* Posts by MrDamage

681 posts • joined 25 Feb 2011

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'White hats don't want to work for us' moans understaffed FBI

MrDamage
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Of course they don't want to work for you.

The fact that they wear white hats, shows they actually have morals, and are unwilling to sacrifice those morals working for a TLA that has none.

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And on that bombshell: Top Gear's Clarkson to reappear on Amazon

MrDamage
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I would pay to watch Jeremy Clarkson test Windows 10.

So would I, but would he test it by hitting it with a hammer, or by dropping a piano onto it?

Either is acceptable, I just want to know how far back to park the deck chair while I have beer and popcorn.

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MrDamage
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Re: Good news for us all !

So, who is the moron?

The one who was unaware the quote was attributed to Clarkson?

Or the person who feels the need to reply multiple times, saying basically the same thing, to people who really couldn't give a shit about your opinion on anything, as well as threatening to make El Reg mods "look foolish"?

Hint: It's not the person who was unaware of the quotes origin.

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Let kids delete their online rants, demand campaigners

MrDamage
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Re: May I suggest...

@moiety: If you are inside your own house, then you have the right to privacy. Once you leave your own house, then you forgo that right. Do something stupid in public, even if you think you are being unobserved, then more fool you.

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Oh, Obama's responded to the petition to pardon Snowden. What'll it be?

MrDamage
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Re: Not a snowball's chance in Hell

Obligatory response.

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Hole in (Number) Two: MYSTERY golf-course pooper strikes again

MrDamage
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Pint

Buy that man a beer!

"Unfortunately, with cat-burglar like skills, the man "climbed up a tree next to the lights and wriggled far out on a branch and dismantled the spotlights."

"How he managed the feat without electrocuting himself or falling is a riddle," said Frode Jormeland, another groundskeeper at the club."

Anyone who is capable of climbing up a tree and disabling spotlights whilst something is tearing at the fabric of reality (or the fabric of your underpants), deserves a beer for their efforts.

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NEW, LOVELY, UNTOUCHED - a second EARTH waiting across the stars

MrDamage
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Re: Dress codes can be fun!

I too used to work for a major company (printers, not computers), where the manager was all in favour of all the techs wearing ties. Never mind the fact that we were working on large scale printers, full of moving parts, gear trains etc, all of which could trap a tie and drag the unhappy wearer into the machinery.

One of our guys had his tie get caught in a paper shredder when he reached behind the shredder in order to turn off the power to the printer to repair it. Us other techs laughed hard at the tale when he told it. We laughed even harder once the OHS folks started zeroing in on the dickhead who mandated ties for all techs.

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Cops baffled by 'canal corpse' that turned out to be COCONUTS

MrDamage
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Re: wheres the IT link?

The "IT link" which you are so desperately searching for, is the html code buried within the text "Cops baffled by 'canal corpse' that turned out to be COCONUTS".

Seriously, stop whinging about lack of IT angle. If your OCD is that bad, fuck off back to 4chan.

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Disaster-gawping cam drones to be blasted out of the sky in California

MrDamage
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Don't change the legislation

As that will just get the owners of the drones to not fess up over their actions.

Let them try and launch a lawsuit against whomever shot it down, and once they have proclaimed their ownership and responsibility of said drone, nail them with the various criminal acts that already exist to deal with these twatnozzles.

Add insult to injury: Charge them for the amount of rounds that were required to bring the drone down as well. At usual govt contractor markup prices of course.

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Microsoft to Windows 10 consumers: You'll get updates LIKE IT or NOT

MrDamage
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Links/citations, or it never happened.

Australian Consumer Law.

It dictates that all terms and conditions of a sale, MUST be made apparent to the consumer prior to the point of purchase. The EULA pops up after the consumer has paid, gone home, opened the package and tried to install the software.

This, makes it not only unenforceable, but also illegal should Microsoft (or any other software vendor), try to force any part of the EULA onto the consumer.

I've used it a few times, on both software vendors, and also other dipshits who thought putting a slip of paper inside the box that I only get to see after I've paid my money.

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Lawyer brands client 'small penis asshole' before challenging him to a DUEL

MrDamage
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Hopes dashed.

When I saw the "victim's" name was Mike, I was hoping it would be this guy, so I could settle in with some beer and popcorn.

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Did speeding American manhole cover beat Sputnik into space? Top boffin speaks to El Reg

MrDamage
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FTFY

When the nuke blew, the lid was caught in the first frame and then disappeared from view. Judging from the yield and the pressure, Dr Brownlee estimated that it left the ground at more than 60 kilometres per second, or 2.0013% of the maximum velocity of a sheep in a vacuum.

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Post-pub nosh neckfiller: Chopstick-collapsing Spam musubi

MrDamage
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Hot n Spicy SPAM

Might be a nice alternative to the normal for this recipe. The spice might be sufficient to take the edge off of all that sugar.

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WHAT ARE the 'WEIRD' SPOTS seen on far-flung PLUTO?

MrDamage
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Mushroom

Re: Not yet!

Or the impact scorch marks left by those who figured out how to activate the mass effect relay, but not how to brake successfully once on the other side.

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Sorry, say boffins, the LHC still hasn't sucked us into a black hole

MrDamage
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Re: Tea?

While the bowl of petunias simply thinks to itself "Oh no, not again".

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Behold the mighty Swiss SPACE JUNK NOSHER PODULE

MrDamage
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Re: So let me get this right ...

To take it a step further...

They plan to pick up said beer bottle with a JCB, and then use copious amounts of white phosphorous to incinerate JCB and beer bottle in order to deal with the litter.

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Ginormous HIDDEN BLACK HOLES flood the universe – boffins

MrDamage
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re: but how do you measure the mass of a black hole?

You take measurements of the fingers holding it open, extrapolate the approximate density of the person who owns said fingers based on their chubbiness, and then you can get the mass of the black hole.

What? You're not talking about goatse, but about the cosmological phenomenon? Sorry, no idea.

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Han Solo to get solo prequel flick in 2018, helmed by LEGO men

MrDamage
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Re: No matter how many times....

Slightly incorrect. Han's dad would have had to shoot one off first, before Han could grow up, hold a gun, and then shoot first.

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Australian government mulls secret terror court proposals

MrDamage
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If the secret courts are strictly for intelligence gathering....

Why on earth did they give the news-feed to a Murdoch publication?

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Biologists gasp at lemur's improbably colossal bollocks

MrDamage
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Obligatory Musical Tribute

Big Balls

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Looking forward to getting Windows 10 the day it ships? Yeah, about that...

MrDamage
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Re: pray/drink for me

Why not both?

Our Lager,

Which art in barrels

Hallowed be thy drink.

Thy will be drunk,

I will be drunk,

At home as in the tavern.

Give us this day our foamy head

and forgive us our spillages

as we forgive those that spill against us

and lead us not into incarceration.

But deliver us from hang-overs,

for thine is the beer,

The bitter and the lager

forever and ever

Barmen!

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Rise of the Machines: ROBOT KILLS MAN at Volkswagen plant

MrDamage
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Terminator

Re: Tasteless

Perhaps you require Edward Furlong to teach you how to make with the witticisms, as you do not appear to have been programmed with a sense of humour.

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Microsoft: This Windows 10 build has 'NO significant known issues'

MrDamage
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It's been that way since Vista.

Now you've done it. My computer was suppressing the memories of a Vista installation. Now I'm going to have to break out the circuit diagram and ask it "Show me where in your circuits Vista violated you"

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MrDamage
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Coat

Re: Hallelujah - File Explorer's file path limit is not 256 any more !

I wouldn't use a microsoft tool either, as I know the ladies prefer a bighard tool.

*badoomtish*

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UH OH: Windows 10 will share your Wi-Fi key with your friends' friends

MrDamage
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Re: Kill that WiFi Sense thing!

How about we just kill the Wifi Sense Project manager with a cricket bat instead? It will serve more as a warning to other project managers wanting to implement anything remotely similar.

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Version 0.1 super-stars built the universe – and they lived all the way over there, boffins point

MrDamage
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Re: God is bigger than the Bible

How much bigger, and by what standards do we measure the size difference?

Linguine? Wales? Jubs? Bulgarian Funbags? Enquiring minds need to know.

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Zionists stole my SHOE, claims Muslim campaigner

MrDamage
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Mushroom

Larry Page. You want proof? Larry has his own volcano lair. What more proof do you need?

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Vic cops want 'potential radicals' off the Internet

MrDamage
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Trollface

Asking for trouble

"If you pick on any group for long enough you will radicalise some of them."

Single, caucasian, atheist, heterosexual males, UNITE! Let us fight off the scourge of laws oriented towards giving women, families, religious groups, ethnic minorities, and the LGBTI community legal discriminatory rights over us!

Rise up out of your mums basement, brush the cheetos from your neckbeards, and spam your government minister with as many lolcat pics as you can!

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Sawfish are the VIRGIN MARYS of the SEA thanks to virgin births

MrDamage
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Not surprised

How else would they reproduce? Just imagine the carnage involved when the lady sawfish engages in oral foreplay with boy sawfish. John Wayne Bobbit knows what I'm talking about.

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Chlorine gas horror leak at Apple data center puts five in hospital

MrDamage
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Coat

Obligatory..

You're breathing it wrong.

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Apple: Relax, fanbois! We never meant to read your heart rate during wild wrist action

MrDamage
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Trollface

Re: er, wrist rate

Never heard of changing hands every 100 strokes to maintain an even workout and avoid cramps?

What? You don't last 100 strokes?

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City of birth? Why password questions are a terrible idea

MrDamage
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Spell it phonetically

Combine phonetic spelling, especially in conjunction with any local accent you may have, and it suddenly makes password guessing a whole lot harder, even if you do have the details plastered all over your farcebook page.

eg: City of Birth: Lifpull vs Liverpool.

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KFC's new secret ingredient is a bluetooth keyboard on your tray

MrDamage
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Elven herbs and spices?

Fitting, considering most of their chicken makes Dwarf Bread seem like a tasty meal.

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Witcher 3: Wild Hunt – a true monster in the making

MrDamage
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>> Cornfed the pig from Duckman

>AND WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU STARING AT!!

It sounds like it's having an hallucinogenic effect. Not like a drug which is harmful and wrong, and just say no kids, but spacey nonetheless.

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Ricoh rolls out electrifyingly exciting RUBBER!

MrDamage
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Some Ideas

Incendiary Slingshot;

Power builds up as you stretch the string, eventually arcing across 2 preset contacts to ignite the payload, and release.

Fashion Victim Therapy;

Make into Crocs. Person gets electrocuted whenever they try and leave the house in them.

Chewing Gum;

Who doesn't want to see someone put a piece of this in their mouth and chew away, especially if they have a gobfull of fillings?

BOFH Anti-anti-static mat;

Got a "tech support rep" you dont like the sight or smell of? Plaonk the faulty server onto a table coated by this, and watch the tech proceed to blow out all internal components.

BOFH Bullwhip;

Now you can channel both your inner BOFH, and inner Indiana Jones, with a self charging bullwhip that not only lashes, but delivers the thrilling kiss of the cattleprod at the same time.

Not sure if I need more coffee, beer, or both to come up with more ideas.

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Arianespace: NBN sats will orbit this year – PROMISE*

MrDamage
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Trollface

HLV

Surely they will need a HLV to be able to carry the payload. All those fruit tins and bundles of twine will rack up the weight costs.

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Viagra makes it HARD for malaria, bug-boffins discover

MrDamage
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Joke

And i thought it was news

when they learnt it can also be used to stop you from rolling out of bed whilst you slept.

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Reddit: Gonna SCRUB these TROLLS right outa my hair

MrDamage
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FTFY

"The number one reason Redditors do not recommend the site – even though they use it themselves – is because they want to avoid exposing friends to hate and offensive content, how sad and pathetic their lives actually are."

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Facebook tips India and Pakistan into NUCLEAR WAR of words

MrDamage
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This calls for

Another India v Pakistan Dance off.

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Metadata scope creep sees Border Force ask for access

MrDamage
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You forgot

about the nightmares our spiders have given people around the world.

People think Arachnaphobia was a fictional film, until they get here and see that it's a daily reality for us natives.

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Stolen an Apple watch? Want to pawn it off? Good news!

MrDamage
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Re: I don't think

I take it you haven't heard of the term "slumming it".

Nor do you appear to read/watch the news. Rich people get mugged and robbed quite often. Due to their status, they actually make better targets than the poor. Funny how that goes.

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Telstra offers six explanations for its dud Netflix rating

MrDamage
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Re: What do people expect?

Don't forget the 2 tin cans

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Cheers Ireland! That sorts our Safe Harbour issues out – Dropbox

MrDamage
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Re: Its not clear to me whether...

If it had anything to do with data legislation, then the little clause about dealing with legal issues would point to a european court, instead the T&C's they give for overseas customers still point to all legal issues being dealt with in a Californian court.

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Apple storms to top spot in stagnant Chinese phones market

MrDamage
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Re: Grow up?

Solid?

Using half a litre of glue to hold your product together does not count as solid.

Deliberately setting internal cooling fans in iMacs to low speed so they don't make horrible "whirring" sounds as they speed up when the chipsets overheat, thus causing damage, is not "solid".

Failing to take into account how phones are held by the majority of people around the world is not solid.

The rest of my family, excepting my thick as shit garbo collector cousin, all went for Apple. He went for Android. He is the only one I don't have to support, as he is the one who went for functionality over form, has not infested his computer with the bloated warthog which is iTunes, and actually thinks before he goes along and downloads anything onto his phone.

The rest of them have fallen into the reality distortion field that Apple produces, and are constantly calling for help with their beloved product. They also complained bitterly when I started refusing to perform hardware repairs for them, until I showed them the various tear-down videos of the products, and then they understood my refusal. I am not going to spend hours cleaning glue off their iShiney components just so it can be put back together again with even more glue. They are now waiting for their various contracts to come to an end, so we can do a bulk buy on handsets which meet both their needs, and that of the person who they will call for support.

So yes, I do have experience with the iProducts. None of it good.

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MrDamage
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Re: Grow up?

I'm sorry, did my lack of the "joke alert" icon give you the wrong impression of what that "whooshing" sound overhead meant?

The idiot in your example, is the camera manufacturer, as they are doing it simply to save money, and have noone but themselves to blame when someone else figures out how to reverse the "damage", and bump up the quality of the mid range camera to the high end one. Doubly so when said person releases the details of the fix to all and sundry on the interwebs.

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MrDamage
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Grow up?

People who want to live in a walled garden, put form over functionality, like being told what to think, believe everything that they are told, and don't have the nouse to realise that simply plugging a cable into another flavour phone will show up said phone as a drive for easy transfer of data without a 3rd party software package to do it for them, are, quite frankly, idiots.

Apple realise this, and are taxing them with exhorbitant prices, knowing they are too idiotic to know better. El Reg are simply recognising the brilliance of their business plan.

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ISS 'naut: How we collect our POO and DROP it FLAMING on hapless Earthlings

MrDamage
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Crash helmet?

Given Newton's third law, do they need a crash helmet to avoid injury following a dinner of beef n beans, or do they just hold on tight to the safety rails?

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Microsoft springs for new undersea cables to link US, UK, Asia

MrDamage
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Joke

Given Brisbane is built on a floodplain, you have undersea cables when it rains really hard.

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What to do when the users are watching Nazi dwarf smut at work?

MrDamage
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Eeeee-aaawwww

During my stint on a helldesk, I was given the task of monitoring network drive quotas for various divisions to ensure enough space was allocated on an as-needed basis. One division full of financial hi-flyers was constantly running out of room, and always had to have more and more space allocated to them. A wee bit of investigation with the email team also showed that not only were their network shares being clogged up at an unprecedented rate, but their email quotas were being burnt through at a similar rate.

One night, we stayed back and decided to do some investigating. Turns out that most of the people in this department, both male and female, had a thing for watching our equine friends get overly friendly with the bipedal owners, again, both male and female. Snapshots were taken, logging performed, backups, and then came the purge.

Next morning, the boss of said department was on the phone, ranting about missing tons of vital information. Myself and the email admin owned up to purging it as we did not believe it was in the best interests of the company to be harbouring said data. His complain went to our manager, then the overall IT manager, up to the CTO, and then the MD. We were asked to give an explanation to the full board of execs why we thought it best to purge important business data. So we plugged a laptop with samples of this data into the projector in the board room, and displayed in full detail, what this important data was.

I don't know what was more satisfying, the bonus we received for tracking down the "unwarranted business expense", or watching security drag 19 people out, kicking and screaming while we sat in the pub across the road. Probably the latter, as the GM was there as well putting the drinks on his personal card and enjoying the spectacle with us.

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NSA spying is illegal? Then let's make it law, say Republicans

MrDamage
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911

"It's pretty clear that 9/11 could have been prevented if we had known about some of the communications that were linked to those who committed the terrible atrocity of 9/11,"

You mean intelligence from the French and Germans that pointed out that this was going to happen, but that intelligence was ignored because US spooks couldn't be bothered getting their heads out of the donut box to confirm?

But lets face it, you just wanted an excuse to rename the way you cook your potatos.

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