* Posts by Jedit

1101 posts • joined 3 Jul 2010

Windows 10 build 14342: No more friendly Wi-Fi sharing

Jedit
Black Helicopters

"how many of the 300m windows 10 users know they were sharing their WiFi keys?"

How many of the 300 million Windows 10 users knew they were using Windows 10?

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Archaeologists find oldest ever ground-edge stone axe

Jedit
Boffin

"It wouldn't take me 'hundreds and hundreds of hours' to perform 800 strokes"

It seems we've also found evidence of the earliest known short term contractor.

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UK's 'superfast' broadband is still complete dog toffee, even in London

Jedit
Paris Hilton

"I'm in Aberdeen and get an average 17mbps on a copper line"

I'm in Aberdeen too, and I get sustained speeds of 70+ mbps on BT Infinity 2.

(Paris, because when it comes to making a fast connection she has no equal.)

1
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Stross' new Laundry list

Jedit

"Bob Howard is named for the BOFH"

And in the short story "Pimpf" Bob acquires an assistant whose initials are PFY, and handles a situation in which a user inadvertently does something horrible involving a computer due to lack of Clue. It's basically a BOFH story set in the Laundry. Which is one or indeed several of the reasons why for years I've been of the belief that Simon Travaglia - which translates as "He has heard torment", BTW - is a pen name of Stross.

1
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If you're appy and you know it, say five Hail Marys – cyber-Pope

Jedit
Pint

"Has there been an edict from FSM on this also?"

No word as yet on smartphones, but he's definitely in favour of the taglia telly.

2
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Flying Spaghetti Monster is not God, rules mortal judge

Jedit
Joke

Denying this man access to his means of worship?

Honestly, it only sounds reasonable under the circumstances. If Cavanaugh had access to sufficient quantities of pasta he might make a noose from the noodles and hang himself.

1
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UK competition watchdog gripes to Brussels about Three-O2 merger

Jedit
Joke

"it is the face of Three's most recent ad campaign"

I wasn't aware that Three were government owned.

0
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Ultra-rare WWII Lorenz cipher machine goes on display at Bletchley Park

Jedit
Joke

"Is it just for things based in Yorkshire"

Exactly. The author just held t'Shift key down too early, it's meant to be t'NMOC.

2
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Congressman called out for $1,300 video game binge

Jedit
Coat

"I bet they are in Crysis talks right now about this."

Deciding whether or not he will run?

4
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Govt: Citizens, we know you want 10Mbps. This is the last broadband scheme for that

Jedit
Megaphone

"It's more like series of tubes..."

What's that? A series of lubes, you say?

1
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How Microsoft copied malware techniques to make Get Windows 10 the world's PC pest

Jedit
Trollface

"ten years ago I got spam from a dating agency that matched up people with herpes"

Ten years? Damn, those spammers were riding the crest of the targeted advertising wave, weren't they?

1
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Michigan shooter says 'mind controlling' Uber app told him to kill

Jedit
Paris Hilton

"Some people theorise that mass killing sprees are sometimes performed by MK subjects"

So that's what the MK in MK-ULTRA stands for - "Mass Killing". The project is a system to track all the lunatic paranoid conspiracy theorists who are apt to go off the rails and shoot a bunch of folks. That certainly makes more sense than the American government being unable to spell "mind control" properly. Thanks!

(Paris, because people are always watching her through night vision goggles.)

1
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Software dev 101: 'The best time to understand how your system works is when it is dying'

Jedit
Boffin

"would you have less confidence in someone who thinks that an app dying is brilliant?"

No. I'd have less confidence in someone who thinks their app can't fail.

2
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Mountains of madness found on Pluto's Cthulhu Regio

Jedit

"there are some places that are even too depressing for Him"

If Cthulhu shares his creator's views on black people, depression won't be the reason he doesn't live in Detroit. That is not dead which can eternal lie, but thankfully that doesn't apply to death of the author.

1
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Triple-murderer prisoner keeps mobile phone in his butt for a week

Jedit

"why don't prisons just jam mobile phone signals?"

Because there are more people than prisoners in prisons. They'd also jam the signal for visitors, including lawyers, and more importantly they'd jam it for the guards.

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Jedit

Re: He'd have to take care not to butt-dial anyone,

Doubly so while wiping his bottom, lest he swipe to unlock.

And here I was, thinking only the Duracell bunny had a high-capacity battery stuck up its bum.

5
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Eurovision Song Contest uncorks 1975 vote shocker: No 'Nul point'!

Jedit

" only ever worth watching to see how badly the scoring system broke down"

That's not true, there are always the gaffes to look forward to. The year when Slovenia's hosts excitedly awarded their own country 12 points despite not qualifying for the finals was a highlight.

3
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Sir Clive Sinclair in tech tin-rattle triumph

Jedit
Headmaster

"Barbarian complete with a HiRes poster of norktastic linda lusardi"

It was Maria Whittaker on the Barbarian poster. And the barbarian himself was Wolf from Gladiators.

2
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Indonesian comms ministry orders 'gay emoji' block

Jedit
Boffin

""gay" is, unsurprisingly, *not* a synonym for "stupid""

I've often wondered why people who use "gay" to mean "bad" never logically extend it and use "straight" to mean "good". And do they think bisexuality is mediocre?

1
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Microsoft researchers smash homomorphic encryption speed barrier

Jedit
Mushroom

"I suspect its probably the rather childish association"

To be honest, I first read the headline as "homophobic encryption speed barrier".

I think the downvotes have come because ISIS have not broken the homophobic encryption speed barrier. In fact, their homophobia is not encrypted at all. They're getting plenty of practice taking it to terminal velocity, though.

(Bomb, because we're dropping a lot of them on the gay-bashers of the Caliphate.)

1
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Universal Credit slammed by MPs: Late programme branded 'unacceptable'

Jedit

They complain because it's late?

They should try being on Universal Credit. The IFS just announced that it will make people poorer than they are under the existing system.

(Before anyone goes off on one about encouraging people to find work: many people who will be on UC are already working.)

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The monitor didn't work but the problem was between the user's ears

Jedit

"In 90's, about half of the switches could be moved with a fingernail"

Indeed, thank you Solmyr. This one was a simple slide switch that looked rather like this:

http://binged.it/1SfH5i1

I'm not going to pass comment on how they found it before finding the big rocker switch they should have been using, but it was even worse than just needing a fingernail.

3
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Jedit

"Do not try this yourself."

Too late. I've been there when someone was instructed to use the power switch on the back of the PC to turn it off and hit the voltage switcher instead. I believe that sound is sometimes referred to as "the Crack of Doom".

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30 years on from Challenger, NASA remembers the fallen

Jedit
Pint

"That's as maybe, but they're not putting people into orbit any more"

So he's right, NASA haven't changed a bit. They weren't putting people into orbit thirty years ago, either.

Beer: to the crew of the Challenger and especially to Christa McAuliffe, the woman who wanted to teach history and instead became it.

3
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Major Hollywood studio eyes Paint Drying sequel

Jedit
Coat

"I do worry that at a mere 23 hours the film will gloss over a lot of the finer detail."

This being Hollywood, they'll just split it into two parts to double the box office.

I'll get my second coat, shall I?

5
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Florida cuffee surprised by pills in vagina

Jedit
Pint

"She took way too many and then couldn't tell the difference"

Muscle relaxant so she could get the bag up, then a painkiller so she wouldn't notice they were there. It's a sound theory that fits the evidence.

(Beer, even though despite being a muscle relaxant and relieving the pain you really will notice if it's inserted into a bodily orifice.)

0
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Spoilsport scientists unstick Spider-Man

Jedit
Gimp

"Doesn't sound very mystical to me."

Listen, bud - he's got MYSTICAL radioactive blood.

0
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Viglen staff mark CEO Tkachuk's passing with a royal tribute

Jedit

"I guess running a company is no longer as rewarding as it used to be."

Are you kidding? The Reg said that toilet was only for executive bots. How rich is that, to have someone to write a computer program that automatically shits for you?

3
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Boffins baffled by record-smashing supernova that shouldn't exist

Jedit

"Did they choose the letters in ASASSN-15lh or was that a happy coincidence?"

I'd wager money it's a backronym.

0
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BBC risks wrath of android rights activists with Robot Wars reboot

Jedit
Trollface

"it isn't really innovative, now is it, recycling an 18 year old TV program format?"

Reminder that this year we're getting a Dad's Army movie.

Re: the sexbots - are El Reg really saying they wouldn't watch Robot Whores?

0
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Pandora pleased with 15% rate hike for streaming music

Jedit

"The artist gets on average about $1.50 or one gold coin bearing Her Majesty's image."

Janis Ian, who was one of the first musicians to notice that making some of her music available online for free increased her record sales, has said that in a 20-year career on major labels she never once saw a royalty statement that didn't say she owed the label money.

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Man faces 37 years for sarcastic post insulting royal dog

Jedit
Joke

"I once had a thi curry from our local takeaway. Fit for our king they said"

Perhaps making bad curries that give people the galloping shits and saying they're fit for Thailand's king is why they're over here running a takeaway. Back home they'd be jailed.

4
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Microsoft steps up Windows 10 nagging

Jedit
Flame

"It's reasonably quick to boot and shut down, light on resources and very stable."

I tried installing Windows 10 and found it definitely used less resources than Win7. That's because it disabled my firewall and internet security software.

Win10 is a virus.

4
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Jedit
Angel

"And my left testicle is a Nigerian Prince!"

After receiving all those scam emails, I've developed an overpowering to kick a Nigerian prince. Invite me round to your place, would you - I can get two for the price of one!

7
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Old jet bits, Vader's motorbike gear, sonic oddness: Hats off to Star Wars' creative heroes

Jedit

"All the chunks with Hayden Christensen, and all of Episode I."

Honestly, Episode I would have been OK if Anakin's story had directly mirrored Luke's by starting him at 18. Drop the midichlorian crap and the "humourous" racial stereotyping as well and it would have been pretty good.

2
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Thai women drugged punters 'with Xanax-spiked nipples' – cops

Jedit
WTF?

"I wonder if it's actually possible to administer an effective dose"

I don't know if it is or not, but I do know that the "Thai hooker/stripper with drugged nipples" story is an urban myth that has been going around since at least the 1980s. I'm not at liberty to check El Reg's source right now, but they may have been tricked into reporting legend as fact.

8
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Science Museum trumpets Da Vinci expo

Jedit
Thumb Down

"Come by National Express (unless you live in the North of Scotland)"

I do live in the North of Scotland.

1
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Apple's Watch charging pad proves Cupertino still screwing buyers

Jedit
Thumb Down

"I'm pretty certain $80 was intended not '£'"

If you live in the UK and talk technology prices, swapping $ for £ without adjusting the numbers is instinctive at this point.

13
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Jedit
Gimp

"Do you have to pay extra for Apple branded lubricant jelly?"

No, just apple flavoured.

2
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Commentard achieves bronze badge, goes directly to jail

Jedit
Coat

"depriving someone of El Reg must count as cruel and unusual punishment?"

No, that's forcing them to read the comments section.

2
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Sennheiser announces €50,000 headphones (we checked, no typos)

Jedit
Pint

" I know enough City wbankers who would buy this just to show they have money"

Had money, surely?

2
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Spanish town trumpets 'Clitoris Festival' thanks to Google snafu

Jedit

Re: Nid wyf yn y swyddfa ar hyn o bryd

Sorry, guys - I can't tell which of those words is the Welsh for "clitoris".

Though, according to Google Translate the answer is probably "all of them". It's like the end of Being John Malkovich, except with clits.

2
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Post-pub nosh neckfiller special: The WHO bacon sarnie of death

Jedit
Joke

"the BBC decided that was too rude and so they changed it to cupid ..."

As I recall it, Cupid was only ever referred to by a single name in any of the sketches. It wasn't until someone asked what her second name was and Everett replied "Stunt" that the joke became known.

1
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UK.gov plans to legislate on smut filters after EU net neutrality ruling

Jedit
Boffin

"Quick! Download ALL the porn!"

Your attempt to download allthepornontheinternet.zip has failed at 99%. Free up more disk space and retry.

2
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Mostly Harmless: Google Project Zero man's verdict on Windows 10

Jedit
Big Brother

Mr Soft

Microsoft, turn around and force the world to install Windows 10...

Definitely having a Steve Harley moment after that post.

2
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Woman makes app that lets people rate and review you, Yelp-style. Now SHE'S upset people are 'reviewing' her

Jedit
Angel

"Never join such a website. Go live in the real world."

There's a certain irony in an anonymous poster on an internet community forum exhorting his fellows to "go live in the real world" to avoid becoming disconnected, don't you think?

Reality is a wonderful place, but I'm glad I don't have to live there full time.

7
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US military personnel investigated for splashing $96,576 on strippers

Jedit
Big Brother

"The point of this is that they used the government expenses cards/accounts to pay for it it."

No, the real scandal is that $6. Which cheap bastard slipped a $1 bill in among the fives and tens?

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Blighty's Bloodhound 1,000mph rocket car unveiled ahead of record attempt

Jedit
Pint

"(just ask Donald Campbell)"

If we could ask Donald Campbell, it wouldn't be half as challenging as you're making out.

4
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Total War: Warhammer, Blood Bowl and other Games Workshop table-to-screen delights

Jedit
Alien

"video games are going to be the only practical and affordable way to play the GW games"

Yeah, GW have been getting terrible for years and everyone in the trad gaming hobby knows it. However, for a few years now Fantasy Flight Games have had the license to publish non-miniatures based games in the GW universe and they are not terrible (except in the rulebook department). They've reprinted the classic Chaos Marauders, and they have a range of other releases including variants on Blood Bowl and Space Hulk.

0
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Robber loses heist case after 'evil twin' defence, gets 60 years

Jedit
Flame

"It's why soap on a rope is so popular over here"

Because you have a higher percentage of your population jailed than almost any other country in the world? My goodness. And here I was thinking it was because many Americans are too fat to bend down and pick up the soap if they drop it.

Rape jokes aren't funny. It doesn't matter who is getting raped.

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