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* Posts by The Alpha Klutz

652 posts • joined 17 Feb 2011

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Join the gov consultation on net porn ... and have your identity revealed

The Alpha Klutz
Thumb Up

you will be wanking so hard your frenulum will snap off and bounce around the room

and then you'll wish the government had blocked porn

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The Alpha Klutz

shocked

this is fucking shit

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Half the team at the heart of the RBS disaster WERE in India

The Alpha Klutz
Mushroom

Re: this is typical of a failed society

and guess what the banks have already failed

millions of people with incorrect balances?

LIBOR FUBAR WTF?

and bankers regularly getting fucked in the ass with large amounts of free money.

i guess the bankers will be disappearing to their private bunkers before you start to wake up, by then of course, its too late.

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69,000 sign petition to save TV-linker O'Dwyer from US extradition

The Alpha Klutz
Megaphone

i know how to calm myself down when dealing with media execs

I once had a meeting with this high-flying TV exec, first thing in the morning at 9am.

so i turned up at his place half an hour prior, and tried to slide my body into his office secretly.

there was a receptionist outside and she was obviously expecting me to sit in the waiting area like some kind of hideously inactive meatbag. she was hot but this wasnt a problem for me as i am too so i tickled her ass a few times and she let me right into his office, i closed the door and sat in his chair waiting.

sometime around 9:00 he came in, quite surprised to see me in there, but i wasnt bothered, i just inhaled deeply, opened my mouth, and told him to FUCK OFF.

and he did.

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RBS collapse details revealed: Arrow points to defective part

The Alpha Klutz

uk based stalling tactics

one of the big buckets of money fell over and got spilled and now they crawl on the floor putting the coins back in the right accounts

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Facebook loses face: Faced down in faceoff over face-placing

The Alpha Klutz
Megaphone

i have a story about analingus

i wonder what well know facebook user can sponsor it...

hmm well it would have to be someone desperate to get laid, desperate enough to build a voyeuristic social networking site and trick his rich influential university peers into spreading it around.

perverts nowadays can use facebook to stalk gorgeous sexy people, but they owe it all to the original pervert to invent the dream.

shine on

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Tech fault at RBS and Natwest freezes millions of UK bank balances

The Alpha Klutz
Thumb Up

this is what happens when society falls

you think you will get compensation haha fuck you no you wont.

you can just enjoy being homeless when your rent cheque goes boing. obviously they dont care.

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Apple must be tried for the bug in every fanboi's pocket

The Alpha Klutz

Re: It must be extremely lonely way up there in that ivory tower of yours.

I've got broadband and Vaseline.

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The Alpha Klutz
Megaphone

yet another sign that society is failing

soon it will be illegal to experience happiness, but you won't be in any danger of breaking that law, as any tinge of happiness you may have felt years ago has long since been ground out of your brain in a tedious process of humiliation and compulsory self degradation that includes rituals such as buying iphones and acting cool. but now that you are utterly bankrupt of your human characteristics, you begin to wonder why you exist at all, and, it doesnt look good for you i'm afraid. your future is at best, extremely bleak. i can imagine a wealth of ways in which you will probably suffer, it is more than likely im afraid.

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Ten... celeb headphones

The Alpha Klutz
Thumb Up

egad

quite happy with my AKGs and the outlay for a quality pair was minimal compared to some of this.

you are not even a real man until you drop your headphones on the floor daily. And the AKGs still work fine, I have damaged my hearing with them quite severely, because you can just keep turning them up and they get more awesome linearly. and they never distort, ever. they also have quite a good amount of padding to shield out the shit awful sound of reality and suffering and the like. even so, i turn them way up so that i cant hear the shit awful sound of my own thoughts.

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Microsoft forbids class actions in new Windows licence

The Alpha Klutz
Linux

our new licence

once you open the cellophane you agree to carry out your slavely duties under section 3 of the end user slaving agreement.

ps. because we are a big company we dont have to treat you with respect

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Ouch! Facebook slumps below IPO value on day 2

The Alpha Klutz
Megaphone

i just sold all my facebook

shares.

this stink-boat is sinking.

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Zuck weds self to lady friend in surprise ceremony

The Alpha Klutz
Mushroom

SHE IS ALREADY PRACTISING HER FROWN FACE

now in accordance with marital policy Zuck will have his dick and balls shrink wrapped.

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Virgin Media site goes titsup in Pirate Bay payback attack

The Alpha Klutz
Megaphone

hello uk population is being trolled

active military trolling in this sector is shutting down our internets, and you are just going to take it.

haha fucker now you know why they is been flying helicopters over your house daily. does it feel good in your brain to have that knowledge? no.

y u no do anything?

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Investors queue for chance to glance at Zuck's FACE

The Alpha Klutz

when you feel low, look at Zuckerberg

and remember that he will NEVER find true love.

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Pirate island attracts more than 100 startup tenants

The Alpha Klutz

hello i am delighted to be alive at your expense

i am currently squatting in your summer house. your wifi is good for all the music and porn im downloading. pirated of course. PS. ive added some stains on your toilet that aint going nowhere.

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BT missing from Pirate Bay High Court slap-down

The Alpha Klutz
Mushroom

hello i am going to destroy you

and you are going to be made to enjoy your destruction

then, i will build you back up again and destroy you a second time

that time you will made not to enjoy your destruction.

you will jump when i say frog.

you will bark when i say dog

you will be made to smoke sub-standard crack.

I will be home for dinner honey,

Sincerely,

Joe 'Typical Record Company Executive'

Executive Director of Typical Music.

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Study finds water cycle accelerating with warming

The Alpha Klutz

haha humans are fucked

and can be phased out now

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Official: Britain staggers into double-dip recession doom

The Alpha Klutz
Devil

hello motherfucker

yes I'm talking to you Tony Blair, you did this on purpose, you lubricious swine. I'm going to have fun with you in the afterlife, motherfucker.

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Great HR mistakes of our time - Aviva fires 1300 by email

The Alpha Klutz
Mushroom

hooooooly fuck

these pussies think thats a firing, ive fired more people than that with my dick. these amateurs disgust me.

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Zuckerberg blew $1bn on Instagram 'without telling Facebook board'

The Alpha Klutz

well well

Zuckerberg was just a dangerous lunatic all along.

forgive me if i say i told you so HA.

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Lords give automatic smut censorship bill the once-over

The Alpha Klutz

as you can see the police state coming in now

get ready for your secret trail shitface, what does it matter, we will all be in the gulags by the time this whole shitty mess collapses around us. and flooding the country with tourists for the 2012 nolympics was all part of their plan to destablise things so when the country is full and there are no police, and criminals running rampant killing children and small animals on every street corner, then you will learn what it feels like to have your life in a database with some jobsworth touching you up every 5 minutes asking for your ID card. you think you will be able to get petrol then? ha fucking ha. you will be lucky if some hoody doesnt slash your tyres and your face and make off with the last of your savings which by the way wont be worth fuck all when the banks collapse which they already did.

so eat shit and die, because you wont be able to afford to eat anything else.

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Facebook's viral activism is really good... for admen

The Alpha Klutz
Meh

so you mean that smug, self satisfied, toilet seat sniffer

runs an organisation that pays himself most of the donations? wow

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Tony Blair closes RSA 2012, denounces WikiLeaks

The Alpha Klutz

Re: Choose your weapons

eat about 6 dozen eggs beforehand and sit in the front row blowing off

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The Alpha Klutz

tony blair makes the scum of the earth look good

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IT guy answers daughter's Facebook rant by shooting her laptop

The Alpha Klutz

he did it to scare the other kids. now they know their friend's dad will come round and shoot the fuck out of them if they do anything wrong.

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Judges set timetable for McKinnon case resolution

The Alpha Klutz

what's the point in having laws

If criminals aren't allowed to consider themselves above them?

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Students busted for hacking computers, changing grades

The Alpha Klutz

i wish someone would put the kids in charge of the school

tired of schools run by idiots you know?

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HMV faces the music after crap Christmas

The Alpha Klutz
Mushroom

FLAVOURED CONDOMS

200+ flavours.

They'll make the £160m back in a week.

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Apple land-grabs fuel cells for mobiles

The Alpha Klutz

patents

are for shutting down innovation so that nobody can ever compete with the megacorps.

Any corporation big enough to have lawyers on staff is already doing what it wants in complete contravention to patents and international law. They don't even care enough to hide it now. What this means is that some guy in a shed will never be allowed to add a fuel cell to a phone even if the chances are good he will do it better and cheaper than Apple and treat his customers more fairly.

Corporations like Apple are so cowardly that they won't even compete with the cottage industries because they know in any truly free market they would be beaten effortlessly (on every issue of customer satisfaction and technical brilliance) by guys who don't even have lawyers. That's how Apple was founded! Wake Up.

The fact that today's youth and inventors are not scared of such broad patents shows just how little intellect it really takes to get yourself a degree these days. When human invention is signed off wholesale to 4 or 5 top megacorps who we know are evil, and nobody even cares, that's when we have a problem.

People claim to love Apple, but then exhibit an anti-invention anti-intellectual standpoint that is just shocking. Proof if you need it that these people haven't heard of Steve Wozniak before. They just want a phone that looks good when you dance around in front of a bluescreen waving the headphone cord around. Pathetic.

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Go Daddy boycott threat for backing hated anti-piracy law

The Alpha Klutz

WRONG SIR, WRONG

YOU PIRATED FIZZY LIFTING DRINKS, YOU BUMPED INTO THE CEILING WHICH NOW HAS TO BE WASHED, AND STERILIZED, SO YOU GET NOTHING. YOU LOSE. GOOD DAY SIR.

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PROVEN: Violent video games mess with your head

The Alpha Klutz
Headmaster

well

how many people do you know that play games 1 week on, 3 weeks off?

People who can go 3 weeks without gaming will generally go months or decades without gaming.

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BUSTED! Secret app on millions of phones logs key taps

The Alpha Klutz

this is why I don't have a smartphone.

Once you know the truth, that smartphones are designed to sap and impurify your precious bodily fluids, you just can't submit to having one. It's the secret policeman in your pocket. It only takes a room temperature IQ to figure out that they're using it to spy on you, I mean, duh. How obvious does it have to get?

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Microsoft staff savage Ballmer at company confab

The Alpha Klutz
Alert

Ballmer's missing a trick

He needs to be selling himself. He needs to say "look at me, I'm the CEO of Microsoft, and my job is so easy, because of all this great enterprise software we have: - don't you wish you could run your company from a chair? I can! Golf Anyone? At Microsoft we are selling a philosophy; How to run a 21st century business. Our software builds the framework, so the more of it you subscribe to, the more tightly integrated your business will be to our successful Microsoft model. You can make your company as scalable as ours. Almost instantly. Roll up and take a chance, once again, my name is Steve Ballmer, and I'm the billionaire CEO on easy street.

Then cut to the wide shot of him serving up BBQ to his dearest.

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The Alpha Klutz
Go

ballmer would be more engaging if you gave him a mr blobby suit

he could jump around and shout blobby blobby blobby and break things. Noel Edmonds would have to turn up unannounced and give him a ticking off. It would be a lot of fun for the staff of Microsoft. Then they can eat cake and icecream and play on the bouncy castle. I think less people would walk out because they would all be waiting for their goody bags. Everyone gets a box of crayons and a drawing of the Windows logo to colour in. They could play the latest S Club 7 songs.

if theyre gunna be stuck in the 90s anyway, they might as well have some fun!

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Facebook's complexity will be its doom

The Alpha Klutz

you'd think it'd be easy to make friends on a site with 800 million users, but its not, its the opposite. Ive made more friends on forums with ~10 users than I have on Facebook.

it's this ridiculous notion that everyone on earth must either be "your friend" or "not your friend". Its inconcievable, according to Zuckerberg, that there could ever be any middle ground! This encourages an extreme binary seperation between your friends and "everyone else". Because those other people, they suck! You don't want to talk to them. Trust Mark, he knows these things.

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LibDems call for gov 'IT skills' office

The Alpha Klutz
Trollface

training in the impact of IT?

Now Jeeves I'm going to hit you over the head with this iPad and I want you to write down your thoughts on the impact, can you do that for me Jeeves?

okay so now we know it hurts more if I hit you with the glass side, that's a very interesting finding, but we need to make sure it's repeatable. Run down to the store and buy another dozen iPads chop chop.

While you're there I'll wheel the racks over to the window for the next round of tests. Which was your car Jeeves?

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Second-hand E-m@iler spews old emails, passwords

The Alpha Klutz

£7?

someone got shafted.

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Facebook: 'We don't track logged-out users'

The Alpha Klutz
Mushroom

get with the times

my dentist uses semtex and c4

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Facebook suggests sharing everything all the time

The Alpha Klutz
Megaphone

you don't get it

Facebook don't want to sell your data anymore, nobody wants your data anyway, except maybe the odd opportunist criminal. No, their plan is now much bigger.

Their plan is actually to control you at the emotional level, to do what Facebook's clients want, for profit.

Let me explain. Human behaviour is a product of human social interactions. Human social interactions are now mediated by Facebook. If they want you to buy more, they turn down the relevance of your non-spendthrift friends. Where relevance is a literal integer, the value of which genuinely and in real life controls how many of your friend's messages get through to you and at what time after they were posted. Turn the relevance down, and the non-relevant person becomes a non-person.

Facebook's algorithms therefore impose on real life a new model of behaviour.

It gets worse.

Now applications (application is code for 'Facebook client company') are given actual permission to fabricate your firends communications with you. Fabricate means make up. Make up to say "I have just spent a lot of money on a product that I think you should buy". This can be done either explicitly or just as effectively using subtle psychological tricks such as picturing your friends next to expensive products (try and stop your brain from assuming they own them, ooops, you can't).

Why do you need user data, when you can cut that part out and just control the users directly? You think it's hard? LOL get 750 million people together in a group and they will do anything. Especially if you tell them their friends are doing it.

But it still gets worse.

Now thanks to Facebook people have a new set of parameters by which to define friendship. An artifical set of paramets invented by marketing companies and Facebook, designed to fit computational models of the economy. Economic models of people, not psychological ones. The upshot is we will all suffer from horrible life changing mental illnesses, but at least Mark is rich.

This social control phenomenon also constitutes a full and complete explanation of the August riots. Anyway don't worry about it, just remember to drink Dr Pepper brand cola. What's the worst that could happen?

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The Alpha Klutz

luckily for me

I've always found it more pleasurable with Zuckerberg watching through a hole in my wardrobe door.

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