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* Posts by Jedit

831 posts • joined 3 Jul 2010

'World's worst director' plans Snowden-inspired movie comedy

Jedit
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Headmaster

"The director was subsequently chosen for the LotR trilogy, for some bizarre reason."

Two bizarre reasons, actually: Heavenly Creatures and The Frighteners. The one showed that Jackson could do something other than splatter movies, the other showed that he could handle a real budget.

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Fear the JOBZILLA! 150ft STATUE of Steve planned 'lest fanbois forget'

Jedit
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Devil

" if you want a monument to Steve Jobs, go buy an original mac"

If you want a monument to Steve Jobs, relieve yourself in a Superloo. They look flashy, but aren't really any better than alternatives that are far cheaper and have greater functionality [1]. Plus, you get a free statue of Steve Jobs!

[1] Superloos pre-soap the water in their sinks, so you can't rinse your toothbrush.

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Jedit
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Stop

"Don't put up a penny of your money and stick someone else for the bill"

More like "Don't put up a statue and stick someone else for the bill".

Nobody yet seems to have noticed that this project is Flexible Funding, which means the people behind it will get to keep the money even if the $50k is not raised with no obligation to deliver anything. An outlandish project like this that also uses Flexible Funding is a very strong indicator of a scam.

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Rate-my-boink app scores frisky fanbois, fangurlz' SCREAMS, VIBRATIONS

Jedit
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Devil

"professional ladies introducing a new version"

Seems more likely than an attempt to use credit cards.

"American Express?"

*swipe*

"That'll do nicely, sir."

I'll leave it to your imagination where a naked lady might swipe the card.

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Google's Street View cars venture inside TARDIS

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"Works if using original Google Maps"

Doesn't seem to work in Firefox. I tried last night, no double-arrow anywhere to be found. Works fine today in IE8, though. Did someone mention a time lock?

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Jimbo: Software used for network-level smut-blocking DOESN'T WORK

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"We've fucking time travelled"

Everyone could do themselves some good by searching YouTube for "Malcolm Tucker is Doctor Who" and watching the short video of that name (NSFW, obviously). In the 72 hours following the announcement of Capaldi's casting, his first interview as the 12th Doctor got over 160,000 hits; in the same period, the Tucker Who video received over a million.

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Highway from HELL: Volcano tears through 35km of crust in WEEKS

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Mushroom

"on the upside, as we all roast and choke it would be raining DIAMONDS!"

That's hardly an up side. Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head would become a song about being tortured, and the remake of Singing in the Rain would have to be a snuff movie.

Also most of it wouldn't be gem quality.

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HALF of air passengers leave phones on ... yet STILL no DEATH PLUNGE

Jedit
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Headmaster

"Or put another way stick a cage round it!"

In case you're not joking: the body of an aeroplane *is* a Faraday cage.

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German guardsmen growing mono-boobs from drilling with Nazi-era rifles

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IT Angle

"it has got two of the three "sharks, tits, and Hitler" topics."

So the perfect C5 documentary would be "Hitler: A Tit Who Jumped The Shark"?

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BOFH: Don't be afraid - we won't hurt your delicate, flimsy inkjet printer

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Pirate

"I hestitate to ask how one orks a cow"

You paint it red so it goes faster, obviously. WAAAGGHH!

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Goodbye Blighty: The alternative reality of Quatermass II

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"Later we had Ealing Studios’ Went the Day Well"

I'm not sure what the writer is trying to say here. He seems to be saying that Quatermass II was an infuence on Went The Day Well, but it was released 13 years after that movie.

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Vulcan? Not on our tiny balls. Pluto moons named Kerberos, Styx

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Boffin

"time perception is, of course, governed by the Shatner's Bassoon"

Well, that explains those ... odd ... pauses we alll ... experience ... now and again.

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Jedit
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Thumb Up

Re: "Cerebus"?

Cerebus even went out to Pluto. Damn, we should have voted that as the name (and Jaka for the other one).

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'That time I hired a call girl to do my taxes while I f****d my accountant'

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FAIL

"by the definition above the McAfee install is bloody malware"

Yes, but the definition you gave for malware isn't the real definition. Malware is software intended to harm your machine. McAfee is shovelware, but it's not malware. If it was, you wouldn't have the option to untick that box.

I'm guessing you installed Flash, hammered the Next button as fast as you could, and are now crying because McAfee got installed as well.

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I told you I'd be back: Arnie set for another career revival

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Terminator

"Conan the Barbarian clearly launched his career."

Arnie's movie career was launched by Stay Hungry. His presence and attitude in that movie was what attracted people towards him as a screen actor.

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Author Iain (M) Banks falls to cancer at 59

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IT Angle

"If you haven't already read the Wasp Factory. You wont regret it."

Most people who have read The Wasp Factory advance the opinion that they do regret reading it, for a great many reasons that do not involve the book being crap.

Personally I never saw what the fuss was about with The Wasp Factory and for the most part I can't relate to the Culture books with all their GUAs [1] either. But still, in an ideal world Iain Banks would still be here, writing books I don't want to read. Ave atque vale.

[1] GUA: Generally Unexplained Acronym

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Jack Vance: Science fiction’s master of magic, mischief and sex

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Paris Hilton

Sigh...

You just couldn't resist putting up the cover for Servants of the Wankh, could you?

(Paris, because she probably has servants for that as well.)

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Who should play the next Doctor? Nominations needed!

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Joke

Re: Tulisa :)

"This year, the Doctor is doing Time"

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iPHONES and 'Pads BANNED in US for violating Samsung patent

Jedit
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"Apple's "paid-for property" is in this case the White House itself."

Of course Apple owns the White House. Couldn't you tell by the Oval Office's rounded corners?

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Germans purge selves of indigestible 63-letter word

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Headmaster

"A pathetic 27 letters, but you cannot say it is worthless"

Many of us probably can't say it, period. However, I do know for sure that you can't spell it. It's "floccinaucinihilipilification", and it's 29 letters long - one more than "antidisestablishmentarianism".

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Review: Philips Hue network enabled multicolour lightbulbs

Jedit
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Headmaster

Re: "There's no need to change your light fittings - you can buy screw to bayonet adapters"

No. Glass can withstand a direct push against a light spring, and when you turn it to engage the bayonet it's a loose fit. Screw sockets grip the screw more tightly, and if anything causes the screw to stick you're suddenly twisting thin glass.

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Jedit
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Stop

"There's no need to change your light fittings - you can buy screw to bayonet adapters"

Most people I know who dislike screw bulbs do so because screw bulbs are much easier to break when being fitted or removed, and if this happens it's an absolute bastard to clear the socket for a fresh bulb. Bayonet adapters may make it slightly easier to remove the bulb, but they shift the problem to removing the adapter so you can reuse it. If you can't readily remove the adapter, having a screw socket adds £2 to the price of every lightbulb you buy.

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Ex-Microsoft man plans brand of consumer marijuana 'fine cigars'

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Angel

iPot

Surely it would be iNdica?

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First 'adult' app for Google Glass planned 'within days'

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Joke

"Someone might put some Deep Heat in the tube of moisturising cream..."

That's OK - the cream is for his elbow.

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Tennis pro serves up pic of bad French Open line call

Jedit
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Headmaster

Re: You can not be serious.

You realise that Cyclops and Hawkeye are both developments for which McEnroe pushed very strongly, right? If Hawkeye had existed when he was playing he'd never have been known as the Brat, because he didn't get mad because the calls went against him - he got mad because they were wrong.

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Fairphone goes on sale to all

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Facepalm

"closing-time-at-a-dive-pub type ramblings got on national stages "

Ah yes, a different time when we didn't have Al Murray and Frankie Boyle.

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Prankster 'Superhero' takes on robot traffic warden AND WINS

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Joke

"I've received penalty points for speeding in Watford and Hull within 15 minutes of each other"

Dear God, man, how fast were you going?

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Apple adds Galaxy S 4 to Samsung patent suit

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Headmaster

"How about you spend that fat cash on making a better product "

Because their proprietary closed shop prevents it. As the outsiders with the unique product, their R&D team has to try and beat the combined resources of every other phone manufacturer all by itself. It's not reasonable to expect them to beat everyone, and so now the field has caught up Apple will never be top of the line again. Since the sole justification for their inflated prices is that iProducts are top of the line, if Apple want to keep their position as top dog they have no recourse except to litigate.

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Jedit
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Headmaster

"Captain Ahab Apple still going after Moby Dick Samsung."

Wouldn't Apple be Moby Dick? They want an arm and a leg from Samsung and so far have only got the leg [1], and of course their whales are available in white.

Yeah, yeah, call me iShmael.

[1] Though Samsung do still have a leg to stand on.

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Review: Samsung Galaxy S4

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Coat

"On the downside, being a mini-tablet it was too big for most pockets "

How small are your pockets? My S4 fits comfortably into my shirt pocket with nothing sticking out. I'd have to bend 90 degrees at the waist to risk it tipping.

Also, don't use the Samsung generic keyboard. Gingerbread Keyboard is free, better and comes with the predictive text we all crave - though for some reason its first suggestion for "di" is "dildo". So don't take too many shortcuts when typing "didn't", or your texts could become a whole lot more fun.

Mine is, of course, the one with the Galaxy S4 in the pocket.

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NEW ITV Player app IS HERE ... for Samsung fandroids only. Ha ha

Jedit
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Samsung exclusivity for ITV?

Well, that would be a reason to sign up with Samsung, if I ever watched anything on ITV.

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Retro-tech fan seeks cash for Commodore 64 clones

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Stop

"Something seems amiss."

Yes, something does seem amiss - namely, that it's a flexible funding campaign. That means Biehl will get every dollar pledged even if he doesn't make his target. You should never, ever trust or pledge to a flexible funding campaign; far too many of them are scams.

It would be good if El Reg could put a note on the article warning people about this.

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Ray Harryhausen, king of stop motion, takes final voyage

Jedit
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Stop

Ray Harryhausen is not dead...

... he's just waiting for the next frame.

Some things live forever. Prosit, Ray.

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How did something so small and pink cause so much trouble?

Jedit
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Holmes

"And a colon map as a backup"

The colon map should have been the default plan. They could have tested it by sticking it up their arses.

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Impoverished net user slams 'disgusting' quid-a-day hack

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Angel

"Good effort."

By a bizarre coincidence, that is likely to be our response when your next £1-a-day article describes your latest attempt to use the lavatory.

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Weary quid-a-day nosh hack fears colonal mass ejection

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Joke

Mass Eject 3?

All I can say is I hope they change the ending. Lester's currently got three options but they all end the same way.

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Fanbois vs fandroids: Punters display 'tribal loyalty'

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Stop

"It's unlikely that dumb-phone holdouts are going to go straight to a top-of-the-range smartphone"

Why? That's exactly what I did when I finally got a smartphone two years ago. My logic was simple: I wanted to buy a phone that could handle anything that might come along during the lifetime of the device.

The surveys showing greater brand loyalty among Apple owners are false, though - in my experience, at least. I see people saying "I think this is where I switch from my iPhone to Phone X" all the time, but I haven't once seen someone say "I'm disappointed in my Galaxy SIII, I'm going to buy an iPhone".

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Virgin Media: SO SORRY we fined your dead dad £10 for unpaid bill

Jedit
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Mushroom

"You are aware that these bills are never seen by a human being"

Unlike Atos reports, which have on several occasions now declared that a dead person is fit for work.

Mind you, given Atos' track record for recommending that the benefits of critically disabled or terminally ill people be stopped, I don't think being compiled by a staff member rules out their never having been seen by a human being.

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Crackdown looming on premium-rate phone number internet ads

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This is good news

Now all we need is to institute the death penalty [1] for the scum who cold call from "the technical support service of Windows", and we'll be set.

[1] Some negotiation may be required here.

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Gov.uk named THE BEST THING Britain has made all year

Jedit
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Boffin

"This service doesn’t work with some modern browsers and operating systems"

There was an article on this in the new Private Eye. Apparently the benefits claim form has small print saying you may have problems trying to use the site with the following systems and software:

All Macs

All Linux-based systems

Windows Vista (and therefore presumably Win7)

IE versions above 6

Chrome

Safari

Firefox

In other words, this masterpiece of design is incompatible with literally every computer made in the last six years.

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Cutting CO2 too difficult? Try these 4 simple tricks instead

Jedit
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Paris Hilton

"What a complete non-story, it is not like any of this is "new" information"

This is the internet. Its entire purpose is to distribute pornography, bad opinions and weird tricks discovered by housewives. This article has done the last and several commentards have done the second, so it was worthwhile.

(Paris, because we may as well complete the trifecta.)

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Review: Kobo Arc Android tablet

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Facepalm

"Reading" material, huh?

Next time El Reg gets someone to review a tablet or e-reader, it might be a good idea if they were advised to take their porno off the page before taking the photos or screenshots.

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Australian Feds charge 17-year-old 'Anon' with four crimes

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Headmaster

"He was Anonymous but not anonymous."

Actually he is still anonymous. As a minor his name is protected.

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ANCIENT CURSED RING known to TOLKIEN goes on display

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Trollface

Re: Ancient and cursed ring?

So that was you in the Goatse picture?

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Chinese game addict MURDERS girlfriend after she leaves him

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Stop

"He couldn't have been that distracted if he caught wind"

Unless he "caught wind" when she told him she was leaving him for someone else.

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Furious Stephen Fry blasts 'evil' Reg and 'TW*T' Orlowski

Jedit
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Headmaster

"you can still be a twat !!"

Interestingly, "twat" is Neil Gaiman's past tense for "tweet". Example: "Stephen Fry twat six times today".

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The gaming habits of Reg readers revealed

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Joke

"does my 2 yo really need to see my one shot sniper kill?"

He does if you ever expect him to get good at the game!

Me, I'm sensing a man desperately trying to delay the inevitable day whe he gets pwned by his preschooler...

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Osborne slashes growth forecast by half in bleak economy statement

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Stop

"while even more would argue..."

No, I don't think they would. Cameron and Osborne are still in Downing Street, so the government clearly hasn't gone anywhere near far enough.

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BYOD: Bring Your Own Device - or Bring Your Own Disaster?

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'Wireless charging' in Galaxy S4 will betray Samsung's best pal

Jedit
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Devil

"Give me convenience or give me death!"

Shouldn't that be "give me convenience *and* give me death"?

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