* Posts by Jedit

1089 posts • joined 3 Jul 2010

Software dev 101: 'The best time to understand how your system works is when it is dying'

Jedit
Boffin

"would you have less confidence in someone who thinks that an app dying is brilliant?"

No. I'd have less confidence in someone who thinks their app can't fail.

2
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Mountains of madness found on Pluto's Cthulhu Regio

Jedit

"there are some places that are even too depressing for Him"

If Cthulhu shares his creator's views on black people, depression won't be the reason he doesn't live in Detroit. That is not dead which can eternal lie, but thankfully that doesn't apply to death of the author.

1
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Triple-murderer prisoner keeps mobile phone in his butt for a week

Jedit

"why don't prisons just jam mobile phone signals?"

Because there are more people than prisoners in prisons. They'd also jam the signal for visitors, including lawyers, and more importantly they'd jam it for the guards.

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4
Jedit

Re: He'd have to take care not to butt-dial anyone,

Doubly so while wiping his bottom, lest he swipe to unlock.

And here I was, thinking only the Duracell bunny had a high-capacity battery stuck up its bum.

5
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Eurovision Song Contest uncorks 1975 vote shocker: No 'Nul point'!

Jedit

" only ever worth watching to see how badly the scoring system broke down"

That's not true, there are always the gaffes to look forward to. The year when Slovenia's hosts excitedly awarded their own country 12 points despite not qualifying for the finals was a highlight.

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Sir Clive Sinclair in tech tin-rattle triumph

Jedit
Headmaster

"Barbarian complete with a HiRes poster of norktastic linda lusardi"

It was Maria Whittaker on the Barbarian poster. And the barbarian himself was Wolf from Gladiators.

2
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Indonesian comms ministry orders 'gay emoji' block

Jedit
Boffin

""gay" is, unsurprisingly, *not* a synonym for "stupid""

I've often wondered why people who use "gay" to mean "bad" never logically extend it and use "straight" to mean "good". And do they think bisexuality is mediocre?

1
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Microsoft researchers smash homomorphic encryption speed barrier

Jedit
Mushroom

"I suspect its probably the rather childish association"

To be honest, I first read the headline as "homophobic encryption speed barrier".

I think the downvotes have come because ISIS have not broken the homophobic encryption speed barrier. In fact, their homophobia is not encrypted at all. They're getting plenty of practice taking it to terminal velocity, though.

(Bomb, because we're dropping a lot of them on the gay-bashers of the Caliphate.)

1
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Universal Credit slammed by MPs: Late programme branded 'unacceptable'

Jedit

They complain because it's late?

They should try being on Universal Credit. The IFS just announced that it will make people poorer than they are under the existing system.

(Before anyone goes off on one about encouraging people to find work: many people who will be on UC are already working.)

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The monitor didn't work but the problem was between the user's ears

Jedit

"In 90's, about half of the switches could be moved with a fingernail"

Indeed, thank you Solmyr. This one was a simple slide switch that looked rather like this:

http://binged.it/1SfH5i1

I'm not going to pass comment on how they found it before finding the big rocker switch they should have been using, but it was even worse than just needing a fingernail.

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Jedit

"Do not try this yourself."

Too late. I've been there when someone was instructed to use the power switch on the back of the PC to turn it off and hit the voltage switcher instead. I believe that sound is sometimes referred to as "the Crack of Doom".

7
2

30 years on from Challenger, NASA remembers the fallen

Jedit
Pint

"That's as maybe, but they're not putting people into orbit any more"

So he's right, NASA haven't changed a bit. They weren't putting people into orbit thirty years ago, either.

Beer: to the crew of the Challenger and especially to Christa McAuliffe, the woman who wanted to teach history and instead became it.

3
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Major Hollywood studio eyes Paint Drying sequel

Jedit
Coat

"I do worry that at a mere 23 hours the film will gloss over a lot of the finer detail."

This being Hollywood, they'll just split it into two parts to double the box office.

I'll get my second coat, shall I?

5
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Florida cuffee surprised by pills in vagina

Jedit
Pint

"She took way too many and then couldn't tell the difference"

Muscle relaxant so she could get the bag up, then a painkiller so she wouldn't notice they were there. It's a sound theory that fits the evidence.

(Beer, even though despite being a muscle relaxant and relieving the pain you really will notice if it's inserted into a bodily orifice.)

0
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Spoilsport scientists unstick Spider-Man

Jedit
Gimp

"Doesn't sound very mystical to me."

Listen, bud - he's got MYSTICAL radioactive blood.

0
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Viglen staff mark CEO Tkachuk's passing with a royal tribute

Jedit

"I guess running a company is no longer as rewarding as it used to be."

Are you kidding? The Reg said that toilet was only for executive bots. How rich is that, to have someone to write a computer program that automatically shits for you?

3
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Boffins baffled by record-smashing supernova that shouldn't exist

Jedit

"Did they choose the letters in ASASSN-15lh or was that a happy coincidence?"

I'd wager money it's a backronym.

0
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BBC risks wrath of android rights activists with Robot Wars reboot

Jedit
Trollface

"it isn't really innovative, now is it, recycling an 18 year old TV program format?"

Reminder that this year we're getting a Dad's Army movie.

Re: the sexbots - are El Reg really saying they wouldn't watch Robot Whores?

0
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Pandora pleased with 15% rate hike for streaming music

Jedit

"The artist gets on average about $1.50 or one gold coin bearing Her Majesty's image."

Janis Ian, who was one of the first musicians to notice that making some of her music available online for free increased her record sales, has said that in a 20-year career on major labels she never once saw a royalty statement that didn't say she owed the label money.

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Man faces 37 years for sarcastic post insulting royal dog

Jedit
Joke

"I once had a thi curry from our local takeaway. Fit for our king they said"

Perhaps making bad curries that give people the galloping shits and saying they're fit for Thailand's king is why they're over here running a takeaway. Back home they'd be jailed.

4
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Microsoft steps up Windows 10 nagging

Jedit
Flame

"It's reasonably quick to boot and shut down, light on resources and very stable."

I tried installing Windows 10 and found it definitely used less resources than Win7. That's because it disabled my firewall and internet security software.

Win10 is a virus.

4
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Jedit
Angel

"And my left testicle is a Nigerian Prince!"

After receiving all those scam emails, I've developed an overpowering to kick a Nigerian prince. Invite me round to your place, would you - I can get two for the price of one!

7
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Old jet bits, Vader's motorbike gear, sonic oddness: Hats off to Star Wars' creative heroes

Jedit

"All the chunks with Hayden Christensen, and all of Episode I."

Honestly, Episode I would have been OK if Anakin's story had directly mirrored Luke's by starting him at 18. Drop the midichlorian crap and the "humourous" racial stereotyping as well and it would have been pretty good.

2
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Thai women drugged punters 'with Xanax-spiked nipples' – cops

Jedit
WTF?

"I wonder if it's actually possible to administer an effective dose"

I don't know if it is or not, but I do know that the "Thai hooker/stripper with drugged nipples" story is an urban myth that has been going around since at least the 1980s. I'm not at liberty to check El Reg's source right now, but they may have been tricked into reporting legend as fact.

8
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Science Museum trumpets Da Vinci expo

Jedit
Thumb Down

"Come by National Express (unless you live in the North of Scotland)"

I do live in the North of Scotland.

1
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Apple's Watch charging pad proves Cupertino still screwing buyers

Jedit
Thumb Down

"I'm pretty certain $80 was intended not '£'"

If you live in the UK and talk technology prices, swapping $ for £ without adjusting the numbers is instinctive at this point.

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Jedit
Gimp

"Do you have to pay extra for Apple branded lubricant jelly?"

No, just apple flavoured.

2
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Commentard achieves bronze badge, goes directly to jail

Jedit
Coat

"depriving someone of El Reg must count as cruel and unusual punishment?"

No, that's forcing them to read the comments section.

2
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Sennheiser announces €50,000 headphones (we checked, no typos)

Jedit
Pint

" I know enough City wbankers who would buy this just to show they have money"

Had money, surely?

2
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Spanish town trumpets 'Clitoris Festival' thanks to Google snafu

Jedit

Re: Nid wyf yn y swyddfa ar hyn o bryd

Sorry, guys - I can't tell which of those words is the Welsh for "clitoris".

Though, according to Google Translate the answer is probably "all of them". It's like the end of Being John Malkovich, except with clits.

2
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Post-pub nosh neckfiller special: The WHO bacon sarnie of death

Jedit
Joke

"the BBC decided that was too rude and so they changed it to cupid ..."

As I recall it, Cupid was only ever referred to by a single name in any of the sketches. It wasn't until someone asked what her second name was and Everett replied "Stunt" that the joke became known.

1
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UK.gov plans to legislate on smut filters after EU net neutrality ruling

Jedit
Boffin

"Quick! Download ALL the porn!"

Your attempt to download allthepornontheinternet.zip has failed at 99%. Free up more disk space and retry.

2
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Mostly Harmless: Google Project Zero man's verdict on Windows 10

Jedit
Big Brother

Mr Soft

Microsoft, turn around and force the world to install Windows 10...

Definitely having a Steve Harley moment after that post.

2
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Woman makes app that lets people rate and review you, Yelp-style. Now SHE'S upset people are 'reviewing' her

Jedit
Angel

"Never join such a website. Go live in the real world."

There's a certain irony in an anonymous poster on an internet community forum exhorting his fellows to "go live in the real world" to avoid becoming disconnected, don't you think?

Reality is a wonderful place, but I'm glad I don't have to live there full time.

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19

US military personnel investigated for splashing $96,576 on strippers

Jedit
Big Brother

"The point of this is that they used the government expenses cards/accounts to pay for it it."

No, the real scandal is that $6. Which cheap bastard slipped a $1 bill in among the fives and tens?

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Blighty's Bloodhound 1,000mph rocket car unveiled ahead of record attempt

Jedit
Pint

"(just ask Donald Campbell)"

If we could ask Donald Campbell, it wouldn't be half as challenging as you're making out.

4
0

Total War: Warhammer, Blood Bowl and other Games Workshop table-to-screen delights

Jedit
Alien

"video games are going to be the only practical and affordable way to play the GW games"

Yeah, GW have been getting terrible for years and everyone in the trad gaming hobby knows it. However, for a few years now Fantasy Flight Games have had the license to publish non-miniatures based games in the GW universe and they are not terrible (except in the rulebook department). They've reprinted the classic Chaos Marauders, and they have a range of other releases including variants on Blood Bowl and Space Hulk.

0
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Robber loses heist case after 'evil twin' defence, gets 60 years

Jedit
Flame

"It's why soap on a rope is so popular over here"

Because you have a higher percentage of your population jailed than almost any other country in the world? My goodness. And here I was thinking it was because many Americans are too fat to bend down and pick up the soap if they drop it.

Rape jokes aren't funny. It doesn't matter who is getting raped.

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A krayshee sexy Dutch post-pub nosh neckfiller: Stamppot

Jedit
Headmaster

"thats a recipie for loosing a finger in my house"

And for once, this would be worse than having your I out.

0
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SPOOKY new Pluto snaps will make the HAIR RISE on the back of your neck

Jedit

"it has taken this long for the snaps to be sent and processed."

So, time for another holiday then?

2
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Brown kid with Arab name arrested for bringing home-made clock to school

Jedit

"I wonder if Costa paid for 9/11 training?"

Well, obviously. Everyone knows that things in airport terminals Costa bomb.

17
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Reviewed: Shadowrun: Hong Kong, Until Dawn, Hearthstone expansion and more

Jedit

"The Grand Tourny is actually free, only costs 700 gold to buy each level"

This is completely incorrect. The Grand Tournament is not an adventure like Naxxramas or Blackrock Mountain (which do cost 700G per wing, or you can buy them for real money). It's an expansion that comes in booster packs of 5 cards that cost 100G each or can be bulk bought with real money.

You can play Hearthstone for free, but it's pretty painful unless you're already good at it. The best advice for new players is to save your gold for Arenas (which reward packs and cards and let you learn by experience) and buy Naxx and BRM for money. Basically it's now a $50 game with further optional micro-transactions. It's still good VFM at that level, though.

(Handy tip for people who plan to spend real money: if you have an Android device, install the Amazon app version of the game and make purchases through that using Amazon Coins. The coins are discounted at least 10% when bought in bulk, plus there's often a partial rebate on Coin purchases - IIRC there's a 25% rebate on right now in the US. Also you'll be given a free Classic booster pack the first time you complete a game on each of an Android tablet and phone, an iPad and an iPhone.)

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MYSTERIES of remote ICE WORLD PLUTO: New pics BAMBOOZLE boffins

Jedit
Pint

"Is it just me or is that last close-up actually the Isle of Wight?...."

Can't be - it looks far too interesting.

3
1

Don't want to upgrade to Windows 10? You'll download it WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT

Jedit
Flame

"I've been struggling to articulate just what it is about Windows 10 that bothers me"

I haven't struggled at all. When I installed Windows 10 it disabled my firewall and antivirus without notifying me and left my PC completely unprotected. I uninstalled it immediately, and I will not install it again.

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Reg reader shares AshMad blackmail email about which he gives 'zero f***s'

Jedit

"Please tell me. What am I doing wrong?"

You didn't sign up to AshleyMadison, obviously.

1
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Ex top judge admits he's incapable of reading email, doesn't own a PC

Jedit
Pint

Re: Life imitates NTNOCN

The Deluxe is the one with real hair, isn't it?

2
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Vote now: Who can solve a problem like Ashley Madison?

Jedit
Black Helicopters

I did not vote in this poll

How could I? There was no option to select Ethan Hunt.

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The most tragic thing about the Ashley Madison hack? It was really 1% actual women

Jedit
Holmes

Re: Rule 29

I thought it was "The internet, where men are real men, women are also real men and children are the police"?

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What Ashley Madison did and did NOT delete if you paid $19 – and why it may cost it $5m+

Jedit
Mushroom

"... then complaining when telesales phone them up. Idiots."

If you claim to have deleted my records completely then your sales department phones me up, then either you're lying about deleting records or your company is cold calling. Either way, if you think I'm an idiot for being angry about that you can go fuck yourself.

E: Doctor Syntax - you'd be amazed how many companies give zero shits about the TPS. They get around regulations by claiming it's a market research call so they can claim you consented to receive the sales pitch if you answer any questions, or by saying each time they call that they're very sorry, it was a mistake and they'll take you off the list (which wears thin after the third or 23rd time, but hey - they didn't know, they just have a list). That's assuming they don't simply base their call centres outside the UK, or not give their number and/or company name so you can't even file a TPS complaint.

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Adulterers antsy as 'entire' Ashley Madison databases leak online

Jedit

"Ashley Madison is such an awful name"

They chose it based on commonality of use. I forget if it was just the two most popular girls names that year or the names most commonly used by women being anonymous, but you could probably Google it.

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