volkswagen plant

MrDamage
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Terminator

Re: Tasteless

Perhaps you require Edward Furlong to teach you how to make with the witticisms, as you do not appear to have been programmed with a sense of humour.

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Microsoft: This Windows 10 build has 'NO significant known issues'

MrDamage
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It's been that way since Vista.

Now you've done it. My computer was suppressing the memories of a Vista installation. Now I'm going to have to break out the circuit diagram and ask it "Show me where in your circuits Vista violated you"

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MrDamage
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Re: Hallelujah - File Explorer's file path limit is not 256 any more !

I wouldn't use a microsoft tool either, as I know the ladies prefer a bighard tool.

*badoomtish*

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UH OH: Windows 10 will share your Wi-Fi key with your friends' friends

MrDamage
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Re: Kill that WiFi Sense thing!

How about we just kill the Wifi Sense Project manager with a cricket bat instead? It will serve more as a warning to other project managers wanting to implement anything remotely similar.

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Version 0.1 super-stars built the universe – and they lived all the way over there, boffins point

MrDamage
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Re: God is bigger than the Bible

How much bigger, and by what standards do we measure the size difference?

Linguine? Wales? Jubs? Bulgarian Funbags? Enquiring minds need to know.

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Zionists stole my SHOE, claims Muslim campaigner

MrDamage
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Mushroom

Larry Page. You want proof? Larry has his own volcano lair. What more proof do you need?

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Vic cops want 'potential radicals' off the Internet

MrDamage
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Trollface

Asking for trouble

"If you pick on any group for long enough you will radicalise some of them."

Single, caucasian, atheist, heterosexual males, UNITE! Let us fight off the scourge of laws oriented towards giving women, families, religious groups, ethnic minorities, and the LGBTI community legal discriminatory rights over us!

Rise up out of your mums basement, brush the cheetos from your neckbeards, and spam your government minister with as many lolcat pics as you can!

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Sawfish are the VIRGIN MARYS of the SEA thanks to virgin births

MrDamage
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Not surprised

How else would they reproduce? Just imagine the carnage involved when the lady sawfish engages in oral foreplay with boy sawfish. John Wayne Bobbit knows what I'm talking about.

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Chlorine gas horror leak at Apple data center puts five in hospital

MrDamage
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Coat

Obligatory..

You're breathing it wrong.

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Apple: Relax, fanbois! We never meant to read your heart rate during wild wrist action

MrDamage
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Trollface

Re: er, wrist rate

Never heard of changing hands every 100 strokes to maintain an even workout and avoid cramps?

What? You don't last 100 strokes?

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City of birth? Why password questions are a terrible idea

MrDamage
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Spell it phonetically

Combine phonetic spelling, especially in conjunction with any local accent you may have, and it suddenly makes password guessing a whole lot harder, even if you do have the details plastered all over your farcebook page.

eg: City of Birth: Lifpull vs Liverpool.

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KFC's new secret ingredient is a bluetooth keyboard on your tray

MrDamage
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Elven herbs and spices?

Fitting, considering most of their chicken makes Dwarf Bread seem like a tasty meal.

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Witcher 3: Wild Hunt – a true monster in the making

MrDamage
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>> Cornfed the pig from Duckman

>AND WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU STARING AT!!

It sounds like it's having an hallucinogenic effect. Not like a drug which is harmful and wrong, and just say no kids, but spacey nonetheless.

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Ricoh rolls out electrifyingly exciting RUBBER!

MrDamage
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Some Ideas

Incendiary Slingshot;

Power builds up as you stretch the string, eventually arcing across 2 preset contacts to ignite the payload, and release.

Fashion Victim Therapy;

Make into Crocs. Person gets electrocuted whenever they try and leave the house in them.

Chewing Gum;

Who doesn't want to see someone put a piece of this in their mouth and chew away, especially if they have a gobfull of fillings?

BOFH Anti-anti-static mat;

Got a "tech support rep" you dont like the sight or smell of? Plaonk the faulty server onto a table coated by this, and watch the tech proceed to blow out all internal components.

BOFH Bullwhip;

Now you can channel both your inner BOFH, and inner Indiana Jones, with a self charging bullwhip that not only lashes, but delivers the thrilling kiss of the cattleprod at the same time.

Not sure if I need more coffee, beer, or both to come up with more ideas.

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Arianespace: NBN sats will orbit this year – PROMISE*

MrDamage
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Trollface

HLV

Surely they will need a HLV to be able to carry the payload. All those fruit tins and bundles of twine will rack up the weight costs.

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Viagra makes it HARD for malaria, bug-boffins discover

MrDamage
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Joke

And i thought it was news

when they learnt it can also be used to stop you from rolling out of bed whilst you slept.

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Reddit: Gonna SCRUB these TROLLS right outa my hair

MrDamage
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FTFY

"The number one reason Redditors do not recommend the site – even though they use it themselves – is because they want to avoid exposing friends to hate and offensive content, how sad and pathetic their lives actually are."

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Facebook tips India and Pakistan into NUCLEAR WAR of words

MrDamage
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This calls for

Another India v Pakistan Dance off.

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Metadata scope creep sees Border Force ask for access

MrDamage
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You forgot

about the nightmares our spiders have given people around the world.

People think Arachnaphobia was a fictional film, until they get here and see that it's a daily reality for us natives.

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Stolen an Apple watch? Want to pawn it off? Good news!

MrDamage
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Re: I don't think

I take it you haven't heard of the term "slumming it".

Nor do you appear to read/watch the news. Rich people get mugged and robbed quite often. Due to their status, they actually make better targets than the poor. Funny how that goes.

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Telstra offers six explanations for its dud Netflix rating

MrDamage
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Re: What do people expect?

Don't forget the 2 tin cans

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Cheers Ireland! That sorts our Safe Harbour issues out – Dropbox

MrDamage
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Re: Its not clear to me whether...

If it had anything to do with data legislation, then the little clause about dealing with legal issues would point to a european court, instead the T&C's they give for overseas customers still point to all legal issues being dealt with in a Californian court.

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Apple storms to top spot in stagnant Chinese phones market

MrDamage
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Re: Grow up?

Solid?

Using half a litre of glue to hold your product together does not count as solid.

Deliberately setting internal cooling fans in iMacs to low speed so they don't make horrible "whirring" sounds as they speed up when the chipsets overheat, thus causing damage, is not "solid".

Failing to take into account how phones are held by the majority of people around the world is not solid.

The rest of my family, excepting my thick as shit garbo collector cousin, all went for Apple. He went for Android. He is the only one I don't have to support, as he is the one who went for functionality over form, has not infested his computer with the bloated warthog which is iTunes, and actually thinks before he goes along and downloads anything onto his phone.

The rest of them have fallen into the reality distortion field that Apple produces, and are constantly calling for help with their beloved product. They also complained bitterly when I started refusing to perform hardware repairs for them, until I showed them the various tear-down videos of the products, and then they understood my refusal. I am not going to spend hours cleaning glue off their iShiney components just so it can be put back together again with even more glue. They are now waiting for their various contracts to come to an end, so we can do a bulk buy on handsets which meet both their needs, and that of the person who they will call for support.

So yes, I do have experience with the iProducts. None of it good.

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MrDamage
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Re: Grow up?

I'm sorry, did my lack of the "joke alert" icon give you the wrong impression of what that "whooshing" sound overhead meant?

The idiot in your example, is the camera manufacturer, as they are doing it simply to save money, and have noone but themselves to blame when someone else figures out how to reverse the "damage", and bump up the quality of the mid range camera to the high end one. Doubly so when said person releases the details of the fix to all and sundry on the interwebs.

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MrDamage
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Grow up?

People who want to live in a walled garden, put form over functionality, like being told what to think, believe everything that they are told, and don't have the nouse to realise that simply plugging a cable into another flavour phone will show up said phone as a drive for easy transfer of data without a 3rd party software package to do it for them, are, quite frankly, idiots.

Apple realise this, and are taxing them with exhorbitant prices, knowing they are too idiotic to know better. El Reg are simply recognising the brilliance of their business plan.

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ISS 'naut: How we collect our POO and DROP it FLAMING on hapless Earthlings

MrDamage
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Crash helmet?

Given Newton's third law, do they need a crash helmet to avoid injury following a dinner of beef n beans, or do they just hold on tight to the safety rails?

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Microsoft springs for new undersea cables to link US, UK, Asia

MrDamage
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Joke

Given Brisbane is built on a floodplain, you have undersea cables when it rains really hard.

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What to do when the users are watching Nazi dwarf smut at work?

MrDamage
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Eeeee-aaawwww

During my stint on a helldesk, I was given the task of monitoring network drive quotas for various divisions to ensure enough space was allocated on an as-needed basis. One division full of financial hi-flyers was constantly running out of room, and always had to have more and more space allocated to them. A wee bit of investigation with the email team also showed that not only were their network shares being clogged up at an unprecedented rate, but their email quotas were being burnt through at a similar rate.

One night, we stayed back and decided to do some investigating. Turns out that most of the people in this department, both male and female, had a thing for watching our equine friends get overly friendly with the bipedal owners, again, both male and female. Snapshots were taken, logging performed, backups, and then came the purge.

Next morning, the boss of said department was on the phone, ranting about missing tons of vital information. Myself and the email admin owned up to purging it as we did not believe it was in the best interests of the company to be harbouring said data. His complain went to our manager, then the overall IT manager, up to the CTO, and then the MD. We were asked to give an explanation to the full board of execs why we thought it best to purge important business data. So we plugged a laptop with samples of this data into the projector in the board room, and displayed in full detail, what this important data was.

I don't know what was more satisfying, the bonus we received for tracking down the "unwarranted business expense", or watching security drag 19 people out, kicking and screaming while we sat in the pub across the road. Probably the latter, as the GM was there as well putting the drinks on his personal card and enjoying the spectacle with us.

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NSA spying is illegal? Then let's make it law, say Republicans

MrDamage
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911

"It's pretty clear that 9/11 could have been prevented if we had known about some of the communications that were linked to those who committed the terrible atrocity of 9/11,"

You mean intelligence from the French and Germans that pointed out that this was going to happen, but that intelligence was ignored because US spooks couldn't be bothered getting their heads out of the donut box to confirm?

But lets face it, you just wanted an excuse to rename the way you cook your potatos.

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NSA domestic dragnet NOT authorised by Patriot Act, rules US Appeals Court

MrDamage
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Contents of calls

They will know you called a suicide prevention helpline, whilst standing at, or near, a popular spot for suicides, but they will not know what you talked about.

They will know you called an adult chatline for 18 minutes, but will not know what you talked about.

As you say, with the metadata alone, they can paint a very interesting picture.

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SpaceX Dragon crew capsule in 'CHUTE ABORT drama – don't panic, no one died

MrDamage
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Coffee/keyboard

Brown Trousering your spacesuit.

And you thought a fart in an elevator was bad.

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Would you trust your DNA with APPLE? HealthKit lined up as genome data trafficker

MrDamage
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The only DNA of mine

That anyone from Apple will get, will be left in a brown paper bag, left on their doorstep, and set on fire.

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FCC wants to know if carriers can grab some of YOUR WiFi signal

MrDamage
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Legal Implications

Say the ISPs do enable this by default, and don't spell it out very clearly what is happening. Next thing you know, you get a nasty letter from Dallas Buyers Club LLC because someone hopping onto your wifi has decided to perform nefarious deeds which siphon money right out from the grubby pockets of "content creators".

Will the ISP's foot the legal bill, not only for the defence, but also for the research into the correct IP address of the person who performed the deed?

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FOUND: NASA's stray balloon located in the middle of nowhere

MrDamage
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Alien

Aliens!

Nope, sorry, just outback Queenslanders. Carry on.

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Now Smartflash wants $1.6bn for its iTunes patents. Apple: You'll get nothing and like it!

MrDamage
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Utility/Design Patent

The reason why the "rounded corners" argument keeps being brought up by some, is because we are old enough to remember the "look and feel" lawsuit that Apple brought against Microsoft.

Apple tried it on with Microsoft, and failed. They resurrected the spectre of that long dead lawsuit when rounded corners was mentioned (either directly, or indirectly) in their lawsuit against Samsung.

But if you want to talk about nobody copies Samsung phones, you might want to think again about your Fruity firm. Nobody is copying Apple phones either, they're copying Sony and Samsung phones.

Want Proof?

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Apple Watch fanbois suffer PAINFUL RASH after sweaty wristjob action

MrDamage
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Re: Sounds like a perfect recipe for an iSeizure!

No, the iSeizure is what happens amongst the fanbois immediately following the announcement of a new iThing. Quickly followed by an iRapture, then iFondle, iSplooge, and iWipe with an iTissue.

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MrDamage
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Paris Hilton

Re: Rash reporting

On that note, does it detect anyone who downloads and reads the "How to wear a Watch" guide as an intelligence defect of the wearer.

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In a galaxy far, far, far away ... Farthest ever star system discovered

MrDamage
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How many linguine is that?

Quick back of the envelope calculation, based on a light year is about 1 trillion kilometers, the distance to that galaxy is;

64285714285714290 Linguine,

or

976244712007810 Double-decker buses

or

65082914910452.414 Brontosaurus (Brontosauruses, brontosaurii?)

And yes, I was bored. Not much else to do seeing SAP has crashed, again.

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Accused Aussie game hacker flees to Europe ahead of trial

MrDamage
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Trollface

Re: "seven counts of possessing child-exploitation material"

Or 15 under-18 friends on Facebook.

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MrDamage
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Re: Translated...

More like:

"The attacks were said to have caused some $100m in embarrassment."

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Dropbox sets up PO box in Ireland to handle non-US services

MrDamage
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Better serves us? How?

OK, so moving non-US customers to Ireland theoretically gives us greater protection due to the EU data protection laws.

It also "helps" Dropbox's bottom line because of the favourable taxation rates Ireland grants.

But here is the kicker. Why do I still have to deal with US courts should I have any issue with your service?

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Shields up! Shields up! ASTRONAUTS flying to MARS will arrive BRAIN DAMAGED, boffins claim

MrDamage
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Learn a new word

To quote;

"A boffin is British slang for a scientist, engineer, or other person engaged in technical or scientific work. The original World War II conception of war-winning researchers means that the term tends to have more positive connotations than related terms like egghead, nerd, or geek."

On El Reg, boffin is used as a term of respect to those brainy individuals who only get up out of bed when all of the other mad scientists have taken a pill and gone for a lie down due to the complexity of the problem needing to be solved.

Of course, if you don't like it, feel free to get your boffin scientist news elsewhere.

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Apple in rinky-dink ink stink wristjob admission: Watch IS affected by TATTOOS

MrDamage
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Re: To quote R. Reagan, "There you go again."

> Article: "... we're hesitant to brand it a 'flop' ..."

That's because El Reg are patiently waiting for the back-orders to be filled, and more moaning from the heavily tattooed hipsters, before they thoroughly announce it as a flop. Until then, they can just report on it being a piece of useless tat that probably won't service their marketing demographic.

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Strange alien-like life zones found beneath Antarctic glacier

MrDamage
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Any news of alien life on mars

I'll take with a grain of salt.

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Mounties nab Canadian woman, 27, in webcam hack shenanigans bust

MrDamage
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Gimp

Re: Just a joke...

I'm sure the lovely residents of Cell Block H will give her plenty of opportunities to learn what consent actually means.

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What is Apple's idiot tax on Watch these days? 'About $265 or 80%'

MrDamage
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What's the real problem in your life?

I have nothing against anyone who buys an iProduct.

I do have a thing against anyone who is a cultist, whether it be of a product, religion, or political persuasion. These sorts of people do not think rationally, and seeing as they will not engage their own brains, and instead rely on others to tell them what to think, say, and how to dress and act, then the mockery they receive is justified.*

*Unless they always have to wear a helmet and be told to stop licking the windows.

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Brits send Star Wars X-wing fighter to the stratosphere

MrDamage
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Facepalm

They wont get the free tickets

Not enough lens flare. You can still see the actual model.

edit: meant to reply to the post above this one. Oops.

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