* Posts by dorsetknob

97 posts • joined 26 May 2013

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Apple Watch: Exactly how many vids does it take to teach a fanboi to tell the time?

dorsetknob
Megaphone

Re: There are probably loads of good reasons for owning one these.

Hows this for a Reason

I Own a Iwatch i'm a masochist MUG ME HARD

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Fed-up Colorado man takes 9mm PISTOL to vexing Dell PC

dorsetknob
Gimp

Re Replacment

Dear Michael Dell

Here is a Sales lead for your Sales Team

No Commission Required

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Spotty dwarf Ceres BARES ALL in NASA's SHINY CLOSEUPS

dorsetknob
Alien

Re: Flying squid

Ceres Home worldlet of

kudos and kang

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

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Yay, we're all European (Irish) now on Twitter (except Americans)

dorsetknob
Facepalm

Re: You're damned either way

"" News Just in ""

The USA has just declared Disney world a Sovereign State within the USA

For Diplomatic Reasons all Disney worlds World wide are now US Sovereign territory

US LAW now Applies in Disney world

Passports Control and Visa restrictions Apply

Mickey Mouse Green Cards are available for Current Non US Citizens who work there

Disney Dollars are now Legal Tender at 1 to 1 parity

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High on bath salts, alleged Norse god attempts tree love

dorsetknob
Coat

In a thread Littered with Norse mythological references

there is no reference to TROLLS (shit i Mentioned them )

I'll get my coat its at the back of the Cave

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Apple will cut down 36,000 acres of forest in 'conservation scheme'

dorsetknob
FAIL

How Green is my Apple

If cr APPLE was Truly interested in Being Green and a Eco Company then WHY DO THEY NOT 100% recycled packaging MATERIAL.

Could it be that its more Expensive and CUTS INTO THEIR PROFIT MARGIN

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Who runs this world? Sony Pictures CEO jokes about getting UK culture minister fired

dorsetknob
Paris Hilton

Bella (donna) Pollen

"" Brit-born Lynton was sharing breakfast with Bella Pollen""

Now was that Breakfast in Bed ?

Paris because she like's to eat Breakfast in Bed

They do say that to Get on in politics you have to get into bed with politicians ( or their wives )

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Want to go green like Apple, but don't have billions in the bank?

dorsetknob
Black Helicopters

Apple = Green

Green Apples are only going to give you Gut rot

Apple Green Don't TAKE THE PISS

when Apples new Equipment is not made to be repaired and is designed to be very expensive land fill in 5 to 10 years yeh that's Green Eco Policy at work

Fan boys man the black copters Target in sight

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Segway bought by former patent spat adversary Ninebot

dorsetknob
Devil

why invent ?

It's hard to see why people invent this stuff, when more useful devices are already mass-produced in China.

They """ Invent it and patent it in the USA """

So that they can go to East Texas and Sue every one else

Prior Art and patent be Dammmed This is the USA all your Shit belongs to US............A

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Lib Dems wheel out Digital Rights Bill pledge as election sweetener

dorsetknob

Re: Oh look - the Lib Dems are making us a promise just before the election.

It don't matter if they are Labour conservative or lying democrappers

they will ALL PROMISE YOU THE EARTH before an election

AS They Say "" TRUST ME I'M A LYING BULLSHITTING POLITICAN ""

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Rand Paul puts Hillary Clinton's hard drive on sale

dorsetknob
Paris Hilton

dont worry the NSA are Tapeing them DAT is the problem

Paris because she like to tape thing (Maybe Hilly does as well)

Hang on here's a film script idea

Hillery Does Washington Staring Paris

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Microsoft's top legal eagle: US cannot ignore foreign privacy laws

dorsetknob

Re: What an insult

Microsuck is Caught between a Federal Prison warder and Bubba the gay convict

either way they are going to take it up the corporate Ass

If the Feds win they stand to lose all overseas sales and Business ($MONEY$)

No one in the sane rest of the world will want ANY Microsuck product because there will be NO Information security ever again.

That document on your windows pc Created with American Software "Now the precedent has been set " ( is or will be ) Subject to American law and Control After all it was created with American Software

If they "microsuck" win then still the rest of the world will still wonder if they can be trusted (Back Door Deals)

either way Sales of KY Jelly are soaring in Redmond because they know bubba and the feds are Queuing up and at the Back of the queue is the EURO DYKES with their razor studded Dido's

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ISIS: You bomb us, we’ll interrupt your TV transmissions

dorsetknob
Paris Hilton

Not a great loss to the viewing public Its a french TV station

Paris cos i'd Sooner watch her Broadcasts

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Microsoft, Getty settle image snatch 'suit

dorsetknob
Paris Hilton

Golden lensman

Lensman Frankie went to Hollywood and made Golden Lensman of those below him

Paris because she is a fan of ...............

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Astronomers battle plague of BLADE-WIELDING ROBOTS

dorsetknob
Pint

Re: Cable

Good old Petrol mower attached to a chain and staked in the middle of the lawn

It goes Round and round on its own

got to be a V8 engine mower for that tough USA grasswhat with all those hidden illegal Mexican illegals

Beer because ya got time if its mowing by its'self

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Microsoft drops Do Not Track default from Internet Explorer

dorsetknob
Black Helicopters

Re: It's a common misunderstanding...

"" If the customer (since that's what we are nowadays) ""

Let me Correct your error

"" If the Product (since that's what we are nowadays) .

Next thing you know

when you log on your be issued a Parcel force / UPS tracking number

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Dot-com intimidation forces Indiana to undo hated anti-gay law

dorsetknob
Paris Hilton

Worshipers of the sky fairy will tell you Its a Sin to Spill / Waste the SEED of Man

Roll on 2000 yrs and that translates to " No Masturbation"

Paris because she knows what to do with it

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Project Spartan: We get our claws on Microsoft's browser for Windows 10

dorsetknob
Coat

Grace can dance on my table anytime she wants or she can dance on my pole

that's me taking off my coat ready for grace

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dorsetknob
Black Helicopters

Quote

""Third is Cortana integration, sadly absent for UK users. Cortana is Microsoft’s digital assistant, controllable via speech or text input, whose secret sauce is the ability to customise information based on data gathered about your interests.""

Microsoft the Company that likes to spy on you

A fully Featured NSA Browser

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Belgium to the rescue as UK consumers freeze after BST blunder

dorsetknob
Facepalm

Re: Time is an illusion

Quote

"And when Scotland comes independent, we'll have CET, The Euro, border controls and driving on the right. Right ?"

yes and they ( The Spastic Moron Party ) will Ban right hand Drive Cars (they are so English) so your have to scrap your Car (for Sod All) and Buy a Left hand Drive Car ( AS WE ENGLISH SAY A KACK HANDED CAR)

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'Why don't you buy from foreign sites?' asks Commish, snapping on the gloves

dorsetknob
Facepalm

Re: Amazon

I think your find Amazon already charge Vat at the rate in the country of purchase ie 20% in the UK (as Shown on my last invoice) and then pay Vat in sucksomburg at the lower rate of 15% and i bet they pocket the difference

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German court slaps down Uber's ride-sharing app

dorsetknob
Facepalm

Crystal Ball Gazing

Just Wait till that Transatlantic trade treaty is rammed down our gullets

Uber to German government

"" Under the terms of Transatlantic trade treaty legislation Your law stops us from conducting our business in the way we (Americans ) want. so we are going to Sue You for $3 billion as compensation Oh and you got to change your laws to suit us""

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Mattel urged to scrap Wi-Fi mic Barbie after Register investigation

dorsetknob
Trollface

Latest News Update

Mattell just announced in its latest press release that it was withdrawing its Hello Barbie doll, which sends recordings of children's voices across the internet for voice-recognition analysis

It Updated its press release with the following Statement

" In Conjunction with Intel Marketing and Development Department We will be upgrading all Hello Barbie doll's

with their Latest Soc Processor and We will Re-Release this Doll under the New Brand "" Hello Gwendy ""

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Oi. APPLE fanboi! You with the $10k and pocket on fire! Fancy a WATCH?

dorsetknob
Coat

Wristing Wear

Ha I Got and wear a Calvin klein watch

Still waiting for that Super Model to turn up and ask me to (F)wrist her

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NASA prods sleeping New Horizons spacecraft: Wakey, wakey, Pluto's calling

dorsetknob
Alien

My Name is on the Data disk

Back in the day before the probe was finalized and launched Nasa invited people to submit their name and address with the idea of including a list of Earth citizens on a cd rom database (1st 500,000 entrants i believe).

I'm on the list so when our new overlord's come back here so either I'm slated for execution or i get to be a district (quisling ) Governor

Is your Name also on the List ?

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Firefox decade: Microsoft's IE humbled by a dogged upstart. Native next?

dorsetknob
Coat

Firefox Sucksess is due to PORN

Back in the Day when IE was the (only )Browser available and you wanted to browse porn sites there was the problem that you could only have one site/ page open at a time

So that Webcam site with the "interesting live Feeds" caused problems

IE would only run one window/page (no tabbed pages and only one IE program at any one time)

So in order to ""look at more than one page at a time"" you had to install "an Alternate Browser"

In the early days of the Internet there was only one alternate choice of browser and that was

NETSCAPE NAVIGATOR.

Well that ended up with IE on www.webcamporn.*#* hot horny cam 666 and Netscape on www.webcamporn.*#*judyjugs cam

You get the picture (well twice what was available to the desktop before).

Then came Firefox

Thats now 3 browsers on www.webcamporn.*#*

time to buy and run 2 monitors

we are now making progress in the browser world especially as the fox would run many separate copys of itself and later TABBED browser

Ps I'm Now Running 4 monitors and going Blind

Ah well time to go I'll get My Dirty Mac on my way out

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Windows 10's 'built-in keylogger'? Ha ha, says Microsoft – no, it just monitors your typing

dorsetknob

Wun hung lo the Chinese government computer procurer will freek out

"" what is this a NSA key logger built in to this Software

Quick tell the Party leader this and that he is to BAN Windows and Microsuck from the Glorious Middle Kingdom.

No more windows computers no Sexbox and no windows phones

We will Stop the Dirty Yanks spying on us by Banning all their software and hardware""

There goes a 7+ Billion potential market in china followed by 5 Billion in India followed by Russia and then the rest of the unfree world EU to Follow

Time To Sell those Microsuck Shares before their market share price collapse's

THIS IS A COMPANY PREPARING TO SWAN DIVE INTO HELL

SUICIDE BY SOFTWARE

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Brits STUNG for up to £625 when they try to cancel broadband

dorsetknob
Thumb Up

Re: Dodgy ISPs

Started out with BT on Dial up years ago then Broadband (with BT) saw out the inital contract and as soon as soon as local exchange was llu enabled switched to Bulldog on a rolling one month contract.

Still on the rolling one month contract (company was sold/merged and now is)

Home Telecom Ltd

Global House

60B Queen Street

Horsham

West Sussex

RH13 5AD

service is good

Band width is good for the for the Distance i am from the exchange

NO Download Capping or Bandwidth throttling

Line rental is under £10 a month ( not £16.50 + like from other isp's)

Price is on par with what other ISP's charge

at best if i changed ISP i would probably only save pence per month and have to be tied into a 12 to 18 month contract ( I like my rolling monthly contract IT SUITS MY CIRCUMSTANCES don't know if any Other British ISP that would offer a monthly contract).

I Also could upgrade my bandwidth to up to 40Mb keeping the same one month contract ( cannot afford to do so due to CIRCUMSTANCES).

So as far as i am concerned A BIG PAT ON THE BACK FOR MY ISP

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'CAPTAIN CYBORG': The wild-eyed prof behind 'machines have become human' claims

dorsetknob
Facepalm

re I have no idea what a 'reverse ferret' is

Its the action of a Male ferret has when you stuff it down your trousers

However if you use a female Ferret, ...............

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dorsetknob
Joke

My mates dog been chipped does this mean if i expose it to lots of radiation it may mutate into a woof Terminator

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Glacier's hot butt melts ice, boffins say

dorsetknob
Mushroom

Another well funded Research paper that states the ,,,,,,,,,,,,,

And of Course the Green Eco Warriors will seize upon this to say

" Look Irrefutable proof the earth is getting warmer and Antarctica is Melting"

Its been known for years that the Antarctic has ACTIVE Volcano's some under the ice and some poking thru

one Called " Mount Erebus " has been observed to be continuously active since 1972 and its a sulpher dioxide emitter (estimates of Millions of tons of this greenhouse gas are pumped into the atmosphere each year),

It does not take a Apple genius to realize that if ice is heated it melts and if there is enough heat even Antarctic sub zero ice becomes water eventually and uncovers more land

and whats the problem earth is going to need this new real estate to expand into to compensate for the sea level rise to house more population and to grow more food

Icon well a volcano seems right

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Ballmer SLAM-DUNKS $2 BEEELLLION bid for LA Clippers

dorsetknob
Joke

New Team Strip

" As soon as sale goes through there will be a change of team strip"

Out with the current shirts

New shirts are Microsoft Blue with white writing ( error code 0x80070643 )

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For your next privacy panic, look no further than vending machines

dorsetknob
Coat

"Next phase of development will be!"

Wait to they link in a NFC device reader

When sales are down and

you stand near the machine or just wander near and out pops a can of cococrud

Hum free vended cococrud so you pick it up and walk away

3 weeks later you find it charged to your CC

recorded video has you taking your cococrud so you get stuck paying for the can you took thinking it was free

Tough luck consumer

don't forget to wrap your wallet in tinfoil

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dorsetknob
Mushroom

"" a hammer and nail ""

So Luddite

so easily nicked for criminal damage by PC PLOD

Better to use your laser pointer to burn out the ccd in the camera from a distance

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Microsoft frisked blogger's Hotmail inbox, IM chat to hunt Windows 8 leaker, court told

dorsetknob
WTF?

Unreleased versions of Windows Live Messenger ""bring it on""

Quote

"Confidential data allegedly uploaded by Kibkalo to his personal Windows Live SkyDrive account between July and August 2012 included pre-release software updates of Windows 8 RT and ARM devices, Microsoft's Activation Server Software Development Kit (SDK), and unreleased versions of Windows Live Messenger, according to Microsoft's subsequent investigation."

unquote

Perhaps Microsuck might release this unreleased versions of unreleased versions of Windows Live MessengerMessenger to either work in tandem or replace skype

because Skype is total crap

I cannot use skype on my pc as it says my password is incorrect (please reset)

yet same password works fine on android phone.

the messenger software was very good and i used it all the time now its skype only i don't bother to use it anymore

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Candy Crush King plans IPO valuing it at $7.6 BEEELLION

dorsetknob
Joke

Yeh i'll suscribe to this IPO

Henceforth shares in this company will be known as Candycoins

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Voracious alien flatworm hits French in the escargots

dorsetknob
Alien

klingonforming France

Looks like Gagh

Smells like Gagh ( maybe that's just France)

Oh my god the Klingons are Klingonforming France

there goes the neighborhood...............wait it might actuality be an improvement

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Muslim clerics issue fatwa banning the devout from Mars One 'suicide' mission

dorsetknob
Alien

Spirts in the sky nut jobs and such

Depends on whether you consider Scientology a religion

the whole premise of L R Ron's Religion is based on sci fi

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Facebook gobbles WhatsApp for SIXTEEN BILLION DOLLARS

dorsetknob
Paris Hilton

What now for the Spammers ?

for Months i have been getting Spam emails telling me i have a message left for me on Whatsapp

never had an account there and due to the volume of spam messages i get......

I WILL NEVER HAVE AN ACCOUNT THERE

these so called messages are 5 to 8 sec long ( so the email says)

Does this now mean that these spam messages will tell me as well as holding an unsolicited message on a non existing account that i also have messages on my non existing face/fu*kbook account.

I Suspect Whatsapp payed the Spammers to try and drive traffic to their site to boost their value so as to Rodger face/fu*kbook for a higher sale price

Paris for the shafting snigger

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NASA's orbiting space-broadband probe LADEE beams back Moon snaps

dorsetknob
Mushroom

Is There an Elmer Fudd on the NASA Pay roll and when does "wabbit hunting season start"

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'No representation without taxation!' urges venerable tech VC

dorsetknob
Megaphone

238 YEARS OF HISTORY

How does this fit in with the main Argument of the Founding Fathers of the 13 colony's

was not their main reason for Revolt against the "British Crown and empire""

NO TAXATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION

not

NO REPRESENTATION WITHOUT TAXATION

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Treasure hunters dig up LOST RELIC of dead Steve Jobs

dorsetknob
Coat

New Rare Porn museum Exhibit found

Little known fact

This was the mouse that was used by Jobs to Download the first internet porn

The Cupertino King used to call it the Lisa handjober

Ps He did not clean it before he "" Donated it"" so there might still be little jobbys Dna preserved on it

Coat its a "Dirty Mac"

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Friends don't do tech support for friends running Windows XP

dorsetknob
Pint

XP Tech Support for Friends and Family

Yeh for most of us it will continue

XP is a known and well supported OS

Friends and Family tech Support is usually paid for with Beer/free Drugs ( definitely not TAX Reportable)

Now Microsuck want to remove this valuable undeclared perk.

don't they realize that we are still in recession cash is tight we have to pay tax (most of us don't have the offshore double dutch Irish sandwich option for avoiding tax)

There is NO CORPORATE CASH AVAILABLE( with the usual tax write off) FOR upgrading family computers

its all about the beer

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Unmanned, autonomous ROBOT TRUCK CONVOY 'drives though town'

dorsetknob
Pirate

Must be a SLOW NEWS DAY

Lazy columnist

this is just a rehash of an earlier story already done on this site "2 Days ago"

http://forums.theregister.co.uk/forum/1/2014/02/01/us_army_tests_alldrone_supply_train/

so in all fairness here was my post

quote

""

Buy shares in Military Supply companeys

Jihadist / insurgents with RPG + loads of reloads take out the vehicle wheels convoy is stopped until its repaired

others scatter loads of IED devices to hinder the repair/recovery

think the convoy owner ( US military )would abandon the convoy as the cost of recovery in $$$ and lives outweighs the risk.

Jihadist loot convoy end result is US military feed and supply the Jihadist / insurgents

The Future of Your US TAX payer Dollar

icon indicates IED Minefield ahead ""

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Robowagons roll! US Army tests all-drone supply unit

dorsetknob
Pirate

Buy shares in Military Supply companeys

Jihadist / insurgents with RPG + loads of reloads take out the vehicle wheels convoy is stopped until its repaired

others scatter loads of IED devices to hinder the repair/recovery

think the convoy owner ( US military )would abandon the convoy as the cost of recovery in $$$ and lives outweighs the risk.

Jihadist loot convoy end result is US military feed and supply the Jihadist / insurgents

The Future of Your US TAX payer Dollar

icon indicates IED Minefield ahead

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Now we're cookin' on gas: Google crafts sugar-alert contact lens for diabetics

dorsetknob
Big Brother

Rise of the Big Brother machine SKYNET IS ON ITS WAY

Maybe I'm cynical but it wont end here

how long before we are all required to be chipped like our pet dogs / horses ( probably done at birth by the government big Brother).

Insurance company's insisting that in order to get Medical insurance they must have access to this Chip (via wi fi).

Then there is the fear that there would be a secret back door (for NSA / GCHQ ) so big Bro can always spy on you and know where you are. and finally there would be that REMOTE "KILL SWITCH".

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Even 'Your computer has a virus' cold-call gits are migrating off XP

dorsetknob
Coat

Re: Is it wrong to...

"" Emphatic no it is not wrong""

I Usually Play along with this type of scam for as long as possible to waste their time and when the so called support worker /cold calling scammer is female i end up playing the phone pervert

you know

what colour is your bra does your panties match what style are they your turning me on ( Slap your belly with hand with phone held near you know what that sounds like )

are you feeling wet down below You get the idea !!!

I have Even had them pass me to their supervisor reporting me for sexualy harrasing them

the So called supervisor taking over the call and telling me that the call is being recorded and that they are reporting me to the Police for "" Making obscene Phone calls""

""RESULT"" (win for me ).

The so called supervisor ain't happy when i tell them to go ahead and report me to the police for "" Making obscene Phone calls"" as the police would not do anything because i have not made an obscene Phone

when they examine my phone records for evidence they will find that

1. I did not dial the call therefore i did not make an obscene Phone ( its not illegal to answer a call with risque conversation).

2. that they then would be charged with wasting police time.

Usually they then hang up (win no 2 for me ).

Dirty coat ............well it seems appropiate

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Mountain bike mishap man suffers SEVEN WEEK stiffie

dorsetknob
Coat

Missed opportunity

He Should have got a temp job in the Porn Industry

Think of all that HARD cash he could have earned

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Woman whipped gun from vagina in SPACE ALIEN spat, reports Officer Zook

dorsetknob
Trollface

Looking at her mugshot i thought

Pork sword SCABerd would be more appropiate

excuse me while i go and poke out my eyes

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Skype's Twitter account, blog hacked to spread anti-Microsoft messages

dorsetknob

Skype WTF

Skype is Totaly shit

Couple of days ago skype on windows signed me out when i went to sign back in it refused to recognize my ms logon It sugested i reset my password

now i can log on to hotmail useing same password ect but not SKANK/SKYPE

Its Fucking crap Bring BACK MESSENGER

Ps i can use my android phone to log on to skank skype using my hotmail logon and password but windows version refuse's to accept same logon.password

How fucked up is that

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