* Posts by The Alpha Klutz

652 posts • joined 17 Feb 2011

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TalkTalk still the most whinged about telco

The Alpha Klutz
Terminator

there's something inherently slimey about most telcos tbh

WE GIVE U GUD DEAL U SIGN NOW!

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Windows 8 secure boot would 'exclude' Linux

The Alpha Klutz

It's a crying shame, but somehow I'm sure there will always be a market in motherboards that aren't crippled in this way.

Such a move would also create a new market in high quality firmware cracking tools just as there are already high quality Microsoft cracking tools. 'High Quality' means that they work and are not malicious, which is ironic because the copy protection mechanisms that they remove often do not work (self evidently) and are malicious (you're basically being spied on).

Inevitably though such firmware lockout schemes will make it into the millions of low quality computers that Dell and Acer must be selling at cost price these days. All Microsoft has to do is offer them another couple of dollars off Windows and the temptation to screw their customers would be overpowering as usual.

There is probably a market for this kind of thing in set top boxes and the like, when manufacturer's want to sell their hardware as a loss leader, and don't want some "scum" "bag" installing a proper OS on it and using it as a cheap PC. The Xbox will probably have this new firmware in it. But then the Xbox also breaks 5 times a day so there you have it.

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Hackers break SSL encryption used by millions of sites

The Alpha Klutz

we need something other than general purpose web browsers

for secure traffic.

Using a general purpose web browser to do your banking is getting to be like cleaning your teeth with a shotgun. We need something much less powerful, with much more emphasis on safety.

We need simple 'banking clients', based on the best available encryption technology, and everytime that technology gets patched, your client breaks until you download the update. Your bank should rightfully be seen as negligent if they too do not upgrade ASAP (yes, that means someone at the bank actually has to do some WORK once in a while, sorry to break it to you like that). It is a deriliction of duty to use the same shit that doesn't work for decades, then sit on your hands and blame everyone else when it goes wrong.

Yes you can bitch and moan about having to install constant updates, but this is security we're talking about, not some fucking parlor game.

A web browser is like a pub, different pubs are good for different reasons, but none of them are good for banking. Thats why you go to your local BANK, if they're not too busy closing it down so the CEO can pocket another hundred million.

So in summary, bankers are the only people in the world who can afford to take on such a software project, and they're still not going to.

which means the government has to do it, which means, guess what, that'll be another billion taxes straight to Microsoft. Maybe Microsoft should just buy HMRC. And, 25 years later, they might come up with some dicky bullshit software based on a phone tablet toaster PC that you can use on your flower arranging table on the moon. And it'll only cost a million pounds in the UK and 3 dollars in the US.

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Ballmer: Windows Phone can win third place in mobile!

The Alpha Klutz
Facepalm

""""I won't say I'm not saying I love where we are, but I'm very optimistic to where I think we can be," Ballmer said. "I think with a little bit more effort, a little bit more energy, the level of enthusiasm from the customer base is high enough we've just got to kick this thing to the next level. And I think we're in absolute good shape in order to be a very strong third ecosystem in the smart phone world.""""

The last time I heard incoherent ramblings this bad, they were coming from Charlie Sheen.

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A-level results accidentally put on interwebs a week early

The Alpha Klutz

"Why is it always pretty girls attached to articles about A-Level results?"

It's a subtle clue that there is something our society values more than grades.

A-levels? Or T&A-levels?

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Rogue character space tripped Scottish exam results

The Alpha Klutz

they got their results a day early?

the world is turning to absolute shit!

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Zuck's sister leaves Facebook to start new venture

The Alpha Klutz

"they feel like they can say whatever they want behind closed doors."

She's right you know.

You're not allowed to say whatever you want at school, and you're not allowed to say whatever you want at work, so why do you think you can do it at home? Is your home a special place where you can say anything you like? No. So buck up and act right, scum bag!

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The Alpha Klutz
Angel

new business will be a poo poo failure

let's watch!

what is groundbreaking media work, anyway? is that when your shitty media start-up goes broke and your entire staff end up in the ditch digging/grave digging professions?

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Entering a storage jail

The Alpha Klutz

I just don't buy in to media as a service

I want my digital media files to be stored on my hardware. Regardless of from whom I choose to purchase that hardware or when I choose to upgrade it. I may only have a licence agreement, but it's a music file that I am manipulating, not a legal document. The licence needs to reflect the reality of how we use the entity to which it relates.

The rights industry is failing because lawyers are so consistent in their failure to understand how normal people interact with the world. They just don't get it. It would be nice, for a change, to read a legal document that's not written in the style of a reductionist postmortem analysis of some Dickensian fantasy town where everything ran on metric time and people had 10 limbs a piece. A place where people were no doubt so busy drinking pond water that they failed to see their own reflections in it.

That's what a lawyer is picturing in his mind's eye when you ask him how he spent his weekend. Naturally these are the people who rule us, with a limp but toxic fist of confusion and mental regression. And now they want your music collection too. They know that music helps the mind think, and they certainly don't want us doing any of that; it could lead to some sort of peace on earth - what would the lawyers do then?

It would be such a shame if someone with real vision ever got in charge. Better keep on voting to make sure that THAT never happens.

One may buy an amplifier, a set of speakers and a record player. If a year later one has the money to buy a nicer record player, it is entirely possible to swap them over. It should be the same with digital music too.

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Google dumps all 11+ million .co.cc sites from its results

The Alpha Klutz

Good idea

These free subdomain services seem to attract spammers and script kiddies like a park bench attracts dog shit.

You could block another 11 million and not loose anything relevant.

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Anti-PowerPoint Party vows end to death by slides

The Alpha Klutz
Mushroom

Yes it's true

Schools are actually teaching kids to write their talk out in condensed bullet point, 'PowerPoint', format *first*, and then extrapolate the details out *later*, 'on the fly', when they present the talk.

You only need half a brain to know that's backwards. Kids are actually being ordered to 'wing it'. If they disobey that order (and it is an order, in the absolute pettiest sense), they are expelled. Sorry, 'given the choice to leave school', as it is now called. (Ask the parents of any recently expelled child).

And then we wonder why no one respects the British work force. People who behave this way do not deserve respect. They don't even deserve self respect. And they will get neither.

I mean, how does one arrive at the condensed version of something before they've bothered to finish the full version? You've not got a summary, you've got unfinished work. I never give credit for unfinished work. (But schools do, indeed they insist on it). This is yet another example of how schools are enslaving the minds of todays youth. Completely on purpose I might add.

If you are going to sit there and crow about how great schools are in the UK, I dare you to visit one and see for yourself what happens in 2011. I double dare you.

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UK will obey barmy Euro unisex-insurance rules from 2013

The Alpha Klutz
Big Brother

sounds good to me

just because "average" men are reckless assholes, doesn't mean I should be forced to pay reckless asshole insurance premiums.

How is it fair for people to make assumptions about the way I drive, without ever taking the trouble to actually watch me drive and see how I do it? Sounds like pre-crime to me. Of course, I must be guilty of being a bad driver; it's in my genetics. Maybe we should purge the faulty genes too?

Ask yourself this: Would you be happy if you got a speeding ticket every time anyone of your gender broke the speed limit? Would you be happy if you were locked up, because someone else, whom you've never met, ran someone over? The only connection being that you and the actual perpetrator are the same age?

How would you like it? Not very much I suspect. But don't worry, you'll get to find out for real. It's called Policing by Numbers, and it might be too late to save your sanity but it's not too late to save your soul. Let those who love statistics so much, see where it takes them.

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New plan: Send humans into space, keep the robots on Earth

The Alpha Klutz
Thumb Up

so if you get to the ISS and realise you left the iron on

you can send a robot to turn it off.

There's also huge potential for astronaughts changing terrestrial lightbulbs. It could be a 24 hour on-demand service, call the number and a big angry robot will come and change your lightbulbs. Whether you want it to or not, which obviously you do since you called the number.

And the robot will wear a large pink cowboy hat and it will play the trombone really fast. Space exploration is so cool.

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MS advises drastic measures to fight hellish Trojan

The Alpha Klutz

"I think that would soon get me in trouble, would it not?"

Probably not. The fine folks at trading standards will just sit on their thumbs. Which is easy for them because they have 5 on each hand.

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Accused SOCA attacker reportedly 'keen' to help cops

The Alpha Klutz

criminal damage is good for the economy.

Work is pretty slow for the guys who make bus stops until someone smashes one up.

The "cyber security" industry must be worth millions, with thousands of staff. Someone has to do the damage that keeps those staff in clean clothes and doughnuts. Except for the clean clothes bit.

It doesn't cost society anything, it actually generates wealth for society. Money doesn't disappear just because you spent it on fixing something.

It costs society dearly when we allow a small number of individuals, mostly bankers, but other assholes as well, to collect millions of pounds they don't really need and then.... do nothing at all with it. Like they think taking money to the grave with them is some kind of funny joke. Well, it's not. Stop it.

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Faking reviews? You should fret about more than illegality

The Alpha Klutz
Facepalm

D'OH

yeah, you are right.

well... crap in the sink or something. If enough people do it...

Plenty of scope for excuses too:

I thought you were supposed to do it like that.

My doctor says it's good for my circulation.

I'm not allowed to bend my knees.

etc.

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The Alpha Klutz

most product reviews

online or offline, are not worth 6 inches of piss in the snow.

So here's what I do:

1. buy the product

2. review it myself

3. send it back if I don't like it

Fairly simple thing that, its called having rights.

Nothing you buy these days is as described. Buy the 5 most likely candidates and send 4 of them back. Until marketing folks learn to stop lying so fucking blatantly, their employers will just have to deal with the massive volume of returns that they are generating.

Pay by credit card and you don't even have to risk any of your own money.

Once again, it's called rights. They're not just for criminals and bureaucrats, you can have them too!

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Firing back at LulzSec

The Alpha Klutz
Facepalm

"this week's breach of UK census data"

alleged breach.

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Programmers urged to code with their tootsies

The Alpha Klutz
Facepalm

TWO HUNDRED AND EIGHTY NINE DOLLARS!?

That's the problem with all these "bespoke" input devices, they are all so fucking overpriced. That's why they are generally sold to musicians, because musicians are seen as cash cows who will pay any price for "quality" - even if it is just a piece of plastic that you step on - for fucks sake!

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Got a website? Pay attention, Cookie Law will come

The Alpha Klutz

"Software comprises instructions"

It is by interrogating the Cookie that the browser finds out 'what to do', if that is not an instruction, I would love to hear your definition of what is.

This website is software because it comprises instructions for recreating the site on the client machine. The image file software contains the instructions that tell the image rendering software how to draw The Register logo, while the font software on your computer is a precise set of instructions for recreating text on the screen.

That is if you draw the arbitrary conclusion that software has to contain instructions, which of course, it doesn't. A help file is software, as is porn. Even though you could say that both comprise instructions for recreating images on the screen, that is besides the point.

I would say that any collection of intangible data that means anything to either the user or the computer, is software. Does your Windows executable stop being software when you copy it to a Mac? What about if you encrypt it as well? Now suppose that you have an encrypted file that MIGHT contain an executable, but you are not sure, is that software? Or does it only become software after you decrypt it? Does the fact that it CAN be decrypted not mean that it was software all along?

The software on my harddrive is hardcore, no soft-porn.

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The Alpha Klutz

"Cookies ARE NOT software."

Yeah but, they are.

Reminds me, some guy was telling me "a computer case is NOT hardware". *SIGH*

some people just need to stop smoking crack.

PS. I still think the cookie law is somewhat stupid. I bet the guy who wrote the law didn't even know what a cookie was until 3 pages in to it.

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Sega’s saggy security

The Alpha Klutz
Terminator

Sir,

show some Sega saggy security saga sample side stories so Sheila shall see sumptuous storytelling sometime soon.

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Hacker wrists slapped for stealing Lady Gaga songs

The Alpha Klutz

"explicit private photos from bombshell artist Kesha"

well I had to Google the photo, and well, it is the most bizarre thing I have ever seen.

Was it stolen from Kesha's computer or downloaded from SETI?

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Kindle Store awash with auto-generated crap 'books'

The Alpha Klutz

auto-generated crapbooks

Its gardly amazons fault - In a slightly less punnish manner: When I look for titles on my Kindle, I'm usually a "publication deposit" , and then I've never had a paperback or hardcover book either. OK so theres a lot of shite out there - It pointless even starting to look. Just hold on to the customer's money.

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Facebook's mega-billion-dollar bubble ... will it float?

The Alpha Klutz
Angel

"How does the next generation benefit from being from a broken home"

a lady from the council comes round and gives them BISCUITS

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The Alpha Klutz

well I guess

Google do all they do off the back of billions of ad dollars (it seems so hard to believe, I mean who actually clicks Google ads, apart from no one?), so Facebook is just crazy enough to work.

People will go to google, search for facebook, click some ads, then go back to google and search facebook again, click some more ads, then go back to google (third time lucky), search for facebook, click the facebook link, then go on facebook and click some ads.

It's a fate worse than death, but if these people with, shall we say, "special digital needs", are injecting ad money into the IT industry then long may it live. The bandwidth it takes to deliver 1 high def Youtube video to me probably cost about a thousands ad clicks that some loser had to sit in his house doing all day, while I just block the adverts. I feel great, Google is coining it in, and an underclass of suboids is clicking adverts sunrise to sunset. Celebrate good times.

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Lulzsec gets hacking downunder

The Alpha Klutz
Big Brother

clearly a black op

Government needs excuse to turn off the internet and gut it. Then we will be given access to a walled garden instead. Effectively just Facebook, but run on behalf of the government (like it already is). There will be no more DNS system. You just point your browser at Facebook, "the new internet", and write up everything you did that day, because it will be mandatory.

But first and most importantly of all they need the people to demand that something is done about "the hackers". This is just the start of a blitz that will have every newspaper in the country demanding outright enslavement before the year is out. Our politicians, although they really have no power over anything, are the useful idiots who will read those news stories and implement the police state. They have all the tools.

This is the capstone. Get ready to lose everything.

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Boffins brew up formula for consummate cuppa

The Alpha Klutz

"Are we assuming that room temperature is below 60C"

I think that is a safe assumption yes.

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The Alpha Klutz
Thumb Up

"BY SOMEONE ELSE"

this point deserves repeating.

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Anonymous vows to attack Federal Reserve

The Alpha Klutz
Big Brother

"Perhaps if there were more stories about people doing things with computers"

careful what you wish for.

"Evil satanist and computer worshiper h4rm0ny was today caught having sex with computers. His neighbours say he is the quiet type. 'He kept himself to himself', said Joe Twitch'n'Look, h4rm0ny's next door neighbour. The crime of 'private use of a computational machine to facilitate data processing' is punishable by up to 6 consecutive hangings. President and Saviour Gordon Brown, back from his stay in the cryogenics lab, recently announced tough new laws to punish computer users. In a press release he said 'h4rm0ny is genetically sick, that is why he is stealing tax money from children'. And now here's Kate with the weather..."

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UK watchdog looking into Facebook face-tech row

The Alpha Klutz

"you have to find a way of controlling what your friends do too"

its so much easier to just not have friends.

or just have one, and even then dont talk to him that often. (and it would have to be a him, you cant go long periods without talking to women or they will assume you don't like them anymore)

The more people you associate with, the more things you are able to do (greater resources) but the less control you have over WHAT you actually do. these days you have to be a loud mouth cunt just to get your idea heard at all.

Besides, the amount of respect you get in any given group is directly proportional to how your hair style ranks in the group. People like me get no respect, purely because we were born with the wrong kind of hair. It's not shiny enough, or it doesn't flop in the right direction. You might think this is a silly hypothesis, but trust me I am right.

And if you ever do get in with a good crowd, that's when the demands will start "do this do that, why aren't you helping fund our day trip to the arctic" maybe I don't fucking like the arctic. maybe thats why.

Sod em.

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Has Steve Jobs killed the consumer hard disk industry?

The Alpha Klutz

"about 150Mb/s in practice"

Yup, if you have the laptop half an inch away from the router inside a Faraday cage in a specially tuned room and the crystal ball on your Ouija board is reporting increased vampire activity in the vicinity of your burial vault.

150 megs my ass!

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The Alpha Klutz

Western Digital still have my business

I run my own NAS box. It's like a cloud, but better, because it resides in the same country as I do and so my data is not mysteriously subject to a different set of laws than I am. It also allows me to slot in an extra couple of TB whenever I want at very marginal cost with no silly subscription fees to pay. Just as long as I can afford to pay the electricity, the data is there.

Only problem is, I have exactly 0% need for any kind of "cloud". If the data isn't important enough for me to make a conscious effort to carry it around, then it is not worth having with me anyway. QED. I don't take the fucking toilet brush with me when I go to work do I (actually I do, just kidding). Is nothing sacred?

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Germans completely humourless: Official

The Alpha Klutz

"I can see how some might not find that funny."

That's right, you poo poo head!

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The Alpha Klutz

"it’s a bit of a pie in the face for us."

I actually like pie in the face.

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Spot-the-fake site launched

The Alpha Klutz
Pint

stereotypes r bad mmky

Not everyone who wears Burberry is a delinquent. My business colleagues and I regularly transact the purchase of a bottle of White Lightning from our local Business 2 Business vendor in the corner shop keeping industry. Then we vertically integrate our Burberry caps onto our skull-based brain carrying units and expand into other markets in the local park. There we use social media based hyperphone sound blasting technology to attract large crowds of qualified sales leads to meet the specification of our Alcohol Consumption Manager and his team of highly qualified corporate hospitality associates.

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The Alpha Klutz

but what they do need

is a non-shit name

like "COUNTERFEIT WATCH" "THE FAKE DETECTIVES" "KNOCK-OFF NIGEL NAILS NELLY"

okay maybe not that last one.

but seriously, what the fuck is "Brand-i"?

Sounds like a crap brand of knock-off brandy made from ground up kidney stones. "Well I have Ebola now so I might as well drink some Brand-i".

I should work in marketing.

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The Alpha Klutz

I approve...

kinda.

Anyone can contact a manufacturer or look on their website to get a list of authorized dealers of particular a product. Putting this information in one place is only useful if someone bothers to update it.

What I would prefer is side by side photos of the original and the fake, internals and externals. But that is mostly just to satisfy my own sick curiosities rather than to battle counterfeits. If in doubt the manufacturer will just tell you to check the serial number with them, but I don't see how the serial number couldn't be faked to a sufficient standard as well.

Remember when counterfeiters cloned the entire NEC company....

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Student suspended for posting random satire on YouTube

The Alpha Klutz

the only important thing about school

Is which one you went to.

You can be the world's biggest dumb ass, but with the right name on your CV you'll still become president.

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The Alpha Klutz

"elsewhere and out of uniform you're obviously not under their jurisdiction"

Well yes, that is exactly what SHOULD happen.

But more and more we are seeing schools getting involved where they are not welcome, on Internet forums and chat sites, spying on what their pupils say and taking them to task over it.

If the kid says something naughty, they get their butt kicked out of school.

It doesn't matter that to an outsider, there was absolutely nothing on the Internet that would have identified the kid as a pupil of school X.

It doesn't matter that the kid used his own equipment on his own time to exercise his own rights.

What matters is some busybody teacher saw a kid doing something s/he doesn't like. The teacher then proceeds to enact a personal vendetta against the kid by implementing the revocation of his or her education and qualifications - effectively a life sentence without trial - something that surely goes against every human right in the book.

And what do we do with these rouge teachers? We give them a promotion, a £150k salary, and put their name on a plaque for civic bravery. That crosses a line on the wrong side of "police state".

In a perfect world, something VERY different would happen to these "educators". And I wouldn't like to tell you what.

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The Alpha Klutz

"detrimental to the positive moral tone of the school"

what a hoot.

there does seem to be a trend in western schools.

"you will not do anything against our rules while you are under our jurisdiction"

"things that are against our rules include; whatever we feel like at the time. Areas under our jurisdiction are; wherever you happen to be at the time"

Now I am going to go and stick my positive moral tone into a fleshlight. I hope my teacher doesn't find out.

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Sandi Toksvig puts the 'n' into cuts - on the Beeb

The Alpha Klutz

If you can't get a life,

at least stop dodging the grave.

The young productive members of society would like to run things for a change.

we put the "you are" into "you are a cunt"

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New Sony hack exposes more consumer passwords

The Alpha Klutz
Pint

Sony is the new whipping boy

for any prankster or media outlet with more than two followers and a spare 5 minutes to rub together.

Personally I approve of this situation.

Not because I dislike Sony per se, I just like the idea that a big media company can be given such a persistent and ultraviolent beating by transient juvenile flashmobs that any notion of them being in control of public opinion will surely become laughable.

I could argue that it is your moral duty to laugh.

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World Health Organization: Mobile phone cancer risk 'possible'

The Alpha Klutz

The way people talk these days

It's like they expect to live forever.

"You can't do THAT, it's dangerous! I would never do THAT, and I have never died. Not even once, so you BETTER listen to me."

That's what you will hear from one of these fascists, right before they jump in their Audi to go drive around town 10 millimeters from the back of a heavy Goods Vehicle while they chain smoke cheap knock-off cigarettes full of mercury and monkey droppings.

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The Alpha Klutz

I'll have to ask the 10 year old girl I saw smoking in the street how she thinks that will work out.

You really shouldn't bother an expectant mother with such petty questions.

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The Alpha Klutz
Holmes

"Would you put an incandescent light bulb in your brain?"

I would if I could.

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New Mac scareware variant installs without password

The Alpha Klutz
Boffin

I guess that's the way

the cookie crumbles.

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