* Posts by The Alpha Klutz

652 posts • joined 17 Feb 2011

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Facebook opens mobile apps advertising for all

The Alpha Klutz

ur friend says: buy this shit

trouble with Facebook ads is they just aint convincing.

They aint cool. they're fucking chilly. and chilly aint never been cool.

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Protestors target Google over that video

The Alpha Klutz

Re: That attitude, protestors said, mean we have entered an "age of mockery".

the british answer to that is the "this is a drink free zone" sign that they put up exclusively around areas where people like to get pissed in public.

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The Alpha Klutz

i kinda like being offended

its fun, like taking drugs or having sex or masturbating out of a car window. it gives you a rush that you cant get from being a glum killjoy.

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The Alpha Klutz
Holmes

That attitude, protestors said, mean we have entered an "age of mockery".

no shit sherlock

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Endeavour: donuts and a Toyota ease shuttle's drive through L.A.

The Alpha Klutz

Re: A sad end

the globalists are about to make driving illegal for the 90%. only their AI cars will be allowed to drive. Soon robots will be dragging your body from workplace to workplace and that's how the globalists want it. If you experience any happy emotions, the globalists will find a way to fix that too. In the globalists system the human spirit is replaced with the idea of biological androids fighting for the minority of resources not allocated directly to globalists. Meanwhile the globalists will drink caviar and whale semen and burn the fossil fuels that they naturally don't want you to have, and it won't warm the planet when they do it.

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Übertroll firm bags DRM patent for 3D printing

The Alpha Klutz
Megaphone

Re: Fixing stuff

Fixing stuff is is fulfilling.

But wasting stuff is fun

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MYSTERIOUS GREEN GLOW seen on iPhone 5s

The Alpha Klutz

im sick of apples shit

my iMac keyboard broke after just a year. Different keys fail but they never all work at the same time. They are all physically perfect and work at different times--its completely random--so yeah im quite pissed. And they want £70 for this thing... im going to go and hit an apple employee with it. its very sturdy so it would be good for physically injuring people but its not good for typing.

and now the mail app has stopped working. didnt change nothing. just wont open. Apple products are shit. i bought the iMac because of their monoply on getting the best screens from LG so basically whatever monitor you buy is shit if its not an Apple because LG make them all and Apple buy the top 10% that roll off the production line without faults. except when the ones Apple gets has faults too because they put too much pressure on their suppliers and basically show a total lack of respect.

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Boffins baffled: HUGE EYEBALL washes up on Florida beach

The Alpha Klutz

i wish i had an eye like that

awesome

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Amazon UK leaks Windows 8 retail box, TV ads

The Alpha Klutz
Unhappy

Re: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1cX4t5-YpHQ

How do those 4 sleep at night?

Watching that video hurt my feelings.

the orientation video says i should end with a great resource: windows.com/help

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The Alpha Klutz

itles like "Meet Windows 8," "Make It Yours," "Work Hard, Play Hard," and "It's All About Apps."

ugh.... I wonder if rampant use of cliches is actually a good way to sell software of if Microsoft just get away with it because they're too big to fail.

It's all about apps yo, check it.

No thanks.

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The Alpha Klutz

im going to rush out and get it on release day

we're talking about the latest linux release, right?

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Linux on ARM breakthrough to take away Torvalds' arse pain

The Alpha Klutz
Happy

10 years tops

Microsoft is finished

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Foxconn denies factory labor strike reports

The Alpha Klutz
Megaphone

THEY TAKE YOUR DNA AND MONITOR YOUR PERFORMANCE FOR 6 MONTHS

top performers are cloned. all clones aree recycled every 6 months. all human employees are terminated at 6 months. clones and humans have to compete and verbally abuse eachother.

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Man the floodgates! David Cameron takes to Twitter

The Alpha Klutz

when did the role of Prime Minister turn into

shiny head twat who flies around making business deals? (and not even the most skilled such person in the country)

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LASER STRIKES against US planes on the rise

The Alpha Klutz

Re: Peril-sensitive cockpits

It's a great idea but I think Apple already got the black rectangle patent.

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Massive strike at Foxconn's iPhone 5 factory

The Alpha Klutz
Thumb Up

Re: detail work at sub-millimeter accuracy

I wonder if we can send an iPhone 5 to Dave Jones at the EEVBlog. He knows shitty engineering when he sees it.

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The Alpha Klutz
Thumb Up

large-scale brawls

capitalism is your friend, yo

just as long as build/design/sell weapons to kill little kids etc its all kool.

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Steve Jobs is STILL DEAD

The Alpha Klutz
Megaphone

he might be dead

but when i turn the lights off at night im still scared he might jump out the closet

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Facebook's CHAIR sat on by 1 billion people ... bitch

The Alpha Klutz
Thumb Up

Re: where are the computer screens?

The advert would have been much more accurate if they had set up the shots like this:

scene 1: a bus stop full of people in the dark hours of the morning/night. all their faces are glowing a disgusting blue colour from their LED backlit devices. (LEDs have massive efficiency in the blue spectrum and not much else, all the other colours have to be produced by phosphors). Anyway these blue glowing people are basically not going to talk to each other under any circumstances, and the advert needs to portray the pure isolation of this.

scene 2: typical male masturbating furiously at pictures of good looking women on Facebook. He has a 21 inch monitor so his face is glowing blue as fuck and you can see all the sweat and grease on there.

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The Alpha Klutz

Peter realises that Fincher ripped off the mind control sequences from The Parallax View, in The Game.

Mind control is a major theme in Fincher's work.

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STILL TRUE: Facebook and co to handle taxpayers' ID

The Alpha Klutz

Re: 185 people

So thats':

80 people to render the animated gifs

43 people to lay out the tables/write the html/using notepad and mspaint

38 people to write a navigation system using iframes and javascript

15 people to hack the navigation system into the rest of the site

9 people to design a logo that says "Works best with Internet Explorer 6"

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Brighton marathon munchers banned from all-you-can-eat diner

The Alpha Klutz
Thumb Up

why havent i been this rude to buffet owners?

these men are an inspiration. better bulk up too. muscle burns more calories so its no joke that these people need to eat more.

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Hackers leak 120,000 student records in raid on world's top unis

The Alpha Klutz
Thumb Up

money money money money

money!

Get some lecturer who can barely speak english, get him to read out some books, bingo, you just made 9 grand * 300 students. I should set up a university. So easy to make money and kids are dumb so they wont question that what they're learning is useless.

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Rapper rips up Microsoft's Atlanta store during performance

The Alpha Klutz
Unhappy

Re: Lightweight!

In the 90s the decided they weren't going to allow any more anti-establishment music. That's why all musicians now are so rigidly type-cast and law abiding. But their handlers allow them to talk a big game about having guns and drugs in order to sell records and indoctrinate the youth into mindless/violent capitalism. How lame.

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The Alpha Klutz
Thumb Up

"Suck my d*ck; I’m up in this motherf*cker. MGK in this b*tch. F*ck these computers," he announced,

This line deserves to be savoured again in full.

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Satellite broadband rollout for all in US: But Europe just doesn't get it

The Alpha Klutz

Europeans don't want it

because its crap

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Vote now for the ULTIMATE BACON SARNIE

The Alpha Klutz
Linux

Re: Had a breakfast this morning with no bacon

The Unix version would be a massive wad of bacon in a grey beard.

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The Alpha Klutz

Re: The Guacamole Goulash

have they been picked up by the cops yet?

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The Alpha Klutz

Re: tangentially

Justin Bieber — bacon lyrics

You know you love me

I know you care

Just shout whenever,

And I'll be there

You want my love

You want my heart

And we would never, ever, ever be apart

Are we an item?

Girl quit playin'

We're just friends,

What are you sayin'?

Said there's another as you look right in my eyes

My first love, broke my heart for the first time

And I was like

bacon, bacon, bacon ooh

Like

bacon, bacon, bacon noo

Like

bacon, bacon, bacon ohh

I thought you'd always be mine (mine)

bacon, bacon, bacon ohh

Like

bacon, bacon, bacon noo

Like

bacon, bacon, bacon ohh

I thought you'd always be mine (mine)

...

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The Alpha Klutz
Thumb Up

The Guacamole Goulash

At first it looks like a disgusting pile of squid/mucus. But once you make out the bacon in there, it looks so tasty.

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Facebook's latest brain wave: Flogging REAL fluffy tat

The Alpha Klutz

If that's what Zuck's counting on....

let me just check none of my pension fund is in Facebook...

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The Alpha Klutz
Facepalm

The recipient can "enter their own shipping info and can swap for a different size, flavour or style before the gift ships", the company explained.

so now you can send someone a gift when you:

a) dont know where they live

b) dont know anything about what they like

why would you want to?

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WTF is... NFC

The Alpha Klutz

Go the whole hog

Near field? What about long field? Might as well just put a transponder in my hat, so I can wonder around taking any items I want from the shops, and you can just send me an invoice later. Why not...

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New I-hate-my-neighbour stickers to protect Brits' packages

The Alpha Klutz
Trollface

Re: Troll the neighbourhood

where is downing street again?

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Mighty quake shook ENTIRE PLANET, broke tectonic plate

The Alpha Klutz
Megaphone

Re: its all unwinding now

You don't own a house or any land. You weren't given a decent education or any job prospects worth a fuck. And now, you can say goodbye to your NHS, your pension, your car, and your livelihood. There are people in China being forced to do your job for pennies, and if they don't like it, they cant even commit suicide anymore. And you support this awful regime with hundreds of your over-inflated pounds and your fat fucking dollars. You think everything is just a big playground for you, and it's all okay as long as you can sit on the toilet with your iPhone in your free moments off from lining up at the dole officer or going to special government retraining camps to teach you how to be a security guard so you can keep the other plebs in line when they finally figure it out too.

It's such a clever system that you will be simultaneously oppressed and an oppressor. It's true hell on earth.

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Windows Store size doubles: Now 0.3% the size of Apple's

The Alpha Klutz
Go

Re: windows store apple store linux store

It's just like the business world. Same as business. everybody knows by now all businessmen are completely full of shit. Just the worst kind of low life criminal cocksuckers you could ever wanna run into. A fucking piece of shit businessman. And the proof of it is: they don't even trust each other! When a businessman sits down and negotiate a deal, the first thing he does is to automatically assume that the other guy is a complete lying prick who's trying to fuck him out of his money. So he's gotta do everything he can to fuck the other guy a little bit faster and a little bit harder. And he's gotta do it with a big smile on his face. You know that big bullshit businessman smile? And if you are a customer, whoa. That's when you get the really big smile. Customer always gets the real big smile, as the businessman carefully positions himself, directly behind the customer, and unzips his pants, and proceeds to service the account. "I am serving this account. This customer needs service". Now you know what they mean when they say: "we specialize in customer service". Whoever coined the phrase: "Let the buyer beware" was probably bleeding from the asshole."

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This post has been deleted by a moderator

TalkTalk somehow retains most-complained-about-ISP title AGAIN

The Alpha Klutz
Big Brother

attention comrades the data ration is up 3%

now do your calisthenics, we have a genetic algorithm running to spot nonconformists

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Guardian's Robin Hood plan: Steal from everyone to give to us

The Alpha Klutz
Stop

there ought to be two new requirements for becoming a teacher.

Intelligence and decency. It might work, it certainly hasn't been tried yet.

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iPhone 5 sales curbed by lack of smashable screens – report

The Alpha Klutz
FAIL

Any aluminum product may scratch or chip with use. That is normal.

Yeah when i go to the supermarket i always marvel at how scratched up all the aluminium cans look. every one of them covered in scratches. not

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The Alpha Klutz

imagine dinner at Tim Cook's house

lets bow our heads and say grace; we thank you Steve Jobs for this bounty we are about to receive, amen.

and they all get a plain white breathmint.

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The Alpha Klutz
Facepalm

it has nevertheless disappointed analysts who were predicting sales of six to 10 million.

Gosh if the analysts are disappointed by that, imagine how they'll react when the economy collapses and we all have to live under global feudalism.

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The Alpha Klutz

all the effort to shave off some micrometres?

whats the point when the damn thing is as big as an OS map already.

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Facebook denies Timeline publishes punters' private posts

The Alpha Klutz

Re: Facebook denies Timeline publishes punters' private posts

of course, Zuck will always claim they can set their security settings, but if he hadn't miss-managed their security settings in the first place they wouldnt have been fucked over to begin with.

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The Alpha Klutz

Facebook denies Timeline publishes punters' private posts

Facebook lies. I can see private posts from people who dont even like me. sometimes you click on a timeline and nothing comes up, sometimes you get their private shit spunked right over your terminal window and they cant do ANYTHING ABOUT IT

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Smartphones may soon listen in on you while they sleep

The Alpha Klutz

"Just turning on the device is part of the problem, right?"

.... no

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