* Posts by Jedit

1087 posts • joined 3 Jul 2010

Hawking hologram comforts One Direction fans with Zayny parallel universe claim

Jedit
Coat

1D is "One Direction"?

Good grief, I thought it was a self-referential joke and the band was called One Dimension.

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DRM is NOT THE LAW, I AM THE LAW, says JUDGE DREDD

Jedit
Headmaster

Re: "... and the sentence is DEATH".

Dredd has sentenced many people to death. Judge Death's line is specifically "The crime isss life.... the ssssentence isss DEATH!"

tl;dr - grexnix.

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Got a big day planned in 15 BEELLLION years? You need this clock

Jedit
Pint

"OK who's the sad little fucker down voting a harmless Terry Pratchett meme? "

It wasn't me, but it could be a reaction to overuse. In Pratchett fandom there's a long standing tradition at meets of making people kick 20p into the beer fund if they quote Monty Python for just this reason. And it's justified; I remember a long signing queue where of course the rule wasn't applied, and by the time we got to the front there had been an almost complete recitation of Life of Brian.

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Dead Steve Jobs' wage-fixing pact in Silicon Valley was news to us, claim Apple directors

Jedit
Flame

Jobs Vacant

For exactly how long can Apple blame Jobs for every shitty thing they do? Probably forever, I suppose - I'm told he believed in reincarnation. As soon as he popped his clogs Apple execs were likely out there looking for a child born at the same moment, like the Dalai Lama.

Perhaps we should get it all out of the way at once and hold a Cadaver Synod. Dig up Jobs's body, try him for everything all at once, cut off his swiping fingers and throw the rest in the river. Then we can all get on with our lives and actually blame the corporation for the reprehensible things it does.

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It's official: David Brents are the weakest link in phishing attacks

Jedit
Coat

"it's not users or management that is the biggest risk "

But you acknowledge that management aren't users, at least.

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BLAM! Valve slams brakes on Steam flimflam with $5 spam scram plan

Jedit
Boffin

"So without a new valid credit card daily, no go."

Out of curiosity: is there anything preventing spammers linking the same stolen credit card to 100 accounts, triggering them all at once with $500 of purchases across the accounts, then engaging in a blitz?

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Google wants Marvin the Paranoid Android's personality in the cloud

Jedit

"Google's management face the same fate as Sirius Cybernetic Corporation"

Nah, they'll just be first out the door. Hopefully they will enjoy their trip through it.

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Apple swears that NO FANBOI will queue for its new gumble

Jedit
Boffin

"An appointment to buy a watch! What are they like?"

I don't know. I missed my appointment because I didn't have a watch.

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Samsung's bend blame blast: We DEMAND a Galaxy S6 Edge do-over

Jedit
Joke

"Me and my pals Hitler, Stalin"

Stalin would not have been a fan of the iPhone, because it is not a phone for the proletariat. This is why he invaded Finland - to take over Nokia. Torquemada wouldn't have liked it either, as Steve Jobs was openly non-Christian and his devices must therefore be Satan's work..

Hitler would have loved it, though. It has a Blitz socket, the battery will last 1000 minutes (under regular use), and it even has restriction of user freedom and all software for it must be authorised for release by Das Apfelreich. Truly, the master phone for the master race!

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Jedit
Devil

"You mean the watch pocket?"

It hasn't been the watch pocket since the invention of the iPhone meant you didn't want to wear a watch any more - or, if you're not an Apple cultist, since the wristwatch rendered the pocket watch obsolete. So now it's the condom pocket. It's always been the right size to hold something you don't need if you have an iPhone, though.

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Post-pub nosh neckfiller: Deep-fried cheesy Hungarian

Jedit

"bacon is called the "duct tape of food" by many"

If your bacon is light on one side and dark on the other, you're cooking it wrong.

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Microsoft update mayhem delays German basketball game, costs team dear

Jedit
Boffin

"PEBCAK"

A complete aside, but that really is an ugly acronym. I've always preferred PICNIC: "Problem In Chair, Not In [Code/Computer]". Not only does it sound nicer, you can easily slip it into conversation with the end user - usually a management type doing a corporate feasibility study for the Peter Principle - and damn them to their face. "My works laptop broke after I turned off the company firewall so I could visit my porn sites, can you fix it?" "No worries, it'll be a PICNIC".

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Web geeks grant immortality to Sir Terry Pratchett – using smuggled web code

Jedit

"Wasn't the hack implemented by the group calling themselves the Smoking GNU?"

it was, but the GNU code wasn't the hack. The group took its name from the code used to transmit the names of dead operators because they were inspired to form by the clacks company seemingly not caring about the operators any more.

(Thank you to the second person who upvoted my previous post, by the way - that was my 3000th upvote. :D)

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Jedit
Headmaster

"Why include the N?"

Because of context. In the books, the clacks is basically a semaphore-based version of the telegraph network and the cost of sending a message is based on how many towers it has to pass through. The amount of money each regional clacks office needs to earn to be worth running is reckonable by the number of messages that have passed through it. The N code is added to messages that are not to be logged, and hence not included in the financial calculations.

In short: adding the N means you don't care how much the message costs.

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Big Data shocker: Over 6 million Americans have reached the age of 112

Jedit
Joke

"A database full of errors, well I never !"

It is important in data collection to keep everything correctly filed. The US government are merely following proper data management procedures by putting all their mistakes in a single database.

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Timeout, Time Lords: ICANN says there is only one kind of doctor

Jedit
Joke

"You forgot the joke icon Sarah"

I thought she was talking about the supervillains.

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RIP Sir Terry Pratchett: Discworld author finally gets to meet DEATH

Jedit

"I heard rumours that Rhianna was going to take over the reins of Discworld."

They're not rumours. Pterry announced three years ago that he was leaving the reins to her. However, she doesn't feel that she could do his work justice in the form of novels and will be restricting herself to Discworld projects In other media: scripts for the Watch TV series and a Wee Free Men movie are in development.

(Given her background in computer games ... how about a Discworld MMO?)

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Nothing says 'Taliban' quite like net neutrality, eh, EU Digi Commish?

Jedit
Black Helicopters

"Given many of his statements the one thing we can be sure of it isn't Google"

I don't know - Google said "Don't be evil", but they never mentioned anything about "Don't be a fucking idiot".

And if Oettinger has been critical of Google, who's going to listen to him now?

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Chappie: The AI tale that’s about heart, not intelligence

Jedit

"You'll also get reprises of implausible psychopaths with SA accents."

Yep, Ninja was playing himself apparently.

I decided against watching this movie when Die Antwoord were cast. Ninja is a thug and Yolandi has no discernible talent other than flashing her bush on stage. Happily Blomkamp discovered what a twat Ninja is during the filming and wrote him out of the end of the movie. Still, we didn't need a Short Circuit remake.

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Shove off, ugly folk, says site for people who love themselves

Jedit
Joke

"I was going for two possible matches. I'm sure you'll get it eventually."

What's the difference between BeautifulPeople.com and EpilepticPeople.com?

One has members taking fits...

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Boffins find Earth's earliest Homo in Ethiopian hilltop

Jedit

"the dinosaur was holding a placard with “Ban the Bomb” written on it"

That's Terry Pratchett's early sci-fi novel Strata, if anyone's wondering.

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Jedit

"our dating methods are all wrong since nothing is older than 6,000 years."

I wish Young Earth Creationists used dating methods that were all wrong. If we could stop them dating they'd all die out.

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Frontier promises it won't 'dumb down' Elite: Dangerous for Xbox

Jedit

"Why there wasn't a 12 Years A Slave movie tie in for Elite is beyond me"

Probably it was due to the lack of spaceships in the antebellum American South. Which is just as well, really - given one Cobra MkIII the Confederacy might have won the war.

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£280k Kickstarter camera trigger campaign crashes and burns

Jedit

"or in the case of board games, you can end up getting it for down 30% of the price "

Just a note here: it's at least as common for KS board game backers to end up paying close to full price for their pledge, then watch everyone else pick up the game for 30% off RRP when it hits online retailers. That hasn't stopped me pledging for numerous board games, mind you, but let's not misrepresent the situation here.

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Ikea to start making electrified furniture. What could possibly go wrong?

Jedit
Angel

Another disappointing byline

Come on, El Reg - nobody thought of "IKEA to manufacture electric chairs"?

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Phabba-dabba-do: Samsung hypes up Galaxy S6 and S6 Edge

Jedit

"Who removes the phone battery because they are 'that' worried about being spied on?"

In the case of Samsung phones, the person who stole it. Otherwise it can be tracked with Dive.

A fixed battery is only really bad from the point of view of replacing faulty ones. I could live with that. It's the lack of microSD slot that means I, like so many others present, will be moving to a different manufacturer when the time comes to replace my S4.

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Facebook sad-nav: How to put depressed chums on internet suicide watch

Jedit
Joke

"what do I know? I'm just an idiot with a modem"

Dio, I'm looking for the "Report Suicidal Tendencies" button for this post but I can't find it. Does El Reg really care less than Facebook?

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'Utterly unusable' MS Word dumped by SciFi author Charles Stross

Jedit
Black Helicopters

"at least 34 of the uses being novels"

I maintain that Charles Stross is the real author of the BOFH stories. The style is remarkably similar to the Laundry Files, it's known that Bob Howard's middle names are Oliver Francis, and in the short story Pimpf he also has an assistant whose initials are PFY. If Simon Travaglia is not a pen name for Stross - and it means "one who has heard at work", so it surely is a pen name for someone - then Stross is very heavily inspired.

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SCREW YOU, BRITS: We're going through with UK independence ANYWAY – Scotland

Jedit
Headmaster

"From where did this brilliant notion spring?"

The Independence referendum 2014 and the Devo Max referendum of (IIRC) 1979 are no doubt two of the "three failed attempts". For the third, he could be referring to either Scotland's original independent status which they had to give up after the failure of the Darien Project, or the Jacobite War of 1744-45.

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Jedit
Headmaster

"As an American and an objective observer, does he actually believe that"

I don't think much of your observational skills, objective or otherwise, if you think Nicola Sturgeon is a man.

Minor correction to the article: the referendum was September 2014, not November.

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Want to find LOVE online? Make sure your name is high up in the alphabet

Jedit

Re: "Your plastic pal who's fun2bwith"

I wouldn't be surprised if the notional Miss Fun2bwith mentioned in my previous post was already partially comprised of plastic. However, some people don't require surgery to become artificial.

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Jedit

"'Fun2bwith' [...] this type of name is universally attractive"

I must be abnormal, then, because "Fun2bwith" sounds to me like a bubbleheaded slapper with the attention span of a gnat on crack and I wouldn't even bother looking at their profile.

I wonder what handle the author of this paper goes by online? Could it be "Fun2bwith"?

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UN negotiations menaced by THOUSANDS of TOPLESS LADIES with MAYONNAISE

Jedit

"I found the story's accompanying stock photo somewhat disappointing."

Yeah, we came for topless ladies throwing mayonnaise, not topless ladies throwing stock!

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NO BRAIN needed to use Samsung's next flagship mobe

Jedit
Devil

"Today it is your telephone, tommorrow your sperm"

So if I don't pay to retain my sperm, they'll come and take it from me? Better send your nubile Korean ladies, Samsung - you're not getting a penny from me!

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Bitcoin trade biz MyCoin goes dark, investors fear $387 MEEELLION lost

Jedit

"Can anybody enlighten me..."

Greed.

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Boy, 16, cuffed after posting selfie with body of kid he allegedly killed

Jedit

"I imagine the 'hole' is not in their software, but part of the screen-shot ability "

The significant hole was in the kid this psycho shot.

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Swedish National Font marches to the sound of whalesong

Jedit

"Good grief, the kerning between the cap S and the v or w is horrid."

Not as bad as blue text on a yellow field. What's the national motto of Sweden - "Fuck The Colourblind"?

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SWELLING moons of ice dwarf Pluto snapped by NASA spy-probe

Jedit

"Honestly as a Yank I couldn't give a shit about Pluto and Eris either really"

This comes as no surprise - most Yanks couldn't give a shit about 95% of the planet they're standing on, let alone any others.

These celestial designations are silly and discriminatory. On a universal scale, we're all just a bunch of rocks huddling around the same fire.

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Questionable ads

Jedit

You will see Mr Grey now

Bumping rather than start a new thread: I just got attacked by an animated advert for Fifty Shades of Grey on the front page with some bloke taking his shirt off. Noisy adverts are one thing, but this one is straight up NSFW for a lot of people. Please remove it, before someone gets in trouble - I'd hate to not be able to read El Reg on my teabreak.

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China demands real names online, bans parody accounts and news article comments

Jedit

I feel obliged to comment

In the face of banning internet commentary, one has to keep the British end up.

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Google, Amazon 'n' pals fork out for AdBlock Plus 'unblock' – report

Jedit
WTF?

"Content producers need ads to survive."

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought the efficacy and value of internet advertising was based on either page views or clickthroughs. If it's page views, then the content producer is paid based on the level of traffic to their site; it doesn't matter if I see the advert or not so long as I visit. If it's clickthroughs, then it doesn't matter if I see the advert or not if I don't visit the site being advertised - which I never do. Whichever it is, the hosting site does not lose money if I block the adverts.

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Post-pub nosh neckfiller: Sizzling sag aloo

Jedit

"Chinese chefs are famous for making do with whatever ingredients are available "

I remember the Chinese chippy near my gran's house. Special fried rice had the usual diced pork and chicken and the odd prawn, peas, and an omelette on top. Much as I like a proper Chinese with the intended ingredients, I miss that sometimes.

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'Revenge porn' bully told not to post people's nude pics online. That's it. That's his punishment

Jedit

"This isn't revenge porn, surely. It's extortion isn't it?"

I was thinking that myself. Revenge porn is when you post nude pics or sex videos of an ex to get back at them. None of these women were ever involved with Brittain, so what's he taking revenge for?

(That's a rhetorical question, by the way. No doubt Brittain is of the mind that he's taking revenge on all women because none of them have ever been involved with him.)

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Facebook kills pic of Mohammed weeks after Zuck's Je suis Charlie!

Jedit
Flame

"If a country's laws are crap, it is up to that country's citizens to get them changed"

I'm sure the Saudis would love to hear your suggestions on how to change their laws when political parties are outlawed and you can be imprisoned and flogged for criticising the royal family who hold all positions of power.

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ZX81 BEATEN at last as dev claims smallest Chess code crown

Jedit

"remember how you had to get the RAM pack balanced just right?"

Yes, which is why DKTronics RAM packs came with a piece of Velcro to hold them on. They were also designed to run across the back of the ZX81, fitting to its shape. Very swish, much better than the official Sinclair components and (if memory serves) slightly cheaper, too.

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Fanbois to gamebois: Apple paperwork reveals iOS FUNPAD

Jedit

"you replace the screen, which in turn changes the game"

Lawsuit from Vectrex coming soon, then?

Joking aside, the first thing I thought of when I saw this was that iPad Arcade thing - the one where you dock the iPad in a mini arcade cabinet that has joystick and fire buttons for playing the games. It's exactly what this device is, just in a different shape.

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Facebook, Instagram, Tinder TITSUP*: HOW did anyone even find out?

Jedit
WTF?

Why do we care?

El Reg forums were up, weren't they?

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Post-pub nosh neckfiller: Chickpea stew à la Bureau des Projets Spéciaux

Jedit
Joke

What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

El Reg evidently won't pay to have a garbanzo bean in their mouths.

(I'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorry!)

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NINETY new DOOM ASTEROIDS found in 2014

Jedit
Alien

"Rocks like these are where we should be spending billions of "Terror Threat" monies?"

Well, that depends on whether we can characterise the rocks as moons. If they can, and if someone can find an image of one of these moons presenting a left side crescent with a star just above and to the right of it, then I'm sure it will be identified as a terror threat on the spot.

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Tesla S P85+: Smiling all the way to the next charging point

Jedit
Headmaster

"what happens when the isolation breaks down and all that anti-matter goes off at once?"

I guess we'll never know.

No, seriously, we'll never know - we'll have been converted to pure energy and hence will not be cognisant of very much.

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